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Chapter 3: Back to the Old Grind

"I hate flying in planes. I HATE IT!" yelled Stockings, the people around him giving him a cold stare. "S...sorry..."

The voice over the speaker was intelligible, he'd just gotten finished with the security check, which was hell since he had a plate in his arm, he got bumped to coach because the airline just fucking felt like it, and now the food he was about to enjoy was Grade-A microwave chicken. Today hasn't been a good day for poor Stockings. That is, until...SHE came along. "Speak of the devil," he said to himself as Leo hopped into the seat next to him, sitting rigid and listing things off like a drill instructor. Her breasts scraped across the tray as she flipped it up, like the video said to do.

Mmm...tits.

Stockings snapped out of his erotic stupor and turned his traaaaay in the upright position while keeping his seeeeeat up straight and faaa-aa-aastening his seatbeeeeelt. The little jingle on the video was handy. The plane lurched forward as they took off, and when they were safely in the air, Stockings unbuckled himself. Not a second later than he had gotten up, an old woman screamed in the back of the section. Being the go-to guy he is, our hero took a piss real fast, then wandered over to the lady. "Got a problem?" he asked, stroking his scruffy chin. "Someone's stolen my necklace!" she said, showing the empty pocket in her purse to him. "They must have taken it while I was sleeping!" Stockings heard footsteps behind him and turned around, only to get the shit scared out of him when Leo was mere inches away. "A crime, you say?" she asked nobody, planting her hands on her hips like Superman. "We're on it!"

"Leo, no we're not," pleaded Stockings. "Oh, come oooooon," she begged. "It'll be an old sleuthing exercise, like the good old day-" and that's where she stopped herself, dropping her head when Stockings shot her a dry-ice glare. "Shut up Leo." Stockings never had a good old day. Borrowed time, borrowed time, borrowed time. "Okay, I'm sorry..." she said, moping. "Can we please do this, though? It'll be fast!" Stockings looked away, then sighed and frowned. "Fine, but just this once," he growled. Leo jumped up and down, those delectable Ds jumping with her, and he found the power to grin once more.

Stockings turned to the old lady. "Now, what did you see?" "Well," she explained, "I was sleeping. I felt a tugging around my neck, and then when I woke up, the necklace was gone!" "That's all you saw?" he asked, getting a sad-clown face. He hated it when he had to work with nothing. "No," she said, and his ears perked back up. "I saw someone in a suit, but I don't remember which color. I'm forgetful. He ran through the kitchen." Stockings thanked her for her time as Leo got done snooping around. "I don't see any footprints, boss," she said, smiling at him. "Boss? Don't." he replied, waving her off. "Follow me into the kitchen." The stewardess at the front let him in when he flashed his badge, and Leo followed, sticking her tongue out.

It was tiny, about the size of a corridor-built home kitchen. Everything was strewn everywhere, like the guy had a hell of a time. "Why would someone keep drinks on the floor?" asked Leo, pointing to an overturned case of soda, which was spilled. "I don't know, maybe they just didn't have enough room? Why are you asking so many questions?" Stockings shot back, trying to get her to hush so he could concentrate, as he flipped things over and surveyed the scene. He walked over to a cook and asked him if he'd seen anybody come through here. "¿Que?" was the response. He blew out a heavy sigh and went to the next cook.

"Did anyone come through here?" Stockings pressed, gripping the guy's shoulder. He wasn't much better at English than the other guy, but he could at least speak some. "Eh, is in...is in...suit?" "Thanks, buddy. Uh...grash-e-is." Stockings wasn't very good at Spanish. He exited the kitchen through the door leading to first-class, which was full of guys in suits. "God dammit! Who the hell in here heard anything about a god damn stolen necklace?!" yelled Stockings, boiling over with frustration over how this was going so far. Everyone gave him blank stares, until one man stood up and pointed to the man in front of him. "It was him!" he shouted, and the accused stood up and pointed towards another man in the opposite isle. "No, it was him!" the second man shouted. The newest suspect bolted out of his chair and thrust his finger towards the man who first stood up. "You fucking liar! It was totally him! I saw him!"

Stockings connected his face to his palm and then took a deep breath in. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, GOD DAMMIT!" he screamed, everyone seemingly frozen in time, Leo poking around the corner, her hair seeming to be standing on end. "Okay, what the fuck did you see?" he asked the first guy that stood up. The man looked confused, and pointed to himself. "Yes, you!" Stockings confirmed, and the guy ID'd himself as Gary. "Alright Gary, tell me what you saw."

Gary calmed down and started talking quietly. "Well, I was walking through coach because I have some friends that sat there, and after we talked for a while, I got up and went through the kitchen. When I walked through, there was nobody in there, and stuff was all over the floor! I came here and sat down and saw the bastard in front of me pocket a necklace!"

Stockings pulled the second man up next. His name was Jose. "Tell me what you saw, sir," said the detective.

"Well," Jose started, "I was here, and I couldn't find the bathroom. I got up and walked through the kitchen, asking the cooks if they had any idea where the bathroom is. It's actually kinda embarrassing...although my name is Jose, I speak no Spanish. So when I finally found someone who could help me, I went to the bathroom back there," he said, pointing to the white door behind him labeled "lavatory". Behind the door was a hallway to the back of the plane, where they stored food. "When I came out, this man across from me was stuffing a necklace in his pocket!"

The man across the aisle stood up, visibly aggravated. "Now listen, I know it was this son of a bitch Gary! I'm Tom, by the way. Gary did it! I got up and went through the kitchen because I was fucking hungry and those good-for-nothing cooks can't fix food any faster than they can jump over the border!" Jose jumped on Tom at this comment and it took both Leo and Stockings to pull him off. Now the two were separated, and Tom started talking again. "I got a stain on my pants, so I came back in here to dry 'em and rest and sit down and get my rocks off in the bathroom, yeah, I'm not gonna fuckin lie, when Jose came in and ran in there like he ran from border patrol! I had to wait forever for him to get out just so I could jack off!"

Stockings put his hand to his chin and thought. The criminal had to have some kind of distinction that made him stand out. One was a normal white guy, one was Mexican, and the other...the other was Tom. Racist to the max, Stockings thought, and that's when something hit him.

"Tom, why didn't you pick Jose as the one that stole the necklace?" Stockings asked with a furrowed brow. "Everyone knows spics can't do SHIT right, and that's all he was doing, anyways. He never came in with nothing, never sat down with nothing," he replied. Stockings nodded and turned towards Jose. "Jose, why didn't you blame Gary?" "Gary just came in and sat down," he said. "He looked a little flushed though, like he'd been running..."

"WHAT?!" screamed Gary. "Are you implying that I took the necklace too? What the fuck is this, Hate Gary Day? You just said you saw me with nothing!" "Calm down, buddy. Calm down," Stockings told him, rubbing his shoulders. "Why didn't you pick Tom, Gary?" "Well," Gary started, cooling off a bit and breathing regularly again, "it's because Tom wasn't here when we both sat down."

"He...wasn't?" Stockings said, looking at him. "I told you," Tom said angrily, "I was yanking it in the bathroom!" Stockings took all three of the men inside the kitchen without saying anything, with Leo following behind him, and walked in to find only one cook. Stockings hoped it was the one that spoke English. "Hello!" said the chef. "I see you are having the...sus...pects?" "Yes, suspects," said Stockings, and the chef was obviously proud of himself. "Mister Detective Shocksings, none of the mans here is the mans I saw!" Stockings shook his head and asked, "Where is the other cook?" "Oh," said the chef. "He went on his break, he was a new guy. Just started today, I am guessing."

"Ay Dios Mios..." said Jose. "When are we getting out of here?" "What?" asked Stockings. His Spanish was horrible, as before stated. "He said, 'Oh my God,'" said Tom, then he quickly covered his mouth. "Wait a minute, how do you know Spanish if you hate Mexicans so much?" asked Leo, finally opening her mouth. "Well little GIRLY," said Tom, "you have to learn it in school."

Stockings gasped and all of a sudden it hit him. He knew who did it! He struck a pose and pointed his finger, then just kinda slumped over and sighed. "No. No fucking explanations that are supernatural, this one's easy as hell. I'm too fucking tired to deal with this."

"Tom, it was you."

Tom lunged at Stockings, but a well-placed boot to his ribs stopped him a little short. "Look at his pants. Stains," he said. "Stains from kicking over that soda crate when he ran through here. I've never seen a thief that was smart enough to go into disguise, but you...are something else. Dressing up like a cook just so you'd have an alibi. Here's what you did, here's your perfect crime. You know the old lady, don't you Tom? That's why she didn't do anything when you got near her purse. Then, you took the necklace, scrambled into the bathroom after Jose, and changed your clothes into a cook uniform that you packed yesterday, coming out with a box of food from the back of the plane so it looked like you got off break. I still don't know why you blamed Gary, but your crime ends now. Where'd you put the necklace?"

Tom looked up, and croaked out, "My...my sock..." before passing out. After an inspection, sure enough, Leo pulled out a pearl necklace, which she gave back to the old lady. She was very happy. Onboard security had Tom in a holding cell, while Stockings went back to his seat, feeling refreshed. "Doesn't it feel good to help others?" asked Leo.

"Not really," replied Stockings. "I just wanted to kick Tom because he's a fucking dick."

Then Stockings slept.