FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Sooooo its been a while... no promises. I hope I'm not too rusty for ya XD.

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Chapter 1

An Old and Empty House Sweet.

The soft smell of freshly cut grass was the first sensation I could acutely recover from the wave of nostalgia that threatened to overtake me as I stared at the rickety old home in the neighborhood I used to live in. I hadn't been back since my Junior year of high school when my family moved because my father got hired at a new hospital. I could never understand why he had to tear me away kicking and screaming from our home. When the successful transplant surgeon was always flying from hospital to hospital harvesting organs here and putting them in bodies there was there really any need to move? He was almost like a morbid Johnny Appleseed, I guess he saved more lives than that fellow anyway.

Cold. The hard heat leeching cement of the walkway riddled with patched cracks felt cold even through my feet as I took a few hesitant steps. I guess that was because it was an early morning in November but my memories swear to my husky paws that it used to scorch when I was young. I just knew it was the heart of the slightly less than presentable old two story Victorian style home that was missing. The life blood that turns property into a true home had been let out slowly from wounds that never seemed to heal for the poor individual inside.

Breathless. The next sensation that shot through me was a desperate crash of emotions that left me breathless. The knowledge of who was inside and the fact that I had been hired here had let loose a torrent of searing pain that I didn't know if I could contain within my usually stoic demeanor. Why would my old best friend need a psych nurse in his home? The fox was always the first to smile, encourage others, and let you know that you were irreplaceable. I've never even considered the possibility that he would need help like this before, and for once I was cursing the medical background that my family tended to adhere to. I didn't know if I could take another step towards that door, the three I had already taken seemed to be agonizing already. It's never been like this for any other patients that I had to take care of, even the ones that were sweet one moment and tore your heart out the next with vicious cruelty. I could always remain straight faced and unflinching. Then again I've never had a patient that I knew before the moment that they needed help. How can you stay detached if the strings are there before you even begin? Was it even possible for me to cut these bindings?

The next step forward is only taken when I remind myself why I took this job. The last nurse that helped Trist told me that I might be the only one that could help him because of my ties to his old and happy memories. The tired aging tigress had warned me that even though I might be the only one able to help him, it could end up hurting me more than helping him. How bad could it possibly be? I mean sure I read the psych workup, but the arthritic tigress's paws were apparently not as good as they used to be and I couldn't read a damn thing she wrote, so 'read' was entirely subjective at this point. I just had to help him; there was no way I couldn't. Despite the pay cut and the drastically lessened availability to help and equipment I had to do it. I couldn't let the snow white arctic fox spiral any longer.

"Habibi," I whispered to myself letting out a breath to relax myself and hopefully let the feeling of my breathing out put force back in my step so I could finally reach that large red door. The entry point that could have been peeling from years of neglect or the horror of what was inside, I didn't know. I was about to find out though.

It was like magic, I didn't even remember approaching the door after my breath sent my body in motion but as if by teleportation I was there. I rapped on the door three times, professional and cold. I was going to keep myself as distant as possible because even though Trist's body would open the door who knew if Trist would actually be there to respond when I told him his new nurse was here. A moment and a half later the door swung open on squeaky hinges and his violet eyes pierced right through me, my heart melted in the presence of my old lover and even older friend. There was no way I could do this.

"Hi there!" Trist's effervescent voice came in his own bright tenor, "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, it must be cold outside please, please come in." The old energy he had seemed to be the same as he continued to babble on an apology while unwittingly making me wait in the cold even longer, the irony wasn't lost on me as a small smile played itself across my face. Those ties I had to him seemed more like titanium and a whole lot less like string at this point. I hadn't ever let him go, but then again I don't think anyone lets their first love go.

"Its fine Trist," I half said half whispered. Then I noticed his eyes jump and his ears perk in surprise, even the darkening tips went ridged as he clasped his hands together.

"Oh! You know my name already! I guess Mrs. Sloan already told you then. I hope she didn't say anything too bad, I really really want to make my very best impression on the new nurse, my very very best." Wringing his wrists his joyful energy degraded into a nervous one through his explanation and my face recently adorned with a smirk darkened. He didn't remember me. I didn't know whether to feel saddened or overjoyed, I lost habibi but now I could do my job.

"Why yes she did Trist, she didn't tell me too much though. Why don't we head on inside and talk about why I'm here," I achieved with relative little emotion compared to the tides that swept me to and fro in front of his Victorian home.

"Oh! Oh my goodness I've left you outside again," he whipped around and took a step simultaneously ending in a catastrophic stepping on his tail and crashed to the floor. The long appendage that slowly shifted from white to grey, the tip looking like it had been dipped in rich ink used to be his most graceful appendage. He would have never stepped on the beauty before. Then shock went through me, I had no idea how he'd deal with the pain. What would he do? What would happen? Will he be ok? With no information on his condition how was I supposed to approach? Could I touch him? Help him up? Or would that trigger him and make him snap? "Owowowow," I heard him mutter. I hoped I could take a safe, soft approach and offer him a paw.

"Ouch that looks like it hurt," I let a small 'work' frown play across my face, "would you like some help up?" I waited, my paw extended for a response that might make Sigmund Freud turn over in his grave.

"Oh nononono I couldn't inconvenience you in such a manner." He stood slowly and dusted himself off. I couldn't help but notice how slim his arms had gotten, he looked so... frail. He turned more carefully and we stepped into his entry way. Stopping in the small quarter room he faced me and smiled.

"So then if you're alright would you mind if we sit?" I broke the silence as my brown paw motioned towards the grey couches off to the side of the room we had entered. It was strange, everything in the old home looked the same as I remembered it but different at the same time. The living room off to the left still had the same old hardwood floors and the same type of couches, in the same arrangement. Right down to the same old desk and grandfather clock that stood against the two walls of the room. The eerie thing was that everything that wasn't original had been replaced by a charcoal grey replica of what lay in my memory and all signs of life had been abolished. The pictures and flowers that used to adorn the desk whimsically were gone leaving it just empty. No empty seems too vague a word, the room felt... hollow.

"Of course of course!" he broke my train of thought, "Make yourself comfortable and I'll be right back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. I'm quick as a bunny I tell ya," with a broad smile and a wink the flash of white darted off towards what my memory told me was the kitchen. Now I had a choice to make, should I follow him? He was alone earlier and he was fine. He should be fine. I hope he'll be fine. So with a half resolve I made my way over to one of the grey couches and neatly poised myself at the edge of it. Tense and at the ready, so much for a relaxing sit.

The sounds of drawers opening and closing in the kitchen put me a bit at ease. Maybe he was getting himself a glass of water? Or making us coffee, he was always very fond of it. The amount of the black liquid he used to drink would make most poor soles go into a caffeine induced frenzy and swallow their own head. I chuckled lightly at the memory of his 'thunder sized' coffee travel mug.

Unease slowly began to settle back in, there were no more drawers being opened and closed and he was taking an awfully long time. I twiddled my thumbs and began to count to ten, if he wasn't back by then I would go get him... Damn, ten had come and there was no noise still. I bolted upright and quickly took off towards the kitchen; briskly walking into the space I almost had a heart attack.

There was blood everywhere and he was sitting on the floor, tears streaming down his face. His tail, oh my god his beautiful tail! Trist was holding a knife and slowly cutting through the halfway point on his tail where it began to fade to grey. I don't know what was more frightening, seeing him covered in blood or not hearing a noise from him. The same could not be said for me. I screamed.

You have to understand, patients in the hospital that I help are often seen after surgery and their stitched up all nice and new. No huge signs of the self mutilation, with the exception of a few scars or bandages from surgery, and they are kept under careful watch having no opportunity to damage themselves. Seeing this, habibi, I just, I couldn't help it. Tears flowed through my eyes as I lunged forward dangerously and grabbed the knife from his hand.

"I'm so sorry, all I wanted to do was make a good impression on my new nurse," he cried and wiped the tears from his violet eyes, leaving a smear of blood in its wake. Not helping my sobbing at all seeing his body and face smeared with blood. "My stupid tail, it's such a failure causing me to trip like that. I can't have failures around someone as nice as you, you can't be tainted," he was shaking and all I could do was hold him.

I put the bloody knife down at my side and latched onto him with both arms, we were both sitting on the floor, crying. With all my years of training as a nurse I knew what to do; I just couldn't will myself to leave him. I couldn't put pressure on the wound, I couldn't raise the wound above his head, and I couldn't triage the wound and estimate how bad it was. I did the only thing I could do at the moment, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone and dialed 911. Not leaving him once, I just hoped the dispatcher could hear me through my sobs.

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"WHAT!!" I shouted at the straight faced ward clerk, the equine had refused to let us get treatment for Trist's wound. It hadn't been deemed 'life threatening' and the jammed packed Lincoln memorial teaching hospital emergency room couldn't spare the bed for someone who was about to lose his tail. A tail wasn't a vital appendage like an arm or a leg after all, but habibi's tail was beautiful. It was a trademark for him, the very essence of his grace, beauty, and dignity were personified in how he used to carry that silly too long tail. I couldn't let him lose it. "We've been sitting here for 30 minutes, 30 GOD DAMN minutes with only gauze over his tail. He'll lose it and all you can say is 'sorry it just isn't a priority'!?!" I was beside myself in anger. I was at some point in the red sea of anger far beyond the line of furious. My head was far below the surface of liquid emotion and the tides that carried my heart swept my actions to and fro. Eventually, after all my shouting, something in me snapped and nurse Hardman broke through the surface of the sea I was apparently drowning in.

"Fine," the calmness in my voice broke her stoic face, the equine was now obviously worried because of my complete 180 in demeanor, you could see it in the slight dilation of her pupils and the subtle flick of her ear, too bad for her I couldn't care less about what she was worried about. Trist was bleeding in a chair and with so much blood loss we were getting stares from the others in the waiting room, the janitor looked like he was on standby so as soon as Trist moved he could mop up the puddle of blood that had formed underneath the fox's seat.

I don't know what to say about Trist, I was painfully aware he was more worried about inconveniencing me than about the loss of his tail and while his psyche bothered me and had to be dealt with the priority was making sure he was physically ok before I could take care of him mentally.

"If you can't get him taken care of I'll do it myself," I let the clerk know as I walked away from her counter to where Trist was hanging his head in shame. Now I wasn't a surgeon, obviously I was a psych nurse who didn't have to usually cope with fresh open wounds but at this point he will lose his tail and the closest hospital to this one is another 30 minutes away. 30 minutes he doesn't have if he wants to keep the appendage.

"Sir," the nurse called after me, "sir!"

"I may not have a MD but I know a thing or two about medicine, in fact a whole hell of a lot more than you and your 3 month career training class that needed nothing more than a high school diploma so if I were you I would shut your mouth or call security because suturing his wound, no matter how poorly will be better than letting the tissue in his tail deteriorate extensively," my anger slowly crept back into my voice as I was speaking to her. One blue and one brown tear welled up when I turned away from her. I had to let the damn break as I hurried over to Trist and even though fresh water was flowing I had a clear head. I knew what I was going to do.

"Hey there hun," I whispered to him and he raised his head enough to acknowledge he was listening to me but he wouldn't meet my gaze , "I just want to tell you I'll be right back with supplies and we'll get you taken care of ok?"

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "You-you don't have to. It would be too much of an effort for you to save it. It's all right, I promise, just so long as you're not mad at me. I just want my nurse to like me, please like me." I grabbed his chin and forced him to look me in the eyes even with the dried blood smearing his face still. He tried to avoid my gaze but it was impossible for him, just as impossible as it was for me to not save his tail.

"Sit tight and I won't be mad at you ok?" he just nodded and I took off. I knew this hospital better than I cared to remember, it was where I used to sit every day after school waiting for either my mom or dad to get off from work to take me home. The elementary and middle schools in the area were closer to the hospital than they were to my house at the time so I would just walk there and wait.

Sure I wasn't a good little pup at first, what did one expect I was a child at the time, so I got caught exploring the various rooms in the hospital by the staff several times. It wasn't until I finally got caught by my mother going through the drawers in one of the post operation trauma rooms that I was punished severely enough for me to be a well behaved boy and just sit for the hour or so in one of the waiting rooms. That exploration during my childhood served me no good at the time, but now it was worth any level of reprimand my mother could have brought to bear. I didn't need to remember specifics, my memories from way back when weren't that good, I just needed general ideas of what areas were where. That would dictate what supplies were available for me to high jack from the rooms.

"Bingo," I whispered barging into a room that was, thankfully, empty. Guess they didn't have enough staff but more than enough rooms. The least they could have done is set Trist up in a bed, rather than let him bleed out all over the emergency room waiting chairs. Making a bleeding man wait while he lost an appendage! That was more than heartless, that was unacceptable!

Breathe. Top left drawer, sterile needle thankfully a small gauge and suture thread, mid drawer second row disinfectant, gauze, and a cotton cloth. No numbing agent, but oh well it's the best I can do for now. Trist could handle physical pain.

The doubts that I could actually do this suture for Trist never really entered my mind for any extended period of time. Doubts don't do anything for you except cloud your judgment. Instead of thinking 'I can't do it' you need to think of what might happen wrong. Diverting one type of negativity for another is an easy mental step, but this negativity can be combated. For each problem my mind can come up with that legitimately pertains to this minor surgery that I'm about to perform it prepares me by thinking through responses. I have a plan of action in case of each faux pas that may occur.

Only now does it strike me as odd that registered nurses are never taught how to suture a wound as part of their medical training. Even with my advanced degree in psychiatric mental health I've never been exposed to proper suturing technique. I guess nobody thought I'd ever need to. Honestly I hadn't needed to until this point.

Approaching Trist who had his head down was more difficult than I thought. Nurse Hardman was being overtaken by Christian Hardman. That was dangerous. Christian Hardman had never let his first love go, could cause no harm to Trist, and would break down in tears at the sight of his broken beauty, not nurse Hardman. Breathe in, push the emotions out. Nurse Hardman can suture a wound on the poor fox's tail without a numbing agent. As a nurse I could do this. As myself I could do this. For Trist I would do this.

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*holds up eyepatch in case of clawed out eye*