Good evening; I'm James Lipton, and I'm privileged to bring to you five of the most interesting persons it's ever been my pleasure to interview. To begin with, I need to explain that what you're about to read concerns the discovery of a home, a house, unique to my experience in every way. Quite apart from its apparent ability to be larger on the inside than on the outside - something that those of you familiar with the long-running British television series Doctor Who will no doubt recognize - it also seems to be able to choose its inhabitants, as well as to grant them, when inside the house, a metamorphosis into their true forms. I'm referring to anthropomorphic animal forms, what is referred to as "furry" in the vernacular. Neither wholly human nor animal in these forms, each is a combination of him- or herself and his or her particular animal expression.

To those unfamiliar with this concept, much less the idea that it actually occurs, I will suggest that you meet my guests today, to hear their story of how they came together, and how they have become... all that they have become. Welcome, please, the inhabitants of their own Natural Habitat.

Caedmon

James Lipton: Let us welcome now Caedmon MacKenna, our badger in residence. Your surname means "fire-sprung," and your given name means "wise warrior." It would seem that your parents had great expectations of you.

CAEDMON: I'm sure they're still expecting. (pause) Perhaps I shouldn't start off with quite so much of my cynicism. In truth, my parents are intelligent, caring people who have spent time trying not to ask the eternal question of parenthood: "Where did we go wrong?"

James Lipton: Do you think that they aren't proud of you?

CAEDMON: Not at all. I simply think that they weren't expecting me to become what I am.

James Lipton: And how would you describe that?

CAEDMON: A bright, uncompromising, semi-socialist, politically aware wise-ass.

James Lipton: That's certainly succinct, and it seems that you live up to your names quite well. Is there anything about your background, or your childhood, that you'd like to bring up here?

CAEDMON: Mr. Lipton, I... (sighs) I have no wish to be impolite. I respect you, and I have enjoyed your many interviews over the years. Being the subject of such an interview, however, does not put me at ease. I don't speak much about my background or my history. My various housemates know little of it all, and they seem satisfied with that.

James Lipton: It is not my intention to intrude. You certainly seem outspoken on so many other topics that it seemed to me you'd be equally forthcoming about yourself. I apologize if I have presumed.

CAEDMON: (long pause) For this, and many other reasons, you have earned my respect. Let me not admit true impediments, to twist the phrase. I'll compromise. A nutshell description of my early years might contain the following. I grew up in a small town in Iowa, which gave me two interesting and opposite foci: The lackluster brains of the farm-centered communities all around me, and the frequent inundation of political aspirants who sought election. Both seemed to thrive on [CENSORED] - excuse me, "fertilizer."

James Lipton: Your upbringing was in rural Iowa?

CAEDMON: A distant suburb of Sioux City was close enough; the transition from sidewalks to cow paths took very little distance at all. My high school years were spent avoiding as much as I could of the imported rural-based clichés of student-hood: Jocks, hicks, glitter-girls, religious nuts, and so forth. There were even some computer nerds, if you can call working with Windows 95 sufficiently "nerdy" to warrant the term.

James Lipton: Dare I even ask if there were any school groups that you deigned worthy of belonging to?

CAEDMON: There was a chess club that had four other students in it. I usually ended up playing against the sponsor, a science teacher named Mr. Kovalik who ran rings around us. What he was doing there, I have no idea. He did, however, teach us a good deal about chess, and in some ways, that linked to my other interest.

James Lipton: Politics.

CAEDMON: Precisely. The school political clubs were about championing one cause or another; I avoided them, partly because I wanted to see and study the process as a whole, and partly because there wasn't a single cause that I could, in good conscience, support.

James Lipton: I sense that there is at least one wonderful example that you have in mind.

CAEDMON: One group was actively attempting to endorse a presidential candidate who would, as part of his platform, propose that NASCAR be the national sport.

James Lipton: No more need be said. Have you any anecdotes that you wish to offer regarding your observations of the political process?

CAEDMON: That, sir, could take up an entire program! Briefly, I'll say that I never missed a stumping speech, if I could find one, whatever the level of candidate. Even when I was young, and my parents took me to hear various speeches, I never once heard a politician who didn't seem to be lying in some way. Some few tried as hard as they could to present a good, true case, but every single one of them ended up lying about something. Later, when my vocabulary become more sophisticated, I realized that it was the same form of lying that we use in resumes, applications, income tax, and so forth - not so much truly lying as simply making the material seem more palatable to those who have to swallow it. This became known as a "spin," which is its own unimaginably painful diatribe.

JYBIAN: Don't get him started!

James Lipton: I agree that we really don't have the time. However, this certainly explains why you have pursued your undergraduate degree in political science, and even now are working toward your doctorate?

CAEDMON: Precisely, although I should state that I'm not in class or in a formal doctoral program at this point. The whole working-to-survive idea is getting very much in the way of that accomplishment. At least I didn't have to work my way through undergraduate school. With no disrespect meant to Sheila, I used my grades and my test scores to get my college bills paid through grants and scholarships.

SHEILA: No offense taken, fellah. We've had that discussion before, y'know. Not so important how you get it, just the gettin' the goods is hairy muff.

CAEDMON: As you say. However, there are far fewer grants or scholarships for the doctoral level, so I find myself having to rely upon baser instincts and more menial talents. Work is the curse of the thinking man. Or furry.

James Lipton: Whatever the case, you nevertheless did find yourself at the house. How did that come about?

CAEDMON: I saw a sign posted on the front lawn: "Room To Let."

JYBIAN: Oh c'mon, Caedmon, we've had this talk a million times. There was no sign! No one posted a sign! Do you think that the house wants everyone to show up and apply for a room?

LIGHTFOOT: Jybian, remember what I told you?

JYBIAN: I still say it's just wordplay. There was no sign!

CAEDMON: And I repeat, I saw a sign posted. You see, Mr. Lipton, that is the point I'm trying to make: I saw a sign posted. No one else did.

James Lipton: I have to make the assumption, therefore, that you frequented this general neighborhood enough that the house would assume that you would pass by.

CAEDMON: Full marks, sir! That's it exactly. I don't exercise, per se, but I do enjoy my walks in clement weather. I'd not been particularly happy where I was living - that, too, is a tale for another time, when I can be more liberal with various Anglo-Saxon descriptive nouns and epithets - and as I walked, I found myself thinking more and more about how good it would be to be able to live in such a good, well-established neighborhood. It was impossible, of course; the rents would be far too high, I assumed.

James Lipton: Something in particular changed your mind.

CAEDMON: One day, as I walked past the house, I saw that the sign had changed. It now read: "Room To Let. You Can Afford It."

LIGHTFOOT: I can't say that I ever saw the sign, but I do remember the first time that I saw you, Caedmon. I think it had to have been that day, because I saw you standing in front of the house and peering, but not into the porch area at all - more like something in between the porch and where you stood. I saw you take out a pen and paper and write something down.

CAEDMON: The phone number on the sign, of course.

LIGHTFOOT: Of course. You finally noticed me and waved, and I waved back. That was how I recognized you when you met us all at the café.

James Lipton: Another arranged meeting, this time with three veterans of the house's magic, and one potential roommate. How did that meeting go?

CAEDMON: Successfully, obviously, or I wouldn't be living there.

James Lipton: (after a pause) Would anyone else care to field the question?

SHEILA: It's not like we're selling snails on each other, eh, lads? I'll go first. Caedmon can be a difficult person to like, if he sets his mind to it. And I mean this as a compliment, Caed love - you're bright, strong-willed, and you don't suffer fools gladly. Compared to you, a lot of folks really are fools. So we had an uncomfortable time to start with that day, because the three of us were so chummy with each other, by that time, that we probably made Caedmon feel like an intruder.

CAEDMON: You're being kind, Shee. I was set to be a tenant, not a member of the household. I was very cold, very formal, and probably rude.

James Lipton: Clearly, something must have changed that. What happened?

CAEDMON: Ask old stripy-butt over there.

James Lipton: Jybian? Was this some of your famous randomness at work?

JYBIAN: Absolutely. Caedmon was being such a sour puss that I was ready to veto any vote in his favor, to start with. And then I caught something - an intonation, a word, something - that made me think it was all an act. Well, not an act, maybe, more like a mask. I just couldn't believe anyone could really have a stick shoved so far up his... (clears throat) In Dungeons & Dragons terms, he'd have been a Third Edition Paladin class. He just seemed pompous, and I couldn't believe anyone was really like that. And if he was, he wouldn't last a day with the bunch of us. So with a straight face, I asked him how he felt about nudity in the household.

James Lipton: Lightfoot, is he kidding?

LIGHTFOOT: Not at all. In fact, Sheila and I both looked at him startled. I felt him nudge me with his foot, under the table. Sheila was to my right, so I put a hand gently on her leg, also under the table, to signal her that something was up.

SHEILA: Caedmon's reaction wasn't 'arf Easter bunny! He's far too suave to do a "spit take," but the conversation halted for a bit.

JYBIAN: Naturally, I pressed the advantage. I told him that we were hoping to keep the "clothing optional" status around the house, if that was all right with him. Lightfoot picked up perfectly.

LIGHTFOOT: I explained that it was perfectly fine to wear clothes, if he wanted to, and that sometimes I'd wear my lacy pink slip with the weather was a little breezy.

SHEILA: By this time, I was chiming in with comments about how sports bras always felt so restrictive.

LIGHTFOOT: She emphasized the moment by tugging at the one she was wearing!

SHEILA: Hey, adjustments sometimes have to be made!

James Lipton: Caedmon, what did you do?

CAEDMON: I came to the conclusion that they were either serious - which would have made me think more than twice about joining them, as I'm neither exhibitionist nor voyeur - or that they were playing an elaborate and spontaneous joke, in which case they were clearly clever enough people to warrant my interest. So I asked them if they would be offended if I ... well, the conversation got swiftly graphic.

JYBIAN: I don't think we could tell everything in this interview, no. We created quite a series of improvised lies, and Caedmon ran with it all.

James Lipton: Who broke first?

CAEDMON: It was something of a tie. The ice, at last, was broken; I was officially interested in having a look at the house.

James Lipton: Fast-forward to the entryway. You went in first?

CAEDMON: I did.

SHEILA: I was next in line, at that point. Maybe I was hoping to see him trip or summat! He walked right in, changed without noticing a thing. He appraised the entire downstairs before noticing that we'd walked in behind him.

James Lipton: Did you recognize his species?

SHEILA: It took me a minute; badgers aren't native to Australia, although there have been sightings out in Perth and all. Might have been some sort of black market smuggling kind of thing, and they escaped and have started breeding in the wild. Anyway, no, I wasn't sure of him. Nice fur, though.

LIGHTFOOT: I knew he was a badger, and I had kind of suspected it, actually. Badger is a very powerful totem, aggressive, speaks his mind, and the keeper of arcane knowledge related to roots and medicine. In Caedmon's case, you could see it in his activism and his low tolerance for people being obtuse.

James Lipton: You say that he didn't notice the change, rather like the other males - perhaps that's a clue to the problem of perception?

JYBIAN: (laughs) Score one for Women's LIB:

CAEDMON: I was focusing entirely on the house itself. As the others have pointed out, it's not only something unexpected, it's also something that has little impact on one's immediate perception. Also, I hadn't seen the others yet. I was quite bold, walking ahead of them, examining the house for its assets and shortcomings, never once paying a bit of attention to my future housemates.

James Lipton: You were self-absorbed.

CAEDMON: Diplomatically put.

James Lipton: What was your first clue that something was different?

CAEDMON: Before I headed up the stairs, I turned to look at my hosts, finding instead a kangaroo, a red fox, and a white tiger, all anthropomorphic mutations - this was before I had learned the term "furry," or before I'd heard of anything associated with it (I was from Iowa, after all). My immediate reaction was that it was quite an elaborate joke, and that the costuming was excellent, and that I had no idea how they could have donned such costumes so quickly.

JYBIAN: The limitations of the purely rational mind.

CAEDMON: Be glad that you don't suffer from it, Jybian.

JYBIAN: Arrg! A touch! I do confess it!

James Lipton: You still had no inkling that you, yourself, had also changed?

CAEDMON: Not at all. That sort of changing, you see, was impossible - naturally, I couldn't have changed into some sort of not-quite-animal. Even after I realized that these three couldn't be wearing costumes, I still couldn't mentally process the notion that they were actually changed beings. It became even harder to believe when they started talking.

LIGHTFOOT: Each of us said something to him, all on the lines of, "No, you're not going crazy, this is really happening, it's all right, you'll get used to it very quickly." His response was, "Get used to what? Why do you all look like that?" We figured out that he really hadn't noticed.

SHEILA: Call for Captain Obvious. None of us could believe that he hadn't noticed anything at all. We thought maybe he was too surprised to see us as we were, and he just couldn't quite process it or something, so he didn't notice what had happened to himself.

CAEDMON: That's about as close to it as I can fathom. It's also possible that it was plain, simple, highly effective denial. It all seemed so utterly unreal that I simply blocked it out. Probably a variation of Douglas Adams' "Someone Else's Problem" field. It was Lightfoot who walked closer to me, and I backed away from him a bit. I'm guessing that some part of me was trying to convince myself that it was still an elaborate joke.

LIGHTFOOT: I persuaded Caedmon to have a look at the upstairs, to see if the available bedroom would suit him. I had an ulterior motive, of course.

James Lipton: I seem to remember something about a full-length mirror?

CAEDMON: I'll spare you the suspense. I did see myself in the mirror, and I shouted more than a few epithets in sheer shock. I know that the other three were trying to explain it all to me, but I remembered almost none of it. Eventually, they guided me back outside, whereupon I returned to my human form. We were in the back yard, sitting in some lawn chairs, while I tried to understand what had happened.

James Lipton: When did you decide to move into the house?

CAEDMON: It wasn't immediate. The whole idea was new to me, completely unknown to me, outside of a few Disney films - and most furries will tell you that's not quite the same thing, or at least that it's a rather simplistic form of the anthromorph. I wasn't sure that I really wanted to live there.

JYBIAN: We had some bad nights, wondering what he'd do. What would happen if he somehow managed to convince a bunch of people to come into the house? Would they see us? Would they change, or not change, or ... we had all kinds of scenarios that we just couldn't cope with. I started shedding like crazy.

LIGHTFOOT: I was reasonably certain that we'd be all right, but I was worried too. We'd been lucky up to this point, and I wasn't sure that the luck, or the magic, would hold.

James Lipton: How did you resolve it?

SHEILA: Another slumber party, more or less. We invited Caedmon to spend the weekend with us, see if he liked us, the house, and himself.

CAEDMON: I was too curious not to give it a try, at the least. And as with Sheila, they put up a terrific spread.

James Lipton: That convinced you?

CAEDMON: In part. As you've noted, I'm not the most sociable of people. These three had formed quite a powerful bond between them, and I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted that much enthusiasm and sunshine in my life. And perhaps I thought myself too bleak for their tastes as well.

JYBIAN: He does have the ability to carry his own little raincloud around with him.

SHEILA: C'mon, tiger, be fair. He's not depressed, he's just serious-minded. And he's very private, plays close to the vest. Those aren't bad qualities, you know.

CAEDMON: Thank you, Sheila.

SHEILA: No worries, mate. We thawed you out, eventually.

CAEDMON: Yes. Well.

James Lipton: And so, with Caedmon joining you, the house needed only one more person to be full.

LIGHTFOOT: Actually, that's not quite true. When I moved in, there were only four bedrooms. We thought there would be no one else.

James Lipton: How can that be? What about Ophelia?

LIGHTFOOT: Bring her on and ask her.