FSE

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formerly SoFurry search engine

The house was quiet when I got home. Dad won't get home until 5 P.M, so I have time to try and get out of this mental jam I'm in. I walked around the house and laid down in the back yard, on the grass just before the sandy shore line. I love to relax here a lot. Sometimes I need to let my eighteen year old mind and body relax for a bit so I stay sane. To all but my closest friends who look at me, they see a Cheetah with all the markings that most cheetahs have, from the yellow fur, black spots, to the black cry marks under my eyes. The only thing that makes me a bit different is that a perfect line goes down my spine. I pull out my phone and look at the date.

"Only July 15, so I still got a lot of time to try and find out what is wrong with me" I said out loud, slipping the phone back into my pocket, after the supposed 'End Of The World 2012' two years ago, I think the world is back on track.

I closed my eyes and enjoy the summer sun from Michigan, loving the warmth that it sends though me. But then something starts to poke at me, what happened on the fourth of July. I know he was drunk and couldn't walk any line at the time but I know he had some idea of what happened because the day after, he told me he kissed someone last night. At the point, I wanted to tell him that it was me he kissed but I didn't because I knew that, deep, deep down in my heart, I wanted him. Ever since Elizabeth left, he has helped me pick myself up and go on. But every time I think of that day, I don't think of how wrong that kiss was, I think of how I fit in his arms, how his tongue lapped at mine, how for a split second, I felt, happy.

"NO, IT WAS WRONG HE WAS DRUNK AND I-", my loud angry thought was cut off as I felt a vibrating in the pocket of my jacket. I pull out my phone to find that Nikolai texted me. Of all the people to text me and it is the one that is stuck in my head. I have to face him sometime. I open the text to find a picture of my front door. "Oh fuck cakes, he is here at my front door and he knows I'm here. This is starting to go from good to bad."

I sigh to myself as I push my 150 pound self to my feet and walk to the sliding glass door, finding it unlocked. I slide it aside and walk in the kitchen/dining room. It was a small kitchen but the dining room was twice its size. I walk though the kitchen, giving the stove a passing glance to see the time. 3:29 P.M. I need to talk with Nik for a bit. I walk into a good sized living room but it was barely filled with much furniture. It only really ever had a black couch with a matching black chair, a tiny end table with a lamp on it, a small bookcase, and an entertainment system with a LCD TV. Behind the couch on the wall, it was covered with family photos, homemade drawings, and certificates for me and my 13 year old brother.

My brother. He is staying with Aunt Jen, won't be home until the last week of the summer. Damn, that means I'm getting the house to myself and Nik is going too possibly hang with me for a week or two because he'll need a vacation from home. I may or may not find the answer I want, but I must accept it. I just hope my dad can. I made it to the door but all I do is look at the knob, my reflection distorted but it looks back at me. Grab it, turn and swing the door open, seeing a fur that is a bit shorter than me, only by two inches, with snow white fur and a sharp, vigilant look in his eye. Deep brown eyes look at me, but with the was the hit them is- I mentally kick myself for that but I'm slipping away from the outcome that will give me the least amount of problems.

"Hey man, I haven't seen you in a few days, what's been going on Man?" I ask him, knowing that the response can't be that bad.

"Nothing much man. I'm still trying to get bits and pieces from that party, but all I can get is this fuzzy, yellow fur that I kissed but I can't get her face"

I keep my face void of all emotions as we walk over to the couch, and flop down on it. I grab the remote and turn on the TV, changing channels till I find my favorite channel, cooking. The host, which is a white mouse, was making Baklava.

"Come on man, I know you like to cook but the soccer game is on" he protests, being part of the high school soccer team.

"Is the only reason you came over is your soccer game in HD?" I say as I looked over at him. He has his hands together, fingers interlocked, holding palm to palm. He only dose this when something wrong is with him. "Hey, your hands are together, what's up"

"I've been going through the faces at the party and trying to find anyone that looks like the person I kissed but the only... never mind, it would sound stupid anyway" his eyes met mine, fear in them. I knew I had to do what I don't want to.

"No, tell me man" I have to do this, even if it may make my life a lot harder than it has to be.

"You were the only one with yellow fur and I know that I wouldn't kiss you even when I'm drunk" he says. Now or never, all I need is five seconds of brainlessness and something will happen.

I feel my muscles moving on their own, I tackle and pin him to the couch. He protest but our lips come together before anything could come out. I feel the tension in his body spring up as our lips touch. My eye are closed, my mind racing, making scenarios, ending with me with a black eye and no best friend or us together, as... boyfriends. I know this is the way that I didn't want to go but i feel my mind start to rest from all the worry that I had about this.

I could fell him start to relax and start getting into the kiss, licking my lips, wanting to explore my muzzle. I grab the back of his neck, rubbing it, with one hand and rub his stomach with the other. I think hear the sound of keys but The door swung open, my father walking though it, punting his keys in a bowl next to the door but he stopped dead in his tracks as he looked at me on top of Nikolai, kissing him. I sprang off of him and scrabbled to the other side of the couch, trying to get out of the gaze of the one that helped make me and the only real parent that I have left. I got off the couch and pressed my back to the wall as I started to get that feeling of being pushed into a corner. I started to slide down the hallway that would take me to my room. But I never looked away from his eyes, a light blue, as if I'm looking into a lake during midday when not one cloud was in the sky.

I felt the tears start to come and that is when I turned and ran down the short hallway to the last door, my room. The hall only had four doors, my dad's room/ work space, my brother's room, a bathroom and my room. I got past the frame of the door but I felt a paw grab my wrist and it... just held on, no pulling, and the grip wasn't all that hard. The paw felt large with short fur. I knew who it was but I didn't what to look at him again, I could only imagine the disappointment of finding his first born kissing another male fur on his couch.

"Son, we need to talk" he said in a gentle voice, as if he is trying to comfort me. He let go and backed away two steps, giving me some room to breath, "please, all I want to do it talk with you. I'll be in the living room when your ready." and with that, he was gone. I didn't have the will to do anything but put my back to the wall, slide down, and start to cry softly to myself. "God damn it... GOD DAMN IT! WHY! WHY ME WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE EVERY NORMAL FUR AND BE INTO A FEMALE" I yelled in my head as the crying started to get heavier.

After about quarter of and hour, my eye had no more tears to give five minutes ago, so I just stayed there. My mind was trying to find a way to get out of what I got myself into, but I was coming into dead end after dead end. I need to face my fate and bite the bullet. I walked into the living room, amazed that Nik was still there but as soon I got in to the room, I felt his gaze start to burn a hole into my mind and soul. Nikolai was seated on the couch close to my father. I plopped on the spot farthest from my father and closest to the hallway.

"Son... I know what you may think, but I want you to know this, I love you, and if you love another male, then I still love you." his voice was calm and collected, as if he was trying to get over a bit of shock, which probably was the case seeing his oldest making out with another male on the family couch.

I think back to that time, seeing not though my eyes but over me, like someone watching me from above. I see the tackle, the first lip contact, the look in Nikolai's eyes when our lips made contact but when he relaxed, he looked... content, as if a weight was lifted off him. Could he? I push the thought to the side, wanting an answer but when they are alone.

"So your fine with me being... like this?"I said, trying to talk with some confidence.

"yes but I must know, were you trying to hold it back, because you been acting strange ever since that party you two went to." he asked whit his normal, joking tone.

"Well you see, at said party, there was some people that were over the age of 21 and they got some stuff. I know I'm not allowed to drink at my age but people were giving me drinks so I thought "to hell with it" and I started to drink to my hearts content but to my livers hate." he stopped for a bit to take in a breath, or trying to get fuzzy details. "After a few drinks, I start hitting on anything that looked like a girl but got shot down by almost all of them. But I found some yellow spotted person. I tried to think of a few pick up lines but my mind was a bit cloudy so I just walked up and kissed em on the lips in a dark corner of the room. After that, I think I passed out and the next thing I know, I'm on your couch with a hangover. I thought some one tried to drive a railroad spike into my head." he finished with a sigh. My father looked over at me.

"Is this true?"

"Part way, there was beer and he did drink it, and he did go hitting on every girl, after some time, he stared to hit on anything that looked like a girl to the point that he was hitting on a house plant, that is when I grabbed him and he turned me around, pinning me to a wall of a shadowed corner and started to kiss me. I could taste the cheap beer as he tried to slip his tongue past my lips. I pushed him off and hauled him on my shoulder, to drunk to walk anywhere, taking him to my car and driving him here. I put him on the couch and set out some sunglasses for him. I went to my room and tried to sleep, couldn't so I turned on my computer and started to putts around on it. But one thing burned in my mind, why did I enjoy it, even for a few seconds. To give the short look of my eleven days is three days of successfully pushing all thoughts of Nikolai away but the other eight days, i couldn't get him out of my head for less then two seconds and then... this"

I feel something in my mind, as if it, for the first time in so long, I'm at peace with myself. It as if I have escaped the torment of the lost of my mother and first love. They were lifted off my mind by one act of the heart, a love that most would call sin. All I have to say to them is, Burn in your ignorance.