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[Calling...]

[Connecting to ID: Anna, H.]

[You are online with ID: Anna, H.]

[OmniChat Activated]

...

"Anna? Can you hear me?"

.

[[["Wha? Who is-? Oh. Why are you calling me this late, hon?"

.

"Yes, I know, it's late and I'm very sorry for bothering you! But this is an emergency!"

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[[["Ugh... what do you need, sweetie?"

.

"Okay, so I met this guy..."

.

[[["Is he cute?"

.

"... I was getting to that, but yes, he is. As I was saying-"

.

[[["How's his fringe?"

.

"He... doesn't have one."

.

[[["Oh."

.

"Yep."

.

[[["It's just... I thought turians liked fringes!"

.

"No! You don't understand-!"

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[[["No, no! It's fine, hon! I think it's very sweet of you! '_It's what's on the inside that counts', right?"_

.

"...What?"

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[[["I think it's great that you can look past physical appearances, sweetie! So what if he isn't good-looking?"

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"No! That's not what I meant!"

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[[["Well... what did you mean?"

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"He doesn't have a fringe because he's not a turian!"

.

[[["...Oh."

.

"Yeah."

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[[["Drell, then?"

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"No."

.

[[["Salarian?"

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"Nope."

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8

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"So, you're saying I should use my fingers?"

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[[["Yes, definitely. Turians don't use our fingers that much because, you know, talons. Despite the rumors, we prefer our sexual relations to be relatively pain-free and without any, ahem, biting."

.

"Okay, I see. That's actually kinda great for me because I have this thing I like to do with my fingers..."

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[[["Okay, I don't really need to hear this."

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"... And I sort of push up into her..."

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[[["LalalalalalalalaI'mNotListeningI'mNotListeninglalalalalalalal alalaI'mNotListening!"

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"... And that's when I do the 'come hither' motion. It really gets the ladies going, if you know what I mean."

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[[["Vega, the only one here who should be listening to sexual acts being described in gruesome detail is you. Now shut up and let me tell you about oral...."

8

8

8

[[["... Krogan?"

.

"Definitely not."

.

[[["Batarian?"

.

"Ew!"

.

[[["What then?"

.

"... Human."

.

[[["... Well... okay then."

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"... Uh-huh."

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[[["... Good for you."

.

"So... can you help me?"

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[[["You didn't do any research?

.

"Nope."

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[[["..."

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"Anna?"

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[[["Don't play with his ass unless he tells you that it's perfectly okay."

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"Wha- his ass? Wait, hold on a sec-!"

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[[["If you're going to blow him, then, for the love of god, _ DO NOT. USE. YOUR TEETH. _ Teeth are bad. Remember that. Tongue is good, lots of tongue. Teeth are bad. Oh, and it's usually alright to play with his balls, just watch those talons. The skin down there isn't very thick, so be careful."

.

"Whoa, slow down-."

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[[["Also, you might have to get creative with the positions you use. Missionary won't work, not with those spurs on the back of your legs. You'll just end up poking him in the ass."

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"Okay, great, but-."

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[[["Sorry, that's all I'll be able to help with, hon."

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"No, wait!"

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[[["Extranet, sweetie. Use it. I'm going back to bed."

.

"Anna-."

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[Call disconnected]

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"Damn."

8

8

8

"... So it's on the inside?"

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[[["Yeah. Not like humans. Don't go freaking out because the alien you're sleeping with is different than what you're used to."

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"But, where is it on the inside?"

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[[["When she's facing you, it's on the side closest to you. It's not a single nub, either. It's actually more like a short strip. Three small bumps in a vertical line. Very sensitive."

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"Huh. Interesting."

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[[["I have to give you credit, Vega. You don't seem squicked out in the least."

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"It just sounds like it's going to be easier for me. The placement of it just makes it perfect for the thing with my fingers I told you about. You know, when I take two fingers and just..."

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[[["OKAY, I get it, Vega. You're going to rock her world."

.

"You know it."

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[[["One more thing, Vega. I cannot stress this enough. Ignore the ass."

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"No ass?"

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[[["I know humans have this unnatural fixation on hind-quarters, so I'm just letting you know. Turians do not. Ass-play does nothing for us, so don't try."

.

"Okay, got it. No ass."

.

[[["Correct."

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"... Uh, thanks... for the help... Scars."

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[[["Yeah, well, I'm always ready to help a bro in need. Just... no more midnight calls, okay?"

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"Got it. Wish me luck-."

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[[["Gary, sweetie. Come back to bed! You've been on the phone for almost an hour!"

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"Is that-?"

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[[["Goodbye, Vega."

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[Call disconnected]

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"... Damn."

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[Extranet Search: Human Sexual Positions]

[Extranet Search has generated: 712,194,603,003,121 results]

"Wow."

[Selected Extranet Search Result: Comfortable Human Mating Positions: For Turians]

"Okay, let's see what we have here..."

[Click]

[Extranet Image: The PoundHammer]

"That's... ew."

[Go Back One Page]

"Hrm, Let's try this one."

[Click]

[Extranet Image: Reverse Cowgirl]

"Huh. Interesting."

[Image Saved]

"Back to the search results..."

[Go Back One Page]

[Go Back One Page}

[Selected Extranet Search Result: the Kama Sutra]

[Click]

[Opened Image Gallery 1 out of 150]

"... Oh my..."

[Scrolling]

"... Spirits!"

[Scrolling]

"..."

[Scrolling]

"... I can't bend that way..."

[Back To Top]

[Gallery Saved]

[Extranet Browser Closed]

[OmniTool Shutting Down]