FSE

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It's the night of Christmas Eve. Snow falls from the dark heavens above in large, soft clumps, quickly adding to the already knee-deep blanket of white. It's pitch black out, save for the street lamps. The soft snow rolling in the wind, and blanketing the ground is the only other thing to cut through the darkness. The wind itself is of medium strength, just strong enough to knock you back a little when a particularly strong gust runs through. Even on the roadway the snow is four inches thick. The snow plows can't keep up.

I trudge along the sidewalk by myself. I was just at my grandparents house with all of my family, and some of my friends -Luke included-. I left because I felt hot and uncomfortable. Almost claustrophobic, like I was having a mini panic attack from too many people. So I slipped out the door without telling anyone. They were all sitting in the living room, having just had a filling Christmas Eve feast, all talking with one another. Luke took interest in a conversation my cousin was having. Something about fire rescue.

Before long I come to a snow laden bench just outside a graveyard. I brush off the snow and sit down, affording myself a chance to rub the stump of my right leg. It always bothers me during storms. The low pressure system is what does it. The cold doesn't help either. I have to stick my paws under my armpits to warm them up. The joints in my paws like to creak a bit when the temperature drops below freezing. As I lean forward to keep warm, I close my eyes, feeling slightly tired from shivering. My ears turn to protect against the wind.

Images start dancing behind my eyelids the longer I stay there. Images of Greg, Shir, Kiba, Luke, Daniel, and... Eli... I shake my head at the last image. Eli left. He left me without explanation. Without even saying 'goodbye'. I hate him for it, but I still miss him. So much, I swear I could smell his scent... But he'll never come back... I wish I could see him one last time...

"Tony." A familiar voice says softly, despite the wind. I look up. My eyes meet those of a tall black panther with a strip of long red headfur tossed to one side, extending from his temple all the way to the hairline on the back of his head. His right ear carries six piercings up the side, one of each basic color. A soft white glow radiates from under his long brown trench coat. A striped black and red scarf is wrapped around his neck. A gust of wind makes his trench coat billow behind him. That gust would have pushed a lesser man off balance, but it didn't phase this tall and thin panther. His fangs shine bright at me through the dark of the night as he gives a friendly smile, his head cocked to the side ever so slightly.

"Mind if I sit down, 'lil kit?" Eli asks. Speechless, I give him permission by slowly lowering and raising my head. He sits next to me and ruffles my long brown headfur that's already messed up from the wind. "How has my favorite kitty been?"

He doesn't receive an answer from me. He already knows what's happened. I know he does. I simply stare at him.

"I know I've missed a lot..." He motions to my right leg. "You've been through so much... But it's made you stronger. I know that."

I remain silent. Several moments go by in silence before he speaks again.

"You've found love... I'm proud of you. I remember when you were smaller... I could tell you were gay. I could only hope you'd figure yourself out in due time... And you did."

More silence from my end.

"But it's been hard, hasn't it? The constant fear and anxiety before coming out. Even after coming out, you haven't been able to open up fully, yes?" Tears form in my eyes, threatening to fall, as I suddenly become overwhelmed with a deep sadness that I've tried to shut out for months now. "But it gets better." He rests his left paw on my right thigh, rubbing it ever so slightly in an effort to comfort me. I lean my head against his arm, still teary eyed.

"You don't feel whole right now. Something's missing. Something's wrong, yes?" He kisses the top of my head. "In order for things to get better, you have to let go of the bad. You have to face your demons. You have to talk to them. You have to forgive them. You have to move on. Otherwise they'll haunt you for the rest of your life." Eli goes silent again. I lean against him, mulling everything over in my head, but my thoughts keep going back to the same thing. Finally, I speak up.

"Why did you leave me?" I ask him softly. With the wind, I was almost worried he didn't hear it, but he did.

"I didn't leave you. I never did. I've always been here." Eli moves his black, ungloved paw to my chest, poking one finger right at my heart. I feel my pulse quicken momentarily as his finger makes contact. "I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to hurt you, but I had to. I couldn't keep living like I was."

He pauses to let this set in before continuing. "I love you, Tony. Never forget that." This makes me tear up slightly. Eli puts an arm around me and draws me closer. He still loves me... He really cares...

I move from under his arm, laying out over the bench, resting my head in his lap. A gentle paw rubs behind my ear. My eyes close at his touch.

"I love you too..."

Around us, the snow continues to swirl. I don't know how long I lay there with my head nestled in his lap. I know he started to sing to me softly, just like when I was little.

"It's like a storm... that cuts a path... It breaks your will, it feels like that.. you think you're lost... But you're not lost on your own, you're not alone..." His gentle voice soothes me like nothing else can. Not even Luke. He continues. "I will stand by you, I will help you through... when you've done all you can do, and you can't cope... I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight, and I won't let go..."

His voice slowly gets quieter and quieter until I can't hear it anymore. The sound of the billowing wind also gets drowned out by the sleep that slowly overtakes my mind. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but I slept well. Even on a cold bench just outside of a graveyard during a snowstorm.

After what felt like an eternity of empty dreams broken only by confused thoughts, sounds, and simulated smells, I'm finally shaken awake. My eyes open and close a few times on their own, seeing nothing but a blurry picture of snow and darkness.

"Tony?" A worried voice breaks through the howling wind, just barely reaching my ears. My eyes open one last time. They slowly focus on the dark outline of Luke's face. "Tony..." Luke hugs me. My body feels stiff and cold. Luke's warm touch manages to seep into me a little. I turn my head and look around. Eli is nowhere to be found.

"We were all worried about you, Tony... Your parents-" I raise my paw up to his muzzle to silence him. I then break away from Luke's embrace and stand. I feel absolutely frozen, but nonetheless I start trudging through the snow. Luke hesitantly follows me. The snow goes up to my mid thigh, but it doesn't stop me. I have to crawl sometimes to keep going. I then come across a locked gate. The gate to the graveyard.

It takes nothing for me to climb over the gate. The frozen metal almost burns against my bare paw pads. Once over, I keep trudging through the snow. Luke manages to follow me. We head up to the top of a hill, the highest one in the cemetery. Here, the snow is only inches thick, thanks to the wind knocking it to the lower areas. I stop at a small mound in the snow, and drop to my knees. With the sleeve of my jacket, I wipe away the snow from the tombstone. Luke kneels behind me, and to my right.

Even with the snow wiped away, we can't see what's written on it. I start digging into the lettering carved into the tombstone with my bare fingers, until Luke puts a paw on my shoulder to stop me. He pulls out a water bottle, and untwists the cap before pouring it on the stone. The water melts away the snow revealing all of the lettering. "Here lies Eli Johnson - Oct. 21, 1987- Dec. 24, 2006 - Gone but never forgotten."

I trace the letters of Eli's name. Tears swell in my eyes and roll down my cheeks. The salty water freezes in my fur. "I forgive you..."

"Thank you, Tony." There he is. Eli stands before me, tall and strong as ever. He drops to his knees on top of his tombstone. His paw finds it's way up to my face, wiping the tear off of my cheek. I raise my paw to his face, to touch him one last time, knowing this will truly be the last time I see him.

"Chin up, Kit. And stay strong." Eli then stands, and turns. I bright light appears in front of him. He steps closer to it. Before he reaches it, he turns and looks back at me. He taps his heart one more time. "Always," he says, before turning one last time, and stepping into the light. The light grows brighter and brighter, engulfing him before dimming down and dying out completely. I touch my face where Eli's paw was. Behind me, Luke wraps his arms around me. I lean into him, no longer sad, but rather, profoundly relieved.

After another ten minutes, I move to get up, completely frozen to my core. Luke helps me, then we head back through the snow. We walk in silence through the dark streets. Luke keeps me close to him, presumably to help me warm up. Several minutes later, we're back at my grandparents house. When we enter, everyone gets up, asking all kinds of questions. I ignore them. Luke waves them off to be quiet. We head down to the basement, where Luke sits me in front of the wood fire. He keeps the light off, so the only light comes from the flickering flame. Luke leaves me there, muttering something about chicken noodle soup. I stare into the flames, getting lost in the fire, which dances around so fluidly, and unpredictable. A rough, scratchy voice breaks through the darkness behind me.

"So you finally saw him?" Grandpa asks me. He rocks in a wooden chair not far away. I turn towards him and nod slowly. "He's been hanging around here, waiting for you to get off the bus from middle school ya know. He really missed you."

"I know." I say, remarkably calm.

"You forgave him, didn't you? I know you never got over his death."

I nod.

"He wanted me to give you something..." Grandpa stands. The tall, elderly lion walks to his personal safe. One that I've always wondered the contents of. He spins the lock with practiced skill, activating the tumblers until he can open the thick door. I can't see what's in it, but he pulls out a package wrapped in brown paper, then closes and locks the safe. He carries the package to me, and holds it out for me.

"He told me to wait until you were ready." I take the package from him, and rip the brown paper away. A black and red striped scarf falls onto my lap, along with a small baggie with a note on it. I pick up the scarf and sniff it. It still smells like him. I put it around my neck, then pick up the small baggie, holding it up to the light. It contains six earrings. Eli's earrings. My paw moves to my right ear. It's completely void of jewelry. I take the note off of the baggie and hold it to the dancing flame to read.

'Wear these proudly, 'lil kit. Never forget who you are. ~Eli'

I smile to myself. He knows exactly what to say... I sniff the scarf again, reveling in the memories of my favorite babysitter. Grandpa puts his paw on my shoulder and squeezes, before turning and going back up the stairs to join the rest of the family. I stay there, sitting in front of the fire, and sniffing the scarf. Luke comes down not long later with a hot bowl of soup. He sets it on a stand next to me and kisses my head before leaving me with my thoughts. I can tell that he respects my privacy. He knows that I need some time alone.

I don't touch the soup. I don't want it right now. All I want is to remember all of the good times I had forgotten. All the good times that my anger at Eli managed to erase. They all come back with his scent, as though the scarf held his memories for all of these years. My brain shows me what could be described as a home movie of all the fun times we had. Him chasing me down the halls, and over jungle gyms, threatening to tickle me to death. Us building a treehouse. My first bike ride. I even remember him teaching me to tie my shoes. I remember him telling me to never give up when I was learning to play the guitar.

All these memories and more flood through me. Here, in this dimly lit basement, I smile and laugh out loud to myself. To an outsider, I'd look crazy, but to me, I've never been happier. I laugh like a damn fool, swimming in the childish adventures of stick fighting and roll play. As the memories start to wane, I look up at the ceiling, still grinning.

"See ya later, big bro."