Doulos Enterprises
The TV showes many flickering images of cute kids, some smiling with their first teeth missing, others lovingly hugging their parents or siblings.
-but let's be honest, kids are not like that. In truth, they're much more like this. When they're young they wake you up in the middle of the night, crying, demanding your attention whenever they see fit. They care not that it is the third time this night, and the fifth consecutive night of interupted sleep: they get to catch up on their sleep during naptime anyway. Naptime, time that you get to clean up the mess they've just made.
The imagery switches to pictures of the description, each photo and video showing the lesser moments of parenting
It's amazing how many decibels such a small little thing can produce. But it's not the volume of their crying that gets you. No, their cries and shrieks are finely tuned to hit just that pitch that penetrates your skull and stings your brain. Like sirens, there's no ignoring them, no pretending that you can't hear, evolution made sure of that!
But it's not the crying that's the worst part. Kids are the most unhygienic creatures in the world. You go through great lengts to get them to eat, but whatever food that does end up in their mouth with great effor.... is poo'ed into stinky diapers, peed onto you while changing them or is occasionally vomited back into the world in the most unfortunate of places. And let's not forget their last bodily orafice: the nose. With every passing flu and piece of dust, kids happily expel their nasal goo onto your face, if it wasn't plucked from their noses and put somewhere else...
And this is when kids are at their sweetest. After a few years of physical torture, kids will begin to understand the rules... and how to break them. Fast forward to puberty: things get much worse. But I don't need to explain that, just skip through a few channels on TV and you'll get the picture. If you've survived it this far, you're lucky, but there's just one more thing they'll take from you before you're free. Every single cent in your bank account that you have worked for so hard to save, will be plundered when they go to college.
No, there's nothing great about having kids, that's just something that parents keep telling themselves, hoping that if they say it often enough it might become true. But you are in luck, because there are other ways for having a happy family. I'm talking, of course, about owning a wolf.
Suddenly the commercial is showing documentary-style video's of wild wolves in various landscapes and settings.
Though lupines resemble us civilised species in many ways, these creatures have never evolved to be quite as sophisticated as us. Wolves are much shorter in stature, and despite walking mostly upright, they can still move about on all fours fairly well. In nature, wolves have retained their clawes to hunt, and have historically shown only rudimentary tool use. Unlike us, they have never developed any real language, and though even in captivity they can taught very little in terms of speech, wolf brains are uniquely capable of learning to understand our langauge. But there's one lupine feature that makes them especially interesting, and that is their strict social hierarchy. Wolves live in packs, with dominants and submissives. A wild dominant wolf can never be properly tamed, but a submissive wolf could make an excellent member of your family.
A tigress in labcoat walks into view, entering cozy home while she starts explaining.
Some consider it their slave, others think of them as pets and to some it is like a surrogate child. But regardless of what you call them, wolves are loving and dependant creatures. Owning a wolf will satisfy all of your loving and caring needs without sacrificing twenty-five years of you life. Our wolves are all bred to be claw- and fangless, and are garantueed to be fully submissive. You can teach them to do many simple and more complex tasks, and are easily housebroken and kept clean. They will never outgrow you, and their big ears and fluffy tail will remain cuddly their whole lifes. They love to play, but do not need to be looked after every waking minute.
Now camera walks into a building with the company's logo on it, making its way to the tigress' desk.
Our company alone knows how to breed these wonderful creatures, and after many years of careful trials, our wolves are now sold legally and without harming the natural population. We provide lifetime support and vaccinations with every purchase, and we sell all other relevant equiptment. All owned wolves are required by law to be registered and wear a collar at all times. Leash laws and other laws apply to owned wolves as well, though many establishments now have special lupine house rules. For healthcare, your pet wolf can be taken to regular veterinarions for your convenience. So wait no longer and complete your home now by owning a wolf! For more information, visit our website or call our customer service.
The logo and contact details flash onto the screen again while the company tune fades out.