Inappropriate Feelings
This is a short prose from the P.O.V of a male zoroark. I'll be honest and say that I wrote this because of a personal issue in my life that I needed to get off my chest. It's not very uplifting, and it's extremely angsty. I wrote it because I felt it...nothing more.
...the older brother you've never had...
I can't even begin to explain how much of a privilege it is for you to give me this title, but I honestly have to ask, why me? When everyone else hears you say this, they laugh. Not at me, but at you. And really, why shouldn't they?
Of course, the sense of the word is different than how you humans normally use it. As we are not siblings in blood, nor in relation, nor in legality. We're nothing alike, not in personality, nor appearance, we're not even the same species...we are simply siblings through our bond, which is so much stronger. I'm honored...truly I am. For you treat me like family, make me your closest confident, confide in me everything that's on your mind. It is a trust that I promise will never be misplaced and I am grateful that you view me as such.
But though you give me such a high title, it pains me that I have to call you sister. Not because I don't see you as such, but because you are so much more to me. You're my best friend. One of the few that sees me for who I am, and the only one who doesn't flee from the sight. The only one who gets me. But although you know who I am inside, you still are blind to my thoughts.
It is true that I have emptied my heart to you on more than one occasion, but you will still never find my innermost thoughts. They were too painful to keep, so I had them removed long ago, leaving only an invisible scar in it's place.
But these thoughts I can not rid myself of so easily. Because the thoughts are the tumors, and the idea is the cancerous seed that started this sickness of the heart. The symptoms are treatable but the virus is always there.
I should have never let myself think of the possibility of "us". I liked to believe that we could be something much more than siblings, something much closer. I convinced myself that a different kind of love could bloom, but it seems I was living in denial. After all, I am quite good at creating illusions.
Oh how I miss those days, when I could stare at you from afar and not feel that I was doing something wrong. When I could admire your long, silky brown hair, and your small, slender physique without feeling the slightest hint of embarrassment.
...ok, a little bit of embarrassment, but for completely different reasons. It was more because you caught me looking than it was for me doing something I shouldn't.
I wish I had the heart to tell you then, but I was unsure. Was this love or attraction. I have never felt the former and very rarely the latter, so it was rather hard to tell. By the time I was sure, it was much too late...you were in the arms of the first of many. The first of a long line of men who did not, do no, and will never feel the same way that I do.
I was heartbroken, I was angry, and I wished I were dead, yet I didn't cry. Oh no, I would never cry. An older brother needs to stay strong for their little sister, and seeing as how your "relationships" never last longer than a few weeks, it seems that you would be needing my services too quickly for me to take a vacation from this ever so important role.
As I have learned, your heart is much more fragile than mine. Mine can handle this constant rejection, but yours shatters all too easily. So who should be kind enough to pick up the pieces other than your big bro?
...I love my job...I really do, and this is both my favorite and most loathed obligation. As you sit in my lap, my arms wrapped around you, and your head buried deep in my chest, for a moment, just one glorious fleeting moment, I can pretend that you're mine. That you feel the same way and we are just simply enjoying each others company.
But the moment quickly passes and you're tears matting down my fur only serve to remind me why I'm here...to mend your broken heart. So as you sit in my lap, I let you vent your frustration. I don't mind that so much, I can take it for you, but I can't bear to see you pin the blame on yourself.
You call yourself stupid and that you should have seen it coming, but that's not true. You are not dumb, you are innocent, one of the qualities that I enjoy most about you. How you can still lay outside on a warm summers night, look up at the stars and hang your mouth in awe as if it were the first time you've experienced such a sight. That sparkle in your eye of untainted youth that is always and will always be alight. I wish that my thoughts were so pure.
You say you're ugly and that drove him away. How could you possibly think that when everyone drools over you so much? Look in the mirror, stare into your eyes...those bright green, emerald eyes and tell me that your ugly. My guess is you won't be able to do it, because I know I sure can't.
But the worst of all, and it's always present, you ask me who could possibly fall in love with you. At that point, I am using all of my restraint. I want so bad to show you how I feel, not tell, but show. To show you that there is someone who will love you unconditionally and could not bare to be without you. To show you that I would never hurt you like your constant string of "boyfriends". But as I understand it, it is looked down upon to kiss your sister in such a fashion.
How can you not see it? Because quite frankly, I have been anything but subtle. The way I look at you when you talk to me. How my eyes linger just a bit too long as you walk away. How I'm always right there by your side when you're sad or scared. How I take every chance I can get to wrap my arms around you and enjoy your warm embrace.
Are you just toying with me, testing with me? Am I just a magikarp on a hook that you can throw away at any time? No, I refuse to believe it. I know you're not that kind of person.
Are you simply scared? I can understand that. I would be too after all of the people who have treated you wrong. But deep down you must know I would never do anything to hurt you.
I long for the time, a time that I'm sure will never come, when you can release me from this wonderfully wretched status of brother and we can begin something more. However, it is a hopeless cause.
Until that imaginary day comes, I will continue my job. For it is my pledge...
to talk to you when you are lonely
to comfort you when you're upset
to hold you close and be your stable rock when the rest of your world is fading away
and to pick up the pieces of your broken heart...even if mine is splitting at the seams.