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'I just don't know what she wants with me anymore...' 'Does being with her make you happy?' 'I'd like to think that I am but...' 'You're not...' 'Yes... It makes me question if everything I ever gave up for her was worth the sacrifice...' 'Hm...' 'I try to talk about it every time but she never has anything to say about it, as if she just doesn't understand what we're going through! What I'm going through! As if she just doesn't see it! It's because everything I have with her is one-sided! Even the conversations are!' 'Maybe she's insecure about your relationship with her.' 'Yeah, I know but... That's exactly how I feel too...! All the more reason for us to talk about it, right...?! I always give her the opportunity to do so but she just keeps it to herself. I mean, how can I help her if she doesn't even tell me what's on her mind?' 'Yeah...' 'I know she's insecure about it but her insecurities isn't only affecting herself, it's starting to affect me too...' 'How so?' 'I don't know! I just... I just want her to talk to me, I want her to cuddle me and tell me everything I need to know...! But she never does and it makes me feel as if it's all my fault... I just don't know what I'm doing wrong...'

That evening, around ten o'clock, I was on the phone with Samantha to talk about everything that was happening between Nikki and me. Talking to Sam about these kind of things always made me feel better, she always knew what to say. But still... Talking about how bad my relationship was going with Nikki really made me feel sad... The tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was sobbing quietly on the phone... 'You okay, Ceylan...?' 'Y-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine... It's just... I want her to tell me that she loves me... I want to be caressed by her and just make me feel that I'm being loved by her... Nikki doesn't show that to me in any way and it hurts me that she doesn't even see what it does to me...' 'I know...' 'I mean, how does a one-sided relationship even work?! She can't expect me to keep on giving while I get nothing in return...! It just makes me feel so empty on the inside...! As if I'm just being used by her...!' 'A one-sided relationship would never work...' 'Exactly!' 'It's been going on for a while, isn't it?' 'Yeah... But I've reached a point where I can no longer hide it from her anymore... So... I finally told her how I felt about our relationship this evening...' 'How'd she react...?' 'She didn't... She wasn't even looking at me... It made me feel as if I was talking to a tree or something, as if she was very ashamed of herself...' 'And after that, you left?' 'Yeah... I had to be alone for a while but... The way she looked at me made me feel guilty about leaving her... She was crying when I left...' 'Oh...' 'And... I feel so fucked up... I just don't know what Nikki wants from me anymore... She wants me to be with her, expect me to give her everything I can and yet keeps me at a distance...' 'Was she always this distant?' 'No, that's the thing! Back when we were still just friends, she seemed a lot more happier... She often smiled and laughed and... had so many things to tell me... She gave me kisses on my cheeks and hugged me whenever I took her out somewhere... Nikki was just so much different back then! She became more affectionate to me the day she came out... I talked to her about her orientation after bottling it up for so many years and it seemed it really boosted her self-esteem...' 'When exactly did you start to notice that things were going bad...?' 'I don't know... It slowly started to creep up on me... Nikki was just so much different back when I was Terry's girlfriend... And once she came out to me, she talked about her feelings and Nikki was so emotional whenever she talked about it... It made me realize that we have so much more in common than I ever imagined and that's what made me fell in love with her... But after I came out to her, all of that was just gone and the distance grew with each day passing by... And I wish she would just talk to me about the things that are on her mind so that we can fix it together... But she doesn't and it frustrates me because it makes me feel so powerless not to be able to help her... And it's starting to take its toll on me as well and no matter what I try, things only seem to get worse...' 'It's not your fault, you know...' 'Is it...? I fucked up with people before, Sam... Fucked up with the people I fell in love with, fucked up with the ones who cared for me the most... I just don't know why or... what I'm doing wrong every time...'

It stayed silent for a while as I closed my eyes for a second... My head was spinning that evening... A terrible headache started to come up ever since I got home... Taking two aspirins only seemed to make it worse... 'You still there?' 'Yeah, I just got a terrible headache that just doesn't seem to go away...' 'Maybe you should catch some sleep...' 'Perhaps...' 'Heh...' 'Sam...?' 'Yes?' 'Can I ask you something...?' 'Sure, ask...' 'How'd you manage to put up with me for so many years...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'I mean... What is it about me that made you stay my friend...?' 'Well, I know you a lot better than most people do... You sometimes do and say things you don't mean that hurt people but I know your intentions are good... But you just have a different way to express your feelings not everyone is able to understand directly.' 'Heh...' 'I admit, you're a difficult person to be around with but at least I know why... You always want to stay strong whenever things go bad but there's nothing wrong to express your feelings...' 'I just have a lot of difficulty with that...' 'I know but people can be intimidated by that...' 'What do you mean?' 'For example, if you're angry with someone but don't explain why you're angry, people get the feeling that it's their fault while it doesn't always have to be that way. There are tons of things that can happen to someone that might cause them to act like that. You can get mad but without explaining, people might get the wrong impression from you...'

'Nikki seems to get intimidated by me every time I'm angry or sad... I try to explain her why I feel that way but... it seems as if she just doesn't understand... It seems to get worse each and every time I try and talk to her about it... She just clams up on me and has no idea what to say...' 'Nikki might realize all too well on what's going on... But she also might get the impression that everything you're feeling and going through is all her fault... And perhaps there might be more to it than she lets you in on...'

It wasn't easy to fall asleep that night with Sam's words echoing throughout my mind... As a matter of fact, I couldn't sleep at all... For hours I was rolling over in bed, in an attempt to clear my mind... But I just couldn't... It kept coming back... I felt so miserable for leaving her like that... I know Nikki means well... There's just something going on with her that she isn't telling me... Something that made her change dramatically... It made me realize that losing Terry as a friend wasn't the only thing that was on her mind... There was a lot more to it, except I wouldn't know what it was, even though I still heard Terry's confession echoing throughout my mind... But that was something I'd rather not think about... All I needed was for her to be with me... And I felt plain fucking miserable for being so powerless... I wanted to help her more than anything... But maybe she just didn't want any help... If only I knew why... All I could think of was that I had to be there for her, now more than ever... So I grabbed my mobile phone... And even though it was one o'clock in the morning, it never occurred to me that she might've been asleep... Something told me that it was keeping her awake as well... Nevertheless, her voice sounded a little sleepy the moment she answered her phone... 'Ceylan...?' 'Hey...' 'H-How are you feeling...? You okay...?' 'I'm okay... How about you...?' 'I feel terrible...' 'I shouldn't have left you...' 'I'm so sorry, Ceylan... I-I didn't mean to a-a-and I just...' 'I'm sorry for leaving you... I shouldn't have...' 'Please, come back, Ceylan... I-I don't wanna be alone tonight... I miss you a-and... Uhm... I-I just... '

All of a sudden, I heard how Nikki broke down in tears... To hear her cry was heartwrenching... So much heartfelt sorrow... So much emotion was heard in her voice... It didn't take much before I too was in tears again... Hearing her to speak up her mind for the very first time was, uh... I don't know... It really moved me... 'I-I know how you feel... But that's what makes it so difficult for me... I don't know how to give in to those feelings... You've given me so many things and I don't know how to deal with that...' 'Don't cry... It's okay...' 'N-No, it's not...! You said that I had to take care of myself first but it's taking me nowhere and I only made things worse...! I don't know what it takes to be in a relationship with someone and how to give the things you gave me in return...! I don't... I mean... I...' 'It's not your fault...' 'It is... And... I-I don't want any of this...' 'Heh...' 'I-I see what is happening, Ceylan... And I... I just...'

She clammed up on me once more as I heard her sobbing quietly on the phone... I know it wasn't her fault... That's just who is she... A shy, timid girl with little to no self-esteem... It's actually kind of funny... Hearing her on the phone like that made me think that I was talking to a younger version of mine... Nikki and I are different in so many ways yet I always found something of her to which I could relate... I know I was once like her... I know having a relationship like this can make someone insecure... And sometimes, it made me feel as if the pressure was too much for her to handle, which caused her to act like that... To be so distant... I know what it can do to you... So I realized that I had to be there for her, to help her, now more than ever... She wasn't the only one who needed help... But I'd do everything I could to make it all better... I closed my eyes for a moment when I heard her sobbing like that... It made me gave in to it once more... 'You know I'm always there for you, right...?' 'I-I know... I just...' 'Listen... I'll just pack some things and I'll be right over, okay...?' 'You would...?' 'Yeah... And then we can talk...' 'Thank you...' 'Alright... See ya in a bit...' 'I love you...' 'I love you too, dushi...'

I knew it could've worked out between the two of us... I was so sure of it... Nikki said it herself, her eyes were finally opened... She finally saw how and what I was feeling... So it's only natural to talk about the things that are going wrong and to find a solution together, right...? I was wiping the tears out of my eyes the moment our conversation ended while having a smile on my face, knowing things would finally get better between the two of us... That one single call gave me hope... It really did...

Nikki buzzed me through the moment I arrived at her apartment. And even though it was half past two in the morning and I needed sleep more than anything, I still came by to be with her... I didn't think I was able to catch any sleep without her... Once I arrived on the third floor, I already saw her front door opening up and her head peaking out around the doorpost, looking at me... Nikki sounded upset on the phone but I never imagined what that must've felt like for her... I could see it in her face the moment I stood in front of her... Her eyes were soggy and red from all crying she did... Her voice sounded hoarse the moment she quietly uttered those words... 'I'm so glad you came back...' 'Of course...' 'I thought I might... That, uhm... I just...' 'It's okay, c'mere...'

Nikki clenched her arms around me as I caressed her hair and gave her a kiss on her forehead... I closed my eyes and even though I had mixed feelings about it, I didn't try to give in to that one thought that's been haunting me ever since Terry's confession... Still, looking at Nikki made me see her differently ever since... It made me realize that she might not be who I thought she was... Whatever happened with her and whatever that was on her mind was now tearing her apart... And even though I wanted to believe that she had no part in whatever was happening between us, I knew all too well that Nikki was just as responsible as I was... The only difference however, was that I sacrificed everything for her while she never had to make one in the first place... Nevertheless, I went inside, thinking that everything could be better...

Once I sat down on the couch, Nikki went to the kitchen to make some tea while I tried to figure out how I was going to tell everything that has already been said, once more... And something told me that I was just going to repeat myself again... Once Nikki came back and sat next to me on the sofa, she wasn't looking at me but stared down on the carpet instead while she was slowly stirring her cup of tea... "Okay, sooo... What's next...?" I honestly didn't know... But I still wanted her to know how I felt about everything I had with her back then, even if it would mean that I had to repeat myself once more... So I gently nudged her chin up and made her face me... Nevertheless, she still averted her eyes, as if she was very ashamed of something... 'Are you mad at me, Ceylan...?' 'No, of course not...' 'Why'd you came back for me...?' 'Why would you even ask me something like that...? You know why...' 'Heh...' 'Nic, you ask me so many questions and I've always answered all of them truthfully... Why can't you...?' 'I just don't know the answers to those questions you have for me...' 'Like what, for example...?' 'I-I know you have expectations from me as my girlfriend... But, uhm... I don't know how to handle that...' 'What do you mean...?' 'It's always been so easy for you... I know you've been with other girls before and... I-It makes me feel as if... as if I'm... Well... as if I can't meet your expectations...' 'Oh... Is that what makes you so insecure...?' 'Yes... I've never had a relationship before and then all of a sudden, you came in my life... It's something I've always wanted to have... To be with someone as beautiful as you are... It makes me feel as if I'm way out of my league and yet here you are... It's confusing...' 'Is that why you look at yourself like that in the mirror...?' 'Sometimes I just look at myself and wished I could change everything about myself...' 'What do you mean with that...?'

Did she honestly believe that she's ugly...? Well, she didn't tell me but she gave me the impression that she thought she was ugly... I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing from her... I remember that I sometimes saw her staring at herself in the mirror... Sometimes at night, whenever she thought I was asleep, I was watching how she looked at her reflection in the mirror... I saw her reaction whenever she did... I've never saw anyone looking so displeased and disgusted at their own reflection... Whispering in her ear of how gorgeous she is and feeling every curve of her body didn't make her realize of how beautiful she really is... Whenever we were walking in a public place, Nikki turned more heads of guys who were staring at her... It made me think what gave her the impression that she's ugly... I mean, it's bullshit... I know that but she obviously didn't... But perhaps there was more to it... Nikki is easily intimated by others... And perhaps she felt intimidated by being in the spotlights like that, giving her the wrong impression... When you have a certain impression of something, you're not so easily talked out from it... And maybe I was the one who intimidated her instead, unintentionally... But more importantly, who ever gave her that idea...? And why...? 'It makes me feel as if I don't deserve you...' 'You know that's not true, Nic... It doesn't work that way... Not with me... That's not how I see it...' 'What do you mean...?' 'I just like you for who you are and I love the way you look... I love how we used to hang out with each other and you always made me laugh... Made me forget about all the worries I had...' 'Heh...' 'But ever since we're together, you've changed so much that I barely recognize you... You're not like this, Nic...' 'I-I know...' 'And I just want to know why...' 'Heh...'

I expected her to speak up her mind but it stayed silent for a while instead... Nikki placed her cup of tea on the table and curved herself up like a ball as she leaned against me... I placed an arm around her shoulder and kissed her forehead when I held her so close... The scent of the coconut wax she uses in her hair... I loved the smell of it... And just as I was drifting away, I got snapped out of it when I felt she was caressing my stomach... I loved it... I really did... And all of a sudden, I felt that her hand was reaching down my jeans, inside my panties... I can honestly say that I was startled by that yet I had a smile on my face the moment she did... But when I looked back at her, I saw the look in her eyes... That same hesitation in her eyes... Nikki didn't felt comfortable at all for doing that... Perhaps she felt that certain pressure again... Meeting certain expectations she wasn't just ready to give in yet... Perhaps I was the one who forced her to, knowing what I would expect from her... Nevertheless, she still did, even though she wasn't too keen on doing it... I wanted her to... But not like this... Not when she wasn't ready for it... I could've taken advantage of the situation like that... I could've told her what I wanted the most from her, to force my expectations on her... But I simply couldn't do that to her... Not when she was so insecure about herself that evening... 'Nic... You don't have to...' 'I-It's what you wanted right...?' 'Yes... But is it something you want...?' 'Heh...'

Hearing her reaction was enough for me to know... So I took her hand and moved it out of my jeans... She wasn't looking at me anymore after that... I thought it was clear by now that I didn't want my relationship with her was based on sex... But apparently, she still thought differently... I didn't know anymore what to say or to do to make her realize that... To make her see things through my eyes for once... All these talks we had led to that one moment where she thought I wanted to have sex with her... Nikki just didn't see that I wanted so much more from her... And it really hurt me because it made me feel as if I meant nothing else to her... But maybe this really was all my fault... For giving off the wrong signals in the end... And of course intimacy is something I value in a relationship but not like this... Not when it made me feel as if that's all I am... A fuck-toy that can be cast aside whenever you're done with it... That night, it made me realize that it's all I've ever been... Nothing more, nothing less... Maybe I've simply been too naïve to have seen it... I expected more from Nikki, with all her talks about love, romance and her dreams... Maybe she was living in a fantasy world, just like I did, where everything is perfect... Maybe Nikki just didn't want to see the reality and wanted to believe that everything was how she always imagined it would be... Nevertheless, she held my hand afterwards... But for the very first time, I wasn't feeling the butterflies in my stomach anymore... Just felt empty, knowing what I really meant to her... So I didn't know how I felt that night... I wanted to leave but at the same time, I didn't... I don't know why I didn't just left... But I guess being in love with someone makes you do things that go at the expense of yourself... And maybe I chose to be used by her, just so that she would stay with me... And so I stayed... It didn't take long before we went to bed...

My back was facing her throughout the night when I was in bed with her... I wasn't able to fall asleep when so many things went through my mind... I could hear Nikki sighing next to me and felt that she kept turning over in bed... I saw the minutes ticking away on the alarm clock on her nightstand... Every once in a while, I closed my eyes in an attempt to fall asleep... And just when I finally felt myself drifting off, I felt that Nikki moved closer to me... She placed an arm around my stomach and felt that she gently pecked my shoulder... Maybe she thought that I was asleep... Nevertheless, I didn't respond... I just kept still... Even when she gently started to caress her feet against mine... It went on for a while until I felt her hand drifting off to my chest... Her hand started to fondle my breast, followed by a squeeze every once in a while... And even though I was wearing a bra, I could still feel it the moment her fingertips were making circular motions on my nipple... I could hear her breathing... As if touching me in my sleep turned her on or something... My heart skipped a beat the moment I felt her hand going between my legs instead... I couldn't breathe when I felt her hand slipping inside my panties... I couldn't move and simply froze up when I felt that she was touching me... I got reminded of something that I tried to forget for so many years... From all the people I trusted the most, she was the one who did that to me... It made me feel scared... Dirty... Violated... But wasn't that how it always was supposed to go...? To please others at the expense of yourself...? A lot of things happened over the years that made me doubt... And it took a very long time for me to find out the difference between love and sex... So many things said and done... So many lies that came before... Everything I thought I had straightened out for myself over the years... I saw it happening all over again... All the things I fought so hard for to accomplish... Gone... The tears were rolling over my face the moment she was touching me... But I guess she didn't even noticed... She was too busy thinking of herself instead...

The tears kept coming long after she fell asleep... That night, I felt violated by her... Ashamed... Even though its been so many years, it still hurts whenever I remember... All night long, I was too scared to fall asleep... I turned over in bed and watched how Nikki was asleep... She seemed so peaceful... I looked at her as if she was complete stranger all of a sudden... For hours I was turning over in bed in an attempt to forget that it ever happened... But it was all I could think of... Even when the sun was coming up... Feeling absolutely shattered caused by the lack of sleep... When I sat upright on the edge of her bed, I looked at Nikki and realized that it couldn't go on like this anymore... Especially after what she did... But the moment she woke up and smiled at me, I still had those mixed feelings... I needed time to think... And I wasn't able to do that in her presence... There was no need for me to tell her that... Nikki wouldn't understand, like with most things I ever tried to explain to her... I always tried to whenever I felt the need to express my feelings... But after what happened that night, I wasn't able to explain her how I felt... I couldn't even look her in the eyes after feeling so ashamed... So I didn't... All I said was that I had to go home... She offered me breakfast but I declined... The moment I said goodbye to her and still kissed her never made me feel so disgusting in my entire life before... As if it was some kind of an approval for the things she did... Knowing what I really meant to her and still give in to that... But that's just what you do whenever your in love with someone... It goes at the expense of yourself... It always has been... And it will never change...

Nikki contradicted herself so many times without her knowing... She couldn't give in to my desires and my needs and yet she touched me... Nikki wasn't thinking of me when she did... She was only thinking of herself... If she'd really care for who I was, she would've give in to my desires... But after everything that happened wit her, I had the feeling that nothing was ever sincere with her... Intimacy is very important to me... It's always been very emotional for me... It's a way to express myself whenever I can't find the right words what someone means to me... But all I ever asked from her was some affection of which I deemed myself worthy... Something sincere... Me being such a needy girl didn't help at all... Nikki thought that the only way for her to show affection to me was through sex... And that's exactly the kind of affection that I didn't want from her... There's a difference between sex and intimacy, you know... Something told me that Nikki didn't quite understand the difference between those two... I wanted to be loved by her for who I am... Not for how I look like or for what I have to offer... I gave myself to her in every way imaginable... But she never gave things back to me in return... It were the simple little things that let me know that I'm being loved... Simple things like a hug or a kiss... Or even a smile... But even that was too much to have asked for... Being touched like that while I was asleep not only made me feel violated and ashamed, but also made me feel that I was being used once more... From the person I never expected it from... That she only kept me around for the sex... A fuck-toy, if you will, meant to be cast aside whenever you don't need it while I wanted to be so much more to her... It really hurt when she gave me the impression that I meant nothing else to her... Did people really wanted to have sex with me so bad that they'd be willing to break down that metaphoric wall I build for them...? To put them through a lot of bullshit, just to see if they'd care enough about me as a person...? Maybe they always saw through that... Maybe they always saw those vulnerabilities and only waited for the right moment to strike, when I trusted them the most... I'm not naïve... Or at least, that's what I wanted to believe after everything that ever happened to me... It caused me a lot of grieve and yet a lot of things changed for me over the years... But one thing never did... It always happened at the expense of myself...