Gortoz 'A Ran - ch 58 - Intimidate those who intimidate others...
#59 of Gortoz 'A Ran
It was inevitable for everyone else to know about the break-up between me and Terry. I talked to my grandmother about it and she was shocked to hear that we both went our separate ways and that I left him to be with Nikki. My grandmother said that only I was able to tell what is right or wrong and she supported me to be with Nikki but didn't approve of the fact that I cheated on Terry... I still wanted to make up with him but I tried before and that didn't really work... I told Simon about it and he didn't really seemed surprised, as if he already expected something like this. And Catherine? Just because she said she "accepted" my bi-sexuality, didn't mean she'd actually show any acceptance. Sometimes I got the feeling she only said that to keep the peace and yet seemed reluctant to accept the truth about me... I'd rather want that she spoke up her mind than to pretend she's "okay" with it... So no, the people who knew about my orientation didn't actually approved that I cheated on Terry... I told the ones who didn't know about my orientation that I broke up with Terry simply because it wasn't working out anymore. It didn't matter what I told others... I still didn't like the way we broke up... But despite everything, I went through with it and now he was gone... So the only thing I could do was to accept the fact that he didn't want me back anymore and to move on...
With Terry out of our lives, I had to move on with Nikki. But I remembered every word that Terry confessed. That Nikki slept with him. There's just no fucking way I'd ever believe such a bullshit story and it really had me thinking that Terry was lying to me in order to ruin my relationship with her. Some sort of revenge, so to speak. Nikki wouldn't even have sex with a girl just like that, let alone with a dude! She's lesbian and certainly not the kind of girl who'd have sex with every guy she encounters... But it still had me questioning and made me realize that either Nikki or Terry was lying to me. Seeing as Terry was removed from the picture, I only had Nikki for answers. But getting some answers from her proved to be a lot more difficult than I thought it would be...
Slowly but steady, Nikki and I picked up our lives as the weeks passed by. Things seemed to get better but the more I was with her, the more I started to notice things about her... And it were simple things... Nikki never spontaneously gave me a hug or a kiss... She only did whenever I did... She never did that out of her own... But I felt satisfied whenever I held her in my arms and she was caressing my hair... Nikki and I haven't been intimate with each other ever since Meagan moved back in... Afraid that Meagan might hear us or something... Not to mention my first encounter with her when Meagan busted us in the living-room... But despite that, things stayed relatively the same between Nikki and me. Nikki and I made walks through the forests on Sunday mornings and watched movies at her place. But that's all we ever did... I didn't mind what we did, as long as it was together with her. But despite everything, I couldn't help but to think of Terry's confession and how much it made me doubt about Nikki... At first, I wasn't thinking about it too much... But the longer it was lingering my mind, the more I wanted an answer from her... Confronting her proved to be a lot more difficult for me because of her fragile personality... And I certainly didn't want to do anything to scare her away...
One Friday evening, I was spending the night at Nikki's place. Meagan was out for the weekend to spend time with her family in San Mantégua and wouldn't be home until Sunday. I took this as an opportunity to be with Nikki, seeing as I thought we had some catching up to do and needed it after everything that happened, if you know what I mean... So when the time came for us to go to bed, I came out of the shower and walked butt naked in her bedroom where I found Nikki staring at herself in the mirror, only wearing her underwear, not noticing I was watching her... I looked at her and thought she was just checking herself out, to see how hot she is but she didn't move around... She just stood there and stared at her own reflection, as if she wasn't too sure of what she was seeing... Almost looking disgusted at what the mirror was showing... But Nikki simply doesn't realize that she is beautiful... I approached her from behind and placed my hands on her waist as I whispered quietly in her ear... 'Hmmmm, you're looking mighty fine tonight...' 'Heh...'
The moment I let my hands down to her butt cheeks and gently squeezed in them, it seemed as if she froze up... Giving these little kisses in her neck while caressing her stomach made her close her eyes and had little trembles in her sighs... And it was at that point that I only wanted one thing that night... And I was gonna get it, one way or another... At that point, Nikki turned around and looked at me while she had a weak smile on her face... She caressed my chest fluff as my hands reached around her back and undid her bra... She had a little blush on her cheeks the moment it fell to the floor... It wouldn't be the first time that we'd see each other naked but it always felt special to me... I gently pressed my lips against her as she kissed me back... I know she's never been with someone before... I admit that she wasn't a great kisser... But the touch of her lips that I longed for caused those wonderful feelings... I figured it'll come with enough practice... The only thing that mattered to me was that her lips touched mine...
There's nothing more sexier than to be seduced by someone who undresses you slowly on the go... But I never really was the patient girl... So it didn't took long before my hands got hold of the straps of her panties and slowly pulled them down as I kneeled in front of her, kissing her stomach... It's not easy to pull something like that off without startling her... But she seems to be okay with it... I gave her these little kisses on her inner thighs, deliberately skipping that delicate soft spot of her... No need to rush, we had all the time in the world... I got up and took her hands as I smiled at her, guiding her towards the bed... Nikki stood in front of me as I sat down, giving those little kisses her on her stomach once more... It doesn't take much to turn her on... I like to tease her... The expression on her face was so cute... So shy, so timid... So innocent... I lied down on the bed and spread my legs as I gestured her to come closer... I wanted her to do the same what I've been doing to her all along... But at that moment, something told me that something wasn't quite right when I looked at her... She just stood there, as if she didn't know what to do... Maybe she just didn't took the hint... Instead, she lied down on the bed next to me... Nikki averted her eyes the moment I looked at her... 'What's wrong, dushi...?' 'I-I, uh... I'm not sure...' 'You don't want to...?' 'Uhm...' 'I just thought you might want to give it a try, you know...' 'I-I, uhm...' 'It's okay if you're not comfortable with that... I understand...' 'Heh...'
It stayed quiet for a while as I was staring at the ceiling and sighed quietly... Was I disappointed? Sure, I was. Very much so actually... I thought it was one of those things she really wanted to try out but apparently, wasn't exactly comfortable with it. She seemed very embarrassed after that, knowing I was expecting it... 'Do you want me to go down on you then...?'
She looked a little surprised when I asked her that... But nevertheless, she nodded quickly as her cheeks turned red... And I know she's not used to any of this. Still, it's something she wanted... So I did what I suggested... Can't say I wasn't enjoying it but... Something just seemed missing... Something "magical", so to speak... I wasn't complaining though... Despite the fact that it still wasn't my turn during foreplay, I enjoyed what I was doing... I thought she would do something else instead... Something simple, like fingering me... I wanted her to but I didn't ask... I thought that it was something that Nikki would be ready for such things when the time was right for her, otherwise I had the feeling I would force her into it... And that was exactly what I wanted to avoid... Even though I was longing for her touches and her kisses, she simply just didn't... I was the one who did everything for her... But I still had some satisfaction when I was on top of her, our genitals touching one another... I could hear her breathing... Her quiet moans of pleasure... They seemed to get more intense with each gentle thrust I gave... I guess the most important thing was that we both enjoyed what we were doing... But sadly, it didn't last very long...
Everything that made our first time so special just wasn't there... I stared at her naked body with her back facing me after Nikki reached her climax ... No cuddles, no kisses... No sweet whispers afterwards... I kept reminding myself that she was still very inexperienced and oblivious of my needs for not taking the little hints I gave... I simply thought that it would come and that I would show her everything to fulfil each other's desires when the time was right... That we shouldn't rush these kind of things... I couldn't blame Nikki that she didn't want to try anything on me... I know exactly how it feels... It has to come naturally when the time is right for her... But still, I think Nikki felt very embarrassed that she couldn't give in to it... I think it was the reason why she wasn't facing me afterwards... Nevertheless, I moved close to her as I clenched my hands around her stomach, resting my head on her shoulder... Her hands go down and reach out to mine, caressing the back of my hands... 'I'm sorry, Ceylan...' 'For what...?' 'I'm sorry I couldn't do it...' 'There's no need to be sorry for that... You don't owe me an explanation...' 'Heh...' 'What's on your mind?' 'No, nothing... I-I'm fine...' 'Nikki...?' 'Yes...?' 'You'd tell me, right...? If anything happened or...' 'Like what...?' 'Anything... Things that troubles you, or things you're not feeling comfortable with...' 'O-Of course...' 'You wouldn't lie to me, would you...?' 'N-No... No, of course not...' 'Okay... I love you...' 'I love you too...'
I just couldn't say it, you know. I just couldn't confront her with something like that. I couldn't ask her if she really slept with Terry or not. If I did, her answers would only raise more questions than I already had. She's the kind of girl who easily crawls back in her shell the moment she's facing a conflict. And I know Nikki isn't particularly fond of conflicts... She likes to avoid them as much as possible. Crawling back in her shell, where she's safe... I didn't want to scare her off by confronting her... Nikki would shut herself down and stutter like crazy whenever she's nervous. Nikki would choke down in her own words and wouldn't be able to speak up anymore... I've seen it the day that Terry came by at her place. I wanted to talk about it, asking her if it was true or not but I really had no idea how to bring it up...
I tried to come up with a way for us to talk about it. But I really had no idea... Asking other people for advice didn't seem like a good idea... Explaining the whole story of what the three of us were up to wasn't exactly a story I was keen to share... It was something I wanted to keep to myself... Still, it was driving me nuts that I didn't know whether or not she slept with him... To keep the peace and the things I had with her, I decided that I just had to accept that it happened. But that didn't necessarily mean that I was happy with her...
I know Nikki has a very low self-esteem. But damn it, I got so sick and tired of hearing whenever I told her she was beautiful, that Nikki thinks she's not. Sure, she gave me a weak smile each time I told her why she was beautiful but to me, it felt as if she craved for attention. As if she couldn't get enough compliments from me... But did she do the same to me? No, of course not... But then I would look at her and saw how caring she was towards others... What she did for me... And I thought that she would go back to the girl I fell in love with, once she got over the loss of her friendship with Terry... So I thought that time could heal most wounds... All but one...
As the weeks passed by, I started to notice other things about Nikki I haven't noticed before. Things I really, really didn't like about her... I know she means well by trying to help others out... But she just didn't realize that people were using her... Like the time at the supermarket for example... We both went to do groceries and while we were standing in line at the cash register, I realized I forgot something and went off to get it. When I returned, the lady in front of us wasn't there before... So to put it simply, that lady simply cut in line while Nikki was waiting and she just let her... And all Nikki did was waiting until she was able to put the things on the conveyor belt. Nikki didn't had the guts to say something to that lady but when I came back, I was fairly pissed when I found out... We've been waiting for a long time and we had a shitload of groceries. I was tired and wanted to go home more than anything and that bitch just thought she could cut in line like that... But unlike Nikki, I confronted her even though there wasn't much I could do about it... That lady simply shrugged and moved on... But I was angry at Nikki as well... Just the fact that Nikki allowed someone else to just run over her like that made me angry... That she didn't had the guts to stand up for herself... We talked about it when we got home and she knew I was angry about it... Truth be told, I didn't exactly hide it and probably blew it out of proportions so I guess it was partially my fault as well... Anyway, Nikki crawled back in her shell the moment she knew I was angry and quietly uttered that she let her cut in line because she thought she had less items... But what really bothered me was that she just let herself to be run over like that and avoided confrontation at all costs... At least let someone know you're not to be fucked with... But I guess that's just me and I actually felt sorry for her afterwards...
I've got ton of examples to show you. And I always wanted to protect her from the influences of others and making her do something that others are simply too goddamn lazy for. I know Nikki means well but the fact is, people are starting to take it for granted when there's always someone out there to do their shit, especially Meagan's shit. I didn't know Meagan very well back then. Sure, I got along with her whenever she was around but she didn't seem like the kind of girl I could hang out with. Meagan was always condescending towards people, making condescending comments about the clothes Nikki wore for example. They both passed it off as jokes and laughed about it but I was honestly boiling on the inside whenever she made a stupid remark. As if everyone else wasn't good enough for her. Nikki always stood up for Meagan for reasons I didn't know. I didn't understand and it was pissing me off that Nikki always defended her... Meagan this, Meagan that... Psh, fuck Meagan. Who's side was Nikki on anyway? I tried not to show it most of the time but I got really annoyed by the both of them sometimes... I guess being in a relationship means you need to make sacrifices in order to make it work... So I endured it the best I could... But some sacrifices aren't worth to make if someone doesn't acknowledge the things you gave up...
One Friday evening, Nikki and I did groceries for the weekend. And whenever I did groceries with her, Nikki bought things for the rest of the week. She isn't particularly wealthy, so she always did most of her shopping at the discount supermarket Aldi. Unknown brands of a variety of products were offered at a low price. The store itself isn't decorated with fancy displays and stuff, unlike famous supermarket chains. I guess that's the reason how they managed to keep their prices low. If you're not too picky, Aldi would do just fine for your daily groceries. They actually have a lot of stuff I really like... Anyway, I often stayed over at Nikki's place and she always made dinner whenever I was with her so I figured I paid the groceries for once. It's kind of funny but she really seemed to be thankful, as if no one ever paid something for her. It had me surprised and we talked about it on the way home. I found out why... Nikki told me that Meagan paid her part of the rent but hardly does anything else... Nikki did all the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the dishes, and so on and so forth... On the way back home, I asked her why she was so surprised and if Meagan ever paid for groceries. Nikki confessed to me that Meagan hasn't paid rent for two months, so Nikki had to do everything on her own. And I figured that really had to change because Nikki didn't had much money as well... And I know Nikki wouldn't take the initiative to ask Meagan to pay up... Nikki didn't had a voice but I did... As soon as Nikki locked the door of her car, the two of us carried the grocery bags all the way up to the third floor...
The moment we got inside her apartment, we placed the bags of groceries on the kitchen table. Meagan was in the living-room, wearing her nightie and had a towel wrapped around her head for coming out of the shower earlier. She looked up and said hi, only to continue to remove her nail polish... And well, I had to take a wicked piss, ever since we were standing in line at the supermarket... So I made my way to the bathroom and the moment I got in, there was a huge fucking pile of clothes scattered on the floor... Nikki's not the one who'd wear expansive designer clothing so guess who they're coming from... Exactly... I just kicked Meagan's clothing aside as I made my way to the toilette and did my thing once I finally reached it... It had me annoyed that Meagan just left stuff for Nikki to clean up, as if she expected her to do her laundry... I admit, I can be pretty untidy as well but at least I clean up my own shit and not let others do it for me... So once I got back, I noticed Nikki was already unpacking the groceries while Meagan was still busy removing her nail polish... For fucks sake... Needless to say, it annoyed the piss out of me when Meagan wasn't even offering a hand to help... And then Meagan made a remark that really had me annoyed... 'What are we having for dinner?' 'I still have spaghetti left over from yesterday.' 'Again?' 'Well... Uhm... Perhaps I can-' 'No, we'll have spaghetti. Would be a waste to throw it away. There's no need to make something new.'
Meagan looked up a little surprised when I said that but she wasn't saying anything back. But still, she didn't get her ass up from the sofa to help out. Once Nikki and I unpacked the groceries, Nikki gave Meagan a carton of Marlboro cigarettes. Cigarettes that I unwillingly bought for her, knowing she wouldn't pay up... Nikki did this before but I never saw Meagan gave her money for the cigarettes she brought along for her... But surprisingly, Meagan got out her wallet from her purse and gave Nikki ten dinar, which she then passed on to me... Nikki smiled weakly at me and went to the sink to do the dishes... I was fucking hungry that evening and wanted to eat more than anything but I figured the sooner we had the dishes done, the sooner we would eat. I'm absolutely fond of Nikki's spaghetti, by the way... And apparently, I wasn't the only one who was hungry... 'You almost finished? I'm hungry.' 'Yeah, well, if YOU did the dishes while we were away, WE could've have had dinner by now.' 'I'm gonna make a sandwich...'
"Oh for fucks sake... Is she really that fucking selfish or what?" Instead of getting a plate that we just cleaned, Meagan grabbed a clean plate and a cutlery knife from the cupboard... "Okay, calm down, count to ten..." Nikki looked at me and saw I was getting annoyed... She smiled at me and turned the stove on to warm the spaghetti. And about ten minutes later, the three of us were eating. Nikki and I had spaghetti while Meagan had her goddamn sandwich... I bet that's all she's good at... Making sandwiches...
I imagined to spend the evening watching movies with Nikki but instead, we ended up doing chores around the house. After we had dinner, Nikki and I did the dishes once more and then Nikki moved on to do the laundry in the bathroom... I sighed quietly and looked at Meagan... 'Do you ever do anything around here?' 'Of course I do.' 'What exactly is it that you're doing? You let Nikki do all the chores for you.' 'Who are you to judge? It's not like you're living here.' 'No but YOU do and it would very nice if you could help her out sometimes. At least I'm still helping her whenever I'm around.' 'If Nikki really needs help around here, she'll ask.' 'So you think it's normal that she does everything for you? Right now, she's washing YOUR clothes.' 'If you have a problem with me, just say it.' 'My problem is that you're treating Nikki like she's your goddamn housemaid. And what annoys me is that you think it's normal for her to clean up your shit.'
It stayed quiet after that. I think Meagan didn't know how to respond to that... Hopefully, she got the message... Nikki came back several moments later to get a new bottle of laundry detergent from her pantry closet, while holding three of Meagan's blouses. Meagan noticed that and looked at Nikki... 'Oh, no, no, those have to be washed separately by hand with Dioxsyn.' 'Oh, okay...' 'Meagan?' 'Yeah?' 'You've got two hands, right?' 'Uh... Yeah?' 'Then start using them, for fucks sake! Do it yourself, you lazy cunt!'
You ever had those moments where you look back at your life and think "Oh God, why the hell did I say that?"...? Well, I just had a moment like that... Of course, she annoyed the fuck out of me and apparently, the only way to get that through her thick head was to be blunt. I was surprised myself when I blurted it out like that... But at least she took the hint... Nikki and Meagan looked at me as if they were questioning what the fuck I've been smoking and there was this awkward silence but I think Meagan felt a little intimidated... She got her blouses from Nikki and reluctantly washed them by hand in the bathroom... I was fairly pissed and when I looked at Nikki, all she did was staring at the floor... And just like that, I calmed down...
Needless to say, it completely ruined my evening... What should've been a nice quiet evening watching movies turned into awkward silences on the couch throughout the evening. Meagan retreated to her room to do whatever the hell she was doing while Nikki and I sat on the couch and stared at the TV. Not a single word was said after I freaked out at Meagan... And I think Nikki was quite upset as well, seeing as she wasn't even looking at me anymore... Somehow, I had the feeling that she felt responsible... Every time I faced her, her eyes averted quickly... And well, it didn't exactly made me feel good about it... All of a sudden, I had the feeling that it was all my fault. But how can you even blame me for telling the truth...?
Even when the two of us went to bed, it stayed silent. Not even a cuddle or a kiss... Nikki's back was facing me when I looked at her, wondering what I did wrong. I admit, I could've been more subtle... But still, if it bothered Nikki, she could talk to me about it... I was just trying to help her out, to stand up for her and now I felt as if I was the bad guy... I looked at her and moved closer to her, putting an arm around her stomach and held her hand... 'Nikki...?' 'Yes...?' 'What's wrong...?' 'Nothing... I just don't like it whenever you're angry... It was uncalled for...' 'Yeah but Nic, she was asking for it with the way she was behaving...' 'You don't know her like I do...' 'Perhaps but that doesn't discharge her from her responsibilities... Meagan lives here too, you know... And there's no shame in asking help if you need it...' 'I'm just happy you're helping out whenever you can...' 'Heh...' 'And I really appreciate that...' 'Look... Meagan wanted to move back in with you. And with that, comes responsibilities she has to learn to take... She can't expect you to do everything for her... And let's be honest: you can't expect that from yourself as well to do everything for her... You're doing everything around the house and barely have time for yourself to do the things you enjoy... And I thought we could relax and watch a movie this evening or something but instead ended up doing chores around the house because Meagan is too damn lazy to get anything done around here...' 'Yeah...' 'She's like, what, twenty two years old? She's an adult, for crying out loud...' 'Heh...' 'I know you mean well but you shouldn't let people take advantage of you... How many times did I tell you that...?' 'A lot...' 'You really need to stand up for yourself because no one as sweet as you deserves to be treated like dirt... And I'll help you if you want me to but you need to let her know that she's an adult and that she better start to act like one...' 'Heh... I guess I'm just not like that...' 'Listen... Promise me you'll take care of yourself too, okay...? Don't wear yourself out like that...' 'Okay... I promise...' 'C'mere... I love you...'
I gave her a firm cuddle when she turned around and pressed my lips against hers... And while we were cuddling, I felt how my hands were drifting off... Still so very shy... But that's what I like about Nikki... It took several moments before she put her arms around me as well... But when she did, I couldn't have felt more content... There's just something about her that makes you feel so peaceful... Or maybe that's just me being madly in love with her... Either way, it was a wonderful feeling... And even though I felt my hands drifting off, her hands did not... But that was okay... I would give her all the time in the world for her to be ready for it... But my hands were leading a life of their own... I know Nikki enjoys it whenever they did... So before I knew, I found myself on top of her, pleasuring her in every way I knew... I suppose my evening wasn't completely ruined...
I didn't went to bed that night, feeling reassured. Of course I wanted to change things because Nikki can't do everything on her own. And what really pissed me off was that Meagan expected her to, treated Nikki as if she's her housemaid. Nikki means well but it was taking it's toll on her and she hardly had any time left to do the things she liked. And I could tell that Nikki didn't like the way Meagan was behaving but didn't say anything about it, simply because it's not in her nature to confront people. Meagan can have a big mouth and I suppose that Nikki more or less felt intimidated by her sometimes. It's not like Meagan acted like a bitch towards Nikki but it was more of subtle hints that made Nikki crack and make her do something for her. Acting all sweet and innocent to get things done... But now that I was being a regular face around the house as well, I figured Meagan wasn't the only one with a big mouth... And I would be Nikki's voice whenever she needed one, to stand up for her whenever people were walking all over her... But that didn't mean that everyone liked it...