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It's strange how that one little insignificant sign of affection changed so much for me that night. But from my experience, a sign of affection is never insignificant, no matter how small that may be. Especially for me... And even though Nikki was really drunk that evening, I couldn't help but to smile when she said I was beautiful... I knew it was the alcohol who made her say that but still... I didn't think too much about it back then. I had a lot of fun spending time with her whenever we were going to the mall to get an ice-cream or just shopped around. The more I started to hang out with her, the better I got to know her. I slowly saw how Nikki changed from a shy, timid girl to an open, fun loving person... As if being with me gave her a major boost to her self-confidence... Despite her beauty and personality, I didn't even think of the idea of us being together, let alone to be in love with her... Besides, what are the odds of her having feelings for me...? There wasn't really a reason for me to think of that possibility... So life continued normally for us as the months passed by... Everything was absolutely perfect... Terry and I did what we always did and Nikki tagged along whenever she wanted to be with us. Slowly but steady, Nikki became a close friend of me as well. She helped me out with everything she could, something I deeply appreciated. Each and every time I hugged her, she just looked at me with a smile, as if that was very special to her or something... I didn't know what it was... Nevertheless, it took a while before she did the same to me... Nikki and I started to hang out more often whenever Terry was away with his friends. Things were absolutely perfect the way they were going... Until one little discovery about her turned everything upside down for me...

On a hot Saturday afternoon in August, Nikki and I went to the beach at around noon. All day long, we've been relaxing at the beach and went for a swim in the ocean. We bought ice-creams for each other and had a really good time together. At around five o'clock, I became rather hungry and suggested that we should have a bite to eat. Nikki seemed to be hungry as well so we made our way to the nearest fast food restaurant and stuffed ourselves... During our dinner, Nikki said that I've never been inside her apartment before and invited me over to watch a movie. Seeing as Terry was going out with friends that night and the fact I've never seen her apartment before, I accepted her invitation...

Nikki lived on the third and top floor of the Lorborough apartment complex, on the outskirts of downtown Ravello. The building looked old and seemed it hasn't been renovated in years the moment we entered the staircase. But once we got to the third floor and Nikki unlocked the door and opened it, it looked nothing what I expected it to be... Her hallway was small, about two by two meters with a simple peg hanging on the wall. Across the peg was a small side-table with a small stack of flyers, the regional newspaper and some of her mail. Above that little side-table was a rectangular mirror hanging on the wall with a wooden frame. Right next to it, the door to her toilette. The door to the living-room was open and once I made my way there, I immediately fell in love with the place... Her living room was adjacent to her open kitchen. The kitchen was only separated from the living room with a kitchen counter , resembling a bar with two bar stools. Behind it was the stove, the sink and to the far right, the refrigerator with more kitchen counters in between. It's not exactly that big but every inch of space was used optimally. Nikki also had a dining table with four chairs across the bar, decorated with some kind of a plant. Next to the window, in the corner near the dining table, there was a wine rack which contained several bottles of wine. To the right, there was the living area, with two sofa's across each other in a L shape and a comfortable lounge chair was placed diagonally across the sofa's, facing them. Right next to it, there was a bookcase which contained a lot of books and a rack with a lot DVD's. There was a Bordeaux thick red carpet in the middle of it with a coffee table on it. Lots of magazines were stacked underneath and three candles on a plate were on top of the table, along with two remotes for the television and the other one was most likely for her DVD player. Her bathroom door was right across the hall way... Two other doors, supposedly bedroom doors, were across each other. One was near the living room and the other one near the kitchen. There were several modern paintings and a simple analogue white round clock on the wall... The large, rectangular window had a nice view on the city. Her window sill is rather large and wide and it had several pillows, which gave me the idea she sat there sometimes, looking at the view outside... I can't blame her, it's very beautiful... Right next to it was a door that led to a small balcony in front... Her apartment isn't exactly that big but it felt nice and cosy... But above all, it was so clean and the subtle scent of fresh pine was in the air... Not a speck of dust was to be seen... As if she thoroughly cleans her apartment every day of the week... The furniture looked a little worn but apart from that, everything looked brand new... Looking around her apartment made me feel right at home... 'Welcome to my home. Mi casa es su casa.' she said with a smile... 'Oh whoa, this is a really nice place you got.' 'It's not that much, but it's nice...' 'Wow... You got a lot of books. You like to read?' 'I do, yes. Sometimes I sit down in the window sill at night, reading a book with a nice hot cup of coco.' 'Hehehe... The best way to spend an evening.' 'It is! Not every book is mine, though. Some of them belong to my roommate. She likes those manga and anime things.' 'Roommate? You didn't tell me you had a roommate...' 'Yeah well... Not that its relevant... She hardly comes by these days so...' 'Oh...' 'But yeah, she's into manga and anime and stuff so...' 'Are you?' 'Sort of... I take a peek in those books to look for references to draw, but that's pretty much it.' 'I never knew you could draw! What else have you been holding back on me?' 'Hehehe... Uhm... Would you like something to drink?' 'Sure, I'd love to. Hey, you got any of your art around here?' 'Yeah, I got my sketchbooks in that bookcase.'

Even though Nikki didn't specifically said I could look into one, I did nevertheless by randomly picking a sketchbook from the top shelf somewhere in the middle. That's what you get for being too curious and tall... It was a ring-binder with a hard cover and once I opened it up, I noticed the paper was not standard A4... It had a certain texture to it. The first page contained several sketches about hand anatomy and several notes about it. The next one had a few notes about facial structures and basics of feline anatomy. Then I saw the first fully drawn picture when I turned the page again... A female leopard sitting on a chair, while her naughty bits were covered... And it looked really, really good... The anatomy was spot on and looked really professional... Nikki paid a lot of attention to all the details and I loved the shading of it... As I flipped the pages, I saw more several artistic nudes drawn on paper, all in different poses... But what caught my attention was that all of her drawings were female... And then, when I flipped another page, something totally caught me off guard... This time, there were two females except they weren't exactly posing... They were holding each other in a passionate embrace with all of their naughty bits exposed and it was quite graphical... I didn't expect any of that... Nevertheless, it was really well drawn... I continued to flip the pages and the more drawings I saw, the more explicit the content seemed to get... A lesbian orgy, BDSM, domination... "Wow..." I really had no idea what to think when I saw all that... Nikki didn't draw those kind of things for no reason... I looked at her and I saw her eyes... She just stood dead in her tracks with two cups of coffee, looking very scared and absolutely embarrassed when she saw that I was looking at a lesbian orgy that she has drawn out on paper... Right that very second, I knew that it was a wrong thing to look into her sketchbook, that this was something she wanted to have kept to herself... And I just saw it in her eyes... Even though I was kind of startled to see it, I still pretended as if I was indifferent about the nature of her drawings... But it really had me curious... 'These are really good, Nikki...' 'R-Really? You really th-think so...?' 'Oh yes, definitely... It seems you use the same characters over and over again in these drawings...' 'Heh... I-I do, yeah...' 'Are they based on someone in particular...?' 'N-No, of course not b-because that would be silly... Heh...'

There was this awkward silence for a moment when I kept looking at her... And I could just feel how embarrassed she was about her drawings ... Like I said, she doesn't draw girls having sex with each other for no reason which made me think that there was more behind it... I can honestly say I was really startled and all of a sudden, I had a whole different view on her... Nevertheless, she didn't confirmed or denied anything... I knew exactly how she felt seeing I've been there before... 'You don't have to tell me if it makes you feel uncomfortable... I just thought that there might be more behind these drawings... I'm just kind of nosey...' 'U-Uh... I-I uh... I-I-I think that... th-that... Uhm... O-Oh god...' 'It's okay... C'mere, sit with me...'

The fact that she was so nervous so all of a sudden made me think that there was more behind it... Nikki was too shocked to speak up her mind... "Poor girl, she's totally shattered... Too embarrassed... Why the hell did you had to look??" Nikki really hesitated but after several moments, she carefully shuffled towards the couch and sat next to me, placing the two cups of coffee on the table... Nikki didn't look at me out of pure shame and embarrassment and just stared down at the carpet... Seeing her like that really made me regret looking into it... I should've asked first... But nevertheless, it didn't changed anything about the awkward situation it caused... 'I'm sorry... I should've asked you first, Nic...' 'N-No, it's okay, uhm... I-It's my fault, I-I should've hid it somewhere safe... But... Not all of my drawings are like that...' 'I'm really sorry...' 'Heh... It's okay...' 'Do you feel the need to talk about it...?' 'No, not really...'

"Oh, damn it... Smooth move, kalim bayang_... Real smooth... Fuck..."_ Nikki changed so all of a sudden... Very shy, very timid, more than she ever was... She nervously played with her cup of coffee and just stared at it... It stayed silent for a long time and I just couldn't find a single thing to make the awkward situation better... So I just closed the book and kept it on my lap... 'Nic...?' 'Y-Yes...?' 'It's okay... You know you can talk to me about anything...' 'Heh... I-I know...'

She placed her hand on her sketchbook and that's when I let go of it... She takes her sketchbook on her lap and opened it, showing the artistic nude drawings and just stared at it, slowly flipping through the pages... She took a few deep breathes and that's when she started to talk... Very quietly, almost whispering it, as if she was very ashamed of it... 'Being so lonely without expressing your romantic desires can take its toll on you, you know... Just thinking about it just doesn't it for you anymore... Sometimes, you want your desires in a physical form, so that its there for you to touch it... To cherish the idea that one day, all of this may come true... I drift off to my own little world whenever I'm drawing... But once I close my sketchbook, I simply just snap back to reality and realize the truth...' 'What truth...?' 'The truth that keeps reminding me that it's something I'll never have...' 'What makes you say that...?'

No answer... She just stares at the carpet again... I felt so sorry for her... As if I forced her to expose her very soul to me... And I know it's very embarrassing... But I'd do anything to help her, simply because I've been there as well and I know how it feels... All the more reason to help her in every way I could... 'There's nothing wrong with this, you know... Most girls are going through a similar phase...' 'N-No, you don't understand...' 'What do you mean...?' 'It's not a phase for me...' 'Oh... So... Are these characters based on someone in particular...?' 'Y-Yeah... A friend of mine... A-And me...' 'Do you have feelings for her...?'

It stayed silent for a while when she nodded quickly... It looked as if she was on the brink of breaking into tears... I guess she wanted things to go differently, that she might have told me when she felt ready for it but nothing like this... Still, she didn't confirmed nor denied anything yet... 'Do you have a relationship with her at the moment...?' 'Look... Uhm... I-I rather not talk about it... I've had struggles with it in the past and... a-and had really bad experiences for coming out so... That's why I-I rather not talk about it...' 'I understand but... It's not something you chose for. You don't get to decide who you fall in love with.' 'True...' 'Does this mean you're bi-sexual or lesbian or...?' 'The latter...' 'Lesbian?' 'Yes...' 'I see...' 'I wish there was a different way for you to find out and... I don't know if I was ever gonna tell you but... I understand if you don't feel comfortable having me around you...' 'What do you mean?' 'It wouldn't be the first time someone left me because of what I am... Some friends just didn't feel comfortable being with me because of it... It only ended up being hurt by the people you trust the most... which is why I think I'm better off alone...' 'I don't want to leave. I'd like to stay and... talk to you about it... Look through your sketchbooks... If that's ok with you, that is.' 'It doesn't bother you...?' 'No, of course not... You're still the same person before I knew you were lesbian. As long as that doesn't change, I'll always be your friend. Your orientation doesn't have anything to do with us...' 'You really mean that, Ceylan...?' 'Don't be so silly, dushi.... Of course I do.' 'Dushi...?' 'Hmm-mm...' 'What does that mean...?' 'It means something along the lines like... Sweetheart...'

It actually kinda startled me when I called her that... My parents used to call me that... It's certainly a nickname I don't give to everyone... Not even Terry... Nevertheless, she finally managed to look me straight in the face as a weak smile appeared on her muzzle... I smiled right back at her and placed her sketchbook in the middle... I asked her about those drawings and Nikki started to talk. The most beautiful thing about it was that every drawing of her had a story behind it... Most of them express her emotions, her feelings and perhaps even her spiritual believes... Once she explained it, I could see the emotions that has been put into it... We sat there for a long time until we reached the part with those "explicit" drawings... But even those had a story... She didn't went into detail about it though... Despite the fact that she was talking about it, I still had the feeling that it was a very touchy subject for her to talk about... So we started to talk my about sexual experiences as well to ease the tension... About my fantasies... I didn't like talking about my sexual experiences and fantasies to her at all... Every once in a while, she asked me a question and I answered truthfully, how awkward that may have been... She deserved straight answers from me after being so honest to me... Nevertheless, I didn't tell her about my experiences with girls...

We've been talking about it for a long time... That evening, she told me everything... Everything that was bothering her about her sexual orientation, the way she felt about her sexuality, her frustrations, her fears... Absolutely everything... I think the reason why I could talk to her about it is because I faced similar situations back then and how much it confused me. I was able to talk from my own experiences and I think that's the reason why she started to be so open about it... For taking it so well... For the first time, I was talking about this particular topic on a mature level. Of course I've had these talks about sex with girls with Samantha as well but it was still different... Samantha didn't take it seriously... But Nikki did... She started to tell me about her roommate and told me she had feelings for her. Her roommate didn't know she did and it was really bothering her... Expressing her feelings to girls in general was the most difficult for her... 'What frustrates me the most is that I can never really tell if the feelings are mutual... It's because I interpret things differently than most people do...' 'Hm-mm...' 'I mean, a simple hug or a kiss on the cheek, what most friends share, has a different meaning to me, you know... And I always like to think that there's more behind it... That can be pretty awkward...' 'I can understand but... to be honest, it's really not that much different with straight people.' 'What do you mean?' 'Well, a boy can also interpret things differently with a girl. Just because a girl gives a boy a hug doesn't mean the girl is totally in love with him.' 'Yes, that's true but... it does get a lot more difficult when you're telling a girl you have feelings for her... Not only do you expose yourself like that but you also risk a friendship because of it...' 'Yeah, I can imagine... Does anyone else know about your orientation...?' 'Terry knows... But apart from him, no one... Well, you do now...' 'Heh...' 'I appreciate he doesn't blabber it around like that...' 'Yeah...' 'Terry did actually tried to help me though... He even tried once to hook me up with a girl I liked but uh...' 'How'd that go?' 'Horrible... I guess it's mostly me though...' 'Heh... Nikki, just out of curiosity...' 'Yes?' 'How would you rate me on a scale of one to ten?' 'W-What...?'

She was startled when I asked her... I didn't even know why I asked her in the first place... Nikki looked a little uneasy when I asked her that... I didn't think she was gonna answer my question but then she whispered very quietly... 'Definitely a ten... I-I mean... You're a very desirable girl and uh... I-I think that... th-that Terry is very lucky to have you as his girlfriend... You make Terry happy, more than any other girl ever did...' 'Aww, Nic... You're not gonna stay lonely forever, you know... I know you'll find a wonderful girl who deserves you as her girlfriend and I know that when that day comes, you'll make her the happiest girl in the world...' 'Heh... I, uh...' 'Everything will be alright...' 'I hope so... Thank you so much, Ceylan...' 'It's okay...' 'N-No, really... Thank you... You're one of the very few persons genuinely interested in me... I honestly can't tell you how much that means to me... And... I honestly can't tell you how glad I am to have talked about it...' 'You feel relieved now?' 'I do... I really do... Thank you...' 'It's okay... C'mere...'

I put my arm around her and made her lean against my shoulder... I gave her a firm reassuring cuddle and gave her a kiss on the cheek... Nikki joked that she wasn't gonna wrongly interpret that cuddle and kiss... All I did was smiling right down on her... By then, I realized the time... It was half passed three in the morning and I didn't even noticed it was raining outside... Besides, Nikki picked me up that day so my car was at home. She did offered me to drive me back home... But she also offered me to stay over for the night... I didn't know what caused me to say it... But I told her I'd liked to stay with her... Nikki got me a pillow and a blanket and converted her sofa into an improvised bed and even had an unused spare toothbrush I could use. We went to bed but it wasn't a peaceful night for me... All night long, I was thinking about it...

I thought I had it all figured out ever since I got together with Terry but ever since that night, it had me doubting again... And I realized that Nikki has been more honest than I've ever been... I thought that it was just a phase I was going through but after Nikki had been so honest, it really had me doubting... Was I pretending to be someone I wasn't? And if so, what caused it...? Truth was, I didn't felt I was pretending but at the same time, I had the feeling that I was... It was caused by the fact that Terry didn't know at the time that I'm bi-sexual. And I realized that as long as I didn't tell Terry, I was still lying to myself... To everyone around me... Still, things stayed relatively the same ever since that night... I tried to ignore those feelings because I didn't want to risk it all. But I knew that at some point I wasn't able to deny it anymore... And that was the most confusing for me...