Colliewood & Whine
A story of the silver screen.
Rodolfo Volpino (better-known to his adoring fans as Rudolph Volpino, or simply Volpino; like the great doyenne of Colliewood, Lassie herself, he was famous enough to need only one name) sighed and fidgeted in the makeup chair.
"Almost done," the motherly corgi soothed him, brushing out his neck ruff. Volpino needed little attention; the cameras loved the way his twinkling, soot-rimmed eyes stood out against his white coat. His first picture, The Shake, had been an overnight sensation. Dogs packed the theatres when a Volpino movie was showing, and a glimpse of his fluffy tail bouncing down Whine Street was enough to bring fans and autograph hunters out in full cry.
The corgi applied lipstick and mascara to make Volpino's expressive features even blacker, and puffed powder into his fur. "There," she said, untucking the towel from his collar, "you can go!"
Tallulah was already on the set, her apricot fur a glowing haze around her muzzle in the spotlights' glare. She was wearing a pale blue dress and looked as beautiful as the night he first met her.
"And...action!" Vizsla, the Hungarian director, barked from his canvas chair as soon as Volpino stepped onto his mark.
Tallulah crossed the set towards Volpino, the blue dress swirling around her ankles.
"I want a divorce," she said.
Volpino clasped his paws to his heart in the exaggerated way that worked best on celluloid. "What? You can't!"
The Afghan hound flashed her pointed teeth in a smile - she had recently become the face of a well-known brand of tooth powder - and wagged her tail. "Yes, I can. I'll cite your drink problem, your personal habits, the way you chase after anything in a skirt and quite a few things in pants, not to mention," she turned and looked at him over her shoulder, down her long muzzle, "the violence."
Volpino leapt across the room and pulled her roughly into his arms. "The what?" he growled.
"There you go again! Ohh, how you threaten a poor defenceless girl!" She fluttered her eyelashes, leaning against his chest. "I want half of everything, and the house. Or you're finished in this town."
The spitz stared down at Tallulah - her honey eyes, her flowing coat, her perfect, moist nose.
"Bitch," he said.
And he kissed her.
*
Volpino sat between Vizsla and Tallulah, his shirt front frosty with starch, conscious that he would be watched as closely as the picture by the audience in their first-night finery. The excited wuffling from the stalls hushed instantly as the house lights dimmed and the organist began the stirring theme song. Volpino watched himself run through his tricks, the film giving everything a hectic, jerky pace. In monochrome, he shone like a comet against the grey coats of the other actors.
The music swelled and the final scene rolled round. The star leaned forward in his seat, studying Tallulah as she flickered towards the camera. Volpino clasped paws to chest; Tallulah's silent muzzle opened and shut. The intertitle, white text on black with curlicues in the corners:
"Oh, darling, how I have missed you! I thought you would not return!"
Volpino's mouth said "The what?"
The title card read:
"Of course I am here. I have killed Rex Rover, the cur who was blackmailing you and threatening your honour, and I have come to marry you - if you still will have me."
Now she was swooning in his arms, Volpino upright and heroic in full-frame.
"I will."
Screen-Volpino looked down at the heroine for a long time, even with the speedy film, before his last line:
"I love you."
The image shrank to a heart-shape around their kiss, and faded into closing credits. The dogs in the theatre, who had snuffled and whimpered at the love scene, rose clapping to their feet. Volpino stood and bowed, waved his paw graciously, and turned to kiss his co-star and ex-wife on the cheek. The audience cheered.
"They loff you! Volpino, that was the performance of a lifetime," Vizsla muttered to him.
Volpino took a last look at Tallulah, whose curtsey to the assembly showed them as much cleavage as was legally permissible (but no more), and his right paw stroked the fourth finger of his left, the fur still flat where a ring had been.
"I know," he said.