The Best Summer Ever: Chpt 3 - State of Mind
#3 of The Best Summer Ever
This chapter is more sinister than the rest but it really digs into the mind of Jack and shows how troubling his past really was.
"But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself."
-Albert Camus
I stared out to the open ocean about twenty feet away from where I was sitting. Admiring the setting sun and its splashes of orange, red and yellow all across the sky. It has been five days since I had first invited him over, we have hung out everyday since then including today, things where going so well. I was trying to figure out what this who life thing was about, why am I here, why do I cut myself, why am I this way? I can't really say, well I know I started cutting due to those dicks at school, calling me a fag and beating me up, they didn't even know if I was gay or not!
But the bullying also leads to the question what am I even doing here? I've thought about that before too, but I was more like what am I still doing here, why don't I just kill myself and just get away from everything? I can't begin to tell you how many times I've thought of suicide, It always lingered in the back of my mind as I added another battle scar. I could cut vertically instead of horizontally and they can't stitch it back up, it's unfixable. Yet the thought always flew away from my mind, except six months ago. That day I hit rock bottom, I thought that the world didn't give two shits if I was still around. I grabbed all the sleeping pills from my mom's medicine cabinet when she was away on a business trip and swallowed them, all of them. Just as I was fading away my sister went into my room looking for me, her expression changed from happy to scarred in a second. She ran over to me and shoved her finger down my throat causing me to throw up most of the pills saving my life, Immediately followed by calling the police. I have never forgiven her for that, I know it sounds selfish but what I truly wanted that day was to die and she took that from me. Once I woke up in the hospital the next day I was devastated, why wouldn't they just let me die? I was told in the mandatory therapy sessions it was because your family loves you, It was a valid point but not necessarily true. My family rarely says that they do in fact love me, they mainly just forget I'm even there. The only reason I haven't tried to kill myself again is because it will most likely be another failed attempt and I don't want another five months of therapy.
And finally why am I this way, I have no fucking idea. It may have been a cruel joke by the universe or something but I have to now live with the fact that I am different, I like different people. With all this I feel I have finally found why I am here, to be with Brandon. He makes me feel so good, when I'm with him I don't need to cut, I don't feel worthless. He makes me feel so special.
My thoughts got cut off when I noticed my sister walking quietly up to me, she sat down next to me and followed my gaze to the open ocean.
"It's beautiful out here" she said, trying to start a conversation.
"Yea it is" I responded, sounding more focused on the waves than on her.
"So who's this Brandon kid?" she asked politely.
"My... boyfriend" I said.
She was the only one, besides Brandon, that knows I'm gay. She is the only one I could trust with this information.
"Oh... well is he cute" she asked.
"So fucking hot..." I responded.
"He said he's gonna help me quit cutting" I added.
"Thats Great! well if you need other help, I'm always here for you." She replied
"Thanks"
We then watched the magnificent sun set until the orange, red and yellow vanished to show the starry night sky.