FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Episode One

Narrator (Magnus's voice): Oh, Hello! I'm Magnus Crawford. Like most 25 year olds living at home with my parents and siblings family togetherness just isn't what it used to be. Yes, I love my parents dearly. Yes, I love my brothers and sister too. And sure, living with my parents through college saved me a bundle and I never had to deal with roommates and rent while studying, but....well, take my parents for instance. Since I graduated they've suddenly become completely technologically inept.

Mom: (yelling loudly) Magnus! How do I turn on the internet!

Magnus: (In a monotone, exasperated voice) Mom, you can not turn the internet on and off. The computer is plugged directly into the Ethernet jack. It never turns off.

Dad: (yelling loudly) Magnus! I need to clear my browser cache! How do I do that?

Magnus: (still exasperated) Coming dad.....

Mom: (still yelling) Magnus! It says I turned on Sticky Keys! What is that? Will it wipe the hard drive? Last time I turned something on it wiped the hard drive.

Dad: (still yelling) Magnus! What have you been doing with the computer! It says Windows had been committing illegal actions! If you get arrested for this I'm not bailing you out.

Narrator: So my parents grasp of the intricacies of Windows isn't that great. So what? It wouldn't be that bad if it was their only problem. But they've also begun to act a lot.....barmier than they usuall.

Mom: Magnus, have you seen my purse?

Magnus: It is on your shoulder mother.

Mom: Ooooh.....but do you know where my glasses are?

Magnus: On your forehead mother.

Mom: Ooooh....

Dad: Magnus, have you seen my socks? I can't find them anywhere!

Magnus: Your socks are in your shoes dad.

Dad: Yeah, but where I my shoes?

Magnus: On your feet dad.

Dad: Ooooh.......

Magnus: Please put your pants on before leaving the house dad.

Dad: Ooooh. Yeah, I'll do that too.

Narrator: I hadn't expected to begin to handle the slow mental degeneration of my parents until they were well into their eighties and beginning to drool into their own laps! And disgusting physical problems weren't supposed to show up until around that same time as well.

Mom: Magnus!? You're gonna have to take your brother to work again today. I have to use the van to take your dad to his colonoscopy!

Narrator: And a general lack of common interests in life rounds out the conflict.

Mom: No, don't change the channel! We were watching a Mork and Mindy rerun marathon on TVLand!

Dad: (singing a dreadful rendition of Journey's Don't Stop Believing) Don't stop!....Believin'!....Hold on to the feelin'! Don't stop!....Believin'!

Narrator: At first I thought I could rely on my siblings for help and support, but I had another thing coming. They are about as useless right now as old free sign up CDs! Because somewhere during all that time I spent on homework and research papers they had all....changed. Even more so than my parents. Gone were the little grade school children I would help with homework and who thought I was a frickin' genius and idolized me as the perfect model of an elder brother. Somehow, they have all reached adolescence, and puberty now reeks havoc throughout the house!

Sister: I hate you! I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HATE YOU!!!! (Door slam)

Brother 1: I bet all the other serfs get to stay out past 9 on weekdays.

Dad: No, as long as you live under my roof you are not getting your tongue pierced!

Brother 2: (In a dull, groaning voice) You're guys are so lame!

Mom: Now just where did you get that hickey young lady!?

Sister: AUGGGGGH! (Door slam)

(Loud metal music plays in the background)

Dad: For God's sake, turn that crap down!

Narrator: Good Lord, was I ever that much trouble during that age? Of course not! How did my family, once so loving and peaceful, turn into a collection of broad comedic set pieces!? It's like my life suddenly transformed into a cut rate family comedy film somewhere between taking finals and graduation. This stuff isn't even that funny up on the silver screen. (Sighs long and loudly) I really couldn't take it anymore; all the aching, groaning, whining and fighting. I needed a life of my own. It was time to break away, to get my own place! So I grabbed the classifieds from my dad's newspaper to look for vacancies. Instead I got the biggest shock of my life.

(Sound of newspaper rustling)

Dad: Hey, I was reading that.

Magnus: I just need the classifieds dad.

Dad: Really? What are you looking for?

Magnus: Apartments.

Dad: Hey, wait a minute. I really don't think you should look at that....

Magnus: (Humorous tone) Why not? It's not like I can't take care of myself. I've been making dinner for everyone every other day for the last month, when mom has been out with you at the chiropractor, getting your joints realigned.

Dad: No, it's not that. I know you can live on your own, it's just that I don't think you're ready for the one big thing you don't expect....

Magnus: Really dad, I have to get out of the house!

Dad: Son, listen to me. If you don't take this slowly you could really get hurt!

Mom: Is Magnus talking about getting an apartment???

Magnus: Yeeeess....

Mom: (tries to snatch paper) Honey, you really shouldn't be looking for those right now!

Magnus: And just why not? What is going on with you two?

Mom: Honey, I promise if you look in the classifieds you will get a nasty surprise.

Dad: Son, please, you really aren't ready for this!

Magnus: (Sounding suspicious) I'm trying to move out dad, not have premarital sex.

Dad: What your up against is a lot worse!

Mom: Magnus, please! Listen to your father!

Magnus: All right, you're both acting like I brought home some bar chick, told you she was pregnant and announced my intention to marry her! What is your problem!? (Sounds of paper opening)

Mom: Oh, Magnus, please don't do this! I can't bear to see you suffer!

Dad: We love you son! Please put down the paper and come back to us!

Magnus: Look. I don't know what you both have been smoking or shooting but you are not stopping me from viewing the classifieds. I thought you wanted me to become independent and successful. Wasn't that the point of having a child? To get it out of the house? I swear, this is the craziest you two have acted yet!

(Opens the paper. Magnus makes a high pitched, squeaky sound.)

Dad: Oh no he did it...(moans)

Mom: No, not my little boy....(makes sobbing sounds)

Magnus: SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH! FOR A MEASLY STUDIO APARTMENT!? WITH A FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR DOWN PAYMENT AND PROOF OF FIRST MONTH'S RENT!!!? ARE THEY CRAZY!!!? HOW CAN I EVER AFFORD THAT!!!!!!?

Dad: That's as much as our mortgage payments cost.

Mom: We tired to tell you! But you wouldn't listen!

Magnus: Ow. Ow! OW! OWOWOW!

Dad: Oh no, he's got them.

Mom: If only you had listened!

Magnus: OW! What's is this! Something's hurting!

Dad: Your having cramps son.

Magnus: What kind of cramps are these! They aren't even in my body! They're...

(Clothes rustling)

Magnus: They're...in my wallet!

Dad: (Sob) It's your first wallet cramp Magnus.

Mom: Why do they have to make you grow up so fast!

(Magnus begins to sob)

Mom: Oh honey!

Magnus: (While crying) You were right dad! I wasn't ready! Not for those kinds of bills! I didn't know! I didn't know!

Dad: We all must become lowly rent payers some day son.

Mom: Oh poor baby, mommy's here.

Mangus: (paper rustles) If I pay them 800, they'll actually give me running water.

Dad: I know son...I know.

Narrator: Excessive rent. It is a burden that the youth of the world should never have to bear. I had officially entered the realm of adulthood where paychecks are but a fleeting pleasure and somebody called FICA keeps stealing your financial dreams. At that point I pretty much gave up on getting out of the house. I'd have to wait until I became a regional manager or something and made 90,000 a year. You pretty much had to be upper class just to live lower class as a young adult. I resigned myself to having to live with all the whining, groaning and aching until I was 30.

Dad: Ohhhhhh! Dang it, Mangus! I threw my back out again! Come put your foot on my back!

Mom: Dumb trifocals! Magnus, can you come read my prescription bottle for me?

Sister: And why can't I wear a halter top to school!? Debbie's parents let her do it all the time! AAUGGGHH! (Door slam).

Narrator: Salvation finally came in the form of my younger brother, when I was once again chauffeuring him from place to place while my father had yet another proctology appointment.

Sounds of a car engine.

Brother 1: Rough night last night.

Magnus: If I have to listen to my sister weep about her boyfriend until two in the morning again.....

Brother 1: Yeah, Fred's a tool. All he wants is her body.

Magnus: Yes, but all she wants is his body, so they compliment each other! It's a match made in heaven! They'll never actually call it quits.

Brother 1: How many break ups are up to now?

Magnus: Seven in two weeks.

Brother 1: You actually think you didn't act the same way in high school?

Magnus: No, I didn't!

Brother 1: Ha ha, you were always the weird kid.

Magnus: More like I'm the only sane one in the house! I'm the only one who isn't crying, fighting, loafing, groaning, creaking or misplacing my own legs!

Brother 1: He he. Well, I happened to be thinking of you last time I was in the gas station and I saw something on the bulletin board in there that you might actually be interested in.

Magnus: No, I'm not buying you that 1973 Gibson you found....

Brother 1: Nope, it's a room.

Sounds of a paper being handed over. Mangus reads quietly for a few seconds.

Magnus: Vacancy....a single bedroom with plenty of space....FOR 200 DOLLARS A MONTH!!!!! HALELUIAH!!!!

Brother 1: Don't let go of the wheel!

Tires squeal and a crash sound

Narrator: I had to pay for the car being towed as well as the mailbox I destroyed and life was tough through while the bumper and headlights were being replaced, but I didn't care! I was free! The possibility of finally getting out of the family circus made all that extra walking worth while!

The tow truck driver was kind enough to give me a lift back home. Once there I called up the number on the flyer and set up an appointment to meet with the landlord right away. I admit I was far too excited because I easily glossed over a lot of important information the first time I read it. Mom and Dad brought be back to earth and made sure I understood all the important details.

Mom: All right, you really need to read this through carefully. I know your excited but you don't know what your walking into.

Dad: It's best if you also find out what the roommates are like first. Don't sign anything until you've talked thoroughly with everyone you'll be living with and your land lord.

Magnus: Believe me, I don't care! Anything to get away from my creaky, groaning, grouchy, bellicose.......

Mom and Dad: Excuse me?

Magnus:.....uh, I mean, loving, caring, beautiful, not at all crotchety parents!

Mom: I hope you don't have problems with your brothers and sister.

Sister: BWAHHHAHAHAHA! MY LIFE IS OVER! WHY GO ON WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE! (Door slam)

Magnus: Why no, I do not have a problem with my brothers and sister.

Mom: That's eight break ups with Fred now in the last two weeks. A new record!

Dad: Just read and find out what the flier says.

Magnus: All right. Vacancy open at a Murry Hills Suits and Apartments. (checks address) That's weird, it's not even located in a place called Murry. Anyway, the place has one large living room with attached kitchen. All the rooms are clustered around the main room and kitchen and connected to it with side hallways. The room available is a double. I will be sharing it with some one but they promise extra bathroom privacy because they actually have four full bathrooms in that one apartment!

Dad; Wow, they take care of you in there! I had share one toilet and shower with six other filthy pricks in my first apartment.

Magnus: Eww, disgusting. So there are eight people in there all ready, so at most I might end up sharing a bathroom with three other people. It seems they tried to give each room it's own bathroom. The place has free wifi and satellite. Good news for the nerds who live there. And monthly drain cleaning and animal hair removal are provided.

Mom: I guess that's nice things to have if they allow pets.

Magnus: It doesn't say they allow pets but they do say I must be good with animals and not have any pet allergies.

Dad: Well, you never had any problems with the cat. You just puff up at the slightest mosquito bite.

Magnus: They do have a pool and hot tub.

Mom: These people will spoil you. I was lucky if the lawns outside my first place were watered during the summer.

Magnus: Predation is allowed.

Dad: Huh???

Mom: What does that mean?

Magnus: I haven't the slightest clue. It also says that mating dances and courtship rituals are only allowed at designated times and areas.

Dad: Okay....

Magnus: But look at the rates. Not only will I not have to share a bathroom with only one two other people I get hot and cold water and air conditioning and heating. All for 200 dollars a month. And look at this, they're just desperate to reel me in. They say "Murry Hills is dedicated to making your experience with us superior to all others you may have had. We believe bachelor and young couple life shouldn't be defined by hardship and discomfort. If you want a happy, warm, cuddly environment to live in we are your kind of people. We hope you will join our fuzzy family today."

Dad: Warm and cuddly? Okay, these people just sound weird.

Mom: Magnus, you know you hate cuddling.

Magnus: We have no idea what they meant by that. Anyway, wouldn't they be slapped with a million different sexual harassment suits if they actually cuddled you once they got there?

Dad: Just make sure you ask all the right questions when you meet the lan lord and spend some time with your roommates before committing.

Magnus: All right dad. But seriously, if I can stand buying your suppositories and Fleet Enemas in public....

Dad: Ahem....

Magnus: Noooot that I have a problem with that, Anyway, what I am saying is that I am sure I can take whatever these people can dish out.

Narrator: And so in a weeks time I was parked in my car outside of Murry Hills Apartments. Remembering that if something sounded like it was too good to be true it probably was, I was on the lookout for anything even slightly wrong. No disguised fee or cleverly hidden disrepair was going to be too small to escape my radar like senses. The place did do a pretty good job of impressing me just at first glance. The paint wasn't peeling. The siding wasn't rusted. Even the landscaping was good. Not the dried out, ghetto style lawns covered in trash you usually see. That special bachelor pad stench of death wasn't present either. Even the main offices were at the front right by the gates rather than buried somewhere in the middle of everything or hidden way out in the back. But I remained suspicious. Primarily because once I had waked inside the complex I realized that nobody was around. The entire place was dead quiet; not even crickets chirping. I expected to at least hear music playing or a TV, or maybe someone walking out to their car. But no one was around. An eerie silence followed me as I knocked on the landlord's office door, like in an episode of the Twilight Zone. My fears also weren't helped by the fact that the landlord looked and sounded a lot like Christopher Walken.

Landlord (Christopher Walken): Really, kid, I have never met somebody I want living in my apartments more than you.

Magnus: Well, thank you.

Landlord: Absolutely, there are other housing professionals who would kill to have some one as disciplined and organized as you. You don't party hard, you won't leave junk all over your living space, you don't shed on the furniture. You are one in a million to us!

Magnus: Um, You're too kind.

Landlord: I mean, some of my tenants, they're vicious animals! They'll swipe you with their claws, right in the face.

Magnus: I can imagine.

Landlord: And some of them have feet like hooves! They'll kick you right in the face!

Magnus: Hooves?

Landlord: You really can not imagine the great pleasure it will be just to have you live with me.

Magnus: Okay....

Landlord: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more tenants like you.

Narrator: He was certainly infatuated with me. What I couldn't get was why he was so excited I didn't shed on the furniture. Did he have a lot of pets owners here?

Landlord: I say we just skip the formalities, sign you on right now and you make me a happy man.

Narrator: All right, he wasn't going to flatter me into not seeing where I was living and who I was going to live with!

Magnus: Sorry, but I would really like to see this apartment before I sign onto the deal.

Landlord: Why mess up this wonderful feeling we are having together by doing something like that? You'll have a bed all to yourself, your old and nutty family will be gone, and you'll even have your own bathroom. You don't have to share a bathroom!

Magnus: Noooo, I will be sharing that bedroom with one other person, and the bathroom with at least him.

Landlord: What's the big diff? Look, if I absolutely must, I can move the other guy into another space.

Magnus: You'd uproot my would be roommate and move him just to make sure I'll sign that contract?

Landlord: Believe me, truly, from the bottom of my heart, I will do anything to get you. I'd crawl a mile over broken glass just to have you move in with me.

Magnus: With my room mate you mean? Whom I still wish to meet today.

Landlord: Today?

Magnus: Yes.

Landlord: This very day?

Magnus: Exactly.

Landlord: (Slyly) Why not after you sign the contract?

Magnus: Doing that wouldn't be very helpful to me would it?

Landlord: Why not give yourself a little adventure?

Magnus: I don't want an adventure where roommates are concerned.

Landlord: What if I swore on my mother's grave that you'd love your new roommates?

Magnus: No good. I've known too many people from Queens.

Landlord: Look, I don't want to loose this. Don't you feel this....connection we have? It's like this potential relationship between us....it's destiny! How can we fight it?

Magnus: What is it that you don't want me to know?

Landlord: You want to contaminate our relationship of destiny with mistrust?

Magnus: You're trying to hide something and failing very badly at it.

Landlord: You're doing this to your new best friend?

Magnus: We could be married in a civil union and I'd still want to see the room and meet the roommates.

Landlord: You cut me to the quick.

Magnus: I don't care. There is obviously something wrong with this room and you want to hide it. For all I know hundreds of people have come to see this room and run screaming into the street.

Landlord: Hey, you shut your hole! Don't you dare diss my apartments. Only ten people have said no to this room so far.

Magnus: Aha! So there is something wrong with it!

Landlord: You tricked me!

Magnus: So are you going to spill it?

Landlord: Don't push me....

Magnus: This is a deal breaker.

Landlord: I begging you, man.

Magnus: Your loosing me right here.

Landlord: But I need you!

Magnus: I'm walking out that door right now!

Landlord: Oh jeeze....ALL RIGHT!

Mangus: Yes?

Landlord: Do you REALLY have to meet your roommates?

Magnus: Are they the problem you're hiding?

Landlord: Um..yes. I mean no. Maybe. They're great people. Great people. It's just...

Magnus: Just what?

Landlord: It's just I don't think they might be your type of people.

Magnus: That answers nothing.

Landlord: Look, I'm in a real jam. These people need another person to help pay their rent. If they don't get another person each one's rent share goes up. They can't afford that. If you don't join up I loose all their business.

Magnus: But you all ready have gone through ten potential tenants. What did they do to scare them off like that? How long did those ten people manage to live here anyway?

Landlord: (Tired and weary) None of even stayed past meeting them...ooooh, I shouldn't have said that.

Magnus: (Darkly) I see.

Landlord: Oh, what the heck. No one else has stayed, why should you? What harm could it do? Look, Magnus, if you really want to meet these guys, than all right, I'll take you to meet them. Just promise me one thing. Try not to freak out too much when you meet them.

Magnus: Okay....

Landlord: The last guy who came in peed his pants.

Narrator: With that encouraging revelation the landlord lead me out of the office and toward apartment 399. As we walked along the eerie silence I noticed before prevailed everywhere we went. It was like we were walking in a ghost town. I was about to ask Mr. Walken about this when I noticed strange, carpet covered poles sticking out of the ground in most of the open green areas.

Magnus: Um, Sir? What are these things for?

Landlord: Those are scratching posts.

Magnus: Scratching posts?

Landlord: Scratching posts. Gotta have them to keep the tenants from clawing the trees.

Magnus: Um, why would they want to claw the trees?

Landlord: You'll find out.

Narrator: The place was getting weirder and weirder with every step I took. Yet weird in a well kept, clean kind of way that still made it attractive. I managed to convince myself that if I didn't have to live in filth and squalor I could take all the weirdness the place might have. I was about to be proved wrong in the most traumatic and personally violating way possible.

Landlord: Okay, listen up Magnus. I want to make it clear that I am not liable for any personal injuries or psychological scarring that occurs during this interview. You came here of your own free will and desire so you can't touch me. The courts here respects oral contracts.

Magnus: Let the record show I refuse to agree to such shady contractual terms!

Landlord: Shush, shush, shush, shush! Don't be loud or she might know your here! Do you actually want those personal injuries I mentioned?

Sound of a door being knocked lightly. Lots of barking, hissing and chittering erupts from behind.

Magnus: (Loudly) How should I know? You haven't told me the first thing about....

Landlord: Too late! She knows!

Narrator: Before I could demand just what was going on the front door flew open and a white, fluffy object came flying straight at my throat!

Nezrai Koda (Hereafter referred to as Nezy): NEW PERSON!!!!

Magnus: (Shrieks like a little girl) AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Sound of Magnus hitting the floor.

Landlord: Nezy, no! Please!

Nezy: (Nuzzles Magnus over) I'm so happy to meet you!!!! Are you are the new roomee?!!!! Yay!!!! I know we're going to be the bestest friends and do everything together!

Landlord: Oh jeeze...please, Nezy! This is exactly what scared off number seven!

Nezy: High Mr. Walken! I thought you swore you weren't going to bring the next guy in to the apartment! Do you think we can all come out now? It was kind of mean telling us we all had to stay inside for the next three hours while you talked to him.

Narrator: The white, fluffy object laying on my chest was preventing me from breathing but I managed to splutter out loud at that revelation.

Landlord: Nezy! You're crushing him Nezy! Just get off his chest woman!

Narrator: As I gathered my wits and my vision swam back into focus the image of a small, white, pointy eared creature with a long muzzle came into view. It had it's arms wrapped tight around my neck and was smiling like she had just gotten the best Christmas present of her life. Her wide grin revealed many sharp, white, pointy teeth that were just inches from my neck. If I had been able to breath I would have sucked all my breath in right now.

Nezy: My name's Nezy! What's yours?

Narrator: The strange creature asked.

Magnus: Oh....My....

Landlord: Nezy, your scaring him to death! El! Get out here and control your wife, mate, whatever she is!

Narrator: If Landlord Christopher Walken wanted to keep all his tenants hidden from me his plans were quickly unraveling. To the left and right of me other apartment doors were opening and people were coming out to see what the commotion was all about. Except they weren't really....people. I could see wolves, dogs, orange furred foxes, and at least one person who had to be a dolphin. They had claws and pads on their hands and noses that sniffed and ears that twitched. It was without a shadow of a doubt the strangest thing I had ever seen in my entire life.

Heavy paw-falls coming

Narrator: I gazed about in a breathless state until the weight on me was suddenly lifted. The next thing I knew I was being hoisted on my feet and the landlord was dusting me off with the fussing of some one desperate to keep a potential buyer around.

Landlord: I am so sorry. I should have told you from the beginning. They're furries. You will be rooming with furries, but if you just give them a little bit of a chance and not run away screaming just yet I think you will find....hey, are you okay?

Narrator: My head was full of cotton balls and my skin was crawling with a million invisible ants. I looked like I had just come back from tequila shots.

Magnus: No amount of therapy will ever make this moment okay!

Landlord: That's okay! Just promise me you won't press charges and that you will at least see the room!

Magnus: AHHHHHH!

Narrator: I had turned around and suddenly got a glimpse of a sleek, shiny pelt and even more sharp, pointy teeth as it held onto the white, pointy eared creature with it's paws.

Elias (or El): I'm so sorry about that. Though I guess it was inevitable. She's done this to every one of the potential roomees we've seen so far.

Narrator: It was a cat. A really, really, really big cat. A snow leopard to be exact, with a kind of mullet of silver fur going down his neck. He was a real dandy, walking around in a pinstripe vest and a big, blue cashmere scarf. But all I could look at were those big pearly spears sticking out from his upper lip.

Magnus: My, what big teeth you have!

El: Um, thanks? I'm Elias Sephir and the one who pounced you is my mate, Nezrai.

Magnus: (Breathless) Oh. Really?

Landlord: (In a hurried voice) Yeah, Magnus this is Elias. Elias, Magnus. Nezzy is the one who knocked you over, I'm sure you get the picture, right Magnus?

El: Is he okay? She knocked him over pretty hard. He looks like he really needs to sit down or something.

Magnus: (In a tremulous voice) Oh no, sir, I'm fine.

Landlord: Of course he's fine. Why wouldn't he be fine? What he needs is to get inside so he can meet his new bunkmate and see his new place! Come on, get in! (Landlord pushes him into the room)

Sound of the front door closing.

Magnus: (In a whisper) They're furries!

Landlord: Yeah, and you can get used to them. You just have to give them time and I'm sure you'll love them! They're all fluffy and cuddly and wild and stuff.

Magnjus: (Hissed whisper) She pounced on me!

Landlord: You can get used to that too. Just tell me you don't have a problem with....

Kache: (Nuzzles Magnus all over) Ooooh, another buddy! Finally! The place hasn't been the same since our old roomee got married and left.

Magnus: (Makes a strange, gurgling noise in disgust) Auuughghhe!

Narrator: Another strange beast had me in it's grasp. Except this time I was getting caressed and patted all over like I was a giant stuffed animal! I could tell that this new fellow was a lot like a fuzzy stuffed animal himself as he had me clutched to his chest. His fur was bright brown, like a caramel Sunday and he had a thick mop of hair of the same color right on his head! And he just wouldn't stop bouncing on those giant feet of his! He kept hopping in place like I was the best person in the world he could have met that day.

Nezy: (hugs Magnus from behind) He's Magnus! Isn't he wonderful? I like him a lot more than others Mr. Walken brought. He hasn't yelled at me like they did.

Kache: And he likes cuddles! (Kache keeps feeling Magnus over) See? He isn't squirming like the others! Finally, a human with furry sensibilities.

Landlord: That's because he's paralyzed with fear and disgust you idiot!

Magnus: Blauahghghgh!

Landlord: Quit giving him a freaking body cavity search your moron!

Kache: But you told us to be friendly!

Landlord: I said to be friendly but not your kind of friendly! He doesn't need all that hugy furry stuff!

Elias: Hahahaha! I don't think this one is going to be staying either! Maybe you should just give up, let us all go and let the place out to a bunch of normal humans.

Landlord: Like I could get any human to set foot in this madhouse! Everyone! Just give Magnus some room!

Magnus: (Kache and Nezzy release him) Gaaaaah!

Landlord: Okay. Okay. All right. We had a rough start but if everyone would just keep their paws off of him for a while I think we can make this okay. Right Magnus? Please tell me I'm right Magnus!

Magnus: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Landlorad: (Vicious whisper) Oh no, your not gonna be sick today! Now listen! Like I told you, either you choose to stay here and I keep their business or you walk out and I loose their business and go into the red. It's as simple as that! Now get to enjoying yourself or I'll....

Magnus: The entire room is spinning around me!

Landlord: Keep telling yourself it's not that bad and it wont be. Just try it. It works for me!

Sounds of footsteps.

Landlord: Okay, now here is the living room! We have all the furniture you could ever want, no need to buy any yourself. The kitchen is totally furnished as well. See? We even have a giant cat tree in the corner if you....you know, if you ever feel like going all kitty-cat like all of a sudden, and we also have a hammock thing on the ceiling if you want to hang out with the squirrel boy!

Elias: He he. You should have heard how he was stretching the benefits of the place with number six!

Nezzy: I think we should feed him. Everyone likes food. We should fry up that gazelle carcass we got in the fridge! Humans like rare meat too, right?

Elias: I think he'd like my special hamburger recipe more.

Kache: Are you sure he doesn't like hugs? Hugs always makes me feel better. He looks like he has a permanent scowl on his face.

Landlord: What he needs is room to breath! Everyone just keep your distance! If you just do that, I just might be able to convince him to stay for at least a month!

Nezy: If we stay away how are we supposed to impress him?

Landlord: If you do managed stay away from him, fennec, even I'll be impressed!

Nezy: (Whines at the insult)

Kache: I'm surprised he stays around you so much Mr. Walken! You're so mean!

Elias: He's probably clinging to him for safety (chuckles).

Narrator: The group of three furs did mercifully stay behind and did not follow me and Mr. Walken into one of the adjoining hallways.

Landlord: I think they might actually leave you alone for a minute, Magnus.

Magnus: Did that guy with the big feet make the last one pee his pants?

Landlord: No, it wasn't him.

Yami: (Makes low growl sounds from a slightly open door)

Landlord: It was her.

Magnus: What is it now?

Yami: (Makes another growl).

Landlord: Oh Lord....

Magnus: What was that?

Landlord: I think that was the last pouncer who lives here.

Magnus: (Tremulous, hopeless voice) Oh no....

Yami: (Gives another louder growl)

Landlord: We just need to figure out where it's coming from and then slowly back away.

Magnus: I'm going to die.

Landlord: No, no one is going to die! Just don't make any sudden movements and show now fear.

Magnus: Thank you for your encouraging words!

Landlord: Keep your voice down! Panic is what she likes.

Yami: (Makes an even louder growl)

Magnus: (Shouts angrily) If I live through this I am going to sue you up one end and....

Landlord: Mangus! Don't make any loud noises!

Yami: SNARL!

Yami comes flying out of a dark doorway and lands right on Magnus. Sound of Magnus hitting the ground hard again.

Magnus: (Makes a howling sound of agony like he's being eaten alive, though he is not)

Yami: Dang it, I was hoping you'd get another bunny! There aren't enough guys in this apartment to hunt!

Landlord: (While rubbing temples) The other wolves don't need to stalk people as much as you do!

Magnus: (Wails) My life is passing before my eyes!

Yami: Well they're different. Midnite's an old fart and Marseth is way to nice. Of course they don't hunt. And the prey here are no better; Quinn is too fast to catch and Kache actually enjoys it. Couldn't you have found a deer fur at least?

Landlord: (In a pleading voice) Yami! The last one peed his pants when you jumped him! You're like a violent gang member who came out of the Canadian woods!

Yami: You can't resist the call of the wild.

Landlord: (Yelling) The last guy couldn't resist the call of nature because of you!

Magnus: (Makes more gasps, wails and gurgles)

Yami: Then tell him he needs to look and act less like prey if he doesn't want to be pounced. Look at him, he's all shaky and weak like a sick caribou.

Landlord: I don't care! Just no more pouncing Magnus!

Narrator: For the second time that day I was put back on my feet by a furry. And this one was a female wolf who looked all....well, badass. Her white fur stood out garishly from her black goth shirt and tripp pants. She even had jet black hair with a big red highlight to complete the picture. To top it off she was obviously buff and athletic.

Yami: So that's his name? Hey Magnus, I'm Yami. Sorry about the pounce. But a wolf has to hunt, humans have to.....well, do whatever humans do. Just act tougher and less whiny and I shouldn't think of you as something to eat.

Narrator: I had no words left so I kept quiet.

Landlord: (With sadness) Pack your bags, Yami. You might as well get ready to leave. It will be a miracle if he stays.

The sound of a door opening with big, heavy pawfalls.

Narrator: Suddenly a door opened and a mountain stepped out. It cast the entire hallway into shadow and made the room go cold. It was grey, black and white and looked like granite. I slowly looked up to it's summit, which turned out to actually be the face of another wolf. A huge, savage looking wolf. If at any point in this strange visit that I was sure going to die I was sure this was it.

Midnite: (growls in an annoyed way) So, Walken, is this one actually friendly?

Landlord: Oh yes sir, he is friendly. You won't find a more friendly human in all the world. Isn't that right Magnus?

Magnus: Oh yes! I'm friendly. I'm always friendly! I hope your friendly. Please be friendly. Let's all be friends!

Landlord: Well, I wouldn't say Midnite is friendly....

Midnite: (Gives off a gruff growl)

Landlord: Well, at least he won't be cuddling or pouncing you. The most he'll do is toss you across the room if you get on his nerves.

Magnus: (Whimpers)

Midnite: Just stay out of my way kid and I'll stay out of yours. Excuse me but I gotta eat.

Nezzy: I'm hungry too. Let's make your hamburgers El. Or at least cook that gazelle.

Kache: Dinner party!

Landlord: (Pushes Magnus along again) You are going to get to that room if it's the last thing I do!

Narrator: Christopher Walken shoved me across the floor until I reached a door on the left. He tore open the door and pointed very violently into the interior.

Landlord: There! There's your room! Isn't it wonderful! You've got your own closet over there, your own bed right there, separated from the other bed by your own little cubby hole right there, your roommate sleeps in the other bed in the other little cubby hole right there, your room mate Mar-mar is sitting at the desk right there, so that's your room! So get it there!

Narrator: Then he shoved me right onto Mar-mar's messy bed.

Marseth: Hey! What's the big idea!

Sound of Magnus going thump.

Landlord: All right! Mar-mar!

Marseth: For the last time, it's Marseth!

Landlord: I don't care Mar-mar! You are the last hope of this guy staying in this room with you! If you don't win with this one it's out on the streets for all of you! And probably bankruptcy for me! So whatever you do, don't mess this up!

Magnus: What was the meaning of....

Landlord: Shut up! You are now in your new room and you are going to like it! You will stay in here until you do! Now make smoochy smooch with Mar-mar!

Narrator: The last thing he said to everyone before he slammed the bedroom door was....

Landlord: Make him like you! But not in a hugging way!

Door slam

Narrator: And with that I was abandoned. Stranded in this room with yet another wolf, the Walken called Mar-mar, this one dark grey with bright blue stripes. His paws and arms were blue too, up to about the elbow. He was sitting at a desk and looking at me with those amber eyes like a tornado had deposited me in his room. I grabbed the nearest soft object and clutched it for comfort.

Marseth: So....who are you?

Magnus: M...m.....mu...muhmuhmuhMagnus.

Marsheth: Okay. Why are you on my bed?

Magnus: Your landlord pushed me on it.

Marseth: Okay. What do you think of our landlord?

Magnus: I think he should be in maximum security prison.

Marseth: He he. Yeah, we all kind of think he should. There's a rumor that he won this place from the original owner in a poker game. I miss the old landlord though. He was also a fur.

Magnus: How very interesting. Just how many dang wolves are in here?

Marseth: Just three. But I wish there were more. I like having a pack. So...do you like it here so far?

Magnus: It's a great place if you like being mauled, manhandled and hunted by wolves.

Marseht: Yeah, Yami is the only real hunter here. Is she why you look like you have shell shock?

Magnus: You could say that.

Marseth: Do you think you need a hug?

Magnus: Absolutely not!

Marseth: Um....

Magnus: I've all ready had enough paws on me for one day, thank you.

Quynn: He doesn't seem to have a problem hugging my tail though.

Magnus: YAAAAAH! (Magnus does a summersault over into the other bed)

Sounds of Magnus jumping onto the other bed in the room.

Narrator: I couldn't believe so many furs could be crammed into one apartment. Now I was sitting on them without knowing it! I had been holding onto the big fluffy tail of a brown squirrel who happened to dress like he was running with Robin Hood and his merry men. He had tight pants on and this green sleeveless vest. The look really suited him somehow, though I was too busy getting my heart rate to go down to tell him that.

Quinn: So you're the latest victim?

Magnus: I....I was hugging your tail!

Quynn: Don't worry, my tail is open for hugs. I daresay it's the fluffiest in the complex.

Magnus: I....do not...like to be touched!

Quynn: Ha ha! You made that pretty obvious. Both of us could hear your screams and sobs through the door. Don't worry about us two, we are the least huggy of everyone in here. Except for perhaps Midnite.

Magnus: What were you doing on that bed????

Quynn: Oh, I was just napping in here.

Magnus: Why????

Quynn: Kache. He keeps trying to snuggle with my tail as I sleep but that's when I need it all to myself. Marseth provided a small having for dozing out of his reach.

Sound of door opening.

Magnus: KEEP AWAY!!!!! I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE!!!! JUST KEEP....AWAY!!!!

Midnite: Hey guys, if you want dinner, we are frying up that gazelle carcass. Might as well make a night of it since we might all be leaving in a few days. And give that kid some Valium will ya?

Sound of door closing.

Marseth: Magnus? Are you all right?

Quynn: Mmmmh. The poor guy seems to be having an aneurism.

Magnus: How many of you are in here!?

Marseth: Eight right now, but not enough to yell about. This is a big apartment. It was designed to house a lot of friends at once.

Magnus: I am not your friend!

Quynn: Not for a lack of trying on our part.

Quinn scurries over and sits on the divider between Marseth and Magnus's beds.

Quynn: Hey, look, if I just hang my tail over him he starts squirming more!

Magnus: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Marseth: Quynn, don't do that!

Quynn: Why not? He's not staying anyway?

Marseth: Well how do you know that? He hasn't even said if he's staying or not.

Quynn: He doesn't half to tell us. He's done nothing but scream since he got here.

Marseth: I don't want to go looking for another apartment! Do you have to tease every single human that comes through our doors?

Quynn: When they are as uptight and prudish as this guy yes.

Sound of the bedroom door opening again.

Reks: Guys! What is all the shouting about? I can hear you all the way in my room.

Magnus: FOX!!!! (Almost climbs a wall)

Quynn: (Laughing hard) Oh my gosh, the kid moves faster than I can!

Narrator: Now things had gone from very weird and rather violating to a serious health risk. If there was any furry species I was truly prejudiced against it was foxes, due to a rather....unpleasant relationship I had with one in high school. I swore in my wrath I would never get close to them again as long as I lived, and now a bloody red fox had me cornered in this tiny bedroom! Oh, why did they always dress so hipster and emo! They guy had looping caligraphy tattooed right into his arm and face fur somehow. And his hair was a mess of green, blue and blond streaks. I vaguely wondered where his glowsticks were.

Reks: Yeah....I'm a fox.

Magnus: KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.

Reks: This isn't your new roommate, is he Marseth?

Marseth: He isn't yet, but I'm starting to think it might be better to get a new apartment than live with him.

Quynn: Yep, he's crazy.

Magnus: I think I am going to slowly slide along the wall toward the door, and leave you to your troubles.

Reks: Hey, um....

Marseth: Magnus.

Reks: Magnus, you don't have to leave right now. I'm sure we are probably like aliens to you but we are really very nice. At least I am. I'm Reks. (extends his paw in greeting.)

Magus: You stay away from me!

Reks: What do you think I'm going to do to you?

Magnus: What do I think you are going to do to me? I've been pounced and molested by every single person who lives here! (He starts sliding along the wall)

Reks: Oh, that's just Yami and Nezy being themselves. Yami is a hunter and Nezy is just a spaz. We don't really want to eat you.

Magnus: I'm expecting you to do a lot worse to me!

Reks: Magnus, you're acting like a caged animal.

Magnus: That is exactly they way I'd describe my position!

Reks: Don't you want to talk about why you feel that way? I'm really good at listening. I think if you'd talk for a bit you might feel better.

Magnus: How can I listen when you have your filthy paws all over me!

Reks: Magnus, you are over reacting....

Magnus: (Makes ninja moves) No touchy! No touchy! No touch.

Marseth: Magnus, we don't want to touch you!

Magnus: Yeah, right!

Quynn: He's gone totally bonkers.

Magnus: I'm telling you all now, I am not going to be raped by all you huggy, murry, cuddly monsters! I've never been lovey-dovey and I don't intend to start now! So deal with it! You'll never take me alive!!!!

Magnus wrenches the door open.

Narrator: I pelted out of that dreadful room full of fuzzy critters and made a mad dash for the door. I wasn't even going to bother telling Christopher Walken to shove it. I was going to drive home just as fast as I could. But I never got as far as the threshold.

Nezy and Kache: Magnus! (They both pounce him again)

Magnus: (Shrieks) Gaaaaaaahhh!

Nezy: Dinner is ready! Please stay and eat! If you just eat with us I know you will start to like us more.

Kache: We all ready like you a lot!

Magnus: THATS IT! NO MORE POUNCES!!!!

Narrator: With that I shoved Nezy and Kache off of me. They fell to the ground and looked really hurt. But I didn't care. I had had it!

Magnus: Listen up you mangy flea bags!

Midnite: I have fleas again?

Magnus: You....creatures, have about as much manners and decorum as your relatives hiding out in the dumpsters! You have violated my personal boundaries in every way imaginable since that dirty crook tossed me in here! I have never been more humiliated in all of my life! All of you can forget about me staying another miserable second with a load of furry trash like you! You can all just pack your bags and go back to your old cages at the animal control center for all I care! I would rather get a colonoscopy without sedatives than to live with you vapid, incorrigible, pusillanimous furfags!

Narrator: I admit I was aiming to stab them to the heart. I don't think it worked with all of them. They all just sat at that kitchen table and stared at me like I was raving mad. Kache and Nezy were on the floor whimpering though.

Nezy: (In a pitiful tone) Magnus....

Magnus: YOU! STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Sounds of Nezy running away crying.

Narrator: At first I planned to just leave and forget that all of this had ever happened, and forget about all of them too. But I just had to step back into Mr. Walken's office to give him a piece of my mind.

Magnus: You little !@#%$ #*&$*%(#!

Landlord: (Cheerfully) So, how did it go?

Magnus: How did it go? HOW DID IT GO!?

Landlord: That's a better reaction than the last guy.

Magnus: And what, pray tell, did he do?

Landlord: He tried to throw my stapler at me.

Magnus: You know what, that sounds like a great idea!

Landlord: No wait! Pleas do not imitate him.

Magnus: Why shouldn't I?

Landlord: Because I'm beautiful?

Magnus: You suck at excuses Walken.

Landlord: Well just what made your experience with your future roommates so bad?

Magnus: They were touching me! So...many...furry paws....touching me.

Landlord: I take it you don't like being touched.

Magnus: Sir, when I was a baby I didn't even enjoy breast feeding!

Landlord: I believe that is what you would call too much information.

Magnus: It would do you good to use too much information! Then you wouldn't toss innocent bystanders into the clutches of that white puff ball with the giant ears and that brown, hoppity thing!

Landlord: More specifically they are a white fennec fox and a bunnyroo respectively.

Magnus: (Incredulously) A bunnyroo? And....wait, that girl with the snow leopard was a fox?

Landlord: Yeah.

Magnus: Oh, no wonder!

Landlord: What? You expect all foxes to act like her?

Magnus: Of course! They're all nasty little chatter boxes who hop themselves up on energy drinks and then start to pounce on you at random times and try to seduce you!

Landlord: You know kid, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were teensy bit prejudiced against furries.

Magnus: Oooohohohoho, you bet I am!

Landlord: Well, other than maybe being just a bit too independent thinking and friendly for society at large what can you really find wrong with them?

Mangus: Is that apartment supposed to have a deep, shag carpet?

Landlord: No.

Magnus: Well it does.

Landlord: Oh. I guess it is about time to get the steam cleaners in here again...but anyway. So you might have to use lint rollers a lot while living here. You let pets and their hair into your homes all the time and don't complain. So what?

Magnus: So what? My cat never told me that it wanted me to act more like a bunny just so I could provide it a more realistic hunting experience!

Landlord: Okay, okay, okay. They pounce you, they shed all over and they want to snuggle with you while you sleep. They're weird. But isn't there anything I can do to convince you to stay. Anything at all? Whatever you want, just so long as I don't end up having to max out a credit card to maintain this place.

Magnus: (Being sarcastic) Hmmm, let me think. You deceived me into coming here, used false advertising, tossed me into an animal den, demonstrated you care more about your bottom line than what your tenants are going through, and all around acted like a complete slime ball.

Landlord: Is that a maybe?

Magnus: Good Bye Mr. Walken.

Narrator: Then I left. I never bothered to actually tell Christopher Walken no. I went back to buying my dad's PreparationH ointment and soundproofing my room to block out my sisters sobs and tried to forget I ever met crazy Nezy, Maresth and the others. But I couldn't forget. The anger I had over being assaulted remained with me all week long. I'd brood on what had happened during my free time and as I went to sleep. It even spilled over into my work at the bookstore, Wreaths, Wicker and Words.

Sounds of a busy shop.

Magnus: And thirty six cents is your change. It's an absolutely terrible book but thankfully it's short. Next!

Customer: Yes, could you tell me how much this book is?

Magnus: The tag is on the back you know.

Customer: (Trying to bargain with him) Yes, but, um, you know....

Magnus: Oh you poor thing, you can't read?

Customer: Oh, I can read, I just need you to....clarify the price for me.

Magnus takes the book.

Magnus: (Bored voice) It $18.95.

Customer: (Trying to bargain still) Ah, yes, right, but, you know....

Magnus: So is your real problem a speech impediment or are you trying to talk the price down?

Customer: Yes! You get my point exactly. Could you spare it for maybe 15?

Magnus: Oh yes.

Customer: Great!

Magnus: Just give to me, I'll tear the off last twenty chapters and you can have the rest.

Customer: Huh?

Magnus: Oh, let me explain. Fifteen dollars entitles you to fifteen dollars worth of book. Feel free to bring in the remaining 3.95 whenever you want and you can get the rest.

Customer: Never mind.

Magnus: Pleasure to do business with you sir.

Sound of footsteps.

Mama Rose: (In a deep, Jamaican accent) Is that you I hear grumbling at my customers Magnus?

Magnus: Shut up you old....customer lover.

Mama Rose: I was expecting a better insult from some one of your caliber.

Magnus: Is that your new employee standard? The one who makes the best cracks at the boss gets to keep their job?

Mama Rose: Anyone else would fire you on the spot for that.

Magnus: Some one has to keep these swarming piranha in line.

Mama Rose: Those piranha are my livelihood you know. I'd say you should tread lightly. I might just decide that keeping you around isn't the best business model.

Magnus: Says the old woman who decided that arts and crafts, home furnishings, antiquities and rare books were the best combination of stock for the ideal small business.

Mama Rose: And I know you wouldn't work here if you didn't enjoy the combination of musty old books with the interests of an old lady. Good thing there are quite a few freaks just like you who actually enjoy such a combination. Rather odd for you not to be getting along with them anymore. Maybe you need to work on your people skills.

Magnus: Yes, well I'm not people.

Mama Rose: You can say that again.

Magnus: I'm antisocial freak. I'm awkward and ungainly.

Mama Rose: Even freaks have their off days. Want to tell Mama Rose all about it?

Magnus: It's that apartment I visited a week ago. The experience is eating at me!

Mama Rose: Oh! I didn't know you were looking at moving out of your parents house. Why did you not tell me?

Magnus: It wasn't something I'm terribly eager to share. It was absolutely embarrassing in fact.

Mama Rose: Go on?

Magnus: The landlord is a scumbucket. But that wasn't the embarrassing part. He hid the fact that all my potential room mates were actually....ugh. Furries.

Mama Rose: Ah, that reminds me, of your little experience with that one fox fur back in high school!

Magnus: (Embarrassed voice) Yes.

Mama Rose: Oh yes, that was funny story!

Magnus: I didn't think it was funny then and it isn't funny now!

Mama Rose: Foxes are a very eager species. They aim to please and make people happy and they won't stop until they do.

Magnus: Did the nut have to try and please me by literally hanging off of me every single free minute I had? Jumping at me from behind corners? Constant hugging, grabbing, high pitched chittering! The nut actually thought I fancied him!

Mama Rose: (Laughing off the complaints) Ha, ha, ha. He thought everyone fancied him dear. Chances are quite few of your fellow students actually did, both as a friend or a lover. Too bad he chose to be attracted to the one person on earth who is impossible to charm.

Magnus: Are you saying that was my fault?

Mama Rose: I'm merely saying you could have ended the problem on a better note then getting him suspended and then forcibly transferred.

Magnus: One of us had to stay and the other had to go. I didn't make the decision on who got which end of the stick.

Mama Rose: And yet he was forced to leave every friend he had or made that junior year.

Magnus: (Obstinately) I have no regrets about what I did! The kid needed to be put in his place.

Mama Rose: And just what place is that, pray tell?

Magnus: The place of everyone else in this world! The hell away from me.

Mama Rose: And that is the attitude that is going to get you nowhere very fast. Other than me, your family, and a few paltry others who have you let into your life?

Magnus: Hmmm....you know, I think you just listed them all.

Mama Rose: And that doesn't bother you a bit?

Magnus: Nope.

Mama Rose: (Sighs) You are one tough egg to crack child. If only that poor fox child understood the same thing. I suspect that your little interview a week ago went no better then your last furry encounter?

Mangus: It was a repeat of the same. Cuddles, snuggles, and violation all around. And they wouldn't take no for an answer. Just like that stupid, crazy fox.

Mama Rose: Interesting how you refuse to use his name.

Magnus: I never bothered to learn his name.

Mama Rose: That explains it. So, what keeps you from doing anything mean towards a fur in my store, hmmm? If you look out over the crowd we have now you can see that half the people in hear have ears that are pointed and far to high on their cranium.

Magnus: They know that our relationship starts with the shelves and ends at this desk. It does not go beyond the desk, to my body or to my life. Those idiot foxes don't understand that. Come to think of it the girl who attacked me at that apartment was also a fox. A fennec come to think of it. Just like that one over there....oh no.

Sounds of a chair scraping and scrambling feet.

Magnus: Quick, Rose! Take the desk for me!

Mama Rose: And just why should I do that?

Magnus: I gotta hide!

Mama Rose: What has gotten into you boy?

Magnus: Quick! Just hide me!

Mama Rose: This is more than your usual kind of crazy Magnus.

Magnus: Oh jeeze, she's coming up!

Magnus dives behind a shelf.

Nezy: Hey there! I'd like to buy this.

Hands Mama Rose a book.

Mama Rose: Why yes child. I'm sorry, I have been having a few....problems with my usual cashier.

Nezy: Really? Sorry about that. I sure know how hard it is to find good help.

Mama Rose: I do believe I sense that you are having people problems of your own child.

Nezy: Oh, it's nothing. I'm just having to find a new place to live. Me and my friends, well, can't find a new room mate. We can't afford the current place without one.

Mama Rose: (Sounding very pleased) Oh, really? I take it that the last person who looked at your home did not find it very pleasing?

Nezy: Yes, actually. He really through a fit. I haven't met a meaner, more suck up human in my life.

Mama Rose: You don't say! You didn't happen to meet this person about a week ago did you?

Magnus: (Angrily whispering) Mama Rose, don't you dare!

Nezy: (Pleasantly surprised) How did you know that? He came to look at the place and totally fell apart.

Mama Rose: Did he cry and scream like a little girl?

Magnus: (Angrily whispering) If you weren't a little old woman I'd....

Nezy: He he, yeah he did! I think I might have helped with that. I...we, actually, probably weren't the best hosts. We might have been too friendly. Well, actually me and a friend of mine.

Mama Rose: But I'm guessing he wasn't too nice in return?

Nezy: Yeah, he really laid into us before he left. Took time to insult us all to our faces! How are you able to guess all this? This is so cool!

Mama Rose: Let me just say I think we both know this same person we are talking about. My dear fennec, could you stay at the counter for a moment? I have something important to smooth out that might help both of us.

Nezy: Sure, all right.

Sounds of Mama Rose walking behind the shelf Magnus is hiding behind.

Mama Rose: Well, well, well.

Magnus: Don't be surprised if your morning coffee is poisoned tomorrow.

Mama Rose: Magnus, you are one nasty little prick, yelling at a pretty little thing like her.

Magnus: She tackled me like a lineman!

Mama Rose: That's no excuse. You know furry ways aren't our ways.

Magnus: Even more reason to stay away from them.

Mama Rose: Magnus, I've been wanting to tell you something for quite some time and now is the time to say it. You are a prude, and you need to loosen up.

Magnus: Tell me something I don't know! Or maybe something I actually want to do!

Mama Rose: You are never going to get ahead unless you learn to get along with everyone else rather than thinking they are all idiots. Especially furs.

Magnus: And she isn't one?

Mama Rose: For shame Magnus! And I thought you were a respectful young man, not some bigot who refuses to get out of tiny little shell.

Magnus: So what are you saying, that I should actually go live with her? With the rest of those....fuzzy lunatics?

Mama Rose: That is exactly what I am saying. You need to get a life and I think they...no, she is just the person to do it.

Magnus: I'll be stark raving mad before the month is out!

Mama Rose: A little madness just might do you some good. Soften out those jagged edges.

Magnus: I'll kill myself before living with the fuzzbutts!

Mama Rose: And you will do just that. You will go through your lonely life not growing a single inch bigger than you all ready are and die without ever having touched a single person. Is that what you want?

Magnus: But, but....they were touching me!

Mama Rose: And that's another thing you could stand to grow out of. You are smart boy, and I know you are usually honest with yourself. Think. Just what is it that is so wrong with furs?

Mangus: (Spluttering) They....they....they're just so.....so....so....

Mama Rose: They are so what?

Mangus: (In a very whiny voice) Friendly!

Mama Rose: And I say that is the one thing in life you are not. And the one thing you need to learn to be.

Nezy: Excuse me?

Magnus: Gaaaaah! (He jumps wildly and throws his arms over himself)

Mama Rose: Hello child!

Nezy: You were taking a long time and....Magnus?

Magnus: Hello!

Nezy: I....wow. I didn't expect you to be here.

Magnus: I, I, I, I work here.

Nezy: Oh, okay, so you are her cashier.

Mama Rose: And my part time dependent youth.

Nezy: Oooooh, you were trying to hide from me weren't you?

Magnus: Maybe?

Nezy: Well, I think it's a good thing I bumped into you because there is something I think I should tell you.

Magnus: Please don't be harsh! They're are other people listening!

Nezy: No, it's not like that. Since we met, I've been doing some thinking, and I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pounced you.

Magnus: Huh?

Nezy: And if Kache were here I'd make him say sorry too. We both jumped all over you and....I guess we just assume everyone we meet likes that.

Magnus: Okay.

Nezy: Um, yeah. I guess you aren't the most cuddly person around.

Magnus: I'm not the most likeable person at all actually.

Mama Rose: He's actually proud of that.

Nezy: Well, I guess I'll just buy this book and say bye now. See you Magnus.

Mama Rose: I'll check you out in just a moment young fennec. (She turns to Magnus as Nezy leaves) Well? Do you have anything to say Magnus?

Magnus: I....I feel....I feel weird.

Mama Rose: Like such a heel? Is the great genius Magnus Crawford, who never needed anyone in his life, by chance feeling sorry? Maybe even guilty for hurting that young girls feelings?

Magnus: I feel empty inside.

Mama Rose: (In a soft voice) See? She's making you grow all ready.

Narrator: I felt terrible. That fox girl I had so cruelly yelled at and called an idiot and a freak had apologized to me. And I didn't even have the guts to do the same. Now instead of angry I felt despicable. Nasty all over. This feeling followed me home from work and kept me up all night. And it followed me all the way to Murry Hills apartments when I drove back there the very next morning.

Knock on the front door.

Nezy: Oooh! Some one is at the door! I mean...I mean, I better go see who is at the door. No more pouncing people anymore.

Elias: Let's hope Mr. Walken is trying to kick us out early. We still have a few more days in here paid for.

Midnite: Maybe he found a twelfth human to scare to death.

Yami: Maybe he actually found a bunny.

Marseth: Don't go there again Yami.

Nezy opens the door. Magnus stands there looking pitiful.

Nezy: Magnus?

Midnite: He's back!?

Elias: Haven't you yelled at us enough? Why did you even come back here?

Kache: I don't want to get yelled at again! Just go away!

Nezy: Shut up you two, let him talk. What is it Magnus?

Magnus: I'm....I'm.....I wanted to say...I'm sorry!

Nezy: You're sorry!

Everyone together: He's sorry!?

Magnus: I'm sorry! I'm stupid fool! I'm an arrogant, prejudiced, stupid prick!

Reks: Um...Okay?

Marseth: I think he's bearing his soul!

Magnus: I don't you all to get kicked out because of me! I don't want to feel like a jerk anymore! Mwahahaha! (Cries loudly)

Yami: Is he saying he want's to live with us?

Midnite: I actually think he is!

Magnus: I'll take all the hugs you can give! I wont complain anymore!

Nezy: Oh, there there.

Kache: Come on man, it's all right!

Elias: What did you say to him in that bookstore Nezy?

Nezy: I said I was sorry.

Narrator: Needless to say I moved in as soon as I could. After I was set up in Marseth's room I felt a lot better about myself. Of course I found a lot more to complain about over the next few days. Quite a lot of things to complain about but at least I didn't feel like a complete jerk anymore and I could honestly say I was trying to be nicer to furs no matter how weird they were. If you count letting all my new roommates live as being extra nice that is.

THE END