FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Disclaimer: Any resemblance between nouns used inside of this story and those outside of it, unless otherwise noted, existent or otherwise are purely coincidental.

Warning for serious content. I wrote this as a story because I could not manage to get it out any other way. For over two years I've wanted to post this somewhere. Don't read it if your not looking for a life lesson or are not very open minded.

Acceptance, based on a true story

"What is wrong with me!" A light brown steed angrily yelled as he looked as his reflection in the mirror. A soiled diaper drooping around his waist. Why do I enjoy this? He thought to himself and anger turned into bitter sadness. A tear ready to break free from his eyes. The horse slammed his fist into the wall. "God dammit Tofwap why!"

The horse nearly threw himself onto his bed. Ripping the plastic covered padding off and throwing it at the garbage can. Up until a few months ago he had been nothing but disgusted with the idea of wearing them. Why suddenly was he buying them in bulk and using them to satisfy some powerful desire to wet himself. Despite his biter anger the stallion pulled another diaper from his dresser and proceeded to put in on. The teenage horse curled into the fetal position. A distant memory returning to him as he started to cry.

Staring out the window into a dense winter fog a younger Tofwap placed his forehead against the pane of glass, chilling his head as he waited impatiently for dinner. The crinkling coming from between his restless legs bothering him greatly. He looked down again, blushing at the sight of a plain white diaper covering his crotch. If it had not been for the fog he would have been trying to cover it up so nobody on the outside could see. He had really angered his father this time. Not only had he been spanked, but he had managed to land himself a spot starting out the front window. He waited eagerly for dinner to be done so he could move from the spot in front of the window. He began to reflect back on the reason he was told to stand there.

It was mid afternoon, just before lunch. The horse looked towards the clock above the doorway as the teacher continued to write on the chalkboard. Lunch was something to look forward to, It was the only time of the day he could run and find a spot to hide from the stares and snickering of the children around him. More than that, he wanted to get to a bathroom and force the pee out of his bladder so he did not suddenly need to pee later. The young horse just laid his head flat against the desk, would it really matter if he did it again? Wet his pants?

Would it.... the sudden urge came over him again. He quickly crossed his legs to shut to keep urine from running out of him. Why did it always come so quickly. How did anyone ever make it to the bathroom with the urge just randomly shooting from out of nowhere. A stabbing pain in his back adding to the problem. How does anyone walk to the bathroom with their back drilling into them like this? he thought to himself.

"Hey look, he has his legs crossed again!" One of his peers shouted out to the entire class.

"He's going to wet his pants again!" Another person yelled. Everyone in the room staring in his direction ready to laugh if he did.

"Children! Children, Pay attention. Tofwap if you need to go to the bathroom go!" The teacher exclaimed as she turned around to confront the class in an attempt to grab the others attention back unto the chalkboard.

It was more than enough reason for him to try getting up out of the chair. He already wanted to get away from the people sitting around him. Walking with your legs crossed was no easy feat. Tofwap tried his best to limp to the bathroom hunched over from the stabbing in his back. Inch by inch he made it to the doorway, loosing a little urine every time he switched a leg forward. He could feel it running down his leg, and the children could obviously see it as they had begun to laugh uncontrollably. He stopped trying and just ran out of the room, letting it flow out into his underwear and onto the floor as he broke into tears.

The chill on his head from the window almost causing his head to ache in unison with the blood vessels constructing over his stress. What was wrong with him? Why had he wet his pants at school again? He was in the third grade for Christs sake! It always seemed to come so fast he did not have time to get to the bathroom. It did not matter how many times he thought back on it, he did not know why he continued to wet himself. It just seemed to happen. His sore bottom just adding physical pain to his inability to understand an issue that traumatized him psychologically.

The lingering smell of dinner being made in the kitchen kept wafting into his mind. The little horse knew he was supposed to be thinking about his actions. Who could with the delicious smell of homemade bread assaulting their nose. A single tear rolling from his eye down his cheek. It was never fair. It's not like he wanted this. Having to worry every day about whether or not he could make it to the bathroom on time. To have the other children pointing and laughing when he failed to hold it. Wanting to be able to walk into school without fear of being laughed at.

It hit him again, that sudden pressure to pee that always came out of nowhere. He almost turned to head to the bathroom, remembering his fathers instructions not to move from that spot. The beatings he had gotten before kept him from disobeying. Trying to hold it as best he could. "Dad!" he yelled, calling to his father in the recliner just a few feet from him. He crossed his legs and buckling over in pain as his lower back began to feel like it was being stabbed.

"Yes Tofwap?" the stern figure reading a newspaper in the recliner inquired.

"Can I use the bathroom. I have to go." He asked, trying to mask the sound of his clenched throat. The tone that anyone who was on the verge of crying made when they tried to talk.

"No, your wearing a diaper for a reason. I suggest you learn to control your bladder if you want to use the toilet." his father replied.

It was not the first time his father had said no so he knew how the next few minutes was going to play out. Tofwap placed his head back against the glass and uncrossed his legs. A warm stream of urine flowing into the padding. Another few tears streamed down his face as he waited for it to be over. It was never any easier no matter how many times he did it. As he emptied himself into the diaper he wondered how long until his mother would be with dinner. He always had to wait for his mother to change him when he was being punished. The pain in his back fading away as the urine dribbled to a stop.

The horse took a deep breath in, gasping for air from sadness as another few tears broke loose from his eyes. From the mushy feeling between his legs, the smell of urine rising out of the diaper, the now yellow padding, and the feeling of hopelessness; The only good thing about his situation he could think about was the smell of bread baking in the oven.

He waited for what seemed like hours in the wet diaper before his mother came into the room. She picked him up and carried him into his room, laying him down on his plastic covered bed. He could cry now that his father was out of earshot. It was not long before he was in a new diaper, sobbing uncontrollably. He curled up into a ball when his mother was done.

"Do you want to come to dinner?" she asked, trying to comfort him as she petted his mane.

He could not talk, he just shook his head no before covering his face with a blanket and nestling his head into his pillow.

"Alright, I'll bring you something later." his mother said as she walked out of the room clicking the door closed.

"I really think we should take him to see a doctor." He could hear them talking in the dining room.

"He is just lazy, besides we don't have money to go see a doctor."

Tofwap just flipped his pillow over his head, he had already heard this conversation too many times to count. The dry padding between his legs was the only comfort he found at the time. He just hoped his parents did not start yelling at each other again. Why did this happen to him, all he wanted was bladder control. When would he have it?

The blurry outline of his nightstand became clear as he wiped the tear from his eye. He had to really think about what he had just remembered. It was a piece of his childhood he had tried to forget. His entire childhood barely able to be pieced together from what he did remember. He thought he could burn all his yearbooks and throw away all his childhood mementos. Each memory only coming back to remind him of old wounds more fiercely than the objects he had destroyed. Staring at the light coming from his lamp he remembered something else.

The horse sat in the doctors office staring up at the lights in the ceiling. Bored out of his little mind waiting for the doctor. After all the testing and questions he was waiting around to hear the results from someone. He sat next to his mother, resting his muzzle against her shoulder when the doctor finally came into the room.

"Mam, I've had a chance to look over the test results." the doctor said as he put some dark transparent paper on a back light board. The outline of the horses body became visible as the light flickered on. "You can see how your sons ureters are laying down on his bladder here." he noted, pointing to a dark blob with a tube like smudge draping down over it.

She looked at the image. "What can we do?" she inquired, really asking on behalf of the silent horse leaning into her with a dead stare on his face.

"I could perform surgery, but it will fix itself as he grows taller. You just need to manage the problem until he grows out of it." The doctor flipped through his sets of papers before continuing. "The chances are, without insurance you would be burred in debt if we performed surgery. Take your time and consider your options."

Nothing, It was what the horse had expected. Nothing he could do about it as usual. He had cried enough about it already so he just sat there. Waiting to go home. It was just normal to feel this way. Everyone feels this helpless. Don't they? He asked himself, never having known anything else.

The tear drenched pillow under Tofwap's head had become too cold to bare. There must be something I'm missing. I'll never fit in with anyone. Who could ever come to accept this? I can't even accept it. Who am I and why am I doing this? The horse turned of his light and went to sleep, unable to figure anything out.

The horse lay in his bed again, reflecting on he past he tried so hard to forget. He wanted to move on from it. He could not forget it, the laughter and pointing, the pain in his back and wet pants, the painful beatings his father gave him and the long hours he endured wearing diapers as punishment. Everything everyone had done to him, How would they have known the whole story or the feelings I felt?

He began to look into it from the other side; He would have laughed himself, he would have pointed if it had been another. I forgive the children, for they did not know any better. He would have punished his child if I thought he was just being lazy, I forgive my father for he did not understand my condition. He looked at himself, Above all, I forgive myself for thinking it was my fault.

The pain in his heart remained, but it felt a little more bearable that day.