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Archie & Lu - 2009-0808.2309

I know what you're thinking. What's a guy doing breaking into a rich fur's guest cottage, wiggling the window screen to get in? Tell you the truth, it's because I just got here a week ago, I'm still new at this, and I'm a bit rattled.

OK, I left the keys on the dresser when I went for a swim. But it's a private beach, I'm not used to the fur, and I, uh, forgot a swimsuit, so I don't have pockets.

I'm also a bit vain, looking at that sexy fox snout in the mirror, the reddish-brown fur all over. And that big bushy tail! I had a bit of a tail fetish back when I was human. Tail is that extension of the spine, that waves around and smacks people who get too close.

I grew up human, never very good at sports, and I withdrew from society. In school I was good in math and science, poor in history and literature. I mean, nobody CARES what the white whale symbolizes, just tell me straight out, and get the frak ON with it!

I got smacked on the head real hard, and when I woke up, there was Lu. Oops, sorry, I mean Lord Lu. He's my master now. I'm dead, you see.

*

I know what you're thinking. What's this got to do with rich furs and B&E? Hang on, I'll get there. I'm a fox, we talk your ears off; but this IS the Reader's Digest version. It actually took decades.

OK, hospital, Lord Lu. I didn't know it then, but this was just a preview. A job interview, if you will. Lord Lu's got patience up the wazoo.Lu

Sure. I'll help you. But what can I do? I'm just a dumb shy guy. Doesn't matter, Lu can work with it. Poof! Woke up for real. I got discharged in a few days. Then I started shaking, just a twitch once in awhile, but it got worse. Head shakes, walk into walls, get dizzy when I exercise.

Life went downhill fast. Sure there were high points, like computers. They didn't tease me, didn't yell at me to keep up. College. This was back in the late 1970's, early 80's.

Back then computers cost millions of dollars, took up entire rooms. Owned by colleges for research or big companies, only ones who could afford 'em.

Just the brain, the CPU and memory, was a big cabinet. Three feet by six feet by five feet high. Then there's the permanent storage, big magnetic tape reels ten inches in diameter. Tape drives over twice as wide, also a tall cabinet.

Now we got tape cartridges, a bit bigger than audio cassettes. Oops, don't remember them either? CD's hadn't even been dreamed of yet. Computer disk storage was fourteen inch diameter platters, in sets eight inches high, called 'disk packs'. OK, low cabinets, but still frakkin big.

Yeah, IBM made eight inch plastic diskettes, then five inch, then three-and-a-half. I helped people with computer programs, tedious even in stilted English, list of instructions to do math for payroll.

Computers have no intelligence, they're just fast. Add up payroll, they don't know to start at zero, you have to tell 'em! Some people forgot, and got wrong answers. But it's been through an expen- sive machine, gotta be right!

Sure, sure. And pigs have wings.

*

I got jobs using computers, liked 'em better than people, who are too vague. I was so good with machines I helped people in other departments and leveraged my knowledge to keep communications running.

Lord Lu's really gotten shafted with monotheistic religions. See, this part of the Universe is like a split-level home with an Attic and Basement. The Architect of it all, name's Archie; Lu's the builder.

They got into a big fight awhile back, Lu just wanted some credit; Archie refused and shoved Lu and his Dark boys into the Base- ment. I said 'boys', but the Lights and Darks aren't limited to human ideas of 'boys' and 'girls'.

Humans live on the Ground Floor; when they die, they go Up a few steps and mill around a while. Then they go Upstairs to the Attic or Downstairs to the Basement.

No, Christians, it's not Heaven and Hell. Nothing so melo- dramatic as Ultimate Good versus Ultimate Evil. Archie and Lu still talk to each other, debate human nature. Archie says his lofty plans got sidetracked when Lu and his Darks made humans outta dirt.

*

I know you're wondering what the heck this has to do with me and B&E. I was walking around the city when a delivery van screamed around a corner and bam! I was looking up at Lord Lu, he was grinning like a maniac.

Archie and Lu talk to humans in their dreams, stick stuff in their minds. Some of it 'leaks' through to awareness, that's where Ancient Egyptians got the idea of gods, plural, with animal heads and human bodies. Lights and Darks don't really have bodies as humans understand it.

Then Lord Lu came to collect, and Raised me. I'd died from the van, been looked at, got buried. He asked me about my self-image, and I said I was shy with people but sure of myself with computers.

Some self-confidence, not so good with people. OK new body; Carnivore, Fox not Wolf. I guess you've twigged by now the rich fur is one of Lu's higher Darks, a yummy Wolf woman. I get to help keep her home compound clean.

I still gotta get used to the fur, I'm not a limited human. See, I'm still thinking I gotta unlock the door to go in my room, hence the B&E. But I don't need clothing, don't need pockets anymore. Lights and Darks just put whatever they want to use Aside.

I coulda just walked up to the door and Reached for the keys. Poof, they'd've moved to my paws. When I get better at this, I'd just paw the door, and Reach for it to unlock and open. Then just Reach it open, no paws. Look Ma!

Mabel the Wolf does it that way. Knock, knock, the door opens, she comes in to play with me. Wolves are bigger than Foxes, and I like her roughness with me.

*

I know what you're thinking. Dark Fox, Lord Lu. You think he's the Devil, I'm a demon now. Christians, you're wrong about Lu; Muslims too. Jews at least have the name right; Lu and Archie argue, so they're opponents. Lu's the Adversary. Shaytan.

Word got mispronounced Satan. Somewhere, people got the twisted idea this is between Good and Evil, so Lu's Evil, capital E. We're not, it's just the two sides of life, lofty ideals and base desires. You don't really think George Lucas just made up Light and Dark Side of the Force, do you?

He just overdramatised it. As I said, we're not trying to take over the Galaxy and kill the good. Hey humans, here's the secret: we Darks already have control.

It was Archie wanted men and women separate, wanting each other but pulled apart by petty bickering. Remember I said he was ticked at Lu and the Darks, he takes it out on you humans. It's Lu who brings you together, gets you to want that special act. At the moment of ecstasy, both parts join like they were meant to. Two become One, join the Universe, become Knowing.

And Archie and his Lights are just jealous.

*

OK, furries, read on. Lights and Darks combine Intellect and Animality. They're Furries, capital F. I'm a Fox, Mabel's a Wolf. And Fred, he's a Tiger. Betcha thought I was gonna say Dog or something.

Fred's in charge of Security at Mabel's compound. He acts real tough, but he's actually a pussycat. Get him talking about the Old Days in battle, he'll talk a lot. Even more than me, and I'm a Fox!

Ol' Fred was right up there on the front lines with Lord Lu. Man, wish I coulda seen that, Lights and Darks duking it out, fur and feathers flying all over the place. Reaching for stuff, zaprods and bangers, what you humans call lightning and thunder when you get on a planet.

Betcha didn't know our Solar System's asteroid belt useta be a planet. Nice one too, Fred says. Blew the frakkin thing up, swept the debris in a circle, don't break the others.

Made a big planet outta gas, almost its own star. Stuck rings around it, actually just debris, but it sure looks pretty. Dozen moons, I think; lotsa different sizes.

And some as big as the blue-green third planet. Lu and Fred wanted to retire there, take a break. But Archie's Lights went Aside and busted up the place. And THEY're the Good Guys?

No rest for the weary. So now we're furrin' around on Earth, takin' it easy. Lu's looking for support furs, just home stuff, keep the seats warm.

So Mabel supervises the housework. Fred makes Security sensors, Mabel plans how to hide 'em. Me and Jenny, she's a yummy cougar, we make it work. Didja notice I think the women are yummy?

*

I know what you're thinking. Lu's guilty, he's making us think about each other instead of the Glorious Plans of the Architect. Bull, Archie's just insecure, wants everyone to like him. Sing his praises.

Lu's more down-to-earth. Don't like the Fur, that's OK. But just take the time to think about it. Everything humans have, it's just handed to you. Archie's plan, Lu's the Fur has to carry it out.

And we Darks have to hand it to you. We make the stuff, then just give it away. Planet. Resources. Blue sky, sunshine. Plants, trees, breeze. Rain to keep 'em healthy. Fruit, vegs, all you want.

All Lu did was say, there's more to life than a garden. You humans were the ones screwed it up, couldn't keep your greedy ape hands off the goodies. Could you? Nope, too simple, too easy.

Yes, I confess, I was one of the greedy apes. Now I'm paying. Young in the fur, just a week. I got the quick Cliffs Notes History. And my mind's still shaking from the impact. That's why I'm rattled.

I'll hafta start pulling my own weight, real soon. 'Course, as a Fox there's less weight to pull; we're kinda small and skinny. Comes from eatin' berries and pouncing on little snakes, lizards, mice and birds. Kinda an acquired taste, fur and feathers.

I know what you're thinking. Oh boo-hoo, Foxy. Get a real job.

*

OK, Archie's the planner, Up there in the Attic with his Lights. Lu's the builder, Down in the Basement with us Darks. I know what you're thinking -- what the HECK does this have to do with humans on the Ground Floor, especially you that are interested in anthropo- morphic animals?

Well, remember you got the truth all distorted. Lights and Darks are grouped as Furs, Featheries, and Scalies. Dunno what part of the Twenty-Three Dimensions they come from, don't care.

Archie and Lu each have their teams, each team has all kinds of Anthros, that's what they call themselves. Guys and gals, all species. See, the animals you humans know are just meat puppets, made by us Furs, so they look like us. We're not imaginative with shapes.

I've been Upstairs a few times, seen their parties. Buncha stuck-up wusses, clinkin' wineglasses an' talkin' all fancy-like. Bor-ing, capital B.

Lu's got his party on, never lost his groove. Beer's cold, plenty of it, bottle's good enough. C'mon over sometime, you know you wanna.

Like I said, you humans messed up the planet. Archie's pissed, says Lu got the plans wrong. Lu doesn't mind, real laid-back, but it's his backyard you're foulin' up.

Here's where Mabel, Fred, Jenny and me come in. You're think- ing, FINALLY! We keep out of it mosly, it's your planet, do what you want. But we pop into the meat puppets from time to time.

Just to stir things up a bit. Just when you think you've killed off a whole species, and Archie's got you all depressed, we go and make another, bake it a while, stick it in the ground.

You guys get all elated, diggin' in the dirt. You found a fossil, big whoop. Trilobite, coelacanth, quagga, odd tiger. Thyla- cine, nice marsupial pouch. Ed Dragon got bored a little back, made some ... dinosaurs, I think he calls 'em. Who makes up these names?

I'm a new Fox, gotta learn the ropes, so I get to follow around while Mabel stirs you up. See, there's a group of us Darks, nothin' exciting to do but talk to ya', tell the Croats that the Serbs are picking on them, watch the fireworks.

Mabel works in Afghanistan. Nice mountains, lovely poppies. Stirred up some religous kooks, told 'em they've got a lock on morality. Hoo-boy, that's a real knee-slapper!

People, humans, furries. The cosmic joke's on you!

*

So now Ol' Foxy has his cabin on Mabel's land. Keep the grounds clean while she's stirring up the Middle East. Not the only Fox on the team, there's this lovely vixen a few doors down. Gonna work on her too.

See, Jenny the yummy cougar's the one put Lu onto me. She saw how shy I was, wanted a little kitty action, talked to Fred. He's big, and she was a bit intimidated. Personal friend of Lu and all.

But they got the kitty fur flyin', so to speak, and Jenny said she wanted some help in the IT Department. I know you got bored with all that computer stuff earlier.

I know some obscure 1970's and 80's programming languages. Ever hear of RPG II? Nope, not Role Playing Game, it's Report Program Generator. How 'bout BASIC, FORTRAN, COBOL, Pascal? Used in science and business, before Bill Gates made Microsoft, before Linus Torvalds made Linux.

Lu's Darks use the old stuff sometimes. You had to really know what you were doing, tell a computer all the dinky details. Now you just use Object Methods. But y'know what? The new stuff gets errors in even when you think it's working, just from using it a while.

Takes up more room in the CPU, sloppy way to do things. Don't care? OK, long as the app seems to work, get to the Internet and zap photos to your friends. And your Friends.

But business can't stand sloppy, can't run lean that way. Sure they stumble on for decades, just on momentum. But y'know what? Tell that to Enron, Worldcom, those finance boys.

I know what you're thinking. All that economy stuff's the fault of greedhead CEO's wanted the company to pay for their mansion renovations.

Heh, heh. Guess who gave 'em the ideas?