The Virginity Fairy (Preview/Tester/Teaser)

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This is an excerpt from a thing I started writing while high off my ass on Nyquil after a long, frustrating day of stabbing babies.

I usually hate teaser fics because they're just LAZY when you think about it... but after six months of not writing anything (thanks a lot GOVERNMENT), I have no idea what I'm looking at, quality-wise. So if anyone can muster anything more enthusiastic than a 'Meh.' for this, I'll finish it. But right now it's the 30-dollar whore who's spending way too much time fixing herself up in my bathroom after I just paid her to videotape me stomping on eggs while wearing drag: I've blown my load for the night and don't want to be dealing with her anymore for now.faceplants onto his futon, snoring loudly


Legend has it that if you leave five dollars beneath your pillow and go to sleep face-down without any underwear on, the Virginity Fairy will come and take your virginity away.

Which is good, because that's just what Caylen was on the market for tonight.

It was the eve of the little pink bunbun's sixteenth birthday and, try as he might he hadn't managed to get laid all year. Caylen had pulled out all the stops: wearing skinny jeans that rode down the crack of his shapely pink ass, writing his phone number on the walls in the boy's bathroom at school, posting skanky crotch-angled pictures of himself on his Facebook page, the works. Nothing.

Maybe it was just the hick town he lived in. The few gay boys that went to his school were either too old, too ugly, too primpy and prissy, too deep in the closet, or they were already in committed relationships. Or they were super hot, super available, and bottoms. Fucking bottoms.

Anyway, Caylen had finally had it up to here with being a virgin. He could practically feel his virginity rooting around inside of him, just begging to be exorcised. It made his butt itch. It woke him up at night, panting and horny, wishing he had someone there to plow him against the headboard hard enough to wake up his parents downstairs.

So that night, he was finally taking the easy way out. Yes, it was technically cheating. And no, Caylen didn't particularly care.

Standing almost nude in the dimly-lit warmth of his upstairs bedroom, Caylen turned and posed his feminine frame in the full-length mirror. He lifted his oversized nightshirt over his tail and flexed his cheeks, pouting. The white underside of his fail flicked about. He tried one pose with his ears tucked over his shoulder. Then he tried with his ears back the way they were originally. Maybe with the lacey blue thong, he thought to himself No... the bedtime story specified 'no underwear'. He tried from another angle,. His reflection flashed him its stubby pink sheath and matching coin purse, dangling between two scrawny legs.

With a frustrated huff, Caylen let the stretched-out old t-shirt drop, plodding over and collapsing across his twin-size bed. As his face touched down on the pillow, he could hear and feel the crisp new 5-dollar bill crinkling underneath. His sheets smelled heavily like lavender Febreze - prep work he'd done earlier in the evening. His little button nose crinkled. Maybe he shouldn't have used so much.

Checking over his shoulder to be sure the window was left cracked, Caylen clicked off his bedside lamp and kicked his way beneath the tangle of unruly bedsheets, reaching down to tug them most of the way up his back. The rules didn't say anything about covers... besides, it was a little chilly. And while the bunny wasn't accustomed to sleeping on his belly, after a few uncomfortable moments getting adjusted he felt the familiar tuggings of sleep on his eyelids. He yawned loudly. Snuggling down against his pillow, Caylen slowly drifted off.

. . .

FWUH-FWUH-FWUH-FWUH-FWUH-FWUH-FWUH-FWUH!!

Some time later, Caylen awoke to what sounded like an attack helicopter trying to force its way into his bedroom.

Caylen leapt straight up in the air, legs tangling in his bedsheets, crashing down onto the floor beside his bed with a loud thud! He struggled to kick the knotted mass off his legs while trench-crawling beneath his bed, clutching his arms over his head, curling in the fetal position. But just as suddenly as it had started, the horrible noise was gone.

Arms still pinned around his pinned ears, the bunny cracked one pearly blue eye. The window was being wrenched open. Someone Ooof'ed and a weight plodded down on the floorboards. Two fuzzy gray legs appeared just on the other side of the bed, less than two feet from where Caylen lay clenched in terror.

Nothing happened for what felt like an eternity.

"Hey, what gives?" came a strange lisping accent. "I was sure this was the right address. Hello? Hello?"

Two gnarled, weirdly-shaped feet picked their way across the floorboards. Caylen heard buttons being mashed, followed by an electronic voice reading out GPS directions.

"Um..." the intruder cleared his throat, "Virginity Fairy here for a Miss..." the sound of paper being rustled,"... sorry, Mister Caylen. Oh, good. Another unfuckable teenage boy. I certainly don't get those very often."

The intruder sighed. "Alright Tub-O, where ya at? Let's get this going. I've got a lot of houses to hit tonight."

Caylen's lungs still refused to breathe. His muscles remained locked in place.

"Umm... okay then. Well... I'll leave my business card on the dresser here if you should change your mind. Thank you for calling on Virginity Fairy Services LLC, where we're in the business of giving you the business!"

The feet shuffled over towards the window, hesitated, then shuffled back towards the bed. Caylen felt the bedsprings rattle.

"Taking the five dollars. Arrival charge, non-refundable. Kay, bye!"

"Wait!"

Caylen surprised himself by calling out. He quickly made his way out from underneath the bed, at last kicking free of the tangled bedsheets and standing to full height.

"Oh!" chirped the strange gray creature brightly, it's gnarled hand (one of four) still poised at the windowsill. "So you ARE here!"

Seeing the thing face-to-face, Caylen was taken aback. Mostly because he wasn't quite sure what it even was.

The creature looked like a battered old pinata that someone had left out in the rain. It came up to about mid-chest on the rabbit and had the build of a small, malnourished child. There was an unruly mane of hair sitting atop it's oddly shaped head, through which a pair of impossibly large, pixellated eyes peered out, unblinking. It had four arms - two larger upper ones, two smaller lower ones - and what appeared to be two folding fans attached to it's back. Upon closer inspection, Caylen realized they were wings.

The creature eyed Caylen appraisingly, it's eyes turning a friendly shade of blue. "Ooh-hooh-hoooh... you're not half-bad! I usually get stuck with pimply-faced yuckos!"

Caylen tried to smile convincingly as he continued to study it. It had a car GPS banded to one of it's skinny wrists and was wearing a utility belt with what looked like a menagerie of sexual accessories belted and clipped into every available slot. Aside from a mottled pink color across it's pinched abdomen, the thing was completely covered in gray, itchy-looking fuzz. It seemed to be made out of dryer lint. Or asbestos.

"Well, I guess we ought to go ahead and get started," the monster said, popping all four of its knuckles simultaneously. "I'm Agrius, by the way! I'll be giving you your first tap 'n tickle." The thing (an insect, Caylen decided) extended one of it's claws, offering a handshake. Not especially wanting to touch it but also not wanting to be rude, Caylen reached out and shook the claw.

"I'm Caylen," said the pink bunny finally. "So you're the... you're the Virginity Fairy?"

Yep!"

"I guess I was expecting someone a little more--"

"Buffer? Sexier? Less nightmare fuel-ish? I know! Everybody does! But you get what you pay for. And let's be honest... five dollars doesn't exactly stretch very far these days. Obama."

Now Caylen felt really uncomfortable, standing there in just his t-shirt with this strange creature looking up at him. Maybe he wasn't in that much of a hurry to lose his virginity after all.

As if sensing the bunny's thoughts, Agrius held up all four hands as if in surrender. "I know what you're thinking. Eww, right? Weird creepy moth guy. Smells like old curtains. Looks like a Brillo pad. BUT..." the moth held up one finger, "... believe it or not, I'm actually really good at this! No kidding. I do this forty, sometimes fifty times a night, five days a week. I'm an expert. Couldn't pay my bills if I weren't. AND..." the moth's two lower hands were making a lewd finger-in-the-hole gesture, seemingly independent of their owner's awareness or control. "... I have a money back guarantee. If you're not completely satisfied with the sweet, sweet lovin' I'm about to lay on you, I'll refund you your five dollars. Easy day!"

Looking at the moth, Caylen felt both his sex drive and his ass clench up. There was absolutely no way.

"I'm really sorry," the bunny stammered, knuckles working anxiously together in his lap. "I just... don't see that happening."

"Did I mention I have four hands? And a really long tongue? And no gag reflex? And a sweeping knowledge of all the sweet spots that'll make a boy's toes curl up and his tail thump?"

Caylen thought about that. The mental image wasn't a particularly pleasant one. But he was already set to lose his five dollars. Maybe if he closed his eyes?

"Tell you what," the moth said, reaching out and placing one hand on the slight curve of the bunny's hip, making Caylen's fur stand on end. "Why don't you turn out that light? Lay back. Close your eyes. I'll put on some gettin' busy music, and we'll just go from there. If at any point you want me to stop, tell me and I'll stop."

Caylen still wasn't sure. But his sex drive had flared ever so slightly at the mention of toe-curling and tail-thumping, and to his surprise he found himself sitting down primly onto the mussed-up bed. Wincing, he reached out a shaking hand and found the switch to the bedside lamp. He sat there in the darkness, sitting upright with his hands knitted together in his lap, eyes pinched resolutely shut, waiting for something to happen.

* * *

To Be Continued... POSSIBLY