Searching
Warning! Read this first:
Don't know why I need to warn you. If anything, this is yiffstar, you shouldn't be here if you're under the legal limit. If you don't like near-death and/or death, don't read this, though it shouldn't be much of a problem otherwise. This has no yiff in it.
Author's Note:
I made this on a whim. It has actually got many similarities to experiences that many, including myself, have gone through. All the names and characters are fictional, with the help of my friend, Foshu, in the creation of them.
--
"Would you be a jumper?"
"A jumper," I asked? I looked over at the coyote.
He nodded. "Yes. A jumper, Dustin. If everything went wrong one day, would you be one?"
I shook my head. "I don't think I'd actually go that far. I don't think I know many others that would. Why do you ask?"
He looked at me seriously for a moment, and then smiled. I was a bit relieved to see the smile, but concerned at the question. Why would he ask me such a thing? He laughed a little and said, "Someone asked me yesterday. I said no, of course, but that's what it was. I just wanted to see what you would say."
I nodded slowly. Slowly I reached for the cup in front of me, and took a sip of it once I had it. The coffee had gone cold over time, but it still tasted okay. I looked up at Jason and asked, "Who asked you?"
Jason smiled and responded, "Don't worry about it, wolfy. I think it was for a class or something stupid like that. Anyway, I'm going to go pay the bill."
A sigh escaped my maw. "Alright." I watched him get up casually, walk over to the cashier, and reach for his wallet in his back pocket. I began to smile then, and I tried to remember how it came to be like this.
--
I know it was a day like this; bright, sunny, the wind blowing ever so softly. I was at a park after having written plenty of furs different messages through my laptop, one of them saying where I was. I was working on an essay, then.
Then my phone began to ring, and I answered it slowly. The ID said Jason, so I answered it accordingly. "Hi Jason," I had said. There was no response, though, so I continued pressing the greeting, as if he had not heard it. "Hello?" was what I would say.
I didn't even notice him when he came up from behind and hugged me. At first, I thought I was being mugged or something. Then he said in my ear, "I found you."
I stopped struggling and turned around. I don't even remember standing. He held me there for a moment until I stopped breathing hard. I know now that I had been blushing the whole time, but back then I couldn't feel it. My whole body was numb. My mind was swimming in the shallow end, flailing around, and yet I couldn't hear a thing.
Then he whispered things in my ear, though soft, I heard them as loud as an orchestra, as sweet as a soothing melody. "I told you I'd find you one of these days, and here I am, and here you are, in my arms. I don't want this to end or to be so rare."
I gulped audibly at that point, so much so that it broke my silence. I tried to find words, but I couldn't, and the only things I could say were partially completed and made no sense at all. He moved back a bit and I could see him, staring intently at me, so much light in his eyes. An intense heat moved in my chest throughout my body, and my knees felt weak. My mouth felt dry and my palms began to sweat and shiver. I can only guess he felt it, since my knees gave out, and he was ready to catch me.
I couldn't really make any words at that point, so I laughed a little. He held me closely again and began to whisper in my ears once more. He said, "Do you remember what you first said when we first spoke to each other?" All I could do was shake my head. In truth, I couldn't even remember my name at that point.
He nibbled at my ear, making me wave my tail behind me. He answered for me, "You told me that you were searching for someone. Someone to make you happy, to hold you, to be there for you."
My ears folded at that point and my mind blanked out. My heart began to pace and my breathing came more quickly and roughly. I could hear my own pulse which quickened with each passing second, and all I could say was "searching...."
I felt his head nod. He rubbed his face against mine and said, "Not anymore."
I suppose that's how it started. I remember it like it was yesterday. We've been inseparable ever since that day. There was always opposition from other furries that thought gay guys are bad, but we ignored it, because we had each other.
I feel so lucky. All my life I've been worried that I couldn't find anyone because I was either too short or too skinny, unlike most of the other wolves out there. I always thought that it was better to be big and buff, since that was what everyone wanted, as far as I saw.
Jason, however, chose me. Furs were always after him. He's always going to parties and meeting furs, and he's got plenty of friends. There's always furs chasing after him....
--
He gestured for me to come along. I finished up the rest of my coffee and threw away the cup. We headed out and started toward the house. I smiled as I watched him walk in front of me, his tail waving back and forth, his posture exemplifying strength to its fullest, though he was ever so gentle. Lots of furs gave us dirty looks as we walked by, but I was fine with it. They could think what they wanted to think. I have Jason, so I'm happy.
The house drew near. I had rented it out from the owners a few years back. There was something wrong with it, but no one really knew what, so the price was heavily reduced. Jason lived somewhere else, but he came over to visit every day.
I heard a humming sound, as I do from time to time, and said, "Your phone is ringing."
I watched him dig his phone out of his pocket and answer it. He stopped walking, so I stopped as well, and looked around. I didn't really want to listen to the conversation, it just seemed rude. If he wanted me to know what it was about, he could tell me after. A few minutes passed as I watched the cars go by.
After I heard the phone call end, I turned back to face Jason. He stood there for a moment, and then smiled at me. I smiled back, but he said, "I'll be by later tonight. I've got to go for right now, okay?" He hugged me as I nodded, and then walked in the opposite direction.
I sat in my room after arriving there, humming simple tunes to myself. I looked over at the mirror and stood up. I stared at myself, trailing the brown eyes to my grey fur. I sighed and poked my stomach, rubbed it a moment, and wished I was taller. I rubbed my cheeks and made my face look odd, then let go and it returned to normal.
I picked up a picture that was taken of us. There I saw his light-tan fur intermingled with mine while we hugged and posed. His orange eyes always peaked my interest, they were so fierce, so full of fire. I could see the glint in them even through the picture.
I went back to the bed and laid down, waiting for my coyote to come back. When he had to do things, he had to do things. I yawned and felt suddenly so tired, so I closed my eyes for a bit, and couldn't open them back up. I laid there and began to breathe heavily, snoring softly, and that was what I remembered until I woke back up.
When I opened my eyes, I felt something warm behind me. I turned in bed and smiled when I saw Jason. He was sleeping silently so I didn't say anything. I put my arm around him and held him closely. Even then so, he was a light sleeper, so his eyes opened slowy. I licked his lips, and he kissed me, which I returned.
I whispered softly, "I love you, Jason." He smiled when I said this and kissed me again, holding me in his arms ever so closely. The feel of his warmth made me sleepy, knowing he was next to me made me comfortable. My eyelids closed, and my breathing became heavy.
Jason sighed in my ear. "I love you too, Dustin." With that, I fell asleep.
--
I woke up the next morning finding Jason sitting on the bed, holding the picture, staring at it. I got up slowly and looked at him and smiled.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw that he was crying.
Before I could say anything, he choked a sob and said, "Remember when I told you that someone asked me a couple days ago if I would be a jumper?"
I nodded slowly, my heart sinking, but since he wasn't looking over at me, I whispered, "Yes."
He held the picture tightly in his paws. "I thought it was for school. I was so stupid!" He punched the bed. Though it did nothing, I knew he was angry, as he gets from time to time. "I found out why she asked me that yesterday. They found her yesterday on the ground with a shattered pelvis. Both of her legs were broken. She had a concussion."
I didn't know anything else to say other than, "Who?"
He looked over at me and said, "Joyce. She jumped, but lucky hit a tree and survived."
I shook my head. Disbelief flooded my mind. Joyce was a squirrel that we had known from college who still went to college. She was always happy and energetic, getting to know everyone at least a little, always doing what she wanted to. She always seemed like the happiest fur in the world.
Before I could think of anything to say, Jason put the picture face down on the bed and said, "I have to be with her, Dustin. I could've stopped her, but I didn't. I didn't even know until she told me yesterday.... Apparently she had always been in love with me, but now she's finally had enough. We're lucky she's even alive."
As soon as I heard those words, my mind froze. I could only gape for the moment until I finally could comprehend the situation. Tears began to well in my eyes, and I dreaded what was to come. A jagged pain in my chest brought words to my mouth, but I swallowed them down. I looked at the picture frame, and while the tears were still in my eyes, I didn't cry for several minutes.
After much thought, I choked out, "Do... do you have to?"
Jason nodded. I finally let down a few tears and said, "Do what'll make you happy...."
I laid back down and put my palms on my eyes. I tried not to think, because thinking only betrayed me with thoughts that only hurt. Jason put his paw on my chest and said, "We'll still get to see each other around. This... this is just something I have to do, wolfy."
I couldn't speak. I sobbed a little, but I didn't speak. I gritted my teeth and tried not to cry. I kept my eyes closed and laid on my stomach, soaking my pillow with the tears I didn't want to come. I heard Jason leave, and I couldn't hold it back. I cried heavily into the pillow until I was asleep once more.
When I woke up, I wanted to believe it was just a dream. I looked around and everything was the same, as always, except that the picture frame was on the bed. I got up and put on fresh clothes, and then walked to the picture frame, took the picture out, and pocketed it. I went back to the mirror, and cried a little more.
I felt numb after the last tear. I couldn't think, I couldn't act, I could hardly answer any questions. Days went by and all I could say were yes's and no's. I hadn't seen Jason again, and I heard he has been at the hospital all day each day. The picture now resides in my wallet, where it doesn't move and can't be seen.
Five days went by and I finally saw Jason. He knocked at my door and gave me a hug. It felt nice being held by him again, but I knew it wasn't going to last long. As that thought passed by, he let go and said, "She's doing better now. It'll still be a long while until she recovers, but until then she's going to be in a wheelchair. But she's happy again. Same old cheerful Joyce. She doesn't even remember jumping. She fell asleep after she spoke to me at the hospital. She woke up earlier today, so the doctors are checking on her right now."
I nodded slowly and stared at his feet. I couldn't think of any words to say. I could feel my ears fold back, my tail drooped, my paws searched for my pockets. I heard Jason begin to speak.
"I'm sorry, Dustin. I really am. I want you to be happy, but Joyce needs me right now. One day you'll just forget about me and move on, okay?" I put a paw on my shoulder. The familiar warmth calmed me down slightly, but it was all he could do. "I know it's kind of early, but... Joyce wants to get married, so we've set that up in a few months. I want you to come...."
My chest ached for a moment, but it faded. "If you want me to, Jason," was all I could tell him. In all honesty, I didn't want to go, but it was his moment of happiness, and I wanted him to be happy. So all I could do was agree....
--
Four months had passed since then. Work started up, and I didn't see much of anyone anymore. I was sent to a psychiatrist, who gave me antidepressants, but they're depressing enough. I can't think anymore, I can hardly speak.
And it's his wedding tomorrow.
I called in a friend to help me get myself ready. All I would do is sit there, after all. When Jason asked me to be the best man, I told him the truth... that I didn't think I'd be able to handle it.
He came over to visit every so often. I would sit there silently, and he'd bring along Joyce. She always wondered why I was so quiet, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. It was, though, a little comforting knowing Jason was still around, and that I could see him every so often, even if I couldn't be close to him anymore.
The wedding came up quickly. I sat there, in a chair, next to a few of his relatives. They looked at me kind of oddly, but it didn't matter anymore. I could finally look at Jason without staring at his feet, and it almost felt soothing to see him, though it also felt just as painful that I couldn't be next to him.
They said their vows. They wrote their names. They sealed it with a kiss.
It was then that I felt tears start to roll down my face and soak into my fur. I looked at the floor and stared at it, the tears continuing to flow. The fur next to me, who I assumed to be his aunt, nudge me in the side and said between sobs, "Aren't weddings beautiful?" I could only just nod. Beautiful, maybe. But it wasn't why I cried, but I didn't want to tell her that.
After the wedding, Jason pulled me aside. I looked at him, and he brushed a tear away from my soaked fur. It couldn't hold anymore tears, apparently. He looked at me with a sad face and said, "Thanks for coming, Dustin. It means the world to me." He pulled me close for a hug and began to whisper. "We're going to move. Joyce didn't want to stay around this place because she began to remember her jumping off that building. We're going to go west."
I felt a familiar sinking feeling in my heart. I bit my lip. I moved back a little. He stared at me with those same orange eyes, except without the fire. "We'll be back from time to time, but we're going to be moving in a few days. There's a going away party in two days, and I want you to come to that. I know it's asking a lot, but it'd mean a lot to me...."
I went back to staring at his feet. "If you want me to, I'll go, Jason." I figured it would be the last time I'd see him for a long while. I'd rather say goodbye than not at all. Jason gave me another hug and walked away. I watched the squirrel and coyote go into the car and leave, which meant it was time for everyone else to go.
I stayed in my house for a while. I kept trying to think of something to say to Jason as a goodbye, but I couldn't think of anything. Time slipped away so quickly, I didn't even notice it. I needed a shower, was what I kept thinking, so I took one.
In the shower, I couldn't think of anything, either. All I could do was keep crying, my tears mixing with the water, going down the drain.
The party came way too soon. Before I knew it, I was on a roof at night, with lights all around. We couldn't see any stars that night.
I took a few antidepressants when I needed to, and Jason noticed it for the first time. He immediately inquired on what they were, and I told him. He asked me how long I had been taking them, and I told him. He hugged me so closely, so tightly, I never wanted it to end. In that single moment of being in his arms, I felt happy again, or it might've been the medication. But when he went back to doing whatever he was doing, it faded again.
I watched him be happy, and it was all I could do to smile and encourage his well being. I wanted him to be happy, so much more than my own happiness.
Words of encouragement, hope, and even concern were traded between the two of us that night. He said he would be back, so I trusted that he would.
When everything was said and done, I sat there on the ledge, and looked at the cars. There were so many so late at night. Everyone was gone now, and I was going to leave when I worked up the need to. I looked at the bottle of antidepressants and held it loosely.
I remembered something from before, and I slowly whispered in the wind. "Would I be a jumper... huh?"
Up until that point I believed I wouldn't be. But now it was different. Jason was my everything, and now he wasn't. He was gone, with someone else. He was happy, though, and that's what mattered. I didn't have anything left worth holding onto, anymore. The medicine didn't feel like it was working.
I let the bottle go, and in my eyes, they fell in slow motion. The little orange bottle spun and tumbled down, the white cap making sort of a trail through the night. I heard it fall on the cement when it finally did, in what seemed like ages later, and all the pills spilled out.
I pulled out my wallet and took out the picture. I hadn't looked at it for a long while. Months, it seemed. I trailed my finger along, looking out our happy faces when we were so close. Those eyes of his that pulled me in, the fire that lit them up so much. I wanted to be with him again, because I had been searching for someone to hold and be with. I was searching for someone to love and love me back, and when I thought I found him... he left.
I put the picture back in my wallet and pocketed it. I looked up at the sky, not a single star. The moon was waning, a crescent. I sighed softly, tears beginning to well back up. I put my waist against the ledge. I rested my paws on it, folded my ears, and lowered my tail. I sobbed softly, and then I was silent. Everything was silent. I couldn't hear the cars, I couldn't hear the wind.
I began to lean forward, my breath coming in deep, heavy sighs. My heart ached. I leaned forward slightly more, and I repeated to myself, "Would I really be a jumper...?"
My mind decided. I fully put my weight forward, blacked out, and fell.
--
When I came to, I was still on the roof. Only a minute or two seemed to have passed. I remembered falling, but here I was, on the roof. The moon looked the same.
I felt something warm. It felt soothing. Looked around, but there was nothing. I got up, and then I noticed a husky lying on the roof where I was lying. He panted softly and smiled at me. I didn't recognize him at all.
He began to speak, and the sound of his voice made my heart quiver. He said, "I've been searching.... Searching for someone that needs me. I've been looking for someone to hold and to call my own. And when you were about to jump, I pulled you back."
I sat down and shook my head slowly. "Why? Why save me?"
The husky simply smiled. "Because when I saw you, before you were even near the ledge, I believed I had found the one I have been searching for."
He walked over and picked me up with a strength I didn't think he had, and took me to an apartment inside. It looked like it was where he lived. He set me on the couch and then crouched down. He stared at me with his intense blue eyes, so light and dark, almost as if I were looking into the ocean and sky. It was at that point when I knew I was blushing.
He moved closer and nibbled at my ear and whispered, "I've found what I've been searching for, without a doubt."
He propped me up and held me in his arms. I thought of Jason, and realized it didn't hurt anymore. We could both be happy now. I slowly spoke, "My name is Dustin...."
The husky smiled and rubbed his face against mine. "Nice to meet you, Dustin. I'm Gideon. And if you don't mind, I want you to be mine."
I blinked slowly, without words. Doubt filled his face for a moment, but I said, "Then I'll be yours, but isn't this going a little quickly?"
He laughed, and then gave a mock expression, "What, don't you like me?"
I shook my head, "No, I like you just fine, but I mean, we've just met...."
He smiled and drew me in and kissed me deeply. I closed my eyes and folded my ears back, my paws roamed to his back, feeling through the silver fur, suddenly becoming very warm. My tongue danced with his, our breaths mixed and our warmths became one.
Gideon then moved his head back and smiled at me. He licked my lips and said, "Don't you believe in 'Love at first sight'?"
I looked at him and said, "I'm sure it exists somewhere, but I'm skeptical...."
And he simply said, "Then it can exist here, and it does. I already know from the bottom of my heart that I love you, Dustin. I can only hope that you can one day feel the same about me."
And it was at that point that I knew I had found what I was really searching for.
--
Would you be a jumper?