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'You did WHAT?!!' 'Yeah...' 'But why?! I thought everything went great with you and Terry!' 'I know, it's fucked up...' 'Well hey, I'm not the one to judge you but damn, you really messed up this time, Ceylan.' 'I'm well aware of that, thanks for reminding me...' 'No but I mean... Things could've gone differently if you came out to him from the very beginning.' 'Look... I honestly don't need the "I told you so" preach, okay? I feel shitty enough already...' 'I don't mean it like that... I mean, you could've told Terry and if you really wanted to have sex with her, you really think he was gonna deny you that?' 'Psh...' 'What?' 'I can't believe what I'm hearing from you, you know me longer then today.' 'What are you talking about?' 'You might think being bi-sexual is a nice relationship perk and whenever it comes to being bi-sexual, you only want sex, nothing more but that's not the case with me! I thought you knew that by now! I'm not like that and I fucking hate it how you always insinuate that!' 'What exactly is so wrong about wanting to have sex with a girl??' 'Nothing, that's the whole point! But you keep assuming that I'm always after sex! I'm in love with this girl, Sam! It's not just about having sex with her...! I don't jump on every girl I meet...! I just don't like it when you think being in love with a girl equals constantly wanting to have sex with her and nothing else... I want so much more with her...'

The following evening, when I was at home in my own room, I called Samantha and told her everything. Talking to Nikki didn't really make me feel any better because she was just as upset as I was for losing Terry. But, as expected, Samantha was really surprised that Terry and I broke up because with all the stories I shared with her, I always made it sound like we were the happiest couple on the planet. And just like that, I tossed him aside, like he never meant anything to me to be with the girl I fell in love with. The fact that this particular girl was also Terry's best lady friend didn't make it any easier... 'Yeah, well, my perception on bi-sexuality is a little different. I don't really call myself bi but I just like having it off with a girl every once in a while. David lets me if I'd find a girl I'm comfortable with so why can't you and Terry do that?' 'Pfffff...' 'What, what'd I say?' 'Things do get a little more complicated than that when you start to have feelings for this girl, Sam... It's really not that simple as you say it is...' 'Hm...' 'Look, I'm sorry, okay? It's just... Things are just so fucked up...' 'What exactly made you doubt if you have feelings for the both of them?' 'Well... I think my feelings for her are stronger than what I feel for Terry... And I think it happened when she came out to me as a lesbian... Nikki and I have always been close but it wasn't until then I started to question if there might be more to us...' 'I see...' 'So, I kept seeing her behind Terry's back and I often lied to him... Feeding him bullshit stories and trying to keep everything a secret... And at some point, I couldn't keep up anymore... Not only because it got more complicated for me with each day that passed by but also because I feel guilty...' 'And Nikki, how does she feel about it?' 'She feels terrible about it! Nikki said that I've put her in a difficult position but she chose to be, in order for us to be together...' 'But she could've said no...' 'That's what she said at first! Nikki didn't want to give in at first, afraid of what might happen! Nevertheless, she eventually gave in and confessed to me she has feelings for me. So Nikki was lying to Terry as well but felt terrible about it until she couldn't take it anymore. I already knew what would happen if we told Terry but Nikki honestly believed that telling him would make all the difference there is. But instead, we lost Terry, not only as my boyfriend but as her best friend as well...' 'Heh...' 'Terry was really hurt, Sam... Nikki and I both stabbed him in the back and tossed him aside just like that... Telling him that all the bullshit I've put him through was for nothing really hurt his feelings... So yeah, I understand the way he reacted...' 'Yeah...' 'I don't know if it can ever be set right again...' 'You never gave him the chance to express how he feels about it...' 'It wouldn't make a difference...' 'Perhaps... But you do you really want to break up like this, to keep feeling guilty about it?' 'No...'

Nikki and I never wanted to lose Terry over this. And even though I made my choice and wanted to stay with Nikki, I still wanted Terry to stay with us. Either as friends or to find a way to work things out. But being with Nikki would mean that Terry was going to be second choice and he already stated that he wasn't gonna wait around for that... I talked to Samantha for about an hour and it was around ten o'clock when our conversation ended. I felt tired but I really wasn't keen on going to bed, knowing it would keep me awake for hours in bed. So I took place behind my computer and went to 9gag.com in an attempt to end the evening with a smile. It's a website full of internet-meme's and has several categories, like making fun of unwanted celebrities, pop culture references, rage-comics and pictures with humorous captions. It usually did the trick to put a smile on my face whenever I felt a little down or needed some distraction. Anyway, after scrolling down and chuckling at a picture or two, I came across a picture of a girl cuddling her boyfriend while her boyfriend held hands with her friend behind her back. I can't really remember what it said as a caption but it had me laughing. Something about a triangle relationship and "forever alone". But after I was done laughing, I stared at it for a while and it had me thinking...

Is it possible for someone to be in love with a girl, as well with a boy at the same time? I thought it was very uncommon and socially not acceptable for someone to have those feelings for two different people. I always thought that being bi-sexual meant that you had to pick a side and stick with it, so to speak. Of course, I did my research and looked for articles about bi-sexuality on the internet back when I was so confused about it but I never had to deal with this before. So I opened up a new tab in Firefox and looked around on Google by literally typing "being in love with a girl and a boy at the same time". It had over four hundred and ten million hits... I was scrolling down those pages and opened an article to read more about it and I found out that it's actually not that uncommon for someone to have feelings for a boy and a girl at the same time... The only question is, how do you deal with it? The "pro and con list" I made of Terry and Nikki didn't really do the trick because I had to make a choice I didn't want to make. The only reason why I broke up with Terry was simply because Terry isn't a girl... Bisexuality is about loving people for who they are. And I love Terry because well, he's Terry. Nothing more... My feelings for him became lesser when we had our fights and I was more focused on being with Nikki... Looking for a comforting shoulder to place my head on whenever I had a fight with Terry... But I still have feelings for him nonetheless... And then I found this article about polyamorous relationships... I was reading it through and all the symptoms I could relate myself to were described in that article. Things like being in love with two persons at the same time, the desire to be intimate with them, absolutely everything that had me so confused. But reading about it made me curious... So I opened up another tab and Googled the definition of polyamory relationships. It is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. "Wow..." I kept looking around, to find more answers to the things that were troubling me. An idea is like a little seed planted in your brain... Give it enough water and it'll grow... And like most impulsive thoughts, this one wasn't thought through... But it gave me hope that I could set things right between Terry and me and that was good enough for me...

For several days, it had me thinking. I saw Terry walking in the hallways in college that week but he wasn't even looking at me anymore. Each and every time I tried to approach him, he simply just turned the other way. Being ignored by him was painful... Because it made me feel that the things we had meant nothing to him anymore... But I guess I could only blame myself for that... Every night, I stared at his phone-number, hesitating to call him, to say what I wanted to say and give him a chance to express how he felt. But I felt I would never be ready for such a confrontation. Nevertheless, the guilt I felt for hurting his feelings like that only grew with each passing day until one night, I couldn't think straight anymore and I dialled his number. But on the first try, the call got declined... The second and the third were also declined... And well, it had me crying because I took the hint... And as a last desperate attempt, I've sent him a text message, basically begging for him to talk to me... To call me... And after I've sent the message, I kept staring at the display of my mobile phone to see if he would respond... But as the minutes were ticking by, I wasn't getting any... I stared at the display for a long time, waiting for something to happen... And at some point, I placed my phone on my night stand and rolled over on my side in bed, clenching on the blankets as my pillows got soaked with bitter tears... I closed my eyes and tried to let everything sink in but thinking about it only seemed to make it worse... Wondering how things ever came to this... Nikki just did what she thought was right to do, just like I did at the time... It proved to me once more that you can't always rely on your feelings and do the things that it tells you to do... And perhaps I was living in my own little world where everything was to be perfect... Thinking my life is just like a movie except it was missing a director... It's funny how I always seem to hurt the people I love the most... It's funny how I always managed to fuck up... And I always wanted to believe that someone else was to blame for all the shit that was happening... But this was just another example that I had no one else to blame but myself... And just like that, I got pulled out of that perfect little world I thought I was in and got plunged in the harsh reality...

As the minutes were ticking by, I was staring at the wall in blank space while clenching on a pillow, soaked with tears... I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep and that this would be just one of those sleepless nights... And just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, I heard a quiet humming sound coming from my nightstand... It took me several moments to realize it was my phone but once I turned over and saw on the display that Terry was calling me, I sat upright in bed and answered it as quickly as I could... 'H-Hello...?' 'Hey, it's me...' 'Hey, Terry... How are you feeling...?' 'I'm okay, I guess...' 'Heh...' 'What about you...?' 'I feel terrible... I shouldn't have treated you like that...' 'Hm...' 'L-Listen, I, uhm... I-I don't want to fight you anymore... I'm so sick of all the lies and all the fights that we had... And... I-I don't want things to end like this...' 'Me neither...' 'So, uhm... Maybe you and I can talk about it... I-I want to explain but... Not like this...' 'No...' 'W-What do you mean...?' 'I mean... What's there to explain, Ceylan...?' 'Why I did it...' 'What would you expect me to say if you did...?' 'Nothing...' 'Heh... I get the feeling that it wouldn't change anything...' 'Please...' 'No...' 'Terry, I-I know you're angry with me a-and you got all the right to be b-but... Please... Hear me out... I've been more honest to you than I've ever been by telling you... I-I can't expect you to do the same but please, I-I'm asking you, Terry... Be honest... Talk with me...'

It stayed silent for a long time... It was clear that Terry was quite upset... I heard him taking deep sighs and scraping his throat on the phone several times but the longer I wasn't getting an answer, the more trouble I had to hold back the tears... And then he said it, very quietly... 'What time do your classes finish tomorrow...?' 'Uhm... Half passed three...' 'Okay... Okay, I'll meet you outside C-Wing then...' 'Thank you...'

It stayed quiet for another while once more as I heard him sigh quietly and scraping his throat several times... I honestly had no idea what to say... 'I honestly can't tell you how sorry I am, Terry...' 'Yeah... Me too...' 'You're not the one who is supposed to feel sorry... It's all my fault...' 'Is it...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'Heh...' 'Will Nikki come too...?' 'N-No...! I mean, uhm... No, it's best that we're alone...' 'Okay... Just... Don't be mad at Nikki... It's not her fault...' 'I'm not... Nikki simply just gave in to something she wanted for so long...' 'Heh...' 'And I guess it's something you want as well...' 'I just didn't know what to do anymore...' 'It's getting late... So...' 'Yeah... Goodnight, Terry...' 'Goodnight...'

Once the call got disconnected, I kept staring at the display of my mobile phone. I still wanted to hear his voice... Sad thing is that I realized that staying friends wouldn't be an option anymore... I couldn't stay friends with him anymore and thought it was best to break off all contact with him... But that night, I also realized that it was going to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be... Hearing his voice wanted me to grovel at as his feet if that's what it would take to have me back... But I figured I would tell him that the next day... Once I placed my mobile phone on my nightstand, I rolled over on my side while so many thoughts were occupying my mind... With all the worries I had, I wasn't able to catch much sleep that night... But that little talk I had with Terry would change everything...

The next day, I woke up at seven AM when my alarm clock went off. My eyes seemed as if they were glued shut. Looking at the clock made me realize I only had four hours of sleep... Way too little... So it took a lot of effort for me to get out of bed and to make my way to the bathroom. To take a quick shower and let the water turn cold before I was getting out seemed to give me a lot of energy but once I was done brushing my teeth, it felt as if that quickly drained out of me. Even putting some clothes on and brushing my hair felt so tiresome... Once I was done and looked at myself in the mirror, I looked like absolute shit... Even Catherine said that I didn't look too good once I got downstairs... I only told her that I was feeling under the weather and didn't get much sleep last night... So she made me some tea and I still had fifteen minutes before I had to go off to college. Sitting on the couch and watching the news on TV almost made me fell asleep again... I snapped out of it when the clock struck eight...

It was honestly the longest day I've ever had... I really wasn't able to pay much attention to the classes I had and quite honestly, I didn't really care... All I wanted was this day to be over but then I remembered I still had to meet with Terry after class... During the lunch-break, I bought two cans of Red Bull at the gas-station not too far from college. It helped a little and I managed to get through. Once my classes were over for the day, I got outside, Terry was waiting for me outside as he said he would be but he made a rather nervous impression the moment he noticed me... So I walked up to him and quietly said hi... And Terry responded by giving me a weak smile and a nod... So the two of us started walking while it stayed quiet on the way...

We eventually reached the park and took a seat on a bench when we were alone. I was very nervous but Terry didn't seem to be as comfortable as well... I know it's never easy when you're discussing a break up and telling someone the how and the why but I honestly never pictured it like this... Quite frankly, I thought I never had to have this conversation with anyone... 'So, uhm... How you doing, Terry?' 'I'm okay... How about you?' 'I'm alright...' 'Good, good...' 'Heh... Listen, uhm...' 'Yeah...?' 'I don't want things to end with a fight between the two of us...' 'So this really is it, then...?' 'Terry, I don't want this... I don't want to make a choice between you and Nicole and...' 'What made you break up with me...?' 'You're not a girl...' 'Seriously, that's the only reason...?' 'Yeah...' 'Heh... Things start to make sense now, though...' 'What do you mean?' 'Telling me to have sex with other girls back then? If you really wanted to, you could've just told me that, you know...' 'No, no, it's not like that... I only told you that because, well... I wasn't sure if I was ever able to go that far but... It was also because I wanted to see a girl besides you... But you never gave in to that... And it caused me to see Nikki behind your back...' 'Well, that's not entirely true...' 'What do you mean?'

Terry scraped his throat and his cheeks turned red the moment I asked him what he meant... He looked really uneasy and averted his eyes from me... 'Terry, what are you talking about?' 'Uhm... The evening you broke up...' 'What about it...?' 'I called Nikki and she came by to talk... And...' 'What happened...?' 'This really isn't easy for me to tell...' 'Please tell me...'

Terry sighed deeply and got up from the bench, slowly making his way towards the pond. He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed once more... Then he confessed it... Very quietly... 'Nikki came to me that evening to talk about the break-up... I felt so fucked up about it, you know and...' 'And...?' 'I, uhm...' 'Terry, what are you trying to say...?' 'Nikki was in heat for several days that evening... She didn't really seemed to be herself...' 'Wait, what...?' 'She told me that she had known me for so many years now and always had certain feelings about me she wasn't able to place... She told me that before but... I know Nikki's not like that and I never did anything whenever we had those talks... But that night, in a moment of weakness, I took advantage of the situation... I took advantage of her trust... And... The two of us slept with each other that night...'

Hearing those words really, really took me by surprise... I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say when I looked back at him... Nevertheless, Terry wasn't facing me as his face was as red as a tomato... 'Is this true, Terry...?' 'Yeah...' 'Oh my god... Uhm...' 'So... That's the reason why I was so angry when I met you at Nikki's place... I thought she wanted to talk about what happened with us that night and I thought Nikki wanted to confess to you what we did once I saw you at her place... And then hearing you were seeing her behind my back just... You know...' 'Yeah...' 'Heh...' 'Did she wanted to or...?' 'She came on to me and well...' 'I see...' 'But now I can't even look straight in her eyes without being confronted that I took advantage of her...' 'I, uhm... I-I honestly don't know what to say...' 'Heh...' 'But, uhm... I-It's good that it happened, right...? I-I mean...' 'What do you mean?' 'I-I always told you that you could sleep with other girls so... Uhm... I-It wouldn't make that much of a difference, would it...? A-A-And we could still be together and... And... Nikki could also be with us, right...?' 'Uhm...' 'I mean, we all know now and... I, uhm... I-I honestly believe we can work this out...' 'Heh... It doesn't sound like you're too sure of that...' 'I-I think that if the three of us would sit and talk about it, we could stick together a-and...' 'I can't...' 'W-What do you mean?' 'I can't even look the two of you straight in the eyes...' 'B-But neither can we a-and if we all talk about it, we could-' 'No, Ceylan... Don't...' 'Please... Take me back and I promise, we'll make it all work...' 'I think we all made our choices...' 'S-So... You don't want me back...?' 'No...' 'B-But why?! Please, Terry... I-I know I don't have the right to say this but don't make me choose between you and Nikki... I never wanted to make that choice in the first place...' 'You don't have to... I think Nikki needs you more than I do...' 'No, please...' 'I'm sorry...'

And with that said, Terry walked away... And I still sat there on the bench, totally flabbergasted of everything that Terry said... It made me regret the things I did and the things I've said even more... And I was just so shocked to hear that Terry and Nikki slept with each other... I just couldn't think straight...

Many hours later, while I was in bed, I kept thinking about it... Out of all the girls that Terry could have, why did it had to be Nikki...? It doesn't sound like Nikki to be sleeping with someone else... More importantly, Nikki is lesbian! How the hell is that even possible?! It just didn't make any fucking sense! But what if all of it never happened? What if Terry was lying to me? Yeah... Yeah, that sounds more plausible... Terry was lying because I broke up with him... Making me mistrust Nikki in the hope to ruin my relationship with her... Some sort of revenge perhaps? God, this was so fucking unbearable... But what if Nikki really wasn't that innocent as I thought she was? She's still lesbian nonetheless, she wouldn't fuck a dude just like that! Especially when his girlfriend broke up with him that very same evening... Okay, so... What the fuck was happening? Terry and I are in love. I meet Nikki and fell in love with her. Nikki comes out to me as lesbian. I start to have feelings for her and Nikki gives in to her feelings for me as well. I break up with Terry to be with her, Nikki fucks him behind my back that very same evening. Is it me or is this not making any sense?! God... I wished I had someone to blame. I wanted to blame it on Terry but I couldn't, because I always told him it was okay for him to sleep with other girls as long as I knew about it. I wouldn't know what I would do if he told me beforehand but... I honestly believed things would be different... Nikki on the other hand, didn't look so innocent, shy and timid to me anymore... It completely ruined the way I always pictured her to be... I thought I knew her but turned out I hardly knew her at all... Still... I wanted to believe the first scenario... That Terry was lying to me about it so that I would mistrust Nikki in order to ruin my relationship with her. It seems very plausible... He had all the reason to do so... Nonetheless, that didn't answered the most important question that I had... Either Nikki or Terry was lying to me... Terry was either lying to me that he slept with Nikki or Nikki was lying to me for not telling me what really happened... Why would Nikki sleep with Terry anyway? To "balance" it all out, so to speak? No, that doesn't seem very likely... But I didn't like the idea... So the only question I had to worry about was lingering my mind that night... Who was telling me the bitter truth...?