Flawed Affection
---- Flawed Affections ----
From the outside looking in, it may appear as though I was a happy... I mean, I should be happy... right? I was a fox fortunate enough to be born to talented parents, both of which graced me with a skill and cunning unmatched by any other animal vulpine or otherwise that I've yet to encounter so far... A fox fortunate enough......
"Yes... Harder... Hump your vixen harder..."
I wonder why I've heard some foxes refer to this act as 'love making'. I feel no love right now... Maybe some physical pleasure, but is that love?
"So good... So good to be mated... Yes... Yes. Yes! I'm... I'm cumming! You cum too! Cum inside your vixen!"
That female howling under me? Her name is Vain, and she's my mate. We've been together for more than six separate seasons now, and it was a match made by the Kitsunes themselves; or so I've been told a hundred times over by every fox I knew... Well, she was two forepaws down the most beautiful vixen to ever grace my eyes; visually perfect in every way with sleek curves and silky soft fur. But shouldn't there be more to it than that? I don't know... It's just... Just......
"Nnnn..." I groan as I continue to hump into her behind and my white liquids begin squirting out of my body and into hers, an extraordinary physical pleasure gripping my body as I in turn tighten my forelegs grip around Vain's waist to lunge my hindquarters forward and plant my seed deep inside the farthest depths of an excited vixen vagina; the fertile male essence flooding into her lower belly for seemingly the thousandth time, it remained a dark, fleshy abyss that has yet to yield a single kit for us.
"Maybe... Maybe this time you're ineffective seed will work..." She laughs while panting.
Rolling my eyes at her comment, I slowly backpedal off her form to dismount.
Truly, she's never even wanted cubs... 'If you think I'm going to squeeze something THAT size out of me... and then let some annoying little kits suckle my teats until they sag to the ground... Well, then you're just crazy! No way am I going to risk ruining this beautiful body of mine!' Is what she had barked at me when I first mentioned the idea to her.
It took some time, but I did finally convince her to let us try for some; I met her half way and found another female who said she'd be willing to let our cubs drink milk from her nips instead; more than a bit embarrassed while having to go around asking several vixens for such a thing as that... But for some reason, all attempts to plant those little kit seeds inside Vain to try and have them grow and then come out, well... Let's just say those attempts have been 'in vain' in that other sense of the word as well.
I know it's... I know it's horrible to say this... But I don't think I love her at all... We became mated so fast and without even really knowing each other at the time, and I don't know... She turned out to be kind of a rumphole... She's not even the kind of fox that I would say I like and could be friends with, let alone a fox that I love... Whatever love means... Honestly I don't think I've experienced such a kind of feeling before yet. At least not in the way a male loves a female at least I mean... Not in the way my mother and father used to look at each other with such distinct, sparkling eyes of admiration... Almost as if they were deeply connected in a sort of non-tangible, indescribable sort of way. I'd like to know what that kind of bond and love feels like...
"Well... See yeah later sweetie! I got uhh... Vixen things to do!" Vain tells me as she promptly begins to trot off towards the woods and away from the clearing we were currently in; a secluded sort of opening in the forest where we would often come to mate.
"Right... I guess I'll see you later tonight at the den then?"
"Maybe! I might be out all night again though!" She barks back at me as she continues to walk off and widen the distance between us, and then I hear her laughing as she disappears out of view completely behind some trees; leaving me all by my lonesome with only my thoughts to keep me company as usual, my physical state of being once again became matched by the cold solitude of my emotional one. I don't quite know where that vixen spends the majority of her time, oddly enough, nor do I seem to care...
Maybe it's my lack of love towards Vain, or perhaps her unwillingness to actually want kits or show any real sort of affection or caringness towards me whatsoever... I guess I really couldn't say exactly why we were unable to have cubs; especially when every other mated fox couple seemed to acquire them only after a short period of time of being together. My life just feels so very unfulfilled and lacking... And I'm not a happy fox... I'm really not......
"Hey! Who's there?!" I quickly bark upon hearing a quiet rustling of leaves and catching a glimpse of orange fur out of the corner of my eye; simultaneously turning my head and jumping my body around to face myself directly towards the bush where the sound came from.
Suddenly the loud shaking of branches fills the air as some fox frantically tries to escape, and I dart towards them in pursuit so I can confront them about spying on me.
"Eeep!"
I hear a high pitched yelp and then the thumping of a body tumbling against the forest floor as I continue to chase the unknown vulpine, when suddenly I am met with the feminine figure of a vixen's white furred underbelly; four legs sprawled out every which way and a cute little rear end propped slightly up into the air, her head lay on the ground and faced away on its side; remaining slightly out of view as I catch a whiff of one very distinct, specific kind of female scent.
"Were you watching me mate with my vixen?! I can smell your wetted arousal in the air as well! Watching us while pawing at yourself were you?! Such an inappropriate and yiffy thing to do! Don't you have a mate of your own?! Why would you do such a-- Such a..." I begin barking as she gets back up onto all four paws to recompose herself and still keeps her face turned away from me while doing so, but then quickly stop saying anything at all as I slowly walk around to her front side to find tears swelling up underneath her eyes and a kind of face like I've never seen.
"You think that anyone would ever want to be my mate? Now you can see this face... My body... You must realize now how no fox could ever love me in that way... Or as a friend, or any way at all... You must realize how very stupid you were to even suggest such a thing... And It's true...I'm just some sick and perverted, disfigured, worthless vixen... I'm sorry you had to see such an ugly fox... I think I will... Just go... Drown myself in that river near by... It will be my punishment... Alright? Or maybe you would like to end me yourself? Go ahead, no fox will even care or notice that I'm dead and gone..." She tells me in an extraordinarily heartfelt manner, just pouring these kinds of raw sad emotions towards me that I am able to somehow physically feel as they resonate in my own body; my heart breaking as she forces this wave of sorrow upon me, it appeared as though hers has already been completely shattered.
Laying down before me with tears now welled up and rolling down her cheek fur to send salty water falling to the dirt below, she then covers her face with the forepaws as I shift too and sit down while intently gazing along the length of her form to get a good look at her; her right ear half gone, I also now notice she had three large scars running along the back and sides of her body; two of the left over wound markings were so long they even appeared to connect all the way up to the more prominent gashes across her face, as the third one just ran a short course on the upper left side of her body.
Changing to a light pouting now, hear crying lets up a bit as she moves her forepaws to rest them on either side of her muzzle on the ground as she stares up at me with a kind of sincere, longing, sad look that I've never seen before on any fox in my entire life, and I continue to examine her further; being able to see her face clearly now, I could see how one of her scars began near the left side of her face just above the base of her muzzle where it luckily missed her left eye, while the other cut started much lower at her lower right cheek; both of the cuts haphazardly going upwards from there designated starting points until eventually crisscrossing on the top left side of her forehead head next to the base of her left ear, they then once again went their separate ways from there to travel through the more thick orange fur down the right side of her body and upper back, before finally both fading along her rear end; no fur grew along any of the scars at all, and it did indeed make for a somewhat odd appearance, but I wouldn't say that it was one I didn't like... Despite all them, I actually found her rather cute. And in some inexplicable way, I found her utterly compelling as well. Captivating really...
"You...... It can't be that bad... Please don't be so willing to throw your life away like that..." I attempt to console her, struggling to find the right words.
"It is that bad! Aren't you listening?! No one cares! You have no idea what this gut wrenching loneliness feels like! Every single day just brings pain!"
"That's... That's not true... I care... I don't even know you, but... I care... I don't want you to be sad! So please cheer up!" I tell her; wanting nothing more at this moment than to make this depressed vixen happy.
"Oh sure, you can say that. But I know you don't mean it... Your life is perfect and amazing. It's all easy and good for you... You have love, you have--"
"That's not true!" I interrupt her. "I don't have love... Don't have a perfect or amazing life..." I confess the sorry state of my reality to this fox who I don't even know; finding it awkward how surprisingly easy it was to open up to her, but mostly feeling insanely good that I was finally able to someone how I had truly been feeling for so long now; also I found myself quite enjoying how I am able to empathize with her on that feeling of not being loved or genuinely cared for by any fox at all, I too have been feeling gut wrenching lonely pain she mentioned...
"What would you know?! You have a mate! I have to touch myself because no other fox will! Gorgeous fur... Perfect features... All you've known your entire life is the warmth of others surrounding you kindly, whereas all that I've known is an unwelcomed, unforgiving cold......" She tells me before begins to start up crying more deeply again, and then gets up and walks towards me. "Please... Just... End my suffering..." She goes on as she continues to walk directly into me and presses the back of her neck against the ends of my muzzle lips before casually inserting it inside of my maw as I stand there dumbfounded and stunned. "I pray that I might find warmth in a Kitsune embrace..."
"I will not!" I mumble around her neck as I slowly back up and try to get away from her.
"Do it!" She cries while sidestepping into me and pressing the back of her neck into my open muzzle with the full force of her body; her neck now uncomfortably pushing against the inside of my maw as I scramble backwards and find a tree with my rear end, I then anxiously lean against bark with my back before slowly slouching downwards and laying on my in the dirt instead as I try to escape from her.
Feeling quite distressed with having such a surprising and unsettling thing happening, I am at a loss of how to react for a moment, but then quickly decide to start licking at the nape of her neck as best I can with my tongue's limited mobility to see if that would get some sort of reaction from her; not having any intent of fulfilling her ridiculous request.
"Sss... Stop!" She complains. "You're supposed to bite! Not lick!"
Slowly backing up a few paces and releasing the back of her neck from my maw, she then quickly shuffles around before coming back and pressing the more tender underside of her throat against the ends of muzzle lips instead; but I grit my teeth to prevent her from entering this time, determined to not let her back inside; determined to help this depressed vixen in any way I possibly can...
"No! You're the one who needs to stop!" Turning my head to the sides so that I can talk without getting her neck within my muzzle, our left cheeks press together hard as I bark a delayed response and wrap my forelegs around her upper chest pull her downwards to the ground and make her lay on her right side next to me. "Listen! You don't have to be alone anymore! I will be your friend! I will care for you!" I tell her while gripping her as tight as I can and pressing our chests firmly together; not seeming to be able to contain my own emotions as begin crying on her shoulder; perhaps absorbing her sad feelings with my own body, or maybe just realizing how very alone I too feel in this world, hugging her now I felt oddly happy and extremely amazing; it was as if all those negative feelings were finding their way out with my tears and I was being freed of them.
"Liar!" She suddenly barks before squirming and wriggling furiously downwards against my hugging forelegs to free herself; gradually breaking my hold of her and any sort of moment we had together along with it as she quickly stands and runs a few paces away before then stopping and staring at the ground; facing away from me as she seems to start crying heavily again and I watch drops of liquid sorrow fall onto the dirt and leaves. "No one would ever want to be my friend... Why would you even say such a thing... You really are a cruel fox... You know that?"
"I mean it! Honestly! I don't want you to have to feel the way you do anymore! I know how it feels! And I want to take that hurt away from you! I want to make you happy and be your friend who genuinely cares for you! I want--!"
"Liar! Liar!! LIAR!!!" She interrupts me to yip and barks in response.
Tears still rolling down her eyes, she sadly looks back towards me for a brief few seconds, squints her eyes shut and then turns back forward as she suddenly begins running away from me.
"Wait! Come back!" I yell to her as I quickly give chase after her. "At least tell me your......" I start to say as I notice Vain come trotting towards me from seemingly out of nowhere; my short sprint towards the nameless, scarred and depressed vixen coming to a halt as the seemingly flawless female that was my mate approaches and stops my voice and actions.
"Who was that?" Vain asks.
"I... I don't know... A lonely and depressed fox with deep gash marks all over her body..."
"Oh, that one vixen?"
"Yeah, do you know her? What's her name?"
"I wouldn't say I know her... I've just seen her wondering around in the forest before. But who cares what her name is? I wish she'd go find some place further away to live, yeah know? Some place where we wouldn't have to see her ugly body... I mean, it's just so grotesque! She should have a little bit of consideration for other foxes, don't you think? No one here wants to see that horrible, unsettling face of hers."
"You know what? No... Just no... I've had enough of your behavior and attitude. You really are just a heartless monster of a vulpine, Vain... And it's YOU who disgusts me... Not her... And I actually DO want to see her face... I could tell there was something so very special and beautiful behind it when I looked into her deep, sincere eyes... YOU are the one who is ugly and grotesque, but on the inside, where it matters. When I look into your eyes, I find no depth... When I look at your form, I see a shallow facade of beauty.
"How dare you speak to me like that! You have been yiffing that sorry excuse for a vixen haven't you?! How long?! Giving her all of your seed?! There must be hardly any left once you get to me! No wonder we can't have kits!"
"I would never...... But why couldn't or why shouldn't I?! What we have isn't love... It isn't anything! I want to know what it feels like to mate with someone I love for once! Maybe not have it be so meaningless feeling like it always is with you! You never want to cuddle after! Never want to--"
"Hah! Cuddle after?!" Vain interrupts. "Maybe you'd like it if I had a sheath and a pair of furry balls of between my hind legs! You'd like that wouldn't you?!" She goes on to taunt while turning around and wiggling her behind at me. "Sometimes I think you'd make a better vixen than me! Haha! Bwuahaha!"
With that, she just laughed and laughed as she walked away until vanishing behind some trees, and it felt as though it was finally over between us; a vague, contested ending for what seemed a long and tiring pursuit to maintain a meaningless sort of bond, so easily it seemed our weak emotional ties were severed.
"Ahhh..." I sigh in relief, feeling as though a great weight had been lifted off of me.
Finally free of the mental burden and constant negative sort of toll Vain seemed to constantly inflict on my mind, that one other strange vixen seem to come to fill all thoughts with a different sort of empathetic hurt, and my heart began to ache for her... She was just so sad, so alone seeming... I have been utterly alone all this time too, I realize that now. Maybe not physically, but there in my chest, it has always felt a distinct lacking of some sort. A lacking of love it had to be...
My painful heart turns to one fast beating as I continue to think about that odd female fox, and a subtle warmness floods my body as all dark emotions dissipate; I hardly knew her at all, and we had only just met, but was able to glimpse out how horrible she must feel and already establish a sort of heartfelt bond there; I don't want her to be alone or to feel that pain anymore, it must be so much worse than mine ever was...
I can't help but begin to get teary eyed as I think back to what happened, how she so genuinely and honestly wanted me bite into her neck to end her life... And I slowly feel this great turmoil of strong varying emotions manifesting itself into a force of a will as I realize what I must do. My being becoming fixed, determined, and focus in an extremely powerful sort of way, I raise my head up high with a definitive purpose as I scout the area for any sign of her; because it is to her that I now dedicate my life to...
Finding my troubled vixen nowhere in sight, I quickly run over to where we had our little exchange earlier, but find no trace of her there either; not even finding so much as a lingering scent for me to follow... Suddenly I remember her mentioning something about the river nearby, and so sprint towards the faint sound of rushing water to see if I might be able to catch her there; four legs moving as swiftly as they possibly can to get me to that familiar streaming torrent of which I knew so well, my heart sinks as I remember what she relatively foreign fox I was pursuing said she would do there. All that I am so wrapped up and interwoven into her already, I felt as though my own life was now in danger as the sounds of moving liquids began to get louder and louder.
*SPLASH*
Hearing the sound of something large smack against a watery surface, I arrive at the river just in time to see the form of one depressed vixen turn into a blurred orange streak going silently by the bottom of carved out, clear liquid filled rock.
Without hesitance, I bound into the river after her to dive down and swim towards her non-struggling body with the vigor of a starving wolf going after a lifesaving meal; summoning every ounce of strength my body could muster up, I exert it all towards saving the vixen. Managing to reach her, I sink my teeth into the scruff of her neck before quickly paddling upwards so that I can get air back inside her; but upon breaching the surface, I am met with voiced exhales from the female fox rather than gasps of air...
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" She complains; her body now finally struggling, but aiming to go back downwards into the water rather than stay above and make her way to shore as I swim with all my might to drag her there myself.
"Sabing you..." I to tell her with a maw full of fur and loose flesh; thank the Kitsunes for designing such a place to grab ahold of another for situations like this.
"I don't want to be saved!" The vixen continues to whine, her legs flailing about and splashing against the water as we reach land and I pull her up onto solid dirt and grass.
Free from the river, both of us were now dripping wet with fur heavily soaked, and so I quickly shake myself in attempt to get dry; sending water droplets every which way while doing so, I receive a steady, unforgiving glare from one disgruntled female fox as her face is sprinkled upon and forced to blink a bit; the vixen laying completely still on the bank with ears folded back and eyes that just didn't make sense to me, she was the absolute strangest kind of fox I've ever encountered before in my life, but there was something I intensely liked about that.
"Why... I'm not worth saving... I'm not worth much of anything... I'm worthless..." She tells me in the saddest sort of tones as her steady staring at me stops and she breaks eye contact to completely to turn her head away from me; and then I hear her start whimpering as she breaks into tears once more.
"You're not worthless! Come on! Cheer up!" Hesitantly walking forward and closer towards her prone form, I try and console her as best I can with my words.
"How would you know? You know nothing about me... You know nothing of what it's like to be alone... To feel so completely unloved and uncared for... As I've told you. You've known only the warmth of other foxes; only the warmth of your mate... Look at you, you're gorgeous and have an amazing life. I am not, and I do not... I'm broken.... Flawed in more ways than one... I am garbage... A piece of trash that he will come to use again because he knows he can..." Sitting down before her as she lets loose a barrage of emotional distress, my heart feels as though it's being clawed at with each sad sentence; truly I am able to feel her words strike at me as I empathize with this vixen who I've somehow become so very connected to, and I watch onward as she continues to talk and her laying form tightens up into a ball; her tears and sobbing increasing as she mentions 'he', whoever that is.
"Please... I can't take the loneliness anymore... I can't have that happen again... Please...... Just... End me..." Continuing on, I watch as she slowly uncurls her body and rolls over onto her back to expose her undersides, and more obviously her neck as she aims her muzzle straight up and lays the top of her head flat against the ground.
All of her sorrowful emotions seeming to grip my very being and paralyze it for a moment as I sit here staring down at her, I slowly regain my fortitude and recompose myself a bit as her tears seem to finally cease, and her eyes close as she calmly lays in her new position seemingly waiting for death.
Getting up and walking forward until my head is next to hers, I lie down and begin to lick and lick at the fur of her exposed throat to try and soothe her; no intention of fulfilling her request
"Again with the licking... Why do you taunt and tease me so..." She tells me in an unrattled, steady voice before deeply sighing in a defeated manor.
"You're all wet. I'm going to help you dry off, because that's what friends do."
"You said that before too, back then... That you wanted to be my friend? Why? What could you possibly gain? What could I possibly have to offer you? Have you grown tired of your vixen and need a new one to hump? Would you like to use my body in that way? Because I don't think I would mind it so badly if it were you... I--"
"No!" I quickly interrupt. "I will not use you in that way! I will not use you at all! I don't... I don't expect or need to gain anything from being your friend... I just... Just hate to see you sad and act the way you do... It pains me to see you the way you are......" I begin to explain before pausing for a moment. "I don't want you to have to feel alone or unloved..." Nuzzling the left side of my face into her neck fur, it is now I who begins to cry again; all of my negative and horrible emotions erupting once more and bubbling to the surface, it seemed as though this vixen had that sort of effect on me. "I want to supply you with all of the warmth I can give... I want to love you... That's all I want..."
Deep down inside my core was a fox so very malnourished of love myself. All previous friendships, and especially my mateship with Vain... they all had seemed to end up as something entirely shallow in the end and always felt severely lacking. I couldn't quite figure out why that was until now, indeed they were always lacking love and that deep feeling of caring. And a forever lasting, irreversible and ever present kind of love and caring I mean... Not the fleeting, short lived love that makes your heart pound when you see a cute vixen, and not the kind where you can tell they are only in it for themselves... In all of that I believe a sort of 'love usage' is what really happens. Where foxes will love the feeling of love they receive and do everything to acquire it, but no truly and genuinely love each other the way they should... I believe love is tricky and something very complex like that, but viewing it like that, I can understand it so clearly now...
Oddly, as fully express my most deepest feelings I had towards this delightfully strange and alluring vixen and then sort all of my thoughts and emotions, I suddenly feel as though I don't even need love anymore at all... Rather, all that matters to me is that I send my love outwards and into this vixen, and that is all I truly care about and desire. I can feel now to the core of my being that this is real, true love was supposed to be approached all along. I know to the core of my being that inevitably some fox will love me back in the same way if I do this too... And then, our love that we obtain together will not be a selfish, egotistical kind of love where you are expecting or demanding love back in return, but it will be a freely emanating love without restraint, condition or limits; an ultimate, perfect love that will be able touch to the very center of another's being. That is what I have been lacking this entire time... the feeling of another fox's touch kindly brushing up against my soul for no other reason than to allow me to experience their love. It would be an act done only for me and that would expect nothing in return, just as I will now live only for her, regardless of if she decides to love me back.
Wrapping my forelegs around one lonely and unloved vixen soon not to be, I know now exactly how to fulfill what that vague dedication I had made to her before; I will invest myself into who she is by devoting my heart and my mind to always being involved with hers.... I will do everything in my power to fix her problems and to make her happy in this life... With all that I am leaning towards her, I wish to spill and leak my soul into her in attempt to drown her in my love. I ask for nothing in return, I do this because nothing in the world would make me happier... Just thinking about doing it makes me warm and fills me with love......
"I love you..." I whisper to her, not being able to help but say it with how I am feeling right now, my heart pounding hard against her chest as I feel the powerful emotion coursing through my body; I can only hope she feels the sincerity in my voice and the emotion itself that I am trying to seep into her being and make her feel.
"You lo--... love me?" She shakily replies.
"I will care for you from now on... However I possibly can, and in every way you'd like me too, I will be there for you, because I love you... I will not have you being alone, and I don't ever want to see you become so depressed to the point where you are trying to end yourself... So please...... I want to make you happy... I want to make you feel loved... I want that more than anything in the world... I know I hardly know you, and it may seem strange to you, but this is really how I feel..."
"I..." She fumbles to respond. "How could you say that! You're... You're mated! You really know how to get what you want don't you! Saying those things... You just want to hump me! You just--"
Before she can continue any further, I lean my head forward and press the ends of my muzzle lips to hers; my tongue gently finding its way inside her maw and licking and licking at her own silky soft mouth organ as it hesitantly retreats deeper inside, I simultaneously shift my forelegs higher along her form as I place both of my forepaws on the back of her head to intimately embrace her there; digits lightly wiggling against the back of her ears to pet her, it was as if I were kissing a vixen for the first time... I felt passion... I felt a vivid, meaningful love...
"Nnnn..." She whines in a pleasured, whimpering sort of tone as I feel her tongue begin gently licking back against mine and her forelegs embrace me in turn as they wrap around my upper body; tears rolling down the sides of her face fur as she lies on her back with maw's lips straight up in the air and pressing against mine, I gently break our kiss to lick downwards along the right side of her muzzle until reaching the side of her neck, and then bury the side left side of my face into her soft fur there to nuzzle against her affectionately. "I... I love you too..."