FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

The knob turned, and he nearly fell through the door into the main foyer of our two-story home. His shoes flipped off and landed with a thud against the thick red painted wall. I typed at my keyboard and smiled, "Hi sweetie!" I yelled down toward the stairs, "How was your day?"

"Tiring!" He said while trekking up the carpeted stairway. Once at the top, his claws clacked on the wooden floor. His black and white fur looked a little mangled around his black and white uniform, as if strong winds had blown him about until his facial fluff appeared unkempt. He was already undoing his tie when he began to tell me about his day, "I had to fill an extra two hours cause of a new hire on the forklift. Pretty good day, though!"

"How were your totals today?" I leaned back in the chair, my thick brown tail feeding through the back.

"Better than the weekend, for sure! Only about $16 total loss. Had four extra cases of candy sent to us by accident meant for the Vinea City store. I had it taken care of pretty fast, though."

Corey tended to criticize himself for the simplest of things. Sixteen dollars of loss sounded like nothing compared to what I'd heard from other companies I'd worked for. Corey, in my opinion, had done nothing but excel and lead that store to a major profit boost. Though Corey didn't work sales, he sure boomed profit.

"Well..." I leaned up against his uniform slightly wet with perspiration and embraced him - the smell of cardboard and unfamiliar furs covered his body. I rubbed my fur against him to get my scent back on him - a canine kind of thing, sure, but he took it as flattery every time "I got some wonderful news for you, baby!"

"Oh?" The beautifully-striped raccoon smiled at me and gave me a quick kiss. Not a tender or passionate kiss. Just a hello kiss - it had come to that point where I could no longer categorize our kisses, but only replace them with words.

"Yep!" I grinned with my tongue between my teeth.

He rubbed my head fluff, "Did ya find a nice recipe tonight that doesn't trigger a vomiting reflex, Senny?" He joked.

"Hey!" I sneered up at the slightly-taller weasel, "How was I supposed to know that the sauerkraut was spoiled?!" Last night I had prepared a strange burrito with green peppers and sauerkraut, but unfortunately the sauerkraut was about a week spoiled, which caused me to head for the trash can after the first bite, so we ordered out. Since we had moved in together a little over two years ago, I figured I'd start training myself in cooking a little. After two years, I'd say I made some progress... some.

"Expiration date, silly!" He patted my cheek.

"Well... it smelt fine." I looked away, "Anyway... I got a nice dinner planned tonight, but that's not my good news!"

I led him to the kitchen and washed out my lucky frying pan, my tail curled around his and then it let go with a soft caress, "I..." I placed the pan on the stove, started the heat, and grabbed a tub of butter and a bottle of Sweet and Sour sauce from the fridge, "Landed a big account today."

"Ooh!" He exclaimed and applauded, "Congratulations, sweetie!!! Was it because of the business cards I handed out?"

I smiled and nodded thankfully at him, "Landed S & E Flooring. I told them they are second in line, but they are offering a five-figure pay so long as I can have it done before November."

"Wow!" He exclaimed, eyes widening in delight and ears twitching upward, "I'm so proud of you, love!" He came up behind me and wrapped his paws around me as I began to make the sauce, adding a dash of seasoning as it sizzled in the pan.

"Sea, ground, or air, sir?" I asked politely as I watched him licking his chops hungrily.

"What's the sauce best with?"

I chucked, "Sea. Unbiased, I promise."

"Pff!" He rolled his eyes, "Su-ure you do. You want to do fish every night, silly."

I shrugged, "I'm the world class chef, here."

"Yeah, but us professional food critics need variety. Remember that trout we had on Sunday? And last night we ordered out seafood, too." He adjusted his invisible tie snobbishly.

"Well, okay. Fair enough. I guess could go for some beef, too." I slid the salmon I had began to pull out back into the fish section of the freezer and pulled out a frozen package of two beef chuck steaks.

He rubbed my shoulder, "I don't want to pressure you, sweetheart, so can I help?" He offered, "I could chop some onions for you if you want to do beef."

I smiled at his offer, "That would be great, love." I looked into his eyes for a moment until I elicited that soft smile. I loved that smile. The one that bows in a little into his cheeks on his right more than his left, and the sunlight flared off of his silhouette from behind the blowing tree on the west end of our property. I turned, "Beautiful sunset out tonight, babe."

"I'd offer to picnic with ya, but I kinda want to shower here before too long. Don't wanna get anymore icky than I already am from work." He said bashfully as he cut the onions.

"Well..." I looked at him, "A certain someone turns 26 this weekend, and that certain someone is going to be treated like a prince, so I would bet on that being the sit-and-watch-the-sunset day."

He grabbed a cutting board and began to slice. He didn't have to say anything - I knew he knew subconsciously about my proposal this weekend. After all, I had never started thinking about his birthday a month in advance until this year.

Our dining room had a very elegant feel to it, almost like a private room in a fancy restaurant. A small marble dinner table sat in the middle of it underneath a silver chandelier hanging from the ceiling.

"Wine? Beer?" I asked him, expecting it to be something halfway in between.

"Actually, I'd like a water. I can get it myself, sweetie."

"No!" I told him, "You've worked your ass off all day at work, you sit right there and I'll get it for you." I got him a water and myself an ice cold glass of soda, then sat back down with him, draping my tail over to rub his leg softly, "So I talked to Ralley today. He said he actually has plans this Friday, so he's thinking early Saturday night we can hang at our place. I told him it was okay as long as he brings some drinks."

Ralley, one of my best friends, put the idea of proposing in my head. This Saturday being Corey's birthday, I had determined months in advance that it would be the perfect time to spark that exciting, terrifying question. Obviously Ralley's wanting-to-be-involved personality had gotten the better of him here - he just had to be there for it!

"I don't work Saturday, so that sounds like it'd work! We can all sit and watch House!" He exclaimed. Doctor House was his celebrity crush. I didn't blame him, though, the rat had a body.

After dinner, we disobeyed the thirty-minutes-after-you-eat rule and got our swim trunks on and chased each other to my personal pool room. Once inside, it smelt faintly of chlorine and the air felt humid from the steam of the hot tub.

"Oops! Looks like I forgot to turn the whirlpool off earlier." I blew a half-hearted raspberry, brushing off my silly mistake as my mate gave me a sneer that just reeked of a sarcastic "Otters..." remark. I turned on the neon I had installed - not too bright, but not too dim, just the perfect light to set a mood, and suddenly it felt like ten Christmas trees filled the room - it was absolutely beautiful, as always.

He tiptoed daintily toward the pool - this room was the one room where I out-playfulled him one hundred percent of the time, and I took no time to sneak up behind him as he began to remove his towel and push the lanky coon into the water. He went in with a yelp and a splash. I laughed a devious laugh and then dove right in after him.

"You little shit!" He exclaimed with a loud laugh and splashed in my direction.

I maneuvered my way around him in the water as he tried to catch me. He finally did after some struggling, provided I had slowed down, but then we settled down in the pool and just held each other for a while. I gave him a slow, romantic kiss as we rubbed our soft paws slowly up and down each others' backs. I could feel his whiskers tickling under my eyes like they always did, while my long ones didn't interfere as much. I felt the warm breath from his nose coat my fur and send tingles all over my body. My heart fluttered and I went somewhere else where just Corey and I could exist.

We both lost our trunks somewhere between cuddling and nuzzling, but there was no need to spoil it by bringing it to the bedroom. We felt much more romance for each other than lust. Of course I thought Corey was gorgeous as hell, and I would hope he felt the same, but something about the romance was enough to get me off without an actual "session" between us. Corey and I were absolutely created for each other, as every day offered us something new. I could not shake the feeling he gave me. I'm not sure if soulmates are real or youthful pretense, but it felt pretty real between us.

Face it, we'd been together four years now, and we still felt that same wonderful spark for each other, that gripping passion that keeps the guy on your mind all hours of the day, that we had when I had first met him at age 20.

We were almost a year ahead on our bills, and under a year from paying off our house. All our living relatives supported us, and our state allowed gay marriage, so what sour did we have in our lives? Honestly, in moments like these, with Corey wrapping his soft coon paws around my torso, with his beautiful face so close that I can feel his breath wash across my headfur, with him holding me close and licking my forehead, and with that serious, almost monotone expression of I love you, I don't think I could find a thing to list even if I tried.

In our bedroom, I dried and brushed his fur, as promised in exchange for pushing him in and soaking his favorite towel. We both sat on the bed with our flatscreen playing House as I ran a brush through his striped tail. Once it dried, however, I could not help but burst out laughing at how fluffy it wound up afterward, "It's like... it's like flufflepoof!" I fell back on the bed and giggled obnoxiously.

I saw the pink ceiling get replaced in my vision with a pouncing raccoon, "Yep! Much better than rudder fur." He joked as he pinned me to the blue sheets.

"Hey! It's cute." I leaned up and snatched his tail, cuddling up with it. He didn't attempt to steal it back, but instead rubbed up against me, kissed me one more time with a little bit of tongue, and then cuddled up behind me. We both wound up falling asleep like this. Yes, with my face in his tail and all.

Both Corey and I woke up bright and early, and as I awoke, the smell of bacon and eggs from Corey's breakfast still hung in the air, but the smoky smell of a hot breakfast didn't peak my appetite as much as a cup of coffee and a cold bowl of cereal would. The morning sun glimmered through our patio door onto the wooden living room floor.

He already dressed himself for work with a nice red shirt and black pants, and he wore the pawprint tie I gave him for his birthday the year before. He peeked in at me as I began to stir. "I'm going to pick up some milk after work, so go ahead and get yourself a bowl of cereal if you want, hon."

I nodded, "Okay, babe. You gonna be working over tonight by chance?" Still not dressed, I watched Corey, with his long striped tail, turn around with an adorable flow and finesse and conclude, "I don't think so. Tuesday's not a truck day. Sorry to rush out like this, Senny, but I gotta go! I love you, see you tonight!"

I watched his smiling face turn away and leave, closing my bedroom door. I heard the front door close and latch. I never kissed him goodbye. It must've slipped our minds. At least I gave him the faintest utterance of I love you.

It was hard to watch him leave any day. According to Ralley, we were the only pair of weasels he knew that could stand living together, let alone loving each other. And today was just another Tuesday. A simple good morning, a simple shower, a simple breakfast, and a simple beginning to my long day of commission work. This current one was $1050 a month for three months to dish out a functional website for a national vendor, plus a 3.5% royalty on all web-based profit for the following year. A bit of an oddity if you ask me, but I did the math on the profit part and liked what I saw.

My fingers clicked on the keyboard to locate a few of the files associated with my work in progress. I neglected the bowl of cereal, but I brewed some coffee, and after pouring myself a pot, I rushed back to the computer and opened up my web designer. 9:39A.M. - I began to resize the Contact Us image when my phone rang. My round ears twitched. I studied the caller ID for a minute, then answered. I held the phone to my right ear, I licked my lips, my long rudder tail hung lazily off the right side of the chair instead of through the tail slot. I stared at the patterns of the wood on my desk and traced my claw across them, and then held a certain cheerful pitch as I answered, "This is Senny Evans speaking."

"Mister Evans, this is Officer Lambert." He sighed, and his gruff voice sounded quite grim and baritone. It sent a chill through my spine and made me feel a little uneasy.

"Can I help you?" I asked the officer politely.

He sighed, "Senny, I'm going to make this quick as it's the hardest part of my job."

My thoughts immediately turned to Corey - had something happened? The idea tortured me, but I tried to remain calm and in a good place, "Okay." I let out, studying our neighbor on the rear side of our house hanging up laundry.

"Senny, Corey's car was T-boned this morning by another running a red light on the corner of Griffith and Diamond. And I regret to inform you that... there weren't any survivors."

A cold, crawling chill ran through my body, tying my stomach in knots and pushing tears at my eyes. I remained silent for a few moments, remembered how to breathe, and whispered, "You... you're not... no..." My eyes darted back and forth, body numb in disbelief, "No..." I said a little louder. I didn't even know there were tears running down my cheeks until I put my paw up to my mouth, "He can't be dead. No!" This time my voice held a different pitch; distress. I shook in fear it was true, but I simply couldn't grasp it. The officer offered his deepest condolences and let me go. I flopped back down in my chair nearly lifeless, tears falling from my eyes, "Corey's... dead?" I whispered, voice nearly holding no emotion.

For an hour, I sat motionless in shock, seeing my mind file through everything again and again, heart in knots and body completely numbed. The first thought that crossed my mind was the idea that the whole thing was a dream.

I squinted hard, trying to shake myself awake, but nothing happened, and for the next few hours, I migrated from the disbelief and arguing about it to believing it, but not able to comprehend quite what it entailed.

I talked with my mother that afternoon, telling her what happened with almost no tone in my voice. We talked for almost two hours, and during that time I finally found myself able to release some sort of emotion - and it came out in a flood of sobs and tears. I asked my mother how to start a funeral. She asked me to recoup and not worry about it, but all I could tell her was, "I have to. I love him." I wound up convincing my mother and in-laws to let me help set it up near their church.

The day trudged along, feeling as if I had aged a year by the end of it. I compulsively kept urging myself to drink water to compensate for the tears. I couldn't sleep in my room that night - it only would've confused my frozen mind.

I didn't talk to Ralley until early the next morning, who called me in tears, as I remained after a full sleepless night. The badger's voice sat on a low tone I swore I'd never heard out of him before, and we talked for a little while. He and his wife Lymmia invited me to supper that night, and I, despite not being terribly enthusiastic about damn near anything, accepted their invitation. While there, I didn't touch the plate of food hardly at all, but did a fair share of talking and reflecting. I had no doubts now that Corey had, in fact, died yesterday morning, and I definitely started feeling some serious emotion now. At one point, I had to excuse myself outside.

I didn't know what to do -- my life felt complete with him. I didn't really need anything else, and my life had developed a very comfortable routine, which made me incredibly happy. I put my face in my hands and just thought of what I would do, what could I do. I looked forward every day to my happy, energetic raccoon stumbling through the door, but now the door remained shut every day, all hours of the day.

Ralley asked if I was doing okay. I couldn't muster the strength to answer, so the black and white fur walked up behind me and sat down hanging his legs off the old porch.

"How'd this happen?" I asked quietly, "Everything was fine. Why did God take him away now? We had so much to live for." I managed to hold my tears as I stared off the porch into the forest at the edge of their small yard.

"I understand, buddy." He patted me on the back, "And I'm not sure. I'm not very religious. But you're a strong guy, Senny. You'll pull through this!"

"I know I will." I sighed heavily. "But only because it's what Corey would want."

"Yeah! Remember that time when you stepped on the mouse?" He asked.

I growled a little, tail curling underneath me, "You would bring that up!"

Corey and I were unpacking our final load and hauling it into the house, all smiles and all but ready to hit the hay after the long day of heavy lifting, "Woo! I just broke some plates!" Corey yelled sarcastically from the front door.

"Oh... not my vintage King Zorolic one, I hope! That was from my grammy!" I told him as I carried another box of fragile items, mostly framed pictures and wall decorations given to him as hand-me-downs.

"I dunno." He shrugged, "I thought you packed that one in a different box anyhoo."

"Oh yeah..." I remembered.

"Hey, I'm gonna throw one of your Anchovy pizzas in! I gotta get off my feet, so I'm stealin' your office chair, 'kay?" He joked. We hadn't lived together yet, but I could already read the raccoon so well. I prided myself in that.

"Hey!" I yelled playfully.

"What? Yours is the only one that raises that high!" He said in a that's-not-fair tone, "I wanna sit while I cook on our..." He jumped in front of me and dramatically waved his paws, "New electric sto-o-ove!!!"

I stumbled backward at his spastic motions, "Oh shit... I'm falling..." I warned.

"Oh- Ohohoh I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry, Sen! Sorry!" He darted behind me and tried to keep me from falling, and as I backed up a few more paces to catch myself I heard a squeak and a crunch, and felt a fuzzy lump under my foot.

"Oh..." I whimpered. My ears dropped as my keen nose smelt a mouse. Immediately, I dropped the box onto the grass and looked at the struggling form of a feral mouse on the edge of the driveway, "Oh--" I put my webbed paw over my lips and used my other to lift it carefully from the ground.

"Aww! It be a meese!" Corey commented with an odd accent.

I looked up and faced the coon with glistening eyes, "No... it's a life, Corey." I whimpered, "I... I crushed it." It died in my paw and I held it close, "Awww no... I didn't mean to!" I whined.

Corey patted my back with his strong paw, "Aww, babe... I'm sorry!" He leaned down and looked at it with me, then he poked it "Well... at least it's not in pain, sweetie." He pointed at it.

"I still feel like shit! I killed a cute little mouse!" I pouted.

"I know, hon." He laughed, "I know you didn't mean to, but don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure its spirit knows you're sorry by now."

I sneered at him, "It's been twenty seconds."

"Well..." He sighed, "There's a fifteen second rule." He joked again and then slapped my back. He stood up and he could see that I really did feel broken-hearted over it, "Do you want to bury him?" He wore a gentle smile, "We can put him right next to the bush in front of the porch."

"No..." I told him, "I'll just lay him underneath it."

"Awesome. I'm sorry that happened, baby. But hey! I'm putting your pizza in. Do you think you can get that last box in here?" He pointed at the one I had set down, "The house isn't gonna be pretty till I get those decorations up!"

I smiled at him and nodded, my ears perking back up. I took one more glance at the mouse resting peacefully beneath the bush in eternal sleep before I turned my head and moved on.

I turned to Ralley, "That story reminds me too much of him." I sniffled, "Hey, do you want to come with me tomorrow? I have to go get his things and then help set up the funeral for Friday. I really don't want to go alone."

He nodded and gave me a small hug.

The first emotionally taxing part of the ordeal was Thursday, two days after his death - the first day I could actually feel again. But I felt nothing but agony the whole day. Even Ralley could do nothing to help how down I felt over it. I apologized profusely, but I could not stop myself from crying.

We obtained Corey's items early, and they still had his scent on them. I then met outside of my stepmom's church, and the raccoon had a pretty depressed look about her which matched the mood surrounding.

I immediately received hugs from them all, which I thanked them for.

"Been rough?" My mom asked.

I nodded, "Wasn't looking forward to this, either. But I gotta do it."

My parents and in-laws began to plan out what would happen - reception, who would speak, et cetera. I made myself agree speak on his behalf, despite not being terribly comfortable speaking to crowds. I also agreed to make it an open casket, since his body remained wholly intact, which actually took a huge weight off my heart.

Corey became a widely-loved individual with his work friends, and the social butterfly had tons of friends who I usually wouldn't see outside of their regular attire of a wife beater and some ripped pants. At the funeral, however, they all were dressed formal and shook hands with every fur there. One of them, a tall lanky dark brown ferret with a well-groomed white mask, approached me and shook paws with me, "I'm sorry about your loss, my friend. I would be honored to assist you any way I can." He told me.

"Thank you." I said quietly to hide the opposing emotion, "What's your name? I don't think we've met."

"Oh, I'm Tomi. I'm the forklift guy Corey probably mentioned a few times." He smiled down at me, and then his eyes softened as he noticed my emotion that I tried so desperately to hide.

"Sorry." I wiped at the tear.

"S'okay." He offered a reply as soft as my own voice sounded. I wasn't quite sure if he was making me aware of my volume or if he actually genuinely wanted to comfort me.

I approached the casket cautiously. His eyes were closed and he looked very peaceful, but I almost began to choke on my own breath.

There were no words; none were necessary. Even if I could find them, however, Corey couldn't hear them, and even if he could, I think the look in my eyes probably said it all. The wells of my eyes had run dry for the moment. I leaned down next to his tail and studied the clean black suit he had been dressed in. I ran my paw tentatively across his leg and then relaxed, closing my eyes. I did this for a few minutes in silence before reaching down and grabbing that beautiful tail, remembering how much flow it had to its motions. I used my blunt claws to brush it a little, flashing back to that final night we had together.

After the few painful minutes of having him so close, yet so far away from me, a few members of my family applauded me as I reached into my pocket, pulled out the golden ring, and slowly slid it onto his finger. I offered a passionate smile as I pet his paw one more time, remembering every detail of it, including the small scar on his pointer digit from his first time cooking with me.

I didn't know if it was orthodox or not, but I gave the body a small, soft peck on the lips, and then moved away from it with a faint and breathy, "Goodbye."

As expected, my speech ended in tears, but my parents and even Tomi were there to comfort me afterward.

The rest of the week, I kept to myself a bit more, cleaning up the house, keeping things organized, making phone calls. I felt awful having to call and report Corey's death to his life insurance company, but it would cover everything so I could stay afloat till I could get back on my paws. After putting my website in standby, I actually got a call from the web guru of S&E Flooring, and he apologized for my loss.

Then things got hard after the busy first week - by getting easier. I had less to worry about, which gave my mind more time to wander. I attempted to get back to work, and I only succeeded for maybe three to four hours a day maximum, but my heavy heart just couldn't seem to find joy in it anymore.

After two more uneventful weeks full of heartache and stress, something in me snapped the first time I went to sleep in my bed for the first time since. I sat down in the bed and turned out the light, and then I turned right to see him, and for a split moment I swore he looked back at me, his blue eyes gleaming, but then the pretense faded into the stillness once more. The moonlight shined bright off his pillow from the skylight, and my head fell to my own pillow, pawing at where his head would be laying, petting it, "It's not fair..." I whispered as tears fell from my eyes for the first time in almost a week. I could smell his scent still embedded in the sheets and pillow, "It's not fucking fair!" I cried out, "I could've been there with you. Then this wouldn't have happened. I would've seen the car! I would've been able to save you, Cor-cor!" I pouted.

This lasted half the night, and the next day didn't get any better. I called Ralley and he attempted to help me by letting me vent to him, but it didn't seem to make me feel any better. He came over that night, and he actually wound up spending almost a week with me - returning after work - out of worry for me. Lymmia joined him as well after the second night. After being convinced that I was caught in a seemingly inescapable agony, they wished me the best, hugged me, and went back home.

For over a month, this was my reality - emotional agony. I spoke with several grief counselors, and every one of them told me this was absolutely normal and that feeling this way usually lasted a while. I had thought once or twice about drinking to escape it, but I made the right decision in not doing so. It hurt bad, but alcohol would make things worse. I did have a beer or two every now and then when Ralley came over and played some video games with me, but for the most part, I let myself feel more emotional pain, and shed more tears than I thought were imaginable, instead of being able to enjoy anything.

Summer had just begun when things got worse. Ralley gave me a phone call early in the morning to let me know he was coming over that evening, and I had a headache, "Goddamn it Ralley. It's too early for this shit!"

"Woah, easy pal." He spat back, "I'm trying to help you."

"Well you're not helping by calling me this fucking early! Corey's gone and now I gotta deal with this shit, too!" I seethed, "Don't call again until I'm fucking awake! I got a headache."

"Well then I hope you have a nice morning, sunshine." He sarcastically added before hanging up.

I fumed, beating up my pillow, "Why are you dead, dammit?!" I grunted, beating up the pillow, "God, why did you kill him?! He was mine!" I screamed out before falling back to the bed, shattered. It took a little while till my headache subsided and I began to show some remorse, "What... am I doing? It's been six weeks... Why am I so angry?" Remorse turning to sympathy, I called Ralley back and apologized profusely, explaining to him what my counselors had told me and trying to beg his forgiveness. He told me not to worry too much about it, and that he'd come over as soon as he got off work.

I put myself to some serious work that day, though, channeling any anger I felt and putting it on building the websites. I worked straight from morning to night when I heard the knock at the door. I did this for about ten days, and it resulted in me getting a good chunk of S&E Flooring's site done by the time July rolled around.

July began with a curious call on the third from Tomi, who seemed quite excited to speak to me.

"Hi! How have you been, Senny?!" He chirped.

I sighed, "Awful." I didn't lie, "It's been nothing but tears and me bitching for two months."

"Aww I'm really sorry to hear that." He said, "I gotta get back to work here in a sec, but I wanted to see if you were busy tomorrow night? I wanted to hang out with someone for Independence Day."

"Um..." I stuttered, "Uh... sure... I... shouldn't be busy or anything." At this point, I had realized how I had not really left the house for anything other than bill payment or grocery shopping in two weeks, "Did you wanna go to the bar or something?"

"Actually... I was thinking of something more along the lines of going down to the dock, renting a motorboat, and watching the fireworks."

This actually sounded genuinely fun, which surprised even me at this point, as nothing really seemed to sound fun without Corey. It seemed Tomi knew how to speak my language, just as Corey had, which led me to believe that Corey and Tomi had definitely developed a good relationship at work.

The next night out by the lake, Tomi and I hung out by ourselves, whizzing across the lake in a big white and red-striped motorboat. I had fun, but I still felt bad about how watered down it felt with grief still on my mind. We both had a delicious fish dinner and then went back out on a slower ride around on the water. I jumped in a couple of times just to get the pent up energy out. The first firework launched while I sat treading the water, which startled me a bit.

Tomi laughed hysterically, "The look on your face! You looked like a cartoon character with that expression!"

I looked at him crossly, "Oh yeah? I don't see you down here!"

"Hey! I don't like getting wet cause I have OCD to dry myself off!"

I laughed at that, then climbed back onto the boat and sat passenger's side. The fireworks were starting to launch as we stared back toward the dock in the distance.

After watching fireworks for a half hour, the ferret looked at me for a moment, then popped a question, "Are you thinking about him now?"

I stifled a small sob and nodded as I looked toward the fireworks.

"What's it like... to lose someone like that?" He breathed, "...Someone that close to you?" He sounded fascinated, in a very empathetic way.

I took a moment to find the words, and looked at my webbed feet as I spoke, "It's... a nightmare." I began, "You... don't even feel anything at first, but you know it's bad news. It's that simple - you... don't even realize it until... he doesn't come home that night. And you know you shouldn't feel bad for very long, but you do. With Corey... it just isn't the same without him. And you go day to day... trying to appreciate what you have, trying to break the funk... but you can't. It really, really hurts. But you know that... at the end, somewhere, there is a light. And you go toward that light. There are a lot of obstacles you have to cross on the way, but you run toward it. In your heart, you just want to quit, and nothing feels worth it... but you run... because it's what he would want."

"All I want..." He began, nervously, "Is for you to do just that."

I didn't know how to take the comment, but I didn't ask. He hugged me before he left that night, and I think I took it the way he wanted; I hugged him back with a fire that had vanished from my life. It brought me back to concealed tears.

Tomi and I spoke again later that week, and he made it a habit of calling me every four or five days. We became friends, and eventually, I started to invite him over for movie nights with Ralley and Lymmia. But even with two or three other people over hanging out with me, I still felt alone. I could never seem to cheer up, and I couldn't think about anything realistically - only how it hurts without Corey.

There were no milestones left to break after ten full weeks had passed. I began to pack up all of Corey's things into boxes. Many of his collectibles and knick knacks were framed or left in place, and many days between my clocked work time I would spend hour upon hour just going through two or three dozen items and reflecting on each one, fond memories swimming through my head. His pillows and sheets still had a faint essence of Corey on them, and I packed them away to donate. A large portion of his stuff I had to have his parents come over sort through. They let me keep his material possessions, but most things of major sentimental value were taken back by his folks.

After a couple of quiet weeks, Lymmia and I headed out to the homeless shelter to donate belongings I didn't need. The man at the desk looked very grateful, and asked where all the stuff had come from. I told him the truth, and he, as most others had, offered heavy condolences.

Lymmia definitely ran the fort. She spoke a lot more openly about how she felt, as opposed to Ralley who would lie to you as long as it made you happy. The silent trip back to their house for dinner was interrupted by her chipper voice, "Baby, you really gotta cheer up. It's almost like you're a different person."

I nodded, "I'm trying. It's just so hard."

"It's been three months though. He's gone and nothing's gonna change that. Have you been praying for strength?" She asked me.

"Not really the religious type." I offered apologetically, "But I did a few days after he died. Twice on the same day, actually. Said my Amens and everything."

"That's good to hear! Yeah, Ral doesn't really believe in God either. But, ya know, it really helps to think that Corey's looking down on you from above - he was a good kid, after all." She patted me on the back, "You know, I think that Tomi kid really likes you. Think you'll be back on the date scene? Cause he's quite a catch!"

"Woah... he's gay?" I found myself more bewildered by this than Lymmia pushing me back out into my next relationship.

Lymmia gave me a look of confusion, "He hasn't told you?"

I shrugged, "In all fairness, I never asked." and then unlocked my door. She locked it back with the auto-lock, "Hey!"

"Honey... you can do it. Just take some deep breaths, and you can overcome this."

I sighed in frustration, because in all reality, as much as I tried, I felt alone, and as much as I tried to put him out of my mind, he wouldn't leave. I replayed the final moments with him over and over, imagined kissing him, imagined being near him and stroking his beautiful fur.

Fall was fast approaching, which meant the Last Catch of Summer Special at the Surf n' Turf grill across town. Tomi treated me to a nice lunch that day, and I thoroughly enjoyed the "Otterturf" - a fifteen foot-deep pool filled with with aquatic life and waves which simulated me. During this little meet with Tomi and I, for the first time since Corey's death, my smile didn't feel artificial. I actually genuinely enjoyed myself, and I bragged about it afterward to Tomi. Tomi's reaction from that did not need words. "You're gettin' there. Starting to feel better?" He asked, smiling ear to ear.

I took a moment to answer, staring at my tail which I whacked between my feet from under my seat, "Back on July 4th... you genuinely cared about me. And... damn it felt good to know someone cared that much. And today... I feel like the light's in reach, Tomi." I smiled and thought back to Corey, "He died happy. He really did." A different type of emotion filled me now, and a different type of tear began to well in my eyes.

"He did." He smiled, "He accomplished everything he set his mind to, and he found true love in you. He got his paw in the door of owning a flourishing business with you, he graduated college early with flying colours. Ralley told me about how determined he was when he was younger. He'd be the one assembling blueprints to go karts that they were just chatting nonchalantly about." Even he began to tear up a little, "Corey got everything he set his mind to, and died while he was on top."

I let these foreign tears escape my eyes, because unlike the rest, they felt good to let out.

"What the hell are you keeping, Tomi?! Did you dismantle a nuclear submarine or something?" I scoffed at the sheer weight of Tomi's luggage as I lugged in another fifty pounder.

"No, just some old knick knacks." He responded at a feverish pace, "Oooh! I can't wait to show you my deerhorn!"

"Your... wait, what?" I asked, "You're so freakin' weird." I laughed.

"Oh my God! It's the shiniest plaque you'll have ever seen! You'll wanna stare at it forever!" He started leaping around on the stairs with another fifty pound box in his hands. His tail waved up and down with his motions and his face wore a ferrety smile.

Ralley and Lymmia helped us unpack this time, and they were both manning the inside end, helping unpack and organize my sweet ferret's things.

"Hey, guys! Want to go for a dip here in a second?" The badger had already stripped to his swim trunks and stood pridefully with his hands on his hips.

I sighed as I dropped the box on the living room floor, "We got like three more trips back and forth guys, I can wait!"

Tomi's scent had already started filling our bedroom and, slowly, the entire house with how often he would come over. We had been dating for a little over a year now, and honestly I could see myself staying with him for a long while.

"Hey, dookbutt!" I called out, "You still haven't told me what a deerhorn is." I added.

"Ooh! That's right! Race you to the truck!" He yelled and began to run. I got an edge though, and as I jumped down from the porch to the sidewalk, Tomi called out from behind, "Watch it, Sen!"

I stopped at an instant.

"You almost squished a dinner!" He called out and then leaned down and let a fuzzy brown mouse crawl into his paw, "Look at it! So cute."

I stared at him a moment, and then remembered Corey, just as I had almost every day for the last two and a half years since his death, "Yep. It be a meese." I commented.

"Anyways..." He put the mouse down underneath the bush and it scurried through the soil into a hole underneath our porch, "Deerhorn!" He quite literally loped to the truck in excitement. I stood there for a moment, lost in memory, before reality gripped me once more and I followed him to the truck.