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You Told Me

Clip, clop, clip, clop. Any fur could hear me approaching from a mile away. I sighed deeply and ducked my head, hiding beneath my hoodie, grey with pink text that I had once found amusing: "Plain Lazy: Undercover Genius." Some genius I was. I couldn't even get a relationship right. Or my essays. Crap student. Shit lover. I snorted and flattened my ears against my skull, the tips tickled by the inside of the hood. Such an annoyance. Just like me.

I didn't know where I was walking, avoiding every fur on the street. A light drizzle started to fall but I hardly noticed the coolness upon my exposed red coat, what was exposed. You told me that it wouldn't be like this. A fox heading to the chip shop (the nice one, not the one that you could acquire food poisoning from, no extra charge) glanced at me curiously and I hunched my shoulders, sliding my gaze away evasively. No questions. No questions, please. Please. He passed on and the street was quiet again, the street lamp buzzing and flickering overhead like something from the opening scene of a horror film. You told me that it wouldn't be like this and I trusted you. Where did that leave me? Nowhere, that's where.

Growling at the road, I kicked a stone and sent it clattering down the nearest drain. Score. Small successes. How sad it was for me to feel a spark of pleasure at knocking that stone out of my path. I'd lost sight of the bigger successes. And who really cared about that?

I paused at the fountain, still obscenely spurting water even at this late hour on this normal weekday. It splashed and gurgled, perpetual and comforting if it was too cold to park oneself upon the nearby benches, which were comparatively uncomfortable. I used to love water features. I stared into the water, remembering how I lingered in any shops selling anything like that, staying there until my parents dragged me away. They said that people would think I was stealing. I just liked looking at the water.

"Hey! Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, mm, sure! I'll see you there! 'Kay - bye!"

Stiffening as the dog passed me - a white Jack Russell terrier with a splash of brown over her eyes - with her mobile phone glued to her ear, I lifted my muzzle defensively. Yeah, I remembered her. She had not spoken to me in over a year. Just another memory and another fuck up on my part she was. I wonder what they said about me? Did I care?

No, I did not care, I decided. Wandering a little way down the street, I weaved back and forth indecisively, glancing at the windows that were still lit. Main street. The shops had closed hours ago but the pubs and food places were still open. I was hungry. Could I eat? My hooves felt like lead and I stopped dead in the middle of the pavement, the tip of my hoof grazing a jagged crack in the paving stones. They really should fix that. Never mind, I did not really need to eat anyway. Unnecessary. I am unnecessary.

The campus was not too far away. My hooves carried me there unbidden. Left hoof, right hoof, left hoof, right hoof, left hoof, right hoof. Again and again and again. I hated repetition like that. I felt as if I was a passenger in my own body. Perhaps a parasite? That might have been more accurate. Is that what you thought of me, I wonder? Too many questions. But you told me it would be okay. So why am I alone now?

Ah. I ended up at the river once more. It was a respectable river, filled with this bright green weed that had to be cut back when it grew too thickly. Some fur might have floated a raft down it when the water level was higher, but certainly nothing durable. It had been debated at one point. I dropped to my knees on the bank and dug my paws into the damp grass, a vague part of me hoping that there was no one around to see me in such a state. But I knew that even if somebody had seen, they would not have done anything. Maybe if I was underwater, they would realise their mistake.

No. Selfish. I could not afford to think like that. I was needed. I didn't want to be needed but I was needed. Curling my legs beneath me, I tried to make myself comfortable and watched the flow of water burbling downstream. You told me that it wouldn't be like this. Was that a lie? I'm cold. Someone stumbled out of the student club, slouching against the rubbish bin and emptying the contents of his stomach. He was a wolf. How typical to see another student acting like that when my little corner of the world was being ripped apart. At the seams, even. That was the saying, was it not?

My eyes blinked closed and I leaned my cheek on to my paw, curving my back at a painful angle. No matter. I could have sat on that river bank until I saw no more and I would have been satisfied with the deal. That was right, was it not? A deal with death. Oh, how I wished. How I wished. You told me it wouldn't be like this. Something splashed in the river and someone across campus shouted raucously. There was a clang as something metallic was flung forcibly. Something, someone, something. And then me. For now.

You told me it wouldn't be like this. But it is.

You told me.