Don't Hide Your Scars
This is something I wrote recently after realizing how many people have horrible secrets and memories locked away. How many people just hide everything and fake it. Even hiding who they are so they can feel excepted. I was one of those people. I have made it my goal not to let my past take me over. Not to let secrets and memories corrupt me. Not to hide anymore. To finally show my true self. This is for a dear friend who committed suicide because she refused to talk to anyone, for a few friends who have horrible pasts. And for anyone out there who are going through something or have gone through something terrible. And lastly for me. For my need to help people and for me to express who I am.
I keep talking about how I want to do something with my life, but I never go out and do it. So this is what I am doing. I am helping. I am saving. I am advising.
Don't try to hide your scars, because our scars are our story. That's how we witness to the world. Why should we be ashamed of what we have gone through? Why should we feel like we should be silent over something that hurts us so? If you read this one thing is sure: YOU MADE IT THROUGH. Why would that be something to be embarrassed about? You survived it, so why would you throw your life away lurking in the sorrow of your past.
I know it's hard to talk about it. I have problems of my own, everybody has secrets. I try never to bother anyone with my problems, I learnt from an early age how to wear a fake smile and hold back my tears when I say "I'm okay". I have been doing this for so long that almost nobody knows the real me.
I really want to sit down and get everything inside my head out and let someone else put things into context or learn to put things away. I'm scared to let go and tell anyone what is really going on in my head. I never feel I've got someone reliable to talk to. I have heard and given every excuse out there. The most common seems to be 'I don't want to burden others with my problems.' Almost everybody who I have helped or talked to has said that; it's like a barrier, a code for those who have been hurt. If you are with people who care about you then it won't burden them to help you. They want you to be happy.
In truth I bottle it all up inside because I don't know any other way of dealing with everything. I know I do this and try to stop doing it but it's hard. I hope if you are reading this then this helps. This is here to help you... and if you need to talk, don't be afraid to send me a message. I don't know how much I will be able to help, but I promise you I will try.
Sometimes I find myself hiding in solitude. A cave of my own creation inside my mind. A cave of isolation with walls of shame and secrets and a roof of low self esteem. The reasons for my hiding out there are many, and we all have times in our lives when we might find ourselves back in that cave. I've acknowledged that I need to be gentle with myself to lure myself out of this cave. I have gone out of my way to help others get out that cave, but I still feel myself stuck there. Giving advice is easy, but taking it is harder.
But then I remember that I promised myself I would not hide any more. I remembered who and what I was. I feel like no one understands me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve life. For most of you... I have been where you have been, and possibly worse. For some of you I can't imagine the pain, but you have gone through it and you survived. I'm not a bad person but that doesn't stop me from being treated like one. It hurts. It hurts like hell.
Sometimes I feel I can't do it anymore. Like I'm completely helpless. Like I'm worse than useless. But then something happens. They change. They're nice to me. I'm given a false sense of security and I wind up forgiving them like it won't ever happen again but it always does. I just want to get away, but I can't. So I deal with it, I mask it. Telling nobody. And that hurts even more than the secrets themselves. Holding it inside.
Every day I wake up is a fight for my life and it feels like I'm losing this battle. I depend on my friends a lot to make me feel better, but I never tell them what's wrong, just listening to them, knowing they are there if I do need them makes me feel infinitely better. I feel so much like a burden sometimes, even with everybody telling different.
In this world I have very little voice. So I do what little I can. I am very shy, I have trouble with speaking in public. Especially speaking up for myself. But one thing I have figured out is that I can write. So I use this gift to give this message to those who need it. You will be hurt, you will be betrayed; but you can overcome it. Instead of letting your sorrow wash over you, ride above it and let it strengthen you.
I generally have to find my own way through life. That is why we are only one person; we are alone, in the end. At times it gets very hard to not just break down, for even the walls you build to keep your true self hidden overflow. But you have people who want you to be happy. I know about secrets and problems, lies and betrayal; know how hard it is to share them, not only because it will burden others, but also the fear of their reactions toward you after you share with them.
Sometimes you need to express your true feelings. I don't mean you should tell everyone what's wrong, but there is nothing wrong with crying, or showing yourself without a smile for a day. I understand that, there are things from my past that I won't share, things I hope I have outgrown and distanced myself from; things I fear I haven't. Does this sound familiar?
Our pasts also don't have to define who we are now. We are past it, literally. If something like this is still going on, stop it. I've been in an abusive relationship. I'm not going to go into details, but I know it's hard to leave somebody even if they hurt you.
I am no one's judge, whether you were good or bad matters not to me, but I will give you my take, and I will help you through it if you let me. If you ever need to talk, I am here. Trust is something you have to have faith and give. You make a leap, and more often than not you will fall, but get back up. My motto has always been something like 'Don't expect much out of people. So that when they screw you over, you aren't too disappointed, and if they are one of a few good people, you aren't too ruined to be proud of them and smile.'
Too bad to learn it's meaning, you usually have to be betrayed. Just remember that a life lived without laughter is no life at all... (besides, laughing at the people who wish you harm is fun, and they get really mad) so smile and laugh.
People don't often like you if you're different; if you show individuality, or expression. If you don't fit societies mold of 'normal', you're an outcast. You lose and feel pain and betrayal. Maybe you have even faced death. I know it's tough, but sooner or later the pain lessens... it never goes away, but it gets easier.
Today's a new day for me, to make the best of all given to me. I look around and I see nothing but all possibilities.