Dark Resolve
#20 of Free Association
Greyson and Jonathon, part III, aka Jonathon's Brain. 3026 words.
Hi folks. Episode 20, of the now-impossible-to-read-in-one-day-according-to-new-and-sleep-deprived-fans series Free Association, is now available for your perusal. If you're green (or purple, or any other color, I suppose), and you should like to head back to Episode 1, please feel free, and be sure to get enough rest if you find it to your liking.
Sorry this one's up a bit late in the day, hope I didn't keep you europeans up too late.
_ Sunday _
It'd be more romantic if there were candles, Jonathon thought.
The dining room light had a dimmer switch; he guessed that'd have to do. It was starting to grow dark outside, and a small table bore a small meal, steaming and smelling amazing. The raccoon sat down in one chair.
Across from him, a handsome rat smiled and took the other, cautious, graceful. His rich golden fur glimmered in the low light, his rounded ears flicked, his skinny tail threaded its way instinctively between the chair-rails. His dark eyes burned at the raccoon across the table, making Jonathon's chest shudder as he inhaled, and ache, as he held the breath.
It wasn't that far off from a date, and both would admit it.
They helped themselves to the delicious dishes the rat had concocted, spiced and seared and sizzled to perfection. Jonathon wished he'd paid more attention to what ingredients the rat had used, because this chicken was wonderful.
But not as wonderful as being able to look across the table, and catch those deep brown eyes, nearly black to Jonathon's warm chestnut.
To be fair... of course, Greyson knew what all this meant, to the coon. He would have been a fool not to realize... and Greyson wasn't a fool. He caught the raccoon's soft-eyed looks, small smiles, and returned them in kind, and that was...
...Well... it gave Jonathon those warm and fuzzy feelings he so enjoyed. And Greyson knew that, and that was why he did it.
Two helpings of potatoes and three of chicken later, and Jonathon was sitting back, stroking the rat's headfur with his eyes. It should be a crime to be that attractive. It should be a sin, to be that sweet.
Horrible thoughts, in a way. Anyone that makes you feel so nice is too good to be true, eh, coon?
Then, what about Brad?
Oh lord... He probably shouldn't think about Brad right now.
Greyson's been my best friend for a long time; I can't be expected to drop him just because I have a new boyfriend, Jonathon repeated to himself. I mean, am I supposed to change the way we interact, because of something new, something Greyson didn't have any say in? Is that fair? Is that right? To either of them?
It wasn't like he was going to have sex with the rat, after all; Greyson would never go along with that. They weren't even going to kiss. It wasn't romantic, it was just...
"Y-you ok-kay? Y-y-you l-lll-l-llook... b-bother-bothered..." Greyson ventured, hesitantly.
Oh, hell. Great. You made him worry. Jonathon tried to smile, and to stop reassuring himself incessantly. "I'm fine."
The rat sat very still, looking at him. Greyson always knew when he was lying.
Abruptly, Jonathon stood, his chair scraaa-a-aping across the linoleum, and paced away into the dark living room. He felt Greyson's eyes on his back, as he reached the window, both paws rising to press against it. It was dark, now. Dim shapes moved around in the parking lot. Jonathon couldn't help but be a little afraid of them; this was a bad neighborhood. He couldn't help but worry about Greyson, having to live here. Couldn't help but worry that his rat was gonna get mugged in his own parking lot.
His poor, lonely, afflicted rat. Broken liver, broken pancreas, broken words. Broken nose, maybe, broken skull...
At least such pre-occupying feelings distracted him from the treacherous undercurrent that had drawn relentlessly on this whole night. Supposed to be just a nice night with his friend, like so many before it. Relaxing for them both, soothing, friendly, and...
...as though you don't know it means more than that.
The raccoon's small nose dipped toward the windowsill, then the carpet. His little ears flicked down, and his mouth tightened.
Guilt.
Whatever he might say to the contrary, whatever excuses and explanations sprung readily to his mind...
...Well, I wouldn't want Brad to see any of this, would I?
The raccoon's whiskers and ears drooped at that thought. Wasn't that telling enough?
If Brad knew about this... I would... have a hell of a lot of explaining to do, Jonathon admitted to himself.
In that case, what was he doing here? He didn't want to make Brad angry, or threaten their relationship; that was the last thing he wanted...
...And yet, he'd been friends with Greyson for a lot longer! Brad was a newcomer; Greyson held seniority as the raccoon's friend, and in his heart, as well. Who did Brad think he was, barging in like he owned the place? He's got nothing on Greyson! Jonathon thought savagely. Nothing except that he happens to be gay and Greyson happens to be not! And if he thinks he can make demands and make me choose between him and Greyson, well, he can go screw himself, because I'll pick Greyson every time!
Defiantly, Jonathon glared down at an empty parking space.
Then, slowly, he dipped his head.
He didn't want Brad to go screw himself! He wanted Brad to hold him and kiss him and love him and be his boyfriend and, and, and...
The raccoon gulped, eyes welling.
...and stay with him for ever and ever. That was what he wanted Brad to do.
Jonathon pawed at his cheeks. Get ahold of yourself, coon, he thought sternly. You're blowing this way out of proportion. For chrissakes Brad didn't even know who Greyson was, getting all worked up over an imagined ultimatum was -
Jonathon tensed, as he felt a paw touch his shoulder, gently. He spun, apprehensively meeting the rat's eyes.
Greyson didn't say anything.
But, that was his great power, wasn't it? Speech was difficult for him... so he'd gotten very good, at communicating without it.
Jonathon let the rat coax him into a soft embrace. He let Greyson's paws sweep over his headfur, that slow familiar stroke that spoke of such affection and intimacy.
Greyson was his best friend, yes... but he couldn't pretend he did this out of friendship. Perhaps he would have, in another reality...
...But in this reality, Jonathon Howard was still in love with his best friend. And, he probably always would be.
The raccoon nuzzled against Greyson's slim chest, snuffling a little; it wasn't exactly like holding Brad. Brad was taller, and his shoulders were much broader. Greyson had a special way of holding him, though. A familiar way, a deeply satisfying, cathartic way. Greyson made him feel better.
Brad... just made him feel.
No, he couldn't pretend his motives were innocent. The time he spent with the rat resembled a date, because in Jonathon's mind it was a date, romantic and meaningful and special... and Greyson indulged him as much as he could. As much as he could stand, maybe. Though... Jonathon couldn't bring himself to fear that it was a struggle for the rat. Greyson surely felt many things around him, but 'uncomfortable' was rarely one of them.
After all, he was always the one who made the moves, gave the hugs. A long time ago, he'd told the raccoon that he didn't mind a nice massage, whether the masseuse was male or female.
And, also a while ago... he'd told Jonathon that he was willing to give kissing a try, since he knew how much that would mean to his friend. His poor gay friend, pining away as he pawed and nuzzled and begged a cruel evil rat to just love him back.
Not that Jonathon had done that. At least... not intentionally. He'd tried his damndest not to. He didn't want to make Greyson feel guilty about not being able to be more than friends.
The rodent already felt guilty enough.
Jonathon let Greyson draw him back onto the sofa. They sat, and Greyson held him and stroked his head, and Jonathon wrapped his arms around the rat's torso and snuggled up as close as he could.
He'd never had a reason to pretend this was innocent, until Brad. Never had a reason, to hold himself back. To do anything but dream, that Greyson was his own, his special guy. His boyfriend, maybe. It had gotten him through several long years of casting scared glances at that husky in the locker room, at that cute armadillo in his intro chem class. It had gotten him through a lot, being able to... pretend.
And it was all fine with the rat, so long as Jonathon understood his friend's limits... and the raccoon didn't think he'd ever be able to cross those. The idea of hurting Greyson, even a little... No. He couldn't bear it.
That was how it had always been, seemed like. Greyson was... the one. Jonathon fell in love, fell hardcore, fell completely and totally...
...for a straight guy.
Figured.
The raccoon nuzzled even closer into Greyson's chest, his little black nose buried between the rat's arm and ribs. The rat's paw stroked his headfur gently.
At least Greyson liked cuddling. It had almost been an accident, when they'd discovered that - because the rat didn't exactly make a habit of snuggling up to other guys before then - Jonathon had just squirmed a little close one night while playing video games, and before he knew it he was holding Greyson, and Greyson was doing that chattery rumble in his nose, and the game never did get un-paused. Jonathon had tried a nuzzle, and got a little one back. Just a little one... but it was all the nicer for it. And soon enough, he was asleep in the other guy's arms.
Fortunately, Greyson's parents hadn't walked in on them like that. After that first time, they were a little more careful how and when they did such things... but Greyson wasn't hesitant to repeat the experience.
And it always did serve to make the raccoon feel better, whenever he got... bothered.
Of course, typically, that happened about the fact that he could never really be with Greyson. Not about the fact that if Brad saw this, oh, if he saw this...
But even that felt further away, with a nice rat holding him and being his friend and doing the nose-rumble. Jonathon clung to him, it was fair to say. Clung, and sighed, a long, slow breath.
No matter the details... it was nice to just be like this. To just be with Greyson.
Had to just enjoy the feelings, not think too much about the doubts, the implications, the tangles. Just treasure every minute he could spend with this guy. Or anyone, anyone he felt nice about. He didn't earn Greyson, after all, nor did he earn Brad.
He just got damn lucky.
In both cases.
So he should enjoy it, and quit fussing so much. When had he gotten this fussy, anyway?
Probably about when a certain wolf smooched you and asked you out, the raccoon thought with a bemused smile. He nosed against Greyson's chest.
"Y-y-you ffff... f-feelin' bet, bet-ter?" the rat asked.
The raccoon gave a little nod. "How'd you tell?" he asked, a little wryly.
"F-ffffelt you s, sm-mile..."
Jonathon smiled a bit more and rubbed his nose against Greyson's side. The rat always smelled nice, the subtle mix of his natural rodentine musk with whatever fur shampoo he used.
It was dark, both outside and inside. The light in the dining room was still on, but it was a paltry light, and there was little on this side of the apartment that wasn't in darkness. Jonathon pawed his way up, and sat up partway, enough that he could meet Greyson's gaze, eyes gleaming in the low light.
"I... I w-wish-sh..."
Jonathon dropped his nose.
"...I coul-ld b-be wh... what you, wh-what - you w-w-w... wha-t y-y... I w-wishhh..."
"You wish you could be what I want you to be," Jonathon said. He almost never finished Greyson's sentances for him, because he knew that frustrated the rat. Right now, though... he knew Greyson wouldn't care.
His friend nodded and gulped and curled his paws around Jonathon's. "I-I-I'm sor-r - I'm s-sorr-ry... I... I-if I c-coul-ld ch - t - tchANge th-that-t... ab, ab-bout m-m-mysel-lf..."
Jonathon inhaled slowly. "I know. You would. I know."
"B-but I j-just... I d-don't... d-don-n't f-ffff-feel... I c-c-can't... I... I'm s-s-sssor-ry..."
"Beating yourself up about it doesn't make me feel any better," Jonathon said flatly. "I don't want you to feel bad about being straight, any more than you want me to feel bad about being gay."
Greyson didn't say anything to that, but raised a paw and gave his cheek a stroke. That body language... affectionate, deeply compassionate... but still, at its core, friendly... always made Jonathon shiver a little. At the raccoon's encouragement... Greyson had gotten very good at acting like more than a friend, in all the ways he was comfortable with.
All the ways he could stand.
Jonathon swallowed.
"You're my best friend. And... and I love you, and I care about you, and on top of all that, I have romantic feelings for you." Jonathon gave him a firm look to reinforce the distinction in his terms. "But... that doesn't mean you're... not fulfilling all the roles you should. All the roles I want you to." The raccoon grimaced. "I'm... not even sure if I would want you to love me back, if you could, anymore. I love you so much that I... I'm not sure what that would... do to me." He shivered. "I feel like it would... tear me into little bits, devour me and spit me out at the same time, and there'd be... I don't know what would be left behind. A thrall, maybe." He chuckled a little, darkly.
Greyson gave him such an empathetic look that he had to give the rat another hug.
"It's okay..." he mumbled into Greyson's chest. "I'm... used to being friends. So don't feel... guilty, or whatever it is that you feel."
Greyson nuzzled the top of his head, holding him close. "I-I, I... I'll-l... try n-not t, to."
Jonathon held him a little longer... and then let go.
"I... think I should go home now," he said quietly.
Greyson looked at him, and nodded slowly.
Sometimes the time they spent together ended like this. Sometimes it went better. Sometimes it went worse.
Greyson put away the food that was still on the table. Jonathon helped him by sticking the dishes in the sink. The rat checked his blood sugar again, and gave himself another small shot to correct it.
Jackets. Lights off. Keys in the door.
It felt like an abnormally long drive. Quiet, except the hum of the tires, the air around the car, the engine.
Jonathon made use of the bench seat, this time, and pressed his side against the rat's.
Many times before, he had thought to himself, that maybe someday he'd meet someone who was as special to him as Greyson was... and happened to be gay. Maybe sometime... he'd be able to move past the years he spent wishing, longing, pretending...
Tonight, he didn't really want to think about that. Try to enjoy yourself while you can, coon. Greyson was here, and that was nice. It really... it was. No matter how he might feel otherwise.
They were pulling off onto the exit ramp, when Jonathon's pocket chimed.
A little surprised, Greyson glanced at him, and the raccoon stuffed a paw into it and fished around, pulling out his phone.
"Who's texting me, anyway?" he grumbled, grinning at the rat a bit. "You're here!"
Greyson chuckled, and the raccoon clicked into his messages.
'1 new text from Bradley Wilson!!!'
...Ah. Click.
'hows my favorite coon tonight? forgot to mention earlier but my roommate wants ta meet ya maybe we can hang out sometime?'
"Wh-who is i-it?" Greyson inquired curiously.
Jonathon gazed unseeingly at the screen. Shook his head a little. "Uh, n-nobody!" he replied, picking up a little stammer of his own. "Just... a friend from a class."
"Ah, k-kay," the rat replied. Jonathon discreetly edged a bit away, and angled the screen of his phone so Greyson wouldn't be able to easily read it.
'yeah okay i wanna see you again anyway :)'. Send. Abruptly, Jonathon felt a surge of emotion.
He did want to see Brad. He really really wanted to see Brad, and hug him, and kiss him, and be convinced that this guy cared about him, and maybe... maybe Brad... could be the one, now. Could be the guy to finally knock Greyson out of his heart. The guy he'd be madly in love with, the guy he couldn't help loving until it hurt. His sweet, playful, sexy, earnest, slightly misanthropic boyfriend. His wuff.
He wanted Brad to be his wuff.
He didn't want Brad to have to be second-best, in his heart. The wolf deserved better than that. And...
And he'd get it.
Jonathon didn't need to pretend anymore.
The raccoon hugged his paws around his arms, shivering a little, as Greyson's car cruised into the parking lot of his dorm. They turned into an empty space, and stopped, engine still idling.
Greyson turned and looked at him, and smiled a little.
Jonathon gave him a big hug, which the rat happily returned, his bare tail flicking behind him. "Thanks for being my best friend..." the raccoon said softly. "And for... putting up with me."
"N-nothin' els-se I w-woul-ld d-d-do. N-n-nnothin' ell-lse I... I c-can d... do." The rat smiled a bit. "C-can't... n-not ffff-f-feel fff-f-fffriend-dly... fff-f-fff-fuckin' l-lett-ter..."
Jonathon chuckled a little and gave him a squeeze, and then let go. "I'll see you later, then. We need to hang out more, it was too long since last time."
"Y-yup!" the rat chirped.
"Take care of yourself," the raccoon said seriously, opening the car door.
"I w-w-will! Y, y-you too, J-j-jonn-ny..."
Jonathon got out, smiled. "Safe drive home."
They smiled at each other for a moment.
"Bye."
"Byeb-bye."
Pawwave. Shut the door, climb onto the sidewalk. Another pawwave, and then Greyson was pulling away.
"And maybe next time..." Jonathon whispered, eyes on the cream Taurus's taillights, "...I'll be... brave enough...
"...to tell you about Brad."
I'm interested by how certain things are 'okay' with a straight character that would not be okay with a gay character, and how some things are okay if based on an older relationship that would not be okay with someone new. What do you guys think about things like that, what sort of differences are there in what is 'okay'?
See you guys next week.