His Guilt
A short piece I wrote about five years ago. Not supremely artistic, or anything, but I thought I'd stuff it here for safekeeping.
His love.
All my life, it was spoken with an utter reverence, as if it alone were held high above all other rewards and joys. Indeed, since my birth, this was to be the goal of my existence. It brought comfort, meaning, joy, and most importantly, an indescribable peace to those who could attain it. It was this love that I sought mercilessly for nearly my whole life. Without relent, I searched and searched, my reward narrowly escaping my grasp at every turn. I often encouraged others to search for it, falsely proclaiming that I had, indeed, found this love. I told convincing tales of the great benefits that had rewarded my search, of my comfort, of my renewed sense of meaning, of a swelling joy in the face of life and its hardships. I publicly declared myself a partaker in the great inner-peace that came with this gift of grace. Externally, I was truly content.
Internally, I was ravaged and scarred. I searched everywhere and came up empty-handed each time. My mind twisted and writhed nightly, picking apart my day and loathing what I had become. It hated who I was, how I lied each day, how I wasted precious moments, hours, and months trying so desperately hard to believe something I knew was not true. It hated how I sat in judgement of those below me, those that I had told of this wonderful gift of love who all just ignored it and continued to live as creatures of the night in darkness. I held myself in high regard over these sad and piteous lives.
It hated that.
I hated that.
So long I hopelessly chased. I knew nothing else. How could I? After all, my wretched, righteous life was all I had ever known. Periodically, I would believe that I had finally achieved my peace, finally grasped His love. In truth, I had only found guilt. His guilt.
Only when I turned my judgmental gaze upon myself, did I truly see what my helpless search had created. Once I saw what I had become, I began to change my ways. I stopped pursuing my fleeting reward, and sat to rest. In that very moment, something washed over me. I let go of my vain, clutching desire for closure on my life's lie, and suddenly found it: My peace. The very thing I had longed for my entire life, was within myself the entire time. I was simply destroying my personality and shutting it out.
I can never change who I was, unfortunately. I can never go back and erase the things I have done to hurt others. Worse still, I cannot step into my past and prevent myself from helping others to start down the same unholy path that consumed my peace. That is my biggest regret: lying to others and convincing them to begin replacing their peace with His guilt, all so I would feel more validated in walking the path I was stuck on. You are too many to count, I'm afraid, but I sincerely apologize to all of you.
I turn now to my life in the darkness. I am a creature of the night, and the night is truly beautiful. It is tranquil and placid; its peace abounds. In society, I can now respect those around me and care for them. Alone in the night, I can respect and care for myself. My life of lies has been cast forever to the realm of the past and locked away there. It has not been forgotten, though. Indeed, it must not be forgotten, for its lessons are paramount to this life of darkness. Thusly, I can still happen upon remnants of this previous life and remember what I have learned, as I have done here this day.
May I forever rest in this darkness, in my peace. May I never forget His guilt.