Getting Better
Getting Better
Well I've been busy for the past year, and life has been a real bitch to me, but I've picked up my hobby for writing once again. I'll be attempting to write more often, but after the problems I've had recently in my life, I can't really promise anything at all.
This is the part where I warn you that everything in this story contains themes such as: Depression, suicidal thoughts, romance between two males and some profane language.
I may or may not expand on this story; I will have to see how I feel about it.
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Life is a fickle thing, it loves to change, and flow in ways that a fluid or gas could only dream of, constantly changing the perspectives and ways people think. In the eyes of some, the strong ones are the ones who can take physical pain, in the eyes of others, emotional pain, it takes a truly strong person to get through a pain that cuts so deep you feel like the world would rather you dead, a pain that cuts into your heart and soul, as if it were a stick of soft butter, waiting to be spread about some other substance. A month ago, Lance would have said true strength was for those who can take physical pain, and keep going, but then again, a lot can happen in a short amount of time.
A month ago, Lance had been a bright-eyed, happy person with a spark of life that some could feel just from looking at him, it shined so bright. A month ago, he had been someone his friends came to for advice, or to look up to when times were low for themselves, because for the arctic fox, nothing seemed to faze him. But that was a month ago. That was before the love of his life told him five simple words, five words that had brought his life to a crashing halt. The words uttered were simple, yet so extraordinarily painful, the words, "I don't love you anymore."
Those words came from nowhere to Lance, looking back he saw the signs of their growing apart, whether it was lack of seeing it, or his mind desperately hiding it unconsciously, it came as a shock. This one had been different, he had seen everything laid out, they had even talked together about their future together, both extremely excited to get out of college and forge a new life together. Nothing could have prepared him for the words, and they cut him open, and ripped his heart out of his chest, there was no breaking of his heart, it was gone.
All of the things he had said, and all of the things said back to him, all of the personal moments he shared, and the happy moments throughout his life were now horrendous reminders of how happy he had once been. After a week he had forgotten entirely what it felt like to be happy, and his friends all started to drift, none of them quite understanding, or just too put off by his robotic attitude to stay. Slowly everything spiraled into a very deep, very dark pit, and the only light was the one person who hadn't left, his one true friend. And even she was drifting away.
Lance was clinically depressed, but not motivated enough to care to see a professional and nobody around suggested, or tried to force him to seek out one. He just mechanically went through the motions of the days, at least, he tried. There were days when he felt everything, and couldn't detach himself from his own thoughts, those were the worst. He had broken down into fitful sobbing near every night, and woke up with bleary eyes, puffed and red from the non-stop crying. Those days, he was glad to live alone, and without a roommate.
He had taken up walking the streets near the town his work was located, the unfamiliar surroundings giving him no memories of his lost love. It was a very welcome and much needed diversion from his small condo that held one too many memories for his liking. So far he hadn't encountered any familiar faces, not that he would on the streets, he was never even sure how he had gotten to most of the stores and cafés he visited while out in this new town, his mind shutting down, but his body unconsciously moving around the town.
It was one of the days where he could feel everything that he decided that a walk around town would be a good idea after work, to maybe lose himself in the monotony of walking. He did, in fact, feel a bit less depressed, losing a lot of the memories that came from his surroundings, but he didn't go into the mechanical state he was in normally. He couldn't complain, however, because anything was better than being on the verge of breaking down yet again.
As he walked through the streets, he noticed faces, plain, exotic, odd, beautiful, a huge spectrum brushing past on their own errands, and wondered what he must look like. He looked at his reflection in the glass and back stared a hollow thing, un-groomed and disheveled. He was taken aback at the reflection, not believing it to be his own, despite the similarities, there was something about his eyes, and the way his reflection stared back, like the reflection was begging with its dead eyes to be put out of its misery.
That part wasn't much of a shock, he had thought about ending his life many a time, holding a knife in his hand, staring intently at the sharp edge, yet unable to end his life in such a pitiful and selfish way. It had gotten harder the longer this went on, though, to put the knife away, and lately, he would sit there, and have to talk himself out of it. Nobody ever came to help him during these bouts of severe depression and suicidal thought.
He quickly walked into a diner, shaken from his own appearance, and wanting to get away from the shell of a fur that stared back at him. He took a seat and ordered, too shaken to even remember what he had ordered until it arrived in front of him. Breakfast for dinner, it had been his favorite thing to order as a pup. His face softened slightly at the memory as he buttered and spread syrup on the pancakes.
He didn't even notice the fur sitting next to him, until he heard the fur clear his throat, and say in a smooth, deep voice, "You okay?" followed by a clawed, scaly hand wave in front of his eyes, not a fur at all, but a dragon.
"Umm..." Lance trailed off.
"I only ask because your pancakes seem to be drowning."
Lance looked down, and saw his pancakes soaked in syrup, and a layer of it forming under them slowly, and stopped pouring syrup on them.
"A tad bit distracted, I see." The friendly dragon said, a goofy smirk on his face, he seemed to be in his mid-twenties, like Lance, his sea green eyes seemed to give off warmth like a gentle campfire to get close to when it's a cold night. He had dark grey scales, not quite black, but a few shades lighter and they glinted in the light that brought out a plethora of shades to his scales. He was taller than the fox, standing at 5' 11". His hair was black and he had an aura of confidence that reassured any near him that things would be okay.
"Yeah... just a rough..." how long had it been? A month? Lance asked himself
"I see," the dragon said, not pressing him about details on timespan, "Well, I could figure that much from your looks, I suppose. Is it trouble with a girl? Lose your job?"
"No, not a girl..." Lance said, "A guy." He didn't know why he was confiding in this stranger, but what did it matter? It was the most conversation he'd had in the past two weeks since his best friend had told him that she was going on a cruise, even offering a ticket half-heartedly, knowing Lance would decline, and already planning the trip with another friend.
"OH, well then, I suppose it's not much different, seeing as I was in the same boat a year or two back." The dragon said, his eyes seemed to grow a tad bit less warm in appearance at mentioning it.
Lance looked at the dragon again, surprised more that he was so nonchalant about it more than the fact that he was gay.
"Name's Lan by the way," The dragon, now dubbed Lan, said, trying to steer the talk from the glum subject, "You don't mind my company for a while, do you?"
"Better company than my pancakes, I suppose." Lance said, surprising himself with the humor, however bland.
Lan gave a small laugh, "that's true; don't think they'll be talking much now."
Lance gave a small smile at the nod towards his syrup-drowned pancakes. He felt more at ease with this complete stranger than he'd felt in the past month, something about him just made Lance feel like life could somehow be happy again. At least for now his mind wasn't trying to collapse in on itself.
"Ah, there's the real you, I knew you couldn't just be some ball of sadness and depression." Lan said.
Lance was confused for a second, before he remembered his reflection in the mirror, suddenly shocked as to how he could ever look like that. He smiled again, a small spark of life returning to his eyes as he began to relax, and slowly get past the cloud of depression that had amassed itself around him.
Lance started to eat his food, chatting in-between bites, laughing softly, and smiling, and in turn, making Lan laugh and grin as well. Lance was surprised at how swiftly he and the dragon had become friends, the dragon was just... overwhelmingly full of life. Lan had rekindled a flame in Lance, and started healing wounds Lance thought couldn't heal. Lance was lost in the warmth of the dragon, and the outstanding feeling of being able to talk to someone again after so long.
When Lance had run out of pancakes to eat, and paid the bill, he was reluctant to leave, not wanting to return to his sad, monotonous life, wishing he could just stay with this dragon and not leave. It wasn't a romantic feeling, necessarily, but just that of a desperate person who wants nothing more than a reprieve from a seemingly endless torture.
Lan noticed, and as he saw Lance walk out, something struck his heart, this had been him some time ago, and he actually HAD someone to reach out to and be with at the time, this poor arctic fox had explained with sadness in his voice over their conversation some of his story. Lance was as alone as one can be. Lan quickly caught up to the fox, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder, and gave a soft smile.
"I can't just let you go like that; you at least need to give me your number." Lan said, seeing the fox's face light up slightly.
"Oh! Well, yeah, okay." Lance said, giving the dragon his cell phone number, and taking the dragon's number as well.
"If you're not busy tomorrow," The dragon said, "I would love to hang out with you again."
Lance's heart jumped at the notion of being able to cling to the one spot of light that had shined upon his bleak and dark life. Without hesitation, he let out a very excited "Yes!" This brought a smile to the dragon's scaly mouth and made him feel exceptionally happy at the notion of helping another in this way.
The next day, the two went out on the town, visiting stores, talking, and generally having a good time, both feeling more alive than they had before they had met each other. Smiles, laughs, and bright eyes brightened up the streets as they walked through them, even spreading good cheer to others as they slowly made their way through the town.
Lance felt a longing he hadn't felt in a long time, the longing of doing nothing but being with one person, and never leaving their side. It brought about a small amount of pain in his heart, but at the same time, the pleasure of the feeling was immense, and made his body warm inside. He thought of his boyfriend, 'OLD boyfriend' he scolded his mind, and how he had felt when they had been together. It was nothing like this, this was something entirely new and exciting; he loved every second of it.
Lan had forgotten entirely that the fox was someone he had just met a day ago, and that he was still heartbroken from a relationship. The fox seemed so full of life now that he couldn't even remember the one he had met in the diner. That hollow-looking, sad and extremely needy fox was no more. The fox he was with was brimming with life, his eyes ablaze with a spark that drove Lan to stare into them. He was intoxicated with Lance's presence, letting the world flow by as they basked in each other's presence.
That was the night that they both knew this would become something more. But they were happy to let it grow slowly, nurturing it, and not rushing a thing. Lance had found out the hard way that things end up poorly when you take them too fast.
Lance's mind and soul were healing, and although he did feel like he would never be quite the same, he felt that it didn't matter. He had become more knowledgeable about the intricacies of a relationship from his experiences. As time went on he slowly stopped thinking of his old boyfriend, moved on, and brought himself closure with the matter. Although it wasn't closure with both ends, he was still finally able to get through it and be the upbeat happy fox he had once been.
His life slowly picked itself back up and healed over the next 3 months, and life had started to look up again. His relationship with Lan had gotten tighter and tighter, the two nearly inseparable without being a couple. Throughout the months, Lance's friends all seemed to come back around, and Lance started to feel inside himself that it was time. He sent Lan a quick text, asking if he would come over for a visit
Lan checked his phone, the buzzing taking him out of his trance, he had been in the gym working out, and it had burst the bubble of concentration the dragon had around him. He looked down at the phone, saw the text, and smiled. He had been to the fox's place before, a small condo that felt like a cozy little place perfectly suited for the word "home". He couldn't wait to go visit the fox again, he was always excited to see Lance, not only because he was a great friend, but because he wanted it to become something more.
As Lan walked up the stairs to the second story condo, his mind was filled with memories of the fox and himself, they had become very close friends over the past three months. He smiled to himself, feeling today was the day for him to come out with it and tell the fox. Lan knocked on the door, getting a swift response, and an eyeful of the fox he had come to see.
Lance was a completely different fox from when they had first met, his fur glistened in the light, and looked soft and smooth. He held an air of confidence that had been missing previously and he smiled warmly at the sight of the dragon.
As Lan looked at Lance, his thoughts were interrupted by a noise, Lan noticed it had been Lance clearing his throat, and that he had an amused look on his face.
"I would say take a picture, but I think you have enough of those already." Lance teased
Lan blushed, his grey scales didn't show it though, his mind froze due to the embarrassing situation, but luckily Lance didn't prolong the silence.
"Well come on inside, you're no stranger." Lance said, moving out of the doorway to permit Lan to enter.
Lan graciously accepted the breaking of the silence, and walked in, "So, any plans for today?"
"Oh, I can think of a few," Lance said, giving a big smile like he knew too much, "but first why don't we eat, I just finished making some stir fry and everything is set up."
Lan's stomach growled at the prospect of food, and he followed the fox to the dining room, where the food was waiting to be eaten.
"It looks great!" Lan said, taking a seat and plopping a generous portion onto the plate at his seat. Lance took a seat across from the dragon and served himself some of the food as well.
The two chatted over their meal, and Lance brought out a bottle of wine to drink as they ate. Lan complimented Lance's cooking as he did every time he ate the fox's food, and Lance promised he would teach the dragon how to cook one day. As the meal wore on, the two slowly got more relaxed, and the two prepared themselves mentally for what they were going to say to the other.
"I wanted to tell you something..." the two said in unison, "You first" they said together, again, and then laughed.
It was Lance who spoke up first this time, pausing slightly, and giving the dragon a deep look, "I wanted to tell you that... well... I'm in love with you, Lan." Lance blushed furiously and his cheeks turned a bright pink through his white fur as he looked down quickly after saying the words.
Lan's eyes widened, he had planned on saying the same thing, and was sure the fox would say the same, but to hear it from the fox was something he was still unprepared for. After the initial shock faded, Lan gave a smile, and cupped his scaled hand under the fox's chin, bringing Lance's face in line with his own. He hadn't planned to be the one to say I love you too, but in the moment, everything seemed right, and he let his mind work its magic on the spot.
"Lance, you're the best thing to happen to me in my life, I couldn't think of anyone I love more than you." Lan said, his own face burning as he said it, feeling extremely exposed emotionally. But the fox's expression of pure joy made the exposed feeling go away, and he felt so safe, so secure with the fox, that he found himself at a loss of words.
Lance's mind had been racing up until Lan had said those words, then it felt as if a great weight was lifted from his shoulders, and he got up, Lan following his movements and embraced the dragon. The two stood there locked in embrace, not caring to know how long they were together, only that they were in each other's arms. When Lance looked up into the dragon's eyes and Lan into his own, Lance melted in his arms. Lan leaned his head closer and closer to Lance's muzzle, and when their lips touched it was electric.
Neither of them spoke, or moved, wanting to let this feeling of eternal bliss last as long as possible. But the two eventually did part their lips, and they did part their bodies as well. Lance smiled and led Lan to the couch, where they cuddled up together and watched some movie that neither was interested in; the only thing either one cared about was the person next to him.