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It started to take it's toll on me, you know. Being so secretive, to keep things to myself. Not letting Terry know that I was cheating on him with his best friend... Do you think that my actions were justified for being in love with a girl...? I thought it was. I was confused, needed answers for myself and thus cheated on my boyfriend behind his back. You might think having a bi-sexual girlfriend is a nice relationship's perk but truth is, it made things all the more difficult. I didn't necessarily had to have sex with a woman but it's a whole different matter once you start to have feelings for one... It became way more complicated than I ever imagined... Especially after that woman had feelings for me as well...

I wanted to think that my confidence was at an all time high for coming out to Simon and Catherine but the truth was, I've never felt so scared and insecure in my life before. Especially when Catherine didn't take it so well... It's the reason why I never told Terry... It was slowly going downhill again with me and Terry... Simply because I didn't tell him, knowing something I didn't want him to know... I was often distracted whenever the two of us were together... I tried to convince Terry to see other girls... I wouldn't mind if he went all the way with them... It just gave me a reason to be with Nikki every once in a while... But that didn't go so well with him... Terry became angry at me and that's when it really showed that he was no longer the guy he used to be... Fucking girls around and dumping them like garbage... He tried to do that with me as well when I first met him but I'm not stupid. I'm not naïve... But I guess being "different" from all the other girls caused that one little spark... I've seen how Terry changed over the months without realizing that I was the one who made him change... But still... Being with Terry made me realize I was missing something. Something that he can't provide simply because he's not a girl... I never really knew for sure but I knew when I discovered my feelings for Nikki. Seven years is a long time wondering who and what you really are. Things became complicated when I found out the feelings I had for Nikki were mutual... I wish I could've told him from the beginning but I just couldn't, not after I witnessed Catherine's reaction when I told her about my orientation... Simply hinting at Terry for seeing other girls made him angry... He felt that the two of us were serious and tried to commit himself to me and thought that I wasn't taking things seriously. As if I didn't want to commit myself to him... I just couldn't tell Terry that I wanted to commit myself to Nikki as well. But how was that supposed to work out anyway? I wouldn't know how... Eventually, I stopped trying to convince Terry, seeing as the fights we had about it only became worse...

And as for Nikki... Well, she watched everything happening from the sidelines and didn't had to say anything about it. She knew I was cheating on her best friend with her. And even though she didn't felt comfortable about it and didn't approve of it, she still wanted to be with me. The feelings we have for each other were stronger than our sense of loyalty towards Terry. I started to be with Nikki more often than I was with Terry... Being with Terry wasn't what it used to be... I distanced myself from Terry because I felt guilty for cheating on him... Whenever Terry and I were sharing an intimate moment together, I was longing for her... Not talking about what was going on and what was on my mind caused a strain on my relationship with him. Slowly but steady, I saw how the things I've build up with him crumbling down in front of me... The things I started to miss in my relationship with Terry was found again whenever I was with Nikki... I wanted to think I was truly happy for seeing Nikki behind Terry's back but I guess that was just me being delusional. I didn't realize what I was doing... Nevertheless, we kept seeing each other for several months without Terry knowing. But at some point, you'll make a mistake... And even I realized that this couldn't last forever... He would find out one way or another... Realizing that made me do desperate things to keep what I had with Terry and be with Nikki more than anything... Desperate needs lead to desperate deeds... And I eventually had to make that one choice I never wanted to make in the first place...

Nikki mentioned her roommate before but was never around. Nikki told me that she rarely came by and if she did, she didn't stay for long. It had Nikki worried because she was her best friend and rarely talked to each other. She also told me that it had been two months since her roommate paid up and Nikki was charged with the full rent. Even though Nikki has a part-time job at a bookstore, she wasn't able to keep up for long if her roommate didn't pay the rent every month. Nikki did all the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry and the groceries while the only thing her roommate had to do was to pay the rent. I never saw her before except for pictures that Nikki showed me but never in person. But the way Nikki described her sounded as if she was the best friend in the whole universe. Her roommate didn't know back then that Nicole is lesbian. But she found out in the most embarrassing way imaginable...

One Friday evening, I was spending time at Nikki's place. And with spending time at her place, I mean I was eating her out in the living room... On the sofa... The two of us were so caught up with each other that we didn't even knew what was happening... I noticed Nikki looking up and her cheeks turned as red as a tomato... She was so startled that she rolled herself off the couch and covered her nether regions with a bunch of newspapers and magazines... I wasn't naked and Nikki was still wearing her top; only her nether regions were uncovered. It all happened so very fast... The moment Nikki rolled off the couch, I looked in the direction she was looking at... My heart stopped beating when I saw someone standing there I've never seen before... A grey wolf girl, holding a key and looking very shocked yet disgusted of what she just witnessed... And right that very second, she turned around and walked out of the door, closing it behind her... Nikki looked for her panties and jeans and quickly put them on before going out the door to follow her... That girl was having a fit in the hallway and yelled at Nikki but I wasn't really able to follow what was going on. I was still too busy to try and understand what just happened... "That must be the roommate..."

Nikki came back several moments later and she seemed very upset about something. She flopped down on the couch... 'You, uh... You okay, Nic...?' 'No...' 'Who was she...?' 'Meagan... My roommate...'

Nikki sighed quietly when she checked her mobile phone... She dialled a short number and listened to what I assume was her voicemail... After several moments, she placed her mobile phone on the table and sighed once more...

There are other ways for someone to come out, I can tell you that. So Meagan's reaction to what we've been doing didn't really surprise me. I didn't care if she was cool with it or not. But Nikki obviously did. I gave her and Meagan some time to talk about things because I can imagine that was quite the shock for Meagan. So they did and everything seemed fine and dandy and it turned out that Meagan wanted to come back. I didn't know why she left in the first place but hey, who am I to judge her? So Meagan came back living in Nikki's apartment... Which I didn't like at all.

Meagan moved her things back in, which were mostly clothes. Nikki even cleaned up her room before she came back but there was still some tension between the three of us... So yeah, when she moved back in again, we weren't really talking to each other. The first night of her moving in, Nikki and I went to bed at around midnight but Meagan stayed up to watch some TV. Nikki fell asleep in no time but I couldn't, thinking about the things that were happening around me and I kept wondering how the hell I was getting myself in to these kind of situations all the time... Not to mention that very embarrassing moment... I didn't had the chance to talk to Meagan yet, to get to know her a little better. I figured that I had to, now that she was gonna be a regular face around the house. So I got out of bed, put on a t-shirt and went to the living-room, where Meagan was lying on the couch zapping through the channels... 'Hey...' 'Oh, hey... Can't sleep?' 'Yeah... I haven't got the chance to talk to you before about, well... Uh...' 'Ah, that.' 'Yeah, that. We weren't expecting anyone...' 'Hehe...' 'Do you smoke...?' 'I do, yeah.' 'Let's go outside for a smoke then.'

I grabbed my cigarettes from the table and opened the door to the balcony while Meagan grabbed an ashtray from the kitchen. Sitting outside was a little chilly. But I've always loved sitting outside on Nikki's balcony... It has a very beautiful view on the ocean... A short moment later, Meagan sat down and placed the ashtray on the small table. There was an awkward silence between the two of us for a while... I never was really good at this... 'Listen, uh... Meagan... I need to get this off my chest.' 'Hm?' 'Look... I can imagine that Nikki didn't want you to find out that way and I can imagine that it's something you didn't expect to see... but...' 'Yeah, it was quite the shock but uh... Let's just forget that I ever saw you two like that.' 'Heh... Nikki told you about it, right?' 'Yeah, she did. I never suspected a thing. I've known her for, like, my entire life.' 'Are you okay with it...?' 'Yeah, why is that?' 'Because... You were yelling at Nikki back then and, well... I know what it's like to come out to someone and they don't take it so well...' 'Oh! No, no of course not! That was uh... About something else. But I'm cool with it.' 'Okay, good... Heh... It's just that a lot of things hasn't been easy for Nikki and me and well...' 'Yeah, I know what you mean...' 'Heh...' 'It's good that she finally found someone though. I was wondering why she was never bringing a guy home. She always hangs out with all the hot dudes and I didn't know how she was doing that.' 'Mutual interests...' 'Hehehe... I guess that's her secret. I always wondered how she and Terry got to be best friends. Did you met him?' 'Uh... Yeeeeeah... Let's just say I know him all too well...' 'He's hot... Nikki is lucky to be around him.' 'Uhm...' 'He did noticed me when he came over a couple of times. "Accidently" being caught coming out of the shower, only wearing a towel. Or being on the couch, "watching" TV in a t-shirt and panties... I've seen the way he looked at me.' 'Uh-huh...' 'I haven't seen him in a while but when I do see him again, I think I'm gonna make a move on him.' 'Don't count on it... He's already taken by someone...' 'Yeah, well, his relationships doesn't last very long.' 'Did I mentioned he's been with this girl for one and a half years?' 'Hm, bummer... Sounds like she's very special then.' 'Perhaps...'

Truth be told, I didn't like it when she mentioned Terry and her insinuations on what she might do with him... But I kept my mouth shut, I didn't tell her I was his girlfriend. But it also had me thinking... I suggested to Terry that he should see other girls... But I couldn't help myself to feel awfully jealous when I heard Meagan's intentions with him while nothing even happened yet... So how was it supposed to work out if Terry actually was spending the night with a different girl...? I'd be consumed with jealousy, even if I wasn't witnessing it... A plan that once seemed flawless was as leak as a basket... There was no way I could ever make it work between the two of us... A plan that was supposed to save everything simply didn't work anymore... Once I realized that, I sighed quietly, looking down on the concrete floor... 'Can I ask you something, Meagan?' 'Sure, ask away.' 'If you had to choose between something you both want and need but could only make one choice, what would you choose...?' 'Like what, for example?' 'Uh... Lemon ice-tea or Peach ice-tea...' 'That's easy, lemon.' 'Hehe... I don't really know how to put it... Uhm... Gucci or Prada.' 'Depends on their summer collection. I'd go with whatever I like best, hihi...' 'Hm...' 'Why do you ask?' 'No, it's nothing... Heh... I think I'll head back inside now...' 'Yeah, me too. It's getting cold.' 'Goodnight Meagan...' 'Goodnight.'

My cigarette was half way through but I stubbed it out in the ashtray anyway... I got back inside and made my way towards Nikki's bedroom where I got undressed and crawled under the blankets next to her... I stared at Nikki for a while, caressing her hair and kept wondering if I really had to give up on her to save my relationship with Terry... The thought of it turned my stomach... But caressing her still gave me the butterflies I've always felt... Cuddling her still made me feel peaceful... Kissing her still made me feel on top of the world... Nikki opened her eyes shortly after and just stared back in my eyes... 'Hey... I thought you were asleep...' 'I heard the two of you talking... And... I know what you meant...' 'Yeah...' 'I-I can't do this anymore, Ceylan...' 'I know...' 'Y-You're making me lie against one of my best friends a-and... I-I just...' 'Nikki...' 'N-No...! We need to tell him, Ceylan... And you know it...' 'I can't... I can't tell him that everything he ever did for me was for nothing... And even if we did tell him, things would never be the same again...' 'Things changed for the three of us already...' 'Heh... What would you choose if I asked you the same...?' 'I'd choose whoever my heart lies with...' 'Heh...'

I gave her a cuddle and a kiss on her lips as I held her close... My mind turned blank the moment I was staring in her eyes when she clenched on to me... It told me everything... Nikki didn't want me to take that choice either, afraid that I might leave her... But her message was clear to me... No matter what my choice would be, Nikki wanted me to stay... Nikki pressed her body against mine under the bed-sheets and clenched on me, with the intention of never letting go... And that's when she quietly whispered those three words... 'I love you...' 'I love you too, dushi...'

It went on for several weeks... Keeping myself awake at night, questioning and pondering about what Nikki said... Whoever my heart lies with... I thought about it... What that person really meant to me... Terry gave me everything I ever wished for... But it still wasn't enough... Was I lying to him unintentionally the whole time...? Lying to myself, believing he had everything I'd ever need...? It's strange to realize I wasn't longing to be with Terry anymore... Things became repetitive, just to keep up appearance... I couldn't enjoy being intimate with him anymore... I was distracted whenever I was spending the night with him... Terry often asked me if something was wrong but I always told him that nothing was wrong... But when a girl says that there's nothing wrong, everything is wrong... It caused us to have fights because of it... And everything just vanished, just like that...

One Friday evening, I was spending the nights at Terry's place but I didn't like staying there. I didn't really know why... I wanted to avoid him because being with Terry reminded what I was doing there in the first place. Just keeping up appearances... I distanced myself from him because being with him felt strange... And that night, while the two of us were in bed, we weren't intimate together... But he still gave me a lot of affection by cuddling and kissing me, whispering sweet little things in my ear... But I wasn't even responding to that anymore... I was staring at the ceiling in blank space as the minutes were ticking by and every once in a while, I heard him sigh quietly... I noticed he looked at me from the corner of my eyes every once in a while until he broke the silence... 'Why aren't you saying anything...?' 'It's nothing... We've been through this before, Terry...' 'Yeah and look where it got us...' 'Hm...' 'For fucks sake's... Just what is the matter with you? How do you expect me to help you if you're not even telling me what's wrong?' 'Heh...' 'Do you really want me to play therapist again and drag it out of you?!' 'No...' 'Goddamn it, Ceylan... I don't know you like this... Sometimes I wonder if I've ever really known you...' 'What do you want me to say?' 'I want you to tell me what the hell is going on with you! I've seen you change so rapidly and you're not the girl I used to know anymore! Why are you so distant?! Why are you so goddamn stubborn?! What is it you're hiding from me?!' 'I didn't change...' 'I'm SEEING it, Ceylan! I'm doing everything I can and I'm driving myself crazy every time I try to talk to you!' 'Then don't...' 'You're not the girl anymore I fell in love with...' 'Do you still love me...?' 'Yes!! Which is why I'm so goddamn worried about you! But hey, you obviously think everything is going great, so why the hell would you worry?!' 'Heh...' 'I did EVERYTHING for you! I've changed, turned my life upside down for you, I lost several friends because of you!' 'You lost friends because of me...?' 'Yes! You know why?! Because I wanted to spend more time with you than with them! They're not gonna ask me to come along forever! And at some point, they're not gonna even bother to ask anymore because I want to be more with you than with my friends!!' 'Heh...' 'I did ALL of these things for you and it's STILL not enough!!' 'It is...' 'Is it?! Well, obviously, it's not! I made all these sacrifices just to meet your expectations and to make you happy and it's still not enough!' 'Look... Terry...' 'No! I'm sick and tired of all the bullshit you're putting me through!' 'I'm sorry...' 'I thought we left that behind, you know... And... You should know that you mean the world to me and that I love you a lot but I get the feeling I'm always on my own when it comes to this...' 'Heh...' 'You always told me you that we should never hide things from each other and I never did... You never did... So why now?' 'Just... Things that were happening at home... That's all...' 'What's happening then?' 'I can't tell you... I-I'm sorry...'

He turned around in bed with his back facing me and I heard him sigh when he turned the lights off... I guess the two of us couldn't sleep that night... I was just staring at the ceiling again in blank space, knowing that there wasn't anything I could do to save what was left of us... I ran out of lies... I ran out of bullshit stories to tell him... So what was I supposed to tell him...? After everything said and done, I wished I could've done things differently... I wished I could've told him from the start that I'm bi-sexual... But so many things were going on back then and I just couldn't tell him simply because I was too afraid... I know I've put Terry through a lot of bullshit just to make me happy... It's not fair towards him, it never was while I did so little to make him happy... Everything I worked so hard far for to build up with him just shattered apart, just like that... I had no idea how to save us anymore... And that night I realized that I was loosing Terry, one way or another... I looked at Terry and I've never seen or heard him crying before... But I heard him sniffing his nose every once in a while and wiping his face... I couldn't have felt more sadder that night... I've once told him that he deserved someone better than me... That I would only hurt his feelings in the end... He wouldn't believe it back then but now he knew... That night, I realized that I kept Terry on a leash for so long, hoping that everything would be back the way things once were... I've lost hope but Terry didn't... All night long, I thought about it... And it was wrong of me to have kept him on a leash like that, to give him false hope even though there was nothing there anymore... I loved him from the bottom of my heart... I still do... But sometimes, loving someone means you need to let go...

I didn't stay long the next day... I went home and tried to make sense of everything, knowing I should let him go... Being alone in my room gave me a lot of time to think and I knew it was the right thing to do... I know this wasn't going to be easy and I wanted to avoid it... I actually thought of the possibility of sending him a text message to say that it's over just to be done with it but... I couldn't do that to him... All day long, I was practicing on what I was going to say to him and it seemed so clear and straight forward... And every time I wanted to get up from my bed and see him, I was held back... Slowly, the hours were ticking by and it was driving me insane to say the least... But I had to do it... I had to let him go for his own sake... I owed that much to him...

It wasn't until many hours later that I finally called him up and told him I needed to see him. So I drove over to his house and despite all the shit that was happening, Terry still had a weak smile on his face when he saw me... I took his hands and closed my eyes for a moment while we were standing there in the doorway... And that's when the tears came rolling down my face... 'Hey, what's wrong...?' 'I-I've been thinking for a while now and... I really don't want this for the both of us but... I-I can't do this anymore...' 'Come on, let's go inside...' 'No, no... I, uh...' 'Just tell me what's going on, Ceylan, please...' 'You and I, it's uh... It's the best thing that ever happened to me... You often told me that I was the one who made you change but... You made me see things differently...' 'Heh...' 'I-I love you, Terry, I really do... But... Sometimes, loving someone means to let go... And... I've hurt your feelings, more than once... Which is why I think you'll be better off with a girl who doesn't hurt you... It's not you... Really, it's not... It's me... I can only hurt you more than you already are... Which is why I can't do this anymore...' 'What are you trying to say...?' 'I can't keep you on a leash and give you false hope anymore... But I'm the problem and I always have been... Which is why I need to let you go... To give you a chance to find a girl who's so much better than me... I can't do this anymore... And I'm sorry... I truly am... B-But... It has to end...' 'Wait, wh-what? Ceylan, if this is about the fights we had, th-then I-' 'It's not... Please, trust me...' 'N-No! I-I mean, we've always worked it out! A-And I know things haven't been going great between the two of us lately b-but I know things will be better!' 'I can't do this anymore, Terry...' 'N-No, please! Wait! We don't have to!' 'I'm sorry...' 'No! Goddamn it, no! I don't want you to leave me!' 'Please, don't... Don't make it harder than it already is... I-I'm sorry, I truly am...'

At that moment, I couldn't hold myself anymore... There is no easy way to break up with someone... I knew it wasn't going to be easy but to hear Terry plea and beg to me caused me to feel so much heartfelt sorrow that I simply just choked down on my own words... I wasn't able to talk to him anymore... Letting go of his hands was the most difficult thing I ever did in my life... No matter what he said to me after that, the only thing I could quietly utter was that I was so sorry... And at some point, I couldn't take it anymore... I turned around and got to my car as quickly as I could while Terry followed me, still pleading and begging for me not to leave him... Once I unlocked the door of my car and got myself in, I looked at Terry who was standing on the sidewalk with red soggy eyes and a tear going down his cheek... I hesitated for a moment but started my car anyway... And so, I drove off, seeing Terry standing there in my rear view mirror, fading off until he was nothing but a tiny little dot...

All I did was crying in my room that evening... For all the mistakes I've made, for all the things I should've done and all the things I should've said to him... I should've followed my grandmother's advice when I still had the chance... I shouldn't have been so afraid to tell him about my orientation... Could've, should've... It's easily said afterwards... Terry's face was the only thing I was thinking off... I stomped on his heart with a boot and crushed it underneath... Knowing he did so much for me only to realize that it was all for nothing in the end was something I couldn't deal with... He called me many times that evening but I didn't answered his calls... I never wanted this in the first place but it still happened... Nothing could've prepared me for this... The thought that I ended our relationship and that I did it for him was something that was hard to swallow for me... I never had to sacrifice anything in our relationship but now I made the biggest sacrifice of them all... Letting go of someone you love deeply... But despite that, it didn't made me feel any better about it... Terry deserved to be with a girl who's so much better than me... I owed him that much...