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Terry still wasn't aware of anything that was happening between Nicole and me. But that didn't mean Nikki and I felt comfortable for doing so... And it's a strange thing because despite the fact the two of us knew it was wrong to go behind his back like that, we still kept seeing each other which usually ended up for us to sleep with each other... It's stupid to think that at the time but I felt I was doing the right thing. As if cheating on my boyfriend was justified because I was confused. Thinking back now made me realize that it was just an excuse so that I was able to face him... To have a clean conscience, so to speak. It might've looked like that whenever I was with Terry... But deep down inside, my conscience was anything but clean...

The things that happened at home with Catherine had a deep impact on my self-esteem. Finally being able to come out and someone stomps you in the ground like that. My grandmother took it well when I told her seven years ago... Simon took it well... But Catherine didn't for some reason. She said things that really hurt me and made me feel so upset about it. But I found comfort in the arms of the girl I fell in love with... Feelings I haven't felt for quite a long time came back whenever I was around her, as if they never were away... My relationships have always been very casual... Sarah and Samantha only cared to get laid with me... And it caused me to have a total different view about love and sex... I didn't like that idea of having casual sex but I always gave in with them, simply because it brought me closer to the girls I fell in love with... And maybe it's because I didn't know any better... Nothing was ever certain for me when it came to love and sex... But there was one thing I did know for sure... They never shared the same feelings for me as I did for them... Being with them made me want to believe I was happy but I wasn't because they didn't share the same feelings... And I was perfectly fine with that, simply because I didn't know any better... Until I met Terry... Being with Terry made me realize what I wanted and what I needed. But the more I was spending time with Terry, the more I realized that I was something missing... It wasn't until I met Nicole when I found out what has been missing for so long... That was the most confusing for me and only confirmed what I thought for many years... It made me realize I am bi-sexual. The feelings I felt for Nicole became mutual... And then, one night, it just happened... I kissed her... And slept with her that very same night... Being in love with Terry's best friend... I tried to tell Terry the truth but it was too difficult for me, especially after I slept with Nikki... It became impossible after I saw Catherine's reaction when I told her I'm bi-sexual... So I figured it was best to leave things the way they were... Seeing Nikki behind Terry's back... I thought being with the two of them was everything I needed... And perhaps it really was everything I needed... What I didn't realize was that I was dragging the two of them down with me... The feelings that Nikki and I have for each other was stronger than our sense of loyalty towards Terry... So we kept lying to him... But my grandmother once told me that even a half truth is a whole lie... And the cruellest lies are often told in silence... For not telling him...

That Monday's evening, that week after the things that happened at home, I stayed over at Terry's place. But being with him felt wrong for some reason or another... Perhaps it was because I was lying to him... Or maybe it was because I was longing for someone else... Whatever the reason was, I didn't know what made it feel wrong... Many hours after we went to bed, I kept staring at the ceiling while so many questions came by. Terry fell asleep hours ago... We've been intimate that evening but I couldn't enjoy it... As if it was necessary, to keep up appearances... So many questions were going through my mind that night but I never had an answer... I saw a notepad on Terry's desk and grabbed a pen from his pen tray when I sat down in the window sill, staring outside... I closed my eyes for a moment in an attempt to clear my mind... The hand I was holding the pen with did all the work... As if it had a life of it's own... Writing my feelings and emotions down on paper in Urdu, my native writing language... Writing from right to left is something to get used to again though... No one would be able to read it unless they know how... I think you've seen my writings before... It's more like drawing rather than writing with all those complex symbols... But I know what I was writing down... I could read it perfectly... I confessed everything on paper... Everything I felt... Feeling guilty, confused, angry, sad, labile... Wondering if it was wrong for me to have feelings for Nikki... Knowing it was wrong to cheat on Terry... Writing down that I didn't deserve Terry made me shed a tear... Because knowing that I did to him was wrong would make me lie not only against him but also lie against myself... And no one would believe a liar, even when she's telling the truth... So how was I able to believe myself if I did...? I couldn't... One page was written half way until I noticed the pen started to run out of ink. I should've been more careful when I took a different pen from his pen tray... I wasn't careful enough when I took another pen and the pen tray fell over on the ground... The sound of it woke him up... He sat upright in bed and looked very sleepy when he faced me... 'What's going on...?' 'O-oh, hey, uhm... heh... I-I'm sorry, I uhm...' 'You okay...?'

Terry looked at me when I was quickly wiping my eyes, pretending nothing was wrong but Terry saw through that... He knows me longer then today... He got up from his bed, pulled up his office chair and sat down across me... 'Yeah, I'm just... I-I'm just having trouble to sleep... That's all...' 'What are you writing...?' 'Nothing... It's just scribbles...'

It stayed silent for a long time as I sighed quietly every once in a while... But seeing Terry sitting across me, not knowing what was really going on, only made me feel more guilty... I wasn't able to look him in the eyes anymore... 'You've been acting very quiet lately... Is there something on your mind...?' 'Catherine and I have had several fights and well...' 'Really...?' 'Yeah... We both said things that hurt each other deeply... I'm staying over at my grandmother's house for the time being...' 'Is it that bad...?' 'Yeah...' 'Is there anything I can do...?' 'I-I'll be okay... But... Thank you...' 'Why haven't you told me before...?' 'I'm sorry, too many things are happening... I, uh... I didn't even thought of it...'

Terry gave me a quiet nod and kept staring at me while I wasn't staring back at him... Maybe now it was finally time to tell him... But what if I told him and his reaction would be the same as Catherine's...? Or even worse for cheating on him...? I was this close to make an attempt at telling him... But I swallowed my words the moment I realized I was too afraid to tell him... It stayed silent for a long time again and it made me feel even worse... 'Terry...?' 'Yeah...?' 'Did you ever had to make a choice between something you want and between something you need...?' 'All the time, dude... I once had to choose whether or not to poop when I had visitors. That was a real dilemma.' 'Terry... I'm serious...' 'I'm sorry, I just thought to break the tense atmosphere. But uhm... Yeah...' 'What choice was that, if you don't mind me asking...?' 'The choice was you...' 'Me...?' 'Yeah...' 'How so...?' 'Well, I wanted to continue the way I lived. But what I needed was you...' 'Heh...' 'So... That choice was easily made...' 'What if there are two separate things you both want and need but can only make one choice...?' 'Outweigh the pro's and con's, compare it with the other choice you have and draw your own conclusion. And then just pick one.' 'I see...' 'That's what I always did with multiple choice tests. I always ended up with a five or lower.' 'But what if you had to choose between two people who are both equal to you...?' 'It's about Catherine, isn't it...?'

I closed my eyes for a moment and felt so fucked up... It was on the tip of my tongue yet I was too afraid to tell him... So I quietly nodded to gave him the impression that it was even though it wasn't... "Goddamn it, fucking liar... Magai chinana bokulo..." 'Well, my dad always taught me that family comes first. Friends come and go but family stays. And if you have a fight with Catherine, you need to resolve that...' 'Even if she refuses to understand...?' 'Even if she refuses...' 'What about... uhm... W-What about the other person...? Someone you shouldn't be with...?' 'Wait... Uh... What do you mean? Is this about me and Catherine...?'

"Don't make it worse than it already is, you tsu'gaiju... You already gave him the wrong impression, don't fuck it up..." I sighed quietly and closed my eyes for a moment to find the right words... I just couldn't find anything... 'No, no, it's not about you, honestly...' 'Oh, for a second there, I thought Catherine didn't want me around you...' 'No, of course not... Heh... She's very fond of you...' 'Okay, good, haha... But uh... Why are you asking me all this...?' 'No reason...'

Terry looked at me and I saw his eyes... I know he had so many questions but he knew all too well he shouldn't push those questions... He did in the past and that didn't turn out so well for the both of us... So he didn't ask me any questions... 'Well, I know you and Catherine don't always get along but... She's still your mother and-' 'Catherine is not my mother. She never was or ever will be.'

I shouldn't have been so snappy with him... It wasn't his fault... I needed answers but how can you get any if you can't even tell the whole truth...? 'I'm sorry, Terry... I didn't mean it like that... There's just a lot of things going on that I need to sort out for myself... And I appreciate you're trying to help me but it's something I need to do on my own...' 'It's okay but... Catherine is still willing to be one for you...' 'No, she doesn't... Not anymore...' 'What exactly is going on between the two of you?' 'Too much...'

It stayed quiet for a long time again as I thought things over while looking outside the window... I just didn't know anymore... I know how Terry must've felt that evening when he was fishing for answers... 'Did I ever hurt your feelings, Terry...?' 'Well, there were times when things didn't go so great between the two of us but that's all in the past, right...? We worked that out...' 'Heh... But... What if the two of us were seeing other people...?' 'What do you mean?' 'Just like I said...' 'For sex or... To be in love with someone else...?' 'Perhaps both...' 'Wait, what?? No...! Dude, what are you trying to insinuate?' 'It's just...' 'Are you seeing another guy...??' 'I-I, uhm...' 'Are you??' 'N-No...! No, I'm not...'

Technically, I didn't lie to him because I wasn't seeing a male... I was seeing a girl behind his back... Had he been more specific, I would've had a whole lot more difficulty to answer him... And even though I wasn't technically lying to him, it didn't help made me feel any better... Nevertheless, Terry felt somewhat relieved when I told him I wasn't seeing another guy... But still, he needed answers from me... Answers he was able to accept... 'Look... I know you wanted me to see other girls to sleep with but goddamn it, Ceylan, you really need to stop doing this...' 'I-I'm sorry, I'm just...' 'I thought we moved on, you know! If you really wanna see someone else that bad just because I'm not making you happy, tell me now and I'll do everything I can to make sure that you are!' 'N-No, you don't understand, I-I didn't mean it that way...!' 'Then why do you want to see other people?!' 'I-I don't... I... I just want you to be happy and... I-I always told you that you could sleep with other girls if that's what it takes...' 'What I'm trying to do is to commit myself to you! Every time you tell me to find another girl to fuck makes me feel as I'm not trying too hard to commit myself to you! And I'm so sick and tired of this bullshit you're putting me through, Ceylan! Tell me what I'm doing wrong to give you that impression, tell me why you want me to!' 'It's not you, Terry... Honestly... I don't know what to say...' 'Every fucking time, Ceylan...' 'I-I know and I'm sorry...' 'Then start telling me what is on your mind...! I always have to drag things out of you in order for you to talk about it!' 'It's not you, Terry, it's me...' 'Then tell me! Goddamn it, just tell me! Be straight with me for once!'

At that point, I had a chunk stuck in my throat and wasn't able to speak anymore... I can't expect Terry to keep his patience and showing sympathy for my problems... After all, did I ever showed sympathy for his problems...? Maybe but I can't remember that I ever did... But what was I supposed to tell him that night...? I didn't know... So I stayed quiet... And my grandmother was right... The cruellest lies are often told in silence... I couldn't have felt more shitty that night... Terry shook his head and got up from his chair... He flopped down on his bed with his back facing me while I stayed in the window sill... Feeling rather shitty for always managing to give him the wrong impressions... To give him the partial truth... I don't wanna lose him... I just wanted him to know I fell in love with his best friend and that I wanted to be with her as well... That's the reason why I wanted him to find another girl... To be with her whenever he wasn't around and that he'd be perfectly fine with that... If only I could tell him that... No matter how I tried to bring it up, he never took it well... Because Terry gave that all up when he chose to be with me... He deserves a girl so much better than me... We always managed to make it though... But for the first time, I realized that I was losing him if I didn't tell him the truth... So I stared at Terry's back, wondering if I would ever be able to...

For the rest of the week, I didn't stay over at Terry's place anymore but stayed at my grandmother's house for the night. Terry often called me but I wasn't answering his calls. Whenever I saw him in college, he took me somewhere apart for us to talk but our conversations never lasted long. Terry was worried about me but I always kept it short... It felt as if I was cramped inside that little box again until I panicked and had to break free... So I did... It caused us to have fights about it... And by the end of the week, Terry didn't take me apart anymore... But Nikki always made me forget about the shit that was happening around me. Always comforting me, knowing what to say to make me feel better... It was one of the reasons why I kept coming back to her... I was always able to cry my heart out on her shoulder and it felt as if my body was turning inside out until every last drop of emotion was wrung out by me... I often told Nikki how scared I was, how insecure I felt about it... She didn't say much but just listened... It made me blind... I was driven by the spur of her affection, her caring and her sympathy... And I showed the same in the only way I knew... I made love to her every time the two of us were alone in her apartment... It meant the world to me... But it also made me feel empty afterwards whenever I left her place...

My grandmother, Simon and Catherine knew that I'm bi-sexual. But what they didn't know was that I was seeing Nikki behind Terry's back. My grandmother and Simon wouldn't have approved of my actions if I told them... Not because it was wrong for me to be with a girl but because I was hurting Terry's feelings if I did. So I was lying to them as well... It's funny how I once said that I value honesty the most but now I was lying to people myself... It only caused me to feel more guilty than I already felt... Nevertheless, I stayed with my grandmother for two weeks. Simon regularly called to see how I was doing and I really appreciated that... But still, Simon kept asking me to come home but I didn't... The whole family visited my grandmother every Saturday but that weekend, I was spending time with Nikki... The next Saturday however, I knew that Catherine would be there as well...

I wanted to give up everything in order to change things back the way they were simply because I couldn't take it anymore. Apologizing to Catherine that I'm bi-sexual, tell her she's right about it, break up with Nikki and save my relationship with Terry. I often thought about it at night, while I was in bed... But would it really be that simple as I pictured it to be...? Catherine already knew... I already knew I slept with Nikki and that was enough for me to realize that things would never be the same again... There was no point in denying that... I felt that I had to in order to make things right... But I would still know that I slept with Nikki and it would only make the guilt I felt grow... It's stupid to think that I was able to make everything right... But I wasn't realizing it at the time because desperation got the better of me...

Catherine saw me that Saturday but she wasn't even looking at me... Acting as if nothing ever happened, as if I just wasn't there... That was something that hurt me the most... No one else knew what was going on except my grandmother, Simon and Catherine. I couldn't have felt more miserable to see Catherine acting all happy and talking to my relatives instead of me... She didn't even see me... And I was unusually quiet, even around my cousins... I wasn't so hungry during dinner and I only ate a little... But being ignored by Catherine made me very miserable... And at some point, I couldn't take it anymore... I quietly made my way upstairs and flopped down on the bed in my grandmothers guestroom... I guess no one would really notice... I stared at the ceiling for a long time, waiting for the day to end... Wondering about everything that was happening around me... But I snapped out of it the moment I heard someone coming up the stairs... Whoever it was, was looking for something, seeing as I heard quiet knock on the doors in the hallway, only opening up a short moment later... The same happened with the guestroom... A quiet knock on the door and it opened up several moments later... I thought it was Catherine... But it turned out to be someone else... 'Hey, there you are!' 'Hey, Ashley...' 'Do you wanna play checkers? Nathan and Joshua are boring...' 'No, sweetheart...' 'What's wrong...?' 'Nothing, I just don't feel so well...' 'Oh... Did you take aspirin?' 'Hm-mm...'

Ashley lied down next to me on the bed and gave me a cuddle... You'll never have to ask her to give you a hug... She does that spontaneously... At random moments she tells you that she loves you... Ashley quietly whispered that she loved me... That's just who she is... A beautiful little angel... That hug she gave me was the best thing that happened to me in two weeks... And perhaps that was all I needed... As if she just knew I needed it the most... 'Ceylan...?' 'Yes kitten...?' 'Where's Terry...? I haven't seen him in a while...' 'Terry's out with his own friends...' 'Oh...' 'Why, do you miss him...?' 'Kind of... He's silly...' 'Yeah... He is...' 'But you can be silly too!' 'Well, not all the time, am I?' 'Nooooooo... 'Hihi, good...' 'But I like it when you're silly...' 'And you? Can you act silly too, Ash?' 'Yes! But not right now.' 'Oh? Why not?' 'Because Nathan says it makes me look immature.' 'Hm... No, I don't really think so...' 'Why not...?' 'Because immature is a word that boring people use to describe fun people... Grandma once told me that...' 'So... If he says I'm immature, he actually means I'm funny?' 'Yes...' 'Hihi...' 'So I guess that makes us funny kittens...' 'Yeah!' 'Hm-mm...'

Ashley stayed upstairs with me for the rest of the evening. And it was nice, because her company gave me distraction from everything that was happening. We were talking about all sorts of things... But at around ten o'clock, her parents went home and she had to go as well... She gave me a kiss and a firm cuddle and told me she loved me once more... But as soon as she left the room, I closed my eyes and dozed off...

I woke up by the sound of voices coming from downstairs... I blinked my eyes a couple of times and looked at my mobile-phone to see it was already passed midnight. It sounded rather quiet downstairs and I figured most of my relatives were gone... The voices that came from downstairs sounded familiar though... I recognized them... It was Simon, Catherine and my grandmother... They were the only ones who were downstairs... I closed my eyes and focused on those voices to hear what they were discussing about... My grandmother was the one who talked the most though... The door of the guestroom was open for me to hear it... 'Ceylan told me everything, Catherine. She even told me that you said to her that she's not your daughter anymore. How can you even say that to her? After everything she's been through?' 'Hm...' It just pains me to see that you're not realizing what you're doing to her.' 'What I'm doing to her? You mean, protecting her?' 'You're not protecting her, you're smothering her. Telling her who to fall in love with, telling her what to feel. You must understand that it's never a choice she made, it's just who Ceylan really is.' 'I told her so many times how I think about it and she knows it... She just doesn't accept the fact that it's not natural for us...'

And at that point... My grandmother sounded so pissed... I've never seen her being angry with someone but damn... Just the tone of her voice made me realize she was furious at Catherine for saying that... I couldn't recognize her sweet, quiet, gentle sound of her voice anymore... 'Who are you to decide that for her, Catherine...?!' 'Because I'm her mother...!' 'Exactly! She is YOUR daughter! And she is my granddaughter! For seven years, I've seen her struggling with it! For seven years, I was there for her whenever she questioned whether it was right or wrong for the feelings that she has! Trying to take away all the doubts and all the worries that she had!' 'Mom, please, calm down...'

It was pretty clear that my grandmother was furious at Catherine for being so narrow minded... When Simon intervened, it stayed quiet for a while... Until my grandmother broke the silence once more... 'You've been in this family for more than thirty three years, Catherine... We've always been there for you, even when your own family was not... You, of all people, should know how important family is... To lose a mother... Did we ever judged you for what you did in the past...? Did I ever judged you for who you are...?' 'No...' 'Then why should you judge Ceylan for who she really is...? What are you afraid of...?' 'I, uhm... I'm not afraid of it, it's just...' 'Tell me, dear...' 'I've always pictured Kaelyn to find someone and start a family... To have a little kitten of her own... One of my dreams was to see her grow up... And to see her little kitten grow up... Too many dreams have been shattered to pieces when Kaelyn died at birth...' 'I know, dear...' 'Ceylan never called us her parents... And in some way, I can relate... Simon told me that if she did, Ceylan would feel as if we were trying to replace her parents... We can't and we don't want to... But Ceylan isn't replacing Kaelyn either... And I thought that Ceylan could make our dreams come true...' 'Our dreams are irrelevant when it comes to that... And you know it... We saw her growing up into the woman she is today... That's one dream that came true for us...' 'I know, but... It's just so hard to let go of...' 'Would you treat Kaelyn the same if she had feelings for other girls...?' 'I-I, uhm...' 'It's not fair towards Ceylan... She can never decide who she falls in love with... But she can decide who she wants to spend her life with... With either a girl or a boy... And that is a choice of her you'll have to accept... Otherwise you'll lose her and all of your dreams...'

Was I just as narrow minded as she was...? For not looking any deeper, to find the reason why...? I suppose I was... Catherine wasn't afraid of what I am... But she was afraid to let go of her dreams... And I know that sounds a little selfish because after all, it's my life... But I had to look further than that, which I didn't... Both of us were wrong in the end... I wasn't realizing it before but I did that night, after I heard what was really going on... I heard Catherine crying quietly downstairs... The longer I listened, the more I wanted to set things right between us... And at some point, I took my things and went downstairs... I saw Catherine sitting on the couch with her hands covering her face as Simon had his arms around his shoulders and my grandmother was sitting in a chair across... And well, I wasn't able to hold myself anymore after seeing that... The moment Catherine noticed me, I dropped my bag and we embraced each other... I told her I heard everything and she quietly whispered how sorry she was for the things she said... That it was selfish of her to think like that... And even though I never owed her an apology, I too said that I felt sorry for everything I said... She asked me to come home, which I wanted to, more than anything... I gave my grandmother and Simon big firm hugs as the tears were running down my face and thanked them from the bottom of my heart that they were there for me when I needed them the most...

So uh... Yeah... That was quite an emotional night. Even though Catherine said that she was fine with it, I could still notice she had trouble to accept the fact that I'm bi-sexual. And even though things went rather wobbly, I figured that Catherine just needed time to accept it. It solved one problem for me but the other one still wasn't fixed. I never wanted to go through that again so I decided I wouldn't tell Terry what really happened between Nikki and me... It always made me feel empty whenever I was spending time with either Terry or Nikki... The longer I was cheating on Terry, the more I realized I didn't want any of it... But I already felt it was too late... Terry tried to talk to me to see if there was a way for him to help me... But I always told him everything was fine... At some point, I was spending more time with Nikki than with Terry... I had sex with Nikki behind Terry's back... But it always made me feel empty on the inside, simply because of the fact that my relationship with Nikki and Terry was one, big fucking lie... And even though Nikki and I didn't want to be together without Terry knowing, we still kept seeing each other... Nikki and I both didn't felt comfortable with our affair and yet we kept seeing each other... She distracted me from my problems with Terry and being with her gave me time to think if I was really happy with Terry... I told myself I was happy with the way things were going... But I suppose Nikki wasn't because she never talked to me about her feelings... How she felt about our relationship... Cheating on my boyfriend and her best friend was an awful truth we'd rather not wanted to be confronted with... So we chose not to... But deep down inside, we both knew it all too well... And we would regret that we lied to him for a very long time... We simply weren't just realizing it at the time...