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Welcome back, err'bodeh. Free Association, Episode 16 fer ya - if you're new and you like gay drama and smoochin', go back to Ep. 1. You'll thank me later. :3

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_ Saturday. _

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The wolf sat woodenly, for some indeterminate span of time. The dog just kept looking at him, breathing in and out, his slender chest puffing and wheezing within its bony frame. Wallace's paws twisted in front of him, meshing and unmeshing and squirming around each other.

Finally, the wolf managed a "What?"

Wallace opened his mouth, looked away, looked back immediately. "I... a little while ago, I started... losing weight. I thought it was odd, because I was eating like normal, so I mentioned it to my doctor, and they did some tests... and..."

Brad stared. His emotions churned and swirled. Confusion... Terror... Rage. "And you waited until now to tell me?!"

Wallace eeped and shrank back; Brad realized he was standing, leaning forward on the table, and the equine waitress was staring at him from across the restaurant. "Brad, it's not like that! Sit down..."

"Oh fuck..." The wolf sat, abruptly. "Oh fuck, I need to get tested, oh fucking CHRIST, Wallace, do you realize how many people I've been with since you?!" Jonathon. Oh fuck, what if he'd managed to give it to Jonathon last night? How close had they gotten, what fluids had they exchanged? Brad frantically tried to remember. He would never forgive himself if he'd...

"Calm down a second, Brad!" Wallace reached out for the other male's paw.

The wolf jerked back as though he'd been burned, staring at the canine and breathing roughly. His chair screeched back away from the table, leaving marks on the tile floor.

Wallace processed that reaction, and let his paw drop to the tabletop. "Brad, I didn't tell you because there's no way you could have gotten it from me. We got tested together, remember? I didn't cheat on you, you should know that. And I got tested a few months after I broke up with you, and nothing. You're clean. Or, if you're not, you didn't get anything from me."

The dog's voice was rational and calm, if rapid. Brad tried to slow his breathing rate, feeling as though his mind had suddenly turned back on after a momentary shutdown. "...No... no, you're right. I've been tested like ten times since we were together, and I've never come up with anything." He sat a moment more, letting the emotional intensity of the moment drain away. "I don't... I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry."

"It's okay," the canine replied, voice stable. "I... understand."

Brad glanced to Wallace's paw, lying abandoned on the tabletop.

"I would have told you sooner if I thought you were at risk... but I knew you couldn't be. Unlike... unlike a couple other people. Haven't found all of them yet." Wallace grimaced. "Only one of 'em has it probably from me so far, and he already knew about it. The rest have all been clean." The dog grimaced at the tabletop. "Makes you appreciate I have a bit of a condom fetish, dunnit? Heh."

The wolf was watching him like a hawk, now, and his brain finally articulated the series of details he'd observed over the past two encounters into a coherent thought. "Geez, Wallace... you look like shit."

Wallace chuckled unfunnily. "Yeah, I know. My T-cell count's hovering around 300."

"Is that bad?"

"Abysmal." The dog took another of those deep, shuddering breaths. He was talking to the tabletop. "I must've... I must've gotten it pretty soon after we broke up. Either right after that last time I got tested, or a little before, so it didn't show up. I don't remember feeling sick, but it was a long time ago. Either way, it's gone... kinda fast, Doc says. I shouldn't have shown any symptoms for another year or two, untreated." He huffed. "I've always had a crappy immune system, though, you remember. Guess I should have drunk my orange juice. Ha ha."

"You went ...four years without getting tested?"

Wallace looked up, and Brad was alarmed to see his eyes glistening wetly. "Uh-huh! I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I just thought I was being safe enough... and I just... never went! And then, then I started having symptoms, and I didn't know why, but I knew I hadn't been tested in a long time and I was scared, and I kinda tried to make them think it was something else, like that was gonna help, and they tested me and..."

"You're on drugs now, though, right?" Brad asked quickly.

Wallace wiped his eyes and nodded emphatically. "Oh gosh yes, loads and loads, and they're helping, kinda... my blood cells aren't skydiving anymore and I haven't had pneumonia or anything yet, and of course I've stopped seeing anyone and I'm probably not gonna d - " He stopped sharply.

"Jesus, Wallace..." Brad whispered.

"I gave that a try, too," the canine said unfunnily. "First time I've been in a church since I left for college."

The wolf looked down at the table. They sat there in silence for a bit.

"How long has it been, that you've known?"

Wallace grimaced. "Couple... couple months. Not long. I wanted to tell you, because... well, I haven't really been with anyone for serious since you. But I knew you didn't want to talk to me, so I wasn't gonna upset you, and then I saw you on Wednesday and..." He fell silent. The implication was heavy. Wallace had seen him... on a date.

The look the canine was giving him was indecipherable. Incomprehensible. Incomparable.

Brad ducked his head. The dog was sniffling again.

"Sorry," he choked out. "I'm... I still haven't really gotten used to... the idea of it all."

"It's okay," Brad said softly.

"There are things I wanted to say, and suddenly it's not as certain I'll have forever to say them..."

"I understand."

"Guess... guess I deserve this, don't I? For what I did to you?"

Brad felt that one like a fucking spear impaling him. "Of course you don't, don't be ridiculous!" he yelped.

The schnauzer grabbed the other place-setting and undid it, mopping at his eyes with the napkin. Good thing it was a paper napkin; the canine would surely never be caught blowing his nose with a cloth one. At least, if Brad knew him, and the wolf liked to think he did.

Still... people change.

"At least I fooled you into thinking I wasn't screwed up beforehand," the wolf muttered, leaning his elbows on the table uncomfortably.

Wallace huffed, and blew his nose. Coughed a little. "It's not like I don't know how... hard it hit you."

"Believe me," Brad said glumly, "I've dealt with much worse than loving a guy who doesn't want me any more."

The dog flicked an ear inquisitively at that remark... but they were no longer close enough, to talk about such things. It was odd, really. They knew each other so well. Too well. Yet, they couldn't speak on such terms. They had to pretend to be... almost acquaintances. Not even friends.

It had been a rough couple weeks, right after their breakup. Wallace was just... gone. Which was to say, he was very much too present. Brad saw him around, at clubs and stuff, with other guys, and they ignored each other. The first week or so, Brad had just avoided everything of the sort. He'd sat moping in his room while his first roommate (a seal) did things and packed up and moved out. Brad hadn't wanted to go back to his dad's place, so he'd registered for a summer class, just so he could keep living in the dorm.

The next week, he'd gone clubbing with some friends in an attempt to cheer himself up. Left them halfway through the night for a gay bar. Picked up some guy he couldn't remember, banged the sense out of him. A few nights later, same thing, different guy. Same dick, different hole. And again, and again. Take that, Wallace. Take that. Look at all these guys who want me. Look at all these fucking guys I'm fucking. They don't think I'm boring. They don't think I'm worthless. Some of them even want to have something more with me. Something you didn't want to have.

I'm sexy. Guys like me. Guys want me. But they can't have me, because I'm in control now, and I say whether or not someone gets to be with me, and to prove it I say none of them get to. It doesn't matter what they think, what they feel, what they don't feel. I'm in control. I'm not helpless. Take that, Wallace.

Eventually, he stopped seeing the canine around places. Stopped going places he knew Wallace might be. Probably, Wallace had changed his destinations as well; that was how they'd run into each other again, wasn't it? Changing one too many?

The dog cleared his throat, having regained control of himself. "I guess that puts all this into... some sort of context. Sorry for... scaring you, like that. It's hard to say, and I just... didn't do it right."

Brad shook his head. "It's okay, I wasn't thinking and I panicked. I just... I'm in kind of a delicate state right now, what with..." He fell silent. He didn't want to talk about how much he liked Jonathon in front of Wallace.

Never mind that the dog clearly understood exactly what he'd been about to mention, from the look in his emerald eyes.

Brad looked at the table uncomfortably. "I wish... this wasn't so awkward..." he muttered, in a moment of candid meta-commentary.

"Me too..." Wallace said abruptly.

Brad looked up at him warily, and sighed. "I've kind've been a dumbass about... it." He rubbed his paws over his face, feeling wrung out and drained.

"I can't argue," the canine replied, with a little smirk. "I just... you know, I did what I had to do. You needed me to leave you alone for a while, so I did. I can't say it was comfortable for me either, but I hope it... helped."

It made the wolf slightly embarrassed, to learn it had been an intentional thing on the dog's part. He looked down at his paws. "Dunno, really."

"...I never wanted to hurt you, Brad," Wallace said quietly. "I know I did, and that still bothers me."

The wolf felt strangely vulnerable and scared. "I just... want this to not be so bad anymore..." Deep breath. "I mean, it's been a long time... years..."

"Yeah." The canine rubbed the back of his neck. "Well... I'm willing to give it a shot, if you want to... try and talk through it."

Brad found himself able to meet his ex's eyes again; the ability came and went. "Really?" He huffed a bit, faintly amused in spite of his mood. "The Wally I knew would never admit he was wrong!"

The canine grimaced. A moment later, Brad cringed a bit. They sat through an awkward silence.

"...No one's called me that since you, incidentally," the canine said delicately.

"...Sorry. Slipped out." Brad swallowed. "Wallace. There."

"It's okay." Wallace dug his claws through his thin fur, before putting his paw down consciously. "In truth, though... you're right. I didn't like to admit being wrong about something, especially not something this big. But a lot of things change when you..." He stopped.

Brad nodded. "I can only imagine," he offered, sympathetically.

"...And that's not all of it. I've been... wanting to apologize properly for a long time. I just didn't know how. I still feel bad about how it ended... and after a while of doing... whatever the hell I was doing... I can't say I didn't start... regretting it." He sighed. "I still regret it. It was good. You're... you're a nice guy, Brad. I just... want you to know that, in case..."

"Hey, now..." the wolf said gently. Wallace gulped and looked up at him, eyes welling again.

Brad gave the dog's paw a very conscious look, and then slowly reached out and wrapped his own two paws around it.

"It'll be okay," he said, with a reassuring smile. "The drugs they have nowadays are pretty darn good, right?"

Wallace nodded, trying to maintain control of himself. "Pretty good, yeah."

"You'll be fine. We've got plenty of time," the wolf said soothingly. "If you want to say things, then you can say as much as you like."

"It's... it's all been such a mess!" the dog expelled. "I haven't been with a single guy I felt good about since! I wanted to be wild and free and have lots of sex with lots of people, and I sure as hell managed that, and over the years it was just so damn awful, to never have anyone hold me and tell me they... they..." He swallowed. "...they love me."

"Yeah..." Brad said. He couldn't say he understood, though.

There'd been all too much of that phrase, not that long ago, and too little of it meaning anything. Too much of it twisting and crashing and burning like it was doused in gasoline. He wasn't too keen on that phrase anymore, no thanks to Dillon.

"There was never one moment that I just knew it was the wrong thing, but over time, oh, god, Brad, it was so... It was so..." His eyes finally spilled over. "Probably just what I deserved. Sure seemed that way at the time. Seemed like I was getting my payback for how unhappy I made you, and now this... this thing..."

The wolf didn't have anything to say, now. Hearing Wallace vent like this was... comforting, in an odd, empathetic way. At least he wasn't the only one who'd found their romantic collapse... so terrible. He wasn't the only one who hurt.

Poor Wallace.

"I... I never should have left you, Brad..." the dog murmured softly. "I was... a big fucking idiot. I didn't really know what I wanted. Not only did I lose the only good thing I ever got, but I got myself sick because of it, and I screwed you up pretty damn good, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Brad..."

The wolf sat there and watched his old boyfriend snuffle into his napkin. It was a lot like watching a girl cry, with those long eyelashes. Wallace behaved like a man, though, trying to hide it and rub it away and regain control of himself, almost before he'd even started.

Brad just held his paw and sat there, feeling a lot of conflicting things. Crushing sympathy. Lingering pain and self-hate. Defiance, fear, anger, misery.

It had been so tough to convince himself he wasn't... just dirt. Worthless, unappealing, disgusting. Stupid, ugly, and bad at sex. He'd banged half the gay male population trying to disprove those hovering accusations, and he hated himself for that, now, too. And in the end, he still wasn't convinced, even today, that he wasn't trash.

If Wallace didn't think he was worth it, who would?

The wolf looked out the window at the gray world. He felt numb. Too many emotions. Not enough... Not enough...

Far away, a little wolf had a little thought: Jonathon... seemed to think he was worth it.

Worth taking a chance on a relative stranger. Worth continuing with, even when the wolf royally dicked up their first attempt at a sexual encounter.

Maybe Brad didn't feel all that great about himself. But if Jonathon thought he was really worth it... Worth trying... worth some effort, worth giving a chance...

Brad had known the lingering sense of unworthiness he carried away from Wallace had been superficial and unfounded. He'd known it for years. But he hadn't been able to bring himself to believe it.

But... Jonathon thought he was worth it.

Duh.

He couldn't say it made him feel teriffic. If he hadn't gotten with Dillon, and to some degree even accepted that feeling like dirt was the new norm, perhaps...

Hell, if it hadn't been for Jonathon, he probably would have been at The Pink Paw last night. Memories of Dillon be damned, he probably could've used another round of ego-boosting. Drain his spunk into some pretty slut like it gave him meaning, what a joke.

Maybe he was pretty low. Junk. He wasn't sure he didn't believe that still. But, he had Jonathon now. And Jonathon... truly believed he was worth... something, at least. More than nothing.

Something.

One fur's trash was another fur's treasure, right?

The wolf actually smiled at that, a little wryly, but it was a smile. He gave Wallace's bony paw a little rub. Poor guy. It wasn't his fault Brad was a wreck. Everyone made shitty choices, and Wallace had sure gotten more than his due.

"It's all right..." he murmured. He wasn't sure what exactly to say, but he didn't want Wallace to sit there miserable. Reminded him too much of Jonathon, last night. And... of himself.

Wallace looked up at him, drops of water glittering in his eyelashes. When had Brad gotten so good at making guys cry? What an awful superpower.

Something else occurred to him, then, and he smiled a little more, as he realized it was an honest thought.

"I forgive you..."

Wallace snuffled.

"I mean it."

Swallow. "I know you do..." The canine managed a bitter smile. "Never said anything you didn't mean, I don't think."

"I have," the wolf replied. "But I don't prefer it." Nor did he want to talk about it. He let go of the dog's paw, now that Wallace was looking a little better... and he didn't feel so bad about it lying on the tabletop like that.

Wallace blew his nose again. "So... what's his name?"

Brad huffed a little. "Uh... Jonathon." Couldn't say the topic didn't make him a bit nervous, still.

"He's definitely cute. Student?"

"Yup. Met him in a coffee shop, heh."

Wallace smiled. "You two sure have that in common, then."

"For sure."

"Known him long?"

"Not... not really. Actually, not even a week yet. Wednesday was our first time out." Brad gulped. "But, I'm feeling pretty good about him."

"Good," Wallace said, a small smile playing around his features; he really looked like he meant it, and that made Brad smile too.

"Heh, was worried you might be jealous," the wolf admitted.

"Maybe a bit at first," the dog replied, "but I'm not pining over you or anything. I want you to be happy, you deserve it. We had a good time, and it probably shouldn't've ended when it did. But, it ended, and I'm... comfortable with that, by this point."

"Good." Brad sat back a little.

The schnauzer fixed him with a look. "Are you comfortable with it?"

Well, that was the question, wasn't it? Brad blew out a breath that ruffled his bangs, and cast about the empty restaurant with his eyes, looking at nothing in particular. "I... yeah, I guess I am. Can't say I still feel the way I did about you... so I guess I am." His ex didn't need to know the complex details... only the simple truth: that there was that field of ash, where Brad's feelings had once been. That he was no longer in love with the guy who hadn't loved him back.

Wallace smiled a bit. "I suppose I didn't know for sure."

"Well, it's been a long time, and I was in a pretty serious relationship for a year or so... shook all those feelings up, you know." Brad shrugged.

"Oh, really?" Wallace tilted his head. "That one... ended?"

"Very badly," the wolf rumbled.

"Ah. Won't ask about it, then." The schnauzer grimaced. "Know enough about things ending very badly for you, already."

"I appreciate it." Brad smiled.

The breakup with Dillon had been worse. But he didn't have to say that.

The canine folded his paws, tentative; both of them felt the meeting drawing to a close. "So, then... Are we... friends again?"

It was a very curious feeling, which overtook the wolf at that moment. As though... as though he wanted to smile, but knew he shouldn't.

He didn't smile. "Yeah, all right."

Wallace did. "Good. I was... hoping we could work things out." He sighed. "I... feel like I could use a friend, recently."

The wolf sat still, for a moment, at that remark.

Then he stood, and walked around the table. Brad picked that dog up in the biggest hug he could manage.

Wallace felt much worse than he looked, frail and bony and lacking the subtle curves that had once covered those big bones. His breath wheezed and shuddered inside his ribcage, a reminder that he was still around... for however much longer.

But, that was true for everyone. Brad, Jonathon, everyone. However much longer.

The wolf drew back, though the dog still clung to him a little as he was set on his feet. "Well, you got one, okay?"

Wallace breathed out a bit, and gave Brad a look that made him feel pretty good about himself. And wasn't that what Brad had wanted, after all?

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"HIV does not make people dangerous to know, so you can shake their hands and give them a hug: Heaven knows they need it." - Diana, Princess of Wales

If you're interested in the topic I've been dealing with recently, one of the best treatments of HIV in the fandom I have ever seen is the comic/graphic novel Circles, published by Rabbit Valley. Really excellent story, worth a read or several.

Also, if you're sexually active and not monogamous, please be sure to use condoms and get tested regularly - no frequency is 'too often'. There, there's my PSA.

We've been a bit dark recently, what with the events of Friday and now this meeting, but I think things should progress to lighter shades of gray in the near future. Keep up with the thoughtful comments and faving and votes, always cheer me up. :3 See you guys next week.