Hey everyone! I'm just bored at work today and thought I'd write up a little short story for you all to enjoy, this story is based off a few current events in my life over the past few months, a few of my personal experiences and feelings with some added fiction and I suppose in a way it's a bit of a rant to relieve some stress. I suppose it's also in a way like a journal? It's definately a different writing style than my usual stories and probably contains a lot of mistakes as the computer here at work doesn't have a proper spell check and formating so I'll probably make edits and changes when I get home later. Anyway, hope you enjoy! (Finally got this fixed! And I totally just noticed (thanks to Gen) that I used the wrong bear for my title, as I meant to relay the message of dealing with the Darkness rather than uncovering it. Also it would seem I have typos, which will be corrected sometime in the near future.) - Reks

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A Reason To Bear The Darkness:

How long had it been now? How much time had passed since my break up with Tor? Since the relationship began? It had begun back in September, and had started rather suddenly. It had begun with a phone call from Tor, an old friend of mine I hadn't seen in at least a year. It started as a very casual conversation ending with plans to hang out that evening. I finished watching the movie I was currently watching and then headed out to pick up Tor, a Tiger, who at one point in my life had been the desire of my heart. On the way back from picking up Tor I picked up my roomate Huntrex from work. Huntrex was an Otter, and currently one of the best friends I had.

The night was filled with talking and gaming, and finally me and Tor had some time to talk just me and him. We talked about the past, what occured in the time we were apart, and he said something along the lines that at one point he wanted to ask me out but never persued it because I didn't seem interested. My response was that I was always interested but thought he'd never be interested in me so for the sake of our friendship I pretended that I was not interested in him romantically. It led to more talking, and the decision was made to start a relationship. We both talked more and also decided that later on that night we would have sex, but then after that we would take things slow.

The night passed almost too quickly it seemed and the next morning I lay next to Tor, stunned that things had started so quick. I felt dazed and unsure of what to think. For now I just accepted what was and tried to strive forward happily. As the weeks passed I still felt dazed, as if the relationship wasn't real in some way and I began to feel unhappy. I felt lost and unsure of everything around me, unsure of what to do or think. The time I spent with Tor was spent around his friends at parties or at my place with me and Hunt, I began to feel closed off and often times felt he didn't care that much about me. He rarely texted me, and when I initiated a conversation it never carried past him saying "Meh."

Then came the week that I fell sick, I had to stay home from work and was nearly bedridden with fever and illness. I talked to him ocassionally, but he never really seemed to care how I was doing, which made me close myself off from him completely. I brooded over the thoughts that he didn't care, that he didn't love me and I began to think of breaking up with Tor. About another week passed before we spoke again, him telling me he wasn't happy with our relationship. We talked things over a bit and decided to end things, I wasn't open enough with him and he wasn't nearly affectionate enough for me.

Time passed and I felt nothing, no pain, no loss, not like any previous relationship. Had I really become so unfeeling? So empty to the point where I didn't even feel sorrow? I wandered, lost in emptiness, but then I began speaking with Brundance again, a fox that I had known for a while, someone who I trusted more than I ever trusted Tor. We got along great, I considered Brudance to be a very close friend of mine, someone I could confide in and someone I could count on to care. His kindness to me was a debt I knew I could never repay entirely, but I would be whatever he wanted me to be. If he wanted me to be just a close friend then I would be that friend, if he wanted me to be more then I would be more, it was a strange thing, I had never felt like this towards anyone before.

I had never felt the need to make myself the best I can be for anyone before, the desire to be whatever someone needed me to be. I questioned in my mind many a time if I loved him, and though it was too early to say for sure I did know one thing was absolute: I wanted to be with him and I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to ensure his happiness, the very reason I was willing to be whatever he needed me to be.

A few weeks had passed since my break-up with Tor and finally it began to hit me as the temperature began to grow colder, the icy pangs of winter returning to haunt my very existence. I felt cold and lonely and as the days passed, the temperature continually dropped. My sickness a few weeks back, and the fact that I had taken a lot of days off in October left me with little money and my debts began to build. The added stress of being in debt added to my feeling of loneliness, driving me to the point of depression.

I talked about things with Brudance, told him about my problems with depression and cutting, he didn't want me to hurt myself. He told be to draw a butterfly and name it after someone that I really cared about, to think about them and the butterfly whenever I felt like cutting. I followed his advice and drew a butterfly, as poorly drawn as it was, and named it after him. Ever since then it has succesfully stopped me from doing myself harm, because it makes me think of him and my promise to him.

So where does that put me now? Where does that leave me right now? It's the tail end of November now, and I still wallow in a sea of depression but he makes it worth going through, even though I'm broken and feel I have little to live for he makes me feel as though I'm wanted and needed in this world. I sipped on a hot cup of tea as I looked over my bank statements, numbers on top of numbers, hundreds of dollars I owed to not only the bank but close friends I had borrowed money from to be able to pay my rent.

I sighed to myself as the numbers brought me fear and discouragement. Was it all really worth it? Is it worth it to suffer through so much hardship in this world just for a moment of peace? I frowned to myself, heading to bed with the dark thoughts lingering in my head. The next morning I woke up alone as usual and got ready for my long weekend shift at work, feeling lonely again as I had been all week. All I could think was 'woe is me' but as I got in the car that morning and turned on the music my mood changed, I thought to myself,

'No! I'm not going to feel this way anymore! I'm going to change my stars and finally be happy regardless of how I feel! I want to protect and make make Brudance happy, and to do that I need to be better than this. I want to make him happy... want to see him smile every day and know that I'm not troubling him or worrying him. I'm going to fight to the bitter end, and even if he doesn't want to be more than friends with me... I'll still sacrifice everything to make sure that he's happy. When the day comes that I die... at least I can die knowing I did everything I could.'

I had made a pact with myself then, as I drove to work, that I would not give in to the darkness, that I would continue to fight no matter how cold the winter got or how long the shadows cast a veil on my life. I smiled to myself, knowing that I could do it, even though I was alone, even though I had problems to the sky, I could do it because I had friends, I had family, I had Brudance, I could do it as long as they believed in me. They would become the reason to bare the darkness, the reason to carry on and fight for my life isntead of hiding in the shadows. I was tired of being a creature of the darkness, for once I wanted to stand in the light and shine for the world to see, to be an example to the people just like me, lost, alone and afraid. My stories would become my torch, my experiences would become my sword.

Remember, one thing, no matter if you think you are alone in the world, take a second look, most time you'll see that you have friends, family or others who are close to you, who you hold dear. Even if you think you'll never find love, never stop trying. It is only when you stop trying and fighting that all is truly lost. It is only when you give up that you truly have failed. I sighed as I looked out the window, at the aging trees, I was so young, so weary, but I knew I still had much to learn, and even more to fight for.