Furries: The Musical!
FURRIES!: The Musical
Act I;
(The scene begins with a man driving towards a city for gas, as his small cream Toyota is running on fumes alone. However, he does not realize that he is driving into the membrane of a fantasy)
(the city can be compared to New York or Metropolis in regards to size and activity during the day) (weather is fair with a slight breeze)
Man: Where the hell am I? *sighs* I guess there's no help for it, I'll need to see about buying gas HERE.
(the citizens take notice of the car coming to the entrance of the city, and it's unusual driver, creating a mob in the street, and blocking his way. The man stops, flustered and shocked at the appearance of the city-dwellers)
Bear M (male): Yiffy!
Sheep F (female):Yiffy!
Bull: Yiffy!
Fox M: Right here in the city!
Husky M: Friendly faces!
Hippo F: Fur all places!
Skunk F: Lovely balls of fluff!
(man recoils in surprise)
Unicorn F: Furry!
Ram: Furry!
Donkey M: Furry!
Dragon F: Why you in a hurry?
Badger M: Can't you see.
Owl F: Where you be?
Mare: Go ahead and stop!
(furs begin to open his door and yank him out among the confines of the curious gathering)
(More subdued, less intense in tone)
Fox F: Fluffy
Porcupine F: Fluffy
Rhino F: Fluffy
(Fox F bats coy eyelashes at man)
Fox F: Don't you be so stuffy
Sheep F: In anthro city
Unicorn F: We take real pity
Dragoness F: On those who never-
(man makes a motion as if to try to escape)
Ram M: HALT! (puts out one hand in warding gesture to stop man)
Fox F: Cutie
(Fox F plays w/ man's tie)
Skunk F: Cutie
(Skunk F rubs black paw along man's chest)
Unicorn F: Cutie
(Unicorn F gives man surprise peck *kiss* on the cheek)
Mare: Now don't you be so snooty!
(Mare steals man's PDA)
Fox F: You might be late
Skunk F: For your date
Dragon F: But it can be redone!
(Dragon F takes PDA from Mare, using stylus to erase man's calendar schedule)
Sheep F: Lovely
Husky M: Lovely
Owl F: Lovely
Mouse M: You sure are starting to bug me!
Bear M: You don't want to miss
Mynah bird F: A chance like this
Horse M: So we are saying WHOA!
(spoken by Horse M w/ palm out in a stop motion)
Donkey M: Hairy
Lion M: Hairy
Skunk F: Hairy
Husky M: Why aren't you all that merry?
Hippo F: We invite you in
Giraffe F: As if you were kin
Ox M: You still refuse?
Spoken by all: Well......
(then suddenly they all grab man and usher him forth through the city streets toward city hall)
Spoken by all: Then we insist!
Act II;
(scene opens with man in front of the long stairway of the anthro city congress building)
Bear M: I am a bear, a baker's son
Fox M: And I am a fox who tricks everyone!
(Fox M does playful back-flip)
Horse M: I am a horse, working hard everyday
Cat F: And I am a cat who always likes to play!
(Cat F *purrs*)
Ram M: I am a ram who does security
Skunk F: And I'm a skunk, but no one mind me!
(anthros make space for Skunk M)
Boar M: I am a boar who goes to court right now *walks up long stairs*
Bull: And I'm a bull, so please don't have a cow!
Giraffe F: I am a giraffe, in need of a chiropractor
Ox M: And I'm an ox who thanks heaven for the tractor
Turtle M: I am a turtle, glad for the bus
Dog F: And I am a bitch, but I don't make a fuss!
Deer M: I am a stag who likes to play the blues
Badger M: And I'm a real badger, so I don't like to lose!
(Badger M does trick with deck of cards)
Chicken F: I am a hen who really enjoys crochet
(All anthros gather for conclusion)
Spoken by all: So even if you're not a fur, we all think you're okay!
(Mayor steps out, *role unspecified, can be any furry type*)
Mayor M/F/?:
Still not convinced?
Oh, woe is you!
Surrounded by so many friends
But you are a man who still pretends
That this isn't the place for you?
Hush Now! What are we to do?
Furries are here
(motions to Fox F)
Scalies are there
(motions to Dragon F)
But you are not amused
(shakes head in wonder)
I don't know why you worry
Here you won't be abused!
You really are a strange one, Sir!
Truly out of sorts in this city of fur
(sweeping gesture to incorporate entire gathered populace)
Why do you try to hide,
(Points to own chest meaningfully)
All the desires you keep inside?
*Sighs*
Take a step back
*sighs*
Relax and breathe
Maybe then we'll let you leave!
(Paws crossed over chest in annoyance)
You really are a strange one, dude
(Points at a few in the gathering)
We're not asking to do anything lewd!
We just want your company
(Mayor hugs self)
Visit us and then you'll see!
Man: *Sighs, exasperated*
Why do you humor this lonely man?
And why do you stand in my way?
Why have you imprisoned me?
Is this how I'll end my day?
(points meaningfully at Lion M, then Bear M)
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
If I'm stuck here, I guess I'll try
Relent! Relent! Relent! I do!
Alright fine, I'll listen to you!
Now get off my back!
What do you want?
Do you think me some human hack?
*sighs, giving up*
If that's how you feel...
You're in the wrong place!
Leave me be, I cower disgraced
(man is somewhat depressed)
Fox M:
Hah!
(tickles man)
*following verse drawn out*
I am a friendly clown
*Fox M dressed like clown w/ squirt flower and red nose cover*
A fluffy happy fox who never wears a frown
(motions to audience {mob})
So my lads, just you wait and see
(points at own chest boldly)
You'll never play a trick
On silly, yiffy me!
Don't you try
(Wags finger)
Don't you even start
Or I'll lay a cushion down
That'll make you fart!
(blows playful/slightly vulgar raspberry)
So don't mess with the jester
Because I'm even better
And don't play with the fool
Or the only one fooled
(Shoots water at man from lapel flower)
-is you-
Act III;
(Mayor takes man around tour of city with gathering behind. Many shops are on the way)
(On right is a dress shop with anthro mannequins wearing skirts and Gucci handbags. Working diligently inside is a pregnant black mare)
Mare F:
I am a seamstress mare
With a foal on the way
(rubs tummy meaningfully)
Even if I'm pregnant
I work merrily all day!
(Spins happily in place)
Sometimes with needles in my mane
And a happy gait on shift
(gives playful salute)
I could tell you many things
About my little 'gift' (foal)
Bull M:
I'm a bull in a china shop
(turns to face crowd outside store, knocking a cup off a shelf with his butt by accident)
*sighs*
And the one blamed, hearing something drop
(owner comes over, fining him for the broken merchandise)
(Bull M shrugs)
I guess today, my bulk is a curse
(holds up a finger)
But just wait!
*laughs*
I know someone worse
I've got a friend who's an ass (really)
Donkey M: Hey!
I guess he doesn't have much class!
(stares at Donkey M with scolding expression)
But he's the best that I got
*shrugs*
Because he does what he ought?
And a fox that is a clown
(points at Fox M next to man)
When I'm angry, he calms me down
And the last, my mate's a mare
(points to Mare F in gathering)
So I find her comely and fair
So my friends, don't be blue
life's too short
(points at man)
even for you!
(by another store, they're greeted by Ram M, who is a security guard)
Ram M:
I am the ram you heard about
(bows to gathering)
Drop a line and give a shout
(catches hoodlum walking out of store w/ merchandise)
So before you think to steal
(takes back property, tossing it to the salesfur at the counter)
I'll make you a separate deal
Though my horns aren't sharp
(butts youth out into the street)
I'll still gut you like a carp
If you steal from my store
There's no excuse
(holds up finger)
Unless your poor
Even if I have no gun
I'll kick your ass
(motions to crowd)
Ask anyone
(gives speculative look)
And though thieving is a sin
(motions with arms warmly for crowd to enter)
I beseech all others, come on in!
Act IV;
(the crowd ignores the proprietors, now eager to introduce themselves to man)
Unicorn F: *kisses man on cheek again*
I know you didn't expect to see
(bats eyelashes teasingly)
A mythical thing quite like me
(strokes furry chin)
I've a beard and white hair
(wags finger in NO motion)
But not a hermit from a lair
(sits cute ass on ground with legs splayed out, body in L-shape, grabs rear hooves in hands and rocks cutely side to side)
With a muzzle and hooves to boot
(gets up and rubs muzzle with mans nose)
But not a horse you silly coot!
(rubs horn along man's right shoulder)
On my head I've got a horn
Why, funny human, I'm a unicorn!
*laughs*
Mynah F: (saunters to man's side)
I know today's my lucky break
(wags hips, fan-like tail meaningfully)
When I sing you'll double take
(rolls shoulder saucily)
So you see I'm a mynah bird
(pauses speculatively)
I guess you think that's quite absurd!
Because mynahs don't really sing
No, that's really a finches' thing!
*sighs defeated*
I'm right here upon the stage
Reciting a song wrote on a page
(does sweeping confident gesture w/ one wing)
Before you know it, I'll do real well
Keeping entire audience under my spell
Someday soon becoming a success
I guess I'm glad I did my best?
Mouse M: (satirical soliloquy)
A mouse in the house
Whatever will we do?
(sways paw in ironic gesture)
Maybe he's better off living in a shoe?
(sweeps arms in gesture of great vastness)
Because this home is too much space
Mousie should find another place!
(stomps meaningfully)
*pauses speculatively*
A mouse, living in our abode?
Would it be proper
To flush him down commode?
*shrugs, sighs*
(spoken rapidly)
Because it really is a bother
To have a little mousie father
Right here in our bachelor pad!
(slows down, contemplative)
Well, maybe it's really not that bad?
Skunk F:
I guess I know what you think
I'm a skunk, so you guess I stink!
(furs make way for her as she goes to man)
Whenever I go to a new place
Furs around give me some space
(points backwards at nervous crowd)
They think I'm a WMD
Cause when I go off, they cannot see!
(shows off pieces of paper to man and crowd)
A restraining order has been passed
*laughs wryly*
By all the furs I just gassed!
(aims butt playfully at crowd, laughs when furs panic to get out of her range)
No one is in my way
When they think I'm gonna spray
So I'll tell you all quite bland
(next verse is a barely audible whisper in man's ear, punctuated with a nip of his ear)
Better keep ketchup close at hand
(muses speculatively, sniffing)
Because when you find that smell
(yells to audience, grinning)
Be prepared for a stinky hell!
Dragoness F (sidles up playfully to man)
With dark glistening eyes
(winks at man)
And sharp taloned feet
Breath without mercy
(breathes playfully into man's face)
Power that can't be beat
(flexes muscled arm)
Big giant wings
(flaps her wings)
That block out the sky
Clammy scaly skin
(rubs man's cheek with taloned hand gently)
(suddenly growls loudly into man's face)
And a roar that claims you die
(burps loudly)
Appetite that won't stop
(rubs hips against man)
Passion that won't cease
(motions to crowd)
Aren't you glad,
All of you?
You never met this beast?!
(motions to herself, spoken in ironic way, as many furs HAD met her and more)
Lion M: (stalks up to man)
(whisper verse)
Always whisper, always pause, never gawk
Our first lesson on how to stalk
(Goes behind man)
Stay downwind of our pray
(pounces man to the ground)
Or we do not eat today!
(gets up off man)
She says let them come to us
(man gets to his feet)
But impatience makes us fuss!
(pounces man playfully again)
So we run and chase our meal
(gets back up, grinning)
In order that hunger, we do not feel
(spans crowd, looking)
Now here comes mother, wise and tall
(reaches out to help man up)
Saying that haste makes fools of us all
Man:
Why do I hide from the world
*shrugs*
To deny me what I am?
Why do I always worry
And think myself a sham?
(kicks out leg in bored gesture)
Why should I show my face
When I discard my mask?
I really don't need anyone's help
That's why I never ask!
Act V;
(scene opens up at a scenic anthro city park)
Dragon F: The dancing in the street
Fox M: By funny furry feet
Husky M: And everyone you meet?
Man OHHH?
(Fox F, Skunk F, Unicorn F, perched on lip of expensive large fountain)
Fox F: Drink to our health
Skunk F: Share in our wealth
Unicorn F: You're an odd little elf?
Man: NOOO!
(bunch of M furs having a picnic on sheet)
Bear M: No dead pelts here
Bull M: Just friends and good cheer
Horse M: (points at man) Are you a little queer? (meant as strange)
Man: WHOAAA! (taken in incorrect sense)
(on a picnic table playing cards, poker {but not for money, just for fun)
Rhino F: Relax among us
Badger M: Don't make a fuss (gets pissed off at being beaten and almost swears, but Hen F holds wing over his mouth)
Hen F: And don't cuss
Man: SOOO?!
(furs begin to crowd man)
Ram M: If you don't believe
Sheep F: In what we achieve
Horse M: (grunts) Then please, by all means, leave
(all shove him towards the exit of the park)
All say at once: GOOO!
(Fox F follows man, wrapping herself acrobatically and seductively about him)
Fox F:
Who has had as good as me?
(rubs man's chest)
A playful vixen to touch, feel, and see?
(rubs herself on his chest)
Everyone wants to be the vulpines
Everyone wants to yiff the vulpines!
(thrusts herself against his thigh)
Get away from him, Goldilocks!
(wags finger angrily to no one in particular, wrapping her body protectively about man's)
Here comes a REAL Fox!
(man tries to get her off, but she hugs tighter)
You can't escape, it's fate
Inseparable when I choose a mate
Stuck with each other like peas in a pod
(fastens eyes dreamily into man's)
Until you accept me as a god-
Ass! *supposed to sound like goddess*
(takes herself off, wagging her butt and tail in front of man)
(Badger M pushes her away, putting on a visor)
Badger M:
How compulsive do you get?
When you play the odds
when you make your bets?
All bets are in
Even if it IS a sin?
Play the slots like a pro
Cause lady lucks'...
the only gal you gotta know!
Who needs an air-headed mate?
When you win a couple thou with a straight!
Blackjack is fun too
But for me, it just won't do
Poker's my only game
And better than any dame!
Sheep F: (shoves Badger M away)
How can you say that?
when you're mated to the cat!
There's more to life than green and gold
Like snuggling with me when it's cold?
(hugs man with her unshaved fluffy body)
Keep you toasty without a peep
That's why any guy likes a sheep!
Badger M: *grumbles* Bah!
Yes, Bah! Ba-a-ah! Bleet like a sheep
We eat a great heap
Sheared for our trouble
(gives salute)
And marched back out on the double!
Nobody likes wool cause it itches
Yes, a real pain in the britches!
But for all that, still kept for pets
Taken care of and seen by the vets
Deer M: (holding saxophone)
Depressing, no?
All these opinions
All this pointless show?
That's why we have the blues
This is what you play
when worried what to do!
(plays brief instrumental)
So very troubled
I see your struggle
Perhaps, deciding who to snuggle?
Or are these cares
So very real
As far as these choices
On how you feel?
(finishes with jubilant conclusion on sax)
Don't let it bother none
don't wear your strife
Just my advice,
On this little thing called life!
Cat F:
Nine lives would be so fine
*purrs*
If I hadn't lost eight of mine!
I am an alley cat,
A real smooth pussy
Come over, take a look
Unless you're a wussie
*wags black tail side to side*
For most of my guys
I only bring bad luck
For all the rest,
I'm a really great...
(stops before saying F-word)
TIME!
From walking under ladders
To breaking a mirror
You won't find,
As bad as you got here!
(points to self)
*purrs*
So, who cares
About the kitty jinx?
If you really liked me,
We could work out all the kinks
(waves hips saucily)
Come see my hocus pocus,
Put your lust in focus
(*laughs* slaps own ass seductively)
Everyone wants to hit that
Cause...
(puts clawed finger in mouth cutely)
I Thought I saw a puddy cat!
(*laughs* sauntering off)
Rhino F: (points back at cat)
She might be nice
But I'm larger than life!
I could learn to like you
Maybe become your wife?
*sighs*
But I know the others
They would make a fuss
anyone would tell you
I could bench press a bus!
They think I'm domineering
I think I'm quite the beauty
Others would disagree,
Saying I'm very moody!
*snorts derisively*
Little do they know
I'm a girl with heart
So truly sympathetic
Maybe even smart!
So don't judge me
By just muscle alone
So much more to me
Than the bulk on my bones!
*giggles*
Mare F (not pregnant one):
She's pretty nice,
But I'm a real prize
If I weren't married
I'd undress you with my eyes!
(stares into man's face lustily)
Win, place or show
Bet on my speed
Fantastic like the wind
Maybe driven by my need
I'm the girl you like
Not at all a poser
Just really special
In a race as a closer!
Shoot from the gate
Around the bend
Maybe this time
I'll just pretend
I never married
I never got wed
Just to avoid the guilt
To have you in my bed!
(trots off coyly)
Turtle M:
Slow and steady wins the race
(cleans glasses)
Unless you go at my snails' pace
In other regards, haste is a curse
Unless, of course, you come in first
Still, the trouble isn't me
It's the fact I cannot see
(takes off glasses, squints)
So I can't go buy a car
I'd crash before I got too far
So, never be quick to decide
But neither should one be too slow
We must all strike a balance
To learn and come to know
Giraffe F:
Bad pain strikes often
I've only seven bones, you know
(cracks neck vertebrae)
Not only misaligned,
But also out of row
Quality service is a must
A challenging little factor
When looking through doctors
For a really good chiropractor!
Things outta place
Give me a pain in the neck
I wish my whole throat
Weren't a total wreck!
*sighs, laughs, leaves*
Hippo F:
Cookies, chocolate
I really can't help it
It's all so unhealthy
But I still do need it!
Everything from ice cream
To cake doesn't last
Certainly not in my home
Since It all goes to my ass!
Shelf life, expiration
None of it's an issue
No such thing as moderation
When waiting just won't do!
I must embarrass you
The way I stuff my face
Clean out the buffet
Of every single place!
I'm sorry to offend
I really can't help it
I can probably eat a melon
The size of my left tit!
Porcupine F:
At least you can be touched
They say 'don't hug her!'
To all potential mates
How can I find a lover?
So sad I find
Like I'm in a bubble
To be caressed
Is asking for trouble!
Love would mean more
If I could enjoy
The charming attentions
Of a furry boy!
And when I shave
It's with garden sheers
To get my needles down
From here to here!
Act VI;
(man is followed along the long way back to his car by some others still eager to tell him about themselves)
Husky M:
Wait Mister!
Teach me a new trick?
Maybe make me beg
Or let me take a lick?
(gives man lick on face)
I'm not your average doggy
I've got anthro pedigree!
By these feet and hands
You can plainly see!
Teach a new trick
To an old hound dog
I can fetch for you
An entire fallen log!
Or play dead so eager
So very convincing
I'll have you upset
Bereaved, and wincing!
Whoever said
"Can't teach an old dog new tricks"
Never even met me
Or my knotted...
(about to say vulgar D-word)
CHEW TOY!
*laughs, wagging tail happily, leaves*
Horse M:
To succeed
Work hard everyday
Until the lottery,
That's what they'd say
All I want is to retire well
Not get stuck on the street
Between a rock and hard place
Worrying how to eat
Will this effort come to effect
Will this labor bear fruit
Is all my time wasted
When putting on this suit?
Bring me some success
I hope my rat race strife
Has brought some hope
Into my hectic life
But if I failed
If this were in vain
Then my work was foolish
And I was eager and insane
Donkey M:
Why am I compared
To fools, idiots, losers?
"There goes another ass"
"He must be a boozer!"
I might be called
By a silly name
But ass and donkey
It's not the same!
Who do you insult,
When titling the fool?
An ass who is the fool,
Or the fool following the fool?
Fox M: So true!
I might be cr-ass
Maybe even ass-inine
But please don't call me 'ass'
That is where I draw the line!
Refrain in what is said
Please call me inane
But calling an ass, ass
That's practically insane!
I'm tactless, boorish
So very blundering
Idiotic and confused
In my senseless wondering!
Ox M:
Yard work is great for me
The early method choked
Yes, it really sucks
Having to be yoked!
But now I got better
No more neck ache
Just to sow crops
Merely for my sake!
I have a John Deere!
Deer M: Hey! (offended protest)
A nifty healing factor
Instead of tugging with my head
I bought myself a tractor!
Chews up the grass
And sows the crop
Better to watch weeds fall
Than see me plow and drop!
Boar M:
May I tell you
About my little world?
A place beyond right and wrong
Do I now leave unfurled!
When asked to the stand
Do not mislead the wrong side
It's only perjury
If they prove that you lied!
And the evidence you see?
It can all be made clear
That you'd never seen it
Until you saw it here!
Get a good lawyer,
When you find yourself in a pit
He'll tell you what to do,
To get yourself out, to clean off the...
(almost says bad S-word)
DIRT!
Hen F:
Being a chicken
It's a total mess
So very tired
Of men staring at my breasts!
I'm a real lady
Not that kind of chick
That sort of treatment
Really makes me sick!
Never really been
To a peep show
So I'm a little flustered
How was I to know?
A girl like me
Break from her shell now and again
Even if I have to
Put up with a cocky man!
*laughs*
Maybe I egg them on
With the way I dress
A humble lass don't mean to
I absolutely confess!
Bear M:
It is really fun
What I do most everyday
From cooking up pies
To baking a soufflé!
You have to be careful
When putting in the yeast
If you add too little
It won't rise in the least!
But I am still learning
This tasty little trade
You might think my stuff is good
But see what my dad has made!
*laughs*
Buying quality ingredients
It's an absolute must
The one thing that distracts me
(Fox F comes by, Bear M stares at her in awe, pointing)
Is her Perky bust!
Owl F:
(all verse marked with - mark are loudly drawn out to give strong impression of scorn)
You must look at me
say, 'is she a snowy?'
A barnyard owl
Hmmm, 'a little too showy'?
-'But all the same, I'D give a howl!'
My eyes look weird
A little too big
But I see well
Better than you, pig
-Excellent, not just swell!
You stare at me
But I can stare back
With these big eyes
And my huge rack
-If only you'd realize!
And my neck
It twists all funny
See you upside-down
A tasty bunny
-Or a stupid clown!
Elephant F:
I'm a big girl
Handles herself well
More junk in the trunk
Than I could even tell!
Jolly big lady
An African queen
A startling beauty
Taking up the whole screen!
A big wrinkly butt
(wags butt at man playfully)
But not from the shower
Look at this muscle
(does muscle pose)
I leave you in awe of my power!
Opposites attract
I wish that were true
I'm so lonely
What's a girl to do?!
(blows trumpet)
More melancholy
Than the lowest dog
So very forgetful
My head's in a fog!
If you were with me
You won't regret
I would treat you kindly
As my favorite pet!
*laughs*
Act VII;
(Finale; furries are forever)
(man is back at car w/ furries gathered to say goodbye {car has been gassed up while he was away})
Mayor:
I hope you had
A great time here
Leave so soon
Like Alice from the mirror?
But just before
You flee for good
One more song,
Knock on wood!
All say at once (except man): (all verses sung loudly)
Furries are forever!
You tried your best to stop us!
But here we are to stay!
Despite all your fuss!
Furries are eternal!
We're not just a trend!
You can' make us go away!
Even if we're pretend!
Furries are undying!
Maybe a little weird!
But you'd be strange too!,
Wearing a full body beard!
Furries are perpetual!
We're the cutest that you seen!
Never ever vindictive!,
Judgmental, cruel, or mean!
Furries are timeless!
We'll outlive you all!
Besides, without us!,
Life would be too dull!
Furries are endless!
Don't knock us till you try!
Putting on a fur suit!
Might make you one o' the guys!
Furries are interminable!
We've been here for all time!
Take a look at the minotaur!
Before yiffing a cow was a crime!
Furries are ceaseless!
We got a big fan base!
Because most horny guys!
(all point at Fox F)
Want her tits in their face!
*laughs*
So...
Furries are forever!
Because we can't be refused!
And can't be put away!
After we've been loosed!
Furries are everlasting!
We wish a fond farewell!
Back to your own world!
Until we meet again-
(spoken quickly)
Dude, you're getting us on your Dell! (computer)
*laughs*
(man drives away, visibly confused)
(man, all furs come out to bow to audience)