FSE

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The kobolds scurried along the passageways, climbing and squeezing their way through twists and turns that would have been unnavigable even to dwarves. There were seven of the small reptilian folk in all, minimally armed; for the most part, they were equipped with bags, sacks and satchels.

They were jovial and frisky for much of the first half of the trip, but as they sensed they were getting lower and closer to the dragon's cave, one by one they became silent. It started at the head of the line, led by the vicious and ambitious Ithir; he was followed by Sami and Sama, the doublet who spoke and acted as one; Thant, the fat one; Orgo, the herbalist and healer; Vice, the female who fought like ten males; and Blug, the violent bully and fool who was mighty of arm but puny of intellect.

Blug became the only one to speak during their progress. "A raid against our puny dragon, our foolish dragon," he kept saying with peals of laughter. "The pervert Dragon Zenoptrexes!" The cowardly simpleton would have never ventured this deep alone, but being here with six others, some of them with nefarious reputations, made him drunk with courage. Instead of his gorge, bold talk welled up continuously. "We should have cleaned him out years ago. Years! Say Vice, your tail could be curled up a bit more so I could get a good view of yoAAAAAAARRRGH!"

Vice had paused as she climbed up and over the lip of a sharp upward tunnel so she could kick Blug in the mouth; she missed, hitting his shoulder. "I will emasculate you," she hissed. "You'll be not only stupid, but impotent to match!"

"Be quiet, you idiots!" Ithir's voice carried in the dark tunnel, despite being a whisper. It carried terrific malice and anger, which was understood more effectively than the literal meaning of his words. "This dragon will be an easy mark because he makes himself vulnerable-but if he's not chosen to open himself up to us, he'll have already realized we're here and certain death awaits us!" He chose not to add that terribly likely death awaited some of them regardless of how the job went: dividing the loot fewer ways meant bigger shares for the survivors. "If he's not engaged in his-in his customary pastime, we'll need stealth and sleeping herbs to escape with anything but a tale."

"Sleeping herbs? That's why I'm here? You could have told me." The healer Orgo's voice was muffled and garbled; he was holding something in his mouth. "I don't normally carry that much of it. Definitely I don't have enough left to knock out a dragon, even a little ice dragon. But don't worry...it'll be all right. It'll be fine." He had a coughing fit, and after reaching into his bag, conspicuous slurping and sucking sounds ensued. "Ib wibb be bine."

"He's high," said Sami and Sama together.

"Not that high yet, but I'm getting there!" Orgo giggled.

"Save some of that for me!" Blug called from behind Vice, who kicked him again. "OWWW!"

Ithir rested a hand across his snout and held his little reptilian jaws closed for a few seconds to prevent more invectives from escaping. He finally whispered "Vice, if that fool speaks again, kick off his jaw." He then continued leading the party down to a chamber he had found on his own wanderings earlier in the year.

The threat of violence lasted for as long as required; the chatter ceased until the kobolds reached their goal. And of course, there was another ominous threat: being so close to the ice dragon's den, the temperature was dropping noticeably. At last their travels in darkness were at an end: though they could see relatively well by sensing heat and differences of temperature around them even in what most other beings would consider absolute darkness, even those without infrared vision would be able to see in this room due to a hole which led down into a vast cavern: the lair of Dragon Zenoptrexes.

"If we're lucky and he's playing his usual game," Ithir said, "we will need no psychedelic herbs or other concoctions." He peered over the edge, and the other six did as well, one after another (though Sami and Sama both peeked over at the same time). Their faces were briefly illuminated by light reflected off of countless treasures scattered with what seemed to be no care.

There were strange sounds coming from the lair of the dragon; mutters, murmurs and low grunts. "Is he performing magic? Chanting some spell? He sounds...pained." Thant hissed softly and leaned further out and down, peering around. "He's there, squatting down, and ...oh!"

He pulled himself back up quickly and the others looked to him. His cheeks and chin, warming up in a blush, were clearly detected by the rest. "What did you see," Vice asked.

Thant leaned over to Ithir. "Are you sure this dragon is male? I could have sworn he..she..was just..."

The dragon's booming voice overwhelmed their conversation. "Take me, take me now! NOW!" There was a low rumbling, followed by a growl and a hiss.

"Are they mating down there?" Vice's voice showed a hint of interest, but also a great deal of squeamishness.

"No, he's..she? He? He's alone," Thant stammered. "He's backing up and sitting on what I can only describe as...as a..."

Ithir drew his hand across his face, which was the signal for silence. The party backed away from the hole. "He's engaged with his toy phallus. We're in luck, and right on schedule. The dragon is at his games, which means he has little idea we are here. But I've laid the groundwork for this: he'll be happy to see me."

Thant coughed. "But is 'he' really a 'he'? I've heard a lot of dragons are sort of...kind of...mixed, in that regard. And I swear I saw some eggs down there."

Blug crawled back to leer at the dragon below. Ithir glanced at him, and pondered pushing the fool over the edge to be rid of him; but it was a little too soon for that. "He is a strange dragon," he explained to the rest of the party. "He plays at being female; he'll ride that rod, and then pretend to have a clutch. Those 'eggs' you saw were rocks. He sits on them, croons to them and guards them, and I've viewed him many times over the past month pretending to bear them. He lubricates them, and-"

"Disgusting," Vice spat. "Miserable worm. He deserves death!"

"It's not so strange for dragons," Sami said.

"We've also met many, and heard of more, who were of strange, queer genders," continued Sama.

Vice glared at them, but they nodded in unison. "It's true," they said together.

"I found a way to join his game," Ithir said as he started off along a downward sloping tunnel. "And that's the small crack in the wall that we need to dig all the way in! Now Blug, come with me. The rest of you, follow but stay hidden until you see me begin looting the great girlywyrm's treasure. You should be able to walk about, unobserved, if the plan works." He gazed at Orgo. "We didn't need you after all." Licking his lips, he thought to himself that aside from needing Orgo to carry a share of treasure back to the hideout, the healer might not be needed for much of anything...if whatever the idiot was chewing and sucking on didn't knock him out before too much longer. Some more climbing commenced until a horizontal opening, level with the floor of the dragon's lair was reached.

"Stay behind for a short while," Ithir whispered to Blug. "Come immediately when I motion to you." He left the idiot around the bend of a tunnel and stepped into the treasure chamber. There was the dragon, crouching over a lovingly constructed nest made of pines. He was reaching between his legs, moaning softly as he pushed one of his rock 'eggs' up into his body cavity. "Oh, you've fertilized me, you stud," the dragon moaned. "I'm heavy with your young, I just know it!"

Ithir smiled to himself, watching the proceedings; he remained quiet until the rock had disappeared into the dragon's body. "Hail, Dragon Zenoptrexes!"

The huge reptilian head turned and great eyes blinked. "Is that ...is that you, little hatchling?" A puff of silvery cold, slowly precipitating as snow, fell around Ithir.

"It's me, your friend. I've come to help you again."

The dragon got up to all fours, though he was a bit shaky in the knees. "Oh, my little hatchling, I'd hoped you would be here today. I'm in the middle of another clutch, and I need your help! Won't you help me?"

"Of course," Ithir said with as much eagerness as he could falsely portray. In any other situation, the dragon would sense it; but as lustful and crazy as he was, it missed the signs that would be obvious to most dragons that there was something amiss.

The pair of small gauntlets that the kobold had left here after his last visit were still by the nest; Ithir donned them. Stepping into the nest, he braced himself as the dragon resumed squatting over it. "I...I feel an egg coming now. Help! Help meeeeeee," Zenoptrexes cried. The rock 'egg' slowly began to emerge; Ithir pushed back on it, preventing its egress. "Ohhh...arrrrgghh! It's so much work, I can't...I can't lay it! Oh no!" To himself, Ithir thanked several deities that he'd been able to find the gauntlets as he pushed against and fondled the edges of the dragon's slick, lubricated butt.

Back around the corner, the six kobolds watched their leader with mixtures of fascination (Thant, Sama and Sami), drugged indifference (Orgo), amusement (Blug) and fury (Vice). "What on earth is he doing?" Sami and Sama both spoke, looking at each other, then at Thant.

"It's hilarious! I've never seen anything this ridiculous! Oh, my sides hurt," Blug was crying with nearly silent laughter. "How did he ever let himself get talked into that? He's pretending to be a midwife under that huge crapping lizard? Ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Get out there," Vice hissed. "He told you to go. Now go before I bite off your tail!"

She lunged for him; the large brute stumbled out into the open. Both the dragon and Ithir turned to face the new arrival; the rock 'egg' disappeared back inside Zenoptrexes with a loud smacking sound. Ithir patted the dragon's thigh. "I brought a friend to help you, because you seem egg-bound....mother."

Zenoptrexes' expression became joyful. "You called me...Oh yes, yes. Please help me, little one." He grabbed at Blug as if to hurry him to the nest. "Help me lay my eggs....aaaaah! Rrrrrrrgggh!"

"Let go of me, I can't breathe," Blug coughed. The dragon released him, and the kobold fell to his knees, wheezing. "Quite a grip you got there, mommy."

"Get over here! Push on it," hissed Ithir. "Keep it from coming out. I've done this with the dragon twice before. He becomes enthralled with the challenge of it...meanwhile, we'll steal as much as we can carry!" He let Blug take over, smirking as the bigger kobold realized that Ithir had been wearing protection for his hands; he tossed the gauntlets down at Blug's feet, but the stupid bully was in no position to stop and pick them up.

The laughter and the weakness it brought Blug left him incapable of doing anything but pushing back against the rock and the dragon's vent, but he nodded in appreciation of the plan. "It's like locking humans in their outhouses before raiding their homes! I understand. Great plan, great plan! I just hope I don't start laughing again."

Ithir left Blug pushing and straining to hold the 'egg' in place as the Great Dragon Zenoptrexes pushed and strained to lay it, crying out and playing at labor pains with a melodramatic turn. "Oh, pleeeeease help me to lay this egg, my little hatchlings" the dragon called out. "Please!? NNNNGGGGGHHH!"

Most of the remaining kobolds scurried into action, joining their leader. Sami and Sama unfolded a huge sack, while Thant tossed everything his chubby claws could close around into it. The process was quite loud, and at first every clink and crash of silver and gold plinking against one another made the trio turn to look at the dragon as if they were now three as one; Zenoptrexes just continued moaning and crying about the difficulties of his "labor". Grinning as widely as any thief ever did, the three worked faster and without care as to what disappeared into the bag.

Vice took a slower approach, appraising pieces with a discerning eye and putting them in a much smaller pouch. It would still end up being worth as much as the huge load that the doublet would be carrying. Poor Thant wouldn't have anything for himself, as the twins would no doubt take it all. She chuckled to herself, spotting a beautiful necklace; she briefly thought of wearing it, then frowned and tossed it away.

Ithir went after one specific item: a sword. It was half buried under some human or elvish armor, and it was still grasped by a decayed, skeletal hand. Without hesitation, the small reptilian fellow bit down on it, chewing the knuckle bones and spitting them out as he swung the sword around, free of the remains of its previous owner. He felt a quivering sensation in his arm. The vibration might as well have spoken out loud to him: "I am magic. I live...and I am with you."

He wrapped it up in cloth picked from among the armor of the corpse and watched his party's progress. Thant was groping around for treasure for himself now; Sami and Sama were hauling their large bag together back to the escape tunnel. There was no sign of Orgo; perhaps he had passed out somewhere in the tunnel. It was just as well-it would save Ithir some dirty work later if that herb-addled idiot just stayed lost forever down in the winding deep caverns.

"Oh!" The dragon roared. "Oh, I've almost...got it..." Zenoptraxes curled his long neck down to peer at his nest. "You don't need to push back so hard now, I'm ready to...what!? WHAT!?" The serpentine head whipped back and forth, taking in the situation quickly. "Treachery! Thievery! Vile, betraying vermin! I'll kill you! I'll...urrrgh..."

The discomfort and pressure of the rock 'egg' in the dragon's passage kept him from rising immediately. "Stop pushing on that," he roared at Blug.

"Not on your life, you queer freak!" Blug was laughing, which sapped his strength. It sank into his thick head that as he was the closest to the robbed dragon, the jeopardy was greatest for him. His mirth evaporated and he grunted with effort to keep the rock in place, halfway in and halfway out of the dragon's vent. "Uh...Ithir? Thant? Orgo? A little help here? Um...Vice? Hello?"

Ithir made his way back to the rest of the gang as they stood around the exit. "Not a little help: you've been a lot of help, Blug!" Vice laughed and waved, and led the twins up and away as both Zenoptrexes and Blug struggled with the balance of power. "We couldn't have done it without you, Blug. We owe you one...we'll have some ale in remembrance of you. Keep pushing, both of you."

"ITHIR" both the dragon and the kobold roared, and then a loud shouting match punctuated with grunts, moans, and groans began. Thant ran off down another tunnel, clutching some sort of chalice loaded with coins and gems; this brought the party and the number of shares needed to four, as far as Ithir was concerned.

The kobolds started the long trek back, heavily laden with many treasures; Ithir with his sword and the others with their coins, gems and jewelry.

As they neared the hole in the floor where many of them had first seen the dragon, there was a change in the sounds below; a triumphant, relieved roar, a pained scream, and a splat.

"Ugh," said Sama.

Sami looked started, as if he didn't know what to make of his counterpart's autonomous action. "What is it?"

Vice looked over the edge and grimaced. "I think the dragon got a hold of poor Blug and squeezed him until he popped."

"Yeah...and I caught his eye," Sama said.