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In the night, I felt two warm bodies lay against me. I could hear Sasha's soft snoring against my chest, and I could feel Anechka's paws on my back like ice. It made me smile to myself as I thought about the coming dawn. Something about Anya's father... something about my own father. Something about me, Fyedka, and Sasha.

Why couldn't we all be our fathers? Strong, powerful, fearless. They were all courageous, protecting... and I was weak. Anechka was weak. She ran. Anya ran. I hid. I hid and watched wolves die. That was me, Avram, hahaha. Fuck it, I thought. I was giddy, wasn't I? Giddy and stupid as ever, coasting along, my tail tucked permanently between my legs. What was a wolf? That's what I was supposed to be. A wolf. It's what my father was. It's what Anya's father was. It's what Anechka's father was. It's what Anya's father was. So what were we? Birds?

No, I decided, lying under the trees that night. There was a hurt cub pressing himself against my chest. There was a worried wolfess trying not to cry in her sleep. Because of me. Sasha needed me, and so did Anechka and... I shook my head. I was so sick of hiding and crying and bad dreams and bad memories. Anya's father was a wolf. I was a wolf.

One of my paws rubbed the space between Sasha's ears. It followed a trail down his face and neck. One long claw mark. It was amazing he hadn't bled out before Anechka found him... I thought about who put them there. After seeing Rifka's death, I had a pretty good idea. I wasn't angry, though. Not in the sense that rage filled me. So many times in my life, I had felt pain, or fear, or anger. But that night, holding that boy in my arms like he was my son, Anechka's paws draped over me like my mate's... I felt what I could only imagine as my father's feelings when he comforted me after I tripped and hurt myself. Or what my mother felt when I was worried about finding a mate growing up.

It was a sort of weird love. A sort of devoted feeling. It calmed me. Made me whole. It was as if, my entire life, I was waiting purely to feel this feeling, and suddenly...

I was unafraid. I felt at peace. My eyes closed, and I slept hard. I didn't dream. It was like a black heaven, and when I woke, my lips hurt from the smiling.

The bright morning sun broke through the trees, and the world inhaled, the scent of dawn lifting off the grass. I sat up and rubbed my head, feeling the grooves behind my ears and scratching the fur lightly with blunt claws. Sasha wasn't up. Neither was Anechka. I thought about leaving again, before they got up and saw me. But the way Anechka asked me not to... I couldn't do it. So I sat, watching the sun rise, and thinking about what I'd say to Fyedka when I saw him. I thought about asking him why, about asking what he thought he was doing. About asking him if it was worth it, to see me driven off and Rifka dead. I wondered, though, if I really didn't know the answers myself. Still, the question kinda probed at the back of my mind.I thought that maybe I'd ask him when I saw him.

And then I thought like the old me for a bit. I thought I'd cut him. Push him up against a wall, ask what he did to Sasha, then tear his throat out. He did force himself on me. He did dominate me. He did screw me like an insolent bitch, and the only thing I did was weakly bat a paw at him. And I burned for that. No, if I came to blows, I would lose. Fyedka was simply the stronger wolf. I played with the thought, though. Toyed with making him pay for me and Sasha and Rifka. It did give me some sort of sick pleasure imagining his blood dripping down my throat, flooding my mouth, spilling out around my fangs.

Sasha yawned. Anechka stretched. I leaned down and gave each of them an affectionate lick on the muzzle. Then I stood up, and walked away.

Morning had broken.

I could still see my pawprints in the dirt from the day before, scattered and hurrying, shuffling like I was running from something. I followed them, let them lead me to the old tree I hid behind not only a day before. My father wasn't there anymore, by the tree or in my ear, whispering courage. It was me now. vust me. I leaned against the tree on one elbow, looking at the cave. The sun rose over it like God himself and I could hear birds chirping.

And it struck me as odd. Everything was as if I was dreaming. Not one thing was unsound or harsh. Everything was serene and still. I thought for a moment, but shook my head. I wanted closure. That's what it was. Just about time I ended this life, so I could get back to my new one. I strode toward the cave my father found, stepping lightly, the sun rising in front of me, and the woods whispering behind. I approached, and everything drew quiet.

So quiet. That instant before everything happened. Like a still pond. Like new snow. So quiet.

He emerged from the cave, black as midnight against the morning sky, one paw hanging at his side, the other holding his shoulder. He looked up expectantly, and then he looked at me, and his eyes widened, pried open by utter shock. I felt a bolt of fear stab through me, but my fists clenched, and I stood my ground.

"A... Av--" Fyedka managed to say.

I wasted no time. Quick as a breath I was at his throat, pinning my former friend by his neck against the outer wall of the cave. He made a strangled wheezing sound and fought to push me away with his paws. But I would not be denied.

"Yeah. Me. Avram." I couldn't tell how I sounded. I could barely even tell how I looked. The expression on my face must have frightened him, because he stopped fighting and turned away, gasping for air and weakly pushing on my chest with one paw.

"Wh... what the... are you doing here..." Fyedka grimaced and managed to shove my arm off a little, taking a deep breath before my paw wrapped itself around his neck.

"What am I doing here?" I squeezed his neck, feeling the hot pressure on my back like the night I was burned. "What the fuck do you THINK? I'm here because Ivan died. I'm here because YOU raped me! I'm hear because Rifka was murdered, and I'm here because Sasha was hurt!" I shook him a little, baring my teeth and growling. "I'm here because I'm the goddamn son of Lazar the White. That's why."

Fyedka seemed to regain his strength, and he pushed me away with a strong shove to my chest. I stumbled back and he stood, gripping his throat and coughing a little bit. "I thought you were dead. I thought I... I..." He shook his head and I could see his ears flatten. In... shame?

I caught myself and cocked my paw back. I could feel my eyes watering up and I threw my fist out. It slammed him in the muzzle, and he sank to his knees, his head ratcheting back and a little blood flying from his nose. He groaned, and shivered in pain, silently looking up at me and spitting a bloody fang onto the grass.

"I can't believe you're alive." His muzzle whispered, even as red blood formed in pools at the corners of his mouth.

"... Why?" My voice broke, and I suddenly stopped feeling numb.

"I dunno." He shook his head. Fyedka's black ears were pressing against his head now like a cub who'd been caught playing where he shouldn't.

"You don't know? You honestly don't know??" I barked, my voice almost horse. What the hell was he playing at?! "Fyedka, what did you DO to me?!"

Fyedka stood, his tail tucked, his ears flat. He stood and he moved to me, and wrapped his paws around me, resting his head on my shoulder. I could hear him fight back an outright sob, and I shook, partly with anger, partly with... fear. Not the fear I was used to. A different kind.

His voice was soft and low. Almost pitiable. "Avram, I'm so sorry. I was going to... afterward, I was going to say I was sorry. I was going to run away, and then you wouldn't have to worry, but... And then I pushed you. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry."

I quivered still, part of me wanting to rip him in half, part of me wanting to leave. Instead, I whispered back. "What was all that for? I thought I was your friend."

"Y-you... you were. You are."

I pushed him away, holding him at arms length. "But what about Rifka? It wasn't me only. Why her?"

He cluched his paws against his chest and kept his gaze at my footpaws. "How do you know about that? I... She attacked me."

"I saw."

Fyedka looked up into my eyes, a look of panic etched into his face. "Did you hear...?"

My ears cocked. "Yeah. I heard."

Fyedka seemed to shrink with shame. His knees bent and he shook, looking sick and beaten. "Oh God." He whispered to the floor.

"And Sasha?" My voice was irritated now, and I could feel it in my veins. Sasha. The real reason I was here. "What did you do to him, Fyedka? Why did you cut him up so bad?"

His gaze flicked up, and suddenly, he was inches away from my muzzle, his eyes hurt and angry. "I didn't lay ONE PAW on him! I don't know what you've heard, but he's my SON. I would NEVER touch him."

I gritted my teeth. "Just like you'd never touch me?"

"You shut up!" He growled, the hurt note in his voice almost cracking. "I... I didn't touch one hair on Sasha's head."

"And why shouldn't you?" I shot back. "Why couldn't you have clawed up Sasha? You got me and Rifka real good."

Fyedka's voice was low and fierce. "Because I love Sasha. Because I loved YOU."

... Wait a second, my mind thought. "... What?"

"You want to know who cut Sasha up so bad? You want to know who gave him that cut on his muzzle? You should know, alpha. You had the same handiwork done on you every night of your miserable mateship."

I touched my face. Oh. "I... wait."

"It was either Rifka or me. Sasha saw us mating one night. He didn't understand, and she hit him. She hit him a lot." He choked a little bit, and I saw a few tears well up in his eyes.

"Fyedka, if you're lying to me..."

"You know I wouldn't hurt Sasha. You know I wouldn't hurt you. But Rifka... I'm sorry about Rifka."

I shook my head. This was suddenly very overwhelming. "So why did you do it? That night, when I... left." I looked at him with genuine concern, and found he couldn't meet my gaze.

"Avram.... can I tell you a story?"

I sat on the floor, and Fyedka leaned against a wall, and we sat silent a long time, each of us shivering in our respective versions of anticipation. I felt so sick to my stomach, but the thought of Sasha kept the light I had found alive. Eventually, Fyedka spoke, and as he did, I could feel my own tears drip onto the ground.

"Imagine a wolf, barely even a puppy, growing up in a pack in a forest. His father and his mother fight all the time, and he barely even gets any sleep because his brothers and his sisters sometimes get up at all hours to go into the forest. He wonders where they go, and eventually, they stop coming back. And say his father and mother fight so often, his mother leaves. His father doesn't seem to care about anything anymore, and it makes the wolf sad. It feels like all light around the wolf had gone out forever, and now he has to sit alone in the dark, crying for his mother.

Imagine then, that he grows up a little bit, and another wolf comes along, and offers him his paw. It's like the world lights up again, and he can see and hear and smell everything that he was missing. The wolf is a little smaller than him, and sometimes, he has to protect his new friend, but that's alright, because the friend means everything to him. He admires the wolf's happy smile, and his kind soul. As they play, he starts to like other things about his friend, like the shape of his ears, and how his teeth look when he smiles in the sunlight, and the way his fur sticks to his legs when he's wet. Being around his friend makes him laugh and smile, even when he's having a bad day.

But soon, he starts having strange thoughts. The older wolves start talking to him about mating and how two wolves can love eachother. The wolf's friend starts talking about females and the way they look and talk and move, and even though the wolf tries, he can't think about anything other than his friend. He starts to like the way his friend walks, the way his tail wags when he's happy, and how he smells a little like summer. Soon he starts having dreams. In the dreams, his friend is with him, and they're walking alone in a forest, when his friend suddenly turns and presses his muzzle against the wolf's, and then poof. He wakes up in a cold sweat. But he's not afraid of the dream. He's afraid of what the dream means. He tells his father, and his father tells him never to speak of it again. So he lives for years, with his friend, talking about girls and what he would do if he had a mate, and how he wanted to be the father of many children one day. All the while, he sees his friend as his only light in his world, his only salvation.

But inside, he's being eaten up. He wants to tell his friend about the dreams but he can't. The friend of his is the son of a very powerful wolf, and though the friend's father is very kind, he doesn't know if he would understand. His friend's father might hurt him, or tell him he's sick or wrong or disgusting. The wolf doesn't even know if his friend will understand, and slowly, his dreams become more vivid, more wild. Soon, his friend is stroking him, petting him. His friend is sniffing his neck, pawing at his sheath."

Fyedka blushed.

"He can imagine his friend taking him, mating him, and it feels so good. But every time he wakes up, it's like being forced into a river and held under. Time passes, and even though his friend doesn't know it, the wolf is always thinking about him, protecting and watching over him. It's the closest thing the wolf has to sharing his dreams with his friend, and as they grow up, his friend takes on a mate. The wolf too, takes on a mate, but he finds the relationship hollow, in some way. He dearly loved his mate, but there wasn't a bond between them. Before his mate dies, she gives him one son to care for and look after. In some ways, his son almost replaces his friend, but in very short time, he starts noticing changes in his friend. He's colder now, and more afraid. His once courageous form is bent by hunger and cowardice, and the wolf feels it is almost his fault. His friend's mate is cruel and harsh, and it takes everything the wolf has not to kill her for every snide remark and every little scratch on his friend's proud muzzle."

Fyedka sighed. "And then one day, disaster strikes, and his friend does something that, to the rest of the pack, is unforgiveable. They all turn to the wolf, because he is big and powerful, and tell him to go to his friend, and bring him before the rest of his pack. They tell him to dominate him, to make him submit. They tell him to mate him like you would a female, and teach him humility. They say they want to watch. Watch and laugh."

My friend shudderd and groaned, trying hard not to vomit or sob from the shame of his memories.

"He... he does. Not because he feels his friend deserves it, but because he so badly wants to be with him. The wolf pleasures himself on his friend, and it feels... empty. It's better than anything he ever did with his mate, but knowing he was hurting his best friend makes the wolf ache inside. He wants to hide from the pack, and from his friend. He wants to take his friend and his son and leave forever. He wants to die alone, he wants to say he was sorry. But he can't because when he's finished, his friend is too hurt to move, and dies. His friend dies because of him."

"Fyedka..." I said.

"I thought about killing myself a lot. But... I had to look after Sasha. And Rifka." His voice trailed off.

"I'm sorry."

"Avram, I wanted to tell you for so long. I wanted to lie with you, feel your paws on my chest, your breath on my neck. I wanted you to take me like the proud alpha you are and make me yours, but... I never could. I never thought you'd feel the same way about me."

I shook my head.

"Was it too foolish to think I could live forever as your friend?" Fyedka continued. " That I could be your protector and keep you safe. You were so strong and brave around me, I could hardly believe it when you mated Rifka. It was almost like you became a different person."

"I... I don't know."

"I don't know... either. I love you, Avram." A sob broke through, and Fyedka curled up in shame. "Avram, I always have. I always will."

"Fyedka...?"

"... Yes?"

"Get out of my sight."