FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

This is a oneshot based on an idea I had earlier this year, a bit experimental, and hopefully not too anvilicious. It may not be developed to the same level as most of my work; I hope it's plausible and the plot flows well.

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~Present~

After the second bout of knocking, the handle of the door jiggled, and then twisted, and the door came open slowly. A large mammal appeared in the doorway, blearily wiping his eyes, and then paused when he saw the uniformed amphibian before him.

"Are you Joseph Ridley?" the short, wiry salamander anthro inquired. His voice was like steel wool - abrasive, and hard as metal.

"Uuuh..." The badger's eyerub turned into a headscratch; his eyes went to the gun holstered at the other's waist. "Uh, yeah. Yes, sir." He seemed nervous, but considering the situation that was to be expected.

"I'm Officer Zyel." The yellow salamander gave the other mammal a once-over: the badger was wearing only a large T-shirt and a pair of dark blue boxer briefs. He was a big guy, probably twice the salamander's weight, most of it simply due to being tall and broad-chested. "Tell me, Mister Ridley, are you acquainted with a 'Miles Russel'?"

The badger stared. "Uh... doesn't ring a bell... I'm sorry, officer, is there a problem?"

"You might say that," Zyel said mildly. "I'd like to ask you a few questions."

Seeming baffled, the badger opened the door a little wider, revealing a darkened room lit only by a flickering television. A futon was visible in front of it, half-folded, blankets rumpled. "Uh, sure. C'min... Uh, mind if I put some pants on?"

"Go ahead," the salamander replied. He kept his eye on the male as he went over to the futon and grabbed a pair of pajama pants from the floor, to be sure he didn't go for a gun or something. At least, that was enough of a pretense to let his eyes stray over the badger's tail region when he bent over.

The badger returned a little clumsily, pulling his pants up over his underwear. "Little early to be asleep, isn't it?" the salamander remarked; it was only six, and had just grown dark outside.

"I work the night shift," the badger replied, rubbing one eye. "It's about breakfast time for me."

"I see."

"Who was it you were asking about, again?"

"Miles Russel." The badger frowned and furrowed his brow. "He was also known to go by his middle name, 'Wyatt'."

At this, the badger's eyes widened. "Ohhhhh, you mean Skizz! Right, I forgot his first name, he didn't like it..."

"Skizz?"

"Scissors, sorry. I met him online, that's his handle. Haven't seen him in a while, is he okay?" The badger looked at him with concern.

Zyel sighed. "Unfortunately, no. He was found dead in his apartment two days ago."

The badger's face registered shock, followed by a blast of raw emotion, regret or sorrow, that was quickly pulled back within. Zyel, observing closely, believed it to be a genuine reaction, but one could never be too sure.

"I'm following up on some of our leads, people who knew him. We haven't yet been able to rule it as a suicide or homicide," he said quietly, softening his tone.

Joe nodded, distracted. "Gee..." he murmured.

"Let's sit down," Zyel prompted. "I'd like you to tell me about him."

"Okay..." the musteline said, looking about in a lost manner, and then leading the way into the kitchen. "I'm... I think I'll make some breakfast, if that's okay." He chuckled weakly. "Stomach's all unsettled now."

"That's alright," the salamander replied; he was pretty sure the badger wasn't going to take him out with a frying pan. He sat down in one of the two wooden chairs, pulling out a notepad, and scrawled down 'Scissors' in untidy print. "Now, could you tell me... the nature of your relationship with Mr. Russel?"

Joe pulled out a carton of eggs and paused, staring into the refrigerator for a moment.

~Six Months Ago~

"Heheheheh." The badger underneath him giggled, squirming a little. "Better stop that!"

Wyatt slid his arms up Joe's torso, slumping down atop him; his nose rushed up quickly, and then stopped just shy of impact. "Or what?" he asked, gently licking his muzzle this time.

"Gonna wake up the dragon!" Joe squirmed and got his paws up under the shorter, much skinnier donkey's arms. "And you know how cranky dragons are in the morning..."

Wyatt giggled. "What's he gonna do, spit fire at me?"

The badger rolled, flipping him over onto his back. "Well, it ain't fire..." he growled lustily, grinding his erection against Wyatt's pelvis. "...but it is pretty hot!"

Wyatt groaned, feeling his own cock stirring readily in response. "Bet he'll feel a lot better after I'm done with him..." he murmured, licking Joe again, playfully. "I've always been good with 'reptiles'..."

Rather than responding with words, Joe kissed him. Hard, passionately, furiously. Wyatt kissed back, shifting to get ahold of his shirt and pull it up, stroking his paws up the badger's broad chest. Joe responded in kind, and it became a contest, of who could get the other's clothes off fastest, without breaking the series of kisses and licks.

Wyatt won, like usual.

~Present~

Joe shut the fridge. "Sexual."

Zyel nodded, unsurprised; it had certainly seemed that way from the evidence. "How serious was this relationship?"

The badger shrugged. "It was off and on for a while. Never formal or anything, we just liked to fool around sometimes, weren't monogamous by any means."

"Tell me how you met him."

Joe cracked the eggs, dropped them in the pan, turned on the heat. "It was a little more than a year ago. There's a certain forum I post on a lot. There end up being a lot of... guys like us, on there." He blushed a little. "You have his computer, you probably know what I'm talking about. I'm friends with a bunch of guys on there. Some I've never met in person, some I... have." He didn't expand on that, began setting up the coffeemaker.

"I see. And Mr. Russel was one of those."

"Yeah. Call him Wyatt, it was the only one of his names he liked."

"Did 'Wyatt' have any other friends on this website?"

Toast went into the toaster. Joe sat down. "Yeah. Couple. There's a pretty loose group of us, couple guys I know really well and some others, we hang out sometimes." He threw the officer a look, embarrassed. "Usually just friendly. Have a couple drinks, that stuff, not..."

"I understand," Zyel said quietly, empathetically. It would have been a breach of his professionalism to reveal how well he understood that awkward clarification, the feeling of bashful shame behind it.

"Skizz fit right in with us. He wasn't really as active as most of us, though, on the forum. We were all kinda friends, and he knew us, and after a while we invited him to one of our meetups, and he started coming sometimes. Not all the time, but we all liked him well enough, he was a nice guy." Joe studied the tabletop. "Couple months ago, though, he just sort of vanished. Not immediately, just slowly stopped doing things or getting online. I haven't seen him but once in the last... four months or so, I don't know about any of the others."

"Was he sexually active with anyone else in this group?"

"Don't think so. Maybe Ry, they at least flirted a lot, but I know Ry pretty well, he would have told me, I think... Ryan Amherst, sorry," he said, at the salamander's questioning look. "You won't be able to reach him, he's in Japan or somewhere, he works someplace that has him travel a lot."

Zyel still jotted the name down, with a question mark. "Mr. Ridley - "

"Joe, please." The badger got up to tend to the eggs.

"All right, Joe, can you tell me... Did Wyatt ever indicate any desire for a... more serious relationship?"

Spatula in paw, the badger blinked.

~Eight Months Ago~

"Shhhhh." He leaned in, planted a soft kiss right on Joe's lips. "You talk too much."

"Heheh. You're the 'vocal' one."

"That's not what I mean," the donkey said with a grin. "Just... Shhh. Let's just enjoy the moment." He wrapped his arms around the badger's ribs, snuggling up to his chest, listening to Joe's breath under him.

After a little while, he began to notice the badger's cock stiffening under him, but didn't acknowledge it until the badger rumbled, "I can think of something we could do that would make us both enjoy it a lot more..."

Wyatt smiled a little indulgently, looking up. "It's always sex with you."

"Heheh. Guilty," Joe replied. "...And you're a hypocrite."

The donkey grinned more openly at that. "Maybe." He stirred. "Want me to suck you off?"

Joe groaned longingly. "Don't tease me this time..."

Wyatt giggled. "No promises. I love making you cum really hard..." His paws slithered down and began undoing the badger's jeans. At least Joe didn't mind curling up with him afterward. Usually.

~Present~

Scramble scramble scramble. "Not really," Joe replied, stirring the eggs. "He seemed happy the way things were. It was pretty casual."

"I see." Zyel made a note. "Did he ever display any signs of depression? Any suicidal tendencies?"

The toaster dinged, Joe retrieved its contents, blowing a rush of air up to ruffle his bangs. "Gosh, I never thought so. I hate to think I might have missed them. My older brother committed suicide, you see, when I was only four... I really try to get people in touch with support, if they sound like they need it." He poured a cup of coffee.

"I'm sorry about your brother," Zyel offered.

"Don't remember him very well," Joe said with a shrug. "Just remember how sad I was. I didn't really understand it." He shook his head, sat down with his mug and plate, and then hopped up again with the latter to scoop out his eggs. While he was looking away, Zyel made a note on his pad.

"Wyatt was always pretty cheerful, though," Joe mused. "The honest sort. I'm not the best judge of people, but he sure never seemed like the type. And I'd like to think I knew him pretty well..." He looked down at the empty pan. "...Though... now I wish I'd known him better."

Zyel decided he deserved to know, after that. "Mr. Ridley... sorry. Joe. There's something I need to tell you, about how we found Wyatt..."

~Four Months Ago~

He clicked up the private chat window in a hurry.

Sc1ss0rz: Hi! *hugs you*

A grin spread across his face as the 'Slydar is typing...' message popped up almost immediately.

Slydar: hi *glomp*

A little chuckle escaped his mouth. Good, he seemed enthusiastic.

Sc1ss0rz: *is glomped* Omg so in the mode for your snake

Sc1ss0rz: *mood

A moment passed.

Slydar: lol snake?

Sc1ss0rz: your pants snake. your boxer python. your undergarment anaconda.

Slydar: lol you and reptiles

Sc1ss0rz: what? it is a nice snake.

Slydar: you like?

Sc1ss0rz: it is my favorite snake out of all the snakes. *true story*

Slydar: hehe you will have to play with him again soon he misses you

Sc1ss0rz: how about tonight you don't have work today. snaketime!

Sc1ss0rz: snake o clock

Slydar: more like snake o COCK

Sc1ss0rz: lol i was just gonna put that. so are you free? i can come over basically now.

Slydar: lol actually i'm with nairus tonight sry

Thud. His grin fell like a stalled airplane.

Sc1ss0rz: you are?

Slydar: yeah lol has my pants off already frisky thing. he likes just lying around in his undies though so we're just interwebbing atm

Wyatt couldn't remember Joe ever consenting to just lie around half-naked with him. His time with the badger was always spent in rough making out or fucking, and soon afterward Joe would get up and politely, affectionately, but firmly, shoo him away. "I have plans," or "I have work," or "You should get to bed, it's late for you."

Sc1ss0rz: oh

A long pause followed.

Slydar: yeah sry rain check okay

Sc1ss0rz: okay.. guess it's just me and my paw tonight lol

Trying to put a good face on it made him feel a little better. Joe didn't have to be drawn down by his disappointment. Or... was it jealousy?

He hadn't realized the badger was still sleeping with other men. He should have; they were both in open relationships, officially, everyone knew it.

Just, in his head... Wyatt wasn't open at all.

Sc1ss0rz: you there?

Another pause.

Slydar: sry nairus keeps messing with me lol

Slydar: better get off i'll text you tomorrow okay

-- Slydar has left the chat --

Wyatt sighed, closing the laptop with a sharp, abrupt gesture. What kind of dumb ass was he? He knew the badger wasn't into him. Joe didn't want a relationship, he never had. He wanted casual sex, or, at most, friends with benefits. A lot of friends, with a lot of benefits.

"Better accept that now, Miles," he muttered, the last word in a mocking, hateful tone. "Before you start hoping."

The donkey sat still after that, for a long time. The thing was... he'd never stop wanting it, so long as they kept meeting up like this. That feeling would never stop growing stronger.

Maybe doing this Joe's way was as bad of an idea as doing it his way. Maybe this was all a mistake.

~Present~

"Among the possessions in Wyatt's apartment, we found a great deal of... well, several things. Sketches, mostly, some poetry, too, and some letters."

Joe nodded, sitting down with his plate of breakfast. "He was an artist. Not a very good one, by his own admission; he wanted to make a living out of it someday."

"Ah..." Zyel paused, tilted his head. "You were the subject of a great deal of them."

The badger blinked, stunned. "I... was?"

"A great number of the drawings, yes, and nearly all the poetry. Most of the letters were either addressed to you, or addressed to others and concerned you."

"...What did they say?"

The salamander rubbed the back of his neck, uncomfortable. There wasn't really an easy way to reveal it. "It would take a long time to give you a complete answer, but it is... well, the overall idea is, that..." he sighed, stared at the table, and then looked up. "Wyatt... sure used the word 'love' a lot."

Joe stared at him.

"That's what we know. It's... pretty clear, if you read some of them. That he meant it." The salamander looked down again, visibly blushing; it was horribly wrong to envy the badger, but he did. He wished some guy or other would say some of those things about him. Obviously, without the subsequent onset of rigor mortis.

The badger blinked, stared, blinked again. "Oh."

"I... thought you deserved to know," the salamander said.

The badger sat very still, for a long moment. Then, slowly, he picked up his untouched plate of eggs and toast, stood, and dumped it in the trash.

"Joe?"

"Not hungry..." the badger mumbled. His voice sounded weak.

Zyel stood slowly, walked toward him, put one small paw on his arm. "I'm sorry."

The badger wiped his eyes on his forearm, gulped. Stared off into space. "I'm such a fucking dumbass."

"We're not sure if it was a suicide," Zyel said. "I'm... not sure if that's any comfort or not."

"Either way, I'm a fucking dumbass," Joe uttered, rubbing his face, and then laughing unfunnily at the ridiculousness of it. He turned to the salamander abruptly. "You know, I liked Wyatt, he was a nice guy, I could've..." He stopped, eyes welling.

The salamander didn't say anything this time. He didn't know what else to say.

Joe wiped his eyes again. "How... how did he die?" he asked, slowly.

"Gunshot wound to the head. Came from the left front, point blank range. No good prints on the gun, lots of smudged ones, tracing it hasn't told us much. Fell relatively near him, but he seems to have moved several feet after it was inflicted. Autopsy's trying to determine whether it would have killed him instantly or not."

"He was left-pawed..." Joe murmured. Zyel nodded.

After a long pause, the badger began speaking, in an undertone. "I just wish he'd... said something. He never said anything. He seemed happy with... things, he never complained or asked about... Whatever happened to him, I just wish... that he'd said something!" his voice had risen; it dropped sharply just after. "I would have... I could have..."

The salamander watched, heart aching.

Joe sat down at the table again, and gave another of those unfunny laughs, this one more tearful. "The worst part is, I don't know if I would have! I was happy, I didn't really want to... be with anyone, you know, I might have just said... But if I'd known that..." He looked up, wiping his cheeks. "What if I could have made him happy? What if he would have been happy before he died, what if I could have kept him from..."

"There was nothing you could have done..." Zyel murmured. It didn't matter if it was true, now.

"He was such a nice guy..." Joe whimpered, now crying freely. "He didn't deserve this."

Zyel drew the other chair around beside the badger, sat down, and put one arm companionably around his shoulders, echoing the phrase in his mind with a different antecedent. He was known for being good with victims; everyone in the precinct went to him when someone needed softer handling. That's why he was here tonight. But this one was too close to home. He didn't know what to say, what anyone could say in a situation like this. He should have told McAlister to handle this one; the taciturn tortoise would have never revealed the nature of Wyatt's emotions. He cared more about the investigation than doing the right thing.

Was it the right thing? He still wasn't sure.

~Thirteen Months Ago~

Wyatt slithered back into his t-shirt. "Will I see you tomorrow?" he asked softly.

Joe was lying on his bed watching the donkey. "Well, I dunno, I got plans."

"Ah." The donkey, finished dressing, sat down on the end of the bed, not looking at the badger. "I... well, I'd like to. If you have time."

"Maybe I'll text you." Joe smiled a little; it was an awkward expression.

"Okay."

"You okay? You sound a little down."

The donkey shrugged a bit. "I'd just like to see you, is all."

The badger blinked, a little annoyed. "You're not my boyfriend."

"I know..." Wyatt responded immediately, berating himself. He shouldn't push like that - Joe had what he wanted, asking more of him would only embarrass them both. At least they were friends. Or... whatever it was they were. He ought to just be happy with that; it was probably more than he deserved.

"All right. Well. See you later, then," Joe said, awkwardly.

"'Night, Joe..." Wyatt said, and walked out of the room, ears low.

~Present~

"I may have a few questions for you as the investigation progresses," the salamander said.

Joe nodded, watery-eyed, holding the door open with a paw. "Uh, I can give you my cell, whatever you need..."

"I have the number," Zyel reassured. "I'll call you in a few days regardless to check up on you." Zyel smiled a little, eyes a lot softer than his still-professional tone.

Joe nodded, and then looked at his watch. "Shit. I'm... I'm late for work. Hate to push you out, but..." He half-turned, and then came to a stop, staring blankly out at the room.

Zyel watched him, a surge of empathy rising in his chest. He pulled out his duty phone. "What's your employer's number?"

"Uh..." The badger rattled off a sequence. "But, uh..."

Zyel punched it in, a sort of righteous defiance following the empathy.

"Good evening, this is Officer Samuel Zyel," He gave his precinct and badge number, voice in 'very official' mode. "I'd like to speak to the supervisor of Joseph Ridley, please. Ah, good. Unfortunately, Mister Ridley has suffered a..." he glanced at the badger, watching him mournfully. "...A personal loss. He won't be able to come into work today. I'm sure you understand. No sir. Absolutely, I'll stop by on my way back to the station. No, no trouble at all. Good evening." He hung up.

"Thank you..." Joe said, his voice meeker than Zyel had heard it all night.

"You might want to stay with someone for a few days," Zyel remarked gently.

Joe shook his head. "I'll be okay." He snorted a little. "He was just my fuck buddy, I shouldn't let it screw me up this much."

"There's a lot more going on than that," Zyel said softly. "I think the way you've taken it is more than justified. It... says a lot of things about the kind of person you are. A lot of good things." He paused, and then stepped out the door, turning to face the badger standing in it. "Here. I'll check up on you in a few days. You need anything, don't hesitate." He offered a card, one of the generic ones he always carried, mostly in case state or departmental agents needed to contact him on joint cases.

Joe took it, gave him the first real, personal look he'd accorded the amphibian. "Thanks."

"Take care of yourself, Joe." He tried to put as much empathy into it as he could.

The badger nodded. "'Night, Officer..."

"Good night."

The door shut.

Zyel sighed, watching it for a moment, and then paced back down and got in his squadcar. He shouldn't've gotten involved in this one. For a lot of reasons.

After ten minutes of staring at the wheel, he muttered "Fuck it," and turned the key.

~Three Days From Now~

Rap rap rap.

It was several minutes before Joe came to the door. They were minutes spent in anxious anticipation for the amphibian, a sort of burning fear that, behind the door, all was not well. He thought more than once about breaking the door down, both before and after knocking, but relatively soon he saw a light flick on inside, visible in the peephole, and forced himself to relax. He'd probably just woken Joe up again. Great job, dumbass.

When the door finally creaked open, Sammy was relieved to see the badger poking his head out, blinking blearily. "Oh. Hello..." he paused, taking in the salamander's plain polo and jeans, where before there had been a uniform. "...Officer," he finished anyway.

"You can call me Sammy, if you like..." the salamander said, voice softer and less authoritative than Joe remembered it. "Just, uh, comin' by to check up on you. I was going to call, but then I figured you'd like the visit... and I'd probably wake you up either way..." He grinned apologetically.

Joe smiled back. "It's okay, I'm off tonight anyway. I don't know what you said to my boss, but when I came in the next day, he told me to go home, and not to come back until next week." The badger shook his head, grinning. "You have no idea how weird that is for him." He stepped back and gestured. "C'min."

"Heheh. How are you doing?" Sammy asked, looking at him with gentle concern as he stepped into the room once more. Joe was struck by how short he was; he hadn't noticed when the amphibian was in uniform.

"Oh..." The badger grimaced, shrugged. "Better. Feel... really stupid, mostly. Remembering a lot of things and regretting them, stuff I didn't think about at the time." He lead the way back across the main living space of his apartment, to the sliding glass door that lead out to the patio, and opened it. "I just feel like... If I'd paid more attention, been a little more... emotionally sensitive, I guess..."

"Still blaming yourself?" the salamander inquired mildly, taking a seat in one of the two plastic chairs.

"Trying not to..." the badger replied. "I know it wasn't my fault... but I wonder, whether I could have stopped it even so." He sighed. "The thing was, it's been months since I saw him last. Been a while since I thought about him much. So to have this come back, in this way... It's a bit like a punch in the jaw, to regret so much."

"Yeah..." Sammy hesitated. "They've closed the case officially," he remarked, as though it weren't anything important.

Joe glanced his way at that. "Oh?"

"Yeah. It was ruled a suicide."

Joe nodded, with a little sigh. "I see." He hesitated, and then looked at the amphibian. "...What do you think?"

Sammy met his eyes. "Me? Not sure what to think." He hesitated. "It... the evidence pointed that way, no helpful prints, door wasn't forced, nothing stolen, but there were a lot of things strange about it, too. The door was unlocked when he was found. He seemed to have moved somehow a fair distance after being shot; it's possible someone moved him, or that the gunshot didn't kill him instantly. The window was broken, and wasn't cleaned up. At first we thought the bullet went through it... but the bullet was still in his head, and the gun was only missing one." He sighed. "But... there's nothing to follow up on. Just a lot of questions."

"Ah." The badger looked out at the city, lights springing on as darkness fell.

"I think... I think it was probably a suicide," Sammy said, after a while. "But I wish there was something conclusive, so I could be sure, either way..." He looked at the badger beseechingly.

"Yeah. Would give some closure to the whole thing, I guess..." Joe replied, and Sammy nodded, looking back out.

After a while like this, Joe stirred a little, and looked at him. "How long you been in the force?"

Sammy blinked. "Me?" he asked stupidly. "Oh, about ten years now..."

"You like it?"

"Love it. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's a pain, but it's always rewarding eventually."

"Heh." Joe looked at him with a small grin. "You don't really seem the type, you know."

"I know." The salamander grinned. "Back in school, I was the scrawny nerdy kid in the back, no one could see me having anything to do with it. But I knew I wanted to go into Forensics. So that's what I did." He shrugged. "Doesn't matter so much to my superiors whether I look the part; I get the job done."

"You're a bit too nice of a guy to be a cop," Joe remarked bluntly.

"Maybe..." Sammy replied, with a small smile.

Joe huffed a little, wrapping his arms around himself; it was a little cool. Contemplated what to say next. Decided.

"You know... if there's anything I've drawn from the past couple days, it's that... I can't let people slip by me."

Sammy wasn't sure what to say to that, so he said nothing.

"Wyatt was... a great guy. One way or another, he's gone now. And while he was within reach, there was this... chance. And I didn't take it. I didn't see it... or I didn't want to see it." Huff. "I've... been wondering about my priorities a lot."

"Everyone reaches that point eventually. Some people sooner than others." The amphibian distinctly remembered when he had.

Joe was silent for a moment. Then, he looked over at the other male. "Well... I'm done letting people slip away. I... can never know, when I won't get another chance. The last few days have sure taught me that. But, the past is the past. So..." He stalled, grimaced. "Um, would you like to... maybe go to dinner sometime?"

The salamander blinked. "I... okay. Sure." He smiled, a little bashfully. "Uh, if I may ask... how did you know?"

"I have a pretty good gaydar," the badger replied, with an answering smile.

"Heh. You must," Sammy replied, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment.

Joe sat back, smiling, and looked out at the horizon, which was nearly immersed in darkness now.

"You look like you feel better..." the salamander observed, relief finding its way into his voice.

Joe answered slowly. "It'll sting for a while yet. But... at least I know, that... whatever happens... I won't regret anything about tonight." He glanced back, smiled, reached out and grabbed Sammy's paw impulsively.

The salamander chuckled, and they looked out at the slowly rising moon. "Good."

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This does not begin to approach a full treatment of the issue of suicide, nor the idea of taking chances when they are put in front of you, nor the value of serious relationships. Any story I would dare to call a full treatment of my thoughts on those issues would be much, much longer. I'd like to fully address them all in my writing someday; this just touches on some of the things I might say about them.

Hope you liked, and that it wasn't too sad. I think it's actually a pretty happy story overall.