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It seemed a little crazy to me. I mean, I had never been out of the country before, but I figured this was as good of a reason to as any. There was a convention that I was planning to go to in London, and a good friend of mine, Karelwolf, actually lived in the area. We only knew each other from online, but I found him to be a funny guy to hang out with whenever he was online. It was the perfect chance to meet an online friend in real life and for us to hang out together. Am I right?

Well, it didn't start off too well for me. The first problem was with the flight across the Atlantic. Now, I had flown before, but this was a non-stop flight across the ocean. The ocean! The best seat I could afford was in coach, and I found myself in a dreaded situation. One, I had the aisle seat: never a good thing. Whenever the carts came around, I somehow always managed to have my elbows knocked off of me. The stewardess was a jittery chipmunk, and it was apparently her first international flight. It was mine too, you know. We're both a little nervous, but that's not enough of an excuse for me to have to wear elbow pads on the plane. Anyway, secondly: I had to sit next to a whiny brat. Now don't get me wrong, I like kids. They can be okay up to a certain point. I get that they're curious and excited. I was like that as a colt too. I was also a strange colt that would spout random lines at times if they somewhat pertained to the situation, but I at least knew when to shut up!! The young bat next to me seemed to be in a contest of how long she could scream until she feinted, which--thank God--she eventually did. All this plus being in a cramped jet plane, being forced to stay still, and a 6 and a half hour ride across a vast floor of blue almost drove me insane! That had to be the worst flight I had ever had in my entire life...and hopefully it will be.

When we finally touched down, I had to rub my jaw in order for the twitch and tightness to let go, but at least I had a distraction because surprise of all surprises, I actually ran into Karel at the airport. I had only informed him that I was going to be coming to London to take in some of my English ancestry, meet him, and check out the con, but I never told him what flight I was going to be on. Was that brown wolf a sight for sore eyes. Despite not having seen him before, he never did put up a profile picture, I strangely recognized him. It was a rather funny feeling, like I was greeting a distant relative who I saw a lot when I was younger but hadn't seen for years. He even offered to put me up, to save me from the overcrowded rooms of the hotel. Good thing too, I had some major jet lag to recover from, and I probably wasn't going to get much of a chance at the convention's hotel.

Karel joined me that weekend at the convention. Quite a fun time of scrounging around the Art Dealer's Den, taking in some interesting panels, late night drinking and cavorting. An excellent weekend with some excellent company. Even more so the days after. I was able to afford a week's long vacation. The day after, he showed me around London, acting as an unofficial tour guide. He even saved my hair. Me, being the dumb tourist that I was, decided to try and pull off the typical prank on trying to distract the Palace Guards. He stopped me just as I was about to throw a cherry bomb at one of them. Needless to say that I wouldn't be getting my tea and biscuits that afternoon if he didn't stay my hoof. I felt really stupid too for losing my head like that.

The next day was where things got really interesting...You know how it can be with internet friends. There's only so much you can communicate about when you're not face-to-face. Plus, it's easier to hide things from them too, more so if you're only form of communication was through comment threads.

We were sitting at his breakfast table, munching and conversing over coffee and tea, which I was slightly surprised at. I made a little joke about it. "Coffee as well, huh?" I said, "How un-English of you."

Karel was good sport and knew how to take a joke. "Yes, perhaps I'm not English at all. I must be a Frog!"

"A frog! Good sir," I said, putting on the dapper-gentleman voice, "what are doing here across the pond?"

"Aye might say de same ting ouf you, English pig doug," he responded.

"Ha-ha. That French accent is terrible."

"And what about you, Sir Monocle?"

"That's Sir Fussypants to you, dear Frog. My monocle is in the shop." As stupid as that was, Karel laughed anyway.

He sat down with his cup of coffee with cream, "So tell me, Mr. Purgie..."

"Heh, you know my real name, mate."

"Yeah, but it works. Anyway, Mr. Purgie, what do you think of jolly old England?"

"It's a very nice place. I mean, I haven't seen too much of the countryside yet, but London itself is actually a sleek looking place."

"Sleek?" Karel chuckled. "My goodness, you're really are a country horse."

"Hey!" I said with a smirk, "I'm not so country...I'm also a little bit rock and roll."

Karel pawed his muzzle. "Oh, that's bad."

"I get it from my father."

"Don't we all?"

"Agreed," I said with a grin. I reached my hoof forward to grab a muffin at the center of the table.

"You a muffin equine?"

"Huh?"

"Just a curious question."

"Oh well, not really. I'm more of a bagel horse myself."

"Hmm...Well, I can't really start my day without one."

"Guess that explains your cupboard," I said referring to the one behind me with my head. "I almost started to think you ran your own bakery."

"I know what I like."

"Mmhm," I said taking a bite. Blueberry. "I'm kinda curious why you don't many different varieties. I mean, most of them look rather plain."

"I know what I like," he said again.

"Yeah, but don't you get any chocolate chip ones? I'd think those would be among the most popular choices." When I look back on it, I remember Karel had a very slight glare in his eyes, but it didn't seem like anything to me then. I had dismissed it and continued, "Oh! Or maybe have a blueberry, chocolate chip muffin!"

This was when Karel growled, "No! Blueberry muffins...I will have no fraternization between muffin types." Karel's muzzle began to foam.

Now here's where not having face-to-face experience with your friends can get a little troublesome, reading their expressions. Although some areas of body language is universal, there are some slight differences between people in which expressions they use or indicators to know if they're just pulling your leg or not. I took his foaming at the muzzle to mean something else. "No fraternization at all? Heh, your muzzle says it rather sounds like a good idea. I'd quite agree with it." I bit into the muffin again.

Karel reached over and swiped it out of my hoof, knocking it to the floor. The wolf in front of me was trembling and his voice was very slow and deliberate. "Only mint chocolate or toffee and coffee are permissible mixes in one sacred muffin! The rest are abominations unto MUFFINAR, KING OF THE MUFFINS!!!"

I could have sworn that he had sounded angry. I placated, "Whoa...sorry, mate. I didn't know it was that important." My face was tense, anxious. "Heh, not much of a muffin connoisseur myself."

"Well, it is important. You want to know why?" Karel gave me a nasty grin.

In all of the conversations that we had had since the time that I knew him, nothing would have prepared me for what I was about to see. One of Karel's brown paws reached behind him and pulled on something. The distinct sound of an opening zipper rang in my ears. His 6ft. lupine form was morphing in front of me as the zipper sounds continued. He was becoming impossibly wider, especially at his head almost as if he were..."You wanna know why it's so important to me, Purgie?" he asked as his wolf form just flopped down onto the ground. "It's because I AM A MUFFIN!"

My mouth was agape. Of all things, my English friend was a muffin! I had to be coy about it though. "Nah," I said after a moment, "that can't be." Despite our friendship, I had no choice as to what was coming next. "If you're a muffin, then I'd have to be..." I reached behind my back and pulled out a large spoon. A spoon so large that it looked like it was a gag-gift, but my muzzle was stern and serious. I pointed it into the air and shouted, "My spoon is too big!" Lighting struck the spoon and enveloped my body. My equine form morphed, elongating and thinning at my head and lower half. They arched outward, forming a crescent shape. My 6ft. self formed into something new as I proclaimed, "I AM A BANANA!"

The muffin just stared at me, the banana, looking unimpressed. "Well that's just silly." The muffin brought out a giant bowl of milk. "Try this on for SIZE, Banana." The Muffin Man jumped into the bowl. He instantly started to swell as the liquid was absorbed into his body. His muffin top head rose higher above me, looming, reaching twice his original size.

I stared stoicly at him, trotted over and smacked my face into his smooshy, porous body. Slurp, slurp, slurp, was what the muffin heard. He hardly had any time to enjoy his newfound size as he started to wilt. "Oh, you filthy little banana!" he cursed.

When I had finished, his muffin top had lost its form and draped over him, looking a lump of a former proud muffin. I stared at him blankly, chanting, "I am a BANANA!"

"This, we have established," Muffin Man said in response. The center of his muffin top started to droop inward and his bottom was pooling.

I started at his sagging form blankly, chanting, "I am a BANANA!"

He did not last long, as Muffin Man started to look like a milky muffin soup in his bowl. He managed to croak out, "And I am a muffin. Truly...we live the d...dream, my friend."

I, the banana, jumped into the muffin soup and floated for a while. I stared blankly, chanting, "I am a BANANA." The Muffin Man had not but the sound of bubbles in response. I, the banana, looked curiously down, chanting, "I am a BANANA?" The bubbles continued...then silence...then a wet fart. I looked behind to find that it was none but I. Floating stoically did I return to, chanting, "I am a BANANA!" I would have kept on floating lazily throughout the day, but the milk began to curdle. A fragile banana, such as I, could not stand such filth. In order to prevent further degradation of my victory pool, I pushed the bowl into the giant fridge from whence it came. Closing the door on myself, it was then that I finally gave pause to gloat, chanting, "I-am-a-banana!"

Now, I blame the nature of my banana ways, seeing as I'm a banana, but I had little vitamin A inside me, so my eyes had not been able to fully adjust to the darkness of the fridge quite yet. However, it was unmistakable that I heard something happening in the direction of the bowl that I had placed in the fridge. I chanted, "I am a banana?"

The bowl clinked in the darkness. I could start to see its shadow. A larger shadow, emanating gurgling noises, was climbing out of the bowl. I heard a heavy, wet slap. The dark being seemed to have made a footstep. It was at that point that I could finally start to see. In front of me stood a grotesque, semi-solid mass of a bowl-shaped muffin! It stumbled, finding its balance. I chanted, "I am a BANANA!"

The monster slurped and sloshed, an opening forming where its mouth used to be. A thick, noxious cloud escaped from its hole, and the bowl-shaped form reached out toward me. It appeared to a hand, deforming and enlarging, struggling to hold its shape. "MMMMMUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!" The creature shambled toward me.

I showed no fear for the monstrosity, knowing that it would only encourage it. I stared stoically. "Banana?" It was obvious that its goal was the destruction of the banana, which was I. Seeking defense, I turned to my left and found a butter dish with a large knife still implanted in it. I removed it and shouted, "I AM A BANANA!" I charged forward, knife raised, and ran straight through the monstrosity, slicing it in twain.

I did not expect the gas to spew from the cut I made. My vision clouded. From what I could see, I saw the monstrosity extending out again towards the other half, but it did not touch it. Instead, it formed its own half, forming two of these muffin monsters. They turned around towards me, wailing in unsion, "MMMMMUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIINNNNNN!!!" They made their approach again.

The situation was dire. If I had cut them again, they would only form more of these demonic muffin monsters. I had but one option. It was risky, but it was either that or my doom. I raised the knife high, twirled it over my head, and slammed it into the ground at my side. I raised my voice and danced around the knife, singing, "Knife or banana! Knife or banana! Knife or banana! Which will you choose?" I pointed at my enemies in defiance.

The muffin monsters suddenly imploded, my confusion maneuver working perfectly. The chance of success was low, but I, the banana, pulled it off! Before I could celebrate my victory once more, a wild Karelwolf appeared before me in the fridge! It was a large, brown, feral wolf beast. It sparkled, as if created from the coolness of the fridge. It spoke to me. "Congratulation, Purgie Banana!" it said. "You have slain the monster! Please, take all my gold and my five beautiful robot daughters for services rendered!"

This sudden appearance caused my eyes to spin. Was this a trick? Was it real?

Purgie Banana is confused! Purgie Banana slices itself in two in confusion! "I...am...a...BA....."

The Karelwolf stared at the two banana halves. "Anyone want a sliced banana?"

"Oh! Me! Me!" cried a voice from behind the butter. A chocolate monkey appears! "Choco wants! Choco wants!" it exclaims, jumping up and down.

"Oh Choco, you naughty monkey." Laughter erupts from everywhere filling the air. It was followed very quickly by thunderous applause!

Over the applause, a voice claims with excitement and energy, "And that was another exciting adventure of 'I Am A Banana!' Remember kids, don't forget to enter our, 'Be the Banana's Sidekick For a Day Contest". Just send us a video along with $50USD of you saying The Banana's catchphrase and you could be on an upcoming episode of "I Am A Banana!'" There's a long list of reasons of why you would not win uttered extremely fast and almost unintelligibly along with miniscule text before the banana comes back out.

"Hey kids! Remember, we all have a lot of fun on this show, but we'd like to take this time to remind you to never, ever play with knives or sharp objects. Someone can get very hurt, so don't run or play with knives. Thank you."

"Hey kids! You wanna be cool?"

"Yeah!"

"Then get yourself your very own Purgie the Banana pocketknife! Only $29.99, call our hotline, now!"

The banana reappears, shoving away the advertisement. He yells towards off screen, "What the hell did I just say, huh?!"

"What? Don't blame me, banana boy! I'm just doing my job."

The banana reveals his own pocketknife. "Upstage me and my PSA, will you?" The enraged fruit stomps away, his eyes wild.

"Whoa! Take it easy there! That's sharp!"

"Let's just see how sharp your 'product' really is!"

Blood spurts everywhere. The announcer's screams and screeches fill the air, and the banana mercilessly stabs him several times over. By the time he's finished, the banana is more red than yellow. "Remember kids, don't play with knives. They can kill...Heh-hehheh-heeheehee. MWHA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!"

"He's gone off the deep end! Jump him!" Before the banana can react, men in white have tackled him and strap him tightly to a cart. He's wheeled off laughing all the while, lost to the world.

Choco the monkey talks into his mobile phone. "Yeah, don't worry about him. It's been a long time coming with a star like him. Yeah, get rid of him." The chocolate monkey closes his phone. He pulls out a cigarette as a gunshot echoes in the distance.

"Heh...heh...You think that can stop me so easy, you damn, dirty, chocolate ape?!?" The banana comes back, complete with a hole in his head.

"Ah, Sh..." The monkey can't finish his sentence as he screams bloody murder. The banana jumped at him and tore right into his throat with its teeth. Choco the monkey lies on the ground, oozing caramel, but the banana keeps going at him, going so far as to lick up the caramel ooze.

"Yeah! Take that you dancing buffoon! You were a waste of space anyway."

Frightened screams ring out all around. TV executives make a mad dash, trying to remove the banana from the scene and preserve what was left of Choco. "Turn that damn thing off!" shouts an unseen executive. A hand blocks the view of the shaky camera, but the camera still rolls.

The camera pans to see the real muffin, back to his old self. "Stand back everyone! I'll handle this!" He lights a blowtorch. "I'm sorry to do this to you, buddy, but you've gone off your rocker now."

The banana frees himself from hands and jumps at the muffin, shouting his charge. His efforts are fruitless as he is consumed by fire. "I always liked fried plantains!" the muffin laughs. He rolls, trying to put himself out, but the sugars in his body have been spent.

He lies still, a charred remains. The crisped fruit mutters, "I'M A BA...NA...NA!"

As the stage hands put out what remains of the banana, the muffin wonders over to his former friend and acting partner, "I'm sorry, my friend. You were a splendid performer." He sniffles, "And I shall always remember you as that."

"Cuff them!" The police burst on to the scene, taking everyone into custody.

"What you have just witnessed were the final recorded moments of a beloved children's show. However, this kiddy carnival became a real house of horror, but thanks to the sterling work of the Imaginationville Police Department and the Madeupland Sheriff's office, this bed time story has a happy ending.

The screen clicks off. "...What the hell did we just watch?!!" I ask Karel.

"Ach, now you know why I drink so heavily." The wolf to my left takes a swig from his bottle.

I sigh in resignation, "You got any more of that stuff over there? I feel like I could use some myself after all that."

Yeah, it just goes to show you that sometimes its hard to tell what weird quirks your online friends can have. But if you enjoy each other's company, then I guess all the madness can be worth it.