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The tension between Meagan and me were rising ever since that day. Needless to say, I didn't like her at all and didn't recognized anything that Nikki always described about her. Saying that she's nice and caring but I thought she was more of the opposite. She was a bitch, to put it bluntly. The kind of girl who always thinks that no one and nothing is ever good enough for her. Ever since I told her the truth, she started to make snappy remarks about me behind my back, which I often heard as if she did that on purpose. But I was so sick of all the fights I had with everyone lately and I often just ignored what she said to keep the peace. But deep down inside, my patience for her was wearing very thin... Meagan is so dependant on Nikki and that really pissed me off... Nikki always had to do everything for her simply because Meagan was either too damn lazy or too stupid to do it... Simple things like doing her own laundry or just cleaning up... Meagan expects that whenever she snapped her fingers, Nikki would do it. And when I told Meagan that Nikki isn't her goddamn housemaid, she was pretty intimidated when I was so angry... I got annoyed by her condescending behaviour all the time but what really annoyed me was when she started to talk back, as if she tried to justify her bitchy behaviour... And Nikki was in the middle of all this whenever Meagan and I had an argument... And I just got so sick of all the fights and I had to get away sometimes otherwise I would've slapped Meagan to get my point across... With a metal knuckle-duster... Real fucking hard on the muzzle...

I wanted to keep the peace between the three of us so I tried to calm down whenever an argument escalated between Meagan and me. Sometimes, I went outside on the balcony to smoke a cigarette or went to Nikki's room to watch TV. But needless to say, that still didn't improve the mood around the house... I even went home once when Meagan pissed me off so much that I was this close to hurt her... Then again, it didn't really take much to piss me off with all the frustrations I had back then... And Nikki...? She didn't like it that Meagan and I constantly had an argument... But I stood up for Nikki, in order to let Meagan help out in the household... It was clear to me that Meagan didn't like me as well, for telling her the truth... And then Meagan started to act her frustrations out on Nikki as well, which pissed me off once more and then everything started all over again... It just seemed like it never ended... Nevertheless, I was there for Nikki and I would stick with her, no matter what... So I endured it as best I could...

With everything that was happening and the frustrations I felt, I figured I had to distract myself by doing something I liked. And I've been meaning to work out again for a long time but I kept procrastinating because I had other things on my mind. Until one day, I was looking at myself in the mirror and saw my belly. I haven't been working out for four years and it really showed... So I decided it was time to stop procrastinating to sign up at Fit & Fun in Ravello.

Blain and Samantha used to accompany me whenever we went to the gym but they weren't around anymore. Nikki didn't seemed to be interested so going to a gym alone for the first time was kind of scary. Lots of new faces and I couldn't help to feel a little insecure the moment I stepped on a treadmill to jog for five kilometres. Nevertheless, I started out very slow, seeing as it has been four years since and figured I shouldn't strain myself. The gym itself was very simple though. Nothing too fancy, which is why the membership was so cheap. Fifteen dinar a month. And the people seemed nice too. An older woman came by and used the treadmill next to mine. She was alone too and it didn't take long before we started to talk about all sorts of things while we were doing our thing. And of course, there are always show offs in a gym but I didn't paid much attention to them. Some of them did notice me, though... Being checked out by others can make a girl feel either insecure or it can boost a girl's self-esteem. Buuuut it can also boost a girl's arrogance... I never really knew what to do whenever someone was checking me out. I don't look at myself like that... Don't know if it makes me feel special... But it's a whole different matter when you're being checked out by someone you have a crush on... Nikki for example...

I've been at the gym for almost two hours and was absolutely shattered once I was done. And I remember thinking that I might've been a little too fanatic after four years of not training... My muscles were aching so bad and every step I took seemed to be a workout of its own but I wanted to go more than anything. So I quickly got dressed and went to Nikki's place. Earlier that day, Nikki called me and asked if I wanted to spend the night at her place and whenever she asked me that, I knew that we would always end up having sex... So no, I didn't mind going to her at all... I figured it was just another way of staying in shape...

Once I arrived at her building complex, Nikki buzzed me through and the moment she opened the door, I kissed her lips as she held me close. As I set the first step in her hallway, I looked around when I smelled the scent of fresh citrus... I wasn't surprised, she cleans her house regularly... It made me think that Nikki is a real neat freak... And it shows whenever you enter her apartment. There's not a speck of dust to be seen, no clothes lying around, no dirty plates whatsoever. The moment I placed my sports bag in the corner of the hallway, Nikki immediately unpacked it, got out my underwear, shorts and sports bra and carried it over to the bathroom where she placed it in her laundry basket... I felt kinda guilty that she did, seeing as it were my clothes and she's the one who's taking care of it. I stood in the doorway, watching her and saw how she placed the basket on top of her washing machine... Then she turned her head and smiled at me when I got in the bathroom... 'Nic, that's really not necessary, I'll wash them when I get home...' 'No, it's okay, I need to fill my washing machine. It'll be dry the next morning.' 'Heh...' 'Anything else that needs washing...?' 'No, thank you... Is it okay if I take a quick shower...?' 'Of course...'

So I turned the shower on and while I waited for the water to turn hot, I got undressed... Nikki looked at me for a short moment and there she went... A couple of moments later, she came back with fresh towels, a washing cloth, shampoo and shower gel... I stood there butt naked in her bathroom as she looked at me for a moment... But then she turned around to walk away... The moment I took her hand, she turned around and faced me... She had this little blush on her face when she looked at my body... But I moved closer to her instead... I placed my hand behind the back of her head as she rested her head against my chest... I closed my eyes and smelled that delicious scent of her hair... The coconut wax she always uses... Nikki puts her hand on my chest fluff and kept fondling it while I caressed the back of her head... 'You look so tired...' she said quietly... 'Yeah... I'll just take a quick shower and lie down for a bit, okay...?' 'Sure...Would you like a cup of tea...?' 'That'll be nice... Thanks...' 'Alright...'

Once Nikki got out of the bathroom, I stepped in the shower cabin and closed the curtains... It didn't took long before I felt the hot steam of the shower surrounding me and I had to catch my breathe a couple of times... Every muscle in my body hurt, especially my back... I placed my right hand on my left shoulder and moved my left arm around slowly... You could hear the joints cracking as I moved around. I did the same with my right arm and felt a sharp pain in my muscles each time I did while I let the hot water run over my body...

About fifteen minutes later, I got out of the shower and dried myself off... Didn't even bother to get dressed... I went to Nikki's bedroom instead and flopped down on my stomach on her bed, and I loved how her bed sheets felt like velvet... Her mattress was thick and soft, and I had the feeling that if I would fall asleep on her bed, I'd be sleeping forever... I wish I could... It didn't take long before my eyelids started to feel heavy... The only sound I heard was the mumbling of the TV in the living-room... I closed my eyes and felt myself drifting away in the most relaxing sleep I've ever had... 'Ceylan...?' 'Mwhuh...?' 'I didn't wake you, did I...?' 'No... No, I was just dozing off...' 'I made you some tea...' 'Thanks, dushi...'

After she placed the cup of tea on her nightstand, she turned around to walk away but I took her hand... It's always so cute whenever Nikki is surprised... It's like she's the most innocent girl on the planet... But the moment I took her hand, I saw her smiling and Nikki sat down on the bed, caressing my hair... 'I thought you wanted to be alone, so...' 'No, it's okay...' 'How was it?' 'Yeah, it was nice... I think I was a little too fanatic when I started though... Every muscle in my body hurt... But I would do anything to get rid of my belly...' 'Well... I don't mind that small belly of yours...' 'You say that now but wait until you can't tell the difference between my ass and my tits anymore.' 'Hehe... Sounds like a challenge...' 'Ha, well, I won't let it get that far...' 'Yeah... You're right... Sex would be a lot more difficult then... Hihi...'

The moment she quietly uttered those words, a cheeky smile appeared on her face as her cheeks turned red... I don't know why but those words really surprised me... I was always the one who brought it up... Nikki never did before... Could it be true then...? Was she finally ready...? "Would she finally go down on me...?" God, I really had my hopes up... 'Soooo... Is that an insinuation I hear from you...?' 'Perhaps... I've been alone all day...' 'Oh...? And what'd you do today...?' 'The usual... Went to college, did groceries... Once I was done with everything, I took a nice hot bath to relax...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And then... I thought of you... What you might do to me if you joined me...' 'You couldn't wait to find out...?' 'No... But... Needless to say, I very much enjoyed that bath...' 'You really wanna know what I'd do to you on the bed...?' 'No but I'd like to find out...'

I took her hands and pulled her down on the bed while I kissed her. It didn't take long before her clothes were flying through the air... So yeah, we were rolling around on her bed and even though my body was aching, I sucked it up while I caressed between her legs and the mood was different than usual. Way more playful and Nikki seemed to enjoy every second of it. The way she smiled, the way she looked at me made me think that she was confident enough to do it... And I really wanted her to... So after fooling around for a while, I did what I usually did to give her the hint to go down on me... Spreading my legs right in front of her... And all of a sudden, BAM! The mood was gone... She simply just froze up and stared at me with a rather puzzled look... "Oh for fucks sake, not again..." Nikki sat up right and didn't look at me anymore... I sighed quietly and sat upright as well... 'What's the matter?' 'Nothing...' 'Talk to me, I think it's very important...' 'I guess I just... You know... Feel confident about it one moment and the next, I'm not...' 'What exactly makes you doubt...?' 'Heh...' 'Nic... Please... I know you're not the one with the biggest self-esteem but this is getting ridiculous...' 'Yeah...' 'Do you even like having sex with me or are you just doing it because you think it's something I expect from you...?' 'Yeah, I-I like it, I really do...' 'Then what's stopping you from doing it...? I mean, is it me or... Do I smell funny down there or do you think it's disgusting...?' 'N-No! No, o-of course not, it's just... I, uhm... I-I don't know how to explain...' 'And you don't have to... If it's something that you're not feeling comfortable with, I totally understand but... I just don't like it that the sex is always one-sided...' 'One-sided...?' 'Yeah... I mean, I do everything you ask me but you're not doing anything I like...' 'Heh...' 'And it's okay if you don't feel comfortable with it but I'm just wondering why, you know...' 'I don't know... It's just that I never did that to anyone before...' 'Do you feel ashamed to do it...?' 'Kind of...' 'But why...?' 'It's... Because I don't know how to do it...'

"That's it? She isn't going down on me simply because she doesn't know how to do it??" Well, I can understand that someone can feel nervous about that sort of thing... After all, you do expect that your lover meets a certain expectation when it comes to having sex... But the thing is, I wasn't expecting anything from her anymore... And you'd think that someone who has bottled up their sexual fantasies for so long would express them in any way imaginable once they have the opportunity with someone. And I gave Nikki lots of opportunities to do so... But she simply never did for reasons I just didn't understand... 'Look... It doesn't matter that you don't know... We all had to learn it...' 'Heh, uhm... How... No, never mind...' 'Tell me, it's okay...' 'How did you learn it...?' 'What do you mean?'

It stayed quiet for a moment when she was taking a deep breath, scraping all of her guts to ask me questions she felt ashamed to ask... So she didn't look at me when she quietly uttered her questions... 'I mean... How did you learn to do it...?' 'Well, I, uhm... Heh... Uh...' 'You don't have to answer if you don't want to but...' 'Uhm... Well, I uh... I have a friend who told me she has bi-curious tendencies... Several years ago, I had a huge crush on her... My friend told me that she wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl... And I just said that it wasn't any different than kissing a guy...' 'Oh...' 'So, yeah...' 'Did you, uh... Did you go "all the way" with this girl...?' 'Uhm... Hehe, this is kind of awkward...' 'I-It's okay... I want you to be truthful...' 'Yes... Yes, we did... And... We both learned a lot from it...' 'Was that your first time with a girl...?' 'No, it wasn't...' 'So... How many girls have you slept with...?' 'Nikki...' 'Please...' 'Why are you so keen on knowing that...? That's not relevant at all... I don't feel comfortable talking about my exes...' 'I just want to know, that's all... You know you're my first but... I-I don't know anything about you... I just want to know about your experiences...'

Nikki looked at me and I honestly couldn't understand why she wanted to know with how many girls I've slept with over the years... I mean, was it relevant for her to know...? I suppose not... I didn't think of it back then but right now, I'm thinking that Nikki had the feeling that it was some kind of competition... Who was the best, so to speak... Feeling a certain pressure can make you do strange things... Asking these kind of questions, for example... I would know, I've been there too... But nevertheless, I wasn't thinking too much about it back then... I just looked at her and sighed quietly... I know I have no secrets for Nikki... I suppose my previous sex life shouldn't have been a secret to her as well... So after a moment of silence, I answered her truthfully... 'Uhm... I've slept with four girls throughout my life, including you... And well, I also had Terry and... Another male friend of mine but obviously, they're not girls... But all those experiences with girls has taught me a lot of things...' 'Oh... I see...' 'Sex has so many different meanings to me and... I don't really know what drives me to have sex with someone... I make things difficult for someone who comes too close to me, just to see if someone is willing to go through all that... And if someone does, it lets me know that they really love me for who I am and not for what I have to offer, so to speak... That way, you get to know someone who they truly are... Sometimes it worked out, but most of the time, it didn't, simply because people couldn't handle all the bullshit I've put them through...' 'Like you did with Terry...' 'Like I did with Terry, yes... Terry was able to handle it, except I was the one who fucked it up...' 'B-But you never make things difficult for me...' 'No... But that's because I know you...' 'Heh...' 'Sex is sacred to me... And... I sure as hell don't give myself to anyone just like that... People need to earn me, so to speak... To me, intimacy is very important... Almost emotional, not being able to express myself in words of how much you mean to me... But instead, trying to make you feel the way I want you to feel... You're special to me and I want you to feel that way...' 'Heh...' 'And people I've been with in the past have always made me feel special whenever it happened...' 'Did you like it...?' 'Yes, I really did... But I just wish you could just give in...'

I looked at her but she wasn't looking back at me... The moment she did, I saw something in her eyes that I just couldn't really place... She seemed to be more insecure than she already was... I had the feeling that I shouldn't have answered those questions of her and that I shouldn't have gone into detail what intimacy means to me... I thought that Nikki felt the pressure of meeting a certain expectation of exes that I had in the past... A certain expectation that Nikki wasn't ready to meet just yet... Telling her that I've slept with four girls and two boys throughout my life made me feel as if Nikki was put off by that... "God, I can't believe I just told her all that..." Fucking hell, I can honestly not tell you how much I regretted that... I looked at Nikki who was just staring at the wall... So I sat behind her and clenched my arms around her stomach as I whispered in her ear... 'I know what you're thinking, dushi... But... That was many years ago...' 'Yeah...' 'We're in the present now and I love you very much... You're the only one for me, you know that, right...? And I already told you to take your time and that I don't want to force you into it... I understand, more than you would ever know...' 'Heh...' 'It'll come, sweetheart... Don't worry...' 'Maybe...' 'I know it will... And I want you to enjoy it in every way you can... But maybe you're just thinking too much about it... There's no need to feel ashamed...' 'Heh... I'm just... You know...' 'Tell me...' 'I'm just afraid that you don't like it if I would try something... And... I-I know you've been with other girls before and... You're just way more experienced than I am...' 'Does that make you feel insecure...?' 'Very...' 'Why...?' 'Because it makes me feel as if I've got nothing to offer you...' 'Nikki... Just because sex is important to me doesn't mean our relationship is based on that...' 'I-I know but... Heh...' 'It's okay...'

Despite the fact that our little talk didn't solved anything, I still wanted to give her what she wanted... To make her feel the way I want her to feel... So my hands were caressing her stomach and slowly found their way between her legs... Rubbing her up and down finally made her relax and let go of all the worries she had... Nikki tilted her head back the moment I bit her neck-scruff while she had her eyes closed... I know how it feels when someone does... And I could tell that she enjoyed it very much... My fingers found their way inside her... Prodding her at first and teasing by gently twisting her nipples... I could hear her breathing... Heard her moaning when I found her clitoris... Making her lie down on her bed, kissing and licking between her legs... Playing with her breasts... Me scissoring on top of her... Seeing her so carried away in ecstasy always did something to me... Seeing her like that always added to my pleasures... It made me think I did a great job at it... But still, she couldn't give in... My sexual desires were neglected by her... So it didn't take long before seeing her in a state of ecstasy wasn't satisfying me anymore...

Even though my sexual desires were neglected, I kept on... Why, you may ask...? Don't know... I guess I felt that she expected it from me... The thing is, I didn't want to force her into it. But she could at least do other things to please me, right...? Even simple things like fingering me or even playing with my breasts was too much to ask for... I always figured that she would catch on eventually by mimicking the things I did to her. But she never did... Nikki was held back by someone or something while I never knew why. It just doesn't come natural with her and what really bothered me was that I always had to "ask" Nikki for some affection... She would only kiss me if I kissed her first... She would never kiss me first... Nikki would sit on my lap and cuddle me but that's all that ever came from her side, if you know what I mean. And I figured that it wouldn't be any different with our sex-life... Needless to say, my sexual frustrations only grew the longer I was being neglected during sex... And this never happened to me before... No one had ever trouble to go down on me or to have sex with me in general but it seemed that Nikki really did and I started to think that it was me. That I actually smelled bad down there and that she was put off by that... Well, I can honestly tell you that you feel very embarrassed when you think you do... But even paying extra attention "down under" while taking a shower didn't do the trick... At first, I had the feeling Nikki was just feeling insecure about it and everything but for some reason or another, I couldn't help to think that there was more to it... And I tried to let go of that whole "Terry slept with Nikki" scenario but still, it was gnawing me in the back of my mind... But I also thought that I shouldn't be thinking too much about it before I started to create problems again that weren't there in the first place... Being in a relationship with Nikki is just so difficult yet so rewarding to me, even though the sex wasn't exactly how I imagined... I was still sexually frustrated... So I had to find another way to satisfy my needs and I embraced the most oldest and noblest of traditions... I masturbated... A lot...

Two months without satisfaction is a long time, you know. The sex I had in my relationships so far have always been two-sided, even when Samantha and I agreed to be fuck buddies... And all of that was just gone and I kept on giving and giving but Nikki never gave anything back to me. And that really started to trouble me because not only did I noticed it during sex but also whenever we were just hanging out together sometimes, watching a movie or pretty much anything. Conversations just dropped dead occasionally and I had the feeling that we didn't always had anything to tell each other... And let me be clear, this was nothing like the girl I fell in love with... Sure, Nikki was shy and timid before I got together with her but she was so much more talkative and even looked happier... But now, she was so much different that I barely recognized her... And then one night, I seriously started to think that my relationship with her might be jeopardized if things continued the way they were... That it was slowly going downhill with her... And I figured I really had to talk to someone to get some advice about my sex life and to make things better for the both of us... Except I just didn't know who to go to...

It always seems so easy and straight-forward but things were different in my situation. I wanted to talk about the things that were bothering me in my relationship but mostly about sex... And that's perfectly fine if you're straight because your mother knows exactly how you feel. But would Catherine also know anything about pleasing women and being in a relationship with one...? I figured Catherine wouldn't be the right person to ask because of this... But also because I could tell that despite the fact she told me that she was okay with my bi-sexuality, she still had difficulty to accept it... Simon would be able to relate, seeing as he's a guy and that he had experiences with women as well, just like I did... But talking to him about my love and sex life would make me feel exposed because well, he's still like a father to me... Males and females have a different perspective of sex and it's experienced differently by them. Which is why I had so much trouble talking to Simon about it, simply because even though we're both attracted to women, we still experience it differently... It's the exact same reason why boys don't discuss their sex life with their mother... Not because they give crappy advise but it's because girls experience sex way different than boys do and I couldn't really imagine if Simon understood what sex actually means to me. So yeah, I had a bit of a pickle and had no idea who to talk to, who was able to give me advice I could actually use. Sure, there was the internet with all of its answers to anything but the internet could not give me the answer I needed in my situation... And I was thinking and thinking about it and it drove me insane that the answers always eluded me whenever I needed them the most...

One day, I sat at the kitchen table and thought things through while staring at my textbook, even though I was supposed to study for an upcoming test... But I just couldn't focus because it had me busy until it was the only thing I could think about. Catherine noticed it and sat with me at the table... 'What's the matter, honey?' 'Nothing...' 'I know those droopy ears of yours...' 'Heh... Well, I'm pretty sure it's something you wouldn't like to hear... And... I really don't know who I should go to for advice...' 'You can tell me, dear...' 'Nothing, I just...' 'What's wrong?' 'Never mind... Forget what I said...'

I appreciated that she asked and actually showed interest in my relationship with Nikki... But for some reason, I really didn't want to talk about it with Catherine, simply because she still had difficulty to accept my bi-sexuality... 'It's keeping you busy for several days now, is it...?' 'Yeah... I just get the feeling that things aren't going so well between Nikki and me...' 'Oh...' 'Heh, told you that you wouldn't like to hear it...' 'How does being with her makes you feel...?' 'Don't know anymore, that's the thing...' 'What exactly is wrong with your love-life...?' 'Heh, uhm... Catherine, I really appreciate what you're trying to do but we don't have to talk about this if it makes you feel uncomfortable...'

There was this awkward silence for a moment... Catherine didn't look at me after that... And I stared right back in my textbook as the questions I had circulated my mind once more... I took a deep breath and sighed when I had my eyes closed for a moment until Catherine broke the silence... 'You're right... It does make me feel uncomfortable... But I also feel that I have to in order to understand and to accept it...' 'What do you mean...?' 'I was raised as an orthodox protestant by my parents. See, the thing is, religion is never a choice when you grow up with religious parents. They simply just tell you what to believe and what you have to accept as your truth.' 'Heh...' 'We were always told that gay or lesbian people are wrong and carry a disease that has to be eradicated as quickly as possible. And if you hear that long enough, you actually start to believe it...' 'Yeah...' 'A lot of things happened to me that made me doubt my faith when I was just a teen for seeing things differently. And you know it yourself, you discover things at that age as a young girl. And I had so many questions about sex but my mother never talked to me about it simply because it was a taboo...' 'Heh...' 'And when I became pregnant of Kaelyn, my entire family disowned me because I had sex before marriage and several other things I did...' 'What does disowned mean...?' 'It means that your family isn't accepting you anymore as one of their own... To be cast out, sort to speak.' 'Oh, I see... Go on...' 'But despite losing my family, I still held on to the only things that I ever knew.' 'You mean that you still thought that gay sex and everything is wrong, even after your family disowned you...?' 'Yes... It was all I had and all I knew... And when you told me about your bi-sexuality, I had no idea how to accept the fact that you slept with girls before... It's not that I want to prevent you to be together with a girl because I can't... I just don't know how to deal with it, seeing as I've always been told that it is wrong... But it's just the way it is... I talked to Simon and grandma a lot in order for me to understand and to accept it... But the only logical answer for me is that I talk to you about it... Because you're still my daughter and I want you to be happy... And if a girl can make you happy, who am I to tell you that it's wrong...? It's your life, sweetheart, not mine...'

I looked at Catherine and saw that she meant what she said... Catherine and I have had a lot of arguments in the past because of our differences... For seeing things differently... But after hearing those words, I couldn't help but to smile a little... A weak smile, yes, knowing she couldn't provide me the answers I needed... But a smile nevertheless... It's strange how one simple thing can change someone's perspective on something... And even though we said horrible things to each other before, it didn't matter to me... That one moment changed everything... And I really appreciated that she was at least trying to understand... 'Heh... Thank you...' 'You love her a lot, don't you...?' 'I do, yeah... It's because she's very caring and would do pretty much everything for me... And I don't really know what to tell about my relationship with her, because it's not any different than other relationships in my eyes...' 'I see...' 'Maybe you wanted to hear something different but I honestly can not tell you what's different other than the fact that she's a girl... Heh... But... I get the feeling that things aren't going so great between the two of us...' 'What makes you say that?' 'It's just a feeling I have and I don't know what she thinks of it because we never talk about it.' 'Then perhaps you should bring up the subject some time.' 'That's the thing... I don't know how to bring it up because Nikki is just so fragile and insecure about herself... And I thought that having a girlfriend would give a major boost to her self-esteem but she only seems to get more insecure about herself that I actually start to think that I'm the problem... I just don't know what I'm doing wrong and how to solve that...'

I saw the look in Catherine's eyes... Being so open to her about my orientation for the first time made her think... It gave me the feeling that she could relate to me and that I was right when I said that its not any different from any other relationships... I suppose that everyone went through similar phases when they're in a relationship with someone... It also made me realize why it was so difficult for her, simply because she couldn't recognize herself... But looking in her eyes made me see something I haven't seen before... Catherine was able to relate to me in some way... She must've felt the same things in her relationship... 'I know how that feels...' 'Heh...' 'It's difficult to solve that if you don't know what you're doing wrong.' 'Exactly but Nikki never tells me what's wrong, she always keeps it to herself... But despite all that, I keep telling her that I love her, to make her feel better about it but I get the feeling that I'm going nowhere by telling her that...' 'How does that make you feel about your relationship with her?' 'One sided, actually...' 'What do you mean?' 'I basically have to ask to get hugged or kissed by her... I do it all the time but she never does that out of her own, as if she wants to keep me at a distance and only lets me close whenever she wants me to... And I... I-I don't want that, you know...? I just want her to come up to me, kiss me and tell me that she loves me first before I do... But she just doesn't and I don't know why... I know she loves me but she just doesn't show it...' 'Maybe it's best that you bring it up if you really feel that way...' 'I just don't know how to bring it subtle without putting her off... Every time I talk to her, she nods and tells me that she understands but I always get the feeling that she doesn't and that she's being put off by the things I tell her...' 'Perhaps... But it's best that you do. Your frustrations will only grow the longer you bottle it up and I can imagine that it makes you feel pretty insecure about yourself as well...' 'Yeah, it really does...' 'After all, she wouldn't know unless you tell her.' 'Yeah but the thing is, she's like that with everything...' 'What do you mean...?' 'Well, you know... "Everthing"...' 'Oh! Oh... Well, I uh...' 'But, uhm... It's not necessary to bring that up... It's a whole different story so...'

Catherine had a nervous little smile on her face the moment I told her... I smiled weakly back at her and I can honestly say I felt embarrassed after that... Something told me that she wasn't quite comfortable with that just yet and I understand... I don't have a lot of difficulty to talk about sex with friends but it's different with your family... And let's be honest: I wouldn't be comfortable as well if Catherine discussed her sex life with me...

That night, while I was in bed, I thought of everything that has been said and done... Truth be told, I really appreciated that Catherine came up and talked to me, showing interest in my relationship as a way to understand. But I still wasn't able to get the answers I needed and I had no idea who could... Deep down inside, I knew that Nikki was the only one who could give me answers... But she didn't, simply because she either didn't know or didn't want to give me the answers... Something happened with her that changed everything... Something that made her doubt not only about herself, but perhaps also about me... Something that made her feel so ashamed... And I could still hear Terry's words echoing throughout my head... "She told me that she had known me for so many years now and always had certain feelings that she wasn't able to place... She told me that before but... I know Nikki's not like that and I never did anything whenever we had those talks... But that night, in a moment of weakness, I took advantage of the situation... I took advantage of her trust... And... The two of us slept with each other that night..."

All of a sudden, it didn't seem like a bullshit story anymore that Terry made up ... And I didn't really know what I felt that night... It wasn't jealousy or anything... Incomprehension was more like it... The lack of understanding why made it all the more frustrating for me... And even though I wasn't a hundred percent sure of it, I had my suspicion that it actually did happen... So how was I able to confront her with something like that if Nikki has trouble to speak up her mind...? I started to think that Nikki wasn't just insecure about the sex... I think that Nikki was scared of our relationship... Scared of me... Scared of all the expectations I had of her and everything that comes in a relationship... I understand... But it's because of her that I too started to feel insecure... Not just about my relationship with her but also about myself... If your partner never gives you an answer or speak up their mind whenever things go bad, you automatically assume that you're the problem... So perhaps I was looking in the wrong direction for an answer... And perhaps I should've looked at myself instead to see what I was doing wrong that made her act like that...