The Green Milestone
The Green Milestone
A Story about a guy named John Coffeystone.....nah, just kidding....
Or am I...?
And so it begins...
Most people, when it comes to Africa, don't really have much to say about the place. All they ever really have to say is; "Oh, I'd like to go there someday!" or "That's the place where Africans come from," or "Isn't that the place where people get AIDS from being faggots?" Yeah, not a very colorful perspective of ideas or intellectual capacity from most people. Other than that shit, there is also the striking realization that Africa is also known as the Dark Continent, and not for the reasons people would normally think. This was all about to be found out by a hyena by the name of Trixina, who was at that time feverishly trying to smoke the rest of the marijuana from her bamboo pipe.
"Damnit! I can't get the resin out! Noooooooo! Man, fuck these goddamn generic piece of shit bamboo pipes. Screw it! Next week I'm buying the Bonsai imports!" she screamed, as she desperately scraped and jabbed with her small reed stick, yet it proved fruitless. In anger she threw the pipe out her window, where it was immediately followed by a painful cry from below.
Curious, Trixina looked out the window of her treehouse, which was situated on a rather fat-ass Sarengheti tree, and was surprised to se her friend Charles the meerkat painfully rubbing his head below.
"Trixina, you bitch! Watch where you throw your fucking stoner accessories!" he screeched. Trixina just rolled her eyes.
"Charles, go fuck yourself. Your just mad cause you can't have any of my furry pussy!" she said, smirking.
Charles looked up at her disdainfully. "Ha, you get so fuckin' stoned you probably wouldn't remember if I did or not!" he shot back.
Trixina just growled, her boobs bouncing against her windowsill, looking as if they could pop out of her Nike shirt at any moment. "Shut the hell up and get your ass up here!" she said, closing her window, and going to unlock the door.
Meanwhile, Charles had a small problem on his hands. He had forgotten that last week, of all weeks, a swarm of African Killer Bees had made their nest on Trixina's tree, and as he walked up her stairs to her door, his bulbous head made contact with it's bottom. "Oh shit!" he said, and those were the last words out of his mouth as it soon filled with bees, stinging his gums and tongue violently. "Afdsgdfd...! Trifffina! Fhelp Fgeee....! Affdgshdgddddd....!" He screamed.
Trixina, however, had just opened her front door, and looked down at Charles. "Damnit Charles, I though you were over that tribal rapping bullshit months ago!" she said, frowning. Charles, on the other hand, was desperately trying to communicate, his eyes tearing and his mouth swelling beyond proportions.
"Nfffoooo! Ifff Nofffff Frappp! Fhhee BeeeeEEES!" he screamed, and Trixina finally saw the problem, and ran inside to get her Killer Bee spray.
"Yes! I finally get a chance to use this. Fuckin' African government and their Cruelty to Bees law! They can't say shit now!" she said as she sprayed a noxious green gas out at Charles's face, gagging him and filling the air with a rancid smell worse than a zebra after too much Taco Bell.
Charles was relieved, as he spit out all the dead bees from his mouth, rubbing his jaw painfully. "Oh yeah, this shit works better than my Army Ant spray. Hell, 25 cents and a shard of diamond go a long way!" she said joyfully, Charles following her up to her house.
"Hfey, Tfrixinia, ffaybe foo sffould fink afout fetting fa fffest fonfol fuy for fumthin." Said Charles, his mouth still swollen.
Trixina just laughed at him. "Faggot, talk right. I told you to stop that rap shit!" she said, throwing her vine door open. Charles just rolled his eyes, noticing the swelling was remarkably going down already.
"Man, I hate my house. Fucking Wild Dog and his gang are always roaming around here and shit. I heard they already caught Antelope Bob and his kid and fucking ate 'em! Can you believe that? That's just horrible, you know. They didn't even fucking leave me any!" fumed Trixina, sitting down upon her Ultra La-Z-Boy Home Enertainment Chair, with optional coffee maker and Wildebeest Fajita Griller. "Ha, this thing is so sweet!" said Trixina, pushing some buttons which turned on her TV. "Man, if only it had a Warthog Shishkebab attachment as well."
Charles looked over at the TV, which was displaying a popular Nature show entitled Serena Cheetah's Tribal Escapades. "Now folks, let's take a look at the mating habits of the Wasubitoku Tribe of Eastern Africa. It is a very complicated ritual, wherein the male makes farting noises with his glutius maximus, or his butt, thereby attracting a similar mate, who also shares his interest in..."
"Fuck! Aren't there any decent shows on TV anymore?" said Trixina, quickly changing the channel. "Man, Manimal Planet really has gone to hell these days!"
Charles just looked onward and drooled, wishing he had that cheetah in his house, alone. He snapped out of his seemingly lethargic state however, and looked over at Trixina. "Oh yeah, I came over here for something, but can't remember what it was now." He said, thoughtfully thinking. Trixina just smirked, flipping through the channels.
"Weed?" she asked, smiling.
Charles looked over. "Nah, I don't think that was it....it was something more."
Trixina looked perplexed.
"Wombat Weed?" she asked, and Charles's eyes lit up.
"Wait, I think that was it?" he said, and pulled out his bamboo pipe.
"Shit, throw that fucker away. Those pipes are like death to marijuana as Prince is to a genealogist!" Trixina said, and Charles looked worried.
"But, it's the only thing I got..." he said, and Trixina smiled.
"I've been looking for a reason to use this.." Trixina mused, smiling and pulling out a weird wooden vase-looking thing from beneath her chair. Charles looked on in awe, trying to figure out what it was. It looked like something that had been pulled from a rotting hole, all brown and chipped, dirtier-looking than the ground outside.
"Uhhhh....what the hell is that thing?" he asked, scratching his head.
"I don't really know," said Trixina, "It looks like a bong to me, or something like one, but hell, if it is, than I got it for free!" she said, and pointing toward two small hoses erecting from the sides.
Charles ran over to the couch, excited. "C'mon, let's try this motherfucker!" he said, grabbing one of the hoses. He grabbed a small bag out of his pocket, handing it to Trixina. "Jackal said it's supposed to be some really high grade shit, straight from Romania.." said Charles, as Trixina stuffed the weed down into the bong-thing.
"Hell, Jackal's so doped up half the time he doesn't even know how to catch a mouse anymore, let alone know what kind of weed is top quality. We'll be lucky if we get sick off the stuff." Said Trixina, lighting up the grass inside.
Trixina and Charles both looked upon each other as they inhaled the result, suddenly falling to the floor, coughing and gagging their lungs out. "Help! I can't see!" screamed Charles, clutching his eyes feverishly.
Trixina just moaned in pain, growling all the while as her stomach seemed to wrench up in a terrible knot. "God....! Maybe that was a bad idea!" she said, before they both passed out...
Part 2
The Grass is Always Greener On the Other side of the Bag......
The moon shone dark and eerie through Trixinas window, bathing the two comatose figures in its milky soft light. Trixina was the first to open her eyes. Colors swirled in her vision, and it felt as if a dozen reindeer were landing on the roof of her brain. She blinked her eyes a few times, clutching her forehead as she got up from her nauseous stupor. "Damn, feels like I drank too much Poison Toad Juice," she said sleepily, dragging herself from the ground. She looked down at Charles, who was waking up it seemed. "Charles, hey...you....alright?" asked Trixina, prodding him with her foot.
Charles stirred, moving oddly, until finally his eyes opened. "Man, what...the hell...was THAT!" he said, getting up from the ground, holding onto his head. "Feels like I got mountains bursting through my skull or something..." he said, dazed.
Trixina held onto her chair to steady herself. "I....don't think I want anymore of that shit, and I know I'm gonna kill Jackal when I see him!" she said growling.
"Either that was some really good shit, or the fucker was trying to kill us!" said Charles, sitting down, trying to keep himself from puking.
"Probably a little bit of both, knowing that fuck! Shit! Don't even have a buzz anymore, at least, I don't feel like it." Said Trixina, grabbing the vase-thing up from the floor, when she suddenly stopped and looked upon it. "Hey, what the hell? This isn't the thing we smoked out of...is it?" she asked, showing Charles.
Charles stared upon what looked like an ancient artifact of gold and silver, two diamond studded hoses protruding from its sides, giving off a strange glint. "Holy shit. Maybe you did find something after all. In fact, that reminds me. I found something weird too earlier, before I came over here, but I guess I forgot." Said Charles, holding his head more.
"Really? That's just great. Don't even know what the hell it is! Might be worth some money though. I'm still going to kill that Jackal though. I don't even feel yiffy or anything!" whined Trixina, shoving her paw down her skirt, feeling between her legs. "Well, it's wet, but don't feel anything going on down there." She said, whereupon Charles looked up at her, his ears perked. "Ha, don't get any ideas mister. I'm not that stoned right now," she smirked, sitting down herself. "Damn, I don't really feel good right now. That weed was fucking laced or something, it had to of been!"
Charles looked over at her, and noticed he was drooling. Of course, he always sort of drooled when he laid eyes on Trixina, as she was rather hot, her full legs and thin waist coupled with large breasts, and her beautiful face topped with black silky fur. Yes, she really was a step up from most people in Africa, yet, he knew his girlfriend wouldn't have wanted him to. He shook his head, but noticed he was still drooling, a puddle of saliva, making a small pond on Trixinas floor.
Trixina noticed, and scolded him. "Damn, I know you have a retard complex, but hell!" she said, staring at him.
"I...I...can't stop!" Charles screamed, running over toward Trixinas sink, drool still coming forth from his mouth.
Trixina now looked worried as the saliva soon changed a dark red color. "Oh shit! What the hell's going on!" she cried, covering Charles's mouth with a large leaf.
"I....don't know, but it feels like a thousand needles in my mouth!" screamed Charles, the blood stopping a little while after.
Suddenly, Trixina knew what it was. "Oh, it's those damn bee stings. Yeah, those bees will get you if you don't watch out. Man, they stung me on my nipples and pussy one time, and I couldn't pleasure myself for days!"
Charles looked over at her. "Ummmm....how did they sting you there?' he asked. "Trixina looked thoughtful, "Oh, it's a long story," she said, and helped him clean the rest of the blood off the counter.
A while later, after sitting down, they felt somewhat better than before, whereupon Trixina's stomach growled viciously. "You know, I'm starving right now. Let's go get some meat!" she said, and Charles looked over, smiling.
"Hell yeah, that's what I'm saying! Haven't had anything to eat since I came over." He said, jumping up from his seat.
"Wait, let's take that strange bong-thing over to Rob Lions Pawnshop. Bet we can get some nice change out of it." Said Trixina, grabbing the strange artifact from her chair.
They ran down her stairs, looking up toward the sky, noticing that the stars looked stranger than most nights, the moon shining vehemently down upon the ground, looking as if it would set the grass ablaze in white flames. Trixina and Charles stayed silent as they trudged through the thick leaves and grass of the jungle, strange noises emitting from the trees. Suddenly, they heard someone screaming, a crashing sound coming through the bushes.
They both stepped back as a warthog squealed and ran past them. "Holy shit! Maybe we won't have to go very far for dinner after all!" cried Trixina, her and Charles giving chase through the grass. "Here warthog, here hoggie! Damnit! Just come here so I can fucking eat you!" screamed Trixina, her tongue lolling from her mouth as she and Charles raced after the pig. As if from nowhere, a figure stepped out from the darkness, Trixina crashing headfirst into it.
"Fuck! Who the hell...?" she cried, rubbing her face.
Charles looked onward, somewhat afraid.
"Geez dawgs, what the hell has we gots here now?" said a rather dumb voice from the shadows. "Hey! Homies! Looks like we gots some sons who don't be followin' the set rules of our turf!"
Trixina looked up at the figure and instantly knew who it was. "Oh...shit......Wild Dog!" she said, and a rough hand picked her up from the ground.
"That's right ho! We's the dawgs around here. You ain't nothing but a bitch-ass, and yur in our territory. I marked it myself with my own piss! Don't you smells it? It sez stay the fuck out, dawg!" said Wild Dog, stepping back, joined by a group of about four other African dogs.
"Heh, looks like we got some honkeys trying to tear up our turf, boys. Shit son! You guys gots to be trippin', coming all in here like you some fuckin' pigs and shit! I say we grill 'em!" said Wild Dog, and Trixina and Charles both looked on worriedly.
The four wild dogs grabbed them both, heedless of Trixina and Charles's struggling. "Fuck, let us go you fucking bastards!" cried Trixina. Charles looked onward as they came upon a lighted area, lighted by a blazing fire.
"Ha, we's gonna eat some cousins tonight boys. Oh, wait, one of thems a kittiekat so I guess we're eatin' two for one!" cried Wild Dog, laughing retardedly.
"Hey, dumbass, I'm a MEERKAT, not a fucking kittie! Faggots!" cried Charles.
"Hey shut the hell up dawg! Cook that little fuck first. I's gots to have my vitermins and shits like that!" cried Wild Dog, while Trixina just looked at him oddly.
Her and Wild Dog had run into each other in the past, but she hadn't remembered him ever trying to eat HER. Times HAD changed however in Africa, and Wild Dog and his gang were probably the only ones who still took hardcore survivalist instincts to heart, however stupid they were. "Hey, Wild Dog! Why the hell are you going to eat US! We don't taste good, I mean, I probably have a tasty pussy and all, but the rest of me probably won't taste very good!" cried Trixina.
"Yeah, there's a tasty warthog over yonder. Hell, we could have caught it and shared if you fucks hadn't bothered us!" said Charles, still struggling.
"Ah yes. Hell's, you honkeys were trying to eat my homeboy Fido? That's my dawg, stupid dawgs, and no ones eats my poor little Fido piggie! Now we eats you! Shit son! You whities deserve it anyways!" guffawed Wild dog, him and his crew now a stone's throw away from the fire.
"Oh, that's why....shit!" said Trixina, now struggling more than ever to get out of the clutches of the dog that was carrying her. "Prepares to be fired up, homies!" cried Wild Dog, and his boys prepared to throw Trixina and Charles into the wrath of the fire, when a strange screaming came from the bushes.
They all looked toward the sound, the bushes whipping and flying "alalalalalaklsjdhdhdhsjasklaklasskskasnskndjashdjsahdjashjdhawjhdash;dk;ashdhd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" something ascreamed, and they all covered their ears as it was the worst noise they had ever heard. Suddenly, a naked tribesman ran from the bushes, screaming his head off and making weird clicking noises. A sharp spear glinted in his hand, and he prepared to throw it at Wild Dog and the rest. "Oh shits sons! We's better get rid of this fuck!" said W.D., and they dropped Trixina and Charles near the fire, walking toward the tribesman.
"Phew, that was close." Said Charles, getting up from the ground.
It didn't turn out to well for the tribesman, as Wild Dog and his boys beat the shit out of him, and then ate his face off, laughing all the while. The mans spear, however, had rolled over toward Trixina during the scrap, and she now picked it up, throwing it toward Wild Dog and his crew. The spear was sharp, and easily went through Wild Dogs mouth and out the ass of one of his crew. They fell to the ground, gagging and moaning, until they finally died from their wounds. The other two gang members ran off through the woods, barking and screaming.
"Fuckers tried to eat us?" said Trixina, breathing heavily, as the spear was rather cumbersome, "Huh.....well, we showed those faggots!" she cried, growling.
Charles just looked on amazed, his eyes wide. "That...was...awesome!" he cried.
Trixina then caught her breath, and looked on puzzled. "That was fucked up, really. We just killed Wild Dog! Shit! That...didn't seem like it should have....." she said, looking onward confused.
"I'm fucking starving!" cried Charles, and they both looked on thoughtfully over at the dead Wild Dog.
After a while, they weren't hungry anymore.
"Man, that fucking dog was delicious, but not as delicious as that fucking pig!" cried Trixina. Charles agreed, and they soon left the amity of the fire, once again trudging through the jungle, Trixina pulling the strange artifact from beneath her shirt, glad that her boobs had covered it and that Wild Dog and his cronies hadn't found it. After awhile of walking, they came upon a small run-down town, and Trixina and Charles gasped.
"Hey, what the hell happened to Jugerat!" they cried, looking onward at a small tavern that looked like it had been bulldozed or something.
"Isn't that where that fucker Jackal hangs out all the time?" asked Charles, and Trixina nodded.
"Yep, that fuck's around here somewhere though, probably trying to get some pussy from that lynx that lives around here." She smirked.
"Oh, you mean Farya?" asked Charles, and Trixina laughed.
"Yeah, but she has, like, 20 kittens. I'd like to see Jackal deal with that shit! Hell, I only want about 10 pups myself, I mean, talk about overkill!" she mused, as they both walked toward the tavern named Jugerat.
As they neared the door, however, a strong smell came from out of nowhere and smacked them both in the face. "Acckkk! Jeez, what the fuck is that! Did someone let Bob Marley out of his cage again? Shit!" said Charles, gagging. They went through the doors, only to see Kangaroo Jackie and Leopard Leonard eating something out of a huge bowl, which the smell was coming from.
"Holy fuck! What the hell are you two weirdo's eating!" cried Trixina, covering her nose.
Leonard looked up from the bowl, glancing at them both. "It's the new soup from Betty Crocker...it's called Crock Crap Creole Stew.....and it's awesome!" screamed Leonard, shoving his face down into the bowl.
"Oh my god, that stuff smells like fucking puke, shit, and Jim Carreys toothpaste!" said Charles.
Jackie didn't even glance up from the bowl. In fact, the kangaroo didn't even move. "Uhhh...is Jackie alright!" asked Trixina.
Leonard stopped eating for moment and looked over at Jackie. "Jackie...you okay," asked Leonard, poking the kangaroo with his fork. The kangaroo didn't budge, and Leonard poked him harder, which only sent Jackie too the floor, making a sick plopping sound. "Oh shit! He's dead!!......oh well, I guess that's what you get when you mix vodka with an episode of Will & Grace!" cried Leonard, and continued eating.
"Yeah, I think that show should have a parental advisory....you know...for fucking gayness!" cried Charles.
Trixina, however, wasn't amused. "Yeah, yeah, where the fuck is that skinny bastard Jackal at? I have a bit of stoned to pick with him!" she said, looking around the tavern, which seemed rather empty, except for a few lionesses in the back making out.
"You know, I really don't know. He was here earlier, and he said something about going to Egypt tomorrow for something or other." Said Leonard, who continued eating, his face looking rather drooped now.
"God that stuff really does smell fucking horrible!" said Trixina.
Charles looked on puzzled. "Africa huh? Why the fuck would Jackal go there?" asked Charles, Trixina looking over at him, just as stumped.
"Oh, well, let's go look for that bastard, I know he's around here somewhere." She said, and they both left the tavern, never noticing that Leonard wasn't moving anymore either...
Part 3
Piranhas Are A Bitch to Get Off Your Car
Outside the tavern the street of the town were rather silent, that is, until Charles farted. "Damnit Charles, you stinky motherfucker! Go get your ass pumped or something!" said Trixina, who burped right after that.
Charles laughed, and Trixina looked perplexed. "Hell, I don't remember ever burping like that before. Man, I hope we........ahhhhhhh!!!" screamed Trixina, looking down at her hands. Blood was oozing from her paws, spilling upon the ground, worms poking their ugly heads from her wounds. "Shit! What the fuck! Get them off meeeeee!" she cried flailing her hands, screaming.
Charles looked at her, confused. "Trixina! Calm the fuck down! What's wrong?" he said, grabbing hold of her.
Trixina looked at her hands again, but noticed there was nothing there. "You didn't see the blood and worms and shit!" she cried, still staring at her hands.
Charles looked at her hands, but couldn't see anything either. "Man. That weed was some fucked up shit!" said Charles. "We almost got eaten, you killed Wild Dog, and now you're seeing shit! What the hell is up with this shit!" he said, Trixina now calming, but her calm soon turning to rage.
"Man, fuck! That bastard, he gave us some fucking shit that............." But she stopped herself as the vase-thing fell from her shirt and landed on the ground. Charles and Trixina both stared upon it, as it seemed to glow oddly, vibrating some where it had hit the ground.
"Oh shit! That thing sounds like it's going to fucking explode or something!" said Charles.
The thing suddenly stopped however, and Trixina picked it back up. "You know, maybe it wasn't that weed, but this fucking thing!" said Trixina, and looked it over.
"Maybe we still have a buzz and don't know it." Said Charles, and Trixina agreed. "Still, let's go find Rob Lion and see how much we can get out of it!" and they both walked through town until they came upon Rob Lion's Pawnbroker Shop.
Rob Lion was in there as usual, looking at some weird thing or another, and didn't even notice the two come in. "Hey, Rob, get the fuck over her and look at this, will ya?" asked Trixina, and the lion sidled over toward the counter.
"Hmmm let's see......I'll give you 25 dollars for it!" said Rob, and Trixina and Charles both looked at him.
"Fuck you!" and they both walked out of the shop, angry. "Look at this thing, it looks like it's worth more than that!" said Trixina.
At that moment, they both spotted Jackal walking over toward Jugerat. "Hey, there's that fucker! Hey...Jackal!" yelled Trixina, and Jackal looked on over at them.
"Hey guys. How is that weed I got you!" he said, curling his tail.
"That's the shit we want to talk to you about!" said Charles.
"Hey, that was some good shit, believe me." Said Jackal, looking all the proud he could.
"Well, I don't know, see, we smoked from this fucking thing and then we passed out." Said Trixina, showing Jackal the strange vase-thing.
"Hey! That's Mine! That's what I lost a few days ago! I've been looking for it!" said Jackal, and grabbed the vase from Trixina's paws.
"Hey! What the hell is that thing?" she asked, looking weirdly at Jackal.
"It's an ancient African mausoleum ventilation device. It was used to ventilate crypts and shit like that. Don't know if it ever really worked or anything and.......hey, did you guys say you were smoking from this?" asked Jackal, and Trixina and Charles both nodded their heads.
"Holy shit! So you really can smoke from this thing, huh? That's fucking awesome! Hey, come on over to my place. I got some real good shit from Transylvania. It might turn you into a fucking vampire!" said Jackal, and Charles and Trixina both agreed.
"But...wait....that thing was making us see some weird shit and stuff. It made us fucking pass out and shit!" said Trixina, looking worriedly over at the device.
Jackal looked oddly at them. "This? I don't know about that or anything. Probably was that fucking weed. Maybe you guys didn't smoke it right or something." He said, smiling oddly, and Trixina and Charles both looked at each other, and then back at Jackal glaring. "Yeah, I don't think this thing really had anything to do with it. C'mon let's go smoke that shit!" said Jackal, and they all walked away.
Though, as they walked, Trixina and Charles both noticed that the vase started glowing again, although Jackal didn't seem to notice. They didn't say anything though, just kept on walking, and smiled. They didn't know what the hell had went on. And they weren't going to smoke from that thing again.......well.....maybe. They were, however, going to let Jackal find out for himself........................
Part 4?
What really happened?
Stay tuned for the next part, where they go to Egypt and shit! Well.....maybe.