Flaming Naruto Rant (Some Information is Now Out Dated)
Venting my hatred for the series of Naruto.
Why am I deciding to rant about Naruto on So Furry? Well my rage at this series reached a spiking point with the big reveal on who Tobi truly is and I feel obligated to blow off my steam in the nearest possible access point, rather than keeping it all together. I'll also be adding this to Inkbunny as well.
This article is my rant about the series Naruto, and how it changed from a potentially cool series, into a convoluted mess of plot holes, fake plot twists, and just all around bull shit. Most of this rant will be focused on the time skip, and all the bull shit that happened afterward, but there are some points pre-time skip that are worth mentioning, because they will play a part in why the post-time skip makes little sense.
This article will detail why I started to loathe the Naruto series, as well as why the only reason I am sticking around any longer is to see the final battle between Naruto and Sasuke. I could give a rat's ass how the rest of the story plays out from there. Once this conclusion is fleshed out, I'm done. We've had all this build up, all this tension between the two characters, and I am not about to just say "Screw it" and leave before I've had my expectations either satisfied, or smashed by whatever battle the series ends up showing.
NOTE: This article may contain spoilers for those who haven't seen too far into the series. It will definitely contain swearing and naughty words as I lose the ability to suppress my rage. If there are any Naruto fans out there who still feel the need to defend this series, by all means, please start by justifying the points rant about in this article first.
First on my list of rants is the following:
Orochimaru Fixing His Arms: For those of you who are not aware, before the time skip, Orochimaru battled the 3rd Hokage, and was subjected to a technique in which his soul's arms were cut off and devoured by the death god. This left him apparently unable to ever use his arms again, as they began to rot and decay over time.
Orochimaru, after a desperate attempt to bribe Tsunade into fixing his arms, renders the entire plan completely pointless by using his soul transfer jutsu to send his own soul into another body, which instantly fixes his arms. Now this is where the bull shit is detected. How does transferring his soul into another body repair his arms?
I have heard a couple excuses such as his soul's arms regenerating, or his new host body's arms being able to work. Well if his soul's arms regenerated, why didn't his original body's arms restore themselves to life? They were rotting because they had no soul, and therefor, had no life, a regenerating soul should have restored them.
Even if his new host body had working arms, the fact that Orochimaru's soul arms were cut off would mean that they would immediately begin rotting like his old body. This was a technique performed on him by the GOD OF DEATH, and even for someone like Orochimaru, I highly doubt a god's technique could be cured as easily as just swapping bodies. This technique should have had a far greater impact on Orochimaru, because since this cop out was used, it now means that the First, Second, and Third Hokages are all being tortured inside the Death God's stomach for eternity, and Orochimaru gets off completely free. Sarutobi condemned himself, and two of his greatest friends to eternal suffering for nothing.
Itachi being a Pacifist: Wait, WHAT!?! Out of fricken nowhere, we get some twist story that the Uchiha clan was preparing to take over Konoha, and Itachi chose to kill the family to prevent war and protect his younger brother?
Oh sure, you wanted to protect your brother, that's why you told him to fill his soul with hatred, and that in order to obtain the power to beat you, he had to murder his best friend. Real fucking pacifism there, way to be a protective brother and make sure your little sibling grows up an emotionally damaged psychopath.
And when Sasuke does confront him and tries to kill Itachi, he breaks his arm, pins him to the wall and psychologically tortures him for the equivalent of 3 days, causing him to fall into a catatonic state which only Tsunade could heal, which she almost didn't, had it not been for Naruto and Jiraiya's assistance. Everything leading up to that battle suggests that Itachi cared nothing for Sasuke, and chose to kill the clan simply for the hell of it.
Mangekyo Sharingan / AKA Batman Eyes: Before the time skip, we were told that the Sharingan was the most powerful blood limit in the ninja world, and we were given 3 abilities that proved it. The Sharingan has the ability to predict enemy movements, instantly learn any techniques it had witnessed, and hypnotize opponents. Later on, we were told about its ascended state, the Mangekyo having 3 advanced techniques.
Tsukuyomi - The power to create an illusionary world in which one second in real time could be stretched to 24 hours, allowing the user to torture the victim for days at a time, in the span of a few moments.
Amaterasu - The power to create black flames which an not be extinguished (by conventional means) and will continue to burn until their victim is completely reduced to ash.
Susanoo - An absolute defense technique, which is supposed to create an indestructible suit of ghostly armor around the user, that is able to attack and defend them.
Okay, all those techniques sound pretty bad ass, no wonder the Uchiha are the most powerful. But wait, it only got more ridiculous from there. You see, it turns out the Mangekyo doesn't have just 3 advanced techniques, oh no, it has an entire fucking plethora of advanced moves!
Kamui - A time space jutsu that allows the user to suck objects and people into another dimension, allowing for such abilities as teleporation, and phasing through attacks.
Kotoamatsukami - A super advanced Genjutsu which allows the user to enter an opponent's mind and control them, except the victim is completely unaware they are being manipulated and believe everything they do is of their own free will.
Izanagi - A technique that allowed the user to transform their body into a living illusion, becoming impervious to injury. In addition, when the user was "killed" this technique allowed them to teleport their body someplace else, completely revived and healed. The downside to this technique is that for every 60 seconds it remained activated, one of the user's mangekyo eyes would close permanently, making it a forbidden technique even among the Uchiha.
Izanami - A technique similar to Izanagi, except it is performed on another target, rather than the user themself. This technique allows the user to trap a victim within a continuous loop of endlessly replaying the same events over and over again within their mind. Their body, trapped in a trance-like state, remains motionless while they watch the same events play out. Just like Izanagi, this technique seals away the use of the Sharingan for the one who performs it.
Be able to control the tailed beasts - It was initially stated that only the first hokage had the ability to control the tailed beasts, and used them to bring peace to the ninja world. Later, it is shown that Mangekyo users such as Madara and Obito had the power to control the Nine Tails, yet this was never mentioned before hand, you would think they might talk about Madara using the fox spirit in a war.
Eternal Sharingan - Originally, it was revealed that upon obtaining the Mangekyo Sharingan, the user was punished by having their eye sight permanently damaged every time they used it, and eventually, they would go blind. There was, however, a way to cheat this curse, which was pulled straight out of Itachi's ass, during his battle with Sasuke after the time skip. If two siblings both possessed the Mangekyo Sharingan, and one of the siblings had the eyes of the other surgically transfered to them, it would prevent the blindness, and somehow grant them eternal life in the process. This allowed them to begin using the Mangekyo Sharingan without fear of damaging their eyes.
These techniques have allowed anyone in the series who has the Sharingan to break themselves out of virtually any trouble they come across, hence my own personal nickname for this technique, the Batman Eyes. It is also displayed that the Mangekyo is apparently different for each person who wields it. Sasuke, Kakashi, Obito, Itachi, Madara, and Danzo all have a different look to their Mangekyo when it is activated. Speaking of which...
HOW THE HELL DID THEY ALL AWAKEN IT!? Didn't you need to kill your best friend to do so? Sasuke simply obtained it after Itachi tapped him on the forehead. Was Itachi is best friend? No he was not, because he spent the last 13 years of his life fanatically trying to hunt down and kill him, you don't get rid of a life time of emotional torment and stress by doing one nostalgic act of brotherly love, you stupid story board writers!
Kakashi just happened to have Mangekyo handy during the rescue Gaara arc with no explanation prior or since. He even says that all his friends died off long ago, so who the hell did he kill?
Danzo and Madara, I can't imagine having any friends, they're both complete pricks. Its been shown in a flash back by now that Itachi's best friend willingly gave him his eye, rather than murdering him as we had been lead to believe.
So we are presented with a theory that the requirement to kill your best friend has either been scrapped, or that what Itachi said to Sasuke before was a lie. If it was a lie, this makes even less sense for him wanting to protect Sasuke, because he basically told him to kill a loved one FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON!
It has finally gotten to a point where I flat out despise the Uchiha clan by default. Nothing is a challenge to them. They have a power to solve any battle, they can't keep their own stories straight, and the Mangekyo still has not been fully explained now with all these people obtaining it in other ways. When I see a character in the series with a Sharingan eye, I immediately hate the character, I don't care who they are, or who's side they're on, the eye is an immediate rage activator for me.
Sakura Haruno, still a worthless bitch: Sakura has had only one single chance in the story to turn her life around and become an important character, the battle against Sasori. Before the time skip, Sakura was complete and absolutely worthless. I am not exaggerating, she seriously played NOTHING of importance to the series. Even during the chuunin exams, her fight with Ino was almost completely censored out by a flash back to when they were kids, and by the time it ended, the match was over in a draw.
During the battle with Sasori, it at first glance might appear that Sakura has matured greatly in her skill and personality, but upon closer inspection, the sad truth is realized. She would have been obliterated half a dozen times in that battle were it not purely because elder Chiyo was literally pulling the strings, controlling her like a living puppet to avoid Sasori's attacks. You don't believe me? Watch what happens after this battle, when she doesn't have an old lady around to guide her fighting, Sakura instantaneously goes back to being the useless, back ground character she was before. Except for one difference, she's a medical ninja now. Good, if you can't fight worth a damn, make sure the people who can are kept in fighting condition, you fail as a ninja, and you fail at life. A little old lady saved your ass, not the other way around.
Not only this, but when she finds out that Sasuke is near, it is HER IDEA to round up a search party to track him down. Half way through the chase, Sakura uses a sleeping gas bomb to knock out her own team which she personally thought of bringing along with her because she says "I need to do this alone!" and then after meeting Sasuke, she pussies out and can't bring herself to fight him. This makes the entire hunting him down scene not only pointless, but she just drugged about 5 other ninjas who could have been off doing more important duties!
Naruto Meeting his Parents: There are two instances in the story in which Naruto comes to the very brink of being completely taken over by the 9 tails. He is saved the first time because his father, the 4th Hokage managed to seal a piece of his soul in with the Kyuubi, which emerged just when the seal was about to break, so he could form it again. I'm sorry, I thought this seal was formed because of the Reaper Death Seal that the 3rd Hokage used on Orochimaru, how the fuck did the 4th Hokage managed to escape being swallowed by the death god? Before the last of his spirit vanished, he warns Naruto this will be the last time he is able to form the seal, hinting that if it happens again, Naruto might be in real trouble. NOPE!
During his training with Killer Bee (who fills me with seething rage every time he speaks), Naruto is once again in danger of being completely possessed by the demon fox, when he is confronted with hallucinations of his past, and being told that nobody wants him, he's about to be overcome by the same anger as younger Gaara, when out of what-the-fuck nowhere, his mom's spirit appears to show him love. Oh yeah, turns out the 4th Hokage also sealed a piece of his mother's soul inside Naruto as well, I guess she didn't feel like showing up the first time. You could argue that it may be because she felt the 4th Hokage could handle things, but that seems like a bitch move. Its your SON, you don't want to talk to him because his father's got it covered? What kind of mother are you!?
Of course, some bull shit about mother's affections manages to help him overcome the fox spirit and gain control over it, ensuring he is in no further danger of being dominated by the fox spirit again.
Evil Villains Foiled by Freindship: Now being a fan of MLP: FIM, this may seem a tad odd. But no, this shit is crossing the line. I speak primarily of the battle with PAIN, also known as Nagato. Pain seems like a certified bad ass when he first shows off his techniques. He completely obliterates the hidden leaf village, kills a tremendous amount of hidden leaf ninja including Kakashi, and some of the parents for the main characters. He even manages to hold his own against Naruto with 8 out of 9 tails activated, and create a miniature moon out of the environment with a gravity well to seal him in. Naruto arrives on Pain's secret hiding spot, and after giving one hell of a friendship speech about seeking the answer to world peace, what does Nagato do?
He decides to have faith in Naruto and uses his last breath to pull a Shenron and revive every person who was killed by Cell, er, Pain in the hidden leaf village.
Another example of this is the supposedly elite assassin known as Sai, who was raised since childhood to be an emotionless killer for the Root organization. It is established early that his goal is to assassinate Sasuke, which he has a clear shot at doing when he gets the drop on him while he's sleeping. However, he decides for the first time in his life to defy orders because he's curious as to why Naruto and Sakura regard Sasuke as a friend. So great, this "emotionless" killer who was trained since childhood has out of nowhere, suddenly had a change of heart, and decided to explore the mysteries of friendship, defying his orders, his upbringing, and his entire character concept in the process.
Emo Back Stories: Everyone... everyone... fucking.... everyone in Naruto has an emo back story filled with tragedy, emotional scarring, or a desire for some greater dreams fulfilled.
Haku comes from a land where blood limits are hated and feared, his own father killed his mother when he found out, and out of fear for his life, Haku accidentally killed his own father, and a group of villagers before he was taken in by Zabuza and dedicated his life to being his servant, on a level that was borderline pedophilia.
Sasuke watched his entire family killed before his eyes by his own brother, leaving him orphaned and alone, he became consumed with hatred and a desire for revenge against his brother, which eventually turned to hatred for the Hidden Leaf.
Naruto was hated and feared by adults who knew he had the demon fox inside him, but mistook him for actually being the demon fox in human form. Children avoided him because their parents forced them to. He wallowed in loneliness and dedicated himself to becoming Hokage in an effort to earn their respect.
Gaara was in the same boat as Naruto, being hated and feared because of the demon raccoon stored inside him. The sand demon automatically protected him from all danger and would sometimes attack people around him if it perceived them as a threat. Gaara tried his best to make friends and help people, even offering a girl he attacked free medicine, but she slammed the door in his face. His own father, the Kazekage sent many assassins after him, one of which was Gaara's own uncle, who was raising and caring for him since his birth killed his mother. When Gaara managed to fend him off and discover the assassin's identity, he revealed to him that he never truly loved Gaara, and tried to take him out with a suicide bomb. This is the last straw that caused Gaara to snap and fully embrace his demonic power, forsaking all love and living only for himself.
Rock Lee is a ninja who is completely unable to use Ninjutsu or Genjutsu, so he focuses all his training in taijutsu in an effort to desperately prove he can be just as great a ninja as any other. Despite pushing his body to super human perfection, he is still unable to defeat Neji Hyuuga, and is almost crippled for life by Gaara in battle, where a life risking surgery is his only shot at a cure. After much deliberation, he finally agrees to take it, repairing his body and allowing him to fight again.
Neji Huuga is a branch family member, and therefor a slave to the Hyuuga clan. Despite the fact he is one of the strongest family members produced so far, his forehead was branded with a cursed seal that allows the head family to kill him by telepathically disintegrating his brain, it also allows them to sense his thoughts and emotions, making any attempt to rebel against them impossible. This enforces him with a strict belief in destiny and fate, which is eventually broken when Naruto shows even a drop out can defeat a prodigy child with enough training and effort.
Hinata Hyuuga is a head family member of the Hyuuga clan, and is thus supposed to be its strongest member, despite the fact she is effortlessly defeated by Neji during the chuunin exams. She is easily intimidated and lacks self confidence, and every attempt to make her father proud usually falls short because of her weaknesses.
Danzo is a villain who starts off looking like an evil, sinister ass hole and uses mind control techniques to force the village to elect him Hokage, and almost succeeds in tricking the other Kage into making him the leader of their army. Before he is killed by Sasuke, he reveals in a flash back that he just wanted to be respected and metaphorically live in the sunlight, like the Kage who represents the top of the tree, instead of being confined in the darkness, like the roots underground. Fuck you, Danzo, you don't earn respect or admiration by enslaving people's minds. You don't want to live in the darkness? Here's an idea, DISBAND ROOT, reform it into a non covert ops. program, hell of a lot less complicated than starting a world war.
Pain / Nagato was a student of Jiraiya who sought to bring peace to the world after watching his parents be killed by enemy ninjas during the last great ninja war. Over time, he was subjected to one traumatic encounter after another and gradually lost faith in the prospect of peace through negotiation, and instead saw to bring it through pain and suffering, believing that people could only understand one another when they shared the same suffering as each other.
Kimimaro comes from a clan of warrior ninja who were so blood thirsty, they waged war on their own village when they signed a peace treaty, and resulted in driving themselves to extinction, with Kimimaro being the only known survivor. Possessing the bone manipulation technique, which was an extremely rare blood limit among his clan, he was locked in a dungeon throughout his childhood and only brought out to do battle before being locked away again. Rescued by orochimaru, he became completely dedicated to him, and would have allowed him to possess his body, but he contracted a terminal illness and was placed on life support. When he was finally released to bring Sasuke back, he managed to defeat Naruto, Lee, and Gaara one after the other, before he finally dies from his illness.
The list doesn't end there, it goes on for a loooooooong while, but that would include listing almost the whole character roster for this series.
I would like to say that they establish early on in the series that the number one rule about being a ninja is to suppress your emotions. You can not allow yourself to become angry or sad, and yet everyone in this series constantly breaks this law just before they die, or when in a critical point in the story. You are fucking NINJA, you are supposed to be assassins, and stealthy agents, you are not supposed to be whiny, emotional cry babies. Whaaah, you had a bad childhood? You have the power to walk on water and part seas with a few hand gestures, go scare the heck out of some Christians and laugh it off. Suck it up, you little bitches.
Tobi is Obito: If I revealed any spoilers for you, I don't care, this is bull shit. This is complete, absolute bull shit, I refuse to accept that Obito is Tobi. They have the same hair, their names are mixed around, but I. Do. Not. Care!
Obito was a member of the Uchiha clan who, along with Kakashi and Rin, was trained by the 4th Hokage as genin. Obito was much like Naruto, a screw up ninja who could barely do anything right. During his last mission, Obito finally awakened an incomplete version of the Sharingan, but shortly after, he was crushed to death on one side of his body with a boulder, offering his right eye to Kakashi as a gift before he died.
How, I ask you, does a 12 year old boy manage to escape being crushed to death by a boulder? There is no way he could have used Kamui to phase through the rock, he had just awakened Sharingan , and if the killing your best friend thing isn't true, its at least confirmed you need to complete Sharingan first (3 colon marks) before you can achieve Mangekyo, Obito only had 2 marks at the time. Additionally, his Kamui is a heavy strain on his chakra, and can only be maintained for a few moments at a time, and he was under the boulder for a good, long while, it would have worn off by then.
I've heard someone suggest that Zetsu could have healed him, but I find that hard to believe. It looks as though Zetsu was created by Obito through some kind of genetic experimentation. In addition, how / when / why did Zetu and Obito form a partner ship at that young of an age. Obito was, as I mentioned before, a failure drop out of a ninja, it is highly unlikely he would have regarded the boy as anything worthy of saving, if Zetsu even existed at this point in the story.
Last of all, Kakashi had achieved the rank of Jonin at this point in the story, and his teacher was the 4th hokage. You don't think that either one of these elite class ninja would have been able to sense that something was off with Obito, if he were still alive? The 4th Hokage was a grand master of space time jutsu, I'm sure he could have sensed if Obito was using one, and Rin was training to be a medical ninja, so searching for life signs would have been a top priority for her when she was extracting his eye ball to transplant into Kakashi!
There is absolutely no feasible explanation for how or why Obito would have survived that encounter. The creator only decided to bring back a flash back character because fuck if I know. He's gotten so lazy with his writing, he just doesn't care anymore.
In closing, this is why I now hate the Naruto series. Every character is full of angst, the story can't keep itself straight as its littered with plot holes and inconsistencies, the Uchiha have become a "Fuck you!" clan, and it takes every opportunity it can to jackhammer the importance of friendship into your skull.