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Making a choice that I never wanted to make was difficult. Because no matter what I'd choose, I was going to loose either Terry or Nikki one way or another by doing the things I always told myself not to do... With all the fights that Terry and I had, I became more desperate to bring things to a happy end. But breaking up with Terry was the most difficult thing I ever did... I actually thought I did him a favour by breaking up with him. To stop all the lies and to stop myself from hurting him... I once told Terry that it was a bad idea to be with me... That I would hurt his feelings in the end... He wouldn't believe it at the time but found out the hard way... Sacrificing so many things for me, in order to make our relationship work. He did all those things just to make me happy... Perhaps I was simply too naïve to have recognized it... I made the fatal mistake of taking it for granted, as if I expected him to do so... I never was the one who had to make a sacrifice... But despite that, I wasn't able to tell Terry that I'm bi-sexual, simply because I was too afraid to tell him... I often lied to him and stayed quiet whenever he had questions... Refused to listen... I didn't tell him the whole story... A half truth is a whole lie... But the cruellest lies are often told in silence...

I called Nikki several times but she didn't answered her phone that evening. I drove over to her place only to find out that she wasn't there... And at that point, I gave up and went home... I flopped down on my bed once I got inside my bedroom and just stared at the ceiling while the minutes were slowly ticking by... Every once in a while, I heard my mobile phone quietly vibrating on my nightstand and every time I looked at the display, I noticed it was Terry... What was I supposed to say to him if I answered his call? That everything he did was for nothing? Even though that was true, I wasn't able to tell him that... Something told me he already knew that... So eventually, I turned off my mobile phone... Once the silence returned in my room, many things were going through my mind... It made me think if I really made the right choice... I couldn't forget Terry's face after I broke up with him... And what's worse was that I didn't even gave him a reason why simply because I wasn't able to tell him... Things became complicated after I came out to Nikki... Finding out that she has feelings for me as well made it almost impossible... Nikki gave me things that Terry never could simply because Terry is not a girl... I know I should've told him from the beginning... Things might've been very different if I did...

I thought that things would be better once I broke up with Terry but truth was, things only became worse. It was difficult for me whenever I saw him walking down the hallways in college. Especially whenever he looked at me... Every time I looked back at him, he came my way... Most of the time, I turned around and walked off... And this one time, I walked right passed him, looking straight ahead... Ignoring him, as if he wasn't even there... It went on for several days until he did the same thing to me...

'Here you go, cream and sugar, right?' 'Yeah... Thanks Nic...' A week after I broke up with Terry, I was at Nikki's place. All week long, I barely got to see her and I finally felt like I could take a break from everything. Nikki sat down next to me on the sofa and sighed quietly when she stared at her cup of coffee. Holding the cup she just gave me, I began to stir my coffee and placed it back on the table to let it cool down. Nikki took a few sips from her coffee before she placed it on the table as well. I didn't know how she could drink it when it was so hot... 'Terry told me about you and him...' 'Yeah... It's been a week now...' 'So... How you holding up?' 'I feel so fucked up, you know...' 'For breaking up with him...?' 'Yeah... But also for not telling... He doesn't know why or... what's happening between the two of us...' 'Heh...' 'Did you still see him this week?' 'N-No... I uh... Well...'

I looked at Nikki and saw she bit her upper-lip when she wasn't looking at me... She sighed quietly once more and held on to a pillow, looking very hesitative... But then she started to talk, very quietly... 'Terry called me the evening you broke up with him... And... I-I went to see him... T-To talk, of course...' 'What'd he tell you...?' 'He said that he had his suspicions that you were seeing someone else... Said that he was losing you a while back... S-So... So I stayed over to talk and... Well... I-I haven't talked to him since...' 'Heh...' 'You broke his heart...' 'I know... That's why it's so difficult...' 'Not just for you...' 'What do you mean...?' 'Because I'm involved in this as well...! To see him, to talk to him...! I-I can't even look straight in his face, knowing I had a part in this as well...!' 'You're not to blame, dushi...' 'O-Of course I am...! I know that being with you means that I'm betraying my best friend...! You're not the only had to make a difficult choice... Being with the girl I fell in love with or betraying my best friend by seeing his girlfriend...' 'Heh...' 'And... I already noticed that I too am distancing myself from Terry... Simply because I'm too ashamed, knowing I had a part in your break-up...' 'I know... But... I honestly think that breaking up with him is the best for us...' 'For you maybe...' 'What do you expect me to do then?! Start everything all over again by telling him?! Continue the fights I had with him?! Break his heart once more?!' 'N-No...!' 'Then what?!' 'Just for you to tell him the truth about you and me... He deserves to know...' 'How?!' 'I don't know...! I just... I love you, Ceylan... I really do but I can't go on like this... I really don't know why you're so cold against him... This isn't like you...'

It kinda startled me when Nikki told me that I was cold... Because quite honestly, I never considered myself to be like that against the people closest to me... But she was right... Everything I held dear with Terry was dropped all of a sudden when my feelings for Nikki became stronger... Terry was just cast aside by me just so that I could be with her... 'Ceylan, I-I know it'll be difficult to tell him but... We have to... We owe that much to him...' 'I can't... I'm sorry, I just can't...' 'We'll do this together...' 'What if he doesn't want to see us anymore after we told him?' 'He'll understand...' 'Ha... Yeah, somehow, I can't believe that...' 'Either way, it's something we should do...' 'I really don't want him to know about us... You're gonna put me in a difficult position...' 'Yeah, well... You've already put me in a difficult position a-and... I chose to be, just so that I could be with you...' 'Damn it...' 'W-What...? What is it...?' 'Nothing, it's just... It's so fucked up, Nic...' 'Yeah... I know...' 'I mean... I really don't wanna lose him but I get the feeling that we already did...' 'Yeah...' 'But I guess that's just... You know... It's too late to make things right again...' 'Heh... It's never too late...' 'I doubt Terry still wants to see us after this...'

It stayed quiet between the two of us for a while when I finished my coffee. I could hardly keep my eyes open from the lack of sleep I had lately and I started to feel tired the longer I sat there. I figured I'd take a nice shower and go straight to bed once I get home. I was just sick and tired of everything that was happening and I didn't know how much longer I was able to deal with it... At some point, I figured it was best to go home. To try and catch some sleep while I was still able to. So I placed my cup on the table once I finished my coffee and looked at her... 'It's getting late, Nic and I'm really tired... So... I think it's best for me to go home...' 'Okay...' 'Thanks for talking to me...' 'You're welcome...'

We both got up from the sofa and made our way to her hallway where I got my things. I looked at Nikki who clenched her arms around me and gave me a firm hug as I looked down on her. When I clenched my arms around her as well, I sighed quietly for feeling so relieved... For feeling so peaceful... Being held by her reminded me what this was all about... It reminded me that Nikki was worth it... But once I let go, I noticed she hesitated and bit her upper-lip... I placed my hands on her cheeks and gently pressed my lips against hers... Quietly whispering to her that I loved her made her blush... Hearing her quiet voice telling me that she loved me as well was so soothing... It put a smile on my face... On hers as well... But just before I turned around and wanted to open the door, she took my hand and looked at me, only averting her eyes a short moment later... 'I-I don't want you to go... I'd like you to stay here tonight, with me... I-I mean... If that's what you want...' 'Heh...' 'It's just... I-I don't wanna be lonely tonight...' 'Where's Meagan?' 'She's staying over at her family in San Mantégua for the weekend... So...' 'I see...'

Nikki and I haven't had an intimate moment together after Meagan moved back in again. And with the things that were happening back then, it really meant a lot to me when she asked me to stay over. Feeling so peaceful whenever I stayed with her, being held in her arms... I guess the two of us needed a moment of our own... So you can imagine her face when I smiled at her...

It was already half passed twelve and Nikki turned the TV and the lights off in the living-room. I asked her if I could take a bath before going to bed and well, Nikki is not really the kind of person to deny something to anyone. So I went to the bathroom where I opened up the tap to let the bathtub fill up with hot water while Nikki went to get me fresh towels... As soon as she brought me them, she hesitated once more and bit her upper-lip... 'I got you some towels...' 'Thank you...' 'And I, uh... I still got those bath-bombs you brought me a while ago, so uh... I-I'll just put them on the counter...'

There was just something about her that made her hesitant... Nikki always had trouble to express what she wants because of her shy nature... That's exactly what makes her so cute... But I knew what she was aiming for... So the moment she turned around, I took her hand and pressed her body against mine... She looked startled at first but closed her eyes the moment I pressed my lips against hers again... Not a quick peck on her lips... But a long tender one... I guess words weren't really necessary... Just the look in her beautiful violet eyes told me everything I had to know... It made me feel things that I forgot... She made me feel things I never felt before...

The moment I lifted her top up and felt her waist, Nikki closed her eyes and let me... Feeling her waist with the tips of my fingers caused her to sigh quietly... Kissing her while taking her bra off... With Nikki's back facing the mirror above the sink, we slowly made our way towards her bath-tub, taking each other clothes off one at a time... Being nude in her presence felt special to me... For being admired... Every girl needs to hear that they're sexy and that they're wanted... But Nikki didn't had to tell me that... The way she looked at me told me enough yet she seemed hesitant, scared and nervous once we were naked... I took her hands and gave her another kiss while slowly letting my hands reach down to her buttocks, firmly squeezing them... But I wasn't able to tell if she liked that... At times, she's hard to read and does a good job to hide it from me... Something just told me that she didn't exactly felt comfortable... I simply just looked at her when she averted her eyes from me... Like she declined me or something... Her eyes said "yes" but everything else said "no"... So I let go of her and sat on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for it to fill up while Nikki just stood there, covering herself up as much as possible... Once the bathtub was full, I closed the tab and dropped a bath-bomb in the tub while I let myself down slowly in the hot water... Not long after that, the water fizzled as it slowly turned light blue and the scent of eucalyptus filled the bathroom... And even though I was in it for several minutes, Nikki still just stood there, as if she just didn't know what to do... I looked at her and gave her a quick nod and smiled at her... And then she hesitated once more before slowly walking towards me... I made some room for her by spreading my legs and Nikki let herself down in the water in between it... She finally seemed to relax and comfortable once she got in the water... I clenched my hands around her stomach as her head rested on my shoulder... I closed my eyes for a while as I felt myself drifting off... I couldn't tell how lucky I was for being with her... And then she quietly whispered to me... 'Ceylan...?' 'Yes...?' 'Heh... I, uhm...' 'Hm...?' 'N-No, it's silly... Never mind...' 'Tell me...' 'I-I've waited so long for this, you know... For someone like you and... A girl who shares the same feelings for me... But now that I've found it, I-I don't really know what to do...' 'What do you mean...?' 'I-I don't know what it means to be in a relationship because I've been alone for so long... I can honestly say that it's the best thing that ever happened to me... And I want to be with you... I really do... But you broke up with Terry because of me... And I never wanted that to happen...' 'Do you feel guilty about it...?' 'Yes... I do... Because I love Terry just as much as you do... As a friend... And as a friend, he deserves to know...' 'Nikki... I know you feel guilty about it but... Do you honestly think it would help...? That he would just forgive us and move on like nothing ever happened...?' 'No, I don't expect he would... But I don't want to lose him as a friend and I get the feeling you don't want to lose him either...' 'I don't, no...' 'You didn't had to break up with him... You could've just told him that you have feelings for him and me...' 'And then what...?' 'I don't know... But we would've worked it out some way or another...' 'You really think so...?' 'No... But that's what I hope for...'

It stayed silent for a while when I held her close to me... There was this wonderful tingle I felt in my stomach that just didn't seem to go away... I closed my eyes and smelled the scent of her coconut wax... Caressing her fur on her stomach only seemed to intensify those tingles... 'Why me, Ceylan...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'Why did you chose to be with me...?' 'You're everything I'm looking for in a person...' 'But you've been with girls who are way more beautiful than I am...' "Beauty is bought by judgement of the eye..." 'William Shakespeare...' 'Yes...' 'Heh...'

'I, uhm... I've always leaned more towards girls than towards guys... And I've always liked you ever since I met you... As a friend... It wasn't until you came out to me that I realized there might be more to us... But it also made me question if Terry really made me happy...' 'Heh...' 'I guess thinking too much causes you to create problems that aren't even there... The more I thought about us, the more problems I created and the more fights I had with Terry... The more fights I had with him, the more I doubted and questioned things...' 'Which caused you to break up with him...' 'Yes... So trust me when I say it's not your fault for our breakup... It's all on me... Things are bad enough as they are, which is why I think it's best to keep it to ourselves...' 'Heh...' 'Terry will come around... A guy like him isn't going to stay lonely forever...' 'Maybe...' 'He'll find a girl who's so much better than me in no time... You'll see... And then he'll forget that I ever existed...' 'I'm not too sure of that...' 'Heh...'

Nikki and I stayed together that night... And even though we weren't intimate with each other, it was good to be with her... Holding her close and staring in her violet eyes... I just couldn't get enough... All the more reason for me to be with her... Holding her close and caressing her hair in a loving embrace made me want to believe that this was all I needed... It made me realize something I never thought of before... Someone could give me everything I needed, everything I wanted and it still wouldn't be enough... You keep looking for that special someone that makes you feel satisfied and content... To find someone worth giving up everything for... It's the person you choose to be with that makes it all worthwhile... Someone who could truly make you happy... Terry did make me happy but in the end, it simply just wasn't enough...

It's so fucked up to realize that I wasn't even missing him, after everything he ever did for me... I didn't want to pretend that Terry never existed but I was forcing myself to do that, just so that I wouldn't be confronted for what I did... I knew all too well that it was very wrong of me to do such a thing but I didn't know what to do anymore... Which is why I wanted to avoid the confrontation at all costs... Things have been crazy lately... That thing with Catherine and now with Terry... Coming out to Terry and confess I slept with his best lady friend behind his back was hard for me to tell... So I chose not to... I wanted to forget what I did to Terry and move on with Nikki. To leave things the way they were and to go our own ways... I wanted to stay friends with him but at the same time, I couldn't really see that happening... Being friends with your ex is like having nice plate of your favourite food being delivered and the waiter drops it on the floor and tells you it's okay for you to eat it... Okay, bad example perhaps but you know what I mean... I could come up with a lot of reasons why I shouldn't stay friends and why I should break off all contact with him... I can't just turn my feelings off for him if we stayed friends... Perhaps it would give us false hope... Terry and I have been intimate with each other and staying friends would only make it more awkward whenever we were seeing each other... It might even prevent us from moving forward and it would definitely damage my relationship with Nikki... And well, there are a lot more reasons why I thought it would be a bad idea to stay friends with Terry... I didn't want it, I didn't like it but I had to in order for us to move on... Which is why I wanted to leave the things the way they were, not telling him and break off all contact with him. But that meant that Nikki also had to break contact with him in order to continue our relationship, which she didn't like as well. I might've thought that it was the best for everyone but Nikki sure as hell didn't agree with me. It made her feel very guilty and she really had a hard time dealing for losing her best friend. Coming out to him and confess that we were seeing each other behind his back was the only logical thing for her to do in order to make everything right. I didn't think it would make much of a difference but Nikki always believed that it would... I kept telling her that I didn't want us to tell him but it made Nikki feel even more guilty than she already felt until she couldn't take it anymore... And if I wasn't going to tell him, someone else had to...

Nikki called me about a week later, on a Saturday afternoon and asked if I could come over. I had no idea what was going on but something just didn't felt quite right... Nevertheless, I packed my things and went to see her. She buzzed me in when I arrived at her building complex and once I got on the third floor, she already had the door open for me to come in. The moment I saw her, I had a feeling that there was something about to happen... A nauseous feeling crawled up my throat... But the moment I got in and took my jacket off, Nikki closed the door behind her, held my hands and looked at me while we were standing there in the hallway... 'Hey, Nic, what's, uh... this all about?' 'I don't want this anymore, Ceylan...' 'I know...' 'And... I-I want him to know the truth... I want you and Terry to make up so that things go back the way they used to be... We need to tell him and I... I called him up...' '... You did?' 'Yes... He'll be here soon... And we'll tell him everything...'

Right that very second, my heart skipped a beat... I couldn't believe what I was hearing... Why the fuck would she do something so stupid? We couldn't even look Terry straight in the eyes, let alone confessing an entire affaire behind his back... So you can honestly say that I wasn't exactly happy the moment Nikki told me she invited him over... 'What?! Are you out of your mind?! For fucks sake, why would you do that?!' 'Because he's my friend, Ceylan! He deserves to know that I'm the reason for your break-up!' 'And then what?! What exactly do you expect him to say then?!' 'I never wanted this to happen! You didn't want this to happen! Terry didn't want this to happen! Neither of us wanted it to happen and yet it still did!' 'Nikki... For fucks sakes...!' 'You and I both know that this can't go on anymore...!' 'I know! But... Goddamn it!' 'I just want you and Terry to make up a-and...!' 'Nikki, this isn't some kind of argument that can be set right! No matter what happens, Terry and I will never be able to be in the same room again!' 'B-But why?!' 'Because I gave up on him when I chose to be with you! That's why!'

I know Nikki's intentions were good... I know she didn't want to give up on her friendship with Terry... That was a sacrifice Nikki wasn't able to make... I know what drove Nikki to it... Feeling guilt can make you do strange things... So I knew shit was about to hit the fan when Terry would show up... I wanted to avoid the confrontation even though I too was overrun with guilt... And unlike Nikki, I tried to hide my guilt and deny that I was wrong... I know Nikki was right... But that didn't mean I liked it... So I sighed quietly when I closed my eyes for a moment... 'Everything I gave up with Terry was for you, Nic...' 'But neither of us like it...' 'No... But that's the price I have to pay to be with you...' 'It's not worth it...' 'You're worth it...! But... if it really means that much to you, we'll tell him... But I'm scared, Nic... I'm scared, ashamed... Terry doesn't want to see us anymore after this...' 'What makes you so sure of it...?' 'Because I've been through this before...'

I looked Nikki in the eyes and saw that she hesitated once more... We had no idea what to expect but I had a hunch of the things that might happen... I sat down on her sofa and stared outside in blank space, trying to think... Several moments later, Nikki came back with something to drink and nodded to thank her... Nikki sat down on the sofa next to me, looking down... She closed her eyes for a moment and I saw that it had her thinking as well... It stayed quiet between the two of us for a while... I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could... But nevertheless, I stayed...

I got snapped out of it the moment I heard the buzzer... Nikki looked up surprised and faced me, as if she was asking me whether or not she should open the door... I rather wish she didn't... But she buzzed him through while I felt very anxious... The time it took for him to get to the third floor were nerve wrecking moments... It seemed it took him forever... I nervously twiddled my fingers when I heard a knock on the door... I looked at Nikki once more and shook my head... It's kind of a silly thing to pretend you're not home while you already buzzed him in... Nikki bit her lip and slowly made her way to the door... And just before she opened it, she looked at me again... I closed my eyes... And I heard the door open... Hearing several footsteps on the wooden floor in the hallway... There was this eerie silence that filled the entire room... And when I opened my eyes, Terry stood there, looking very surprised at me... Once I faced him, Terry looked at Nikki instead... 'The hell is she doing here?' 'T-Terry... Ceylan and I need t-to talk to you...' 'Don't fucking bother! Why the hell would you do this anyway?!' 'Well, Ceylan and... A-And I...' 'You set this up, Nic?!' 'N-No, I mean, yeah, b-b-but-' 'Un-fucking-believable. I'm out of here.' 'T-Terry!! Wait!! Come back!! Please!'

"Oh god..." It was bad enough as it is... And things only seemed to get worse... Nikki looked at me when Terry stormed out of her apartment... But she didn't give up... Nikki went after him... And I could hear the entire conversation... 'Terry! Please, listen! There's something that-' 'That what?!! You knew she was cheating on me, and you didn't say anything!! You knew, Nic, you fucking knew and yet you chose that cunt's side!' 'P-Please... We need to talk to you... And... I-I know you're mad at me... I don't blame you... You got all the right to be... She still loves you... Please... Hear us out... Come back inside...'

It stayed silent for a while when I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks... Hearing him calling me a cunt was painful... But after all the bullshit I've put him through, it wasn't very surprising... I closed my eyes for a moment and wished I could just vanish into thin air... And I could hear Terry thinking in the hallway... I expected him to walk away as he sounded very upset when he had that outburst... 'I can't believe I'm doing this...'

When they returned and Nikki closed the door behind her, Terry stood there while I was wiping the tears out of my face... What's worse was that he wasn't showing any signs of compassion or sympathy but had a really hard, stone cold expressions on his face and eyes were locked straight into mine... 'Well? Go ahead. Say what you wanna say.'

I tried to swallow that chunk that got stuck in my throat but that just didn't go away... Everything went to hell in a only a matter of weeks... Everything I had with him was just gone... And even though I knew that there was nothing left, I still kept a little faith that had me thinking that things would be okay... I wanted to believe what Nikki told me... Which is why I started to talk, very quietly... 'I-I, uhm... I don't really know what to say but...' 'Nikki already told me that you're seeing someone else.' 'Y-Yes... Yes, I do... But... I still have feelings for you...' 'Then why the break-up?! Why'd you see someone else if you still have feelings for me?! You never talked about it, you never told me why, what I did wrong! All this time you've been ignoring me and now you wanna talk! Why now, Ceylan?!' 'Heh...' '... Do I know him?' 'Her... You know her...' '...Her?' 'Yes...'

I looked at Nikki and her face turned red the moment Terry faced her as well... Terry stared at her for a moment and then back to me... 'You serious??' 'Yes... And... I should've told you from the beginning...' 'Tell me what?' 'I'm bi-sexual...'

Right that very second, Terry looked very surprised... Almost shocked to hear it... He kept looking at us in disbelieve and it almost seemed like he started to panic a little... 'Dude... I mean... Fuck! Why'd you never tell me?!' 'I was scared, Terry...! Catherine didn't take it so well when I came out to her...! I had a lot of struggles with it over the years but it's not until recently that I know for sure... I just didn't want you to react the way Catherine did, which is why I kept it silent...' 'Is it me?' 'No, it's not you, Terry... I always had the feeling that something was missing... And... When I met Nicole, I realized what was missing...' 'Everything we went through was because you fell in love with a girl...? Nikki, for all that matters...??'

When Terry looked at Nikki, her cheeks were as red as a tomato... Then Nikki started to talk... Very quietly... 'I-It's my fault too, Terry... I-I was caught up in a really awkward situation... Wh-When Ceylan told me that she's in love with me, I didn't want to go any further, knowing she was your girlfriend... But the thing is... I have feelings for her as well...' 'So... Everything you ever said, everything we ever did was a lie, Ceylan?' 'No... I still love you...' 'Fucking hell...'

Terry was really surprised, shocked and looked terribly upset... But despite that, he still took it well... Perhaps it just didn't sink in yet... I didn't expect him to say that he still loved me... How could I after everything that happened? But not hearing it was a little painful... Nikki looked at me and then back at Terry... 'We never wanted this to happen...' 'Heh...' 'So I guess that's it, then. I think it's best that I go.' 'Terry, wait...' 'What?' 'It doesn't have to be like this... We can still work this out...' 'Yeah, well, don't fucking bother, Ceylan. I always had to deal with all the shit you've put me through and then you cast me aside, as if I never meant a goddamn thing to you. You already made your choice the moment you decided to stay with Nikki. I'm not gonna stick around for being second choice. So fuck the both of you. I hope the two of you are gonna be real fucking happy together...'

Terry made his way to the hallway and opened the door. Without looking back, he walked out of Nikki's apartment and closed the door behind him... Nikki wanted to follow him again but I took her hand and shook my head when she looked at me... I thought it was best to give him some time... Terry was really hurt when he left... He didn't even look at us anymore... Betrayed by his best friend... And the hint was obvious... I figured he never wanted to see us anymore... Nikki looked at me and I saw the tears going down her cheek, for feeling guilty and to have betrayed her best friend... She sat down on the couch next to me, staring in blank space for a moment... I held her close the moment she placed her head on my shoulder... 'This is exactly why I didn't want to tell him...'

Nikki was truly upset with the things that happened... And even though I didn't really show it, I too was very upset for the things he said... So we just cuddled each other but that didn't really help for me... Being the cause of everything wasn't exactly a comforting thought... Things had to be set right one way or another but I was just so tired of everything... I just wanted to give up and move on with Nikki... It's not right what we did, I know... But Terry clearly made his choice as well... So we had to move on our separate ways... Terry will find a girl who is so much better than me... I was sure of that... But I didn't like it... So many thoughts were going through my mind that evening... Wondering how it all came to this... It seemed so simple and straightforward... I actually thought that Terry might've turned around after we came out to him... Seeing some kind of an advantage in having a bi-sexual girlfriend... A nice relationship perk, if you will... And it might've been if I was honest from the beginning... But I guess not everyone see things the way I do...

Terry had all the right to be mad at us for what we did. I didn't expect him to forgive us. But somewhere, deep down inside, I always hoped he would. But that night, it was clear that he didn't want to see us anymore... Not only did I fucked it up with him but I also fucked up Nikki's friendship with him... She couldn't handle it very well but Nikki never seemed to blame me for that... Instead, she blamed it on her own... I dragged Nikki down with me when things didn't go so well with Terry and me... But at some point, I wasn't able to keep with the lies I fed him... I felt guilty but always denied that I was doing something wrong... Because if I didn't, I wasn't able to be with Nikki in the first place... And now that we told him, I wasn't exactly feeling relieved... And I wasn't too sure of our relationship after this... It affected my relationship with Nikki more than I ever imagined... I didn't think it was possible... But I guess that's just the sacrifices the two of us had to make in order for us to be together...