FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

___

When Loki returned to Raizac's tent, the group that was there before the meeting seemed to have dispersed. The only ones who were there were Raon, Jarek and Inoa, who at the time seemed to be busy blaming the two of them for something. The lynx did not look capable of paying the slightest attention to her words, and from the large coppery wolf's look of boredom, he supposed that Jarek wasn't either.

He stood a few yards behind them looking on with interest, knowing that if he approached any closer to Inoa she would drag him into the discussion. But, rather, she only noticed Raon and Jarek, who remained together enduring the relentless barrage of arguments and reasons that the black hare gave them to fulfill the mission that was expected of them. At that time, he was even able to imagine the invisible bond that existed between them two, a connection that Mother Kara had planned years ago. But the Human looked weary and Loki knew that even at the risk of receiving Inoa's fury, he should not be a spectator and had to get them out of there at any cost.

He did not have the opportunity to do so, however, before Inoa turned to him with an accusing look.

-You! -she exclaimed, with some disdain that, basically, the lynx knew he didn't feel -. How did you dare to give these two a choice?

Raon and Jarek, sensing Loki's presence, sent him a pleading look, looking for any kind of help. The lynx smiled gently and shrugged, as he approached the group slowly.

-But how can you take it so calmly? -the hare rebuked him, dumbfounded -. We are talking about the future of the two races! Everything we have been fighting for all this time! The last wish of Mother Kara! And your only response when these... these... inept ones say they do not want to do it, is to shrug your shoulders?

-I've said it before and I'll say it again, Inoa -Loki replied, quietly -. It must be their choice if they finally accept the mission.

-And the fate of the world is subject to their will? -Inoa asked, shaking her head in disbelief, what made his ears to sway slightly -. I hate to tell you this Loki, but I think that things are already bad enough and while it may please you to let them choose, we don't have the option to let this opportunity pass.

Loki gave her a long look. Then he noticed that Jarek and Raon were still there, watching the discussion with interest, and sighed.

-I think we need to talk about this alone -he ventured to say, even knowing that it was not the complete truth -. You two can go on to the feast, if you want.

Jarek's face lit up and Raon smiled as well, understanding what the young lynx desired. However, Inoa did not seem to be satisfied.

-Oh, no. No, no, no! You will not let them go like that. These two young people have to learn...!

-These two boys are just that: young -Loki interrupted her with patience, while making a gesture with a concealed paw towards the camp, that only Jarek and Raon could see -. If you are going to start forcing them to accept their fate so eagerly, they will be frightened and will not want to face it. Don't you understand?

-No, I do not understand -Inoa replied, while directing a glance at the two links, on their way to camp without missing a beat. Then again she turned her gaze to Loki, with a flash of curiosity -. When I was told you were chosen to carry out the mission, I thought you were the right one, Loki. But now... watching this... I do not know what to think. I would say that they chose someone too soft.

Loki frowned, somewhat annoyed.

-Look, Inoa, it's so easy -he tried to explain, and knew that this would be the last time he would -. If you do not give them time to digest the situation, they will refuse and flatly deny that they are the links. They are young, and they're tired of running away and want a break. Let them at least enjoy this night.

In silence, he could not avoid thinking that, well, now that he knew of Raon's feelings toward the wolf, he wanted to give him some chance to communicate them... or, at least, to have some fun with him, knowing that the journey that was awaiting them was too dangerous and hard to afford it. But not telling her all the reasons why he wanted to give the Human and the wolf that little respite was not lying. He was just hiding part of the truth.

-We are also young, and we know our responsibilities -Inoa reminded him, wryly -. You're not much older than them.

-Five years and, if I'm here, it is because I have chosen it -Loki answered, gently -. There is no comparison. And... I do not want to talk about it anymore, truthfully -he paused -. Do you happen to know... where Rukj is?

-He was in the camp, helping prepare the fires -said the hare, a little surprised by the question -. Why...?

-There's something I need to talk to him about -Loki said quickly.

-About the Human and his mission?

-No.

He refused to give any more details, so deliberately ignored the confused look the black hare gave him, practically pretending she did not exist. She seemed to get the message across, because after a few seconds in which she was trying to figure out what were the intentions of the lynx, she frowned and her face grew upset and indignant.

-I don't know what you're up to, Loki -the hare warned at last, as she backed a step -. But to allow them so much freedom... Anyway. I hope you know what you are doing.

Loki nodded in silence.

Inoa gave him one last look as she tried to analyze him, before turning around and heading with a proud step towards the camp, not far from there. Loki was left alone again, while inwardly trying to apologize to Inoa.

He had known her for several years, actually, and understood her concerns. In fact, when both were part of the Order and they had been instructed by their masters, it might have been said that they had got on... well. Actually, Loki could never have been able to speak with such certainty to someone he had not known for quite some time, for the simple fact that his shyness would have prevented it. Sometimes he wished simply that he could more easily allow himself to trust someone.

Better that than to feel a prisoner of his own shame.

But that night he was willing to do anything to escape from his shyness and whatever it took, he would not allow it to keep him quiet any longer.

No. That night he would be himself for once and he would risk saying what he really felt.

Even if he had to bury his shame to do it.

He had to repeat those words more than once when he had launched his plan and informed Rukj that he had something important to talk about with him.

Although he tried to reassure himself countless times and having taking several deep breaths to try to calm the wild beating of his heart, the palms of his paws were sweating and he was unable to keep from trembling slightly. As he walked into the outskirts of the camp, followed closely by Rukj, he was slowly picking the words to say, what phrase to start with for that uncomfortable conversation... but, for some reason, a fog seemed to have possessed his mind and was confusing everything he was thinking about.

It was frustrating; his thoughts were so confused and chaotic, before he was even able to sort them out they escaped through his fingers and disappeared. All the security that had been accumulated during the conversation with Raon had vanished as if it had never existed, and now... Now he did not know exactly what to do, or say. Moreover, knowing that he had already told Rukj he had something important to talk to him about and that, like it or not, wolf's amber eyes were now fixed on his neck, just did not help him to stay calm . There was no turning back now.

He could only go forward, like it or not.

After a few minutes walking, they both finally reached the lake in which Loki had previously held such an intimate conversation with Raon. If the lynx was doing what he proposed, that would be the second intimate conversation the waters of that lake would witness tonight.

-What happens now, Loki? -asked the black wolf, without wasting any more time than necessary -. Is there anything about the Chain that you have not told me?

Loki blinked a few times, surprised by the question, but finally shook his head slowly and let out a long sigh, trying to calm down. He was able to perceive the question in the brightness of Rukj's eyes and, for some reason, that did nothing but make him more nervous. For a few seconds he would have liked to be more direct like the wolf, and not have so much difficulty speaking.

-No ... -he replied. His voice trembled and he had to clear his throat -. It's not that... I...

Rukj moved a little closer, somewhat worried about the doubts that appeared in the lynx's voice, who, because of this, could not help but get even more nervous and turn his back, lowering his gaze to the ground.

-I have something to tell you, Rukj -Loki said quietly, as he gathered his paws and tried to calm down.

For some reason, he could not stop shaking and was able to feel every beat of his heart in his head, while a cold sweat had already soaked his forehead, dampening his fur. Why... why the hell was he not able to relax a little, for a change?

-Is there a problem? -the wolf asked, from behind him.

-No -the lynx answered quickly, looking away toward the lake -. It's that... I... -the sentence died on his lips, while searching for the words to continue with -... I should have told you this long ago.

-What do you mean? -Rukj asked, approaching a few steps -. Loki, are you okay?

At that time, the black wolf set one of his huge paws on the lynx's shoulder, who let out a gasp as he turned his head toward him, increasingly nervous. Trying to contain his excitement and to stop from making a fool of himself, Loki turned to him slowly, wringing his paws still not knowing exactly what to do with them or where to hide. The wolf's eyes glowed with a deep curiosity and, above all, with a growing concern.

<<It's easy>> said one part of his mind, trying to soothe him. <<Just tell him. Once you do, everything will be easier>>. << ...But what if he gets scared? >> desperately asked the other half of his conscience, still trembling with terror at that possibility << ... What if he does not feel the same, does not like that I feel so... and it drives him away from me forever? >> That possibility made his heart shrink.

It was a difficult war.

The rewards were high, but the price to pay if it failed was not far behind. Should he take a risk and jump into the battle without a second thought... or else would it be better to stay safely hidden behind a facade made of lies?

-What has happened is that... -he began, trying to follow the directions of the first half of his mind, one that still had hope -. From the first day I met you... well... you've been someone very important to me -those words sent a shiver running down his spine -. I'll always be grateful to you for helping me in Frostmoon, when I was lost and no one to turn to. Even when you faced the Guard when they wanted to accuse me of being your accomplice -helplessly, he blushed slightly under his fur having remembering all those moments -. And, if not for you, I'd still be prostrate at Ronod's feet, in that dungeon, languishing from the cold... or probably dead.

Rukj cocked his head.

-I could not have left you there. If I helped you was because it was right -said the wolf, not knowing exactly where the young lynx was going.

-Yes -Loki sighed, looking up and fixing it in the eyes of the wolf -. But that's not all... I... -he bit his lower lip, until he finally knew it was time to jump into the battlefield -. I like you, Rukj. I really like you.

The last word that escaped his lips was barely a whisper, but still the message was perfectly audible. The lynx looked down, completely embarrassed, feeling like the blush was returning again. <<Idiot>> he told himself, cursing his own shyness. <<Idiot, idiot, idiot>>.

But, on the other hand... he had done it. He had told him and the hardest part was over. Although, at that time, he would have preferred that the earth would swallow him, he could not help thinking that, after all this time carrying it in silence, taking that load off had been a relief.

-What do you mean... you like me? -Rukj repeated, as if to make sure he had heard right, as he gently removed his paw from the lynx's shoulder.

-Yes -said Loki, with a faint voice -. From the first day we met I've been watching you and... well... I could not go on any longer without telling you.

After saying those words he felt even more embarrassed and completely unable to raise his head, a prisoner of his own shyness. However, he was able to notice that Rukj was still looking at his neck, while his own gaze was lost on the floor between his feet. Loki could almost imagine his eyes, still full of curiosity; he watched in absolute silence over the lynx who had confessed his feelings... or, perhaps, he was managing contain some of the tenderness in his look which the young lynx had ever dreamed of. In the worst case, Rukj was watching in disbelief and even some pained expression... but, actually, and in spite of the fact that he would have liked to known more of what the wolf was thinking at that moment, Loki knew he would never be able to look up to find out the truth.

A few tense seconds ensued, wrapped in an almost respectful silence. Loki, paws pressing hard against his stomach and his head down, waiting for the Rukj's verdict like someone expecting the blow of a guillotine... At that time the only thing that could be heard apart from the tense silence was breathing of the lynx and not far away, the faint sounds of the feast that was being celebrated in the camp.

Until, finally, the silence came to an end, and without knowing why, Loki flinched as if he feared it would hurt him.

-Loki -Rukj began, with a hint of insecurity in his voice -. I... I am very sorry. I'm afraid that I do not feel the same.

It was as if, for a few seconds, the world had been frozen.

Jarek stretched his legs, while sitting on the floor, and his eyes quickly analyzed all those who were around the campfire, laughing, shouting and dancing as if that was the happiest day of their lives. Somewhat nervous, he suppressed a shudder when he saw that one of the lynxes that traveled in caravan performed a dangerous stunt too close to the fire, it could have ended with him in the middle of the burning flames. He looked away towards the ground, uncomfortable, and tried to think clearly while his ears still echoed with, sound and rhythm like the beating of his heart, the sound of happiness from all that people.

What were they actually celebrating? That the Human had come to the caravan? Or simply to have someone new traveling with them again, no matter who it was? <<Perhaps>> thought the wolf in silence, as he raised his eyes again and let them rest on fire, not without some nervousness <<, not even they know what is being celebrated. Perhaps the only important thing is the celebration itself. >>

In silence, he tried to go over the words he had heard inside the tent, the legend that Loki had spoken about, the mission that he and Raon had to fulfill. His first reaction upon hearing those words had been similar to that of young Human, for a moment, he had not believed his ears and had seriously doubted that he and Raon would be able to perform such a feat. Ending the War that had for so long ravaged the world? Erase in a single stroke all of the hatred that exists between Humans and Beasts? Get that they reconciled as old friends that, at some point, had started with a stupid unjustified dispute? None of that seemed remotely possible for a young wolf just fifteen and a Human who must also be around the same age. Much less, knowing that, at the time, they were little more than public enemies and any of their movements had to be performed with the greatest of stealth if they were to avoid being quietly dismembered or worse in a city square.

But even so, Jarek was hoping he could do something. He had spent too much time suffering because of war, because of the hatred between races, and could not help but wish, from the bottom of his heart, that it was already all over. He had known since the day he was born, that it was impossible for anyone else to be able to understand someone like he understood it, but he still had a dream that one day it would all be over and he could again walk the streets of Frostmoon without fearing that someone would point a finger and shout his name as the traitor who had allowed a Human to stay in his home. Nothing would have made him happier than to see the world united again: Humans and Beasts finally able to live together in harmony without cruelly killing each other.

That was the basis of his desire to fight, to try to change things for the better. The other reason he was willing to take the risk had a name, and at that time, was just a few inches from him.

Silently, he turned his head and watched Raon for a while and could not help but smile slightly as he found the Human's eyes closed and head resting against his shoulder, about to fall asleep completely. Taking care not to startle him, Jarek reached out with a paw to gently shake him and wake him up.

Raon quickly opened his eyes and let out a soft snort of surprise, which caused the wolf's smile to grow wider.

-What? -he asked the Human, still with his paw on his shoulder -. You could not take any more, huh?

Raon took a few seconds to understand the words and still half awake, put his hand to his head, trying to stretch a bit.

-No ... -he finally said quietly, -. Sorry, I know I said I would be at the feast with you, but I was very sleepy...

Jarek cocked his head and continued watching, fascinated, as the Human rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. He could not help thinking that, at that time, the appearance of the young Human was touching.

-Shall we go to the tent now? -he offered, letting out a soft laugh -. Otherwise, I'll just watch you fall asleep here.

-Yes, please -said Raon, giving him a look of deep gratitude.

The wolf nodded and both rose to head back, after a few seconds, towards the canvas tent that Rukj had helped them assemble that same night. The passage of the Human was at first slow and a little unsure, but became stronger and faster when the cool night breeze woke him up a bit.

-Perhaps I should have invited you to a dance so you would not have been so bored -Jarek said, as they walked -. You would have kept awake.

-A dance? Really? -Raon asked, with a tone that was sarcasm cut through his sleep -. Next to the fire?

-Hmm... no, you're right, it may not have been such a good idea -Jarek admitted, unable to avoid smiling, despite himself. When had Raon started to be able to make him laugh? -. It would have been worth it just to see if you could dance.

-It cannot be much more difficult than hunting... -Raon replied, but did not seem very confident. A gust of wind lifted his hair from his face and made him shiver.

-Are you cold? -Jarek asked quickly, somewhat concerned.

Raon opened his mouth to answer, but before saying anything, he remained thoughtful and paused with a long look, as if trying to analyze the words that had just come out of the mouth of the wolf, trying to find some hidden meaning. For a few seconds, Jarek felt a little uncomfortable with the situation, and even regretting having said those words.

Maybe... maybe it sounded a little forced...

-The truth is that I am -Raon replied finally, while he wrapped up a little more with his fur coat -. I would like... I would like, if you see that I am cold tonight... anyway... -he struggled to find the words -... please, keep me warm.

-Of course -said the wolf, pushing him gently by the arm, which made the Human let out a soft laugh -. I could not leave you to freeze to death. Let alone, without having seen you dance yet.

-I don't think you will... -Raon murmured, softly, as the two finally reached their destination and stopped at the entrance of the tent.

Jarek struggled for a few seconds with the straps that held the entrance closed, unable to undo the knots, and Raon had to move closer to help a little. After a few minutes in which both remained unusually silent, the Human managed to open the door all the way and they entered the canvas tent, being careful not to touch anything that could blow away the work Rukj had done.

Without wasting a single second and led by fatigue, Raon dropped onto the pallet installed inside the tent and was covered with a blanket that, much to his chagrin, was not thick enough to protect someone from the cold that had no fur. He sighed in dismay, while resigned to accept that, after all, the tent was not intended for sheltering Human members.

He had no time to think twice before something warm laid down against him and passed an arm around his waist, bringing additional warmth. At that time, Raon was thankful he had his back to Jarek, because otherwise, the wolf would have noticed the blush that had flooded his cheeks as his felt the comforting presence of the lupine body against his back.

-Just in case -the wolf said, quietly.

His breath tickled his ear and, unavoidably, Raon could not help feeling a little nervous. At the end of the day, not even he knew exactly where did begin and end the barriers that marked what he felt towards Jarek and, although he had not worried before, now he was afraid to do anything that might scare his friend.

-Goodnight -whispered the wolf, to no response.

-Night -replied Raon, still thoughtful, while biting his lower lip.

He would have to tell him someday, at least, if he did not intend to blush every night the wolf offered to sleep against him to share his body heat, or didn't remain mute every time they exchanged a miserable look. Jarek had the right to know and, moreover, there was always the possibility that what Raon felt was something they shared...

<<Tomorrow. >> he told himself, trying to instill confidence <<I'll tell him tomorrow>>.

Loki put a hand to his chest, trying to hold back the sobs and swallowing his tears while, along the shore of the lake, he attempted to stop crying without success. How could he have dared to do something like that...? How could he have been so ridiculous, to be humiliated before Rukj, to throw away the little respect the wolf might have had for him? Loki had been able to sense the fear in the words of the wolf, when he had replied that he did not feel the same, it was not a fear that Rukj would want to reveal, but the lynx felt as if it was a straight punch to his face. How... how had he dared... to open up to him like that?

He never should have gathered the courage to say it.

In silence, the lynx looked up and stared at the image that was reflected back from the lake: something resembling a tangle of fur, wrapped on itself like a ball, knees directly attached to his muzzle and arms closed tightly around him, shaking nonstop while trying to calm down. His two blue eyes sparkled amid the darkness, illuminated by the reflection of the moonlight on the water, and seemed to be damp and even a little swollen after all the tears.

He felt sorry for himself and for the first time since he had begun to cry, he was ashamed to be the cause of that image. Luckily for him, Rukj had been gone for a while now and was no longer there to witness it, but... was he not already ridiculous enough? <<He does not love you, Loki>> he thought to himself again, while containing a moan <<You told him how you feel about him for nothing... and now... now he will never be able to look at you the same way again>>.

Silently he pressed against his legs a little tighter to give him some warmth, while he was remembering the exact moment the black wolf had uttered the words that had sealed his fate. He knew they had not been the last thing he had said.

Could it be that Rukj, after having accidentally shattered his heart without knowing it, had tried to encourage him? Perhaps he would have given him a pat on the back, trying to make him feel better, or maybe the wolf was worried and had asked if he was okay. Maybe Loki had responded laughing, hiding the bitterness that was poisoning him inside, or perhaps he might have remained silent, staring, still as a statue, unable to accept that he was such absolute failure.

He had said it for nothing.

Loki had never imagined it hurt so much not to be corresponded: although he knew that Rukj did not resent him for what he had said, and the fact that now he knew the lynx was attracted to him likely did not change anything, it was hard to know he was the only one who felt that way. He had been dreaming for so long with the possibility of embracing the arms of the black wolf, to share with him their most intimate moments, to open all his doors to him...

...but it wasn't more than that.

A dream. A stupid, painful and cruel dream.

And it was reality what dictated the rules of the world Loki lived in, so, even if he wanted to, he could never change what Rukj felt, or rather, what he did not.

<<He is not to blame>> he repeated for the umpteenth time. <<He could not lie... If he felt nothing he could never have said yes... >>

This thought led him back to let out a sob of anguish, and new tears came to his eyes as if his body needed urgently pour them out. With a broken heart full of grief and shame, Loki buried his head between his legs and closed his eyes, trying to forget everything, trying to stop suffering, trying to stop feeling, so that everything would be infinitely easier...

It was hard to tell how long he was so completely lost from reality, with tears still making matted grooves along the fur of his face. It was as if, for an indefinite time, darkness had enveloped him in a frigid and empty hug that brought icy chills, but that also was slightly comforting. It was so sad to know that nothing but the darkness could embrace him, but at that moment, when his thoughts wandered adrift and his soul hardly worried about recalling them... he did not care. He drifted from back and forth, like a puppet, and for a few seconds almost had the pleasant certainty that his heart had stopped beating, that the earth would swallow him up and that he would never again draw a breath...

-You should not be here, missing out on the feast, especially considering it is in your honor.

Those words, from someone behind him, jarred him back to reality.

Confused, the lynx raised his head and turned towards the voice that had spoken from behind him, blinking a few times for his eyes to adjust again to the light. Illuminated by the distant glow of the campfire and the splendor of the moon and the stars, Loki recognized the imposing silhouette of Ailec, who watched him with a hesitant and worried expression. The son of the caravan leader carried a bundle of wood on his shoulder and discovered the unmistakable traces of tears on the lynx's face, cocked his head curiously.

-I ... -Loki said quietly, his voice hoarse.

-What is it? -asked the bull, dropping the wood to the ground and going a few steps -. Hey. Hey, hey! -he exclaimed, seeing the tears running from Loki's eyes -. What happened? Has someone done anything to you?

-No... -Loki replied, with an effort, as he turned his head away to the lake to hide his tears from the eyes of the bull.

This time he did not know why he was crying.

Perhaps it was simply from the shame that someone would feel if seen in that state, or perhaps that the words of the bull made him recall what had happened earlier... Regardless of the reason, he could not stop crying, and felt more and more miserable for every tear that fell...

-What is wrong? -asked the bull, while he sat cross-legged beside him and ran an inquisitive look, still worried. -. What happened to you?

Loki didn't feel like answering.

In any case, what would he have been able to do? To tell the bull that he had declared his love to Rukj on the same night and that as the wolf had not reciprocated his feelings he had started crying like a stupid pup? It was enough that he had already been humiliated... Loki did not want to go through the same thing again just to overcome his shyness only to later be hurt by not receiving anything in return.

It would have been too painful.

-Very well, if you don't want me tell... -continued Ailec, not looking away from him while putting one of his hooves on the shoulder of the lynx to try to comfort him -... I guess, I can at least try to make you feel better. Would you come with me to the feast? It wouldn't harm me to have some company.

Loki was tempted to laugh at such an absurd proposition.

-With this face? -he asked, while he passed a paw over his face to clean away the tears. - Everyone will stare at me...

-Oh, don't worry - the bull tried to reassure him, still trying to infuse him with some confidence with the hoof on his shoulder. - Look... when I feel like crying I always drink something. You know, something strong. Maybe that will not work for you, but we could try. What do you think? I promise to be at your side the whole time, until you are feeling better.

Loki's raised his gaze and looked into Ailec's eyes, who watched him with anticipation.

There was something about the eyes of the bull that made him feel better, something that made him recover some confidence in himself again... He would not have known how to say what it was or why he felt this way, but the truth was that it made him feel warm again inside, as if someone was worried about him again and lit a flame which, so far, had remained quenched in the depths of his consciousness.

For a few seconds, he was tempted to accept the invitation and try to forget everything so he might try to enjoy a bit of the night. He had already cried enough and, on the other hand, he had to admit that Ailec's company was welcome and would help him try to forget the pain another had left when he went away...

After all... what was the use of continuing to cry and wallowing in his self-pity, when couldn't find any way to get out of it?

Finally, he decided.

-Okay... I'll go -he whispered, clearing his voice and trying to sound a little clearer. - Thank you -he added, heartfelt, while he turned with a look of thanks to the son of the caravan leader.

He smiled and squatted down next to the lynx.

-You don't have to thank me, cub.

Loki trembled, not so much from the tender treatment that the bull seemed to have suddenly adopted toward him, but from the last word he had said and the feelings aroused in him.

-Please, no... don't call me cub -he asked, his eyes falling to stare at the ground.

-Oh, alright -Ailec responded, somewhat surprised -. Well, then you don't have to thank me... kitten -he repeated, winking an eye.