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Prologue:

Gib:

(Fri)1/1/2010 9:02am

So there it was, the thoughts I had been contemplating for the past year brought to light, again, except this time I wasn't the one to think them... this time...

"... mother, please" I whined into the phone, as if I was trying to forestall some foreseen punishment from when I was a hatchling: "It's not like I've done anyt-"

"I don't want to hear it Gib"

Her tone was unreasonably... reasonable, (don't think too hard on that one); but I knew she was pissed, you know that tone that your folks get when they get so far beyond blind with rage, that all that they can do is talk in that creepy mono-tone... yeah, that one.

She sighed.. "I suppose it's my fault, I've been expecting too much of you..."

And there it was... This woman, had never, not expected things of me; taking advanced classes at school, playing piano and clarinet at music concerts, doing charity work, sporting events and other extra curricular activities, all while maintaining the illusion of being the 'perfect son' in front of her friends and family; and its not that I hated doing these thing... it just never seemed to be... enough. But this right here, was her saying 'I'm giving up'. She continued to mutter other things around the lines of disappointment and fake acceptance, nothing that I hadn't told my self a million times already, but coming from her it seemed more real.

"Well.." I said after she took a long enough pause to finally get a word in. " I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry mum, I love you... happy new year" I immediately hung up and turned off my phone.

After my mobile found its way back into my pocket I gave the room a quick scan. Even in my current mental state I couldn't help but manage a small smile from what I saw, Furs and Scales alike just starting to stir from a long night of partying, celebrating the coming of a new year. The flat screen T.V. was muted, replaying the same movie title every three minutes or so... Valkyrie if I recall.

One couple in particular caught my attention, Lewis; a relativity effeminate, tall raccoon was asleep on the lounge holding a well built (but slightly shorter) husky / great dane hybrid, named Michael. The two, after three years of friendship (and considerable prodding from myself and Sophie), finally admitted the feelings they had for each other last night during the fireworks, Lewis surprising everyone by making the first move, with little more then mumbling "fuck it" while grabbing the Canine by the scruff and kissing him with all built up passion of three years of angst and anguish of the unknown bringing its self to light, while Michael could only snicker and return the gesture (who had in fact wanted it longer then Lewis had)... My happiness and admiration for the two of them slowly turned to self bemusement... if only I had the balls that Lewis showed...

While processing those thoughts along with the thoughts caused by the conversation with my mother, I found myself distracted by movement in the kitchen. Surprised by there anyone being up at this hour considering the previous night, I rounded the corner from the living room to the kitchen to find the Fennec I thought about not two seconds earlier. Sophie was... small, there really was no other way to describe the fox, she barely cleared the five foot, forty kilogram marks with relativity long dark red / maroon fur covering most of her body and tail, with slightly shorter white fur covering her front, neck & paws... most noticeable of all though were her eyes, they were a piercing green full of intellect and wit. Sophie was rummaging around the medicine cabinet looking for (what I assumed) were her boyfriend's morning pills, without turning around she giggled and said.

"so... the two love birds looked cosy on the couch don't they?"... "pick up any pointers for yourself Gib?"

I stood in the kitchen dumbstruck, how the hell did she find out? I may not be the best lair alive but I know enough to be able to distract people from particular lines of uncomfortable conversation. No matter, there was no way she could have figured everything ou-

"It's too bad he's at work-" Sophie said now turning on me with a curious gleam in her eye and a small snarky smile.

Cancel that line of thought...

"- It's obvious you two need a less subtle push then Mitch and Lu-"

Empathic thinkers were really annoying sometimes... I needed to stop this now, time for desperate measures, I would start by using the old classic... denial with a hint of diversion.

I put on the best 'amused' face I could manage before saying "Sophie, I don't know what you have been smoking, bu-"

Sophie cut me off, "Sorry Gib, but your not that good of a poker player" (she was partly referring back to last night where I managed to win our little home game), all while still having that cheeky grin on her muzzle, "I'll tell you what, you can have that one for free, do you want to try again?".

Well at least she was enjoying her self, it looks like I'd have to go into damage control.

The scene must have posed a comical sight for any random onlookers, a tiny red and white fox, practically being begged... (scratch that, I was begging) by a light muddy green and white, male, Yoshi hybrid, that was easily double her weight (mind you ninety percent of the fur's on the planet were double her weight) and eight inches taller then her.

I was a little too distressed, to actually plan what I was saying to my best friend's sister (and a good friend in her own right), it was something along the lines of "please don't tell him, I couldn't stand losing him as a friend through my own stupidity", when Sophie cut me off again.

"Ok, OK!, Gib slow down, take a breath" I did if only out of necessity.

When she resumed speaking, I noticed that she seemed to get serious for the first time this conversation. "Two things Gib; one, you know my brother by this stage as well as I do, if not better... you know that something like this wont do anything bad to your friendship with him-"

As much as my emotional, side was concerned, my more rational feelings knew this to be true... even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted.

"-second, you know the whole situation between Mitch' and Lu' right?

I nodded wondering where the fox was going with this.

"... well, I wasn't the first to notice, my brother was. He's probably-"

"more empathic then you?" I finished, remembering back to when we first met...

"... Not the way I would put it, but in essence, yeah" She replied "well if you already know this, what make you think he hasn't already noticed?"

I felt numb, this was a good point. Sophie continued mumbling something about him being more of an 'observational empath' and the possibility of him not catching on if he didn't actually 'see' me pining over him, but I couldn't hear her through my own thoughts. This was the final nail in the coffin, if what Sophie was saying was true then he knew and said nothing, this along with the earlier conversation with my mother and the fact that I ran out of my mood stabilisers two days ago without remembering to restock the bloody things, seemed to be my personal deadly cocktail. To Sophie's credit she seemed to notice my apparent change in attitude and tried to speak, but I never gave her the chance.

"Look, this is going to seem strange but the next time you talk to him, can you, ahh... give him a message for me?" by this stage I was refusing to look at her hoping against all hope that she couldn't tell what I was thinking at that moment.

"... sure" her concerned voice didn't give me much encouragement, but she was the only one I could trust at this point. At least she wouldn't have any idea what the message meant.

"quote this word for word... 'purple sheets' and 'it must have rabies!' he'll understand" I never thought that our inside jokes would actually have a practical use, any other time I would have smiled, but this time before I could say or do any more, I was out of the house, in my car and before I knew what happened at my intended destination.

As I sat in the car with the radio blearing some random new pop song, I started to contemplate if I should leave some note in the car, I wasn't a sad or self loathing person, I just felt that I was a failure, too much of a coward to tell people that I was trying my best at what I attempted to do, but felt that I kept coming short. I couldn't tell others to back off and I couldn't tell myself that I shouldn't care about what others thought of me.... because well, I did care... I just felt like that I couldn't cope.

I looked at my watch, it read ten past ten. Realising that time was starting to get away from me I decided against saying anything, I knew that I wouldn't have the time to convey my meaning into text and that in the end it wouldn't matter anyway.

I got out of the car and walked the fifty meters to the edge of the cliff, the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks below was near defining. The beach to the west was called Jackal Beach due to the shape of the beach and accompanying cliffs surrounding it, (no second guesses why), where I was standing would have been seen as the tip of the 'Jackal's mussel', the jagged rocks below the teeth. Foam from the ocean was gathering up around the rocks just like the last time I was here, where I made the comment to my best friend that it 'must have rabies' thus started one of the earlier jokes.

I looked back up my eyes glazing out over the ocean, replaying the memoires in my head about the times that I spent with my best friend, the person that I wanted so badly to be my boyfriend and how I wish I had the courage to ask him before now, hell, to even have the courage to tell him goodbye, but I knew that would only be detrimental to both him and/or my plan. I'm not so self interested to be oblivious to the fact that what I intended to do was likely to hurt others and that I was more sorry for then anything else... but why rub salt into the wound, by telling the person your closest to 'hey! I'm going to commit suicide, its been fun hanging with ya'!?!'

I was so absorbed in the little scene I played in my head, that I almost missed the sound of the car parking behind me, I froze as the car door opened and closed and I herd running paw steps behind me. That one second the door was open told me all I needed to know, the music that escaped the car only three people on the planet could have... (since I was the one that composed it), one was across the ocean that I was looking over and another was away on a business trip and wouldn't be back until the fifth that just left the only person that actually knew that I would be here.

"Don't bother coming any closer... " I waned the Scale/Fur that I knew was now only about ten meters away, "...please".

We started talking like I knew we would, there was no, hurried desperation from him and no manic hopelessness from me it was all calm with a aura of pain from the both of us, that was until his sudden outburst.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!-"

That alone would not have been enough to make me turn around frankly I was expecting there to be a bit of shouting, but it was what cut him off that was more surprising... a chocked off sob.

I turned just as a huge gust of wind blew just enough for me to lose my balance. All that went through my mind was a beautiful pained face, the sight of a solitary tear... then foamy rocks.