Loss-Chapter 1: An outstretched paw
#1 of Loss
Chapter 1: An outstretched paw
_Loosing a friend or a loved one is one of the hardest things to go through. As a teen, managing the feelings of grief while also managing the stress which comes along with being in high school, make it even harder to go through. Sometimes, however, a ray of hope is found in one of the most unexpected places. I've been through this personally and seen it done to others... this is my attempt to manage my own grief for my lost love...
To Exion Fox...1990 to 2006 _
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Xaven Book, at one time, was one of his teacher's favorite students. He was always on time; he had good grades, and was an active member of most school clubs as well as the school wrestling team. For a fox he was one of the more organized and best thought of in his school. His teachers all thought he would one day become a great member of society. It wasn't until after Christmas break did his attitude towards school and life in general begin to change.
It started with an absence on the Friday following the first week back to school. When he came back the following Monday, it seemed as though his entire personality had changed. The once social and outspoken vulpine had become quiet and disorganized. He began to loose track of assignments and get behind in his work for the first time since he started high school. That week he missed every single wrestling meet. His coach tried desperately to get a hold of him. But for some reason he couldn't reach him or his mother at home and eventually had to call him out of one of his classes to speak to him.
Coach Spotter had never had any trouble getting Xaven to come to meets. Most of the time he wondered how the boy managed to find so much free time with his AP classes to come to every practice and still manage a 3.7 GPA. He was first alerted by Xaven's absence, and then after further investigating, found that the fox had fallen behind in most of his classes as well. He often found that behavior such as that was somehow linked to either domestic disturbance, or in worst cases, sudden severe drug use. He thought that it might just be the workload catching up to him, but still wanted to talk to him to rule out any of the other possibilities.
After Coach Spotter sent the pass for Xaven to report to his office, it wasn't long before the fox entered through his door with a sulk to his stance. From the second he saw him then, Spotter knew that there was something really wrong. The once tidy hair of the fox was now a tangled mess. His stance was slightly off and he was sulked over with a look in his eyes as though he hadn't slept in days.
As he closed the door behind him, the horse behind the desk motioned for him to take a seat.
"Mornin, Mr. Book"
Xaven took a seat and ignored his greeting almost entirely, returning it only with the slightest of nods. The equine gave him a slight smile to see if he could coax a little emotion from the boy, but none was returned. He gave up and continued with the reason to the meeting.
"Xaven.. The reason I brought you here.."
The fox interrupted him, "It's about my absences from practices right?.."
Spotter gave him a puzzled look for a moment, "Not entirely, no."
He folded his hands on the desk, "Your teachers, as well as myself, have become concerned with both your sudden drop in attendance and academics."
There was still no reaction from the fox. "Xaven..? Look at me" His eye shot up for a moment. "What's going on? You've always been one of the best students, and I think the last time you were late was the beginning of your freshman year."
Xaven knew why he was here. The coach had always made a point for him to put school above sports, but he always knew that Spotter really didn't care how well he did in class as long as he got good enough grades to wrestle. He probably didn't even give a shit until he found out that Xaven's grades were dangerously close to pulling him off the team. He didn't really care.
Xaven bit his lip and looked down at the ground for a moment. His clothes were slightly ragged and needed to be washed, but that was a stupid thing to think about at the moment. He needed a shower. A nice cold shower to wash the feelings of guilt from his pelt, but that would have to wait.
"I think.. I think I really just need to lighten my load a bit, coach.. School, practice... it's all really starting to get to me, you know?"
He tried a look of innocents, hoping that the coach wouldn't see through it, and he didn't.
"Xaven... I understand how stressful all your classes are. I guess it will be alright if you miss a couple meets. At least until you get your grades back on track. Wadoya say, bud?"
Xaven nodded, a little quicker than he would have liked, but the coach bought it.
It was a long walk back to class. Xaven was drowning in his thoughts. When it happened, he didn't know what to feel. He sank back into his mind and forgot about everything. School seemed unimportant and he felt as though he never wanted to wrestle again. He had loved it before. Unlike the other foxes that excelled at sports like track and cross country, he had the strength to take down even the toughest opponents... and it felt good... Yet he still couldn't help but think,
"What if?..."
The thought bounced around his mind like a tetherball; forever revolving on a string that just won't catch. If he had only been there, by his friend's side... by his lover's side... he could have stopped him from taking the risk which took his life. He let out a long sigh before entering through the steel doorway, back into his AP Physics class where his friends went on with their care-free lives. They have yet to feel what real loss is; he envied them...
The rest of the day was as uneventful as the past weeks had been. Instead of patiently taking notes and listening to his teacher's lecture he slept like he had been since it happened. Sleep was his only escape. Each time the bell rang he would nonchalantly wander to his next class and repeat the process. It wasn't until his last class of the day when the bell rang and he slept through it. The class was an advanced course in computer programming, one of his favorites until recently. The teacher was a mild-minded kangaroo named Howard Läufer. He was a German immigrant and due to the complex pronunciation of his last name had all of his students refer to him as Mr. Looper. Although he was of German heritage, his accent wasn't quite as thick as one would expect, so most didn't see it. Looper had noticed Xaven's odd appearance and lack of participation in class. However, unlike his other teachers, he didn't dock him any points for sleeping. Mainly because, not to Xaven's knowledge, he had been at his friend's funeral, and had seen Xaven hiding in the back with tears streaming down his black-striped cheeks.
The day had been rather slow for the marsupial. He considered waking Xaven so he wouldn't miss his bus, but decided that today would be a good day to bring up what he knew had been causing his favorite fox so much pain. He sat patiently at his desk, sorting through files on their most recent project on object-based programming languages while he waited for Xaven to come to. He had also purposely disconnected the class's wireless router earlier that day to give an excuse to keep the vulpine after class.
When Xaven awoke, he didn't seem a bit worried that he had missed the bus; figuring that the walk home would give him more time to think before going home and indulging himself in the sweet pleasures of sleep once more. As he turned to grab his bag he heard the kangaroo clear his throat from behind his desk.
He turned his head enough to mutter a light, "Sorry, Mr. Looper." Before shifting his weight and heading for the door.
Before he could reach it his teacher touched his shoulder lightly and turned him, "Actually, I was wondering if I could keep you a moment after class, Xeffen.."
The fox looked up at him for a moment, expecting another speech like the ones he had gotten earlier from most of his other teachers, but instead of the serious and concerned look he was used to he was met with a friendly smile.
"I was hoping you would be able to help me out with a problem we're having with the network. It's been puzzling me all day" his smile widened a bit, though it still wasn't returned.
He motioned for the fox to follow him and Xaven let his backpack slide partially off his shoulder before stopping in mid step. This could be just some kind of trick to get him to talk about his participation level, or lack-there-of. He knew Looper well, and this might be his lame attempt at getting him to talk-Xaven didn't buy it.
"I really should get going, sir. My mom might be worried when I don't get off my bus."
The roo shrugged a bit, still smiling, "Another bus will be coming in about an hour. She will not worry too much, and I would really like it if I didn't have to deal with the school technician."
Xaven blinked for a moment then let his bag slide the rest of the way off his shoulder onto the cold cement floor of the classroom as he followed Looper to his desk. If he really was trying to get Xaven to come out with his feelings, the fox wouldn't let him.
Looper flipped open his notebook and pointed to the wireless symbol in the corner of the screen. "I seem not to be receiving the signal. I checked the router and it looked fine, and I tried reloading the drivers on my notebook, but it just won't connect."
He let out a frustrated sigh. "I need it to work, you know? I can't sit here at my desk all the time."
He smiled up at the fox and for once was returned with an interested stare. Xaven took a seat next to him and began scrolling through the laptop's control panel checking off possible problems with settings.
"It looks like your wireless card is working just fine. Assuming that all the network properties are set correctly for the school's router.."
The kangaroo could see a slight glimmer of intrigue that had been missing from his pupil since the day of his friend's death, and gave him a short nod. "Maybe it's the router, no?"
Xaven shrugged, "maybe..." He looked around the room. "Where is it exactly?"
Looper motioned to the top of his bookcase and Xaven started towards it,
"I'm sorry, by the way.."
Xaven stopped and turned his head slightly, "...For what?..."
The smile was gone from his teacher's face, "He was a good kid.. one of my favorites, close to you."
The fox took a sharp intake of air and he knew that there was no hiding it at this point, yet he remained silent.
"I was there.. At the funeral.. I saw you hiding in the back. Why did you not sit with everyone else?"
Xaven looked down and tried to fight back tears, "You don't know anything... You probably won't even care 6 months from now.. he's just another student to you.."
The kangaroo growled softly as he stared over his glasses at the young fox before him, "I knew him better than you think, Xeffen... When he had a problem, I was the one he talked to.. Why can't you do the same?"
The Vulpine turned towards him as a tear streamed slowly down his cheek. "Because it's something you wouldn't understand.. It's something no one can understand..alright?" Deciding that this is where the conversation ends, Xaven picked up his bag and walked out the door; not caring to listen for the kangaroo's reply on the way out.
Notes:
If anyone is still interested in this point, you get to find out the details of his friend's death in chapter 2. Not to spoil it, just to let you know that I didn't forget to mention it here. Felt like leading up to it.. *shrug* This is the first story I've managed to write since he died, so some feedback would be appreciated.