Adventures usually lead to death.

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WARNING! _ This is a fanfiction, and ontop of that, an inaccurate one. It is a parody of the first few minutes in Firelink Shrine, in the Dark Souls game. There is no sex. There is no death. Just a really boring conversation, in great detail and painstakingly time taken. It is supposed to be viewed with the 'chibi' style anime in mind. Utter baffoonery._

The scenery seemed full of life. The grass was green, softly tilted to the north as the winds blew. The stone looked weathered but still easily identifiable. All the carvings and stonework seemed equally aged but never the less frozen in time. A man sat on a nearby log, clad in chainmail. He wore a longsword on his hip, and his shield was beatufiul despite its obvious superficial scarring. The crest still brilliant. As he sat he seemed to stare at what looked like another bonfire, a seemingly special obvious very much like a campfire, though it looked to be a wooden, or bone like sword, held in the ground by debris of somesort. It had the uncanny ability to ressurect whoever lit it, coming to rest by its world-altering flames. The young man who now stood by the bonfire, the target of the unknown man, seemed taken aback.

"How... How did I get here...? Wait.. That bird!"

With a quick spin the young pyromancer brought up his broken shield, a shabby wooden plate with a gaping hole in one side, his right hand coming a flame and launching a miniscule firebolt off at a stone.

"Well, well.." a bored, somewhat depressed voice said,".. what've we got here..?"

With a shameful pout, the pyromancer turned and nudged the dirt with his boot.

"W-What? Who're you?" the redhaired chubby asked, knees shacking like the joints of a skeleton.

"Oh? Me..? Well.. I'm just a really sad guy, who's given up on everything and just sits here making sarcastic remarks.. But on the upside, I might as well tell you that you're screwed. Because there's two bells, actually.." With a yawn, the crestfallen ding-hole just takes a breather. The fatso in really ragged robes just gawks.


"Did I know? Man, you're not the first poor sod sent this way. See those bloodstains? The phantoms? Yep. Anyways. There's one bell, high up in the church, yeah? Goodluck. Then, there's one down bellow, past the New Londo ruins.. But that's suicide, so pick your path.."

With a disbelieving look the pyromancer ran down a flight of stairs, took a sharp turn, and bolted right off a cliff, a resounding "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~" can be heard, until a large splashing sound and the man returning, poof, at the bonfire. "W-What? How in the Hell? Gah!"

"Having some trouble..?" asked the crestfallen dickbat.

"H-Huh? Oh... Yeah.. I kind of ran off a cliff."

"Well.. Aren't you a dumbshit? Okay.. Why not just have a seat? A good rest, maybe some time to think it all over, come to the same conclusion I have? We can go Hollow together."

"Uh.. No thanks!" turning once more, the chunky ragged shrivelled up corpse of a man ran off down the steps. This time he slowed, spotted a staircase, and ran down it. Out the corner he caught the shimmer of an item, the whispy particles wafting from a corpse like a small flame. "Oooh! Goodies!" he cried, running at them and snatching up the small glowing orb.

"Oh! it's souls! Sweet!" T

urning about he ran, and smacked right into a dredgling.

"Oooh, shit! Whoa whoa whoa!", and with that fell back on his ass. "Shit, oh fuck... Oh.. He's just.. Crying? The fuck man.. Oh well.. He isn't stabbing me.."

With that, he got up and walked down another short flight of stairs and came face to face, the ruins he surmised. "Wow... The fuck happened here..?" The ruins, semi-submerged in muck and filth and rancid water stood out in a great expanse, the moon shining down on it eerily and a wooden boardwalk the only thing connecting the cobble he now stood on, to that once-great city.

"Huh, alright.. I guess it's time to go looting.."

Carefully, taking heed not to disturb any of the seemingly neutral dredges, the half-dead corpse of a man wandered about, picking up items and weapons without much worry. He even found a new blade, not as good as his axe, but he seemed to be able to stab with it over the edge of his pathetic wooden plank of a shield. "Huh, that should help.."

With that, he set off across the wooden walkway, coming to the decaying remains of a tower, and was beset upon by a cruel enemy. Ghosts. These apparitions lashed out at him with seemingly incorporeal weapons, and still they stung, biting into his ragged husk, tearing great chunks of rotten muscle and meat away, leaning dried gaps that bled little. "Ow! Fuck! Shit! Why can't I hit them! GAH!"


Back at the bonfire.


With a sigh, the chubby pyromancer sat and huffed, nuding the bonfire with the tip of his estoc. "What am I going to do? I can't figure this shit out!"

If only he looked behind him. A well, with a corpse lying over its lip shone with what looked like a whisp, only it was darker in its center, and exuded a sort of welcoming darkness. Humanity. And beyond that, a hill leading to a rampart connected a giant citedel, built with its own city, castle, and atop it all, a massive cathedral. If only he would just look!