Lone Tiger: Original Ending by TheMightyKhan

Lone Tiger: Original Ending

TheMightyKhan, Abuse, Alcohol, Alcoholism, American, Anger, Blond, Cub, Dark, Death, Depression, Drugs, Extreme, Father, Fear, Feline, Hate, Highschool, Japanese, Kids, Love, M/F, Modern, Mother, Pain, Rage, Realistic, Romance, School, Shooting, Snow Leopard, Solitude, Sorrow, Suicide, Teacher, Teen, Teenager, Teenagers, Tiger, Tragedy, Ukraine, Violence, Violent, Young, Young Love, Young Romance, agony, alcoholic, alone, america, black metal, blonde, columbine, cutting, darkness, guilt, loneliness, loss, rob lee, russian, self-mutiliatn, suicidal, ukrainian, virginia tech

#2 of Lone Tiger

The original ending of Lone Tiger. Released 4/20/2009.

Lone Tiger: Original Ending

(To read this chapter, you must agree with the disclaimer and copyright posted in the first chapter.)

(This is the original ending of Lone Tiger. I must repeat the warnings I gave you in Part One--this ending is dark to the point that writing it, I believe, depressed me for months. There is terrorizing violence, extreme depression, suicidal themes, and more. It's about as brutal an ending as is possible to make without numbing the reader to the coldness and hatefulness present in this piece.

I strongly suggest lining up something somewhat social and happy to do after finishing this. In fact, I don't suggest reading this at all unless you're really prepared for it.

I think I've said all that needs to be said at this point... so, here you are: the original ending of Lone Tiger in all its miserable glory.)

Suggested Music: Marilyn Manson: The Death Song, Better of Two Evils, The Last Day on Earth, Mechanical Animals, Sweet Dreams, The Nobodies, Lunchbox; Rammstein: Ich Will, Nebel, Spieluhr, Adios

Suggested Drinks: Water, vodka, oversweet coffee, soda, energy drinks

Suggested Eats: Slim Jims, Poptarts, cold cut sandwiches, pizza, Doritos, Cheetos, Fritos, and any other manner of the nasty snack/junk foods that high school students eat

Suggested Smokes: Don't smoke! It's bad for you!

2/19/09

In study hall, I basically just sat around and kept quiet. Aleksandra talked to me a few times... I might have said five words back. I don't even remember getting any work done. I think I did some Calc and worked on cleaning up my English paper... I dunno.

Mills was out today. She's alright, though. Her son was sick, so she stayed home to take care of him. It's kind of hard to imagine her being someone's mom... Sub was okay, but we didn't get up to snuff in class. Just watched the movie version of Othello.

I guess I was kind of terrible to Aleksandra today. She tried to talk to me a couple times. I didn't say anything. Just basically ignored her. I don't even know why, I mean--Takahashi's gone, but she's still here. She's my only friend now, except for Mom and Dad, and they don't really count. I really... really ought to be a lot nicer to her. I should...

I'm gonna say sorry tomorrow morning, first thing.

Hell, why wait? I'm texting her right now. But that's not enough. I'm gonna tell her sorry first thing tomorrow, too. And I hope she accepts it... I really, really hope she forgives me. If Aleksandra quit being my friend, I wouldn't even know what to do anymore.

2/20/09

I got through physics somehow. Teacher's okay, but he's not Takahashi. No one is.

I was pretty quiet in gym, I guess. But that's normal for me. I guess what everyone noticed was that I kind of sucked at playing. I mean, I was okay, but I'm usually like the best player in gym. Today, I was just, I dunno, off. It was worse than Tuesday... I don't even remember how bad I did on Tuesday.

Coach let us change early. I was in my normal clothes and waiting on the bleachers to leave first of everyone... was just checking my cell phone and stuff when Melissa sat next to me and asked what was wrong. I said nothing, but she kind of just waited, so I guess I told her that Takahashi had died and I was ruining things with Aleksandra. Even though I said sorry to her this morning, and she said it was okay, I can tell I'd made her pretty sad.

I guess I was talking a lot. For me, I mean. I usually never talk to anyone at all, except for Aleksandra, and sometimes Mom and Dad. And Takahashi. I guess I talked to Melissa a little bit last week, but it wasn't this much. This time, I was talking to her a lot, and she was listening pretty well.

I eventually asked her what I should do to fix things with Aleksandra. When I upset Mom and Dad--which I never do anymore, but when I was a kitten I guess I did now and then--but when I used to upset them, I always just said sorry, promised never to do it ever again, and let them hug me or whatever. I figured that stuff wouldn't work with Aleksandra, but Melissa said that that's basically what to do. All I have to do is say sorry, be sincere about it, and never do it again, and that's all.

I said sorry to Aleksandra in the morning, but it was just one word, and I kind of just said it without really looking at her or anything else... so I guess it didn't count. Melissa said that it doesn't count unless I really, _really_mean it.

It didn't sound like great advice, but I just said thanks. What am I gonna do--I mean, I'm not gonna yell at Melissa or curse her out. I used to do all that shit, but I dunno. That's not me anymore. I'm... I dunno. Mom always says that I'm a good boy, but I think I used to be kind of mean. Pretty mean, actually.

So I picked Aleksandra up after class. We went back to Fox Chase basically without talking... headed to her house. She was gonna go; said bye all quietly and everything, but I asked if we could just walk around for a while instead. She kind of looked at me, then nodded, and we headed into the forest.

It took me a while to think of what to say. We were basically in the middle of the forest when I told Aleksandra that I was sorry for being mean to her. That I really, really meant it, too, and I told her that I didn't know what was going on. Told her that ever since we started hanging out, things stopped making sense to me like they used to. And when Takahashi died, I think I kind of did too. In a way, I mean. I'm still here and all, but I'm just... I dunno. Dunno how to describe it.

I don't think half of what I said made sense. Tried to explain it in Russian, but that didn't work. Tried in Ukrainian too, but that didn't work either. I'm surprised that Aleksandra didn't just leave at some point, but she didn't. I ended up telling her that I didn't mean to forget about her, and that we were friends, and that if there's anything I can do to get her to let me hang out with her, all she has to do is say the word.

She just kind of stood there looking at me the whole time. Just looking at me with those big brown eyes of hers. She didn't blush, or smile or anything, so I couldn't really figure out what she was thinking. It was kind of weird, because usually, Aleksandra's pretty out there about what she thinks. At least, I can tell what she's thinking pretty well. But this time she was hiding it until the end.

And then she just hugged me. She hugged me and said that I was sad that Takahashi was gone. And... she's right. I guess I just didn't realize it until she told me, and when I realized it, I kind of nodded and just stood there. She started to let go, but I stopped her, and asked if she would just keep doing it--she said yeah, inside, so we went to her place and just sat on the couch for a while.

She basically just held me. That's all. We didn't really talk, didn't really do anything--she just kept hugging me, and I don't know why. She really does care about me, I guess. I really needed her today, and she was there for me. She was there for me and she didn't go. She really does care about me.

I went home for dinner. Said thanks a bunch before I did, and I even hugged her back.

But that's not enough. Tomorrow, I'm gonna do something for her. I'm gonna--I know what I'm gonna do with some of Takahashi's money. He gave it to me... because he cared about me too. He wanted me to be happy, and even though it's late and Aleksandra's two blocks away, right now there's nothing that would make me happier than seeing her happy.

2/21/09

I called Aleksandra at like ten in the morning, asked if she wanted to hang out. She said yeah, and asked what I wanted to do... I just asked her if she could be ready to go in half an hour, and said it was a surprise. Showed up at her door half an hour later and she was dressed up pretty nice... jeans and some of those fuzzy boots that girls wear. Those kinds of boots look--well, I don't want to say trashy, but they definitely don't look nice on most girls. But they looked nice on Aleksandra. Real nice.

Plus, she was wearing a hoody. No one wears hoodies these days, except for me. It's almost like she's trying to copy my style, except in a nice way. Like she wants me to like the way she dresses. And I definitely do, a lot.

So, she got into the car and we got going. She asked me where we were headed, but I still didn't tell her. Tried to stay talking and happy, though. It was tough, but we kind of chatted a little. Just a little, Mom... and only when we were at red lights. Well, mostly. Sorry, Mom.

Aleksandra's never been to the mall here before. And I haven't been there in months. Maybe more than months. Why would I go? I mean, there's not much there for a guy like me. I mean, yeah, Mom likes to buy me cinnamon raisin bagels at Auntie Anne's and then give me pennies to throw into the fountain, but that's about it. But girls like to go to malls. And even though Aleksandra's not like most girls, I figured she might too.

And I think she did. Nah, I'm pretty sure she did. She seemed pretty happy, and we spent like... five, six hours there easy. It wasn't too bad for me--I mean, I got bored a couple times, but not really, and Aleksandra had a ton of fun. You could see it easily--she was walking around quickly, and talking to me a lot. She kind of hugged my arm a bunch, too, and rubbed her cheek against my shoulder. And she's never done that in public before. It was kind of embarrassing, to be honest, but I liked it. She's really nice, for a girl. Especially to me.

Anyway, I basically told her when we got to the mall that she could get whatever she wanted and I'd pay for it. She was pretty shocked when I said that. Asked how I could pay for it, since I don't have a job or anything, so I told her. She was still pretty surprised, but thinking about Takahashi made me feel pretty bad, so I got out of the car and went around to let her out, too. The second she came out, she kind of held me real close for a minute and said that I was a sweety, and that I'd been a great friend to Takahashi. And her.

That made me feel pretty good. I barely even noticed that she was holding my paw and taking me inside until like ten seconds later. I locked the car up and then caught up with her, and she could have let go of my paw, but she didn't. Dunno why. I guess we were technically on the road, but it was a parking lot--so she didn't have to hold my paw. And we're both eighteen years old--Mom and Dad quit making me hold paws to cross the street a long time ago. Maybe Aleksandra's dad is more strict about these things.

So once we got into the mall, it was like I said. Aleksandra was pretty happy the whole time through, and she wasn't shy about thanking me, either. Since I'm taller than she is, I couldn't really pay attention to her tail or legs too much, so I just looked at her eyes when she was close to me. She's got great eyes. They're sort of light brown and really nice... they're kind of green, but not really. Actually, I don't know anyone with eyes like hers.

You know, I just realized something. I told Aleksandra she could get anything she wanted, and she seriously could have. Takahashi gave me a ton of money. I mean, I could probably have bought one or two stores there if I wanted to. Aleksandra could have just gone crazy and gotten everything and it would have been okay. In fact, I kind of wanted her to do that. But she didn't. She only got a few things, and she made me let her pay for pretzels from Annie's Eats once I told her that that's what me and Mom always used to do whenever we went to the mall.

Actually, I'm checking my credit card transactions online right now... we only spent $500. I mean, not only. $500 is a lot of money. But the prices of stuff at like Macy's... one thing there can cost $500 easy. I dunno how Aleksandra stayed to spending $500. She got a bunch of stuff... a few shirts, a pair of shoes, a couple other things...

But yeah. We did a ton of stuff at the mall. Actually, it wasn't all shopping. We got pretzels, we went to this Chinese bistro place (which had great duck, by the way--me and Aleksandra split one, and it was amazing), and we even spent a while in the arcade playing House of the Dead. Aleksandra's a great shot with those light guns. She... actually did a little better than I did.

Actually, I kind of had fun at the mall. We were both still pretty energetic when we headed back to the car, but the minute we stopped moving, it kind of hit us both. We'd had a pretty long day, and we spent most of it on our feet, so yeah. I told Aleksandra that she could take a nap while I got us home, 'cause it is kind of a long drive. Takes like forty minutes without traffic, and I had to drive through rush hour. We got home at like 6:30. I pulled into the driveway and was gonna wake Aleksandra up, but I couldn't.

She's real pretty when she's asleep. Actually, she's real pretty when she's awake, but when she's sleeping, she's even more peaceful and stuff. Even though Aleksandra's usually the one that talks a lot more when we hang out, I guess she's pretty quiet, too. Just not as quiet as me. But when she sleeps, she makes no noise. Almost no noise. I could hear her heart and breathing, but that was really quiet, and she wasn't moving at all.

It's probably because she's a snow leopard. I told her that when she woke up, like ten minutes later. Told her that she's a beautiful snow leopardess, and that I was lucky to be able to see her so much. She got pretty happy when I said that, and she blushed a lot, too. She kind of told me to come closer, so I leaned toward her, and she kissed me on the forehead like I did when she asked me to last Sunday. It felt kind of weird... dunno what I think about it. I kind of liked it, but it was weird.

Anyway, I helped Aleksandra get all of her stuff inside. It was kind of late, though, and Mom and Dad're out again... Dad had to head to Miami for business yesterday, and Mom's out with some of her friends tonight. And Aleksandra's dad's working until tomorrow afternoon. If I went home, we'd both be all alone... so Aleksandra said, hey, why don't I sleep at her place?

She used to be pretty nervous to be alone with me. Especially in her room, or mine. I don't blame her for that... I mean, I am a pretty scary guy. But I guess this time, she knew for sure that I'm not gonna hurt her. She didn't even blush once, and that made me feel pretty good, you know, to know that she trusts me.

I called Mom to ask her if it was fine, and she said it was. Now, I'm pretty sure that she used to have that smiley sort of face on all the time when I used to tell her that me and Aleksandra were hanging out, but this time I don't think she did. I think she's starting to get it. Aleksandra and me are friends, and that's just how it is. Now it's not this cute little thing that just started anymore. Now, we're... I dunno. We're part of each others' lives, if that makes sense.

So I went home to grab a sleeping bag and some stuff... toothbrush, PJs and all that. It's actually pretty weird to not sleep in my bed, but I'll get to that in a second. Once I got back to Aleksandra's, she was already making something to eat. Nothing much, just soup and salad, 'cause we were both pretty tired and full. After that, we just went to her room and hung out for a while, talking and stuff. Not just about now, but the future.

Aleksandra said she wants to be an accountant. Not just an accountant. The kind that runs an accounting business. I told her she's definitely got the mind for it. She's really good with numbers and keeping track of things, just like me. Maybe even more than me.

So she asked me what kind of job I wanted to have... and I really didn't know what to say. I mean, Dad's always said that once I'm out of college, he's gonna set me up with a business of my own. Somewhere else, though. I think it's a pretty big deal for him that I get into real estate too, and I've hung out with Dad at work a bunch of times. I know what it's like, and I definitely like it... but I dunno. I want to do something else, too. Maybe I'll, I dunno, get into stocks and stuff. Banking. I'm really good at that stuff. I made 30-something percent returns on my money last year, and that's pretty good, I think.

Real estate's pretty nice, though. Plus, I'd get to travel a lot. But I dunno. I guess it's something to... not think about, but to just let happen, you know? And hey, here's something nice I found out tonight. Me and Aleksandra both got accepted to Fraser Business and Tech, 'cause we both did the early decision thing. Can you believe that? I mean, what are the odds? It's really something, and we were both pretty happy to find out about it.

I said it would be great to go to college with Aleksandra. Mom used to be worried, and I guess I kind of was, too, about college. I mean, at least here at Rob Lee, I know everyone and everyone knows me, but in college, it's gonna be a whole different crowd, and maybe a few people will try to fuck with me. It might get a little, you know, intense, and I don't want to mess things up for everyone by getting an assault charge or something.

But if I hang out with Aleksandra in college, it should be okay. She keeps me pretty calm. Can control myself pretty well around her. Especially--actually, I just noticed that I barely ever get really angry when I'm around Aleksandra.

Anyway, I realized I didn't bring a sleeping bag when we were through talking. Was gonna go home to grab it, but Aleksandra said it was fine, and that we could just split her bed. To be honest, I didn't really like the idea at first, because Aleksandra's bed isn't that big... and we're both big cats, heh.

But she wasn't just asking me. She was kind of looking at me in a way... that I knew meant that she wanted me to say yes. She was kind of in her bed already, and she held up the covers for me, and she was looking up at me with her big brown eyes, so I couldn't say no. I mean, I could have, I guess, but I really wanted to say yes for her.

I turned off the lights and kind of got in with her, kind of facing away. Dunno why, but I was kind of uncomfortable. Or maybe nervous. And it doesn't make sense. Her bed's real soft, and God was it warm in there with her. But I still felt... I dunno.

Neither of us are wearing too much. I just have a tee and gym shorts on. Aleksandra's wearing her short shorts and tank top, and I think she knows I like that. She has her hair kind of done up in a bun, and I've never seen that before. It was different, but I liked it. She's probably the only girl I know that can have her hair like that without looking like a lunch lady.

We said good night, and just sort of lay there for a while. It kind of got better for me once we stopped moving and talking and stuff, because then I could just listen to Aleksandra's heart beat and breathing. And I could just feel her body heat. She's actually pretty hot, not just warm.

I think Aleksandra thought that I was asleep a few minutes later, and I almost was. Anyway, she kind of slowly put her arm around me and hugged me from behind. That felt... really, really good, actually. After that, she kind of kissed the back of my head, and I couldn't help but purr a little bit. She kind of laughed real quietly, and then sighed and just cuddled up against my back.

She said something like, "Oh, Alex, I'm so lucky that I met you," and then kind of nuzzled against the back of my neck. Now, I'm usually really careful about the back of my neck--call it a primal fear, but I just hate--_hate_the idea of anyone touching it or having a clear shot at it. But even though Aleksandra was right there, with her teeth and all, I wasn't scared for a second, because I knew she wasn't gonna hurt me.

I guess I could have said something to her, but I couldn't really think of the right thing. So I kept pretending to be asleep, kind of rolled my arm over hers, and held her paw. Might have licked over her fingers a few times. Dunno why, but it seemed like the right thing to do. And she liked it.

I was pretty tired, but I didn't fall asleep. I mean, I'm still awake now, right? I guess I just wanted to hear Aleksandra fall asleep, and feel her against me as long as possible. It's pretty weird, especially for a guy like me. But I dunno. It can't be wrong, can it? I mean, we're not hurting anyone, and we're not taking stupid risks either, right? It's pretty crazy that I'm doing any of this stuff.

I still can't figure out why Aleksandra likes me so much. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't like me. I mean, I don't really go around annoying people, or being loud or anything, but... well, I guess I pretty much used to be a jerk. But now that Aleksandra's around, I think I'm a lot nicer. And I like being nicer, too.

I really ought to sleep now. Don't even know what time it is, and if I write much more, I'm gonna wake Aleksandra up. Know what, I think I'm gonna turn around and try to hold her instead. Maybe she'd like that. I know that I would...

2/22/09

Me and Aleksandra both woke up at like seven today. And that's kind of late for us. I actually woke up a little bit before she did, and I was facing her from like two inches away, so I could look at her real closely.

Even though I've seen her like a million times now, I don't get tired of her. She's definitely the nicest-looking person I've ever seen in my life, and not just by a little bit. It used to be that only me, Mom and Dad were any kind of decent looking, but Aleksandra basically blows us all out of the water. She's got such a pretty face--and her fur pattern's really one of a kind. All around her eyes is pure white for a little bit, and then her cheeks and stuff start to get dappled gradually. It's crazy.

Anyway, she woke up and kind of jumped just a little. I guess it makes sense, 'cause I was real close, but it would've been nice if she just sort of opened her eyes and looked at me and said good morning. That's basically what happened a second later.

After that, we took turns in the bathroom. Was kind of weird for me to be alone in her room, because I've never been there without her, but it wasn't too bad. She's really neat and organized, and she doesn't have too much stuff, so it's alright.

We were gonna just eat breakfast at her place, but Mom gave me a call and said that if we were interested, she'd make French toast. Now, Mom doesn't make French toast too much, because it's a big pain for her, so it would be crazy of me to say no. I told Aleksandra, and believe it or not, she's never had French toast before. So I got her back home, and we got there just in time to see Mom start.

I'm not sure, but I think Aleksandra was paying real close attention. It was almost like she was taking notes in her head. Like, she wasn't just having fun, and whenever me or Mom said something to her, she'd kind of take a second to answer, and she's usually real smart and quick about these things. I don't know why she was doing that. It's almost like she was trying to memorize the recipe or something.

French toast was great as usual. And Dad got home early, just a couple minutes before Mom was finished cooking. Turns out she knew he was coming the whole time, but just didn't tell me so that I'd get a surprise. And it was pretty nice. Me and Dad are pretty close, I guess. We don't really talk much, or do too much together, but I have to kind of be around him for a few hours a day, or things just don't feel right.

So I helped Dad with his stuff. Took his hat and coat and everything, and had him sit down. He's had a pretty long couple days in Miami. Told us a couple of the things he did there... looks like it was a pretty successful trip, but he's pretty tired. Pretty glad to see us, though, and not just me and Mom. I think he likes Aleksandra, too.

It took us a while to eat breakfast, and when we were done, Mom made Dad head upstairs for a nap. Turns out he was supposed to come in a lot earlier, but his flight got delayed, and this and that, so he ended up staying up basically the whole night. Me and Aleksandra helped Mom clean up, and then we all kind of watched Russia Today on TV. Oh yeah, we got satellite TV a few days ago... Mom told me that Dad wanted it to keep up with things in "old country". I didn't really check it out until today.

Was kind of nice to be with my two favorite females in the whole world at the same time. Mom was on the one side of me, and Aleksandra was on the other. I felt pretty... pretty special, I guess. It was really nice, actually.

Mom had to go to deal with something or the other from her work, so me and Aleksandra kind of hung out there for a while. But news is only interesting for so long. I said that it's been a while since we've gone on a run, so why don't we do that, and Aleksandra said that was a pretty good idea. We both had to change, so she went home and I went to my room, and we met back outside after a couple minutes.

It was kind of cold, but Aleksandra was toughing it as usual. I guess she doesn't like to run in pants. Me, I had sweatpants and a tee on, so it wasn't bad, but Aleksandra... sheesh. Maybe it's because she's from Ukraine, so she's used to the cold. It's pretty intense, though. She wasn't shivering or anything.

And we ran for a pretty long time. A really long time, actually. It kind of became a game for us, I guess. I mean, we're both felines--built for sprinting, not endurance, but we kept running for about an hour and a half. A couple times, we kind of raced each other... and I have to admit that Aleksandra's a lot faster than I am. At long distances, anyway. Up to about four hundred yards, I think I can beat her. I hope. Kind of. Maybe.

When we were finished, we were both pretty tired, and pretty far from home. It must have taken us about forty minutes to walk back to Fox Chase, but that was alright. Aleksandra started to get a little cold on the way back, so she kind of stayed real close to me. She didn't touch me too much, but she was _right_there, you know? And it was really nice to be so close to her for so long.

After we got home and both took showers, Aleksandra came back to my place to do homework. I've been keeping up with class, but that's it. I guess... Takahashi dying hit me pretty hard. It's been kind of hard for me to focus the past few days.

Aleksandra was having a tough time with a few things in Calc, and I don't blame her. And it's not that Schreiner is a bad teacher at all--I mean, she's actually pretty good, if you look at how we've been doing on the practice AP tests--but this limit stuff is killing everyone. I get it, but that's just me, you know? Everyone's got a different mind, and I guess it takes some people a little more time to learn some things.

She got it, though. And it didn't take that long. I just kind of sat down with Aleksandra, went through a couple problems, and got her to think about them in different ways. For a while, she kind of just went through the problems, but then it clicked. Could see it in her eyes. And then she started to just tear through them, real fast, and get them all right.

It was kind of something to see that, actually. And she was so grateful to me when we were finished. It made me feel pretty good, actually.

Aleksandra was gonna go back to her place at about three, 'cause her dad's coming back from work. He did like a double shift, or something. Dunno how he stays on his feet, working as much as he does... Anyway, I headed back with her and helped her clean up her place pretty nice, and get a couple nice things cooking so that he'd have a nice, hot meal ready to eat as soon as he got home. We had to kind of time it--Aleksandra's dad texted her when he left work, and that's just about when we threw the chicken into the oven and then got started on the other stuff.

He was kind of surprised to see me over, but in a good way. And I'm glad he's alright with me hanging out with Aleksandra too much. I always used to hear cubs getting yelled at and stuff for spending too much time with just one friend or whatever, and me and Aleksandra basically only hang out with each other and that's it. Maybe it's because we don't just mess around, and actually get stuff done... maybe that's why all of our parents are fine with it.

Anyway, Aleksandra's dad looked pretty beat when he got home. Not just like Dad did. He looked exhausted. Second he was inside, I took his bag and had him sit down and just have tea for a while.

He kind of talked to me after that. He's an interesting guy, actually. He doesn't have time to do anything but work, but he's still pretty neat. Told me about how even though he's just been working in the US for about three months, he might get manager duties next week 'cause he's so good. And I believe it. I can kind of tell that he's kind of like my dad. I mean, they're both workaholics for one thing, and they both just seem really, really smart. You have to talk to them to get it. And you can't really miss it. It's actually kind of scary to talk to either Dad or Aleksandra's dad, because I'm always worried I'll say something really stupid or something.

Me and Aleksandra weren't too hungry, so we just kind of hung out while Aleksandra's dad ate. Drank some tea and talked. It's pretty weird--even though we're both cubs, or teenagers anyway, my parents and Aleksandra's dad love to talk to us at the same time. I don't think it's like that when we're alone. It's definitely not like that when it's just me. Mom and Dad don't try to drag more than a couple sentences out of me a week when it's just me.

Huh. That's actually kind of weird. I mean, it's not "just me" anymore. I'm not--I guess I'm not a loner anymore. Pretty weird to think about that. I mean, I basically have been a loner since I was really young, and I never really figured that I'd change. Never really wanted to, either. I guess it's all because of Aleksandra--and I'm not blaming her. I actually kind of--no, I really like being the way I am, instead of the way I used to be. Things are just so much better--people aren't as scared of me, or mean to me, and if I'd known that having a friend was as good as it is, I never would have given up when I was just seven.

Aleksandra told her dad that we're both going to Fraser, and he was glad to hear that. I guess he doesn't know that I know Ukrainian, 'cause he said right in front of me that that's great, because I'm a great influence on Aleksandra.

It's really nice that he's got such a high opinion of me. Really. But I dunno if it's true. I mean, hanging out with Aleksandra's changed me, a lot. I dunno if I've changed her. Maybe I have. I probably have, just a little bit. But I dunno if that's a good thing. For one thing, I like Aleksandra just the way she is, and besides, I'm not... it's not that nice being me, sometimes. Or at least, that's how it used to be. Now, I wouldn't trade places with anyone, because no one else gets to spend as much time with Aleksandra as I do.

I guess I'm actually pretty lucky that we started to hang out. I dunno why she picked me, of all people, to just start talking to that day. Why would she? I mean, I'm not good looking, I don't smile a lot, and... I dunno. I really don't know why she started this between us, but I'm so glad that she did.

I'm gonna ask her tomorrow. First thing in the morning. I wonder what she'll say.

2/23/09

We were running a little late this morning. It's not that we were gonna be late for class, but we weren't gonna get as much time in the cafeteria as we usually do. Car was having some problems... I had to pop the hood and take a look at it. Mom and Dad were both there, but Dad's had a long couple days, and Mom's gotta be at work until like eight tonight, so I left them alone. We got at school on time, though. Wasn't a big deal.

Physics was okay. I... sort of walked in and forgot about how Takahashi wasn't there. See, on Mondays, I usually just walk right up to him, see if I can give him a scare, and we say hi... ask each other how our weekends went and stuff. So, I did that to the new guy, and he kind of jumped a little, and I realized it wasn't Takahashi. I kind of felt bad, but I got my paw out, so he shook it, and said hi and all that.

He's an okay guy. Basically straight out of college. He said he's going to be with us for the rest of the year, and wants to get a permanent position. I said he probably will, 'cause he's a good teacher and all. He seemed pretty happy to hear me say that, but class was starting, so he just patted me on the shoulder and told me to sit down.

Like I said, physics was okay. Well, it started off okay, and then it got better. I'm never gonna forget about Takahashi as long as I live, but I have to get used to him being dead sooner or later.

We did some AP test practice in Calc. There wasn't too much time to mess around until like five minutes before the bell. It was a pretty tough test... I mean, I got full points and all, and Aleksandra almost did as well, but it wasn't just easy. Everyone else pretty much ran out of time.

A couple of the other guys came over to ask me and Aleksandra about some stuff, like integration by parts and stuff. I thought it was pretty easy, but I guess everyone's different. So I showed them the way I do it, and Aleksandra showed them her way. Like five guys came to us, and I'm pretty sure all of them ended up getting it. The last guy... I'll figure something out. I want to see him do well.

You know, it's pretty weird. I used to... well, no one comes to me for help, usually, because I'm--nah, it's not because I'm 6'5" and scary looking. I mean, maybe that's part of it, but that hasn't changed. I guess it's me that changed. I used to be... pretty much a jerk. I cursed a lot, and never helped anyone, and... yeah. I basically used to hate people, but know what, I was wrong. It's... really weird to be cool with teachers, and other cubs too, but... well, I kind of like it.

In English, we're pretty much wrapping up on our papers. Not too much I can say about that. We worked in groups and reviewed each others' papers. Me and Aleksandra got paired with these two guys that I used to think were dumb, but they're alright. They had a couple interesting things to say about my paper, so I made a few notes... might end up changing it. We'll see.

Me and Aleksandra actually didn't get much time to talk until the end of the day. Volleyball season's coming up soon, so she basically had to go straight from class to practice, which was cool. I just hung out in the library and practiced for the Calc and Physics AP tests and stuff.

After practice, me and Aleksandra got in the car. I didn't go home, though. She asked me where we were going, and I just told her to wait, 'cause I can't talk while driving. I stopped at a florist to get a rose, and I think that's when she figured it out. Even though Mom always says to drive with both paws on the wheel... well, sorry, Mom, but it wasn't really my fault. I didn't ask Aleksandra to hold my paw.

We parked in the church lot and headed to the cemetery. I remembered right where Takahashi was, didn't need to use the map or anything... just... walked to him, said hello, and told him about what's going on and stuff, just like I usually do. Said I bought him a flower, just because that's what you do for dead people. I guess I got kind of emotional, but it was okay, 'cause Aleksandra was there.

We hung out with Takahashi for a while. Talked to him and each other. Then we went back to the car.

It kind of hit me what I planned to ask Aleksandra last night, so I did, right when we were getting into the car. I asked her why she picked me to hang out with, basically since the first day she got here. She kind of looked at me, blushed, and didn't really answer. I figured I did something wrong, so I said sorry, and started to head back to Fox Chase.

She kind of whispered something as we headed away from the church. I think she said it's because I looked like a nice, sweet, "milly" guy.

Gotta find out what "milly" means...

2/24/09

This time, me and Aleksandra got to school early, just like we usually do. We hung out in the cafeteria, same as usual, and she said that volleyball practice today's gonna be for like three hours. I said that was fine; I'll just hang around and drive her home when it's finished. She told me that she didn't want to waste my time, but I said that I don't have anything better to do. So, she kind of gave up after that. She just shook her head at me and looked at me with her big brown eyes, and said alright.

I thought she might have been upset. I was going to say sorry, but I think she has me figured out, because she just smiled and kissed me on the corner of my mouth. She's never done anything like that in public before... it's kind of like when Mom used to hug me in public. Was pretty embarrassing, but I didn't get upset. That's just how girls are, I guess. And I think I'm getting to like it.

Melissa seemed pretty distant today. I dunno why. I tried to talk to her, but she was pretty quiet. Didn't even want to ask me anything. I thought about leaving her alone, but she looked pretty sad, so I just stayed close to her in case she wanted me for anything.

She actually did kind of good at volleyball today. She's pretty good when she tries. I told her that at the end of the period, and she sort of smiled at me and said that she'd see me on Friday. I dunno what to think about that.

I guess the day pretty much wasn't up to snuff. When classes were over, I went back to the library and kept studying. I dunno why. I mean, I can do pretty well on tests and stuff without studying. But I want to do well in school... dunno why. The whole time when I was studying, kind of in the back of my mind was that if I do real well on the AP tests and stuff, I can maybe convince Fraser to give me a free ride, or one of those four year Master's programs or something. That would make a bunch of people real proud.

Aleksandra actually looked kind of beat when she got out of the locker room, but she gave me a big smile anyway. Like five seconds later, though, a bunch of the volleyball girls came out and watched us. They all had that "oh, this is so cute" face that Mom and Dad used to have on. I felt pretty embarrassed, but I just sort of waved at them and headed to the car with Aleksandra.

Actually, she is pretty cute when she's all tired out like that. She was practically falling asleep on the way home, since I couldn't talk to her or anything. I was going to drop her off at her place and head home, but I decided that I wanted to hang out with her more.

So we headed into her place--her dad wasn't home, same as usual. I had her sit down on the couch and was gonna make her some tea or something, but like ten seconds later, she was asleep. I walked over and just kind of watched her from over the couch for a minute. Then I walked over to her, took her socks off, and threw a blanket over her.

There weren't any pillows, and the tea was pretty much done by then. I poured two mugs, in case she woke up and wanted some, and headed back to the couch. I thought about waking her up, but she just looked too tired... so I left her alone.

I looked around for pillows for a while, but there weren't any. So I just kind of sat down next to her and eased her head up until it was on top of my lap. When I did that, she smiled, bigtime, and kind of nuzzled against my leg. That messed her hair up, so I kind of put it out of her face with my finger, and I just sat there, drinking tea and looking down at her.

She's really a sweet girl. All soft and warm, with great hair and fur. I can't stop thinking of how good-looking she is. But she was sleeping, and I wouldn't want anyone staring at me like that, so I left her alone and just watched TV.

Eventually, she just curled up next to me, but that was okay. As long as she's comfortable and warm, it's not a big deal if she's right on top of me or next to me. Besides, I got to keep my paw on her shoulder. I can't really ask for anything more, can I?

2/25/09

Mom got in a car accident.

I got pulled out of class and sent to the office. Dad was there, and the way he looked... it was terrible. I didn't say a word. Just got in the car with him and headed to the hospital.

Someone texted me. Didn't even see who it was at the time... turns out it was Aleksandra. Just got out of the car and went into the hospital with Dad.

When we got in the ER, I guess it hit him. He started to cry and tried to talk to the hospital people in Russian. They were afraid--figured he was going insane or something--but I just kind of held him and told them who we were, and asked them where Mom was.

I dunno how I did all that. I swear I was as scared as Dad was. I... I didn't want to lose Mom. My mom, I mean... I can't...

They took us to the outside of the operating room. There's a one-way window there... I wish I hadn't looked in. 'Cause then, it was Dad that had to hold me. I didn't cry or anything, but I just couldn't stand up after seeing Mom like that... all covered in blankets, bleeding, with all those doctors running around her...

We sat in the waiting room for... I don't know how long. Maybe an hour or something. Could have been a ton more. Or maybe it wasn't even an hour. I dunno. Anyway, eventually one of the doctors that had been working on Mom came to see us.

Turns out she's alright. Kind of. I mean, she's going to live, but she... she got hurt pretty bad. He said it's going to take her a while to recover, 'cause she broke a bunch of bones. But she's gonna live, because she's really tough, he said.

So Dad asked if we could see her. Doctor said she was asleep, but yeah, we could for a couple minutes.

So he took us to her new room, 'cause she got moved out of the OR. Me and Dad kind of looked at each other for a minute, and then we walked into the room.

It was pretty hard to see Mom like that. She had those plastic tubes coming out of her nose, and we couldn't even see anything but her face, 'cause she was still covered in blankets. But... she actually looked kind of peaceful. Like she was just sleeping.

The doctor said not to mess around with her, 'cause she was in bad shape, but Dad got right next to her. I didn't watch, because--well, I wouldn't want to watch me and Aleksandra when we want to be just by ourselves. And it's not that Dad didn't want me there, but I don't know. It doesn't even matter, 'cause I'm pretty sure I know what he did. I think he just nuzzled her face, and maybe licked her a few times. Probably talked to her too, in Russian.

Mom and Dad love to talk to each other in Russian. Whenever they think I'm not around, they kind of talk to each other real quietly. I don't really listen to it, because I don't want to take away their privacy... but they really love each other. Even after all this time. It's really inspiring.

Dad eventually called me over. So I sat real close to Mom, on the other side. I wanted to hold her paw, but I couldn't, so I just sat there.

The doctor said we had to be out in a couple minutes, but I guess he forgot about us. Or changed his mind. Because me and Dad were in there for a real long time. And when we finally got out, Aleksandra was with us.

She must have snuck in or something. I dunno. Don't even know how she got there. But she just sat there with me and Dad... and I dunno why, but that meant a lot. Not just to me. Dad was glad to see her too. Maybe it's 'cause she reminds him of his little sister or something. I dunno. But they kind of look alike... I mean, I don't know, because I only have a picture of her. She died before Dad even left Russia, after all.

We all went home. Aleksandra made us dinner. Her dad came over after a while and hung out with us.

Aleksandra and her dad are the sweetest people, and I'm so grateful they were there. I dunno what me and Dad would have done if it had just been the two of us at home alone.

2/26/09

Me and Dad took the day off. I drove Aleksandra to school. Didn't really say much. But before she left, she had me look at her for a minute, and said that it would be okay. I kind of nodded, said thanks for being with us last night. I tried to smile. Dunno if I did.

So I got back home. Made breakfast for me and Dad. Was pretty weird making breakfast. Mom always makes breakfast. Anyway, Dad got down eventually, and he looked pretty bad. It's probably weird for him to sleep by himself.

We pretty much just hung out at home until like ten. We cleaned everything, even the refrigerator and the garage, and then we pretty much just sat around. We tried to watch TV, but there was nothing on, so we just got into the car and drove around town for a while.

Dad talked about a bunch of stuff out to me. He talked about where he and Mom met for the first time, where they went on their first date, the first house he sold, and when he proposed to Mom. Me and Dad usually don't talk much, I guess--I mean, we're really close, but we usually don't talk that much. Today Dad was really talkative, though. I pretty much just listened, but that was okay.

We stopped at the hospital to see how Mom was doing. Doctors said she was okay, but they didn't let us in to see her. So I guess... she's okay, but... just barely.

I wish we could have seen her. Dad looked really sad when they said we couldn't. I ended up driving us home--Dad just kind of sat there and looked down the whole way home.

He kind of got better once we were back at home. Said he was sorry for being so sad. I said it was okay--I mean, he and Mom have been together since before I was born. They don't really have any other friends... actually, they don't have any friends except each other. I mean, a few people called and stuff, but no one stopped by. Except for Aleksandra and her dad.

I made us lunch while Dad salted the sidewalk and driveway. I didn't make much--just soup, salad, and sandwiches. I guess just hanging out outside by himself kind of cleared Dad's head, because when he came in, I said I had lunch on the table. He kind of looked at me for a minute, then beckoned me in--so I went up to him, and he gave me a hug. And he messed up my hair.

God, I hate when people do that. The hair, I mean. The hugging I can deal with now--well, now, I kind of like it--but I wish he wouldn't mess with my hair. Well, not really. Even though I don't like it, that's just his way of--that's just Dad being a dad. I can't really explain it. But it wasn't a big deal. I made sure to _mrowl_just like I was a kitten and complain and stuff, and he laughed, and we sat down and ate, and that was it.

I picked Aleksandra up after school. Volleyball practice wasn't that long today, so she wasn't tired. She asked how me and Dad were doing, I said we were fine... sort of told her about what we'd been up to and stuff. I guess it made sense to her.

We got home and when she got up to leave the car, I dunno, I... I didn't want to see her go. I said her name--actually, I kind of shouted it--and she jumped back in the car and asked me what was wrong.

I felt pretty dumb. Just kind of shrugged my shoulders and looked away. Said that I just wanted to be with her for a while, if that was okay with her. And I think she got it, even though I didn't. She gets me, I guess--I dunno. But whatever it is, I dunno what I'd do without her.

We didn't go on a run or anything. Just walked around for a while. I guess we talked a little bit, about Mom and stuff, and I felt bad about that, 'cause her mom ditched her. I said sorry about that. She said it was okay... but I don't think it was, 'cause after that, she talked about her mom, and how she basically never did anything with her. Never really cared about her or anything. She might have called once in the past five years or something.

Made me feel pretty bad to hear that. But you know--Aleksandra gets me. But I think I'm starting to get her. I think I'm starting to get why she's so quiet and stuff, compared to other girls. I think her mom leaving her affected her, bigtime, and that makes sense. But it explains why she's so tough. I told her about that--I told her that I bet if she tried to, she could kick my ass.

That made her giggle in that girly way of hers. She kind of socked on the shoulder and said that I was just having fun with her, but I just shook my head and said that she's a lot stronger than I am. She kind of blushed, and looked away, and said that I was pretty strong too. 'Cause I was best friends with Takahashi and all, and even though Mom's fighting for her life in the hospital, I'm still a nice, sweet, "milly"guy.

She kind of leaned against me then, and fell over so that I kind of held her in my arms. I guess she was trying to prove her point, even though she's really light. I said that, and kind of jostled her around a little, but she didn't say a word. Just shut her eyes and sort of lay there. Apparently, I have comfortable arms.

I held her for a while. She looked up at me eventually. Asked if I wanted to kiss her. I said yeah, so she smiled, and kind of... well, she didn't tell me to kiss her, exactly, but I got the idea that that's what she wanted. So I kissed her.

Except, it wasn't on the forehead. It was on the lips.

2/27/09

Seemed like a good day. Dad took us to school. Went to class. Physics was okay. Missed Takahashi, but the new guy was okay.

I went to gym, and Melissa was missing. Asked Coach what was up... he just kind of shook his head and looked away. Went to see the girls Melissa usually hangs out with, and they told me.

She committed suicide. Maybe. No one really knows. Her mom's already in jail, but now her dad is too. Cops think he... he either abused her enough that she did it, or he was the one who did it himself.

Couldn't even think for the rest of the day. I guess I got through class fine, 'cause I didn't flip out like I used to in freshman year. Aleksandra knew something was wrong, but I couldn't even talk to her about it. But she stayed with me. Just... stayed next to me all day.

Dad was a little late getting us from school to go and see Mom. So... when it was just me and Aleksandra hanging out outside, waiting for him to come... I told her.

Melissa wasn't my friend. Not really. Not like Takahashi or Aleksandra. But... she could've been. She probably would've been if we had more time. But she's dead now. Just... and it was her father that did it. Or might have done it. I don't know. But that doesn't even make sense. How can--what Aleksandra's mom did was fucked up, but how can you kill your kid? I'm probably never gonna be a father, but if I was, I would never set a paw on my kid. I don't even get things anymore.

We went to the hospital. Doctors wouldn't let us see Mom. Turns out she's getting worse.

When we got home, Dad just had some vodka and went up to sleep. He looked really sad, but... okay-sad. Gave me and Aleksandra a hug before he went, and that was it.

Aleksandra stayed with me for a while. A long time. Just... sat me down on the couch. Asked if I wanted her to walk for me, but I said no. So she just kind of hugged me, and nuzzled my shoulder and stuff. I guess I had my arm around her... learned that from the way Mom and Dad are all close when they think I'm not around.

She's a real nice girl. A real great friend. She just held me all that time, and sort of said how sad she was for me, 'cause of all the stuff that's been going on... with Takahashi, Mom, and now Melissa.

She kind of sang to me real quietly. Maybe it wasn't even singing. She could have just been purring, or cooing or something. I dunno. But I'm so glad she was there. I was actually starting to feel better when she had to go. Even though... all this stuff is happening... I told her that I'd be alright. Even if... God forbid, but if Mom dies... then... I'll...

I'll be alright. Eventually. Somehow. As long as I have Aleksandra and Dad, I'll be alright. I told her that, and she just smiled at me. Said she wasn't gonna go anywhere. She walked out the door, and when it shut, there was that loud click it makes, and that was it.

I watched her walking home through the window as long as I could. Kind of... weird to say you're not gonna go anywhere, right when you're leaving.

2/28/09

3/01/09

3/02/09

3/03/09

3/04/09

Why did you have to go?

3/05/09

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3/06/09

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3/07/09

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3/08/09

Aleksandra's funeral was yesterday. So was her dad's.

It wasn't like Takahashi's, 'cause the caskets were closed. And there weren't as many people there. Just me, Dad, and a few girls from the volleyball team. No one else really knew Aleksandra or her dad, so...

I think I'm still kind of numb. Have been ever since Friday night. I remember... I went to sleep, then I woke up when all the fire trucks came... ran to Aleksandra's place, and saw them carry... her... body. I didn't even realize it when I was looking right at it... and then I smelled her, and I... don't even remember what happened next. I guess Dad grabbed me or something, because the next thing I remember we were going to the hospital.

But she was dead. Way dead. And so was her dad.

I'm so sad right now. I don't even know what to do. We visited Mom today... no one gave us a straight answer on what was up.

I'm just going to go to sleep right now before I lose my mind.

3/09/09

Went to school. Came back. That's about it.

Everyone pretty much left me alone. Schreiner and Mills tried to talk to me. I just ignored them.

Played Xbox for a few hours. Dad came up with a grilled cheese and a Slim Jim and just kind of watched me play.

I guess he left after a while. Didn't end up having anything for dinner, but I don't care. I'm not hungry.

3/10/09

I played a shit game in gym today. Just... kept thinking about Melissa and what I would talk to her about if she was there.

There was volleyball practice today. Normally, you're not allowed to go there just to watch, but a few of Aleksandra's teammates asked their Coach, and I got to just sit on the bleachers and watch them play. Some of them are pretty good, and some of them are pretty good-looking too... but none of them are like Aleksandra. No one's got her blond hair, her big brown eyes... and no one can even come close to moving like she does.

A few of the girls ended up without rides home. Spent like an hour getting them all back, just to have something to do.

I forgot to call Dad to let him know I was going to be home late. But it didn't matter. It's ten o'clock now, and he's still at work.

3/11/09

I don't remember a thing about school today. Just... couldn't fucking care less. Got home and just took a nap, 'cause I couldn't sleep all last night. Got up, and Dad was still at work... texted him, asked him when he'd get back, but he didn't answer.

Walked around in the woods for a while. It's really quiet, and I used to love that, but now I fuckin' hate it. I wish I had someone to talk to. Shit, I'd walk around with Mom if she was alright, even though it's weird to hang out with your mom like that. But Mom's in the hospital, fighting for her life, and Aleksandra's dead. So is Takahashi, and so is Melissa, and I don't know what the fuck's up with Dad.

Got home a couple minutes ago. Almost passed out, because I haven't been eating much for a few days. But there wasn't much in the fridge, so I'm just gonna go to sleep. I don't fucking care.

3/12/09

Dad didn't even come home last night. I guess he just slept at his office. I wish he'd come home, though. I fucking want to see him, and just... if it was just me and him, it would be okay. I mean, we're gonna be the only tigers in the county if Mom dies. And we're a family, I mean... I don't know.

In study hall, this one kid I know from class was getting picked on. I guess it's 'cause he's a short Indian kid, with big glasses... doesn't speak great English, and he's got one of those dots on his head and all. I didn't give a fuck at first, then I got pissed off, and I almost fucking snapped. Ended up just grabbing the two guys that were doing it and telling them to fuck off, but I swear, I got an inch from tearing their fucking throats out.

Indian kid said thanks; tried to hang out with me, but I just told him to leave me alone. Last thing I need is some FOB motherfucker following me around.

Got home. Didn't feel like playing Xbox. Nothing on TV. Fucked around online for a while, thought about making a Facebook profile or something, but who's gonna add me? So I just sort of walked around the house for a while.

Ordered pizza and soda. Found Dad's liquor cabinet. He doesn't lock it. Never does. So I got the vodka out and just started eating and drinking. I had two pizzas all by myself and almost the whole vodka bottle.

The alcohol's starting to hit me now. Actually, I think I'm gonna barf--

3/13/09

Barely got up in time this morning. I feel like shit today. Didn't have time to shower or anything, so I know I look like shit. Don't remember doing much in physics... I forgot to do the homework, apparently. That's never happened before.

Gym was even worse today. I guess I was pretty hung over. Couldn't get a paw on the ball when I tried, so everyone basically started to play like I wasn't there. That's how it used to be with Melissa.

I ended up sleeping through Calc. Woke up after it was out, yelled at Schreiner, tried to leave, but she had me stay. Just had me sit down while she talked about Takahashi for a while, and about... how important I was to him.

Turns out that old man really liked me. He apparently used to talk about me all the time... about how smart I am, and how even though I'm kind of quiet and weird, I'm gonna do important stuff in my life. He even kind of thought about me like I was his grandson, apparently. Which is weird, but... I dunno. It meant a lot to me.

I think I got what Schreiner was trying to say. No matter what, Takahashi would want me to... just go on with life. Somehow. I think he would understand that I'm sad, but... if he found out I was drinking and shit, then he'd be really disappointed. And even though he's a dead guy, I don't want to... to dishonor his memory or anything. He's Japanese, so honor and all that stuff is really important.

So I didn't go home after school. Went to Dad's office. Went inside, told the lady at the front desk who I was, and she gave Dad a call. He said he was really busy, and didn't want to see me. So I just walked down the hall to his office. Knocked on the door, he didn't answer, so I just went in.

I looked pretty bad today, but Dad was a lot worse. His clothes were all crumpled, and he usually keeps them really clean--and he looked about a hundred years older than he is. He had bloodshot eyes and everything, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't been eating much. Like, even less than me.

Was kind of shocked to see him. I just sort of stared at him for a minute, but he was writing something and he didn't look up. So I walked up to his desk and tried to get him to look at me. He wouldn't do it.

So I started to try to talk to him. I just said "Dad," a few times. Not too loud. Well, not too loud at first. I'm pretty sure I started to yell at him after about a minute, 'cause he kind of flinched, leaned back, and looked up at me. He asked me what I want, so I told him--I just wanted him to come home. Said that we could visit Mom, or... see a movie or some shit; I don't know, whatever fathers and sons do.

He just shook his head and got back to his writing. Told me to go away, 'cause he was busy and he didn't have time for me. That's exactly what he said: "Go home, Alex. I don't have time for you."

And that pissed me off. I've never been pissed at Dad before, ever, but that fucking pissed me off. So, I fucking grabbed the nearest stack of papers and threw it off the desk. Then I smashed one of his glass paperweights, and yelled at him about how I needed him to come home. He just ignored me, kept writing--I was going to grab him and drag him out, but he hit me.

That's the first time in my life my dad's ever hit me. He never hit me before today, not even when I was a kitten. But he hit me pretty hard... just, slap, right across the face, and I was down. Then, Dad grabbed my neck scruff and shirt, and threw me out of his office. I'm pretty sure he was going to hit me more, or... kick me, or something, but a few of his coworkers had come into the hall, so he just told me to fuck off and leave him alone or he'd call the cops.

Then he went back into his office and closed the door behind him.

Some of the guys got me up and asked me what was wrong. I didn't say anything. Just walked out, back to my car, and drove home.

There was a message on the phone, and no one ever leaves us messages... turns out Dad's mom, back in Russia, is dead. I think I talked to her once when I was like five--Mom told me to call her "Babushka" and be nice. Dad was home, but he didn't even want to be in the room when we talked to her.

Got another call. It's just the hospital confirming that Mom can undergo some experimental surgery or something. Apparently, they needed Dad's sign off to do it, and he gave it to them. That means he went to the hospital to see Mom without me.

Got another bottle of vodka and snuck it into the movies. I don't even remember what was playing. Just sat there, watched, drank...

Dunno how I drove home. Dunno how I didn't get run over by a truck, but you know what, I wouldn't give a fuck if I did.

3/14/09

Woke up at like ten today. Looked around for something to eat in the fridge... nothing. Went to the grocery store to get stuff in my PJs. Bunch of people were staring at me; I must've looked like an alcoholic or some shit--but I got some Pop Tarts and stuff, went home, and ate.

I never eat junk food like that. Definitely not for breakfast. Mom usually makes amazing stuff for breakfast... not today. Maybe not ever again. I don't know.

I called Aleksandra. Wanted to hang out. Didn't realize that she's dead. When she didn't pick up, it went to her voicemail... and I heard her voice, in that sweet accent of hers, saying her name. That's pretty much all I have left of her.

I guess if anyone ever wants to hear me crying, all they have to do is get the phone company to give them that voicemail. Because Aleksandra's not going to hear it, ever.

Sat around for a while. Had a shower. Felt fucking sick to my stomach, so I just had a nap for a while. Just realized it was Saturday... doesn't really matter. Dad's still at the office, Mom's still in the hospital, and Takahashi, Melissa, and Aleksandra--and Babushka--are in the ground.

I'm the only one here now... I wish someone would... just call me, or hang out with me, or talk to me, or anything.

Ran out of vodka a few hours ago. Went through Dad's whiskey, scotch, and a few beers. He's gonna be pissed that I stole his shit and that I'm drinking, but I don't give a fuck. He can fucking join Mom in the hospital for all I care.

3/15/09

Dunno when I woke up today. Can't remember what I did for breakfast. Went through more of Dad's alcohol. There's not much left now... when it runs out, I dunno what I'm gonna do.

Walked around for a while in the forest. Threw up in the creek. Went home, sat around, watched shit on TV, ordered another few pizzas. I don't even know why I'm making a log for today. Doesn't matter what I do now. No one cares what I do now. Not even me.

3/16/09

Woke up at like eight. Didn't remember that I had school until like ten... then I decided not to fucking go. Papers are due today... I'll hand mine in late or some shit.

Wandered around outside for a while. Got back. Played Xbox. Felt fucking terrible... was thinking of getting drunk again. But I decided to visit Mom instead.

Went to the hospital, but they didn't want to let me see her. I... pleaded with one doctor for a while... eventually got him to tell me what's going on, because my faggot father's not telling me shit.

Turns out Mom's almost comatose. It's complicated. I don't really get it, and I was kind of hung over when I talked to the doctor anyway. I don't know what's going to happen, but I don't want Mom to die. If she would just end up okay, everything would be alright again.

Ended up going to the cemetery. Melissa's not there yet, 'cause the state's still trying to figure out what happened to her. But now I have two friends there, and there's already a plot reserved for Mom, so I basically belong there myself.

Maybe I should just cut my throat wide open. Then I wouldn't be such a jerk anymore. Dad wouldn't be pissed at me for being a bad son, and I wouldn't miss Aleksandra anymore. Because... I missed her a lot today. I just wanted to be with her again--it would be okay if we didn't touch. Just to see her, and smell her, watch her blush or something...

I'm never gonna get that again. Me and Aleksandra had something... don't even know if it has a name. But we had it, and now it's gone forever.

Went to the edge of the forest today at six. Everyone knows that's where to go if you want to get weed. So I went there and got about an ounce plus paper and stuff. Watched a video on Youtube of how to roll a blunt.

Right now, I'm getting pretty high. If Mom saw me doing this, she'd slap the shit out of me, and I'd deserve it. But if Mom even gets out of the hospital alive, she's probably going to end up being a vegetable.

3/17/09

Woke up on time, showered, stopped at the diner for breakfast, and went to school.

Handed the paper to Mills. She's usually really strict about handing stuff in on time, but she let me slide. I think she knows some shit's been up with me, 'cause at the end of class, she said if I ever needed anyone to talk to, she was right there. And I kind of just held still for a minute. Kind of wanted to talk to her. Ended up just telling her to leave me alone and going.

Basically slept through Calc. Schreiner left me alone.

I had gym today. I think we just ran instead of playing volleyball or anything. Don't remember. I'm getting high again.

3/18/09

Was about to get in my car when Dad got home this morning. I guess the guys at his work made him take a break or something. Dunno. Who cares?

Was actually happy to see him. I said hey and all that, and asked if I could take his bag, 'cause he looked real tired. He just... kind of looked at me, snarled, and spat on me, right on the cheek. Told me to fuck off out of his house.

We were in the kitchen, 'cause the kitchen's connected to the garage door. Knife block was right by me when I headed to the garage, and God, it took everything I had not to grab that cleaver and take Dad's fucking head off.

Settled for taking the sledgehammer to his car instead. Dunno how he didn't notice. Maybe he's drunk too. If I'm lucky, he committed suicide.

Decided not to go to school. Rented a hotel room in town, got a bunch of stuff to eat, and just crashed for like half the day. Got up, did some homework... left my weed at home, so I drove back to the forest and bought more. The guy was selling crack, too... and other stuff. But I didn't touch that shit.

Getting high again. Maybe I'll go to school tomorrow, but if I don't, so what? It doesn't fucking matter, and no one cares anyway.

3/19/09

The guy from the Christian Alliance talked to me in study hall again. I listened to him for like five seconds before just getting up and walking away. Felt kind of bad, but then he started to follow me, so I told him to fuck off and die in a fire. That made me think of Aleksandra... so I just went to the bathroom and sat there for a while. Dunno if I cried or not.

I actually kind of wish I could be a Christian. Maybe then I'd have... just anything, you know? It used to be that I had my parents and my games, and that was enough. I still have my games at home, but if I had my Xbox right now, I'd probably just throw it out the fucking window. Don't want to play any fucking video games.

Went to the cemetery at the end of the day. Hung out with Takahashi for a while... was going to hang out with Aleksandra, but then I decided, know what, fuck her. It's her fucking fault she died, and she fucking left me, so...

What the fuck am I thinking? What the fuck have I been doing? I don't even know anymore. I'm sorry, Aleksandra, Mom, Takahashi, Melissa, Schreiner, Mills, everybody. I don't even know what to think anymore. I wish someone would help me.

I think I got high earlier. Dunno. Didn't want to waste money by using the hotel for another night, so I just drove... somewhere. I dunno.

I'm sleeping in the car tonight, I guess. If I'm lucky, a serial killer or some shit will come by and just put a bullet through my brain.

3/20/09

Went to school. Not much happened. Got home, and Dad was gone again. Guess he went back to work... I dunno.

Thought about getting something to eat, but decided, fuck it. Just grabbed the rest of Dad's alcohol, went to my room, and got as drunk and high as I could. Barfed a few times. Passed out. Woke up after a while, and I have a splitting headache, and I think I'm going to barf again, so I'm just going to stop writing now. Don't want to ruin my log book, and besides, nothing else is going to happen tonight. Nothing else is going to happen ever.

3/21/09

Went to school. Not much happened. Got home, and Dad was gone again. Guess he went back to work... I dunno.

Out of alcohol. Made a fake ID, went to the liquor store in town, and blew like $500 on vodka. Stopped at McDonald's on the way back and bought a ton of food.

I don't even like McDonald's. It's shit, but what else am I gonna eat? I'm tired of pizza, and no one's there to make anything for me. Not Mom, not Aleksandra.

Getting fucked up tonight. Let's just see how long I can last without feeling like I want to jump off a bridge again.

3/22/09

3/23/09

3/24/09

Went to school today. Couldn't even tell you what I've been doing since Saturday. I guess I was pretty drunk and high, but I don't know. I don't remember.

Almost got into a fight at gym. Don't remember what it was about. Just remember some guy yelling at me or something, so I got in his face and told him to shut up or I'd cut his fucking head off.

Got sent to the office. Had to listen to the principal drone on for like an hour. Wasn't too bad. I got used to tuning that shit out in freshman year.

Everyone in my classes are all excited about the prom. I knew from freshman year that I wasn't going to go--the fuck would I do there, anyway? Just... wander around, put on earplugs, and say "sup" to people I barely know and am never gonna see again?

Then I got to thinking. If Aleksandra was around... she'd have wanted to go to the prom. She never said anything about it, I think... I dunno. We had so little time together, but we talked so much. Anyway, I don't think she talked about going to the prom, but she just seems like the kind of person that would like that. And if she'd wanted to go... then I definitely would have gone with her.

But she's dead now. Looks like I'm not going to the prom after all.

3/25/09

3/26/09

3/27/09

Don't remember much over the past few days. I think I got drunk and high a bunch. Might have skipped school... yesterday? No, it was the day before. I think. I dunno. But it doesn't matter. Who fucking cares about school anymore? Fucking Fraser's going to reject me if I keep doing this shit, but who gives a fuck? I don't fucking want to go to college. I don't want to do anything anymore.

I think Dad might have come home yesterday. Just drove up, went to his room, and slept. He yelled at me about his car and told me that if Mom got to know about the kind of a bastard I was being, she'd never look at me again. I swear to God, when he said that, I saw myself breaking down his door and strangling him to fucking death. But I just took it and went back to my room.

I cut myself up a little bit earlier. Just took my knife and flicked it across my wrist. There was a ton of blood... kind of felt good, going down my arm. I mean, it hurt a little too, and I know it's kind of weird, but so is wanting to touch Aleksandra's legs... or her paws, or her sweet little face...

I miss her so much. And I know if she could see me now, she'd be real sad, and disappointed--she might even stop being my friend. She'd probably stop hanging out with me. But it doesn't matter now, because she's gone. If she was around, there's no way I'd be the kind of guy I am now. But she's dead. Never gonna see her, or touch her, or anything, ever again.

I cleaned up my room, and the rest of the house. Got some real food from the grocery store. Just... sat around for a while, then I headed out for a run. Guys at the forest selling drugs called me over, but I told them to fuck off. I don't want weed anymore.

Maybe I'll get better eventually. But I kind of don't want to. Takahashi said the only thing he regrets about his life is that he never found the right girl to settle down with... didn't get it at the time, but now I do. If Aleksandra was around... I can see us being together forever. Just like Mom and Dad used to be. We were gonna go to college together, but if she was still my friend, then I'd do anything for her... she gets a job on the other side of the country, fine--I'd go there with her. I'd visit Ukraine with her, and... fuckin' Mexico, the Statue of Liberty, Canada, San Francisco, everything, anything she wants.

Just realized I'm thinking about her like she's alive. Like thinking about all the things we would have done together will bring her back. But she's gone forever. So I'm never gonna find the right girl--no, I _found_the right girl to settle down with, but she died. That's why I cut myself... got nothing left to do.

Sat around for a while. Watched TV. Cleaned shit. I should have been bored, but I wasn't, because I know that's what I'm gonna be doing for the rest of my life. Just... fucking going to school or work, coming home, and sitting around by myself. Fucking sucks, but what else am I gonna do? No one wants to hang out with me. And I kind of can't blame them. I'm... a real vicious, mean, ugly son-of-a-bitch, but... I just wish Dad would come home. Or someone would drop by and say "sup" or ask me to go somewhere or something.

Not gonna happen, I guess. Ever.

There was a documentary on school shootings on the news tonight. Ended up watching that. Kind of... pretty interesting, actually. Pretty interesting.

3/28/09

Dad's still gone. Oh, well.

I think I'm starting to get used to things... you know, the way my life's gonna end up being. Gonna be alone--gotta wake up on my own, eat, go running or whatever to keep fit, and just find something to do so I don't lose my mind. So I basically did that today. Woke up early, had breakfast, went for a run, got back, and worked out in the basement until I was exhausted.

Dad used to use the weights and machines there. Don't think he's been down in the basement since Mom got in that accident. I mean, he's barely even been home.

I looked at pictures in my yearbooks, just to have something to do. It's funny--I know basically everyone in my school. Maybe not by name, but I know their faces. I definitely know every senior, and I'm pretty sure they all know me, except for a few of the new kids. But fucking none of them have ever--I'll see kids meet each other in the hall and at lunch and stuff. Just say, "hey", sit down, introduce themselves. None of that fucking ever happens to me, except for once, with Aleksandra. And she's dead, so that doesn't count.

I guess I'm not--I'm not a perfect guy. But I'm not that bad. I mean, sure, I can be a little snappy and stuff, but I'm generally a good guy. At least, I used to be, before I started drinking and shit--but even though I quit, no one's going to hang out with me, ever. Aleksandra was my only friend, and that's probably because she's about as weird as I am, just in different ways.

Watched a bunch of videos of Virginia Tech and Columbine online. I used to think those videos that Cho took were like jihadi videos... 'cause he said so much, but so little at the same time. Now it's different, though. Now, I _get_him, 'cause he's talking to me.

Went to the army surplus store a couple hours ago, and bought a combat vest, body armor, and some other shit.

Thanks for giving me your money, Takahashi... I promise I'll donate some of it. I promise.

3/29/09

Worked out again today. More running, plus some weight lifting. Not trying to get big like Dad is... I just want to be fit, you know? Fast, agile, deadly... just like Aleksandra was.

Sat around at home for a while. Was okay for a while, but then I got bored and depressed out of my fucking skull. I was still tired, but I couldn't sleep; couldn't mess around online and nothing was on TV. I ended up getting _this_close to cutting myself again, but I decided to look up Columbine on the internet again.

Those two guys, man... almost ten years ago, they changed the world. And they kind of dressed like me, too--I mean, no one really wears trenchcoats except for me and them. Maybe Cho did, too. I dunno. But I bet he did.

Anyway, I got to thinking... they did some serious shit. But that was all with guns. If they weren't idiots and made their bombs properly, it would have been like ten times as bad. I mean good. I mean bad. I dunno.

But I guess it's not their fault. I mean, they didn't know shit about electronics and stuff... but I do. Back in freshman year, I figured out how to use an alarm clock to launch a model rocket... rigged up a bunch of those and surprised Mom with them for her birthday. Was kind of stupid, but those kinds of things are... what I wish I could do now. And they're what I will do, if Mom ever gets out of that hospital. But she probably won't, 'cause I tried calling the doctors up to see what was going on with her, but they didn't answer.

I should have at least one parent now. But Dad's being an asshole, so it's just me. _Just_me. No one else. Just me...

Went to visit Aleksandra and Takahashi again. I said sorry to them both for fucking my life up, but I told them that I can't do anything about it. I... don't even know what I need for sure. But I need it bad, and I can't do anything without it. And I'm not getting it.

Hung out with Aleksandra for a while. I miss her so much--wish I had at least one picture of her, but I don't. Got nothing of her left. Just what I can remember.

I went to the mall, just to try to feel like someone Aleksandra used to be friends with. Didn't really work. Ended up buying a pair of boots at some sports store. That's about it.

3/30/09

Fuck school. I fucking hate school and everyone in it. Wish they would just fuck off and die. Fuck them all. Just fuck off and die.

4/01/09

Everything was all better today. Dad came home, Mom got better, I converted to Christianity and Takahashi, Melissa, Aleksandra, and her dad all came back to life.

April Fool's!

School was shit as usual. Fucking pricks. Schreiner's doing jack-shit in Calc, and Mills keeps yapping about random fucking shit in English. Gym was okay, mostly because I spiked the ball really hard--nailed some bitch right in the face. She was out for the rest of the period... blood pouring from her snout and everything. Made me feel fucking warm inside.

I toned it down today, though. Faked nice when fuckers tried to talk to me, but pretty much stayed quiet. I don't want to get sent to the office every day, or get thrown back in special services. I can tell everyone's keeping a pretty close eye on me, since they know what's been up with Takahashi, Melissa, Aleksandra, and Mom.

It's actually... if they actually cared about me, they would do something. They could do something. Everyone knows everyone around here, and everyone knows what's going on with everyone. But no one gives a fuck about me, so fuck them all. Seriously--fuck them all.

Went to the hardware stores today. Bought a bunch of copper pipe in one, and a bunch of endcaps in the other. Dunno where I'm gonna get gunpowder and fuse, but I'll find something out. And it's not... that I'm gonna use them on anyone. I just want to set them off. Probably. Maybe. I don't know. Things don't make any sense anymore. I don't know what's happening to me.

4/02/09

Skipped school today. Just... didn't feel like going. Got up early, made myself a breakfast bagel like Mom does. I tried to, anyway. It was okay. But no one can get bacon as crispy as Mom can.

Went running and lifted some more weights. It's neat--I guess it's cause I'm a tiger, but I can get crazy fit really fast. I mean, Dad only started to lift weights like last year, but he's huge. I don't want to get like that, ever... but I guess it doesn't matter. I don't think I have time to get that big. Don't think I'm gonna live for another year.

Felt pretty fucking terrible today. Didn't touch alcohol or drugs, just... I dunno. I missed Aleksandra a lot, and Mom. Went to the cemetery again, but I dunno. I tried to talk to her like I usually do, but now I just felt stupid talking to a stone in the ground. Tried writing to her, and that kind of worked. Just ripped a piece of paper out of the back of my logs... December something. Dunno what I'm going to do when I get to that day. If I get to that day.

Anyway, I basically wrote Aleksandra a letter. Told her how much I miss her, and about what's been going on with me and Dad and Mom and stuff. Told her that I would've loved to go to college with her... and more than college. Told her that we could have been best buddies forever if she didn't die. Asked her why she left me.

Then I realized she's not going to answer. Ever. So I ripped the letter up and threw it away.

Wanted to visit Mom. Turns out she got transferred to another hospital... doctors wouldn't tell me which one. Said it's some privacy bullshit, and I have to ask Dad.

I felt like fucking killing myself. But I decided to do something useful instead. I'm eighteen now, so I just went to the gun store and bought a ton of shit... ammo, gunpowder, and all kinds of magazines. Dunno why. Just... blew like thousands of dollars, just like that. Then I went to the fireworks supply store and bought like nine feet of cannon fuse.

I'm making pipe bombs now. A bunch of them. Made them in my basement on a few different tables, just to be a badass. Felt real satisfying to drill those holes and glue those pieces of fuse in. Now, I've got fucking twenty four pipe bombs--it's crazy. I put them all in a pile and just looked at them for a while. Felt them and stuff. They're all cold and hard... it's kind of scary.

Took a few pictures of them. Thought about putting them online, but I figured, fuck it. Just left them on my computer.

4/03/09

I got in trouble at school today. Some jock pushed me in gym, so I punched him in the mouth. He got hurt pretty bad... almost got a broken jaw. Definitely broke a bunch of his teeth. Got sent to the office. Pretty much kept my mouth shut and said that he pushed me first, which he did, but they're still suspending me.

They called Dad to pick me up. He just told them to do whatever and hung up. So I had to stay in this one classroom for the rest of the day, all by myself. Couldn't do shit except for think. Got fucking depressed again... started to look for something to cut myself with, or... slam my head into or something, when I realized that I shouldn't be hurting myself.

I mean, it's not me that's been doing this. It's not me. It's every fucking other person in this school, this town, this entire God-damned country. It's fucking their fault--all of them. I should cut them up, not me, because they're doing this to me. They're the fucking ones who fucking laugh at me, and talk shit about me behind my back, and don't give a fuck about me. Fuck them.

Fuck them--I'm going to get them back. Gonna get even. Fuck them all. I'm going to get as many of them as I possibly can, because they killed me. Aleksandra was an angel, and they fucking took her from me--they killed her too. All of them. Every fucking person walking on the street is responsible for this.

Went home. I'm feeling... I can't describe it. I used to be fucking lethargic... just wanted to sleep all day. That's why I worked out until I got exhausted, and fucking drank and smoked. But now I'm fucking wired. I know what I'm gonna do. I know how I'm going to get those motherfuckers back.

Well, kind of. I need--there's a ton of shit I need to do. This is going to be big. Really big.

All the stores are closed now. That's fine. I have a lot of planning to do.

4/04/09

Busy day. Got up, had some cereal and fruit, went on a run. Worked out a little bit. Mostly for endurance and stuff. I don't need to be that strong, just fast, agile, all that stuff. Did some sprints and squats and stuff so that I can jump higher.

I could dunk pretty much since freshman year. Now, I can get my head higher than the basketball rim if I want to. That's good. Could be useful.

Tested a pipe bomb in the forest. Not the one near Fox Chase--the other one, way out by where Takahashi used to live. No one ever goes there, and no one heard it--and it was _fucking_loud. And it was really powerful, too--took down like twenty square feet of bushes and stuff, but that's not what I was looking for. I looked for shrapnel... and I found a good amount of it up to fifty yards away.

These fuckin' things are deadly up to fifty yards away. That's great--shit, that's way more than I need.

Had some sake at home to celebrate. Then I went to the freezer... realized that all that green tea ice cream Takahashi gave us is still there.

I'm gonna miss that old guy. But not for much longer. And I'm saving his ice cream until later. Until like the night before. Then I'm going to have it all.

Did some research online. Took a bunch of notes. Was almost like being in school, heh. But I have a few good ideas now. This is going to be a fucking tribute to everyone who stood up for themselves--but that's not all. I'm doing this all by myself, so this is going to be me, too. I fucking love the forests, so...

Getting ideas like crazy now. Gonna takes notes of them now. Will write more logs later.

...

Bought the electronics stuff at the hobby shop. Got the fertilizer and stuff from Home Depot. I was pretty careful to be all social and normal and shit--didn't even wear my trenchcoat. Just smiled a lot, said hi to the cashiers and all, and no one looked at me twice. Tough to believe how gullible these fucking pricks are. That's just part of the reason I hate them.

This might get expensive. I haven't even bought guns yet, and I know I can't buy a ton of good shit at once, or people are going to get suspicious. And there's only one good gun store around here for hours.

But I promised I'm gonna give part of Takahashi's money away, so I will. I keep my promises.

Tried to find out what's up with Mom a few minutes ago. Everyone's just giving me the runaround.

I wish Mom would get better. I think she's the only one that can do something for me now.

4/05/09

Ran pretty hard today. Decided not to work out. Relaxed and kept researching about the shit I'm going to do.

I guess I better document this stuff. So that people know exactly what the fuck I did, and why, and how. I'm not giving it to some corporate news network, though--nah, the minute I'm ready, all of this is hitting the 'net. And who knows? Eric and Dylan motivated so many people, just like Cho, and they weren't that great. But what I'm going to do will be. I hope I get a lot of people like us off their asses and the fucking video games.

Hit up the dealers at five today. I bought some weed and asked them where I can get guns. Like, not the legal kind with the paper trail.

They said a guy in a Lincoln's coming up to the abandoned warehouses at the old dynamite factory tomorrow at eight. He sounds like my best option... I don't want to go there without a gun of my own, but I don't really have a choice. I can't pass a background check, and I can't exactly ask Dad to buy a gun for me.

I don't really know how to shoot a gun, so I watched a bunch of instructional videos online. I think I've got it down, but I want to practice... got to practice a ton, starting tomorrow. I'm out of school for the whole week, so I'll have plenty of time.

4/06/09

Hell of a fucking day. And I mean that in a good way.

Got up bright and early as usual, went running. This time it was just sprints... easy stuff, since I'm a tiger. Practiced jumping, diving, rolling, climbing, all that shit--and then I realized that it's not going to help me too much because I'm pretty light, and all the shit I'm going to carry is heavy. Bought one of those weight vests after lunch... gonna start using it tomorrow.

Walked around in the woods outside of school for a while. I think I've got a good idea of what I'm going to do. Gonna park my car, walk in through the woods... hmm. That's a good way to start, but I need to make sure my plan for getting away from the school is pretty good, too. I don't want the cops to stop me before I've done enough.

I thought about Aleksandra a little bit today. And Takahashi. And about Mom. If any one of them were with me, they'd stop me. Definitely. They'd do it somehow, and then it would all be okay again. I'd be a normal guy again, someday. But they're all either dead or about to be dead.

I dunno if Dad could stop me now. Doubt it. If I see him again, I'll probably knock him out. Or just shoot him in the head. Dunno.

Heh, come to think of it, I could shoot Dad in the head now. Like, right now. Just drive into his fucking office, walk out like the Terminator, and execute that motherfucker with my fucking MP5.

I got an MP5. That guy with the Lincoln--he's fucking sweet, man. I got an MP5, an M16, a GLOCK, and something else... heheh. Motherfucker didn't even ask me what I wanted all that shit for--just cash and carry.

Maybe it's because he was a Russian guy, too. That's probably it. We Russians are fucking badass, man. Fucking blond haired, blue eyed motherfuckers that know to stick together and fuck shit up when we have to. Fucking sick, man.

I practiced with my guns in the woods. Used a Sharpie to draw targets on trees and shit, and just started shooting.

MP5's pretty accurate out to like 150 yards. Powerful enough at that range, too. GLOCK's tough to shoot past like forty yards, but it's just my backup. And the M16 is fuckin' crazy--it can shoot about as far as I can see, which is like 600 yards. And the fucking burst feature is sweet... can keep all three shots on a fucking skull at 200 yards, no sweat.

I put it on full auto just once. Blazed through the whole magazine like that. Just pulled the trigger, and BAM, every shot gone. Sucks that it's too big and loud, though--gonna have to save it until when I'm in the car. Or the forest. I dunno. Gonna have to see.

Wasted a good amount of ammo today. But so what? It was all for practice. Besides, I have a bunch more left.

I finished making the fertilizer bomb like ten minutes ago. Put it in my backpack... it's good. Just finished making the circuit that lets me pick when it's gonna go off. Now, I feel fucking sick to my stomach--it got even worse when I poured the nails and shit in there with it, so that it'll make a bunch of fucking shrapnel.

Shit... I... I dunno. I don't think I'm gonna barf, I just feel really, really bad. I dunno what it is. Or why.

I wish you were still here, Aleksandra. Or Takahashi. Mom. Melissa. Dad. Anyone. I feel fucking terrible, and I wish someone would just talk to me or stop me or something, and I don't know why. I'm really... I'm starting to scare myself. I want to die, but I don't want to die, and I want to kill everyone, but I know it's wrong... but I don't know. I just fucking don't know anymore.

4/07/09

I knocked Dad out today. Got to make a note of that before I do anything else.

Long day. Ran, worked out, all that shit. Took more pictures of my guns and bombs and stuff. Took a few pictures of me, too... just posing with the guns and stuff like Cho did. Most of them were in my room, but a few were in the forest, and back behind the warehouse. Just felt like driving around a lot today. I dunno.

Had lunch way out somewhere. Wasn't bad. Don't remember what I had. The waitress was nice enough... I think she could tell something was up, 'cause she called me "hon" and asked what was wrong.

I just asked for the check. Left her a good tip, though.

Anyway, I got home, and there's Dad blubbering his fucking brains out at the dinner table. Crying about how they think Mom's not gonna last another week. When he said that, I... pretty much... I dunno. Couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't anything. I thought I was ready for Mom to die, but... when he just said it, like that, I think _I_died.

Fucking Dad keeps crying about how sorry he is and shit. About the way he's been treating me, I mean. Gets up, comes toward me and I think he was gonna hug me--but then I saw that he'd been eating a lot. Tons of shit from the fridge, from some Chinese takeout place, plus pizza, plus vodka... but...

I am gonna try real fucking hard to write this without tearing through my fucking log book. I don't know why I didn't just kill that fucking prick right there.

I saw something green on Dad's fucking lip. Looked down, and there's that tub of green tea ice cream Takahashi gave me... fuckin' empty.

I fucking drilled Dad right in the fucking--right near his jaw and his neck. I think. I couldn't even fucking think straight. I still can't. I swear, I'm seeing blood right now. I fucking punched him as hard as I could, and since I've been working out, it was pretty hard. Fucker went down like that. Was going to stomp him or stab him or some shit--or I could have just gone to my car, grabbed my GLOCK, and popped him in the head.

Just didn't feel like it, though. I was still fuckin' pissed off--I'm still _fucking_pissed off, but when I saw him down like that, on the floor, with his fur all wet with tears... I just, I dunno. Just walked away, tore off the fridge door, and jumped back in my car.

I shot the Hell out of my guns afterward. Ran 'em all pretty hard... no problems. I can't fucking wait to test them out on actual people. Fucking mow motherfuckers down.

Dad just texted me like twice. Tried to call me. Almost broke my fucking phone 'cause I'm so angry. My paws are fuckin' shaking--I swear to God, if I feel like this when I do it, I'm going to kill every fucking person in Rob Lee. Every fucking person.

4/08/09

Slept in the car again last night. Took my cell phone's battery out so Dad can't fuck with me.

All of my shit's in my car now... wallet, guns, laptop, bombs, extra clothes, everything. I dunno if I'm gonna go home again until after... actually, I guess I'm not gonna need to go home ever. No reason to, right? I mean, I can just bounce around the hotels until it's time... get clean towels, a made-up bed and all that shit.

It's almost like having Mom around, except the hotel doesn't love me. No one loves me anymore, though. Whatever.

I missed Mom a lot today. I wish I could see her, but I can't, without Dad finding out about it--and if he finds out about it, he's going to come to see me, and I'm going to fucking murder him, and that's going to ruin everything.

I ran a bunch, I guess. Worked out... practiced moving and shooting and stuff. I'm getting pretty good at it, but today I just felt fucking numb. Even if I go through with this, I dunno. It's not going to make me happy. Nothing's going to make me happy. I'm a fucking jerk, and I deserve being miserable. Fuck me.

Laid around. Ordered a pizza and some soda. Couldn't eat more than a slice... ended up spilling most of the soda on the carpet. Maid's going to have fun cleaning that up... so I'm leaving her a ten dollar bill on the bed. Not her fault I'm an asshole.

When I was younger, Mom apparently used to sneak into my room when I was asleep, just to hold me and pet me and stuff. 'Cause I never let her do it much when I was awake--so she had to do it when I was asleep. She told me like a year ago, and I kind of didn't like it at the time. I mean, I didn't like it at all. Told Mom I'm going to sleep with one eye open from now on. She laughed, but then she got pretty sad.

I think I get it now. I'm Mom's son, and she wanted to touch me. Not much, or every day, but just a little bit, you know? I... wish I'd have let her touch me more, before she fucking got sent to the hospital. 'Cause now, I don't think she's ever going to touch me again. No one's ever going to touch me again.

Cut myself again a little bit. Dunno why. I got big plans, but I dunno. I guess if I die tonight, I won't do it. Who cares? It doesn't fucking matter. I don't fucking matter.

I'm lying down now. Losing a fair amount of blood. Feeling pretty drowsy... I guess I'm gonna sleep now. Dunno what time it is. Don't care.

You know... I used to hate the idea that Mom came in my room when I was sleeping to hold me and stuff. But if she would do it tonight... just... come in, pat me on the shoulder, or snuggle me, or something...

Come on, Mom. Please... just touch me one more time. I need you so bad.

4/09/09

4/10/09

Took a bunch of videos yesterday. Mostly of myself, explaining what I'm gonna do and why. Felt pretty tired, so I just stayed in the hotel and fucked around online. Looked shit up, got a few more ideas, ate... that's about it.

I'm gonna try to eat right from here on out. Fast food is shit--it makes me tired and depressed. Can't think, or run, or do anything when I'm on that shit. So from here on out, I'm eating cereal, pasta, vegetables, and fruit in whatever hotel I'm in, and I'm going out for dinner every night to get meat.

Emailed Dad earlier. Told him I was turning my phone on, but he better not fucking text me or call me or anything, unless it's got to do with Mom, or I'm cutting my head off. Sent him a picture of me with my knife to my throat... and I guess he took it seriously. Bastard's been leaving me alone so far, anyway.

Felt a little better around afternoon. Went on a run... just to clear my mind and stuff. It kind of worked, and I think... as long as I don't think about things too hard, and just focus on how pissed off I am at everything... then it'll go well. So I'm going to stop right now and just think about all the fucking shit that's been done to me before I change my mind again.

4/11/09

Nine

I'm counting down days now. Got to do that... got to keep my goals in mind or I'll change my mind or some shit and commit suicide. And I don't want to do that. I'm not gonna go down quietly, like everyone else. I'm going to go down by making as many people as I can bleed.

Switched hotels. Worked out a ton at this gym in town. Didn't go running, but I did go shooting. But not just targets and shit. I shot down birds, and squirrels... rabbits... you know, little animals. Mostly, I just tried to take 'em down with one shot to practice my accuracy and shit... but a couple times, I would cap them in like the leg, or the wing, and go up to them and step on them or stab them, stomp them, or shoot them until they were just little, bloody parts on the ground.

All the fuckin' bloodshed, man, it gets the heart beating. Just seeing those little fuckers bleed and die... God, I love the feeling.

I ate properly today, I guess. Not much more to say. I looked back through my logs for February and shit--back when Aleksandra was alive, and I hung out with her, I mean. I didn't look through 'em for more than a couple seconds, 'cause every time I think about her too much I just want to dig a hole, crawl in and die. But I just took a look to see, you know?

Back then, my logs used to be pretty big. Had to staple extra pages in there and everything. I guess I used to do a lot with my days back then... used to do stuff that needed keeping track of.

Not anymore, I guess. Not really enjoying life anymore. Nothing happens to me that I really need to note down. These days, I pretty much exercise, eat, practice with my guns... that's about it. I mean, I already made the bombs and the detonation set-up for the fertilizer bomb--shit, I guess I need to get a lighter. I tested my pipe bomb with a match, but when I'm fucking running and blowing peoples' heads off, I can't really light a match.

I need to get one of those voice recorder things, too. So that when it goes down, I can record everything. Maybe I'll get a video recorder, too. Everything's got to hit the internet, so that everyone knows, and sees, and hears, and feels what the fuck is going to happen in Rob Lee High School, on April 20th, 2009.

4/12/09

Eight

Got my lighter. And a voice recorder. It came with a microphone, but I got a throat mike. I don't want gunshots and shit getting in the way of what I have to say. 'Cause what I have to say is fuckin' important. Everyone had a hundred thousand chances to stop this, but they fucking pushed me into a corner and gave me _one_option.

I guess I didn't do much today. More practice and shit. That's about it. Did some shooting and running... not much more to say than that.

Thought about Aleksandra, earlier. Got fucking depressed. She'd be so sad and disappointed if she saw me now. Maybe I shouldn't do this. Maybe I should just go home. I don't know.

4/13/09

Seven

Got school today. Woke up, went for a run, got back, ate breakfast, and then I remembered. I didn't have to rush to get there, though. I guess I'm waking up pretty early these days. Maybe it's because I'm taking naps and stuff. I dunno.

I kept pretty much to myself. Didn't talk to anyone. Barely even looked anyone in the eye. Just... fucking leave me alone, alright? I'll get through this. Maybe. I mean, I don't have to do what I'm planning. If I call it all off now, no one's ever gonna know, and I can fix things, and... grow old all by myself and die alone. And then maybe someone will find my body a few years later, if I'm lucky.

I dunno.

Mills left me alone, but Schreiner tried to talk to me. I kind of looked away, and just said that I'd be alright. I guess she bought it. I wish I could buy it. I wish everything would end up alright. But it's not gonna be alright. I still don't want to do this, but I don't have a choice. I'm fucking afraid, man--I can't explain it. I don't want to die, but that's what's gonna happen if I go through with it.

I wish things hadn't come to this. I'm dead and fucked no matter what I do.

Right now I'm just driving around in my car. I guess I'm gonna end up sleeping in my car, 'cause I don't want to stay at the hotel again and I'm not going home. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll fall asleep at the wheel, drive off a bridge and drown.

4/14/09

Six

Today reminded me why I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. Missed some easy ball or something in gym, and everyone fucking yelled at me... called me a fucking loser, and a prick, and all sorts of shit. One of them said that it was my fault that Melissa's dead, 'cause I used to be a dick to her. Ended up just heading to the office and getting yelled out by the principal for acting up right after getting suspended.

Usually, principals and shit treat me... like they want things to get better. Like they're trying to help me. It's all bullshit, I know, but today was different. It's like I've been... written off, I guess. Like they know that I'm never gonna be normal or happy or anything.

Ended up getting away from them by saying that I had to visit Mom. And I felt bad about lying about shit like that, but nothing matters anymore, and besides, I didn't have a choice. I don't have any choices anymore.

Practiced shooting for a while. Went running for a really long time. Ended up getting exhausted in the forest and just sitting down. Just... sat there, looked around at the trees and stuff, and the mountains, and the clouds.

I guess I'm actually kind of lucky to live where I do. The landscape's great for a tiger like me. It's pretty cool, and dark, and windy, and there are mountains all around. It's really sweet--that's why I always used to sneak into the forests just to hang out when I was a cub. Scared Mom and Dad a few times, apparently, but I always came home. Or let them find me. Eventually.

I wish someone would find me now. Anyone. Ideally, it would be an angel... a fuckin'... beautiful female, with pale fur and big brown eyes, blushing, with a smile just for me.

I guess I'm going to cry until I go to sleep tonight. I miss Aleksandra so much.

4/15/09

Five

Nothing to report in school. Kept my head down. Pretty much everyone's ignoring me. A couple people kind of look at me and whisper and shit when I'm around or walking by, but I don't do anything about it anymore. Why should I? They're all gonna die, even if I don't go through with it. Everyone fuckin' dies. Life doesn't matter.

Went to the cemetery just to see Aleksandra and Takahashi. Melissa's still not there. I hope I get to see her again, just once before I die.

I used to be able to just hang out with Aleksandra and Takahashi. After they died, I mean. But today, I just sort of stood there, and... I dunno. I dunno. Couldn't feel anything. Except cold. Even though it was kind of warm out and I had my coat on and everything, I felt so cold.

Practiced shooting. Felt damn numb the whole while through. Put my gun to my head a few times, but I couldn't pull the trigger, because I was too fucking afraid.

I'm miserable and pathetic in every way. I hope I get caught and thrown in jail forever.

4/16/09

Four

4/17/09

Three

Don't remember what I did yesterday. I think I drank, but didn't get drunk. I dunno. I think I remember running, but I'm not sure. I don't know. Doesn't matter anymore.

Went to school today. Don't think anything important happened. I guess I'm just... sort of floating by these days. It's fucking terrible, I mean... I've only got one life, and I only have a few days of it left. I should be fucking living it up, but I just... I can't enjoy anything. I took myself out to dinner, and I walked around the woods for hours, but I just can't be happy.

I wish I could fix things. But I also wish I couldn't. Wish the only thing I could feel these days would be hate. I mean, I fucking hate everything I see, or at least, I think I do, but I'm... sad, and tired, and just fucking sick of everything. Even myself.

I think I get why the principal wrote me off now. I'm a fucking waste of space.

I guess I shouldn't be focusing on that. If I'm not going to die a pathetic death--if I'm not going to be some fucking bug on the ground that they happened to step on, I have to get my game face on, starting now. Have to start fucking being the man I know I can be. Have to quit curling up the corner and crying--gonna have to start hitting back. Because they're never gonna stop hitting me. Never gonna stop attacking me.

Went running and shit after school. Started a fire in the woods 'cause it was kind of cold. Just sat there for a while, warmed my paws up, and thought.

Got back home a while ago. Apparently Dad's back, too. Heard him get in like ten minutes ago. Heard him running around through the house, calling me. I guess he saw my car in the garage, but what do I care?

I locked my door, and I'm fucking glad I did. It's a pretty tough door, and kind of soundproof. I can hear Dad on the other side, crying and begging to talk to me and shit. I think he's clawing at the door too, but he can do that all fuckin' night for all I care.

It's late, and I got a lot of shit to do tomorrow. Dad just texted me, like that's going to get him let in, so I cut my neck a little bit and took a picture. Sent it back to him. And I guess he got the fucking idea, because it's quiet now. He's leaving me alone again.

Good riddance, motherfucker. I wish it was you, not Mom, who was in the hospital.

4/18/09

Two

Fuck it. I'm going through with it.

Woke up in the morning pissed off. Dunno why. Wasn't at anything or anyone specifically. Just fucking angry the second I got out of bed. Before that, even.

Got a bunch of tannerite at the gun store. Bought a ton of gasoline in a couple of those big five gallon tanks. Got some more nails and ball bearings and shit at the hardware store. Got all the alcohol bottles I went through and started to fill them up. Took me a couple hours to get all that shit ready.

I guess Dad's at work. Haven't seen him since last night. Actually, I guess I didn't even see him last night, but that's fine. Don't fucking want to. Fuck you, Dad.

He left me a note on my door. More than a note, actually. Like a few pages of shit that he paw-wrote. Didn't read past the first line--just read "Alex," and that was it. Tore that fuckin' thing down, stomped on it, and threw it in the trash.

Took a bunch more pictures. And more videos. I have a pretty big collection now, but that's fine. I guess I'll just... rar them, put them on all the hosting sites I can find, put links on every fuckin' forum ever, make torrents, and send all the shit to all the news channels and sites out there.

Shot a lot today. Ate at home. Ran pretty hard. Pretty hard, I mean... I didn't stop until I was panting, sweating, had to just stop or I'd pass out.

On the way back, one of the neighbor's dogs got loose. Always hated that fuckin' dog--when I was a kitten, it always used to just look at me when me and Dad were walking around--and I always had to like hide behind Dad, because back then, he used to be taller than me. And more dangerous. And I used to love him and trust him.

But anyway, I always hated that fucking dog. It got lose, and fucking came at me.

But today, I was packing--not my gun, just my knife. It tried to jump on me, but I fuckin'--I brought my foot up and kicked it in the face, and it went down. Before it could get up, I fucking pounced it, and stabbed it so many fucking times. I guess it died pretty quick, but I didn't give a fuck. I stomped on its fucking chest until it was a fucking pulp, and then I washed myself off in the creek and went home.

It feels really good to kill. I can't explain it, it's just... so amazing. It's like--it's like when Aleksandra used to talk to me. Like when she used to... be real close to me, and hug me, and just talk to me.

It's not really like that. But it kind of is. When Aleksandra was with me, I just felt like someone understood me. And that's exactly how I feel when I kill shit. When they're really bleeding and about ten seconds from fucking croaking, I think they get me, you know? I think they get me.

I don't think there's any turning back now. And you know what--at this point, I don't even want to turn back.

4/19/09

One

Preparations are done. Got everything I need all set up, except for what I have to do tomorrow. Got my plan in my mind pretty good, so... I guess all that's left is for me to do it.

I'm shaking. Fuckin'... paws won't stay still. It's like right before the storm, when the air used to be wet but now it's dry, and there used to be a ton of wind, but now it's all dark and peaceful--it's just like that. Fuckin' electricity's in the air, but there's no lighting, but there's going to be some shit real soon.

Didn't shoot today. Just ran a little bit, came home, showered, and cleaned my guns. Then I drove around town for a while... gonna be the last time I ever see everything. All the forests, the stores, the houses... little cubs, running around and playing...

I wish it didn't come to this. But this is how things are. I couldn't even stop it now if I wanted to. Everyone has to fucking suffer for what they did to me. If I can do it, I'm killing cubs--I mean, young cubs, not just freshman. They're all fuckin' dying.

You know, I wish I had more time to plan this. I'm a smart guy--like, a _fucking_smart guy. If I had time, and I knew how to plan this shit out without getting suicidal every ten minutes, I'd be able to kill the fucking President, Congress, military leaders, everyone. Plus, I'd have more time to just... walk around in the forests, and the mountains.

Could've gone to Krebs' again. Then again, I kind of... it kind of makes sense that the last time I ever went there was with Aleksandra. It's like... my life was tied to hers, you know? I mean, it only really started to go downhill when she died. When she died, I died.

Oh yeah--I visited her today. Just... sat in front of her for a while. Tried to remember what she looks like--was hard. I guess I shouldn't have used those fucking drugs and that fucking alcohol. That shit is my fault--but there's nothing I can do about it now. And even though I had a tough time remembering what she looks like, I remember what she feels like. What she smells like. And what her heartbeat and breathing sound like, when she's so close to me that I can feel those too.

I missed her today. I guess I always will... for all of one more day on this fucking, shitty planet. I missed Mom too, and Takahashi, and Melissa--and I actually missed the way me and Dad used to be, too. I was never the kind of cub that liked being touched or anything, but I guess Dad used to force me, just a little. That's why there's this one picture of me and him--I was like two at the time, just a really small kitten. My hair was like white back then... guess it hasn't really darkened up that much.

Anyway, we're both on a chair, and Dad's kind of holding me. You can tell I'm asleep, 'cause for one thing, my eyes are closed, and for another, I'm not struggling to get away. Sun's all bright and stuff, and Dad's wearing shorts, and he never wears shorts anymore--just slacks and jeans, that's it. Me, I was wearing... I don't know. And I can't find out. I don't know where that picture is, and I can't ask Mom to find it for me.

I guess I just did a lot of remembering today. Thinking about my life and stuff. I'm not gonna lie--there were good times. There were pretty good times, like when me, Mom and Dad went to Florida--not even shit like that. Just... the simple stuff, you know? Like when me and Dad hung out after I helped him salt the driveway and the parking lot around his office.

Or when me and Takahashi hung out after class. Or at the Japanese place. Or all that time me and Aleksandra spent together. It doesn't even matter that it wasn't always just the two of us--we really had something special, you know? I would have done anything for that girl. Anything she wanted... all she'd have to do is say the word, and I'd find a way to do it.

I wonder if life would be better for me if I'd never met her. At least then I wouldn't feel so fucking sad. I'd just... kind of wander through life, like I'd been doing before she showed up. I'd never be happy, and one day I'd probably die, but I'd never feel this fucking bad. Never do what I'm going to do tomorrow.

Guess there's no point in what-iffing my life. All that matters--all that's fucking _left_is what's going to happen tomorrow.

Tested out my voice recorder a few times. Works fine. Consolidated all my shit... the pictures, the videos, all that, and got them into .rars and a torrent. First thing tomorrow morning, they're hitting the net.

You know, it's kind of hard to believe it's gotten to this point. Mom and Dad only used to tell me what a good cub I was, and I was never... I mean, I was always a little weird, but it was never--I never wanted to kill anyone before. And even though the other cubs didn't like me, some of the teachers did. Some of them thought I was really sweet and smart. Second grade teacher even said that she was gonna keep up with me, 'cause she figured I'd win the Nobel Prize someday.

I used to fucking believe that shit. I used to want--I used to want, and I used to have dreams. I guess I grew up when I got into high school, but Aleksandra made me feel like a cub again... all happy, and hopeful, like life has a fucking point.

I know better now. But it was nice to believe in something, just for a little while. So... thanks, Aleksandra. But tomorrow is gonna be... I don't even know how to describe it.

I guess I'm still kind of afraid. And to be honest, I'm not even in the mood to do it right now. I just feel fucking sick.

Oh yeah... I donated the rest of Takahashi's money today. Gave it all to the Red Cross. I hope the transaction goes through, 'cause I'm not gonna be around to fix things if it doesn't.

4/20/09

Zero

This is it. Today's the day. I'm shaking, but I'm numb, and I dunno--shit, why the Hell am I writing?

...

Alright, my voice recorder is working. I guess this is how I'm gonna keep track of whatever I do today. Because I don't know if I'm gonna go through with it, yet. I mean, I set all that shit up in the woods, and my fertilizer bomb is set, but I don't know. I just... I just want to do something, and know that it's what I should be doing when I'm doing it. And I don't know if I should be doing this.

Guess I'm gonna just... head to school, and take things from there. Guess we'll have to see what happens.

I'm having some cereal for breakfast. But I guess the recording's gonna pick that up. Maybe. Dunno if a throat mike will pick up me chewing... guess I'll never know. It's just another thing about life that I'm never gonna figure out.

All my stuff's on my laptop. It's ready to be uploaded like that, so... if I go through with it, I'll just use the school's network to get it all online and out there. I figured out the wireless key like last year, and they still haven't changed it.

I'm gonna head to school now. I'm turning off my mike so that I don't waste power. I still don't know what's going to happen.

It would just be easier if someone came up to me and tried to shoot me, because then I'd just go crazy. I wouldn't have to think about what I'm about to do.

...

Okay, I just planted the fertilizer bomb. I set the detonator up in the car, put it back in my backpack, hooked everything up. Went to the cafeteria... some janitor guy said hey to me; I just ignored him. I just left my backpack next to one table and kind of kicked it under there when no one was looking. The cafeteria usually fills up pretty good before school, so if it goes off, I'm gonna take out... at least fifty, sixty people.

I'm hanging out in the forest, now. I have my trenchcoat on, all zipped up, so you can't see my GLOCK, MP5, knife, bombs, and magazines. I'm just... looking at the school, I guess. From the side, so you can't see that big Rob Lee Rebels sign. I guess it's kind of a nice school...

Shit, who am I kidding? I spent three and a half years of my life in this fucking building, and what do I have to show for it? No friends, no smarts, no nothing. Just let that fucking fert bomb go off, and I'll show everyone just what the fuck I think about Rob Lee High School.

...

I don't... actually want the bomb to go off. I don't... I don't want to kill that many people. I just want a little... just look at me, someone. Just talk to me. I don't know. I just want someone to be there. But it's not going to happen, and that's why I'm about to blow my school into fucking pieces.

According to my watch, I've got like three minutes to go. I hope that fucking bomb doesn't go off, but if it does... well, I'm going for it. Fuck it all.

...

Longest three minutes of my life. But nothing's happening. So, I guess... the detonator broke, or I made it wrong, or something. I didn't use enough flux--it probably can't get enough current through so... I guess all that's left for me to do is head in, take it away, go home, and--

CRACK

...

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. There's so much smoke, I didn't realize--that was so--I can't even describe it. There's so much smoke, and it was so fucking loud--holy shit, the entire cafeteria ceiling broke. I fucking blew up the whole cafeteria--I didn't even mean to do that. I didn't want to do that, I fuckin'...

...

You know what... this is _exactly_what I want. This is exactly what I need to do. If I can, I need to go beyond what I'd planned, and just... make everything bleed. Just like I just did. The fucking cafeteria blew up, and that's a good start. That's gotta be like fifty plus pricks down already... I'm going in the history books for this one.

I can barely breathe. Heart's starting to race--shit, there's someone coming; what the fuck am I gonna do--

...

Browns... I like you, I like you; I don't want you to get hurt. So just... just go, man.

...

Seriously, man, just go. Get the fuck out of here right now, man. I don't want you to get killed.

...

That was Browns. I can't remember his first name, and I dunno why I let him live. Should have just killed him, but whatever. We were never friends, but he's an okay guy, and he was never a dick to me. Even spotted me lunch money back in the sixth grade... so I guess I'm paying him back, in a way. But yeah, he's running... he's gone. Just... gone.

Well... I guess that's that. The bomb went off, and people are already starting to scream and shit. I don't even know what I'm feeling... I feel... numb, and shocked, and terrified, and angry, and happy, and fucking sick all at the same time. But I dunno what I expected. I guess... to anyone that listens to this shit for motivation, just be prepared for this, man. Before you even start, you're going to tear your fucking heart apart.

I'm uploading my shit right now. Leaving my laptop in the woods, where it can still access the school network and no one will fuck with it. I posted links on like twenty websites, so... this is never gonna go. Even if someone wanted to take this shit down later, they're not going to be able to. By the time the news is on this story, my shit will be viral.

So I guess... it's time to go. Still feel pretty numb, but... I'm unzipping my trenchcoat now. Got my vest on over my body armor, plus magazines, GLOCK, and knife. I'm taking my MP5 out from under my shoulder... alright, it's ready to go, so... I'm walking toward the school now. Kind of slow, I guess. Everyone at the cafeteria's just shouting for help and... just pulling out people from the rubble.

Would be easy to take them out. But I can take them out any time. So I'll just... just leave them for later, I guess.

Heading toward the side entrance. I just--just let me walk through the school and run away. If I don't find anyone, I'm not firing a shot. I'll just kill myself the second I get away from here.

Shit. Shit. Someone's right there--he sees me. He's looking at me and shouting and shit--if I don't get him now, I'm fucking finished. But I can't--can't just shoot someone. He's not twenty feet away, so how can I--

Holy shit, I just shot someone. I just... lifted my MP5 and pulled the trigger... and... he's down, man. I... got him right through the head. Blew his brains out and...now he's bleeding, really badly, and I don't even know what to do.

I'm walking into the school now. Couple people are screaming... I don't even know what to do--

...

It was the Christian Alliance guy that kept fucking with me. He was leading a prayer group... got a room right next to the side entrance. I just... fucking kicked open the door, and there were like ten people there. So I... shot each one of them. One or two shots through the chest. They're all... dead, or down. Blood's all over the floor, and it smells like death--getting back into the hall.

Hold up. Gotta reload.

...

Know what... now that I'm not looking at those bodies, I'm... pumped. I just--I feel fucking alive. I know what I'm doing. This is what I need to do. This is for all guys like me, Cho, Eric, and Dylan. Fuck the bullshit--I'm going on a rampage, motherfucker. Fuck everything--

Hey, slow down--die, fucker!

...

'Nother kid popped up. Tried to run away. Nailed him through the heart. But I think the rest of the pricks in school, the ones that were leaving the cafeteria when the bomb went off--they're going to figure this shit out real soon. So I'm movin' fast--pretty much running to the cafeteria--

...

Oh, shit, there's a lot of them. Lots of fucking people. Ducked back so they can't see me, but I'm not taking a fucking mob like that, man. If they rush me... I only have twenty-eight shots, plus my GLOCK. And there's got to be like... sixty, eighty people there, hauling out the dead bodies, and the wounded, and--

Fuck. I forgot about my pipe bombs...

Know what, I'm gonna slow down. I'm talking fast--can't help it when things are happening fast, but I want to document this shit. Okay. Alright. Taking a few deep breaths; gotta calm down a little, but my heart's racing. Whatever.

*breathes in and out several times*

...

Anyway, I guess I'm kind of leaning against the wall, just where they can't see me. Got my MP5 in my hand... well, not anymore. I'm taking out my pipe bombs, so I had to put it down. Sling's keeping it real close, so I can grab it in a second if I got to--fucking sweet.

I have like five pipe bombs out. I don't know if that's overkill, 'cause they'll all pretty much packed together... but I'm not taking any chances. Last thing I need is some fucker jumping on a pipe bomb and shielding everyone else with his own pathetic guts. That's why I'm throwing five, in like a second.

Shit, you wouldn't believe the smell here. It's just... it's crazy. Bunch of people are crying and shit, just fucking watching--fucking pathetic. A bunch more are getting people out of the rubble--hey, check that out, I started a fire. A pretty big one, too. If I'm lucky, the whole fucking school's gonna burn to the ground... we'll have to see about that.

Alright. No more talking. I'm lighting my first pipe bomb now. Alright--fuse is lit; shit, this is fucking scary. Gonna hold it for like five seconds before I throw it, so no one has a chance to kick it away--fuck, the fuse is going too fast--

BANG

Fuck. Fuck. Gotta throw more--fuck it, I'm lighting all four. Fuck--

BANGBANGBANGBANG

...

I threw all four of them. Going around the corner now...

Ho. Ly. Shit.

I fucking--I killed them all. They're all fucking dead. Everyone that was helping or just fucking standing by--didn't have a chance. It was the shrapnel. Fucking--holy shit, I've got to see this up close.

...

Hahaha! Oh shit, there's--this one guy, some big-ass junior--he got it right in the gut. Blew him apart--literally. Like, he's in two pieces. Oh shit--there's guts everywhere, and blood and shit--fuck, he's still got his spine there. I wonder what'll happen if I move him...

Hahaha. Oh, fuck. His spine came apart. So now he's really in two pieces. Fucking--it's like a magic show. Holy shit. He's still bleeding and shit, and so are all these other pricks. Oh fuck.

Oh man, the smell--fucking copper. I guess it's from all the blood. Fuck. The floor's like--shit, I'm glad I wear boots, hahaha. That janitor motherfucker's gonna have a good time cleaning this shit up...

...

Actually... there's the janitor, right there. The one that said "hey" to me. He's an old guy--wolf--and I guess he died trying to help this one chick out of the rubble. He's like... He got it right in the back. Half the fur's blasted off him, plus his hair, and there's a ton of blood. A ton--

Oh, fuck. He's alive. Shit--he's rolling over, and--fuck, he sees me. He's fucking looking at me and begging me for help. The fuck am I supposed to do? Fuck, I can't--he's just looking at me and he's an old fucking guy, just like Takahashi--

...

I shot him. Just... fuckin' lifted my MP5 and nailed him right through the head. Got the bitch he was helping out, too, because I guess he covered her with his body.

Whatever. Doesn't matter now. They're both dead.

...

Well, I beat Cho, Eric, and Dylan already. Combined. Pussy motherfuckers. I mean--kudos to them and shit for standing up, but seriously--I just fucking owned you guys.

Wasted a magazine outside of the cafeteria. Just putting rounds into fuckers that looked like they were breathing. Hold on, gotta reload--alright. Ready to go again.

I'm heading down the halls. I don't think there's too many people around outside of the cafeteria. I mean, I already got the Christian Alliance--fucking religious motherfuckers--so...

Oh, shit--gotta check the office. Alright, I'm moving. I'm running.

Shit, this feels good. I can feel the blood pumping through my veins and shit--I swear to God, this is my fucking Zen. I fuckin'--I feel like I'm on crack, man. This is a such a fucking rush--if you're thinking about doing this shit, you have _got_to fucking do it. This is fucking--there's nothing like it. I never fucking felt this in my life. Except... for when Aleksandra was with me.

When she conked my cheek with her tail, or nuzzled me under the chin, I kind of got a rush like that. Kind of. But that doesn't matter anymore, because she's gone forever. So--anyone who's listening--if you can get a rush like that--I fucking tried to explain it in my logs. I hope it makes sense. But if you get that, you don't need to do what I'm doing. Just... you can't get any better than that. Even shooting fuckers doesn't come close.

...

Alright. I just kicked down the office door, checked it out... there was one old bitch hiding in the corner. I hated her--she always glared at me, and besides, she smelled funny. So I got her in the back a few times... gonna leave her to bleed to death. Fucking slut.

I guess... I dunno what to do now. I figured the cops would show up and try to get me and shit--but there's nothing. I guess it's 'cause Rob Lee is _way_out in the sticks. I dunno. But--shit, I just checked my watch. It's only been like five minutes since all this shit started. So--

Oh, yeah. The cheerleaders practice before school. So--no one's running, 'cause I guess the teachers and shit have told everyone just to stay still and keep their heads down. I'm gonna check that shit out.

Alright, I'm heading toward the gym. Not too fast, 'cause I don't want to tire myself out. Besides, it's pointless to sprint.

Was thinking of turning my mike off, but... I dunno. It's... so fucking weird to run around like this, with... fucking bombs in my backpack, a gun in my paws, wearing body army and magazines under my trenchcoat. I fucking grew up here, man--I mean, no matter what the fuck else, Rob Lee is my fucking school. These walls--I've been here for three and a half years.

It's just so weird. But whatever. Nothing makes sense--everything's weird these days. And besides, these fuckers are the ones that killed me, Takahashi, Melissa, and Aleksandra with their bullshit. I wouldn't be surprised if they killed Mom, too. Fuck everything about this place. I wish I could bomb the entire fucking thing.

...

Alright. I hope you can hear this. I'm whispering, but throat mikes are supposed to pick up whispers. I should've checked--no time for that shit now.

Anyway, I snuck up to the females' locker room. There's only one entrance and exit, so... heheheh.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I hear them in there... crying and calling their parents and 911 and shit. Fucking whores. They probably picked on Aleksandra all the fucking time--that's probably why she ended up dying.

...I was thinking of just tossing a few pipe bombs in there, but know what, fuck it. I want to do this personally. Alright, getting ready to kick the door down. Gotta breathe easier. Now...

One, two, three--

...

Don't move! Don't you fucking--get down! Everybody get on the fucking floor, right now--now! Shut the fuck up!

Alright, they're calming down. Hate to put a few bullets in the ceiling to get the message out there, but they're fucking still. Hahaha, they think I'm talking to myself--this is a throat mike, you dumb bitch. Throooooat miiiiike. See? Fuckin' dumb slut...

Shit, stop fucking screaming--yeah, I kicked her, so what? Fuck off--don't you set a paw on me, bitch. I'll fucking shoot you--you think I won't? Try me, I dare you. I already killed a hundred people.

Heheh. I'm not even lying--the fert bomb, and all those pipes I threw... that's a hundred people, easy. Plus the Christian pricks I mowed down--say, do you guys believe in God? Anyone that believes in God, stand up.

That's about... well, son of a bitch. No wonder this place is so fucked up--everyone's a religious nutcase. Every fucking slut in this stinking room stood up. First, it was like one or two, then it was the rest of them. Fucking herd mentality shit--fucking sheep--baaah, baaah, hahahahaha.

You--the fuckin'--firecrotch. Yeah, and the other one that stood up first. C'mere.

Do you whores really believe in God? Uh-huh? Yeah? Oh, so I'm going to Hell--shut the fuck up, who asked you?

Ooh, that slap hurt _my_paw. Guess you learned your fucking lesson. So you believe in God, right? So I guess... you think he's gonna save you, right? Well, put your prayer hat on, bitch, because I'm gonna smoke you.

...

Fuck. My favorite clothes--fucking blood all over them. Shit, I guess I oughta explain what just happened. I just shot the two bitches that were the first to believe in God... like, point blank range, right in the head. Hollowpoint bullets are fuckin' deadly--their heads pretty much went "pop". Anyway, I've got a bunch of crying bitches right now, fuckin'... as if it's a surprise to see their friends die.

All my friends died. But I fucking got over it, and I became--I'm fucking standing up for myself. Not just taking this shit anymore--shut up! Shut up! Get your asses against the wall, right now! Face away--fucking now!

Wasted another few rounds. Dumb bitch tried to yell at me--got her in the tits. She's down... still breathing, so I guess I missed her heart and lungs. I doubt she'll survive, but even if she does, so what? No one's ever gonna like her--cheerleaders are basically just walking tits, so since I shot hers... heh, maybe she'll end up like me. Guess I'll never know...

Alright. Alright. I'm whispering now, so I hope you guys can hear this. There's... a lot of them. A fucking lot of them. At least twenty, and... my magazine's not fully loaded. And if I start to execute them... I'm gonna run out, gonna have to reload, and... I don't know what's going to happen. I fucking--they can't hear me now, but it's only a matter of time before--never mind. I got it.

Hey guys--this is your lucky day. I'm gonna let you all go--no, I'm serious. I've had enough--I'm going home. No--hey, put your shirt on; you think I want to see that? Shit.

Alright, guys... I'm heading out. I'll see you later, I guess. Or not...

...

Fucking dumb bitches swallowed that shit hook, line, and sinker. I'm out of the locker room now--hold on, gotta reload--alright. I'm not fuckin' finished, though. Alright, the locker room's kind of big, and there's that line of lockers right down the center... fuck it, I'm using three. One, two, three pipe bombs, ha ha ha ha ha!

I feel like that Count guy from Sesame Street, hahaha. Alright, time to get serious. Lighting my bombs... they're lit--okay, one, two, three--

They're in. I'm holding the door shut. Oh, shit, you should hear them scream--

BANG

...

Fuck. Fuck. *cough, cough*--hahahaha! The fucking door got blown down! Knocked me over--holy shit, there's a lot of smoke. Hold on, let me get away.

...

I'm at the other side of the gym now. Fuck, that was fucking intense--the God-damn fuckin' door got blown down. Shit, that was--I'm fucking lucky nothing came through the door. Fuckin'... shit, there's smoke pouring out of the locker room and shit.

I wonder why the sprinkler system's not going off--oh, know what, it's because all that shit is controlled from a room like right behind the cafeteria. I guess I... must've blown that up too, heh...

I'm gonna go and check the locker room out. It's all metal and cement, so there's nothing burning--smoke's pretty much gone. Gonna--gonna go check that shit out. It's got to be a fucking slaughterhouse in there.

...

Wow. This is--fuck. _Everything_dead. Shit, I can't even--fuck, can't breathe--

...

That was fucking intense. They were all--I didn't even see a whole body. All of them got blown apart--these pipe bombs are fuckin' powerful. I think it's 'cause I packed the powder in there--if you guys are listening, remember to do that shit, alright? But be fucking careful--it would be fucking pathetic if one of us blew himself up by accident, and I just got damn close to doing that. Seriously--these things are dangerous.

Then again, if you want to blow yourself up, you might as well do it. What difference does it make, anyway?

Alright. Alright. Enough depressing bullshit. This is my day, and I'm gonna fucking own it. Fuck it all.

I guess... I'm gonna go check upstairs. There might be a few people in the library and shit. There are usually a couple nerds there--maybe I can take a few of them out. I got at least five minutes before the cops come, and a good amount of ammo for my MP5 left... sweet.

I'm heading up the stairs now. Heh, even though I'm wearing a ton of gear and shit, I'm taking them three or four at a time--shit, almost fell. But, yeah. Working out did a Hell of a lot for me.

I'm upstairs now. Can't see anyone--no biggie. There might be a few in the classrooms, so I'm gonna kick down the doors and check.

No one here--next one, go--no one here, either. Fuck, there's no one in any of these classrooms--hold on, I think I just saw something in the library. I think someone just moved--

Got one. Some kid was in the library, but he moved, so I shot him through the window. I think he's dead--shit, there's screaming. I'm going on.

...

Okay, I see that kid in the sci-fi aisle--think the rest are hiding from me. Gonna check up and down the aisles...

Nothing. Fuck--but I definitely heard screaming. Definitely--oh, you know what, they're probably in the silent study room. Let's see...

Study room's shut. It's usually like that--can't see anything inside--hold on. That little window above the door--can't see anyone, but the light's changing. So there's definitely someone moving in there. Gonna go and see.

Door's locked. They're probably--open up, you fucking pricks--the shooter's coming! He's like right here--aaah...

...

Just fired a few shots in the air and pretended to die; they're not taking it. They're definitely--I hear them crying and shit. Well, I gave them a chance.

I'm gonna take the door down. Hold up--yah!

...

Got kicked out of karate two years ago, but I still remember how to do a spin back kick. Most powerful kick I can do--but it didn't work. I'm guessing they're stacking the door--hey, guys, you there? Fuck you--I'm coming in.

...

Shit. Not trying that again. Just tried to shoulder the door open--didn't work.

Well, fuck this. I'm shooting through the fucking door.

...

A bunch of them are screaming, but I killed a few, I guess. Kicking the door again.

...

These are some stubborn motherfuckers--they're not giving up! Talk about hard-headed--I'm shooting again. Putting a big fucking cluster of bullet holes in the center of the door.

...

Nothing. They're still not giving up. The mother_fuckers_--fuck it, I'm bombing them. Heading a while back--hold up, gotta shoot out that window--done, but now I gotta reload.

Alright, I'm hiding by the reference aisle. Put my gun down for a second--I'm getting a while away, because if I miss, that fucking pipe bomb is blowing up not thirty yards from me. Well, here goes nothing... lighting the pipe bomb--here it goes--

Oh shit, it went in--fuck, the door might get blown down anyway. I'm hiding.

BANG

Heh. Heheh. That's that, I guess. Not even worth the time to check out what happened in there--there's no way any of them survived an explosion like that, in such a small room. I'd be surprised if they even get the body count right, hahaha.

...

Well... school's pretty much cleared. Cops... still aren't here, so... maybe they're... calling the military, or something? They can't do that, can they? Not yet, I mean--I mean, they're gonna have to call the military soon enough.

I guess I'll just... hang out around here, I guess. Until the cops come.

Know what--I hate books. I'm gonna knock down all these aisles--yeah, this is gonna be great! I always wanted to do this. I hope it ends up being like a domino effect...

Gotta let go of my gun--shit, I'm still fucking shaking from all the... the fucking shooting, and the explosions, and chasing kids down in the hallway and getting them in the head. It's such a fucking pump--fuck. As long as you don't think about it too fucking hard--just enjoy yourself. This is fucking crazy.

Anyway, bye-bye, Shakespeare!

...

Wasn't quite a domino thing, but fuck, I messed this place up. There's books everywhere--all over the ground and shit. It's fucking eye candy, man--especially when they were coming down. Fucking sweet.

I'm lighting a few of them on fire now. I hope the entire library comes down--that would be fucking sweet. Fuck it--this is too slow. Gonna use another bomb.

I'm setting it up in the middle of a bunch of books. Gonna light the fuse and run--I should have plenty of time. Okay, fuse is being lit... time to go.

...

THUNK

Hahaha! That was sweet. Nice, low, macho thunk. I guess it's because of all the books--oh, shit, that was good. I'm back downstairs now--hold up, someone's there--

Hey--hey! Slow down, motherfucker! Fuck you--I'm catching him. Fuck that guy. No one's escaping--coming up the hall--

Nailed him.

Fucking idiot ran down a straight hallway. Just picked up my MP5 and nailed him right in the back. Right between the shoulder blades--look at that, he's still alive. He's crawling away--ooh, that must've hurt. He's making his blood sort of streak across the fucking floor--some messy shit.

Well, I just finished him off. Pow, right in the back of the skull. That's my good deed for the day.

...

I guess it's kind of hard to figure out what I'm talking about. There's no pictures or videos, and all you can hear is my voice. Heheh--I would sing something fuckin' ridiculous right now, but my throat hurts. Been talking too much. It used to hurt when I talked to Aleksandra a lot, but I've been yelling today. So, yeah.

Gonna take a break for a minute. Been about... ten, twelve minutes since all this shit started. I guess the cops're gonna come by pretty soon. I'm gonna wait for them out front--I guess I could use my M16, but fuck it. I want to use my MP5 until they get me out of the school. That's the fucking plan--and if they do get me before I get to my M16, then at least I'm dying in the forest, just like I always wanted to. I love the fucking forests.

...

Okay. I hope you guys can hear this, because I'm whispering again. I was hanging out downstairs at the main entrance, but there were a ton of fucking sirens, so I... well, I guess I got scared and ran upstairs. Not near the library--near the front of Rob Lee. Where that big sign is. Library's on fire, but I'm safe where I'm at for now.

I figured the sirens meant that the cops were here--but it's actually the fire department. Not just our fire department, either. There are three big engines here, and I know we only have one--and there's a ton of firefighters. They kind of circled to the side of the building--they're setting up right now, but there are no fucking cops. Not a single one.

I don't know what the fuck happened. I mean--a ton of people must have called the cops. A few of them must have said that I'm shooting up the school. I guess there was a problem at the station or something, because there are no fucking cops here. Just firefighters, and they're running around like ants all over the side of the school.

... Know what... this could be... this is fucking amazing. Killing firefighters--I never planned to do that, but--fuck. Fuck. It's going to be crazier than killing cops. People are gonna miss the point if I just kill cops--they're gonna think I was just defending myself from getting shot. But if I kill firefighters, they're going to fucking understand that I want everything--every single fucking thing--to burn.

I feel like a sniper. I'm in this one classroom in the physics section--didn't see which one. Peeking out of the window... shit, there are so many--and they're so close, and those fucking helmets better not be bullet proof.

Well... time to get fucking started. First firefighter that's gonna go down is in that bucket thing they use to get up to high places. Let's see if I can get him between the eyes...

Picked him. Right in the eye. Good enough--oh, shit, he fell out of the thing--ouch. Oh, fuck, haha--I wish I could record his body bouncing. Like--fall, hit, bounce, dead, hahaha. Fuck--I can't mess around. There are a ton of these pricks--gotta keep shooting.

Okay. Okay. Gonna try to talk between shots--I'm not just spraying. This isn't fucking Halo or something. I don't have too much ammo for my MP5, and there--oh, fuck, I think I just got the chief. Fuck, this is such--fuck. Empty. Gonna reload...

What the fuck--someone's driving the truck away--die! Fucking--he's down. Got him. But there's another guy--he must be pressing the pedal--I can't get him--he's hiding or some shit and I can't shoot him through the door. Fuck it--I'm using a pipe bomb.

Window's blown out from all the shooting. Fuck--truck's moving fast; gonna light the fuse halfway down--it's out.

BANG

Bomb got the truck right at the front. Fucking shook me where I am--and I'm a good fifty yards away. I think some shrapnel got into the classroom, but I hid, so I'm alright--fuck. Fuck. The fucking fire truck's--hahahaha, the fire truck's on fire. I got it right at the front--blew the whole cabin up. Whatever motherfucker was in there is dead--but there's a ton more of them. I'm gonna--fuck it. I'm heading out to kill them all. Fuck it.

...

Know what--I'm going down the stairs now--but that classroom I was using to shoot the firefighters... that was Takahashi's classroom. Fuckin'... Takahashi's classroom...

Hold on. Gotta reload. Gonna... gonna get downstairs, and keep going. I feel just... fucking exhausted right now. Just... the second I turned back and saw that it was Takahashi's room, I fuckin'...

I dunno. I'm not tired like I just hit the gym or went on a run. But I dunno. I hope it'll all come back to me when I'm killing again. I really hope so, because right now, I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

...

Bunch of fuckin' idiots. They were yelling at each other when I got down--trying to figure out what the Hell's going on and where I am and shit. Fucking retarded. I figured out where they all were, and just walked forward--that was fucking amazing. I just walked forward, all calm, and started shooting.

They didn't even fucking realize it was me. Fucking--one of them actually saw me and asked if I was alright. I guess he figured I was the victim here, hahaha--well, I guess I am the victim here. I mean, unless I literally kill every man, woman in child in this fucking state, we're not gonna be even--know what, I'm blowing up the fire trucks.

I'm gonna set like two pipe bombs under each truck... that oughta take them apart. I hope it ends up like fucking Far Cry 2--guess I'm gonna find out real soon.

Heh--there was this one guy that was gearing up to head in. He was going to save some of the fucking pricks in the school--can you believe that? Fucking idiot. No one in that fucking school is worth saving anymore. The fucking smart ones ran away, I guess--I mean, I know I didn't get everyone, which pisses me off, but I can't be perfect. And I did see a coupe footprints in the ground--I guess it was more than a few people. Like... dozens got away. Probably most of them are teachers... cool.

If I kill enough students, that's good. I mean, these guys killed my future, so if I kill the young people, I'm kind of killing the future, too. So, it's a good thing if the teachers fucking escape, because if they look at all those empty seats for the rest of their careers, they're gonna realize what I took from them. Maybe a few will realize what they took from me.

Got the pipes in place. I guess I'm gonna... light up the fucking--I'm gonna blow up each fucking truck one by one. I fucking--I fucking said I'm not good at talking. It's in my logs, I mean--just read my logs. I'm no good at talking; that's why I curse so much. That's why I'm doing this shit--I can't fucking talk about what's going on to anyone, because no one's there.

Fuck. Gotta run--

BANG

Hahaha! Oh, fuck--fucking amazing--

BANG

Holy shit, that one was too close--oh shit. Fuck. There's a ton of water everywhere. Fuck--fuck!

BANG

...

Holy shit. Holy--fuck. Fuck...

Hold on for a second. Gotta take a breather--that was fucking intense. Fucking crazy...

...

I guess I should tell you guys what's up now.

I blew up the firetrucks. Just fucking set up pipe bombs under them, lit the fuses, ran, and pow.

The first one was the coolest. It kind of--it got split, down the middle, and each half kind of got pushed. I can't really describe it, but it was sweet. Just--crazy.

Second truck was scary. But actually, that might have been the coolest one. I set the bombs up at the back--figured it was just gonna get blown to pieces. But the fucking truck lifted off the ground--it's like that one scene in Terminator 3. The whole back of the thing came off the ground, tilted over--and it slammed down not thirty feet from me.

I guess that's kind of far, but it was fucking scary at the time. All that metal and shit, burning, just crashing into the ground--I must've jumped ten feet in the air. Fucking--my fur's still all puffed out. Fucking--hahaha. Wow. Just... wow.

Third truck was just brutal. I set one bomb in the front; other one in the back. Lit both, ran, and it just--it's gone. Just fucking gone. It got chopped up into little pieces--well, not little, but the fucking thing was huge, and now there's nothing left of it bigger than my car.

... So... that's about it for the trucks. I mean, not much more to say--oh, I guess--alright.

There's a ton of shit on fire now. The cafeteria's still kind of burning, and the library's a fucking candle now--flames have to be going up, what... a hundred feet, easy? All red and orange--it's like a forest fire. And the firefighters and their shit are basically the same.

There's a ton of shit out by the front of the school. It's like--the part right next to the parking lot. Check it out on Google Maps--I dunno how big it is, but it's pretty big, right? Well, it's _all_on fire. All that fucking gasoline from the tanks and shit--and there's a ton of bodies, too. Just... fucking laying on the ground, dead, bleeding and shit.

I guess... I guess I killed a lot of people today. Like... a lot. More than I planned to. More than I wanted. More than I want...

... Fuck. I promised myself I wouldn't second-guess at this fucking point. I can't turn back--I never had a fucking chance to turn back since everyone left me. This isn't my fucking fault--this is just karma, man. Everyone's reaping what they fucking sowed--

Oh, shit. Shit. That's the cops--fuck. Fuck. I'm--fuck, I'm out in the open--they can see me. Fuck, I have to go--

...

Fuck. Fuck. *breathes deeply*

Heheh. Fuck. This is--fuck. Fuck. I'm in a fucking firefight. In real life. I fucking--I'm hiding in the forest. I fucking shot a few cops, I think, and ran. They saw me though--they're using their cars as cover. I don't know if my MP5 can get them--whatever--fuck!

I almost got shot. Fuck--I'm gonna move back. I don't want to get killed. I have too much to live for.

...

Oh, shit. There's--a bunch more cops are coming. Fucking--state troopers with rifles. Shit--they're using thermal vision or something. They're--they know where I am. Holy shit, they're gonna find me; they're gonna drag me out of here and--fuck. Fuck that. I'm not going down. Fuck them all.

I dunno how many pipe bombs I got left, but I'm throwing 'em all; I don't give a fuck if I get shot. Fucking--fucking die. All of you.

BANG

...

BANG

...

I'm out of pipes. Pulling back--gotta get out of here. It's too dangerous. There's gotta be like twenty cops out there--fuck. They can still see me. I'm in the fucking forest in a trenchcoat, but they can still see me. Fucking going prone--hang on.

Feels as cool as shit to use all this military jargon. Fuckin' badass--fuck. This is my last MP5 mag--fuck. They're fucking--they're spreading out. They're closing in on--fuck, I have to move back again.

Pipe bombs didn't do much good--fuck, the tree in front of me just got shot--I'm hiding--

I fucking tripped. Fuck--I'm scared. I'm stuck--I can't--I'm hiding behind a tree, and there's fucking cops all over the woods. I didn't get enough with the pipes, and I don't have any left--fuck--

I got a guy. I got him--he fucking ran--he fucking tried to flank me, and that means others are gonna...

Oh, shit... I'm... out of MP5 mags. And... that was was my last burst. I'm out...

I... guess I have my GLOCK, but... at this range, against cops with automatic rifles, I might as well just blow my God-damned fucking pathetic--fucking useless, stupid piece-of-shit brains out. Might as well give up.

...

Oh... fuck, I... forgot. My M16... it's right--right fucking next to me. And that tannerite and shit I set up--I fucking set that shit up so that I could get away from the school. I fucking did that so that I can fight in the forests and fucking beat the cops. Fucking win.

Grabbing my M16--God, it feels so fucking good in my paws. It's loaded--safety's off--fuck, guy's coming--

Got him. Right through the chest. Fucking state trooper with body armor--not just Kevlar. Ceramic plates and shit--I fucking saw that explode. He kind of dropped, but I got him again to make sure. Blew his fucking head off.

I'm down--I mean, prone, next to a tree. Picking off cops--I don't have enough ammo to just fire shots as covering fire. I'm--I'm aiming, and shooting wherever I'm getting shot at from. Dumb motherfuckers aren't using flashhiders, but I am. I can see--just massive fireballs all over the forest, and I don't think they can see shit. Since I stopped moving, they haven't even come close to hitting me.

I'm taking 'em down. They're going down--I can't see them going down, but there's less shooting, so--oh, shit, I think they're moving forward--no, they definitely are.

Fuck this--I'm pulling back.

I'm about two, three hundred yards away from the cops. This is--this is fucking intense. It's not just like a videogame--I'm fucking shaking and shit, and I--hold on. Hold on. They're all over the forest--and they're all over where I planted the fucking tannerite.

Hang on--gotta reload.

Okay. Okay. They're--there are cops all over, but I can take 'em. They're--shit, they're moving up fast. I fucking hope I remember where I put the tannerite. I think there's one right there--

BOOM

Got one--got one. Must've blown two or three cops up. A couple trees are on fire--there's a ton more cops. Fuck. They're fucking swarming around the forest like ants, man. I can't--hold on. There's more tannerite over there, but I gotta pull back.

...

Ungh--shit. Shit--fuck, I have to get to cover. Fuck. Fuck. *wheezes*

I think--I just got shot. I just got shot in the back when I was running--fuck. Unnnggh... urgh...

Fuck. I think I'm alright. It--urgh--didn't get through my vest. I'm pretty sure--no, I'm alright. I'm alright.

...

Fuck these guys. I'm not running away anymore. I can get all the tannerite from right where I'm at--so fuck them all. They're all gettin' jacked up.

BOOM

'Nother five down.

...

BOOM

I dunno if that one got any. But the forest's starting to catch on fire. Fucking--fuck, I love forests. Even if I die here, I don't give a fuck, because I love forests. All green and cold and dark and shit--but this is fucking intense. I'm starting a forest fire, all by myself. And I bet at least ten cops are gonna burn in it--hold on, popping another tannerite--

BOOM

Couple more down. Hold on, gotta--can't see past this bush--alright, going for another--

BOOM

...

That was close. That last one--last one was too close. I can't--I think my hearing's shot. I think--no, I'm okay. And I think all the cops are down. I think--hold up--

Picked another. Motherfucker was trying to run away--shot him right in the back. I think--I think that's all of them. I'm--haha, I'm fucking shaking, man. This is a fucking rush--fuck drugs, man. Fight cops. I can't--this has got to be more intense than fucking cocaine. Fucking adrenaline rush.

Okay, the... forest's pretty much burning, so I'm gonna head out of here. Heh, it feels like I'm making a documentary here--it was April 20th, 2009, when the way we ran our nation's schools changed forever--heh, I guess I am making a documentary. I'm--heh. This is just crazy. I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

...

Well, I'm heading to my car now. M16's got a good twenty-some rounds in it, so I'm not reloading it. Just--hold on, I have to feel like a badass. I wish I could take a picture of myself--like a real picture. I'm taking one with my cell phone right now, but I wish there was like a decent camera right in front of me so that I could get a picture of myself, all strapped and shit, walking out of a burning forest.

I wish I could see myself right now. I wish everyone else could've seen me like this. If they saw what I was going to do, then maybe they wouldn't have made me do this.

...

I'm in my car now. Just... driving, I guess. I didn't actually think I'd live this long, haha... I figured... the cops would get me before I could get out of the forest.

Well, I'm out of the forest. Just driving down that road from school--fuck, I can never remember the name. But everyone around knows what it is. It's all... got trees on both sides for a good two miles, and then it just fuckin' opens up and you're basically in the middle of a desert, and there's that... mesa-type thing they cut through to make the road.

...

I'm... alone again. Just... me, my car, my guns... and that's about it. I... feel like I'm running away, but there's no way I can run away from this. I... I dunno. I dunno what I'm doing. I just think it would be easier if I pulled over and blew my brains out, but I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

I wonder if they got me on tape. Maybe I can get away--no. No way. All that shit I posted on the internet... with my face, and name and shit... I'm not getting away from this. I can't--I can't do anything now. Like, literally, there's _nothing_I can do to get out of this. I don't even know why the fuck I did this anymore. I'm fucking--I didn't want to do this. They made me do this. This isn't my fault. If they just left me alone, this wouldn't have happened.

...

I'm just... looking outside, I guess. I guess I'm kind of lucky to be an American. Never really had to fight anyone... was never really poor or anything, and I didn't have any problems with alcohol until like last week. Or two weeks ago. Whatever. I dunno.

Dad told me he had a hard fucking time in Russia. I guess that's why he became an asshole. It's still his fault, but whatever. I hope he goes to jail when they figure out what he did to me.

But--fuck, I meant to say that I'm kind of lucky to be American because this is a sweet country. Rob Lee's got forests all around, but then you drive ten minutes one way and you're in a desert. Ten minutes the other way, you're in the mountains. It's just crazy.

Right now, there's no one on the road. Just me, red rocks and sand all around, and that huge mesa up ahead. I'm going like a hundred and ten, but there's no one on the road. Right now, I just feel... so free, like nothing can touch me. I wish I drove around like this more before everything fell apart. Then maybe I wouldn't have done this--

Fuck! Fuck--oh, shit, I'm off the road--

It was a fucking--they sent a fucking helicopter after me. I'm--fuck you. You're going down, motherfucker. I'm getting out of my car with my fucking RPG--you're going down--

FWOOSH

BANG

...

Oh, shit...

I think I can explain what happened now.

There was--like a bunch of sparks and shit. And it was so loud. They sent a helicopter after me, and it shot through my car. Right through the top--I almost got shot. Fucking almost got shot. But they just drilled up my car.

I panicked, I guess. I mean--I dunno. I got off the road, and... *swallows*... and I realized what was going on. Saw that chopper in the sky, and I said, "Fuck you."

So, I grabbed my RPG off the passenger seat, kicked the door open. Was gonna just get out and fire, but they shot at me again, so I fucking dived and rolled until I was--kind of crouching down, with my left foot and right knee on the ground. Didn't have much time to aim, but the chopper was like _right_there, so I just pulled the trigger.

I fucking shot that thing out of the sky. RPG went up and hit it right in the bottom--fucking loud. And it was fucking bright--and I guess I'm pretty lucky that I didn't get hit with shrapnel, 'cause it was so close--

...

Oh. Shit, I... guess I did get hit. I just... didn't notice, 'cause of all the adrenaline, but... I definitely got hit, like... right in the left shoulder. Went right through my trenchcoat, and... ungh... kind of hurts a little. Hold on, I'm gonna try to take it out.

...

Shit. Shit--fuck it. I'm not--fuck, I feel like throwing up. There's... a big piece of metal, right in my shoulder. Like, right on my chest, a half-inch from my vest. It's... stuck in there pretty deep and I have to go to the ER--

Wait. I... guess I... can't go to the ER, can I; I mean... I just... fucking blew up the school, and set fire to the forest, and I took out... a whole bunch of people, so if I go... they'd... probably just... fucking shove me out and l-laugh at me while I bleed to death. I... guess I'm dead; I mean... I can't treat this, and...

I dunno. I just--fucking M16's too big; hold on, let me grab my GLOCK.

Okay, I'm... I guess this is it. I'm... gonna commit suicide now. I'm... heh, throat's all dry. I... I dunno. Nothing left at this point. Just... nothing.

...

I'm a pussy. I'm a fucking cowardly, pathetic, fucking pussy-bitch. I couldn't even pull that trigger--just one twitch, and bam, and that's it for me. But I couldn't fucking do it, because I don't want to die. Even though I'm fucking dead, I want to live for a little bit longer.

I don't know. I'm fucking worthless.

...

I'm heading down the road again. Just... because, I guess. I mean, what else am I gonna do? I'm losing blood, and if I try to apply pressure, I'll just get cut up more. I can't turn back anymore. Can't... go back to when I was a cub, or... before all this bullshit, or back when I had Aleksandra, and Takahashi, and Melissa, and Mom and Dad. I'm just... all by myself, you know? A real fuckin' lone tiger.

I guess it's kind of nice, though... just to be driving here, through the desert. Just... I wish that I had someone. Anyone. Not even anyone I know that well. Fuckin'... Browns, or anyone. Even a teacher, like Mills, or Schreiner, or Coach, or that new guy that teaches Physics. Just... anyone, you know?

I'm about... a few hundred yards from the mesa. Closing in on it pretty good, 'cause I'm going so fast. I dunno, it almost looks like a gateway, so... when I pass it, I'm dead. Literally. I promise. I don't give a fuck--I'll shoot myself before I talk myself out of it. Just fuck it--

Oh, shit! There's more cops--fuck. Fuck--gotta pull over. They're setting up a blockade--

I'm out. Down--I'm right next to my car. Got my M16--oh, shit, they're shooting. I have the door open--fuck, fuck, fuck! There's too many--they're shooting the shit out of my car. There's a bunch of them up at the mesa, with a ton of cars--fuck. There's so much fucking--there's fucking sparks everywhere. Fuck. My door just came off. They just shot my door off. I can't--I'm out in the open, I'm gonna die--gotta hide--

I dunno what to do. I'm... fucking crying like a cub and hiding under my car. I'm shooting back, but fuck it. Just fucking--no fucking point--

Oh, shit, they just took out the gas tank. And I'm right under the car, and all those bullets are making a ton of sparks--

Aaah! Aah--oh, fuck, I'm on fire--my fur's on fire--I'm burning alive in here and I can't roll--fuck, gotta get out--but I can't get out. They're still shooting at me; they're still killing me; they're still attacking me; why are you attacking me?!

Fuck it. Fuck it all. I'm not taking this bull-fucking-shit anymore. Fuck it--

I just fucking stood up; turned the car over with my fucking back. I'm running forward--fucking blasting them with my M16. I'm still on fire but I don't give a fuck--I'm just running and yelling and I'm fucking shooting them--gotta reload--rifle's gone--I'm shooting them with my GLOCK. Fucking killing them. I'm just running as fast as I can, blasting them with my GLOCK.

They're still shooting me. They're trying to, but I'm a fucking tiger, and I'm not taking anymore. It doesn't fucking matter that I'm burning alive. They're not going to get me before I get them all. Just die--die, fuckers! Die!

...

Well... they're all... dead. I... killed them... all...

I can't... really talk that much, 'cause... *weak cough*... I breathed in... a bunch of smoke. And... they shot me to pieces, and I'm still on fire. Sort of. Still... on my knees, and... just burning.

I guess... I guess this is it. I'm--urgh--can't... move, can't think... it just hurts so much. I'm just... dropped my gun, so... it's just me, all alone... middle of the road, right in front of the cop cars... shot to pieces... burning to death. I'm...

Hold on... face is on fire. I'm... putting that out. I'm... it's out. I'm... I don't know why I did that. Heh... heh. I mean... I'm done, so... I guess this is... goodbye...

...

I'm getting a phone call. Who the Hell would call me now?

Fell over... onto my side. Gotta... roll over to... get my phone out... fuck, I can't--I got it. *pants* I... got it...

*coughs... clears throat* H... Hello?

"Alex? Alex--it's Dad, it's Papa--are you alright, Alex? Your voice--"

Dad... the fuck do you want? I told you... urgh... not to call me, or... why... the fuck are you crying? Why... do you sound so happy...?

"Give me the phone--let me speak to him--Alex? It's Mama--Alex, I'm better. Your father came to visit me, and the moment he put his paw on mine, I got better, Alex! I'm--I'm alright, Alex! And I'm coming home today--Alex? Are you... alright, Alex? There's... something's on the news about... some explosion at your school--there are so many... ...bodies... ...are you alright, Alex?"

...

"Alex... I'm sorry about scaring you so much--do you hear your father crying? It's because... he told me everything, Alex. About... everything between you, and him, and... Aleksandra. Alex, I'm so sorry about everything that's happened. But don't worry. Just... come home, right now, yes? Come home, and everything will be alright. You don't have to be a lone tiger always, son. Just come home, Alex, and we'll be alright."

... *cough... gasp* I... I don't think... you'd want me home... M... Mom...

"Oh, Alex, please don't say. I'm... I'm your mother, Alex. Dad's your father, even if... times become difficult. We always want you home, and we'll always love you no matter what--you do know that, right, Alex? We love you--and Aleksandra loved you, too."

...

"I don't know if she ever said that, Alex, but she did. I'm--here, your papa wants to talk."

...

"Al-Alex? This is--this is Daddy-cat--haha, do you remember; you used to call me that when you were younger? You were always a mischievous little kitten--but you were always good boy. You're a great son, Alex, and someday you'll be... a much better man... than I am. Much better father..."

...

"Alex... I'm... so sorry about... everything I did to you. I... I love your mother so much that I forgot that I have a son that I love just as much. I'm--I should never have done so many of the things I did; I should have done so many more things--"

Dad... *cough*

"... Yes, yes, Alex? Please talk to me, son--please--tell me where you are, Alex; I come with Mama and pick you up right now."

...

Dad...

...

"If it's about anything you did--I forgive it all right now. Completely. I won't hold grudges against you. It was my fault. Just--please, son, I'm begging you--I want to apologize in person. Please, Alex--just let me show you. Please--me and Mama want to see you; it's been so long--so long since we were a family. Please--just let us hold you and it'll all be alright, Alex--everything. Please, please, please--what's going on? Why do you sound...?"

Dad... I... haha... I... don't think you, or Mom... would want to hold me now... after... what... I've... done...

"Alex, please talk louder--please, Alex, just--we always want to hold you. Both of us--we both love you--everyone loves you, Alex. You know that, yes? Me, Mama, Mr. Takahashi, Aleksandra, her father, even Melissa from gym--and your teachers, your classmates, principals, everything--everyone loves you, Alex. It's just--sometimes hard to see. But we all love you. Mr. Takahashi--he didn't want us to say this, but Alex--when you were suspended last year, he called me to ask about you. He told me to take good care of you because he thinks of you as a grandson. Alex, he said he loves you like you were his own--and what about Aleksandra?"

...

"I don't know if she and you ever used that word, but I saw the way you were. Do you know the way she looked at you--that's what me and Mama have; we saw it the moment we met her. It's--it's not gone, Alex. Me and Mama still love you like that, so please come home--I'll do anything to see you again, son--please, Alex, just name it--a car, a new ah, ah, trenchcoat, a knife, a game for your Xbox--anything, Alex! Please!"

...

Dad...

C... can you... turn it... to the speaker?... I want... urgh... ukk--Dad, hurry up. *swallows* I don't--not much... time...

"Speaker is on, Alex--me and Mama can both hear you; Nat, say hello--"

"Alex, it's Mama; we can both hear you--Alex, please; what's wrong, son? Please--let us help you--"

Dad... Mom... if you can... tell Aleksandra and her dad, and... Takahashi, and Melissa... Mills, Schreiner... Browns, Coach... new Physics guy... the Principal... everybody... just... please... tell them... that... that I'm sorry. I... I'm... sorry. I shouldn't have... urgh...

"Alex? Alex--what happened?"

"Alex, are you alright? What's going on?"

...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should never have... I'm sorry. I'm... I can't... I'm shot to pieces. I'm burning up. Can't cry. Just believe me... I'm so sorry. I should have realized... that I might be me, but... I'm... never... a lone tiger...

Sorry...

...

"Alex? Alex, are you there--Alex?"

...

I... can see Aleksandra again. She's... she's right there... with her big brown eyes, and... she's looking at me, and... she's smiling, and... she's--she's waiting... for me. But... I can't... quite... reach her...

...

"Alex?... Alex? ...Alex...?"

...

"Alex?..."

...

_ _

Original Post-Script Comments

4/20/11

(Please take a few minutes off before reading the rest of these post-script comments.

Alright... I hope this story spoke to you, especially if you're something of a lone tiger yourself. I'm not going to explicitly say what the message is, but I do hope that this piece is more than something you read and forget about. This isn't like Family Business or some other quick, fun, yiff piece--this is something that I hope has real meaning, like The Gale, Guardian, or the other things I've written and am writing.

Writing Lone Tiger was a Hell of a process. It was actually quite depressing to do at times--so I hope you appreciate that, too. Talk about black nights...

A sequel is neither planned, probable, nor, I think, possible. So, I guess that's about all I have to say... just please vote, comment, fave, and watch as appropriate.

Well, see you next story, guys. And never forget that you're never exactly a lone tiger... crunker out.)

Revised Post-Script Comments

4/20/12

(Looking back, I'm surprised that I managed to write something as dark and hateful as the original ending of Lone Tiger. I wrote the entirety of the events on April 20th 2009 in one shot, and since then, I haven't quite been able to convince myself to read through it, even for proofing.

Anyway, thank you for reading this whole piece. I sincerely hope that you've enjoyed it, and would really enjoy reading any comments/criticisms/queries/confabulations you have for me. So, please review below with anything you have to say.

Apart from that, I am loath to inform you that the cursed journey of Lone Tiger is not at an end yet. Take some time off, sure, but return soon and re-read the introduction to this piece and then go on to read the revised ending, which is as haunting, chilling, and brutal as the original, with more pronounced elements of what I believed this piece should be all about.

Until you do that... Tiger Khan out.)

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