FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Set Me Free!

by Winter

7

The next morning was no improvement. I slept until half past nine, then took another walk with Ten and gave her breakfast. As for myself, not even a cup of coffee seemed appealing, so I just sat at the kitchen table, waiting for the clock to reach eleven. That was usually a safe time to call Jeff, even on a Saturday morning. At the strike of the hour, I dialled his number, and at first I tried to act like everything was normal, but as soon as he started to pry me for details of my night of ecstasy with Florian, the dam burst and I told him everything. He listened patiently, and only when I started to repeat myself in cursing myself did he interrupt me.

"Listen, Scott, you're absolutely right. You are a damn idiot." I started to object, but he wanted to hear nothing of it. "No, listen to me, I really mean it! You had the chance of a lifetime, and you fucked it up. Florian was perfect for you, and you for him!"

"No, Jeff, it wasn't right." Fresh tears had started to run down my cheeks, and I knew he could hear me sob now and then. "We're not from the same world. He and his dad, and now this Alex guy, they've got some kind of slavery thing going on. With Florian as the slave. Do you really think I could've done that? Been his master or whatever? I don't think so."

"If you really believed that, you wouldn't be so upset. No, Scott, people can change. If you had just told him how you felt, things might have turned out different. You could have given him another life, taught him another kind of love. I know you, Scott, you're so gentle! He would've come around. Either that, or you would have come around his way. Doms don't have to be ruthless bastards, you know. Or you could've met somewhere in the middle."

"I'm not so sure about that. Any of it."

"Yes, it is true. People can change. You've changed yourself, Scott." He sighed, and I realised that for the first time in all the years I'd known him, I heard anger in Jeff's voice. "When the hell did you turn so fucking stupid?"

"Jeff, please..." I was crying so hard my voice was little more than a hoarse croak.

"No, no 'please' anymore! I told you not to fuck it up, but you fucked it up anyway! I'm still sure he would've stayed with you, loved you, but oh no! Well, you dealt yourself this pain, so I won't feel sorry for you!" By now, he was yelling at me, but then his voice turned soft. "But I do feel sorry for him. He never could choose on his own, you know. You chose for him, and from what you told me about this Alex I'm pretty sure you chose pain for him. And damn you, you chose pain for me, too."

"Jeff...?"

"Do you think I'm joking when I come on to you, Scott? You mean you really have no idea just how attractive you are to a gay man?" I heard him draw a quick breath, almost like he was sobbing, too. "It really hurts me to hear you feeling so down, Scott, and it hurts even more to tell you off like this, but man! I really hoped you would be happy! But you just had to fuck it up."

"I'm s-sorry, Jeff." I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. Somehow, hearing all this had sort of sobered me up, and I was able to feel more than just self-pity. "I... I really didn't know... didn't realise..."

"It's okay." He sniffled. "I have no right to be mad at you. I just thought... thought you deserved to be happy."

"No, Jeff, you have all the rights to be mad. You were right, but I was too damn stupid to see it. And now it's too late."

"Is it? Can't you go after him?"

"I don't even know where they went. Alex never said where he lives. And even if so, I just know I broke Florian's heart, the same way I broke mine. I don't think he'd want me even if I went to get him. And I'm sure Alex wouldn't let him go. It's too late, Jeff."

"If you say so, then I guess..." Jeff's voice trailed away. "Do you want to come over? Maybe we could...?"

"Jeff, please don't," I interrupted. "I know how you feel now, but... I don't think I could be with you. I don't know if I'm really gay or not. What I felt, hell, what I still feel, I think it was just for Florian. A one time thing. One time love."

"I was gonna say maybe we could get pissed together and cry over lost loves and the general unfairness of life." I found myself unable not to laugh at this, and as he laughed with me, a bit of the blackness lifted from my heart. "Scott, we're still friends, right? Even though I got mad at you?"

"Sure. I want to be your friend, Jeff. I always did. I'm too tired to get drunk right now, but maybe I could come over later today?"

"Great! Thanks, Scott. That really means a lot to me." He giggled. "And once I get you drunk enough, maybe you'll let me have my way with you."

"Incorrigible..." I growled at him, but he just laughed. "In-fucking-corrigible."

"Don't swear, honey, it doesn't become you. I'm the fucking foul-mouth here. You're the sweet sugar-lips cutie-pie."

"Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Jeff." He laughed again, and once again I joined in. "It's not working too well just yet, but you get an A+ for effort."

"Anytime, honey. Call me and I'll pick you up, and don't forget to get a baby-sitter."

We did get drunk and we did cry over lost loves. That day, I got to see a side of Jeff I had probably guessed existed, but never thought I'd actually witness. Beneath the 'always happy, always horny' surface was a heart of gold, and I was thankful, now more than ever, that he was my friend. We gave each other comfort and support as afternoon turned to evening, and evening to night, telling and listening to each other's stories of woe. As it turned out, Jeff wasn't exactly heartbroken because I had failed to respond to his advances when we first got to know each other, but he was slowly becoming frustrated with the fact that he couldn't find a steady boyfriend. The poor guy was love-sick, and the one-night-stands made him feel worse, if anything. I, of course, could hardly stop crying over Florian. All the insecurities I had felt during the last week, as I slowly but surely fell for the young wolf, were gone now, and I knew I would elope with him the moment I saw him again. If I ever did. Jeff kept trying to induce some hope by saying that Florian might decide he loved me more and come back on his own, but I couldn't believe in it. When Alex had put his arm around him, Florian had seemed so content, so safe and secure that I just knew he wasn't coming back. He was in a place where he belonged, and I had no right to even wish him away from it. Eventually, the strenuous day and the alcohol combined and made us drift away from the conscious world. I can't remember falling asleep, but the next day I woke up lying on Jeff's couch, comfortably tucked in beneath a nice warm blanket and still wearing my underpants. My head was throbbing and I felt sick to the stomach. Knowing the only real cure, I got up and made a pot of extra strong coffee, and the sound of the coffee machine woke Jeff up. He seemed no better off than me. I tried to sound cheerful, but failed miserably.

"Morning."

"Yes, it is. Acutely observed."

"Good morning," I tried.

"Not that I noticed," he grumbled, but my faked hurt look made him relent. "Yeah, yeah, good morning, Scott."

"Thanks for tucking me in."

"You're welcome. Just don't try to sit down for a couple of hours."

"How can you make jokes this early?" I shook my head, almost completely certain that he had been joking. "Coffee?"

"Yes, it is."

"Would you like some?"

"Mhm. Scott, I have to make jokes, otherwise my head will burst and I will die in agony. Have we got any Aspirin?"

"We? This is your place, I don't know."

"You will once you've settled in to stay." He grinned, his eyes still half shut. "Did you check the cupboard on the left?"

"No."

"Good, then there's still hope." He found a tube and served us both. "So how do you feel?"

"Hung over something wicked, but it'll pass. I hope."

"That's not what I meant, Scott." He grabbed my hand as I gave him a mug of steaming hot coffee. "How do you feel? Inside?"

"I knew what you meant." I sighed, trying to gather my thoughts. "I still hurt like hell, I guess. I miss him."

"Of course you do." He let go of my hand, but kept staring into my eyes. "Listen, Scott, you can't bury yourself in this, you hear? I'll drop you off at your place after breakfast, if you want any, then I'll check in on you tonight, okay?"

"Okay."

"I mean it, buddy. It's okay to grieve, but don't do anything dumb."

"Don't worry." I grinned weakly. "I'm not the suicide type, if that's what you worry about."

"Good. Take a couple of days off if you feel you need it, but then I want you back at work."

"Yes, boss!" I saluted him, but he didn't even smile. "Jeff, a couple of days off sounds just fine, but I won't fall apart, okay?"

"Okay. I just wanna make sure." He put down his mug, and suddenly there were tears in his eyes. A grimace of pain passed across his face, then vanished as a shudder down his spine. "I lost a friend once. One I loved like a brother. When his fiancée left him, he decided he couldn't live with a broken heart. And I swore I'd never let that happen again."

"Hey, Jeff, it's okay..." I put down my own mug and walked over to hug him tightly to me, just like I had hugged Florian a day and a half earlier. Before he walked out of my life. While Jeff fought back his tears, I patted his back, whispering to him. "I won't even think about it, I promise. I promise you that, Jeff. Deep within, I guess I knew I couldn't have Florian. Couldn't be what he needed. I'm hurt, but not fatally. I promise, Jeff."

"I believe you." He sniffled, then grabbed a firm hold of my buttocks. "Thanks for the hug, my friend."

"You're welcome."

I quenched a desire to punch him, and instead we nuzzled each other briefly before we broke the hug. I looked into his large, gentle eyes, and I felt that we had grown so much closer in the last couple of days. I knew we would never be a couple, and I could see in his eyes that he understood and accepted that. We would always be the best of friends, though. Staying true to his high-spirited self, Jeff suddenly got a devilish glimmer in his eyes, and before I could move away, or even begin to protest, he kissed me. A big, sloppy wet kiss with his tongue halfway down my throat. I pushed him back, snarling, but I couldn't find it in my heart to be mad at him. He laughed heartily, and I joined in.

Half an hour later, I stepped out of his car at my place and waved him off. I was still a little under the weather, but my senses still managed to sound the alarm as I spotted a speck of white fur moving towards me. But no, it was someone else; a snow-leopardess, on her way to work maybe. My heart sank as I picked up Ten at Mr Wilkins's, then went into my suddenly very large and very empty apartment. Something was definitely missing, and both my dog and I knew the answer. Florian. I thought about his shy laughter, about the unabashed way he had walked around naked, about his soft white fur underneath my hands as I had held him when he had cried, and I felt myself becoming slightly aroused. The sheets still smelled of him, and I lay down to relish in that sweet, clean scent that would soon be gone for good. Tears welled up in my eyes again, and the pain inside my chest returned. I cried for a while, but then I got up and changed the sheets, shoving the old ones into the bottom of the laundry basket. The sooner the better. Then I remembered the pictures I had taken of him while he slept, and at first I thought about destroying the film. But I changed my mind. I would use up the roll, then have it developed so I could at least remember what he looked like. As if I would ever forget! Love could be so cruel sometimes. I had just begun to realise that I had found it, then it was snatched away from me. The rest of that day was just about the same; I was lost in a feeling of deepest melancholy, but it was as if the pain had made me numb, and came only as a couple of sudden pangs that left me gasping, whenever something directly reminded me of him. I threw away the food from Friday night, which had gone bad while I was out of it, then sat down and tried to watch TV. Jeff came over in the evening, and we talked for a couple of hours. He seemed to know that I wasn't in the mood to get cheered up, so he kept the jokes to a minimum. I was thankful for that, and I was almost about to ask him to spend the night when he got up and left, to get some sleep before tomorrow's work. I didn't really want to be alone, but at the same time I didn't want to take advantage of our newly strengthened friendship. He made sure to tell me I could call him whenever I felt I needed to, night or day didn't matter, and we decided that I would take Monday and Tuesday off, then come back in on Wednesday. I was no use as I was just then, anyway. Then he was gone, and I felt I had nothing left to do but take care of Ten, then go to bed.

I can't remember if I had any dreams that night, but when I woke up the pillow was all wet. The salty smell of my tears nearly set me off again, but I managed to fight it back, gritting my teeth. No matter how much I had tried to deny it, I was the one who had made the decision to let Florian go, and there was just no use moping about it. I spent the morning doing chores, then skipped lunch for a long, good walk. The weather suited my mood perfectly; it was grey and cloudy, but it wasn't raining. So where was the moisture in my face fur coming from? Despite my earlier conviction, I was moping. Not really crying, but unable to keep the tears back whenever they decided to start flowing. What hurt the most was that I knew, deep within, that I would have lost no matter what I had done. The type of man Alex was, and I guess Florian's father as well, I just couldn't be like that. What he seemed to want was someone who would look down on him, treat him like a servant. Or a slave. I had regarded him like an equal, and even though he had seemed to like that, it had also made him nervous. I told myself, over and over again, that I had made the right decision, that Florian had left to live the kind of life he needed to live. But a nagging doubt persisted. He had enjoyed his stay with me, I felt sure about it. So what was to say he couldn't change? Adapt to a more normal life? No, that didn't sound right, either. Suddenly, 'normal' seemed very much equal to 'boring'; I realised that I really didn't want to change Florian. If I were to ask him to be someone else, someone he'd rather not be, then I'd be as bad as Florian's dad, or Alex. No, I decided, I'd be worse. They gave him what he wanted, or needed, while I wanted him to give me what I wanted and needed. But what if I were the one who changed? I shook my head. I couldn't see myself as dominating Florian the way Alex had done, no matter how hard I tried. So what if we could meet half way, like Jeff had said? Sort of adapt to each other. Suddenly, I needed to know. I had to talk to him, to ask him if he would be willing to try. If he would want to stay with me. Be loved by me. If he said no, I could live with that, I felt certain about that, but not knowing for sure was agony. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice when it started to rain. Soon a light drizzle turned into a heavy downpour, and by then I was already outside the town border. I shivered with cold as I made a new decision. I would talk to Florian again. For his sake and mine. He had made his decision, but he hadn't known all the facts available. He hadn't know that I was in love with him. I would tell him that, then let him make up his mind. And if Alex had any objections to it he could just stuff it!

I turned and ran back home, panting like crazy when I finally got inside and could slip out of my chilly wet clothes and into some dry ones. I really needed a hot bath, but first I needed to find out where Alex lived. Where he had taken my Florian. All I knew was his first name. Or was it his last? He had said they would have a long drive ahead of them, but for all I knew he could have been lying. Had he sensed my true feelings, and decided that distance would dishearten me from trying to find Florian? I could try to find other friends of Mr Saunders's, but that would take a lot of detective work. Apart from Alex, Florian hadn't mentioned any names at all. Jeff would surely help me, but I felt pretty certain that people who shared their special interest wouldn't be very likely to give each other away. Especially if it were the police that was asking, no matter for what reason. I could do a phone book search, but that would be next to useless, unless I was ready to call tens of thousands of Alexes to ask if any of them had a slave wolf named Florian staying with them. Also, how did I know Alex was even his name? My determination began to falter as I realised what a task I had set myself to. I needed to find Florian quickly, but I had no idea how to do it. Swallowing hard, I fought back tears and panic and forced myself to think. Maybe Jeff would know what to do, but it was still a couple of hours before he got off work, so while I waited I poured myself a hot bath and made a mug of hot chocolate. I had to get thawed up or I'd catch pneumonia.

Once the tub was filled, I stripped out of my clothes and stepped in, lying down and sipping my chocolate and thoroughly enjoying the nice warmth. I rubbed my fur to make the water seep through the dense inner coat and reach my skin. It would take a good while to get dry afterwards, but it was worth the trouble. I purred happily, slowly emptying my mind of all conscious thoughts. It worked for a little while, then Florian's absence made itself present. My arms remembered the last hug we had shared before he left, my nose remembered his sweet, clean scent. My eyes remembered the hint of sadness that was never far from his face. His beautiful face. Damn it, why had it taken me so long to realise that I loved him!? I was a police officer, I should be smart and daring, not shy like a schoolboy when it came to the man I loved. True, I had been off duty more than on the last week, maybe that had dulled my intuition. I had been too busy enjoying Florian's company to notice what it did to me. I thought about our time together; how I had comforted him when he cried, our trip to Forest Glade, our walks in the park with Ten, how adorably cute Florian had looked when he slept on the couch. Sighing, I drained my hot chocolate, but nearly choked on it. A thought had just struck me, hard as lightning. Forest Glade! Florian's lawyer! If anyone could help me, it would be him. After all, he was handling Florian's business, with the will and the inheritance and all. Surely he had to know how to contact his client? The thought had barely even registered before I was out of the bath, running naked through the apartment to grab the phone book. I splashed water all around me, and I gave Ten a real scare as I all but trampled her, but none of that really mattered right there and then. I roughly knew the address, and anyway there weren't too many lawyers practising their business in a town as small as Forest Glade. Sure enough, I quickly found the number, tore the page from the phone book and started to make the call. I dialled the number, but got put on hold. Dripping like a thunderstorm, I waited impatiently for the lawyer to come on. When he did, however, it turned out that he was more than unwilling to help.

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but I can't hand out neither the addresses nor the phone numbers of my clients to anybody. Not unless there's a police investigation going on, and even then you'd need a court order."

"But it's urgent! I really have to talk to him!"

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant Anderson, but my client is protected by professional secrecy. I have no right to disclose his personal data, and you have no right to ask me to do so."

"Please, can you at least tell me who he's living with?"

"No, I can't, but I'll tell you what." He went silent for a couple of seconds. "Why don't you leave a message with me, and I'll make sure to deliver it the next time I see him?"

"All right!" I thought for a little while, trying to phrase the message. 'Florian, I love you, dump the lion and come back home!' No, too mushy. 'I need to see you!' Too desperate. "Tell him... tell him to call me. It's really urgent that I get to speak to him. Even if he'll just tell me to fuck off."

"I'll tell him that, in other words, perhaps." He chuckled, and I gave him my phone number. "Normally, I wouldn't do this, Lieutenant Anderson, but young Florian spoke very fondly of you. You have a good heart. You may not know this, but even a lawyer might be able to sense such things."

"Thank you, thank you so much!"

That day I deeply regretted the fact that I had never bothered to buy an answering machine. Going out to buy one would mean I had to risk missing a call, so I couldn't do that. Instead, I paced up and down the hall, or just sat by the phone waiting for it to ring. When Jeff called to see how I was doing, I told him what I'd done, then hung up. Only afterwards did I realise that I had been almost rudely brusque, but I decided I'd apologise to him after I had spoken to Florian. The seconds ticked by slower than hours, and I grew ever more impatient and nervous. What if he hadn't got the message? Or if he had just decided that he didn't want to talk to me? Could I really sit there all night long like a love-sick cub? What if Alex wouldn't let him make the call? What if poor Florian hung somewhere, tied to an iron x like the one I had seen in the playroom? That night, Ten and I broke our previous speed record for the good-night walk by several minutes, and I could tell that she was very confused by my behaviour. Midnight ticked by, and before I knew it, the eastern sky had begun to brighten. Still not a sound from the phone. I had taken the receiver off the hook several times during the night, just to check that I still had a dial tone, and I hadn't slept a wink. A thousand different scenarios had played themselves out before my mind's eye, neither of them very pleasant. Jeff called at seven to hear the news, and he was a bit disappointed to hear there wasn't any. I took the opportunity to apologise for being so short last night, then hung up on him before he could answer. I would talk to him later. Hell, I'd treat him to supper if this went well. If. A small word with such vast consequences. Another hurried trip to the park, then back to the phone. I drowsed away for a couple of hours, but I was pretty sure a call would have woken me up. My stomach growled, complaining that I hadn't eaten a thing since Florian left, but I was far too jittery to be able to hold anything down. Tuesday was little more than endless hours of waiting for a phone call that never came. My mood slowly darkened, and when the clock ticked past midnight I was ready to give up. Jeff had called an hour ago to remind me I had to work the next day, and that I needed to get some sleep. So I grabbed the comfy chair from the living room and slept fitfully in the hall, right by the phone.

When morning came, I had still not heard a word from Florian. With a feeling of defeat, I managed to turn on the autopilot, showering and getting dressed. I even managed a glass of orange juice before I left for work. Jeff greeted me as I came in, and when I asked him if I could be on home duty for the day he said it was already taken care of. I told him that Florian hadn't called, and I guess my mood showed quite clearly, because he gave me a comforting hug.

"He'll call, you'll see. Just give it time. Maybe he hasn't been in touch with the lawyer yet."

"Maybe. But Jeff, I just have a feeling it's all over. I just feel like going home and lying down."

"Don't, Scott, please don't talk like that. I hate to see you this low."

"I'm sorry, it's just... I don't know what to do."

"Then I'll tell you what to do. You were supposed to do office duty today, filing reports and such, but Nellie just called in with a sick kid, so I'm one hand short on communications. You take that spot, answering calls and doing radio contact for north and east. You need to keep yourself busy, Scott. Whatever happens or not is out of your hands right now, you did all you could."

"I guess..."

"I know!" He pulled me with him and sat me down in his office, giving me a list of names and contact numbers. "Here's who's where, doing what for today, just listen in if anybody calls, answer the phone and redirect cars as needed. A walk in the park, baby."

"Okay, Jeff. Thanks for taking my mind off it."

"Off what?"

"Hmm, I can't remember."

We both laughed, and it felt good to do so. The day passed by without much happening, but it was nice to have something to do. As the clock ticked past five, we handed things over to the night duty staff, then headed out to the parking lot. Jeff climbed into his flashy little sports car and drove off, but not before making me promise I'd call him later tonight. Sighing, I got into my own car and headed on home, once more slipping into autopilot mode. I didn't much look forward to another night alone. By now, Mr Wilkins would have let Ten into my apartment, after taking her for a walk. I smiled. I wouldn't be totally without company. Dogs are great when it comes to sensing your mood, and I knew she would do her best to comfort me. I decided I would treat Mr Wilkins to supper some day, to thank him for always helping me out. There was nothing good in the mail, just junk, so I tossed it all down the garbage chute before I unlocked the door. I could hear the soft trampling of paws inside as my key rustled in the lock, and I crouched down, ready to greet my beloved pet. Instead, when the door swung open, I found myself staring at a pair of naked white-furred balls, with an equally naked and white, slightly enlarged penis sheath above them.

"I got your message," Florian said in a low voice.