Quiet
#2 of Keep a Light
For a long time, it was cold. Or maybe it was a very short time? I couldn't tell. I was laying down for the longest time, and occasionally, I would hear crying, or the sound of wind blowing through the trees. I heard the sound of running water, and a low howl. It was like a dream with no pictures.
And then I woke up, my breath hanging in the cold morning air like a fine mist. I could hear running water, and my lungs burned like a fire. I felt desperately weak, and every twitch of my tired form brought bolts of white-hot pain into my bones. I could do nothing but stare up at the empty sky, devoid of stars or clouds. It made me feel very... hollow. Laying on the ground like that, absolutely sure that I was dying. I grunted with frustration.
"Oh? You're really up this time? Don't play with me." It was the voice of some female wolf I couldn't see. "I could have left you to die, you know? Just let you lay there in the snow, all alone." I tried to reply, but my throat clenched, and I let out a pitiful moan. "Wow, you really are up aren't you? I'll bet you feel every bit the same as you look, poor guy." I felt a paw rub my foot, and I jumped. It was like a razor dragged across my bare nerves.
"Well, I shouldn't say look, really." She patted my foot gently and I groaned in agony. "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be hurting his bad. When I found you, you smelled like smoke and ashes, so I carried you here and gave you a lot of water. You didn't make a sound." I could hear foodpads walking away from me. "It scared me really bad. I thought you were going to die, the sounds you were making..." The voice paused. "I had dreams about them. That's why I'm so glad you're up. I kept you alive." I heard a rustling and a snow white smiling face brought itself up over mine. "I'll try not to hurt you, ok? I'm Anechka."
She opened her eyes and looked deep into mine. Anechka was blind. Her eyes were like two silver marbles in their sockets.
The next few days, I found myself completely taken care of. Anechka was a very kind woman, and although I couldn't turn my head to look around, I felt very safe around her, and for the first time I could remember, I was wanted. She talked to me. She talked about a lot of things, about how she lived alone, and how she found me, smelling like fire and death out in the wilderness. She talked about how she could feel scars along my muzzle, and how it didn't seem like I had any fur. She talked about how light I was, even though I smelled like a male.
Every day, she would pour cool river water down my throat, and warm water that tasted like rabbits and squirrels. She told me about how she learned to catch them, and how she put them into water she heated over a fire covered with rocks in wooden bowls. It was all very fascinating. I marveled at a wolf strong enough to survive on it's own, but blind... I was talking to a legend, no doubt. It was a few weeks before I could talk. I'll never forget the first words out of my mouth.
"Thanks... but... why can't... see?" I coughed a lot, and it hurt to speak, but at least I still could. It had been bothering me ever since I met her, and late at night, when I could hear her gentle breathing and nothing else, I often wondered how she found herself blind and alone, taking care of a disgrace like me. I thought I didn't deserve to keep on living with this weakness, but every time she'd open her mouth... I felt like I could live. As if I were granted some weight in the world, some purpose.
"My eyes, huh? I guess you can see. I lost them a while back..." Her voice trailed off, and she sounded a bit hurt. I wondered if I hadn't said the wrong thing. "It's a little complicated, and... I don't want to talk about it right now, because I don't think you know me well enough to understand why. And even if I do tell you... you might not be my friend anymore." She paused and I could see her look up at the moon out of the corner of my eye. "Well, that is, if you're my friend right now."
"Of course..." I whispered to the night air. "I couldn't live without..." She smiled weakly. "Maybe I'll tell you a little bit about when I was young, and you can tell me about yourself when you feel better. I like how your voice sounds. I've heard a lot of males, and... your voice is soft, is all. It reminds me of an old friend that I had."
We didnt' speak the rest of the night, but the next morning, while she was making the broth, I managed to speak up again. "Avram."
"That's your name? Avram?"
I whined in agreement.
"Avram, Avram... I used to have an alpha with a name like that." My ears perked up and I almost jumped to my feet in surprise, but a crippling pain drove me back to the ground. "But he died when I was very small." I breathed a pained sigh of relief. "That was when I was just barely even born. My eyes weren't even open then. The alpha we appointed after that... he was the leader until I left the pack." She turned to me. "How about it? You want to hear about my childhood?"
I answered with a raspy "Huh." and closed my eyes. "Well, I was born to two wolves, and my father was the beta of the pack. My mother was very kind, but I always remember my father, because he always knew me the best of anyone. He'd always call me 'My little flower. My lilly in the snow.' And then we'd sit out and howl at the stars, counting them one by one until I fell asleep in his lap. I've never known a more comfortable place.
It would always warm me to hear his voice, no matter how cold the wind blew. In the dead of winter, he would gather me and my brother and sister around, and he would tell us stories. He always talked with a strong and proud voice, and sometimes we would imagine him as the brave wolves in the stories, fighting demons and winning glory for their pack. My favorite one was about this wolf who was so smart, he crossed the mighty sea to the east in an amazing piece of wood. His name was Aile, and he traveled around the packs, telling everyone of the lessons he earned when he was in the eastern land. Lessons about how packs needed to be bound, and that brotherhood should come before dominance. He preached that all wolves were one in themselves, and every single one deserved the right to their freedom and happiness." She smiled, and I thought I saw a tear in her eye.
"Well, anyway our Alpha at the time was a very strong and very proud wolf, but he was proud to the point of arrogance, and strong to the point of abuse. He had three mates, and there wasn't one alpha female in the pack. I never saw much of him, and thankfully, he never saw much of me. But he got us our food, and he kept the other packs away from our territory. That was all that really seemed to matter to us at the time. But time passed, and I grew up a little. I was still a puppy, and I played a lot with my brother and sister, who were both a little older than me. We played all summer, until we were old enough to meet the other pups in the pack, and we always had a grand time." Her lips curled into a smile. "That's when I first met Anya. That late summer day, when everything smelled like sun and leaves and wood. She had a flower stuck between her ears, and I picked it out for her. Anya smiled at me, and I smiled back. Her fur smelled like rain."
"Well, time passed, and me and Anya became best friends. We'd play hide and seek, and hunt clovers, and do all those things that puppies do. We'd fight with the boys and make little hideouts under trees. Those were the greatest days of our... my life. But we grew older and older, and pretty soon, we were preparing to be accepted into the pack as adults. It was time we hunted." Her ears drooped ever so slightly, so that I wondered whether I had seen anything at all or not.
"We went, Anya and I. And my brother and sister, too, even though it was their second hunt by then. Anya's dad and the Alpha wolf came. We tracked down a doe, and surrounded it. It felt so incredible, finally having part in what we wolves did. This was my heritage, my birthright, my place. I was finally learning exactly what being alive meant. I could feel fire in my blood, and a light in my soul. And then... Then came the kill. Everyone bolted for the doe, and it made a sound that stopped me cold.
I shivered there for a second, watching my pack descend on the doe with teeth and claws and tearing and blood. It was a flash of ragged violence, a quick and bloody cut, and the doe was dead. It was quick and powerful, everything a kill should be, but I stood back, and fell to my knees. I remember Anya looking back at me, blood on her muzzle, giving me this confused stare. I didn't eat that night. I remember the Alpha coming, and talking to me. Barking at me was more like it, really. He called me worthless, weak. Said I couldn't be a wolf if I couldn't eat. Said I should just leave the pack if I wasn't going to even hunt a goddamn doe. I just sat and cried while Anya's father watched from the shadows of the trees. I reached out to him with one paw, but the Alpha stopped him. He said that if Anya's father helped me at all, he'd tear his fucking throat out. And then..." She ran her paw over her eyes. "He didn't blind me that time. But I did get a nice scratch on my muzzle. I felt your muzzle. I take it... You know what he did?" I grunted in agreement. "Terrible..." she muttered, and stayed silent for a long time.
When she did speak again, her speech was cautious and slow. She was picking every word by paw. "Listen I don't know if you'll be ok... with the next part of my life. So, I'd just like to ask you one question. Would that be alright?"
"Yeah." I wheezed my reply. "What... what is it?"
"When I found you, you smelled like smoke and ashes, but you also smelled like another wolf..."
I immediately felt sick and aware of myself, and I almost sat up. I didn't like where this was heading at
all.
"It... it smelled like another male. Is... is that true?"
I sat in silence. I couldn't move. And I couldn't bring myself to lie to Anechka. I felt sick, but after forcing the answer out of my throat, I managed to utter a feeble, ashamed "Yes" in barely a whisper.
Anechka smiled happily, and seemed incredibley relieved. I thought it strange, and felt almost as if she was mocking me. That is, until she spoke. "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. I'll still be your friend, I don't mind."
I layed back on the grass, and sighed. I felt so much better. "Well, after my punishment, I went and hid, under a special tree. It was the tree that Anya and I first met under, and I stayed there all night, crying into my arms. When I woke up, someone was stroking my ears and humming gently, and I knew it had to be her. My ears flattened in shame and I tucked my tail between my legs. She asked what was wrong." Anechka sighed. "I asked her if she could keep a secret."
I coughed and she put her paw on my chest, but continued to speak. "She said... she said that she could, and I laid my head in her lap and whispered... I told her I loved her. I wasn't even sure I'd said it, but immediately she began to... to stand up. I reached up and pressed my muzzle into hers, and it was like a paradise on earth." Teardrops were running down her face now, running in silent rivulets down her face, and spattering noiselessly on my fur. "She tasted like rainwater."
My stomach sank into my footpads, and I suddenly remembered the look on Fyedka's face as he pushed me into the fire. Anechka turned her face toward me and wiped a tear away with a paw. With a sniff, she continued as best she could. "I loved Anya with all my heart, but... I screwed up. I didn't know where all these feelings were coming from. I didn't like the boys in our pack, and I never liked the thought of bearing pups and living with a male mate. I only wanted her. I wanted Anya beside me. I wanted Anya's love, and her affection. I wanted her body and her troubles and her desires." She smiled weakly. "Anya didn't feel that way. I was just a friend to her, and that was all she knew, so when I kissed her that day... she ran. She ran and told her father. Her father told the Alpha." Anechka raised one claw to her sightless eye. "And the Alpha... dealt with me. He held me down, and called me names. He hit me. He... Knew me."
I felt a twinge of shame when she said this and I sat up for the first time in a long time. It was like being dipped in a sea of fire, but I did what I could. I put my paw on her shoulder, and she shuddered, shaking her head. She had never told this to anyone. Not even her father. But I didn't make a sound. Not one. I stayed quiet and proud. The Alpha..." A sly but weak smile crossed her muzzle. "Was furious. He picked up a stick. The last thing I ever saw was a piece of wood smashing into the bridge of my muzzle."
"I'm so sorry." I said with all the strength I could muster. "You don't have to be. It was the price I paid for loving another female. I've always been different from the others. It's just a little more obvious now." She smiled at me. "I know I haven't known you for very long, but you'd be embarrassed to hear how much you resemble Anya. It's just a feeling I have around both of you."
A lot of days passed, and I slowly began to recover myself. Physically, I was healing. Patches of my charred skin were growing back with patches of ash-gray fur, and I was able to stand and walk. I drank a lot of water and stew, and spent my time talking with Anechka, trading childhood stories and talking about our previous lives. However, I never spoke of the night I fell into the fire, and the night she found me. I never told her a single thing about that day, and whenever she asked about it, I would go quiet.
Physically, as I said, I was healing. My thoughts, however, were a storm of fire and sickness. For the first time in my life, I felt a drive to destroy, though I said nothing of it to Anechka. She wouldn't like me talking like that. Fyedka haunted my sleep and my waking hours. I wanted to tear him, rip him. More than any prey in the entire woods, I wanted to hunt and kill my so-called best friend. My beta.
But even though I wanted him dead, a piece of me felt horrible. I was never this voilent of a wolf. And even with all he did to me, Fyedka had always been there for me. He defended me when I was weak, and guided me when I was lost. I hated everything about him, and the thought of his face only brought me confusion and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tried my hardest not to dwell on him. I didn't want Anechka to smell my tears.
"So." She said to me one day. "Tell me about your love."
"My love?" I searched my memory for something I might have said to her. "What?"
"Your love." Her wolfish smile was so pretty when she was excited.
"That's why you left your pack, right?"
I shook my head, even though she couldn't see it. "Rifka?" I said. It was the only person I could think of.
"No no no. Not your mate. Your love." Anechka grinned at me widely, and I could see her tail wagging. God, Anya must have been so lucky...
"I'm sorry, Anechka. I really don't get it. Who are you talking about?"
Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Don't worry, Avram. I won't say anything if you don't want. Can I guess?"
"Who my love was? I didn't have one."
"Sure you did! You told me, remember?"
That struck me as odd. When did I...? My mind wandered.
"Alright, alright. So, let's see... There's Ivan, and Fyedka, and Vasili, and Peter..." She tapped her muzzle. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.
"Anechka..." I stuttered, but she acted like she didn't hear me.
"Ivan's out, since you always talk about how much of an ass he is, and Vasili died a year ago, right? So that rules him out. And Peter left with his family after your father died..."
"Anechka, stop." I growled at her and her ears perked, and pressed lightly against her head. Her grin faded. "I don't like this. You don't know..." I cut myself off. Words are delicate and powerful things, and I was trying so damn hard not to say something stupid.
She took my silence as an opportunity to speak. "Fyedka... You never ever talk about him. It's him, isn't it?"
I stood in silence with her a while. When I did speak, my voice was raspy and dry, as if I hadn't had a drop of water to drink for days.
"No... I would never."
Her ears were pressed flat against her head and she sniffed the air, her arms hugging her sides. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad. You don't have to tell me if you don't want."
"I never... I never had a love. No one. I loved my family." I breathed deeply and realized my eyes were tearing up. "I don't know when I said I had one."
"When I found you, and I asked... When I told you why I left my pack. Do you remember?"
"Anechka... I don't think--"
"I asked you. I asked you if you'd been with another male. You said yes."
"Anechka!" My voice was pleading now. I felt a little pathetic, but I was cornered. I couldn't bring myself to lie, and I couldn't ask her to stop. Her voice was quavering too. "It... I didn't."
She stayed calm, cautiously wording everything she said. "You're the alpha. They had no right to hurt you for loving another male."
"I NEVER fucking loved him!" I spat. I clenched my jaw and rose to my feet. My heart was beating in my throat, and I could feel flames around me. I could see Fyedka's eyes as I fell backwards that night, acting like he'd shattered the entire world. "He was a goddamn TRAITOR." My paw felt warm. One of my claws had drawn blood while I clenched my fist.
Anechka shrank visibly, her tail tucking itself between her legs in submission. "Avram. What happened that day I found you?" Her body was the only indication of her distress. Her voice was cool and strong. I felt the fire leave me.
I sighed, and sat down. I told her everything. "That morning, my pack and I went on a hunt. Ivan was making fun of me, and I got mad at him. I made a stupid bet and he died because of it. I... I killed my own wolf. When we returned to the pack, I went off by myself to sleep and think. When I woke up..."
"Please." Her voice was soft. Comforting. I could feel hot tears on my muzzle, and she reached out, tracing a line up my neck and wiping them away with the back of her paw.
"Fyedka... Forced himself on me. That was who you smelled, when you found me. That was him. I hit him in disbelief, and in reaction, he pushed me into... into the fire."
"Avram... I'm so sorry." I thought I saw her muzzle twitch in shame, but I couldn't be sure. "I thought you... I thought you liked..." She shook her head. "I thought you would understand, and I know that this is a bad time, but Avram, I need to know..." She withdrew her paw. It felt like she had taken away summer. "Do you think I'm... disgusting?" Anechka's voice was tearing at my heart. It killed me to see her so sad, worry etched into her face. I could tell she had only asked that question once. It was for Anya and I only.
"I would never." I said as softly as I could.
"Even though--" I put my finger to her lips.
"You're beautiful. Anya was lucky to have you." I sighed and ran a paw across her muzzle. She put a paw on her forehead and leaned on her elbow. I stood up, and walked to the space where I spent my nights. I slept. I didn't dream.
It was a while before we spoke again, Anechka and I. A few days passed, and were it not for the sound of my footpads on the grass and dirt, she would have thought me long gone.
The next time I saw her speak, it wasn't to me. One warm afternoon, I found her, sitting by a nearby stream, cradling a soft black thing in her arms and whispering softly to it. It reminded me strangely of a mother. When I drew close, I could smell blood. The blood of someone I knew.
I rushed to her side. "Anechka! What happened? Where did you find him?" She shook her head and cocked an ear toward me. "I found him slumped against a tree, He's not bleeding bad but he's asleep."
"Do you know who this is?"
"Avram, how could I? You've been my only company for years."
"The wolf in your arms is Sasha. He's Fyedka's son." Anechka stood silent for a long time, staring blankly at the little body cradled in her arms. Her nose twitched, and I could tell she remembered something about the smell.
I knelt by her side and gently stroked Sasha's ears. They were pinned against his head, and his little teeth were bared, but his eyes were closed, and he was panting softly. Tiny rivulets of warm blood ran down his face and across his back. I cringed at the sight. "Oh, Sasha... How did you find your way here...?" I whispered in his ear, and his face relaxed. His ears stopped pressing against his head, and I could see his body start to rest in Anechka's embrace.
"Poor boy... He was so scared. He was hiding when I found him." She turned her head and smiled up at me. "So this is little Sasha? Hearing your stories, I always wanted to meet Sasha and...." I nodded my head. "... His father."