Stay the Horse
#1 of Comedies
And now some humor. A long while back, I read a hilarious short story called "Pact with the Devil", that got me thinking about the wonderful world of writing, trying to make it big, and getting that "thanks but no thanks" form letter. Yes, I got that letter quite often. ^^
A zany tale told in letters and interoffice memos. Make sure you read it carefully...there is a punchline waiting... Hopefully this doesn't turn off all you aspiring writers out there...
After all...your souls are quite safe, right? >:-)
June 10, 2010
Malfeasance Publications 125 Rockway Avenue, Suite 200 New York, New York 10280
Dear Editor:
Enclosed please find my short story, "On Becoming a Horse", about a man who makes a deal with the Devil, but is tricked, and subsequently is slowly turned into a horse, and must learn to adjust to his new life as the changes unfold. I hope you find it a joy to read, and something to add to your next anthology.
Regards,
Terrance Crawford 342 Mourningside Lane Albany, New York 10098
Peter:
Here's another story for the anthology, what do you think? I read through it. It's not that bad.
Mark Lawton
Hi Mark:
Crap, not another transformation story. Forget it, got enough of those in the sci-fi market to choke a horse, pardon the pun. We're not interested, but thank him for his time.
Peter Sinnic Chief Editor, Malfeasance
Dear Mr. Crawford:
Thank you for your wonderful story, "On Becoming a Horse", but while it is a brilliant story, Malfeasance really has no interest to include this for publication at this time. We wish you the best success in future endeavors.
All the best,
Mark Lawton Associate Editor, Malfeasance
June 19, 2010
Dear Editor:
Please find enclosed my new story, "The Horse on 42nd Street". This one is about a prostitute who makes a deal with the Devil, and is tricked into accepting a new life - only she's slowly turning into a horse, and now has to figure out how her life will ever get back to normal. I hope you enjoy this one.
Regards, Terrance Crawford
Peter:
Um , I got another story from this guy. Again, it's not a bad read at all, pretty good story. What do you want me to do?
Mark
Mark:
This is just another transformation story. Forget it, not worth our time. Please kindly inform Mr. Crawford that we have no real interest in transformations.
Peter
Dear Mr. Crawford:
Thank you for showing us "The Horse on 42nd Street", but we really are not looking for stories of this type for our anthology. We suggest another topic. We'd like to see what else you can do.
Best wishes, Mark Lawton
June 28, 2010
Dear Mr. Lawton:
Thank you for your feedback. I may have something else here you will like. I have enclosed "Par for the Horse", a short story about a pro-golfer who makes a deal with the Devil to improve his game, and ends up becoming a horse, while struggling to still stay on the pro-circuit. I think you will love it, and your readers will too!
Regards,
Terrance Crawford
Peter...you are not going to believe this. The horse-lover is back, and he's got yet another story here. Again, he's got great talent and I love his creativity. Think we can make an exception here? Could be a fine writer in the making!
Mark
Mark, nothing doing! I told you to inform him of our limits and our current needs. Don't come to me with another horse story, PLEASE. I've had it with these! God!
Peter
Dear Mr. Crawford:
I would like to thank you for sending "Par for the Horse" to us, but we really cannot accept transformation stories for publication. Your work is wonderful and a joy to read, but we must insist that you try to find another genre altogether to write about.
Best, Mark Lawton
July 15, 2010
Dear Mr. Lawton:
Thank you for your generous advice. I have a new short story here, about a man who makes a deal with the Devil, and he is tricked into switching places with his racehorse, who then goes on to win the Kentucky Derby. I call it "On the Right Horse".
Best, Terrance Crawford
Peter...he's back, I gotta tell you, this is getting a little weird for me. How can a guy write so many wonderful fantasy stories about a horse transformation? Seriously, I'm spooked.
Mark
Mark, just don't bother with him anymore. He's obviously a psycho. Pitch his name in the round file and alert the postal boys downstairs to immediately trash anything that comes from him. I've had it.
Peter
Peter, I had a thought...it's crazy but, wouldn't it be hilarious if this guy really DID make a deal with the Devil, and he's got to get a short story about a horse transformation published before HE gets turned into one? Wouldn't that be hysterical?
Mark
Mark, you're getting delusional. First of all, live in the real world, okay? Secondly, don't let this yahoo affect you like this. You're one of my best editors. Don't get goofy on me.
Peter
Dear Mr. Crawford:
I have been advised to inform you to stop sending stories to Malfeasance Publications. They are no longer welcome here, and we urge you to please cease and desist from contacting us anymore.
I am sorry.
Regards,
Mark Lawton
Peter, it's been a month now. Maybe he finally got the message...
Mark
Yes, well, maybe he's been turned into a horse now, and is unable to write anything. LOL! Get back to work, you bum. :-)
Peter
October 1, 2010
From:
Sunshine Center Stables 453 Sweet Canyon Road Albany, New York 10098
To:
Malfeasance Publications 125 Rockway Avenue, Suite 200 New York, New York 10280
Deer Ehtor:
Pleese see new story about horse who turn into house-painter. Nice, you like read. It called "Come a Pail Horse". Good story, good boy...
Terrrrance
Peter...um... oh, nevermind...look, can I take my vacation time now?
Mark
END