FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Sympathy

Rain. It always seemed to rain at funerals. For as long as he could remember, Sam had always seen rain at funerals in movies, on t.v., even in real life when a funeral procession drove past it would inevitably seem to rain. The thought struck him as strange as he stared down into the hole that was now holding the large wooden casket he had purchased a few days ago. It seemed a waist to the mouse. His adoptive father had been a carpenter since long before Sam had been brought into the family of horses. He could remember the large painted telling Sam that wasting good wood was as good as throwing away your money. Sam didn't dare think of what was inside the expensive and gilded case that was now slowly being covered with dirt. It hadn't been that long since he had stopped crying and didn't want to begin anew. Just fighting the memories seemed to bring them on though, and the inevitable tears that now accentuated the pain and emptiness that he felt.

Sam looked over when a strong paw landed on his shoulder. He looked up to see his boyfriend looking down to him, a small sympathetic smile on his lips meant to comfort. His eyes held sadness as well though, slightly puffy and red from silent tears, then the act of rubbing to banish them. Sam returned the small smile, the view of his love becoming blurred by water that seemed to make Dillian's face waver in the slight glimpses of light that seemed to force their way through the clouds. It seemed even the sun refused to be absent from the day's events.

A deep shuddering breath was drawn between the mouse's lips as he looked around to the gathering of people who had come to pay their respects. He hadn't really bothered looking at faces until now, but he needed something to take his mind off of the pain he felt. All the expected were there. Friends. Family of the departed. Even his own family had come from three states away to be there. Sam was almost surprised to see his fathers head above most of the other furs attending. He might actually have been surprised, but he didn't know if he was even capable of such a complex emotion anymore. Ever since 'it' happened, he hadn't felt anything but the most basic of emotions. Even those were limited now.

Sam silently made his way over to the equine, noting with little emphasis that his adoptive mother and brother were there as well. The painted finally saw him before he reached the group of horses, his rabbit lover in tow. Both of them stopped a few feet short of the group, Sam looking back at his love for support before finally crossing the last few feet to his family.

He wasn't surprised when it was his quiet mother that moved first, taking him into a strong hug. One filled with love and shared hurt. Sam didn't return it. His body limp in her arms and his eyes fixed on his father. The male equine had a mixed look of anger and sadness that he did nothing to hide. When his mother finally let go and stepped back to her husband's side, his brother finally spoke.

"Sam . . . I-I'm so . . . " The mouse's eyes shot to his brothers without emotion, silencing him without a word. The rabbit behind Sam took a step forward, but stopped when he saw the exchange was finished without needing intervention. The five of them stood in silence for a few moments while Dillian fidgeted nervously, the rest of the crowd beginning to disperse after looking to the family. A slightly overweight female rabbit made her way over to the five, her paws shaking as she gently took Sam's to draw his attention.

"I'm so sorry for what happened . . . " She began, her cheek fur stained with rivulets where her tears had matted it down. Before she could continue, she broke down, heavy sobs wracking her body as she let her head drop. Another rabbit made his way over. Sam recognized the middle-aged grey fur as her husband. He put his paws on her shoulders to comfort her, heaving a sigh barely heard above his wife. He didn't have the red eyes from tears that would have been expected at such an event, but it was clear that he was hit just as hard as everyone else.

"I'm sorry . . . It's just . . . Dillian . . . " The older rabbit's mouth moved as he grasped for words to try and give an explanation that wasn't needed.

"It's ok dad." Sam's lover chimed in. "Nobody should expect anything else . . . " He empathized.

The older male rabbit took his wife into his arms to comfort her, ushering her away toward their car with downcast eyes. Dillian and Sam watched them until they disappeared over a hill.

"We should be going . . . " It was the first time in a while that Sam had heard his adoptive father speak even a single word. A voice that was almost foreign to the mouse's ears considering how long it had gone unheard. Sam looked back to him for a moment, neither showing emotion to the other more then they had already; least the others think less of the one. Sam nodded slightly, turning back to the grave and starting toward it.

"We want you to come with us!" His mother shouted as he walked. Sam stopped and turned to her, a question in the air that couldn't quite make it out. He looked to his father and the larger equine met his gaze. They stared each other down for a moment, then the horse turned away and nodded in affirmation. He let his eyes fall, his body torn between heading back toward the grave and over to his family.

Dillian stepped to him, putting his muzzle on top of Sam's head. "You can't be like this forever babe . . . " He cooed as his paws wrapped around the mouse's shoulders and hugged him tightly. "You should take the chance to make the amends." Sam pulled back slightly and looked up at the rabbit, fresh tears straining to fall. He finally nodded, his head making slow jerking movements as his eyes clamped shut to hold back the rivers that threatened to burst forth.

"What about Dillian?" The mouse asked without looking over to his family. None of them spoke, looking anywhere but at him. Sam didn't wait for an answer though, instead taking the rabbit's paw and leading him over to the equine group. Sam's father looked down at him again, and for a moment the mouse could have sworn that instead of the resentments and disgust that he had grow custom to seeing, there was actually caring in his father's look. There was only a fleeting moment though before the horse turned and lead them all to where he had parked the family's van. Sam climbed into the far back seat with Dillian close behind. His brother took the middle seat and their parents took the two front chair seats. All sat in silence for a moment, Sam's father obviously trying to think of something to say to the mouse. He finally gave up and started the engine, backing out without even checking his mirrors; least he catch another glimpse of his adopted son, and the evident pain the young mouse felt.

The drive back to their house was made in silence, his father only stopping for bathroom breaks, gas, and food. It took the rest of the day and most of the night before they reached the equine's house on a small cape overlooking the ocean. Sam's father had done well in his business, inheriting it from his father and turning it into an actual company that provided the income for their family. Sam let his eyes wander over the vaguely familiar shape of the old building.

The group of furs quickly emptied out of the van, each working a few stiff muscles before heading off to the house. Sam's father angled for the back of the house though, toward the small shop that he had added so he could continue to work on simple wood projects at home. The rest of them went for the front door, quickly shuffling inside.

"We left your room alone . . . " Sam's brother mumbled as he quickly headed for the stairs, taking two at a time to reach his room and his preferred solitude as quickly as possible. Sam slowly followed him up the steps, his mother watching in pained silence as the mouse ascended with slumped shoulders. Dillian stood next to her watching his lover for a few moments, then gave an apologetic smile before rushing to catch up.

Sam made it to his old room before Dillian managed to catch up, both staring at the door to what Sam saw as his old life.

"Remember when we used to think this door would be all the protection we needed?" He asked, his paw slowly turning the nob before pushing the heavy wood inward. The hinges gave a high-pitched squeal as the corrosion from disuse began to break away. Both furs stood in the doorway for a few moments before Dillian took Sam's paw.

"It's just a room love. Don't let it be any more than that." Sam looked up to him and gave a slight nod before finally heading into the darkness. He closed his eyes tightly as he reached over to flip on the light; his mind trying to show him the room the way it was before he had left. The last time that he had seen it was more than six months ago. When he felt the switch flick upwards at the gentle prodding of his finger, he almost laughed.

The room was just like he remembered it. All of his posters still hung on the wall. There wasn't even any dust on the dresser. He guessed that his mother had been cleaning it even though he never really planned on returning. He gently closed the door behind him, the soft 'click' of the brass, as it latched, almost making him wince.

All at once he was back in his room, but also in a memory. Sam spun around, taking in the furnishings. He let his eyes wander over the bookshelf against the far wall, next to the window. All of his models and books were still in the same places that they'd been when he last saw them. Next he let his eyes wander over to his entertainment stand. It too was untouched by time. His t.v. sat in the middle just as it had all those months ago, surrounded by all of his stereo equipment and movies that he had collected over the years of his youth. When he had though of it, he nearly chuckled. Although he was only seventeen, he still considered himself a different person then he was in his youth. He was confidant of it in fact. After the little diversion, he let his eyes continue their wander around the room.

He saw his old computer desk just as the rest of his old possessions had been, untouched by the time he had been gone. He noted that the computer had been switched off though, probably by his brother at his mother's request to save on the power bill. Sam let his eyes finally rest upon his bed, and all at once his memories began to take shape in the open air before him.

Sam saw Dillian and himself roughhousing in the middle of the room, their struggles eventually making the two slam into the wall. A shelf above Sam's bed was jarred enough that a small glass globe was jarred loose and fell to the floor with a crash. The two paid no attention to it though, their struggles becoming more fevered before they finally flopped onto the bed.

Dillian was on top of Sam, pinning the mouse by his wrists as the two giggled in childish exuberance. They panted at each other for a few moments before Dillian finally leaned down and kissed Sam gently. The mouse returned the affection, his head lifting from the bed to try and keep the contact between the two as Dillian sat back up. They giggled at each other again, the rabbit finally release his impromptu captive's wrists. Sam immediately pulled the rabbit back down, pressing their lips together again. They didn't even notice when the well-oiled mechanics of the door knob turned under a large paw. Not even when the door swung on its silent hinges did they realize that they were being interrupted.

"Hey Sam, what broke?" Sam's brother didn't even realize what he was seeing until the two on the bed began a frantic scramble to untangle themselves from each other. When it did finally dawn on the horse, his eyes grew wide in surprise. He turned and fled the room before either of the two younger furs could protest. Dillian sat on the bed next to Sam, both looking down the hall after his brother, then to each other. Both knew that whatever was going on in the equine's mind, it didn't bode well for the two.

All at once, Sam found himself back in the present. He was holding the glass globe from the shelf above his bed, slowly turning it in his paws. He saw that it had been carefully pieced back together, a clear glue holding the edges together. Sam set it down on his bedside table, his eyes never leaving the clear object, even when his paws fell limply at his sides.

"I remember the day that broke . . . " Dillian whispered as he embraced Sam from behind, gently hugging the slightly shorter mouse to his chest. "It's amazing how that stupid little thing changed our lives, huh?" Sam nodded slightly, wrapping his arms around the rabbit's own. The two stood there for a few moments before a slight nock on the door caught Sam's attention.

"Dinner's ready sweetheart . . . " His mom quietly told him through the wood.

"I'm not really hungry . . . " He sighed back, not really caring if she heard or not. He guessed she had when the sound of her softly padding back down the hallway toward the stairwell came to his ears. Dillian gave him another firm hug, then slowly let go and sat down on the bed. Sam plopped down next to him, letting himself fall back till he was laying half on the bed with his legs hanging off it. Dillian leaned over him, looking down at Sam's closed eyes. He sat that way for a moment, then leaned down and nuzzled into the mouse's cheek fur.

He nuzzled back, then wrapped his arms around Dillian's neck and pulled him into a gentle kiss. Sam let go quickly when the memory of the globe came back, the mouse half expecting his brother to be standing there in the door again. Sam gave a gentle sigh of relief when he saw that nobody was there. Dillian looked between him and the door, then gently laughed when he realized what the mouse was looking for.

"I think they learned their lesson from last time . . . " He giggled gently as he scooted farther onto the bed. He paused when Sam began to shift, the mouse moving his head to the pillow at the head of the bed. Dillian lay down next to his lover, hugging Sam to his chest in a spooning position. The pair lay there for a while, listening to each other breathing before Sam finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.

Sam opened his eyes to complete darkness. He reached a paw out and fumbled for the lamp he knew was on his nightstand. In his gentle flailing, his paw knocked something off the table that fell to the floor with a quiet crash. He finally found the lamp and quickly switched it on, wincing as the light nearly blinded him. When his eyes had finally adjusted, Sam leaned over the bed and looked down to the floor.

The glass globe sat there in pieces, just like it had the day that Dillian and Sam's relationship had been revealed to their parents. Sam looked back over his shoulder, expecting to see the sleeping form of his rabbit lover. When he saw only empty blankets, he let out a quiet squeak of panic. He thought about calling out for Dillian, but he realized that the rest of his family was probably asleep at this hour and wouldn't want to be disturbed by a mouse calling for his lost lover.

"He's probably just going to the bathroom or something." Sam told himself. He shook his head with a smile at his near panic, swinging his legs off the bed and carefully hopping down to start and clean the broken glass. He didn't even think about it as he did it, his mind set on reminiscing as he thought about all the times that the two young furs had played together. Of when they first realized that they loved each other.

A sharp jab caught his attention, drawing him from his memories. He looked down to see a sliver of glass sticking out of one of his fingers. Sam pulled the shard free without a second thought, only to pause as blood began to seep from the wound. He listened to the 'pat pat pat' as blood fell from his finger while staring at the wound transfixed. Almost as if he had been set on auto pilot, Sam watched as his other paw reached down and picked up a larger piece of the shattered globe. He looked at it for a moment, seeing the raised clear adhesive that had repaired the globe once before. The glass had broken in different places this time, so that his finger tips gently rested on the raised glue while he examined the sharp edge. He watched as a sharp edge of the glass made its way down to his other arm.

Sam looked down to the floor, surprised to see a small puddle had formed from the wound on his finger. He was so entranced by it that he jumped when another drop fell into the puddle and made the surface ripple. Sam watched the gentle waves spread out as the small circle of crimson steadily grew wider, seemingly faster then it should have from such a tiny little prick on his finger. He looked back to the wound, noticing that there were streaks of red running up his arm from the wound. It took him a moment to figure out that they weren't from the finger injury. He followed the lines of deep red up to their source, his brow furrowing in confusion when he saw something sticking out of his other paw as it pressed against the small of his elbow.

Sam moved his free paw away, giving a confused grunt when he saw something shiny sticking out of his arm. It was clear and covered with a little bit of blood where it protruded. Sam knew something was wrong but he couldn't seem to figure out what it was. His mind refused to let him think clearly, almost like the time that he and Dillian had gotten into his father's liquor cabinet and drunk themselves stupid. He smiled at the memory as his eyes followed the blood down his arm until he saw a large puddle of something dark and red on the floor.

"I better clean that up before mom sees it . . . " Sam said to himself as he slowly began to trace his paw tips through it, trying to pick up the offending stain. Sam felt so tired, his arms falling limp as he sat on his knees and let his body fall against the bed. He knew there was something he was going to get into trouble for but he couldn't figure out what it was. "Oh well . . . " He thought to himself as he let his eyes close. "Mom won't be too mad . . . " With that, Sam let sleep claim him.

"Sam . . . You have to wake up now babe. It's time to open your eyes and greet the day."

Sam smiled when he heard Dillian's voice, his eyes slowly creeping open to see his lover smiling down to him. He felt rested, his back arching as he stretched and sighed himself out of the last grips of sleep. Dillian leaned down and kissed him gently, letting their lips linger for a moment before pulling away. He sat on the bed next to Sam, resting a paw on the mouse's leg and giving it a gentle squeeze. Sam could see a troubled look in Dillian's eyes, making him slightly concerned. He sat up slowly, rubbing a paw along the rabbit's back.

"What's wrong babe?" He asked as his paws drew small circles in Dillian's shirt. The rabbit gave a deep sigh, then looked over to Sam with a sad smile.

"We need to talk . . . " He finally sighed.

Sam and Dillian sat at the edge of the bed together, the mouse leaning his head on the rabbit's shoulder while he waited for Dillian to start talking. Dillian looked down to him with the same sad smile, then cupped Sam's muzzle in a paw to pull him into another gentle kiss. Sam grew even more nervous, but let the kiss linger as long as it could before Dillian rested his forehead against his lover's.

"You know I love you with all my heart right?" Dillian whispered as he wrapped an arm around Sam's waist. The mouse only nodded in agreement, the motion causing them to nuzzle a bit. "And you know I'll always be here for you right?" This time Sam leaned back and looked up to him, fear in his confused eyes.

Dillian gave another deep sigh before meeting his gaze.

"It's time for me to leave Sam . . . " The rabbit whispered, pain in his voice making it almost waver with sobs. Sam looked up at him confused for a moment before he asked what the rabbit meant.

"You know what I mean babe . . . " The rabbit answered as he ran his free paw over Sam's left one. The mouse noticed that something felt strange about the touch so he looked down. For a moment he was confused when he saw a tube running into the middle of his paw, tape holding it in place. His mind worked like a Rolodex as he tried to figure out what it was. When he finally realized that it was an IV, his eyes darted around in fear. He realized that he was in a hospital room almost instantly.

Gentle sunlight was streaming in through the window, the heavy curtains thrown open like arms welcoming the warmth of the sun. He saw a metal pole holding a saline solution with a tube attached that ran to the one on his arm. He saw his father sitting in a chair next to the bed, his large frame slumped in the chair from when sleep had finally won a battle with the horse.

Sam jumped when he felt a paw on his muzzle again, drawing his gaze back to his lover.

"You got a bad cut on your arm when you were picking up the pieces of the globe . . . " Dillian told him, knowing the truth but refusing to say it. Sam knew that he was trying to be gentle, but he didn't want the soft words.

"What do you mean that you have to go?" The mouse demanded in hushed tones, looking over to check if he had roused his father, then back to Dillian.

"I was allowed to stay for a while cause I know you needed me, but my time is up . . . I have to go home now." Sam was still confused, but he was sure that he didn't want his rabbit to leave him. He wrapped his arms around Dillian's waist and hugged him tightly, refusing to let go when the rabbit's paws grasped his and gently tried to pull them apart.

"Sam, please . . . " The rabbit begged, his voice still fighting sobs. "I d-don't have much time and I have to know that you're gonna be ok." Sam shook his head violently, pressing it into Dillian's chest.

"I won't be!" He nearly shouted as he hugged the rabbit tighter. "I won't be ok without you. Not ever!" Dillian could feel that Sam had begun to cry, the mouse's sobs making his body shake slightly. He finally managed to pull Sam's paws free and cupped his lover's muzzle in both of his paws.

Dillian tried to think of something to say that would make Sam feel better. Something that would make sure the mouse would be able to go on with life and be happy. Nothing came to him no matter how hard he though. So instead, he pressed his lips to Sam's in a deep and powerful kiss. He could feel his cheeks stain with the tears that he had been holding back for so long, mixing with Sam's as they fell from the combined muzzles. The two let the kiss end gently, hugging themselves to each other.

They held each other for a few moments, comforting each other through sobs and tears. It was Sam who pulled back first this time. Dillian gave him a quick nuzzle before the two separated far enough that they could meet a gaze.

"It's not fair . . . " Sam sobbed quietly, his paws squeezing Dillian's as he turned his eyes away, wanting at that moment to be anywhere else but having this conversation. Dillian reached up and gently stroked a paw along Sam's cheek, smoothing out the ruffled fur and wiping tears away.

"I know it's not babe, but there's nothing I can do about it. I was lucky to get this much time to talk to you . . . " Sam sobbed deeply again before turning his tear stained eyes back up to his love.

"So I'm supposed to just let you go?" He asked, his voice pleading for an answer other then the one he knew to be true. Dillian shook his head, having to stifle his own sobs.

"You don't have to let me go. But I can't stay here with you like this. The rules don't exactly work in our favor on this."

"What fucking rules? Screw the rules!" Sam was nearly screaming again, his grip on the rabbit's paw tensing with his words.

"I wish I could just ignore them and stay here with you forever, but I had to make an agreement so that I could be here enough for you to see me." The two looked between each other for another few moments before Sam collapsed against Dillian's chest again.

"How am I supposed to go on without you?" He pleaded as he lay a paw on Dillian's chest. The rabbit hugged him as best he could in their position, his own pain hard enough to bear.

"I don't have the answers for you babe. I just know that you can. You can make it without me and you can be happy . . . "

"I'll never be happy without you!" Sam sobbed out into Dillian's shirt. Dillian grabbed Sam forcibly by the shoulders and forced him to sit up, looking into his eyes.

"YES YOU WILL!" He finally shouted. "You'll keep going on and you'll be happy and you'll fall in love again and I'll be watching and be happy for you!" The way he was ranting, it sounded like Dillian was trying to convince himself as much as he was the mouse. The two looked at each other in a slight shock.

"But how do you know?" Sam finally asked. Dillian gave his first real smile since they'd started talking.

"Because I love you . . . " He said matter-of-factly. "And when people love each other like we do, then they just know things like this about each other." Sam sat and digested what Dillian was saying, his own lips pulling into a small smile.

"I love you too . . . But I don't want to let you go." He sobbed again. Dillian turned away to try and fight off tears again, but let them fall anyway. He shook his head slightly at Sam in mock annoyance.

"I don't want to let you go either, you stubborn little fart . . . But we have to. We have to let each other go for now . . . " Sam's ears perked at the words.

"What do you mean 'for now?'" He asked quickly. Dillian gave him a large grin, but his eyes betrayed his pain while he spoke.

"If you die before you're supposed to, the rules won't let us be together again. But if you go on and live, then when it is your time we can be together again if we want." Sam shook visibly with his sobs as he nodded when he understood.

"I'll always want to be with you . . . " Sam sighed with an amused shake of his head, leaning in and taking Dillian in a soft kiss. It only lasted for a few moments, but they both felt an eternity in those quiet seconds that ticked by. When they pulled back, Dillian glanced over to the head of the bed where Sam's head had been resting in his sleep. The sunlight had reached the top of the bed and was just about to breach over the pillow, the make shift sun dial telling him what he didn't want to know.

"It's time . . . " Dillian sighed, his eyes returning to Sam's. The mouse panicked, his arms lashing around Dillian's neck and pulling them against each other.

"NO!" He shouted defiantly. "I'm not ready yet!" Dillian hugged his love for a moment, then pushed the mouse back gently.

"We can't fight it babe . . . " He sighed. "We have a few more seconds."

"It's not enough . . . " Sam quietly sobbed.

"It never is . . . " Dillian agreed as he slowly leaned in and kissed Sam again.

Sam's paw came up to caress Dillian's cheek, but it met nothing. Sam kept his eyes closed and sobbed deeply as he felt the pressure on his lips slowly disappear until there was nothing left. He stayed like that for a few moments, his paw in the air and his lips pursed before he slowly let his arm fall. He opened his lips and let out a shuddering sigh before finally letting his eyes slide slowly open.

The light that met his eyes was strong, and Sam had to fight the urge to cover his eyes. It didn't take long for them to adjust though, leaving him staring up at the faces of his adoptive family. He realized that he was still in the bed in the hospital, and that he was just now waking up for real.

Sam slowly sat up with the help of his brother and father, both being as gentle as they could. He looked back and forth between the two as he felt the familiar sting of tears at his eyes. They both had looks of nothing but love and relief, something that Sam didn't think he'd ever see from them again.

"Sam. I... I wanted to say I'm sorry for the way I've treated you . . . " His father sighed, his voice wavering with emotion that the mouse had never heard from the large equine. It surprised him, but he didn't bother letting it become that important.

"It's ok dad. I don't blame you . . . " His father smiled, pulling him into a hug as his brother leaned back with an amused chuckle at the display of affection. Sam was eventually released from the horse's grip, letting him sit upright on the bed again.

"So are you gonna be ok little bro?" Sam looked over to him, then turned and looked at the sunlight as it crept across his pillow. He turned back to look up at the horse with a smile that seemed more peaceful then anything that either could ever remember seeing or feeling respectively.

"I think I'll be all right . . . " He finally answered with a nod before turning and looking out the window. He saw a tree gently sway in the breeze as birds chirped their good morning's to each other and the world. "I think I'll be able to go on . . . "

His father and brother shared a confused look, but didn't question the peace that his answer gave.

"SAM!" The mouse turned to see his mother dashing across the room to wrap him in a relieved hug. He returned it with a giggle, making her draw back to look him in the eye.

"It's ok mom." He answered to her questioning look. A slight shadow in the beam of light that swept through the room seemed to flicker for a moment, then faded without being noticed by anyone but Sam. "Things are gonna be all right."

Yeah, it's sappy. I even misted while writing it. Let me know if it jerks a few tears please.