The Epitaph of A Living Man
The Epitaph of A Living Man.
Some of the most heart-torn soul piercing things I've ever put on paper are here...my bare thoughts and soul on display through a text-based program. This piece is purely self-masturbatory, but it is the most honest words and accurate description of what I feel I have ever put on paper.
I am displaying it here not for critique, not for ridicule, hell, not even for self-satisfaction. I am only displaying it here because it gives me a sort of 'settling' feeling of calm, being honest like this. It makes me feel like I'm not hiding from the world, like I do every day. It makes me feel like I can tell someone what I feel, and how I want to make a difference, and yet, am ignored for it.
Hope you enjoy it.
If there is such a thing as an epitaph for a living man, then this would be it. The things that make us live, the things that make us thrive...that drive us to do great things, drive us to higher aspirations. That drive, that inner sense of that age-old question of time itself: What is it that motivates oneself? What am I here for, and what can I do to make a difference?These are the feelings that drive us all to our own ambitions early in life, and lead us until old age take us all. Myself? I have never known this feeling.I have never known true ambition, or aspiration. A eager feeling that makes me want to be an Astronaut, Fire Fighter, or whatever we all want to grow up to be. I have known trials, suffering, sorrow...even knowledge. Knowledge of mortality, of destiny, and fate. What they mean, how they drive an individual to glory, or destruction.There is however, one emotion that drives me. Instead of hungering for power, money, greed, or carnal pleasures...my own self-indulgence is much more simple.I hunger for Respect. I work diligently to earn Respect, and even get furious when I detect the smallest amount of disrespect. I've always wished to be one of the most Respected(if not feared) individuals ever known.
Now, why would I want this? Why would anyone want this? It sounds like the makings of a tyrant, the makings of a psycho. In my case, I have morals to keep me clean. Morals to keep me 'fair', and 'righteous'.I have always been a man of my word; honest, sincere, and direct. I have always been fair, giving everyone a choice to do what their heart tells them to, without restraint. I have always given unconditional love to my immediate family, and helped them in times of strife and pain. I have loved, and been loved. I have been betrayed and forgotten, yet never exacted vengeance or sought revenge. I have never hated any man, woman or child; only myself.My sins are my own, and God knows them well. My weakness for fetishes, sexuality, and defiance of religion are well known to Him. My only fault is my selfishness to Live as many others do, in my eyes. In peace, with everything they do a success and triumph, even with struggle. For you see, my faith in religion was shattered because even through struggle people will prevail and smile; happy for their life, and going well.
In my case, my trials have always yielded no results, and nothing but more pain. I try as hard as I can with every moral I have, and try to do things because its right. But every time I do, I earn more suffering, more defeat. I have only ever wanted peace, and success for myself. That is my most selfish indulgence.My defiance in regards to sexual nature and fetishes happens because I just want to feel better about myself. It is my fault. I am not a perfect person. All I want is to be able to respect myself, and at least feel like
I have control over something in my life. When Judgement comes, If I go to Hell for these things, then my one wish would be for God to remember what good things I did and stood for while I lived. Should I be condemned, I would at least be remembered for the Goodness that I LIVED for.My concerns are in these writings, the things I do think about on a regular basis. I think of how I will be remembered, forgotten, or even missed. I know that I am loved. I know that some admire me. I also know that I am hated. That I am reviled by some, and looked down on.
But should I pass on tomorrow, or should it be far later in life, I will at least have come clean about my feelings. Who I am inside. That honor still lives within me. That I have Sins of my own, like everyone else. Perhaps I shall be rewarded for my efforts, one day. Perhaps not.But at least know that I feel that I am a good Man. My wish is to be remembered as such.Had I gone forward with my plan to join the Military, with my plan to do Special Ops like only the best of soldiers can do...I 'd only desire those close to me to have known that they are loved, and that should I have died, I'd have died for my own selfish desire to be respected and feared. I always ask Him every day, to please forgive my selfishness. For I only desire to be looked upon as someone worthwhile, unbiased.Should I have killed in the Military, and I would have, it would've been for selfish reasons. This in itself may condemn me, regardless of my goodness. The folly of a good Man may be known as self-contempt. Selfish natures lie in us all; but even in selfishness, a man can still have Honor for something he believes in.
And I believe in Honor, Honesty, and Integrity.Should I be forgotten in all annals of History, at least remember my integrity, my wish that all men, women, and children will someday realize the purity of truth, the clarity of the just and honorable. Remember the Good in all of us. I love you all, as foolish as it sounds. Close to me, or not.My heart and soul on paper, my bare thoughts unfurled through textual sex oozing with sin and syntax. And yet, this is truly a work of self-expression. Pure self-expression through self-masturbatory writings of a hard life. For what it's worth, anyway.