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Chapter XV:

Memories of the Past

Ryan:

I had no intention of dying, but that one shot broke my lucky streak.

Everything was a blur after we had run from the base. There was...gunfire, I think, loud explosions, bright lights, and snow. We were running from the base just after obtaining the plans, taking out the guards that blocked our path ahead, and blowing up the front gates. It was...Jun, Viktor, Jason, and I who were running out of the base after getting the plans, and we were being fired at from behind. I had gotten grazed on the cheek if I remember correctly...yep; there was a scabbed-up cut across my cheek where the bullet had swept across my cheek.

As we were running, there was a feeling going through my body telling me that something bad was about to happen. It was during our run through the deep snow as we left the base, and I was shooting back at the soldiers inside the base to give us as much cover as possible.

That was when I had gotten shot.

It was quick and painless, at least, for the first few seconds. I didn't even feel it actually. All I heard was the loud BANG! that rattled the air around the four of us. That was when I felt something wrong. I had stopped dead in my tracks, unsure of exactly why, since my legs completely gave in on me and had me falling to my knees. My vision began to blur out until black dots filled my sight, popping up at every corner of my eyes until couldn't bear it anymore. I clutched my chest as the pain began to settle in, it was a searing pain that ran throughout my entire body--it felt like someone was literally choking me to death while spreading salt and lemon juice over invisible cuts that were all over my body.

I tried to cry out in pain but the words wouldn't leave my mouth, my mouth had felt like sandpaper and was raspy so nothing would come out. The pain was soon becoming too much to take, and I was soon starting to black in and out as I crumpled forward. I couldn't move anything, not my arms, not my legs, not even my head; everything seemed to just deny what I wanted to do. Right before I had fully blacked out from the intense pain, I caught sight of Jason, Viktor, and Jun over my body, shaking me violently while screaming out to me. Their voices were so distant and far away, despite actually being only inches from my body.

So...this was what dying felt like, or a version of it. It was slow, painful, and probably the worst thing of my entire life--second being in the plane crash that nearly killed me. I hadn't died in the crash but had gotten really close, almost too close for my comfort zone.

But now I really was dead.

It didn't seem surreal in my mind, but I was. Dead. I never thought I would actually die so easily. The word itself seemed so unfamiliar to me. I knew going into this war that I had a good chance of dying, and I was going to have to cope with that, but I was literally dead.

I realized what that meant and felt like crying my eyes out. I would never see Nicholas again, or Robyn...or Alexander...or Kuros...or any of my friends every again. I would never get to see Piper again. I would lose Jason as a partner. The G.M.A.F were going to lose major morale knowing I had been killed in battle, and they were now going to have to rely on Jason's help.

It wasn't fair! What did I do wrong to deserve this? I fought for my entire world, for my friends, for my partner, and for my family, who may have been dead but I still wanted to win this war in their honor. Yet, I let them down. I let everyone down.

As I stood alone, in this white place filled with white smoke that rose to my knees, my sense of dread only seemed to grow. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, if I had one, from a mile away. I lied a little when I said it was all white here. The entire place was covered in gray-ish white smoke, along with the sky, which seemed to stretch on forever.

I stood there alone. There was no one around as far as I could see, and I was sure I was the only person around for probably miles. My clothes had a changed from my robe to a plain white T-shirt, white pants, and white Converse. I wasn't tired, which surprised me until I realized that I was dead and that being tired didn't even matter anymore.

I sighed. "This isn't fair..."

The sound of light giggling caused me to jump. "Sometimes life isn't fair, dearie."

I literally yelped and jumped, sharply turning around as quickly as I could to see who it was that talked to me. I took a fighting stance but found no reason to once I saw who the person was.

It was only an old lady.

She looked old to me. Her hair was silvery white, tied into a bun at the top of her head, and had stands messy and out of place. She had wrinkles along her face and body, her bloody (heh) veins seeable and kinda gross, and there was a large mole on her cheek that made me cringe. She wore a green kilt, light blue top with a red sweater over the top and donned a pair of Harry Potter style glasses.

What struck me as odd was the fact that she was sitting down, with a hot cup of tea in her hand. She looked calm and sweet, unable to hurt a fly if she was given the chance, since she looked so fragile.

"Staring isn't polite, dear," she said again, sipping her tea lightly.

I shook my head to get it back into reality. "Oh, um, sorry."

She giggled then smiled warmly in my direction. "It's quite alright, dear one. I assumed you thought you were the only one here, right?" I nodded slowly. "Just what I thought. Don't worry, child, for this will soon all be over before you know it, but there is something I must show you that you will find most helpful in the future."

I was about to question her but the air around me began to spin and blow all around me violently. The wind cut through my words and stopped me dead in my tracks, soon forcing me to cover my sight with my arms, losing the old lady in the process. She seemed to disappear completely as the wind spun me around, hovering me in the air, in circles for a brief few moments before I was slammed back onto the ground forcefully, on my stomach.

Once I knew what I fell onto, I gasped. Grass! Plush, warm, thick, soft, grass! Upon further looking, I also found that there was more of it close by and around me. Taking this opportunity to check things out, I sprung to my feet as quick as I could and nearly fainted.

I knew exactly where I was. Everything had changed from this mass of quietness, old ladies, and smoke, to a place much more emotional and fulfilling. The sky had changed and was now its usual blue self with puffy white clouds which were scattered everywhere across the blue mass; the sun itself was high in the sky, shining down its pure warmth down onto the land below it. It didn't feel that hot actually, maybe because most of the clouds were making the temperature easier to cope with and the wind was slightly blowing to make it much cooler. The air itself was cool and refreshing, no signs of filth or a certain smell anywhere, aside from the light scents of freshly cut grass and flowers, which only made everything smell much better.

It was a park, one that I had recognized easily. It was a large one located back downtown where I used to live with plenty of people, places to go, and places to relax and have a good time. The place was massive and had its own small pond free for birds like geese to swim in, as well as a four mile long trail for people to go running whenever they felt like it. There was a small playground nearby for the little kids, which I remember all too well since I used to play on it, and there was a vastly open field where all sorts of games could be played, like, soccer, tag, football, and so on. Considering a beautiful day like this, there was no doubting that there would be kids in the field playing some sort of game.

Sure enough, I was right. There were at least a dozen, if not more, kid's maybe ten to twelve, playing tag in the field. They all were laughing, giggling, and running around like they all had drunk a ton of milkshakes. None of them looked tired or worn out, just a little sweaty mainly, and they looked like they were having the time of their lives just playing around.

Parents and their kids were also around, walking this way and that. I saw a few Digimon couples with their kids, human couples, and a mix between the two. A few couples had bought ice cream for themselves and their kids, using it as a way to stave off the light heat in the air. Maybe a few more couples, or regular friends, were also jogging up and down the street, just talking to each other while sweating it up.

All in all, it was peaceful. The whole place was serene, besides the giggling and shouting from the kids nearby. That counted as peace in my mind. This whole scenario had me thinking about the war, how if we lost then all this would disappear into a pile of ashes and bones. If we won, and that was a big if, then this could all be true, like it did for a time, but there would be no war, no conflict, and no more destruction. It would be the time of rebirth, a time for change, restoration of the entire world, new dawns, and new lives where no kids would have to live in a world where there was a war going on. People and Digimon could finally live in harmony with each other, without the Shadow Digimon here to try and take it all away.

But it was still a big if. Fifteen years into this war and we were still walking on a tightrope, dangerously close on the verge of losing all that we had achieved. We could lose the war any second of any day, of any week, of any month. Japan could fall and leave the U.S. vulnerable for attack; Great Britain was attacked already and if more was to come through, then they could fall, leaving Europe in shambles. America depended on those two borders for the sake of the last nation to live; otherwise they would've already seen the scars of war.

And now, it was up to Jason to finish up this war for the sake of Earth's future. I lost my chance because of a very good shooter (damn him) and also lost my chance to see my friends again. He had it in him. I knew Jason could pull this off, he had that drive to fight, and that will to keep pushing no matter what came his way. I had my faith in him, even though I no longer was, we were still connected.

Just as I was just scratching the surface of deep thought, a little girl had dead on run into me while I had zoned out. She knocked both of us to the ground with a loud thud that had me rubbing my butt. I started to get back on my feet then offered her my hand, finding out she had blonde hair tied into a ponytail, red eyes, and olive skin. She had on a yellow loose vest under a white T-shirt, jeans, and running shoes, all which showed she was very into her game.

Oddly enough, she looked very familiar. There was something about her looks that made me tilt my head, it may have been faint but she looked very familiar for some reason.

"I'm so sorry, mister," she apologized, a few tears welling in her innocent eyes.

I waved my hand aside and knelt down to her level. "It's okay, trust me. No harm done." Giving her a gentle smile, I patted her head, which turned her from crying into soft giggles.

"Maria! Come on! You're it, remember?" another voice called from across the field where the other kids were. It was a boy with brown shaggy hair wearing a kid's rec soccer uniform. Oddly too, he looked familiar.

"You're gonna be it, Alex!" she called back, waving goodbye to me, with another sorry before she left.

I waved goodbye to her just as it hit me all at once. Maria...now I remember. I finally got what the old lady was trying to tell me.

This was the past, or at least the final memory I was going to see before I finally drifted off into Heaven or Hell. That was the kid version of Maria, and there was Alex over there when he was younger. There was no doubt in my mind that the other kids running around were also my future friends.

So...if they were here, then that had to mean...yep, just what I thought. Sitting on a bench not far from the field was a little boy with blond wavy hair sitting alone. He wore dark jeans, a small black flannel shirt and dress shoes. He swung his legs back and forth under the bench, looking down at the ground like it was the most interesting thing that was now on earth. There was a thick book placed on his left side with a bookmark carefully placed near the middle of the gigantic work of literature.

Mini-me.

I smiled as I looked at him. Even when I was young, I was still a lonesome person who just kept to himself. With the few kids that lived at the orphanage, we were taken probably two times a week to the park where we could play all we wanted to, get some exercise in, and take in fresh air while we were at it. This must've been one of those days, I guessed. Both Nicholas and Robyn had barely come into the picture, just sticking to their own selves for a while but as the years went on, we got closer. But this was still early; even I couldn't find them anywhere here.

I took a few steps closer to my young self--which I dubbed "Young Ryan" to keep confusion from sprouting--and stood only a few feet away before he tensed up. Okay, I'm sure if I was in his shoes, before the war, I would've done the same exact thing. But I was older now (or was), stronger in myself, and more outgoing than I was before.

"Would you mind if I took a seat next to you?" I asked him kindly. "My legs are a little tired." I lied, feeling just fine.

Maybe it was creepy to ask him, or maybe he thought I was some sort of child abductor or something, but I guess this was probably the only time to get to know myself, literally, when I was young.

He rubbed his thumbs over each other. "S...sure." He pretty much whispered to me, nodding my way.

I smiled then slowly took a seat on his right, making sure to watch out for the book on the left. He looked at me from the corner of his eye, probably thinking I was either crazy or weird for wearing all white on a bright, yet cloudy, sunny day like today. It wasn't black, thankfully, or else I might've had to find a new change of clothes.

We both sat there for a couple of minutes, saying nothing to each other. If anyone came by, we could easily pass off as brothers. We both had golden eyes, which I soon noticed, blonde hair, and olive skin. I sat hunched over, my hands cupped at my knees, sitting next to the nervous me. He just did not look to be a talker at all; he only made careful glances my way.

Finally, after waiting for a good five minutes, I decided to break the silence. Even I knew when things were way to quiet.

"It's a nice day today, huh?" I asked, not making eye contact. It may have been just a regular question but it was still something.

He shrugged, rubbing his arm. "I...I guess." He replied, looking away from me like I was now suddenly scary.

"Why aren't you playing with your friends?" I asked him, already feeling like I knew the answer. I asked it anyway, just to know if I was right about my hunch or wrong about it.

He sighed sadly. "I don't...have any f-friends." He stammered, looking more pale than olive.

I was right about my hunch then. It was true though, I didn't really have any friends for the first few years I spent at the orphanage, and I only guessed that I was about ten in this memory, no older than that. Since I was a loner, I never really went out and talked to people or tried to make friends. I don't know why I stopped myself, of if myself stopped me (weird), but now I regret not being more outgoing with myself when I know I should've been.

This miniature version of me just showed how much of a shell I used to be, and if I hadn't toughened up through the war, then I would still be that same shell without any improvement. I would have no friends to rely on either, and I loved my friends down to the bottom of my heart.

"Why not?" I asked, tilting my head slightly to my question.

He continued to rub his arm. "Because no one...likes me." I heard him sniffle lightly, showing me that I was still less confident in myself as a kid.

"I'm sure that that is a lie."

"Nu-uh...it's the truth."

I laughed. "I don't believe that."

He finally looked at me, showing me the gold eyes that we both shared. Young Ryan tilted his head just like me, showing me the exact same features we still shared from each other. He/I still looked innocent, not a mean bone visible underneath all of that skin and small muscle. I bet he was wondering why a stranger, like me, would care about some odd person like himself, which was easily answerable since we were both the same person with the same likes, dislikes, looks, and personality. If I didn't care about myself when I was younger, then how could I expect to respect myself now that I'm much older? He was still me and I was still him, only he was now a smaller part of me and I was now a bigger part of him.

"Why?" he asked. "You don't even know me."

I know you more than you think, was what I wanted to say but pushed it aside. "Maybe I don't, but you're a nice person in my eyes. I may be a random stranger, and your parents probably told you to never talk to people like me, but I know what it's like to be a loner, trust me."

He looked away. "I...don't have any parents. I'm an--"

"Orphan?" I cut him off, finishing his sentence. "What a lucky coincidence. I happen to be an orphan, too. My parents were killed in the war."

"Like mine," he sighed.

I nodded. "Yeah, only difference now is that I'm fighting right now in my parents' names, along with my friends by my side."

"You're in the war?" he asked me.

"Yeah, and let me tell you," I leaned back on the bench, trying to get more comfortable. "If I didn't have any friends by my side then I'm sure I would've been killed a long time ago. They're the ones that help me gain strength even when all seems to be lost, and they're also the ones that make you want to keep pushing forward and strive to be better and better." I noted, placing a hand on my chin, thinking. "Just like I've relied on them, they've also had to rely on me as well for my own support. You see what I mean?"

Young Ryan looked a little shaky, he even sounded a little shaky with his response to that. "I-I t-t-think so..." he stammered once more.

"You sure?" I asked him. "Look, the point I'm trying to make is that you need friends to stand up for you when no one else will. If I didn't have any friends by my side, I'd already be a goner. I can understand working alone is good, and I can vouch that I used to do that, but once my eyes were opened to a completely new world where having allies is key, I became much better. Even you can get that good, but you have to open up yourself just a little in order to do so."

"That sounds right," Young Ryan replied.

"It is right," I stated. "Better to go out with a friend than to go out alone."

"I understand," he said, sounding more confident in his words now.

I stood up from the bench, wiping my forehead, which had begun to break out into a slight sweat during the small speech. I didn't usually start breaking out into a massive sweat during my speeches (which those themselves were rare) but it was hot outside, so this was a first.

"Come on, I have a plan," I smiled to him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, looking shaky again.

I only beckoned with my hand. "I'm gonna help you be more friendly. Just come on."

He didn't even object to my words and got up from the bench, already starting to follow me as I walked. If I was going to help myself--my younger self--then I was going to have to do what he was going to resent more than anything. Yep, socializing. Guilty as charged, I still wasn't great with this...with talking to others actually. Okay, yeah, I had a squad I used to be able to talk about anything with but now I was dead and it was in my best interest to help my young self before I was sent away.

Besides, he would've rejected me if he didn't think I wasn't capable of helping him. Whatever was going on inside his head at the time told him/me that I was able to be trusted. His/my mind made the right choice.

It was only seconds later did we arrive at our destination. We were back at the large open field where the kids were playing at, the children still in deep with their game of hide-and-go-seek or tag. It was a perfect opportunity to get my young self in with them before they all had to leave. If I didn't then I had failed myself, literally.

I held up my hand and waved to them all. "Hey!"

Young Alexander stopped right where he was and brought young Maria with him. Even though I couldn't remember what they were like when they were younger, they were still so innocent, oblivious to everything go on outside the country, but still playful with their day to day lives. It almost made me wish I had a normal life again, as if my life before the war was normal to begin with.

I digress.

"Oh, hey, mister!" Young Maria huffed, trying to gather up some air to speak.

"Pleasure to meet you again," I replied with a courteous smile. "I just came by to ask you something."

"Um, sure thing," Young Alexander said. "What'cha need, sir?"

"Would you mind if my...little brother played with your group for a while? My legs are a little tired and I'd like a slight rest before we go home." All of which was a complete, undeniable lie. Not like they could tell I was lying anyway. I had such a great poker face when it came to little kids.

"Sure!" Maria jumped up and down with joy. "He can be it!" She smiled, skipping over to my young self, taping his chest gently. "You're it!" she giggled before running off with the rest of the group.

Alexander snickered before patting young Ryan's shoulder. "You're it, man. Good luck!" he winked before running off just behind Maria.

My young self just stood right where he was, standing stiff with his knees locked in place. I rolled my eyes and gave him a gentle nudge forward, causing him to stumble before catching his balance to start running.

I rested my case. I turned myself around and made my way back to the bench, taking a seat with a soft grunt before I hunched myself over. My eyes wandered to young Ryan, he was laughing along with the other kids he was playing with, a smile seeable across his face with a red blush only to cover it. He tagged Alexander then sprinted off in a totally new direction, trying to evade the young boy.

I smiled myself. This was nice to see before I was finally at the gates of death. It was happy all around, joyous, upbeat, and positive. There didn't seem to be anything wrong, nothing at all.

Everything was in harmony.

"Peace at last," I muttered to myself.

A new voice added itself to the mix. "It is such a shame it cannot be a dream come true, can it not?"

It was the old lady. She sat right next to me, seeming to come out of thin air. She didn't seem to scare me though, it was almost like I was expecting her to appear out of nowhere and start talking to me again. Not saying she wasn't creeping me out at this point, which she really was, but her coming out of nowhere made me wonder why exactly she was targeting me.

Was she the angel of death in the form of an old woman? If she was, then it was pretty sick to do that. It was also ironic too. Old people close to dying, me dead? Eh, forget it.

"Not like I can create peace anymore now, right?" I replied, not moving an inch.

She shook her head. "Oh, my dear child, you still have a mountain of knowledge to learn. Your journey is not yet over. There are still obstacles you must face in order to combat the evil that plagues your planet at this very moment."

I turned my head to her direction. "I'm dead. How the hell am I supposed to save my world if I'm already so close to my own end?"

She laughed. "My dear boy, whoever said you were at the gates of your own doom? There is still time before you awaken from this dream and begin a life you have not finished living. True, your injury was severe but that does not mean it killed you, more like gravely wounded you. Not killed but wounded, there is a difference."

"So you're saying I'm not dead?" I gasped, my jaw dropping a few inches.

She nodded. "Close but not close enough." She looked at the cup of tea in her hands then wafted the smell into her nose, smiling as she let out a long breath of contentment. "The tide of the war is changing in your favor. You may not see it, but I can see it and you are growing closer to victory. However, there are still things you must find out on your own before you venture too far forward, lest you lose yourself along the way."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

She sipped her tea, waving her hand aside. "That will come at a different time, just not now. Now, there are two things I must tell you before out time is cut off."

Suddenly the wind around us began to swirl, whipping my hair in every direction possible. I covered my face with my arms but still gave myself room to see, watching as the scene around us slowed down before dissolving in clouds of smoke that were caught in the swirling vortex around us. The old lady was perfectly fine, sitting very relaxed with her tea in hand while I was forced to cover my eyes.

"Now, my first statement is to remember this quote." She cleared her throat. "'Nothing is true, everything is permitted'."

That sentence rang in my head, causing me to cover my ears as the ringing grew in volume and intensity. I cried out in pain as the vortex began to close in around us, growing closer and closer with each passing second.

"And what else?!" I frantically asked, gritting my teeth.

She chuckled, waving to me. "Tell Jason 'thank you'."

With those last words, the vortex sucked me up high into the air and caused me to black out.